29 November 2003/Transcript

Currently in queue for the Transcribing Task Force.

(20:00) KP: Brilliant program.

SM: Yeah.

RG: It’s just the same, he just sees that, he gets fasc- he doesn’t read on.

SM: Mm.

RG: His education is just, sound bytes, bytes and … self-embelishment in his own head.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Well (can’t understand) ‘cause people --

RG: It’s like, he gets all his news from Ananova and he just reads the headlines.

KP: No.

SM: Yeah.

RG: And he just doesn’t bother readin’ it –

SM: Well you know he, he considers that education.

RG: Well –

SM: He gets annoyed if you think that you, more information is useful.

KP: See, don’t get goin’ on that. We’ll talk about that later. If you’re gonna start havin’ a go –

RG: Oh! I’ll tell ya what. Right. OK, after, OK, we’re gonna play a song now, and um, I’m gonna tell, London, Karl’s confusion over evolution.

SM: Right.

KP: Bit ‘a’ U2?

RG: Oh, brilliant.

SM: Sweet.

RG: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh….

SM: 104.9 Xfm

RG: Yeahhhhh.

song SM: U2, The Sweetest Thing, on Xfmmm. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl PIlkington.

RG: So, we’re with Karl in the week, seein’ what we can do this week. I said don’t do Rockbusters, that’s dead in the water. Hope the uh, hope the uh listening public agree with me. Um, he’s goin’ Well, why’d’cha teach ya stuff again, remember what I taught ya last week, I went, No, no idea. What, you’re jokin’. I went No. Um, it was, he went – Ivan the Terrible, gouged out a fella’s eyes.

SM: Yeah.

RG: He actually said ‘Iva the Terrible’ at the time, so –

SM: Yeah. I can’t remember, this was a man who had built something for Ivan the Terrible and then Ivan gouged his eyes out?

RG: Yeah. B-but his idea of education is telling someone something that knows more about the subject than him so they can correct him when he’s telling ‘em it.

SM: Yeah.

RG: And uh, so I said Well – I don’t know – (sighs) – and he gets annoyed that me and you are dubious against monkeys who perform bank robberies, and he goes But you believe in Newton!

Steve laughs

SM: Yeah.

RG: He doesn’t know the difference. I was tryin’ to explain to him the laws of the universe, right, he was goin’ What, what, what’re ya—and so all I could come up with I said, I thought somethin’ interesting – you know when you tell a child maths, you say you’ve got 3 potatoes and you’ve got 4 potatoes,

SM: Yeah.

RG: I have to do that with science to Karl,

SM: Yeah yeah yeah.

RG: So what I ended up, I said imagine you’re in a shopping trolley with loads of house bricks. If you throw the house bricks out, you’ll go the other way. He loved that.

SM: Right.

RG: He ab--- Didn’t ya?

KP: Mm. Because I didn’t know, that, that, that would happen. And, it’s, it’s sort of useful to know, it sort of explained a bit to me and stuff.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

KP: Right. And that’s that’s why I like doin’ stuff, every week, I think listeners go away, going Well I didn’t know that. Y’know what I mean. Karl taught me something there.

SM: Karl. They forget it instantly, just like we do.

KP: They don’t.

SM: We’re friends of yours, and we forget it instantly.

KP: No, the annoying thing with you is, Steve, not so much with Ricky, at least he’ll listen now and again, you’ll just dismiss stuff straight away.

Ricky laughs

SM: But Karl –

KP: I taught you loads of stuff yesterday , I taught you loads of stuff.

SM: But Karl, what you consider education,

Ricky laughs

SM: W—hang on – what you consider education, I consider tittle-tattle.

KP: Well..

SM: It’s not education. D’ya’ know what I mean? You seem to think it’s education. It’s just kind of, gossip, stories you sort of half-read,

KP: Right. All right, example of yesterday. Goldfish have longer memories than people think they do.

RG: Yeah?

KP: You said, No that’s rubbish.

RG: No we didn’t, we said Where’d you get that from?

SM: No! We said Where’d you get that question from?

RG: We said Oh really?

SM: There’s not enough information there for it to be educational, because ‘longer than you think’ –

RG: Because it’s relative—

SM: I don’t know—

RG: Because, because the, because that as a statement, it has no objectivity. Goldfishes memories are longer than some people think. That isn’t a fact.

