Karl Pilkington Quotes By Topic

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What am I thinking?

This a collection of opinions and quotes from Karl Pilkington listed by topic.

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Aesop's Fables

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Two

Aging

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

Art

"Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

Biology

"You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. [The ability to feel someone looking at you], that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

On identical twins - "You always get a little snidey one."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

On dopplegangers - "How would I know which one I was?"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

Calendars

(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)"No i wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year dont ya? Its set up the same way: January, February its the same thing, its the same routine"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"Its just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calender, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"Say if i was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, its dangerous, if we didnt have a calender we'd go erm lets do it now then. Whereas cos we've got a calender its easy to say...next wednesday"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"I wouldnt put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make em yourself, its not like some place is openin to do it. Have em when you want. I dont know why thats got a special day on it, im sick of it"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

Christmas

"As long as your rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when your rememberin' 'im"[Karl on how he hates Christmas being the same date each year]
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

Life

"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

"Im just sayin' I dont like fun"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes awww int it nice? There was some women in a cafe the other week that i was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin on about oh the baby's lovely. They said its got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesnt sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But i thought i dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 1 Halloween

"Just been into the Zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental the amount of fish that are knokin' about"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

Little People

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Six

On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- "The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Six

Medicine

On seeing an ultrasound picture- "It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a dis."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

Monkeys

"Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

Nature

"At what point is a wasp ever going to have chat with a spider?"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"I could eat a knob at night."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

On jellyfish - "They are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

On seals - "Its between a fish and a dog."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

"At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Four

On chameleons - "Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Four

On octopuses - "When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

"In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Two

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"A dog has got human eyes."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

"I was still usin' my eyes even though i had 'em shut"
-The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 2 Thanksgiving

Nudity

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They rip their knickers off. The fellas rip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right: before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

Sayings

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later" - Karl interprets the phrase "Waste not, want not".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about." - Karl interprets the phrase "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" - Karl invents his own phrase based on "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad" - Karl re-evaluates the phrase "A stitch in time saves nine".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Seven

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it".
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Five

"Treat the world like a head".
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Five

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

Science

"Could the world fall?"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

Sex

"It serves a purpose."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby will come out."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

On homosexuals- "They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

Stephen Merchant

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"
-10 November 2001

Technology

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"Just pop it on your wrist." - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work.
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Eight

Travel

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2