28 May 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant return to Xfm for a run of 6 shows, standing in for Adam and Joe, this being the first.

Track Listing

1. "I'm not made of money Rick!"

• Nothing has changed at Xfm in 18 months.

• Steve jokes that some of Ricky's old bacon rinds are on the floor.

• Listenership is down, due to "Old Cure fans dying of smack addictions".

• Gervais suggests the listenership of Xfm has risen by 1; himself.

• Steve's back mainly because his cheaply employed foreign cleaner cleans his house between 1pm and 3pm.

• The duo warn that the show is not like The Office, Animals or Politics as it is poor and shoddily planned.

2. "The Old Finger Up The Arse"

• Ricky reveals a new found love for U2 having hated them for the previous 15 years of his life.

• Ricky and Steve recap Doctor Fox's criticism of their show, during which the DJ described the show as "painful". Steve is amused that Ricky still remembers the slamming.

• Karl won't get a medical checkup as he doesn't want the doctor to do "the old finger up the arse thing.", he doesn't know "what they're going to find up there," and "it's the heart I worry about the most" anyway. Karl and Steve are suspicious of why doctors need to hold the patient's testicles when they cough. Ricky suggests it's to do with the diaphragm. Ricky recalls the time when Karl professed that he doesn't examine his testicles as he "doesn't like the feel". Karl says he can afford to lose one testicle.

• Karl wouldn't let Doctor Fox or Doctor Who conduct a prostate exam either.

3. "Try Both"

• Karl says his life is better for meeting Ricky and Steve as he "has Monday's off now"

• Karl is confused as to whether a website about him featured a dash or an underscore in it's URL, telling the listeners to "try both".

• Steve quizzes Karl using a set of questions featured in the Guardian Guide. Karl's idea of perfect happiness is "fishfingers, potato cakes and beans". His greatest fear is "going to the doctors" and he wants to love to be 84. He most admires Winston Churchill as the Brit prevented English people having to speak German, which Karl claims he wouldn't be good at.

• Karl doesn't know what capital punishment is. When Ricky explains it, Karl thinks it would be a good idea for criminals as prisons are overcrowded and "what can you do with someone who's mental?"

4. Lost in Space...and Knowledge

Ricky says that his idea of happiness is being in a room with Karl before saying his oft-recalled comparison of Karl and a cat, followed by his oft-recalled "Karl might be retarded." jibe. His example is that while researching his new show Science, Karl said that when "Louis Armstrong went to the moon in 1966, there was a fella who didn't even get out to stretch his legs, how good can it be?" Steve tries to get philosophical but Karl insists that "there's no point", "nowt there" ,"did they look properly?", "it's like if an alien landed in Africa" and "we haven't done everything here on Earth yet". Steve remarks that he wouldn't go as he wouldn't be able to cover his goggle eyes with his NHS-spec glasses. The questioning resumes. Karl regrets not doing well at school, his street keeps him awake at night because it's noisy - again, a literal answer to a deep question. If there was a war Karl says he's simply go on holiday.

5. O.A.P's (Orientals Are Prunes)

Ricky sounds like Doctor Fox while talking about The Who, then rejoices that Karl has got Rockbusters and Monkey News (is he mad?). Karl realises that the web address actually contained an underscore, Steve says one of his big words, one of his catchphrases! He thinks it is "interminable" giving out web addresses. Ricky says that in swearwords, only the vowel is offensive; acceptable words could be "Kants", like the philosopher, "cump", "fulking", "shnit" and combines a few with "willy wonka and his fulking cumps". Steve tells a sceptical Karl that two 80-something Japanese soldiers have been found in the woods somewhere, they still think it's the war. Karl brings up one of the greatest theories of our time: "Orientals Don't Age Well". "There's no 33 year old Chinamen, or fat ones," our messiah proclaims before saying that there is "no middle ground", "22 year olds are about", "49 year olds are around", "they don't age well, I don't know what's in 'em". He asks Stee if he can name a famous middle aged Chinaman. karl himself can only think of Bruce Lee. He thinks that Bruce Lee, 33 when he dies, actually looked 42. He presses his point. Steve sarcastically jokes that there are "people who have been waiting month for this!"

6. The Prize Is Rock (busters)

It's oh so quiet, it's oh so still... dead air. Steve says Karl is more backwards than ever. Karl advises a Japanese man who's getting married to take some good wedding photos before she gets old. He says in a roundabout manner that Suzanne's mum isn't exactly a pretty thing. He promises to tell of his holiday with Suzanne later in the show. Ricky tells of the Rockbusters prizes; a signed Spinal Tap poster courtesy of Christopher Guest, a drawing of Homer Simpson insulting our Karl by Matt Groening and a drawing of the Holy Trinity of Comedy as Flanimals; "bloat dumbplunt" "gog-lanker" and "pinkloid numbscrunt".

7. Craptic Clues, it's Rockbusters

Steve shows his hand-eye coordination by spilling champagne on some wires, before shamelessly plugging said champagne, and begging for more products, possibly literally, but we cannot see if he is kneeling down or not. Ricky promises to shoot a cork at Karl's head for the finale. Karl sets the Rockbusters:

1. So you get a bulb (Karl collapses into a fit of the giggles as Ricky mocks his accent) and look after it, teach it stuff, what're you doing there, know what I mean, what's gone on? - R.

