15 November 2003/Transcript

R: Retro cut there, Thin Lizzy, Don’t Believe a Word. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervay, with me, Steve Merchant, Bobbity Boo! Who’s that over there? It’s Karly Pilkboids!

S: (laughs), Oh that’s classic.

R: You all right, Karl? How’re ya doing? C’mon – up! Up! Bigabagadoo! Pro-ject! Project! There’s people out there wanting to, you know, cheer up their Saturday afternoons. We’re the boys for it, yeah? We’re like quick-quick fitters.

S: All right, Karl?

R and S: Come onnn!

K: I’m all right! I’m up for it!

S: That’s it, this is the height of excitement?!

R: This is it is it? This is you off your head, is it? High on life.

S: (laughs)

R: Christ. What did Suzanne say about you saying about her big ass?

K: Aw. She, she heard about it.

R: Go on.

S: Should we recap what happened last week?

R: Well, the week before, he uh said that her haircut looked like Dave Hill from Slade, she didn’t like that. … A bit grumpy, he went, ‘Yeah, Don’t mention her fat ass’, still thinking she wouldn’t hear about this. What happened when you went home?

K: She heard about that off a mate, and we sorted it out, and I didn’t have to buy her anything, I just sort of said, ‘Come on, that’s what the show’s about, stop moaning.’ That was all right until about Thursday, when I was reading about, uh, do you know like they say there’s two worlds and that? And whatever I’m doing here, there’s another one of me doing the same?

R: Yeah.

S: Well, he’s probably taking some time off. Probably having a week off.

R: Yeah. Go on.

K: But I was just talkin about that, and she was sayin, ‘Naw, that doesn’t happen.’ And I said, ‘Well, they definitely won’t have a haircut like yours.’ And that sort of started the, the argument again.

R: Yeah, it’s almost like you haven’t learnt your lesson. Also, it’s like you’re talking about it again on air, almost, in a way. So her mates can hear it again. Very short learning curve. You know what? Karl, if there was a, if I cut a hole in a, in a box, and you knew there was an orange in there, right, and you put your hand in, would you be stuck there trying to get that orange out, do you think? Or would you just like, let it go and sort of tip of over to get your hand out?

K: What do you mean?

R: (laughs)

S: I think that answers your question. Is that a cardboard box on your hand, Karl?

R: (laughs)

S: So is there any other things you want to critize Suzanne for, while we’re on air? Anything else? Anything that’s been niggling, that you feel you should get off your chest?

K: Ehhhh….

S: The hair, the arse …

K: Naw, Leave it.

S: Everything else is fine.

R: Leave it. I think so. That’s good. I think leave it. Well done.

S: Now can we just check, what, uh, are the big Karl Features that you’ve got today? Have we got Monkey News?

K: Got Monkey News comin’ up, yeah. Got a bit of, uh, got Rockbusters, and uh, the Film Thing ..

S: Still not got a name.

R: (laughs) Yeah.

K: Just me in a film and that and uh, this week, we’re digging out the old, one I’m in, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, brilliant film.

R: Yeah, brilliant film. It was my favorite film until I saw Godfather.

K: Better than that.

R: Well, yeah, some would say that, yeah.

K: No, it is. The storyline is more interesting.

R: I didn’t know there was an actual answer. So-sorry, what’s best?

K: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest—

R: Is it? OK. All right. Where, where’s Godfather, ‘cause I want to know, so I don’t embarrass myself.

K: Uh –

R: Is it my 4th favourite film, er-

K: Prob’ly about 5th.

R: My 5th favourite film, is it? Brilliant.

S: Talkin’ of lists,

R: I suppose I like Kez and The Elephant Man, do I?

K: Do ya?

R: (laughs)

S: Lists, Rick, I don’t know if you saw in the paper, I think it’s on TV this evening, it’s, uh, as voted for by viewers of VH-1, the music channel, they’ve basically come up with a list of the Greatest Pop Culture Icons, uh, ever. Uh, there’s 100.

R: Where’s Elvis?

S: So Elvis is at number 3.

R: Jimmy Dean in there?

S: James Dean is in there, I think he’s a bit lower. Uh, let me see he’s at number 21-2. Number 22. We’ve got David Beckham at number 1.

R: Ah, well, ok, then so – Robbie Williams is in there, so it’s it’s British bias?

S: Robbie Williams is in there, yeah, he’s just below Abba.

R: OK.

S: But, interestingly, this is of interest to you, I think, number 66 …

R: Yeah?

S: The Office.

R: That’s all right.

S: Well, it is, Rick, it’s nice that the show is in there and that, that’s a very flattering thing. I’ll tell ya what cheapens it, I’ll tell ya what undermines it, the things that are lower in the list than the show.

R: Oh God, so we’ve beaten –

S: Well –

R: Go on –

S: I’ll give ya a little test. Higher or lower, do you think this is higher – nearer the top of the most pop culture icons than ours, OK, I’m gonna give you – Superman.

R: Well. International, been around since the ‘30s, one of the biggest icons on the planet, I’ll say higher.

S: Lower.

R: Yeah?

S: Ludicrous.

R: OK, so ..

S: Do you think higher or lower – Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon?

R: (laughs)

S: This guy’s been to the moon.

R: Well, I’d say lower then.

S: Lower.

R: Yeah.

S: Yeah, um –

K: Is that – is that sayin the people behind the rocket or just him?

R: (laughs)

K: ‘Cause he just sat there, didn’t do anything.

S: It’s what he’s symbolic of.

R: No – yeah – it’s not just, how much work went into it.

K: All right then.

S: Few others.

R: What about things like Coca-cola?

S: Oh no, they don’t really count. It tends to be, they don’t feature. I mean Mickey Mouse is in there, uh, what do you make, what do you reckon – Tom Cruise, higher or lower, Tom Cruise is the number 1 box office star in the world?

R: Presumably lower, then.

S: He’s lower. Number 81.

R: (laughs)

S: It really is a list drawn up by people who just sat at home and looked along their video and book collection.