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly.

RG: ‘Cause we don’t know how, how long do people think a goldfish’s memory is? Do you see what that isn’t a fact, whereas Lawton – uh, uh – Newton’s, uh, laws of physics and the universe, are.

KP: All right, all right, but it was just a little thing. Uh, and I taught you more than that, I said, I said about, there’s loads of Chinese people, you put ‘em in a line, you can’t get to the end of it.

RG: I don’t know what that means!

SM: I don’t know what that means.

KP: There’s, there’s loads of Chinese people.

SM: We know that. But what? If we put them in a line we can’t get to the end of it?

RG: Just, just say there’s about a billion Chinese people in the world.

KP: But what really annoys me is, right, I read somethin’ on the internet the other day, ‘cause I’m always tryin’ to learn stuff,

RG: Yeah, I know you are, I know you are, yeah,

KP: Right. And you’re having a go at me, because you’re sayin’ Well, what does that mean, yet, there was a report on, I think it was Ananova, or BBC News website, it said, The world may end in 32 million years. Right, first of all it said ‘may’, doesn’t say it will, and 32 mill—who’s gonna argue with that? And yet they, they’re allowed to put that on a website, you’re not havin’ a go at them,

SM: No, but Karl –

RG: But you didn’t read on!

SM: There’s more information there!

RG: It wasn’t mean—that wasn’t meant to be a newsflash, to worry people, that was like, that was like, Oh scientists have discovered the possiblity that – that was just like—

KP: Yeah, but again, possiblity.

SM: No, but Karl, there’s 8 other paragraphs that you haven’t read, you see that all has to give explanations as to why they think that might happen.

KP: Didn’t need to, didn’t need to read it.

SM: So therefore it becomes a news item, it becomes educational. It’s not just the headli—the bullet point—y’know the headlines are just supposed to draw you in, to the story, so you read on. That’s not all the information.

RG: But then I was tryin’ to come up with things to, um, to excite him, I realized that I was, opening a can of worms. Um, I was tryin’ to come up with facts for him, he said Give me facts, so I said, Um, I said, oh, OK, uh, why can’t an owl, why does an owl have to turn its, sort of head, 180 degrees? I said it’s ‘cause the eyes are so large, it has a huge focal point for its sight, that it, they can’t move within the skull. All right? And he went, Well why’d they do that? Why didn’t they just do it, give ‘em normal eyes, and, not have to have ‘em turn their head? I went, What do you mean, Why didn’t they? He goes, well whoever did that. I went, Well it was evolution, It was (mutters). He went, it’s like giraffes, I read that giraffes grew their necks to eat food—I went, they didn’t grow their necks, to, get the food, uh, the ones that head upshots lived longer to grow the food and passed on their---- He went, Yeah, but why didn’t they just give ‘em wings? I went Why didn’t WHO just give ‘em wings? He got angry and went, WHOEVER GAVE ‘EM THE NECKS!

Steve laughs

RG: The- his understanding of evolution made me fall on the floor!

SM: Who do you imagine is they, ‘cause you don’t believe in God, do you, so who is it you imagine is they?

KP: Well, whoever made us, sorted us out.

Ricky laughs

SM: WHO??

KP: I don’t know! It just happens, dunnit?

RG: Yeah! Exactly!

SM: Well Karl, listen, I –

RG: There’s no will to evolution, it’s natural selection.

SM: I ---

KP: I still don’t get it, though. We talked about, about an hour about it –

SM: Yeah, but to be fair, I watched as Ricky tried to give you actually what was quite a concise and educated version of evolution, he tried to explain it to you, and I have never seen a person lose interest quicker.

RG: But I used, I, I tried to use, uh, actual fact, then I tried to use metaphor and analogy, then I showed you some computer programs to show what biofeedback was, and I tried all these things, and Steve’s right. You were lookin’ out the window.

SM: Have you ever spoken, Karl, to someone who’s got Alzheimer’s disease? And you tried to explain who you are, and they’re listening, and then they – that’s what you’re like. It’s extraordinary. But listen, seriously, I found this book. I found a couple of facts which I think are more up your street. Evolution is a little bit complicated. Little bit big. But this one I think, I think we may’ve mentioned it before. I think you’ll like this. This is from a book of facts and trivia. “The Egyptians trained baboons to wait on tables”. That’s interesting to you, innit?