2. Errr... People have problem doing this when they get home from a night's drinking, what's the problem? - K.

3. I had a vision of that Chinese Flu - C.

8. Arachn-eats Chicken

Steve tells listeners to keep listening for the cork-popping finale, just for the sound. "It's not 'app'nin'" Karl says. Ricky hopes for a cowbell or woodblock sound. Ricky wants people to send him stuff to "Harm Karl" with, Steve suggests trapping his head inside a George Foreman grill. Ricky tells of his torture instrument; a tea towel with a spoon in, he turns it. "It hurts" Karl, the victim, contributes. Steve says he was praying for a tsunami while watching Celebrity Love Island. The Oggmonster compares Karl to Paul Danan, thanks to the Ex-Hollyoaks simpleton's plea that "I like Lady Isabella Harvey 'cause she don't like books and I don't like books." Ricky and Steve hate Big Brother, Rebecca Loos ("wonked off a pog") and Abi Titmuss ("do these people have families? Her nan must be proud.") Ricky confesses that he'll watch Big Brother for the next 6 weeks to see if anyone gets hurt. He says Karl should go on but the Manc hates it, and it annoys him that Gervais watches it, presumably while eating cheese and drinking beer. Karl says there is always something better on, for example, the program about foot long spider that eats chicken. He thinks it's worrying that nobody is talking about it, especially as it can move,; "they come over here in bananas" he frets.

9. Bad Lyrics

Ricky advertises "Rock Godz", with a "z" and an umlaut. He tells of the bad lyrics in the song by Rick Springfield; "I tell her I love her but the point may be moot." Steve quotes Brian Adams ("he thinks he's Bruce Springsteen" the lanky one says); "I'm in my hotel room/ There's a knock on the door and I get nervous/ I'm hoping it's you/ It's just room service". The DJ on the show that Steve heard that piece of tripe on, Christian O'Connel remarked "that sounded great", which Steve thinks is a perfect response to a rubbish session as it compliments the engineers, Karl chuckles at that, being as how he works in sound and all. Ricky applauds Brian Adams for buying the noisy pub next door to him, Karl thinks it's daft. Ricky says the highlight of Extras was dressing his editor up as a baby, such a sophisticated man!

Rockbusters Answers:

1. R - Razorlight (Raise a light).

2. K - Keane (Key in) "Awful," says Gervais.

3. C - Caesars (See SARS). Paul in Bookham wins the prizes, although Steve doubts the state of his mind after getting Karl's answers.

10. Champagne Supern-owwww-va

Oh yes, the finale! Steve films as Gervais readies the bottle. Karl adopts the Brace position with this hands on head. Ricky fires! Karl grunts in pain! "Did that hit me?" he shouts, it seems it went off course. Steve wants more bottles to practice.

11. Don't swat a fly, SWAT a monkey

Gervais and Merchant recap ("finger up arse, Kants, racism, cork on head...") Monkey News time people. Karl says he hasn't really had time to digest it properly. Ricky says they're not proper anyway. Karl suggests a repeat, Gervais demands new stuff then when Karl begins he thinks he's making it up as the Manc isn't reading from a piece of paper. Karl proceeds. He says that the police are having recruitment problems so the American SWAT have been taking on Monkeys and giving them Walkie Talkies ("They can't talk!" Ricky argues. "They're just Walkies," quick witted Merchant adds.) Karl says the monkeys have been given commands, they're good at getting into small spaces and good at cracking stuff. "It's just half a story I picked up on," he protests when Gervais gets angry. "It's not a story!" the little fat man with the pug nosed face (David Bowie's words, not mine) shouts. "What do you want?" Karl asks, like a little boy in a corner. "Monkey News!" Steve shouts, sounding not unlike a chimp himself as he blares it into the ears of XFM listeners. "This is one of the worst shows we've ever done," Gervais criticises. Even placid Steve gets angry. Karl protests that he needs to keep the show fresh, then he cuts to adverts. A triumphant return!

Quotes

SM: Which living person do you most admire?

KP: Eh...

SM: Which person thorughout any time in history do you most admire?

KP: Winston Churchill's pretty good

RG: Yeah, very good

KP: He was alright

SM: Why?

KP: Cause if it weren't for him, we'd be talking German, and i'm not that good at that

Playlist

Since You Been Gone - Rainbow

City of Blinding Lights - U2

Feel it in the Air - Beenie Seagull

In My Time - Matthew Sweet

Best of You - Foo Fighters

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who

Unknown

Unknown - Kings Of Leon

Forever Lost - Magic Numbers

Unknown

Glorious Day - Embrace

Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

Unknown - Green Day

Homesick- Kings of Convenience

Extras

Transcript needed

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/nzc3f0

http://savefile.com/files/45190

http://rapidshare.de/files/32357985/s04e01.mp3

See Also

• Xfm Series 1
• Xfm Series 2
• Xfm Series 3