R: Yeah.

S: ‘Um …. Office, yeah, that’s good.’

R: Well it is a reflection of that, but it’s always that, you do an HMV poll and it’s Pet Sounds, uh, Revolver, Let’s Get it On, Robbie Williams: Life Through a Lens.

S: (laughs)

R: Because it’s the people who vote, it’s a reflection of the fact there’s massive, you know, what’s big at the moment. I was the Most Powerful Man in Comedy, let’s not forget –

S: Yes.

R: One year ago – wonder where I’ll be this year?

S: See, if that had been the laziest man in comedy –

R: (laughs)

S: You’d have got my vote.

R: (laughs)

S: Interestingly, though, number 26, Karl Pilkington.

R: (laughs) Oh, imagine! Oh –

(music break) 00:06:35 R: ‘All Possibilities”, Badly Drawn Boy, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and little Karly Pilkoids.

S: (laughs) Rick, um, Suzy’s emailed. She’s wondered if you could give a massive hello to Hannah and Charlotte – they’re all in the sixth form at Codsforth School –

R: Yeah. Yeah, shout out. Yeah, massive. Where’re they from?

S: Uh, I don’t know. I can’t quite pronounce it – the Calpthor School?

R: The Calpthor Massive.

S: Yeah.

R: They’re probably known as. Yeah.

S: So good luck to Suzy, Hannah, and Charlotte.

R: When did we start doin’ dedications?

S: I – I’ve always felt it was something that’s lacking on the show. Interaction with the audience. You know?

R: Interesting only to to the one person whose name is mentioned.

S: (laughs) Yeah – of course – but that’s how proper DJs fill up their time. They don’t talk about monkeys, and, you know, all that kind of, drivel.

R: Ooh. Do you think monkeys are drivel, Karl?

K: Well – we’ll still be doin’ a bit of Monkey News, no matter how much you have a pop at it. It’s comin’ up in a bit. Got some good stuff this week. I, I know it’s been a bit dull, last 2 weeks.

R: Well no, it’s not been dull – it’s been totally untrue.

S: As ever.

R: Bordering on the impossible. I mean, monkey dating. Saying ‘What tree are we meeting in?’ You believe that sort of drivel. So, I mean, oh. Oh, God. Jonathan Ross told a story about a chimpanzee once.

K: Go on.

R: (laughs) But it was about how it escaped from the zoo. And it jumped on a bus. OK. Interesting, funny –

K: I did that one!

R: But possible – there’s possibility in that one being true.

K: But I did that one.

S: I think you said something like he drove the bus, or he was conducting it –

R: I think you said he took it to Spain.

K: (pause) Mm.

R: You see the difference? It’s that little stretch, of credibility, that means it’s all shite.

S: How is Jonathan Ross? All right?

R: (laughs)

S: You see, I wondered how long it would take before his name popped up. How is the old monkey? Looking forward to his birthday Monday?

R: (laughing) Oh – oh dear. Yeah.

S: I don’t know if any of the listeners, uh, saw Ricky on Jonathan Ross’ TV show last night. What, I mean, MAN ALIVE!

R: What?

S: Well I mean, that’s not an interview! How is that an interview?

R: What?

S: It’s not – he wasn’t interviewing you – it was like two pals just havin’ a laugh, and if we – it was like, it was a family do, and you just happened to film it and stick it on the telly.

R: (laughs)

S: My friend made a good point – it was like any minute his kids were gonna pop out, sit on that sofa next to you, and go ‘Ooh, Uncle Ricky! Do the little dance!’ (makes the Office dance music noise) It was unbelievable! I mean, what were you wearin’, for a start!

R: Whaaaat??

S: What’s that? Some tatty old jumper like you’d just been doin’ some artexin’ and he’d gone, ‘Pop ‘round, Rick. We’re havin’ a coupla drinks!’

R: That’s – that was Lambretta! S: Lambretta! Was it inside out? I mean how is it you keep getting things like the St. George cross on it?

R: Na- what do you mean? That’s the only one I’ve got!

S: You’ve got loads of stuff! T-shirts, jumpers, shoes!

R: Naw, I’ve got a Union Jack -

S: Underpants!

R: Um, uh, uh, whatit, a French Connection –

S: But that’s not, that’s not what I’m saying

R: I haven’t got any underpants!

S: That’s not my concern, it’s just the fact – I mean firstly, for those that don’t realize, Ricky is friends with Jonathan Ross. They are friends. Now, they’ve only known each other, what? A year maybe?

R: ‘Bout 2, yeah –

S: It’s less, I think it’s less than 2. Now what worries me is, you’re, the friendship’s too close –

R: What’d’ya mean?

S: Because you’re over 40 - You see, it seems to me that after the age of 25, men, should not be becoming really close friends with other men. You’ve had all your friends – you made them at university, at school, and if you’re in a walk of life and you met someone at a party or a pub, even if you got on, you would not be phoning them every other day, like going to an awards do – ‘What’re you wearing, Jonathan?’ I’ve heard this conversation – ‘What’re you wearin’? Is that too formal?’

R: That’s not true!

S: It is! You’re always on the phone to him! You’re always chattin’, ‘I’m just gonna pop round,’ “Oh, I’m just gonna play some tennis!”

R: Yeah! We play tennis!

S: Always hangin’ out with the guy .. and it’s, to me, it’s unhealthy, and this, it’s just bled open now, onto TV.

R: Oh – hold on, wait a minute, wait a minute –

S: Woah woah – So, you’re there, it’s like – I’ll tell you what it reminded me of – Des O’Conner and Jethro,

R: (laughs)

S: Comin’ on, to plug his live video

R: (laughs) Or Tarby (?) and Kenny Lynche –

S: And at the end of the interview, after they’d been, you know, mutually back-slappin’

R: Yep –

S: HE GAVE YOU A PET!

R: (laughs)

S: Jonathan Ross, gave you, a cat! As a replacement for your cat which died! Now to me, that’s an inappropriate gift!