KP: Yeah, that’s pretty good. Have you got any more there a’that?

SM: I’ll see if I can find any more --

RG: Oh, he’s interested! Couldn’t get the staff –

KP: That did happen, yeah?

RG: You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

SM: That definitely happened, yeah.

KP: And then what did they go off and do after that?

SM: Well it doesn’t say, see this is it --

RG: I love the fact that he thinks, right – OK, so in his mind, now the monkey goin’ It’s 5:30, I’m off, you know I was goin’ home early today! And they go off maybe dancin’ or summat, maybe come in late, or –

SM: No, I think he’s, I think he, well I assumed what he meant there was that was their first career move, and they went on –

RG: Yeah! Yeah!

SM: It’s like actors waiting to be discovered!

Ricky laughs

RG: Play a record!

SM: Just one more, before you play a record. You’ll like this. Peter the Great, you ever heard of Peter the Great?

KP: No.

SM: OK, well anyway, Peter the Great had his wife’s lover –

RG: Oh --- you’ll love this Karl.

SM: Executed, right, so he, his wife had a lover, he had him executed, and he put his head into a jar of alcohol, and his wife had to keep it in her bedroom. Do you understand that? So every time she saw, every morning she’d wake up and there was her lover’s head, in a jar.

KP: Who took his head off? He took his own head off,

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh, for Christ sake!

SM: Play a record.

RG: Play a record.

SM: She had a lover, oh, nevermind. Nevermind.

RG: Forget it! Forget it!

song

SM: Mad World on Xfm. We just had a (laughs), we just had a text, Rick, from Andrew Barnes. He said did, he watched the same documentary, it would appear, as Karl did in the week, and he says here, Just to clarify, the leech-nose man got it up there when drinking from a muddy stream. Uh, and he goes on. One can only imagine the frightenenness he experienced.

RG: Oh! Oh Karl!

Steve laughs

RG: Explain to him once more, what, what happened with Peter the Great.

SM: OK, so we’ve got Peter the Great,

RG: Yeah,

SM: OK, and his wife had a lover

RG: That’s another man.

SM: Another man.

RG: Not Peter the Great.

SM: She was having an affair, with someone else.

KP: Right.

SM: And Peter the Great, he found out about that, OK, so he sliced off this bloke’s head, he killed him, he executed him –

KP: Right.

SM: Y-you with me so far.

KP: The, the feller who, who,

RG: Oh, Jesus.

KP: She was, she was seein’ for a bit.

RG: Yeah, there’s only two fellas involved here,

SM: There’s two people involved. One’s Peter the Great,

KP: All right, all right.

SM: The other one’s NOT. The guy that’s not Peter the Great,

RG: Der-derrick the Terrible,

SM: Derrick the Rubbish,

RG: Yeah.

SM: Right. He’s having an affair with Peter the Great’s mrs. So Peter the Great slices off his head, puts it inside a jar of alcohol to preserve it, and puts it in his wife’s bedroom. So every morning she wakes up, she sees her dead lover’s head.

RG: You, you’d have thought she wouldn’t have wanted to remember, would ya. Best put, bury the head. So she can’t, doe’n’t remember,

SM: He wanted to remind her so as to not put it about!

KP: Did it work? Steve laughs

SM: I don’t know!

RG: I love that. Again, that to me is an amazing thing to do. And you go, Did it work? I mean, you’ve got quite an interesting mind, actually, I mean you are, in some ways, really really bright and intelligent. I, I love the way you think, uh - you’re one of the cleverest blokes, in some ways, that I know.

KP: M’dad always says I’ve got common sense.

SM: Well …

RG: Yeah.

KP: And that’s, that’s more important than knowin’ about, you know, goldfish and that.

RG: But it’s what it, you really, you, it’s like you follow the subplot. Which is quite an interesting thing, d’y’know what I mean? It’s like, y-you tell you a story and you’ll always pick up on something that I didn’t even think was an important - bit. It’s like you’re always, you’re looking out of the window all the time.

KP: So what’s important about that ‘ead thing?

RG: The—what d’y’ mean?

