28 May 2005

28 May 2005 (Xfm: Ricky & Stephen 2005, Episode I)

The show returns, Ricky and Stephen are standing in for Adam and Joe. They comment about how nothing has changed, except that the listenership has gone down possibly because each year a few old XFM listeners die, of smack addictions or gout.

One year later, Ricky is still affected by Dr Foxe's comment that "you're [Ricky] not very good."

Karl doesn't want to go to the doctors because "they can always find something." He fears the "finger up the arse thing." He refuses to go because he doesn't want to know what they would find in his rectum, and he is mainly worried about his heart.

Karl Don't mess with them...[Ricky: What do you mean?] you can do more damage messin' about with them, just leave 'em - and there's two anyway, you can afford to lose one.

Ricky believes Karl is going to die of cancer, and impersonates him: "I don't check me balls... i dont like the feel".

Karl believes that if the doctor doing the prostate check was somebody he knew, it would be just as bad.

Stephen tries to make the listeners more acquainted with Karl through the website http://www.freewebs.com/the_k_man. Karl doesn't know the difference between a hyphen (-) and an underscore (_), simply describing as "a line and that" and advises the listeners to "try both."

Stephen decides to ask Karl questions taken from The Guardian's Q&A.

SM: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

KP: Er... What, for me or... ?

SM: Already he's...

Ricky: No, Ronny Corbbett

KP: No no, but, but what do you mean like, what would make me happy, or for everyone to be happy?

RG: No, what would make you happy? Maybe that's the answer, maybe your idea of happiness is everyone being happy, i dont know, what would make you totally, blissfully...

SM: Unlikely Rick, i imagine it's a 24 hour monkey channel on Sky

RG: (laughter) yeah yeah, okay go on, a neverending popsicle, go on

KP: Yeah, i don't think i've had it yet where i'm really, really happy

RG: Karl, i've never seen you really happy, no

KP: No, but...

SM: When have you been at your happiest?

KP: Probably, I like, sort of fish fingers, potato cakes and beans for tea

SM: Second question, what is your greatest fear, Karl?

KP: Going to the doctors

RG: So presumably, ill health and mortality

KP: Eh...

SM: No, just the doctors

RG: Any particular doctor?

KP: I don't want to live forever either, i just want to do my innins? I just wanna get to 83, 84

SM: Which living person do you most admire?

KP: Eh...

SM: Which person thorughout any time in history do you most admire?

KP: Winston Churchill's pretty good

RG: Yeah, very good

KP: He was alright

SM: Why?

KP: Cause if it weren't for him, we'd be talking German, and i'm not that good at that

SM: Do you believe in capital punishment?

KP: Er...

RG: That's not in hitting Dr Fox over the head with a stick

KP: Depends, depends what its for

RG: Go on

KP: For something bad

RG: Well i assume it would be, they don't kill people now for parking illegally

KP: But what sort of thing are you talking about, what sort of punishment

SM: Capital punishment

KP: Yeah, i know, but what is that, what are you talking about

RG: Well... guillotine, hanging

KP: Er... hangings a bit bad

RG: Yeah can be fatal, can't it? What do you mean hanging's a bit bad? It's all bad! Why should the state kill someone?

KP: Because prison's getting a bit busy, aren't they?

RG: Brilliant

KP: What's the point in keeping people around?

RG: What's the point of killing them?

KP: Because its like 'that's done, what's next?' What can you do with someone if they're mental?

SM: Employ them on a radio show!

More notable Quotes from today's show:

Quality

"I think people associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality; your live stand-up DVDs, you've put a lot of work into them, the TV work you've done like wise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?"

Testicles

"Do you remember when Karl said he's gonna die of cancer? And I said 'Why?' and he said 'I don't check me balls'. I said 'Why?', he said 'I don't like the feel'."

Happiness

"I don't think I've had it yet where I'm really, really happy with anything. I like, sort of, fish fingers, potato cakes and beans. For tea."

Moon

"...so there was him, a fellow called Buzz and there was a third bloke who didn't even get out of the spaceship. He went all that way and he didn't get out to stretch his legs. How good could it be?"

Swears

"Wonka. Willy Wonka. That's alright. Although is 'Willy' offensive? Can you say 'willy'? Willy Wonka and his fulking cumps. Is that alright Karl?"

Simpsons

"'Hi this is Homer Simpson, I like Karl and his perfectly round bald head. If you put three holes in it, it looks just like my bowling ball!'"

Rockbusters

"That's not a clue! It's an essay! It's a conversation with yourself!"

Titmuss

"I watched about 30 seconds of it and I hate them. Just desperate idiots and slappers. It actually angers me..."

Lyric

"There is a lyric, and he played it completely earnestly and it was from his recent album, and the lyric was along the lines of 'I was sat in my hotel room/There's a knock at the door and I get kinda nervous/I'm hoping it's you, it's just room service'."

Champagne

"So if you've just joined us we are using some Lindauer's sparkling wine to.. well what can I say? Basically we're firing a cork at Karl's round, Manc head."

Summation

"Some of the highlights; finger up the arse, testicles - early on - orientals don't age very well, bit of racism, bit of racism with 'Germany's full of Kants', cork on the head, champagne down the electrical sockets..."