R: Why? It’s a lovely gift!

S: That’s – You should be – I don’t think people should be giving PETS, as gifts – imagine –

R: Do you know what I got him –

S: Imagine at a wedding: ‘I just bought you a cat”

R: Do you know what I’ve got him, for his birthday? I’ve got him a child.

S: Well! You may as well! Because that’s what it’s like, a cat, to me!

R: I’ve got a small Rwandan child.

S: A cat, to me, it’s like I’ve bought you this small child. I was gonna sponsor him, but I’ve got this bit of cash, I’ve flown him over.

R: (laughs) It was a lovely gift!

S: It’s too, it’s too intimate – it’s like, it’s too much responsibility!

R: D’you know what I think? D’you know what I think, Karl?

K: What?

R: Steve’s a bit jealous.

S: I tell ya – I’ve got good reason to be jealous.

R: What? S: I’ve got good reason to be jealous.

R: Yeah.

S: I just remembered this – your birthday – Jonathan Ross was there,

S: Karl Pilkington was there,

R: Yeah.

S: I don’t remember being invited.

R: (laughs)

S: I don’t remember being invited – was I there, Karl? You were there – I don’t remember being there.

K: Well, you’re with him all day, and that –

S: Right. OK, well, he sees you a lot, I mean, Jonathan is round his house every other day, playin’ tennis, and who else knows what, swimmin’ together, and sat in his jacuzzi,

R: (laughs)

S: Cracking wise, what happened there? What happened there?

R: (laughs) I think we got to the bottom of it. Play a record.

K: The villa that we went to afterwards –

S: Yeah?

K: Could only take six –

S: Yeah, it better be!

R: (laughs)

S: How is the cat? All right?

R: Yeah –

S: What’s he named? Jonathan?

R: Ollie.

(music break) 00:12:19 R: ‘Hey-ya’, Outkast, Xfm, 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. It’s that time, innit? Rockbusters –

S: ‘ray!

R: Come on – Karl – what you got for us?

K: All right, you wanna say what the prizes are –

S: I’ll say what the prizes are first. There’s a two disc set – Rock ‘n Roll Legends, on the cover there, they’ve got Buddy Holly, Elvis, Roy Orbison, and Little Richard.

R: No one wants that, baby.

S: (laughs) Nobody’s interested! Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, a DVD – I’m a Nick Cave fan, and I wouldn’t watch it.

R: Yeah, you’d watch it once, at most, when there was nothing on –

S: Yeah, at best – Knowing Me, Knowing You –

R: Nick Cave’s good, but when do you watch rock DVDs?

S: Yeah. Knowing Me, Knowing You – great series, obviously, but it’s –

R: VHS!

S: VHS, no one wants it on VHS. (13:00)

From 26.00

Ricky: 'Oi, me lover, want a bit of carp'

Steve: What angered me Rick was er, was the fact that i wasn't notified, that there was not, i didn't know that there was

Ricky: There was no sign

Steve: And afterwards i spoke to other people about it and they said, 'Oh it's a famous gay haunt', but what annoys me is i feel that they should put an ad in the local press, a big paper like once a week, like you know when they recall cars if their damaged or there's a fault, or Curry's might bring back stuff if there's faulty goods, they say 'recall them, we'll give your money back'

Ricky: What do you suggest

Steve: they should put an ad in, the gay community should put an advert in that says 'These are the hotspots, this is where you're likely to find us doing some stuff, if your not gay and you might feel uncomfortable, avoid them' and just list them, or little pictures, or a just a map, anything, cos like the gay tube thing, i don't know

Ricky: Cock fun! 123 Railway cuttings

Steve: Ha, well not that, it's more of a kind of, more of a sort of social awareness thing

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: So people would, you know, don't feel uncomfortable and

Ricky: But they don't want it exactly to be like, sort of walking under neon signs

Steve: But why, it's it's legal

Ricky: Yeah hehe, big arrows, abbuhh as if!

Steve: What do you mean? What's wrong with that?

Ricky: Because, well it's actually a public place, i don't think it, i don't think cottaging is strictly legal

Steve: Well i don't know they ins and outs of it, i wasn't saying they had to specify what they were going to do

Ricky: But some people, some people, not, some of them arn't, i don't think it's peobably seen gays is it

Steve: But they advertise G.A.Y

Ricky: Yeah, but it's not, yeah but it's not the people that go out and they say i'm gay, and i like Barbra Streisand, it's, presumably the sort of people who do that, are people that arn't quite out yet or, do you know what i mean? Or, they're doing a quick one on the way to their wives and kids.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I don't know, I don't know the, completely how it works, but i'm sure there probably isn't a place where umerm 'Free bumming! Here tonight'

Karl: No, but there is kind of

Ricky: What

Karl: Because i was walking home one night through Soho, right? erm, just cos that's the way i have to go, not cos i cheat, d'you know what i mean, i wasn't going to there for a, and that right?

Ricky: Haha, so nervous isn't he

Karl: So i'm walking through and erm, i was handed like a card which was like a gay event

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Right? Now that's a bit weird innit, that straight away he's presuming that because i'm there, that time of night

Ricky: Well, and you've got a shaved head, and you sorta look like, you know, you're sort of like quite, look after yourself, and you got some nice clothes

Karl: Yeah, but still, can't presume

Ricky: Look like a bit of rough from Manchester, you look like a northern rent boy who comes down to stand outside McDonalds

Karl: But the card was rubbish right

Ricky: What d'you mean

Karl: Had this fella on it, right, all sort of greased up and that

Ricky: Why'd you look?

Karl: Just havin' a look what he's handed me and that

Ricky: Right

Karl: Just havin' a look. Err, picture of him, sort of sailors hat on, tanned body, like, just his arse out like that

Ricky: Sniggering

Karl: And err, rubbish slogan right. "The best bum, in W1"

Ricky + Steve: Hahahaha

Ricky: Is bum there a noun, or like a verb

Karl: What'd'ya mean?