KP: The, the head in the jar. What should I learn?

RG: That – it’s a grotesque thing to do. It, it, it shows, ego, power, cruelty, and revenge.

SM: Although I think it probably did work, because he is called Peter the Great.

RG: Yeah.

SM: So you’d assume got, he’d got got it right.

RG: Yeah.

SM: I don’t see how you can query that, that’s the sort of facts you give us! You see now, you’re on the other side of the fence, and you’ve got questions, just like we’ve always got questions!

RG: No, but in Karl’s thing, it would’ve been, Turns out, some weird happened, right, and he was still alive. So she was still havin’ sex wit’ body. And his head was watchin’.

Steve laughs

SM: Yeah.

RG: And Peter the Great didn’t even know.

SM: See how he’s perked up?

KP: I understand, I understand, what, what you’re sayin’. Now I’ve learned some other stuff. So we’ll, I’ll see if I, you know, educate you a bit, before 3.

RG: I’ll tell you what education I want, I want to know what sort of things I can buy this weekend.

KP: Butt plugs?

RG: No – have you got an adverts?

advert/song

SM: It’s My Life from No Doubt on Xfm. Cool cool song.

RG: Yeah, love it. Love it.

SM: You enjoyed that, Rick.

RG: On Xfm 104.9. Right! Karl! This is where he shines! This is where, this is what Karl gets Mondays off for. Um. Rrrrrrrr! OK, Karl, what is it? You want to explain this?

KP: This is the bit where, I’m in a film. And, uh, sort of, edit me into it, so I’m like an actor in a major film. We’ve done Kez, we’ve done One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Shining, stuff like that.

SM: Mmm-hmm.

KP: Uh, this week, it’s A Few Good Men.

RG: Brilliant film, brilliant film.

KP: With, uh, Jack Nicholson, an’ that.

RG: Yeah.

KP: Uh, so, you listen to this, and, uh, and we give the question later on? Probably,

SM: Ah- let’s give it after this, after the clip.

KP: All right. Uh, haven’t really got one sorted, but I’ll think of one whilst its on. So, have a listen to this, take everythin’ in, and then, question at the end RG: Yeah.

KP: So, it’s a scene where the court case. All right?

RG: Yep.

• • • (Film Clip)***

judge: All rise! Call your witness.

KP: Yeah, he’s, just comin’ now. All right, Jack?

Jack: Colonel.

KP: Wh?

Jack: I’d appreciate if you would address me as Colonel or Sir. I believe I’ve earned it.

judge: Defense council will address the witness as Colonel or Sir.

KP: All right, Colonel. Bit smart today with all the uh, all the army stuff on.

Jack: You ever served in an infantry unit, son?

KP: Nah. Brother did. He was, uh, he was in the army. Got kicked out though. ‘Cause, ‘cause uh, he went for a packet ‘a fags in a tank. Weird that, innit?

Jack: No it’s not. It’s tragic.

KP: Mm. Wouldn’t say it’s tragic. I’ll show you something tragic. I always, um, carry this book around with me. I always show it to people. It’s got like, the top 50 weird people in the world in it, all right? It’s all sorts of weird stuff in it. Uh … look at this one ‘ere. It’s a fella, right, he’s got two heads, and the weird thing is, right, it’s the top 50 weird people in the world. He’s at 50, he’s got 2 heads. All right? Makes you wonder what’s gonna be at number 1, dunnit.

Jack: Are these really the questions that I was called here to answer?

KP: No, but look at it! Imagine if you were his mate. You wouldn’t get a word in edgewise, wouldja, if you were -

Jack: Maybe he didn’t have any friends.

KP: Hm. Probably right. They say, don’t they, they say, two’s company, three’s a crowd, so.

Jack: Please tell me that you have something more, lieutenant.

KP: Yeah! I got loads more! Look at this feller, number 36, look at him. Three legs. Little fella with 3 legs, right. Guess what his job is?

Jack: My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue.

KP: Well I’ll tell you. He’s a juggler.

Jack: I beg your pardon?

KP: He’s a juggler.

Jack: This is ridiculous.

KP: I know it’s ridiculous. You’re probably thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’. Why wasn’t he a footballer? Great at, (??) an’ that, when he --

Jack: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

KP: It’s just, it’s just that I’d like to know the truth, because -

Jack: You can’t handle the truth!

judge: Gentlemen!

