Karl's Diary

Karl's Diary is a regular feature that began in Episode 8 of the first podcast series. Being one of their most popular features, it has appeared in every podcast since. The diary chronicles the day-to-day life of Karl Pilkington and his thoughts and ideas. The diary itself is a large desk diary that is usually read by Stephen Merchant.

Creation of Karl's Diary

Karl started keeping a record of his thoughts and experiences whilst on holiday in Gran Canaria with his girlfriend Suzanne. The segment first appeared in episode 8 of the Guardian Unlimited podcasts 23 January 2006. Karl compared his literary efforts to those of Anne Frank, claiming that "If she's sat in a, you know, a loft, knockin' stuff up, not much goin' on in 'er life at that point... yet she was still writin' it down... I thought, 'well I'm on holiday'... start a diary". Karl says he has never even heard of Samuel Pepys' Diary.

Introductory Jingle

Notable is the fact that the introductory jingle for this section, performed live vocally by Ricky Gervais, is remarkably similar to the jingle from "Monkey News":

Podcast Series 1
Episodes 8 and 9 had no introductory jingle
Episode 10 - "Ooooh, Hes written it down! yerff-cc--grr"
Episode 11 - "Ooooh, Whats he written today?! yerff-cc--grr"
Episode 12 - "I don't believe it! Hes written it down! yerff-cc--grr"
Podcast Series 2
Episode 1 - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Hes written it down!"
Episode 2 - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Hes written it down again!"
Episode 3 - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Hes only gone and written it down, the little..."
Episode 4 - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Hes gone and written it down again! BUKK!!!"
Episode 5 - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Hes written it down again, you fucking..."
Episode 6 - "Ooooh, I don't believe it! Hes written it DOWN! Errrrrrrrr..."
Podcast Series 3
Episode 1 - *quickly* "Ooooh, I don't believe it! Hes only gone and written it down!"
Episode 2 - "Ooooh, Hes only gone and written it down! The little..."

Memorable Diary Moments

Podcast Series 1

Episode 8

• A wristwatch that counts down the remainder of your life, but Karl is unsure if it would know if you are going to die in a plane crash. When questioned on how it would work, Karl responds "just pop it on your wrist."
• The large number of cross-eyed people at the hotel on Gran Canaria.
• The owner of the café called Tattoo's in Gran Canaria had no tattoos, but Karl never saw his wife.
• The cat licking its bollocks outside a bar.

Episode 9

• Karl comments about Steve eating "little octopuses" whilst at an Italian restaurant. He has a rule that he only eats things that only looks nice when its alive and thinks that an octopus is "an odd looking thing alive. Even worse when it's dead and limp."
• Karl has an idea that companies should sponser homeless people.
• Karl refused to wash his hands after eating lemon cake at Ricky's house leading to a major argument.

Episode 10

• Karl thinks that both he and Ricky Gervais are bored when they go to meeting, as "after twenty minutes [Ricky] was trying to wrestle me".
• Suzanne told Karl to come and meet her at the supermarket. Karl went to the supermarket and couldn't find her. It turns out, Suzanne was was at a different supermarket.
• Karl reminises about keeping a diary wilst at school and recalls a trip to 'Twiggy's Dance Club'.
• Karl's idea for a television program 'Look What We Can Do With Science' in which parts of a person's body are gradually removed and replaced with machines, until just the head the remains from the original body.
• The post Karl received that was addressed to Mr K. Dilkington.
• Karl learns that the word 'wewe' means 'an ugly female ghost with drooping breasts'.

Episode 11

• The time Karl was carrying a lamp and bin when moving house on the same day as the London Marathon, and people thought he was doing a fun run.
• Karl wonders if the big bang was really that big, or it just sounded louder as there was no other noise to drown it out.

Episode 12

• Karl invents a tongue twister: "if you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what sort of tramp can you treat?"
• Karl learns that certain tribesmen on an island in the Indian Ocean live like cavemen and wave their "tackle" about when they've had enough of visitors.

Podcast Series 2

Episode 1

• Karl explains that he cannot put up pictures in his flat because of the mirrored wall. He found it too dangerous to take down so he just stuck wallpaper over it.
• Karl reads on the internet that heads and brains are getting bigger because we are being told too much information.

Episode 2

• Auntie Nora wants to get her back garden astroturfed because shes sick of the grass getting out of hand.
• A girl shows Karl an ultra-sound picture of her child in the womb. Karl thought it looked like a frog.
• Karl asks for 2 popadoms at a curry house. He recieves 5 popadoms.
• Karl discovers a rastaurant that "sells knobs to eat". Karl thinks its a trend that won't last long. "It will be like humus."

Episode 3

• Karl writes about a band from the Conga that won a 'best newcomers' prize in a Radio 3 competition, mistaking Conga for Congo.
• Karl discovers that an old school friend is now living underground.
• Karl writes about 'The Pig Headed Woman of Manchester Square' and wonders if there are more pig headed women about.

Episode 4

• Karl recieves an e-mail from a friend about a man in China who has "a wierd illness" where he can't have his picture taken. If he tries, his body doesn't appear in the photograph.
• Karl comes up with an idea to put a giant mirror on the moon to reflect the world back.
• Karl recalls when his Aunti Nora gave him the birthday present of a t-shirt with her face on.
• Karl finds out about people who are so old fashioned, they still walk on all-fours.

Episode 5

• Karl and Suzanne go to the Cotswolds. When they arrived at the B&B the room wasn't ready, so they went for a quick walk around the car park. They later "did the usual thing and looked around the church graveyard to see how old the dead people are".

Episode 6

• Karl tries to explain some Lao Tzu phrases: "He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know", "To lead people, walk behind them", "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step".

Podcast Series 3

Episode 1

• Karl has an argument with Suzanne. She wanted a lie in, but Karl says "insects don't have lie ins, so we shouldn't."
• Karl wonders why the word 'dictionary' is in the dictionary.
• Karl writes his first poem.

Episode 2

• A large wasp enters Karls flat. He reckoned that its sting could have killed a kitten.
• Karl writes another poem.