Ricky: Wel'er 'to bum', is it like, 'Get the best bum, you've ever had' or he had the best bum

Karl: I think it's just like

Steve: I don't suppose you asked

Karl: No

Ricky: Agheheh

Steve: I don't suppose he called the number to check

Ricky: Hahahaha

Steve: "What do you mean exactly by this, does it mean you've got a great arse?"

Ricky: "Does it mean i'll be well bummed, or does it mean you've just got a good,"

Karl: Alright alright, come on now

Ricky: What?!

Steve: Can i just make a final point about, cos i asked my friend how it all works up on the Heath, cos i live in Hamstead Heath, so near Hamstead, and i was worried, i didn't want to go walking and get myself involved, get involved in any

Ricky: How can you 'get involved'?

Steve: No, again, i didn't want to walk by

Ricky: Sort of like, like "Ooh you wouldn't belive it, i couldn't say no, oor my wrist it's knackered" "What do you mean" "Well i was there for about 2 hours, must've gone through about 43 of them, but you know, i didn't like to say no! Because they were, they were just so please to see me"

Steve: Hahaha

Ricky: Oow god

Steve: Well it wasn't so much the fear of that, it's not

Ricky: Good skiing practice, i wasn't doing two at the same time for a little while

Steve: It's not the fear of that so much

Ricky: Hahahe

Steve: It's the fact that again, you don't want to gatecrash someone else's party, you don't, do you know what i mean

Ricky: No

Steve: You don't want, if someone, if there was a straight couple having sex, you'd want, 'Ooh, i'm sorry, and you'd wanna avoid that area'

Ricky: Yeah, course

Steve: But someone told me, and someone told me that,how it works, and apparently you just go and sit on a bench or something, and then another just sits on the bench, and they just look at each other, there's not really anything said, it's just kinda a nice evening or whatever, you know, i guess it's like 2 in the morning or whatever, and then they go off into the bushes and ding dong. But it's like i don't know how that culture's developed

Ricky: This is, i love this program

Steve: But why can't that be the case with women?

Ricky: Hahaha

Steve: That would be amazing, you'd just go out to the park at about 1 in the morning, you just sit on a bench, just

Ricky: It's like a scene from Gi-gi

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: Yeah, just walking along with the Perambulater

Steve: Y-yeah, exactly, but that would just be a joy if there was none of this formality, you've gotta talk to 'em, buy 'em dinner

Ricky: Arr you're joking

Steve: Romance

Ricky: Oh no

Steve: Just this kind of informal thing

Ricky: So what

Steve: Great

Ricky: So what, what would you do then, sort of go up to a woman and go 'Come on'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Let's stop mucking around

Steve: We know why we're both sat on this bench

Ricky: There's err, there's a nice bush over there

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Let's have a bit

Steve: Yeah, and then she'd go 'yeah, great, thanks you know i'm killing some time before i, you know, pop into town'

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: 'That'd be perfect, thanks. You make my weekend'

Ricky: So you're jelous of gays as well as me

Steve: In a sense, in a way

Ricky: What do you think Karl?

Karl: Let's put a track on

Ricky: Why? You getting scared now?

Steve: You bought it up

Ricky: Is it getting too close to the bone? so to speak heh

Radiohead plays

Ricky: Radiohead, and There There on Xfm, i'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington

Steve: I was talking to my Dad the other day, he was saying, he lives in Bristol, my family live in Bristol and so they can't really listen to the show, and erm he said 'I was thinking of buying your grandparents a digital radio for christmas'

Ricky: Brilliant

Steve: 'So they can listen to err, listen to your show'. Imagine them listening to that last link! And then me seeing them at Christmas 'Steve! You never told us you saw 2 blokes bummin

Ricky: Yeah and then 'w-what's that about you jacking of 30 men?'

Steve: Ha exactly

Ricky: 'You gotta say no lad. I know you're a nice fella but just cos they want relief, your not the man for it'

Steve: Oh dear, they must be so proud

Ricky: Yeah heh

Steve: Rockbusters

Karl: Yeah they'll'd be lovin' this right?

Ricky+Steve: Hehehe

Karl: Err 3 clues where err first one 'If you go to chepstow you will' right? the initial was 'S', that was Seahorses. Alright? That was the answer there

Ricky: I'll give you that

Steve: Fair enough

Ricky: I'll give you that

Karl: Errrmm 'E.T's upset, what's wrong with E.T? what's, what's wrong with him?'

Ricky: Yep, alright

Karl: Initials M.E, what's up with him, he was Missy Elliot. Alright? Elliot's

Ricky: Doesn't count at all

Steve: He was what?

Ricky: Doesn't count at all

Karl: Missy Elliot, d'you know what i mean, what's up with, what's wrong E.T?

Steve: Well what is up with him

Ricky: Well, just let him explain it, sorry Karl, do it again alright, i wasn't listening.

Karl: Elloit yeah

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Who's in E.T

Ricky: Yeah just do the clue again, just

Karl: Alright, E.T's upset, what's he's looking a bit sad and that what's what's up with him?

Ricky: What E.T the extra-terrestrial?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: Yeah go-on

Karl: Right and his mate

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Who's in it is called Elliot

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Right, he's upset what's up with him, well he's he's missy elliot

Ricky: Missy Elliot, what's she got to do with it though? I don't understand

Karl: No, it, the way you'd say it, say 'What's up E.T?' and it'd go 'oh Missy Elliot'

Ricky: Why would he mention her? I don't understand, was she in the, was it a thing in the film

Karl: Missin'!

Ricky: She wasn't even around then

Steve: OH Oh Missing!

Ricky: Oh Missing Elliot oh oh

Steve: That makes sense Karl but i mean she's not called Missing Elliot

Ricky: No hold on but this is meant to be about Rockstars though

Karl: Cryptic, that's what i always say

Ricky: Missy missing Elliot isn't a, sorry this is meant to be about Rockstars isn't it though

Karl: Yeah it's just cryptic though innit, cryptic clues and

Ricky: Oh oh no that's no Cryptic! That's Shiiiiittt, you ffff

Karl: Right the third one, errr 'I had err tape, and it 'ad err 'umpty dumpty on it err'

Ricky: Haha i love it when he says umpty dumpty'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Umpty Dumpty

Karl: 'ickory dickory dock and that err, but but the tape's err broke

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: That was B.R, Busta Rhymes

Steve: Say that again i don't

Ricky: That's, sorry i don't understand, what d'you mean?

Karl: Oarr, 'oo who's the winner Steve?

Ricky: No no i, no do you mean Busted?

Karl: Well it's kinda like that

Steve: Haha

Karl: Cryptic

Ricky: No no it's not no, crypic doesn't mean change it so it's no the saamme

Karl: Steve who's the winner? We got loads of right answers so

Steve: It's interesting, this e-mails written erm

Karl: Wierd that innit

Steve: It flashes up 'suspected spam', you know spam is that stuff that gets sent around the internet

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: And it flashes that up if it thinks it's err gonna be a spam e-mail, and everytime it comes in with the Rockbusters answer it says suspected spam

Ricky: Hahaha

Steve: In a sense, in a way, erm let's err let's give it to err Katherine Jakeways from err Hackney, she's err got those answers

Ricky: Rubbish, absolute

Steve: Right

Ricky: Rubbish, you know talking about erm your parents listening, Karl was in Heat this week, and err they mentioned that he does this thing on Sky, what is it?

Karl: Err,the it's this thing with Richard Bacon, some program about watching telly, and you just talk about what you're watching

Steve: M-hmm

Ricky: And he was annoyed, cos he said his parents might listen and that, and so he's not doing it, he's not gonna turn up cos they Heat, mentioned it in Heat

Steve: And so his parents might watch?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Why're you worried about that?

Karl: I don't like them watching stuff do i, told you, dates back to when i did Little Donkey, at school, and i don't want people watching me

Ricky: What s'hah, just renew us on Little Donkey, what happened?

Karl: It was just, you know, i was there to play the drums and that err, in We Three Kings, err was lovin' it, you know, got a bit carried away

Ricky: How old were yer?

Karl: Pfft, 'bout 13?

Ricky: Y-really?

Karl: Probably

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: 'bout 10, no about 10 probably

Ricky: Yeah, go on

Karl: 6

Ricky: Pft, Jesus! 6 wha- how old were yer! What school were you at?!

Karl: Errr

Steve: Ha, ok you were playing little Donkey

Karl: So and err

Ricky: No! no no no, you must

Karl: It was one of them school everyone sort of was in the same one, d'you know what i mean

Steve: Oh a Manchester school

Ricky: Hahaha! What do you mean?

Steve: Just the one classroom

Karl: Well it's like you

Ricky: What? Sweeping chimneys in the day and then '1 hour of learnin

Steve: Hehe yeah

Ricky: What are you talking about, what school were you at? was it infants junior or secondary?

Karl: They didn't really do that

Ricky+Steve: What do you mean

Ricky: They still have to abide by the law of the land in Manchester!

Karl: No, but it, it was a lot more, like like you 'ad infants, but you also had like the older lot, there's kids there who, when you're in the younger year and that, you'd see kids and you'd go

Ricky: Talk talk English and use terms that people do when they're talking about schooling

Karl: I don't even want to talk about this

Ricky: No, how old were you, what ohh

Karl: I'm thinking, guessing maybe 6 or 7 or 8

Ricky: So you went from 13, to 6?

Karl: Yeah but like i say it's hard to remember because

Steve: Imagine if you were giving evidence in a trial

Ricky: Yeah ha. 'How old were yer?' 'I dunno, coulda been err, dunno'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: 'Can't really narrow it down other than 7 years either way

Steve: You know theoretically

Ricky: Yep

Steve: He could get called up for jury duty service

Ricky: Hahahaha

Karl: Orrr

Steve: Right you're on...

Xfm adverts

White Stripes plays

Ricky: White Stripes, Hardest Button to Button on Xfm, that's a freightening thought that you came up with before the break

Steve: Karl on jury service

Ricky: Karl could be responsible for someone's, rest of their life

Steve: Yeah, cos jury service, that applies to anyone, anyone can get sent the form, i think you're obliged to go unless you have a really decent reason not to

Ricky: Imagine if it was a really really important trial

Steve: But what annoys me is, that isn't it supposed to be you're tried by 12 of your peers

Ricky: good men and true

Steve: 12 good men and true

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Good men and true

Ricky: And women of course, these days

Steve: The only thing i can hope is that the defence attorney weedle out karl at an early stage

Ricky: Oh yeah objection, 'I object'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Why

Steve: I object, have you heard of something called Rockbusters?

Ricky: Pfftheheh yeah 'Well sorry you can't just object on that errm'

'Ok then what if i tell you my client standing trial is a little gay Chinese fella, and here are some of the tapes'

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: 'From Xfm'...What would you do?

Steve: Because he's prejudice

Karl: So how does it work then?

Steve: How does what work?

Ricky: What do you mean? You just get called up and you have to do, do jury service, unless you've got a very good reason

Steve: And it's not, 'I normally have Monday's off'

Ricky: Ha yeah yeah. Ooh you wouldn't like that oooh, you have to get there at nine 'O Clock

Steve: Or i've got to prepare Monkey News

Ricky: Ye-ah yeah, ooh you couldn't stand it

Karl: Just wouldn't do it, i wouldn't i i

Ricky: What would you say?

Karl: Say 'Argh pft, don't don't get me involved', cos i got involved once

Ricky: Pfthaha, don't get me involved!

Karl: No

Steve: What do you mean you got involved once

Karl: Well, with the police and that when i lived in Manchester and saw a bit of car crime going on

Steve: Right

Karl: And i got involved, it, hassle, tellin' you

Steve: How did you get involved? Did you phone the Police?

Karl: Yeah, Yeah

Steve: Snitch

Karl: Cos i thought well, i know well that's just it, but i thought i'd hope somebody did it with my car

Ricky: Grass

Karl: Well

Steve: Yeah

Karl: So err and it's just a hassle, loads of phone calls

Ricky: Canary

Karl: And, i had to stand on a balcony in this you know tower block that i lived in, Police shouting up at me and i'm stood there with me underpants on, right, and what it was, a car had been robbed right, so i call up this, call up the err Police and that right, said 'Right, listen, errm, car's been robbed' and they said 'Where is it' i said 'I dunno, just across the road from where i live', right. So i tell them where i live

Steve: Where do you live, how old were you 13?

Karl: So she's, she's askin' loads of questions and that, i'm saying 'Look, whilst you're asking all of this they're actually getting away soo, you know we'll leave it' and she's like 'No, err, we'll track it down blah blah blah'. So i said 'Well look i work nights,'

Ricky: What could you see, you could see some lads

Karl: I could see some lads, just pushing a car

Steve: Pushing a car?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: That's how they steal cars in Manchester is it?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Everywhere else in the country, their getting in their driving them away

Ricky: In the South yeah their driving them away

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: Usually sort of like start the engine

Ricky: Can get away a lot faster. What do the police do? Push their panda car after them? “Come on lads, don't cheat don't get in the car.” They’re just pushing it.

Karl: It was late at night and that...

Ricky: Oh ok.

Karl: And you don’t wanna start the engine.

Ricky: Of course, gonna wake people up knowing you're nicking cars. Course you don’t. No, no.

Karl: Alright? So...an’ I…

Ricky: Late at night? Hold on. They weren’t gay, they weren’t gay were they? They were out late really? Come on Karl, so what happened?

Karl: Anyway I said, look “Don't call back I’m going to bed. Alright. I got work in a bit.”

Ricky: Brilliant

Karl: So ummm

Ricky: Where were you working?

Karl: Next thing, right the phone's going, Uh, “Hello, it’s the Police again.” “I said I told you not to call me.”

Ricky: Ha, I told you not to call me at home

Karl: They said “Right, the police are outside, can you go on your balcony?” It's like sigh. So I’m ten stories up, right? So I’m stood on the balcony with like me underpants on. Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And the police are saying where's the car. And I’m saying I don't know they've gone down that road now. So I’m trying to point to ‘em. They're shouting up saying “Which road?” and all that. And I just thought, why did I get involved?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I don't think they found it, it was hassle.

Ricky: What the blokes were pushing it too fast? They were in the next street by now weren’t they?

Karl: Just don't get involved. Don’t get… after that…

Ricky: Imagine him being on some sort of trial where there's like some sort of mob affair.

Steve: Yeah, gangland murder

Ricky: Imagine him going into the Witness Protection.

Steve laughs

Ricky: The police just explaining to him, “Your new name is Jeffery Peters.”

Steve: “Why can't I be called Bruce Wayne?”

Ricky: “Well, no. Mr. Pilkington listen.” Imagine that. Do you know what Witness Protection is?

Karl: No, go on.

Steve: Amazing.

Ricky: Look, its when, supposing you were to give evidence against... the mafia. Alright? You’ve done a job for them and you have to give evidence against them. Right?

Karl: Well alright, if you're gonna do… all I did was two kids nickin’ a car. Don't start messin’ with mafia.

Ricky: No listen... of course, no. Imagine you were in the mafia and you got caught doing something, but instead of going to prison for the rest of your life you said “Oh, well I can give you Mr. Big.” Yeah? And they go “Ok, give us Mr. Big and we'll let you off alright?” So the police go “Right, ok…”

Steve: I got handed this leaflet in Soho

Ricky laughs

Ricky: So, you say “I’ll give ya names.” They’ll go “Will you give evidence in court?” You’ll go “Yeah.” They go “Right we'll have to get you away because you'll be done for. So you'll give us the names of Mr. Big, alright? We'll give ya a new ID, a new passport, we'll let you go live in Canada for the rest of your life with Suzanne.” Right?

Karl: So why have I got to do all that?

Steve: Because they'll bump you off won't they!

Karl: How will they know it was me?

Ricky: Because you got to give evidence in court. So they go “Oh, Pilkington squealed.”

Karl: So you got to change all your life. They've killed someone, yeah?

Ricky: Well look, your giving them in to keep you from going to jail. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in prison because you were involved in sommat or saw sommat or whatever. It ...

Karl: How…

Ricky: It doesn't matter! Karl! Listen!

Karl: How would the mafia know that I’ve said something?

Ricky: Because you say in court those are the people. He's Mr. big he's Mr.-So-and-so he ordered the hit.

Silence

Ricky: Don’t you know anything!?

Karl: It's a lot of messin’ around though innit. So I’ve got to leave this job yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, I think they might try Xfm first.

Karl: I’d have to what? I’d have to bin Suzanne? Would I?

Ricky: No, she could go and live with ya.

Steve: You have to tie off all ties with your friends and family. You can’t contact them. You’d have to leave them behind.

Karl: Would she have to change her haircut?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Possibly.

Karl: When did the murder happen?

Steve: Haha, yeah. What would be your new identity be? What would you choose for yourself?

RG:What name?

Karl: Probably uh... uh... I wanted to be called Bret when I was a kid.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Alright? Bret what?

Steve: Bret Pilkington

Karl: Uh, you've got to change your surname yeah?

Ricky: Buuheehyeeeeah.Yeah, yeah. Maybe go Xdirectory.

Steve: Where would you move to?

Karl: Uhhh, probably uh, probably back up north.

Ricky: No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Can I suggest maybe Bret Hanson? And go live in Australia or Canada maybe, maybe where they're not operating and they just… forget it.

Steve: You might have to change your identity as well. You might have to grow your hair, well you can’t grow your hair. Maybe wear a wig or a mustache.

Ricky: What would you do? What would you wear?

Karl: So like an afro or something?

Steve: Something like that.

Ricky: That would be brilliant. That would be absolutely brilliant.

Karl: And I got to do all that just because for 5 minutes I stood in a court thing and said “He's the one who did it.”

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well... why can't why can't I just wear the afro and the glasses when I’m in the court, say “Me name's Bret.” Alright? Change me voice a bit. “He did it.” They go “Thanks very much.” I go off. I carry on with me life. I still come in here on Saturday.

Ricky: That is genius.

Steve: I don’t know why they never thought of that.

Ricky: Why don't they do that? So I’ll go to the court as Bret Hanson with an afro and I’ll talk like that. And then when I come out I’m back to Karl Pilkington, still talking like that, but without the afro. That is perfect. Why don't you call the FBI and say “Listen, I can save you billions of dollars a year.” You're a genius Karl.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: Well done.

Ricky: Bret should I say?

song break

Ricky: Don't Look Back into the Sun, Libertines, on Xfm. I’m excited Steve. It's that time. Its' that time of the week.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Well… Karl’s in a little film.

Steve: Oh that's what you're excited about.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sorry, I thought you meant maybe the show's almost over.

Ricky: Yeah, no! Come on then Karl.

Karl: Alright, so uh yeah, so I’m in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Took a scene from it.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Gotta listen carefully and that. At the end there'll be a question on like the clip that you just heard and stuff like what their doing the [unintelligible] and stuff. So did you wanna read out the prizes or just a taste of…

Steve: Uh yeah, it’s a couple rock and roll albums, umm we got the League of Gentlemen…

Ricky: Why is it called One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

Steve: I can't remember, I think it's explained in the book. I don't remember.

Ricky: If someone knows just a quick e-mail would do. I’d like to know that.

Steve: [email protected], you can win yourself, if you get the question right, The League of Gentlemen Series 3. We've got that rock and roll legends again, the best of Blondie, a nature program and the Old Grey Whistle Test Volume 3

Ricky: Brilliant. So its well worth…

Steve: So if you're over 50 you'll enjoy that.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And just uh, if you haven't seen the film it’s just about, like a…uh, what would you call it?

Ricky: Well it’s a guy, this guy thinks he's going to get away with prison by going into a mental institution. There was this new experiment, but he finds out he can't get out and he's sorta trapped and… well people know it, everyone knows it.

Steve: Just play it.

Ricky: Just play it.

Karl: Well I saw it last week, so…

Steve: Just play…

Karl: Alright.

Dean R. Brooks as Dr. John Spivey: Well you know I’ve, um, been observing you here now for the last 4 weeks and I don't see any evidence of mental illness at all.

Karl: Yeah, I know I’m not mental. I never said I was. I mean alright, Igot, I got an E in history but that isn't why I’m in here, I’m in here because I had to get away from the outside world.It’s doing me head in. I’ve been working too hard. I’m stressed out. I’ve been working like load of hours Monday through Friday. I’ve been working on a Saturday with Ricky and Steve, right? That's been doing me head in. People think that's a laugh when it isn’t.

Jack Nicholson as Randle Patrick McMurphy: Busy right now are you? You got something to do right now?

Karl: Well… this is why I’m here today doctor because he's doing my head in.

Ricky laughs

Spivey: What do you mean sir?

Karl: Well he's doing me head in. I came here to get away from Ricky, he's just as bad.

McMurphy: Well I’m smarter than him ain't I?

Karl: You're an idiot, right.

McMurphy: Ah we’re just, we’re friends.

Karl: No, we’re not friends. And if you were a friend you wouldn't be doing that to me head.

Spivey: How do you mean that?

Karl: Well don't…

McMurphy: Come on I’ll show ya.

Sounds of struggle

McMurphy: Yes, yes.

Karl: Look what you've done! Get him off me! Get him…

More sounds of struggle

McMurphy: Now if we can just hold it right there. Alright.

Karl: Will you get… get off! Doctor, will you tell him!

Doctor: McMurphy.

McMurphy: Don't hurt you, does it?

Karl: Course it does.

McMurphy: That’s it hold on to it. Not too hard you'll crush all the air out of it.

Karl: Normally… get off! Normally he does it harder than that.

McMurphy: No, it’s warming up, warm it up, warm it up.

Karl: Would somebody help?!

McMurphy hisses

Karl groans in agony

Karl: Get off!

Sounds of struggle

Karl: See what I mean doctor? That's what he's doing every day. The state of this. I don't know why you do it, it's not like you’re going to crack it open.

McMurphy: I tried, didn't I? God dammit. Least I did that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I love it, the effort.

Steve: Yeah, it’s almost, I wonder if it’s a strange premonition of the future.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: You in some kind of home.

Karl: Alright, well uh…

Ricky: What’s the question?

Karl: Question then. What result did I get in history?

Ricky: Good.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Yeah, well uh, tricky one. [email protected].

Karl: Or text, will we take text?

Steve: I can't really be bothered to check the text.

Karl: Alright then, e-mail.

Ricky sneezes

Steve: Thanks for that Rick.

Ricky: Sneezy.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Alright, I’ll play a…

Steve: Pernice Brothers. It’s a lovely tune from their album um, what’s it called, Yours, Mine and Ours.“Blinded by the Stars”

Song break: Pernice Brothers – Blinded by the Stars

Steve: “Blinded by the Stars” from the Pernice Brothers. We've a couple of texts because I occasionally do look at them.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: We got one here complaining. Doesn't say who it’s from. It just says, “Wow. Really clever homophobic material. Genius. Switching off. Idiots.” I don't know what they mean. It was not clever homophobic material, it was just homophobic.

Ricky: Well, what do they mean though?

Steve: But how is it homophobic? We weren't being anti-gay. We were saying we don't understand the gay world. We were querying and questioning it.

Ricky: And yeah, and Kar,l see this is what I mean. Karl gets us into trouble. I can't go through Chinatown anymore.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Not really a town though is it?

Steve: Not really a town. It’s more of a novelty street.

Ricky: Novelty street with restaurants… But I can't, you know. When we sort of like talk, we get tarred with the same brush as him because the man's an idiot. We often say that. We are not homophobic. I don't think Karl's homophobic. He's confused, he's interested. He’s got nothing against Chinese people. He's got a little theory that they don't age well. And these are the sort of things that come across… I mean, they’re not meant to be homophobic and racist. They're showing that Karl, I don't know the PC term for this, is a bit mental.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: I think we are doing our bit by letting him on…

Steve: On the air.

Ricky: …on the air, as well. Like that complaint he got about that woman on, um, what's it called, Who Are You Looking At. Cuz he said about… I don't even want to repeat it, but he said sommat you know…

Karl: But I never meant to upset anyone with that.

Ricky: No I know you didn't, no I know you didn't. No, but I… it’s on a website now. But to be fair she does say it was Karl who said it and we were the idiot presenters that let him on air. But it's like Karl is, bad for our reputation.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? It’s funny to be in the room with him, but then I sort of want to shake it off.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I don't know what to do about it.

Steve: Guilty by association.

Ricky: I know. What you got to say about it for all the stuff you come out with? What have you got to say? I mean I know the answer. It’s absolutely from the heart and genuine…

Steve: Ignorance.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And confusion and interest. You haven't got a malicious bone in your body.

Steve: Well.

Ricky: Well.

Steve: Towards me he has, but yeah, other people.

Ricky: But again, he's just honest with you he's says...

Steve: Well don't repeat what he says, don't repeat it. Just leave it.

Ricky: But it’s not as bad as some of these… but you know he says, remember what you say when you first met him, he looked a bit odd but you got used to it.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Now that's from the heart. That's like him sorta being honest and nice, but he doesn't know what that... And we can take it of course.

Steve: Well.

Ricky: What have you got to say for yourself?

Karl: I haven't got anything to say really.

Steve: That doesn’t surprise.

Karl: There's been other weird stuff going on in the week and that.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Uhhh, might as well talk about it next week, cuz we’re wrapping up. All I’m saying I talk about what's gone on.

Steve: Yeah, have we got Monkey News? Have we left Monkey News behind?

Ricky: Monkey News! Come on!

Steve: What happened?

Ricky: You can't offend monkeys!

Karl: I’ll tell ya what is annoying. Steve’s told me about a film about monkey going off with a woman.

Ricky: The Charlotte Rampling thing where she takes…

Steve: It’s called Max, Mon Amour. Yeah, she has an affair with a monkey. Go on.

Karl: What happened?

Steve: Don’t go into… we can’t go into it.

Ricky: You wouldn't like it, he wouldn't like it, you wouldn't like it. It’s not like… it's weird… and it... you wouldn't ... Kar,l it's not like a nature program where he wears and bowler hat and can talk. The nature programs you seem to see.

Steve: Yeah, I’m trying to think if I’ve see that one.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, yeah Come on. Do Monkey News.

Karl: Alright, Monkey News for this week…

Steve: Play the jingle.

Ricky: Oh chimpanzee that monkey news! Ya ffff!

Karl: Right, it’s about this monkey that was knocking about in the 1950s.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Um just uh, known in the sort of, LA area. Alright. And apparently um, again I haven't really checked all this out, I’ve just kept the bits that looked interesting.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Um, wore a golden mask, and like a cape and uh, a leopard skin belt and stuff, right? So people didn't know that he was monkey.

Steve: Course they didn't, no, yeah.

Karl: It just, they just thought it was this bloke who's going around helping out crime situations and stuff.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right you're an idiot. So one, this disguise, you see a 3 foot 6 bloke with arms the length of his body.

Karl: No, but that's the funny thing right. They knew, they sort of thought it’s a bit odd, you know. He's stocky yet extremely flexible.

Ricky: Yeah... and hairy because he only wore a white mask and a belt.

Karl: And a distinctive jaw line and stuff, and then uh…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Apparently he used to sort of get to his…

Ricky: Nothing we say gets through does it. You’ve decided you can picture this monkey going around solving crimes and its…

Karl: I’m just telling you.

Steve: Let him finish his story. Time’s running out.

Ricky: Jesus.

Karl: So it sort of gets to its crime by sort of swinging from trees and stuff, alright?

Steve: Course it would.

Karl: People just thought it’s a normal fella.

Ricky: Course.

Karl: Then what happened was…

Ricky: This is the bit that's going to annoy me, isn’t it?

Karl: He helped some fellas out, like you know, and for a reward they were like “Do you want some money? You've helped save our lives during a crime and stuff. Do you want some money and that?” And he just went straight for that shopping bags, got a couple of bananas and apples, alright? And as he was bent down looking into the bag getting the bananas and apples they pulled his mask off. Little monkey.

Steve: So he wasn't allowed to work for the police anymore.

Karl: It ended there.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Weird innit?

Silence

Ricky sighs

Steve: Rick can I tell you the meaning of “one flew over the cuckoo's nest”?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Can we never speak of monkey news again?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: It comes apparently from an American childrens nursery rhyme.

One two three four five six seven

All good children go to heaven

Some fly east, some fly west

Ricky and Steve: Some fly over the cuckoo's nest

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: And thanks to Ian for e-mailing that. And shall I give someone the prizes?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Phil Colbert, there you are. It’s the first one I pulled out. He correctly guessed it was “E”. It was an E that Karl got in history. The only qualification he’s got, and it’s an E.

Karl: You know that woman?

Steve: Judge the monkey news based on that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: That woman who went out with a monkey.

Steve: What?

Ricky: It's a film.

Steve: It's a film.

Ricky: It was Charlotte Rampling… in the film. I don't know who played the monkey.

Karl: Did she have any kids?

Silence

Ricky: What with the monkey? In the film?

Karl: Yeah, I’m just thinking if I’m gonna get it out and stuff…

Ricky: No.

Karl: Oh.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Oh, cuz that would've been interesting.

Karl: Well no. It’s just that the problem there is the kids would always look more like their dad.

Steve: See you next week.