KP: Well I’ve paid for the book, so I think I’m entitled to know why –

Jack: I don’t give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!

judge: You’d better get somewhere fast with this, Lieutenant.

KP: What about this one then? This lad here. He’s 12 years old, he looks 48. What, what d’you think?

Jack: No.

KP: Why not though? You, you said you didn’t want to know anymore about the juggler, you didn’t say you didn’t want to know anymore about -

Jack: I know what I said, I don’t have to have it read back to me like I’m –

KP: All right!

judge: Lieutenant, do you have anything further for this witness?

KP: Well, just wanted to know if you thought Mr. Web Foot at number 42 shoulda took up swimming, but,

Jack: Absolutely not.

KP: You would say that now, would ya. Forget it.

Ricky laughs

SM: Well, don’t know what to say, really, that’s Karl Pilkington in the, uh, film A Few Good Men, with Jack Nicholson. Acting alongside Jack, and I have to say, givin’ him a run for his money!

RG: I think Karl is a really good actor.

SM: Mm.

RG: I genuinely think that. Should we put him in summat?

SM: Yeah, definitely! Definitely!

RG: OK.

KP: What’s the question?

RG: So, what’s his forte, you think?

KP: Just sort of, uh, playin’ that sort of stuff. Deep stuff.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah! OK. We can sort that out.

KP: Think of a question there? Outta that little lot.

RG: Um,

SM: You, you’ve not got one.

KP: Uhh..

RG: W-well, I’ve got one. Um, who was at number, 30-6, whatever it was. What was it?

KP: Dunno. Uh, let’s, let’s

RG: Who was at number 50! Who was at number 50.

KP: Yeah. All right, then. OK, who’s number, who, what, yeah.

SM: Yeah, what was ‘all about the guy who was at number 50, 50 weirdest people,

RG: Mm.

KP: Just text in. Uh, 83XFM. And put your address on there as well an’ that.

SM: And what prizes are there, Karl?

KP: Uh, load of stuff. Uh,

SM: Oh! Actually, not bad. There’s uh, Lord of the Rings, on there, Michael Palin’s Around the World in 80 Days, if you’ve not had a chance to see that yet, it’s been repeated about 80 times.

Ricky laughs

SM: Um, Look Around You, which is an excellent show, if you’ve not seen that,

RG: Yeah, it’s brilliant.

SM: There’s some other good stuff, not too bad, so the, um, relatively poor stand-up DVD, Ricky Gervais’ Live. Mediocre!

Ricky laughs

RG: Can’t keep give ‘em away.

SM: Yeah. All right, and you can win all those p-prizes, if you can answer, which question again?

KP: Who was the feller who was at number 50 in the book, what was up wit’ him?

SM: Excellent.

KP: All right so let’s uh, want to play, uh,

RG: Thorns?

KP: Thorns?

RG: It’s the most beautiful track, I’ve, I - I can’t get enough of this. Listen to it -you’ll love it.

song

RG: Karl, come on, whatsa matter wit’ you? No, no (can’t understand)

KP: What?

RG: Thorns. Beautiful, innit? Inn’t that a great track.

KP: It’s all right, yeah.

SM: We just had an email, that woman who opened The Office script, could have her head cut off. Apparently. When a letter is posted it becomes property of the Queen, until it reaches the person it was meant for. By opening it, she’s committed treason, and could be killed. I don’t know if you’re familiar with this story, Karl are you?

KP: What?

SM: Apparently, uh, some copies of The Office Christmas specials, scripts, got sent to the wrong address. Some woman. And uh, inst—I mean, I don’t know what you do in that situation, normally if I get mail that’s not addressed to me, I just, put it, give it to the postman or put it back in the post box.

RG: Radio 1 tried to speak to her, but apparently, um, she’s got a gagging order, which makes us think that she sold it to the Sundays.

SM: Oh, right.

RG: So we’ll read it, we’ll read the plot, of The Office tomorrow,

SM: Yeah, yeah.

RG: In the Sunday papers, which’ll ruin it for some people.

SM: Ruin it for a lot of people, yeah.

RG: But the other thing is, yeah, uh, yeah, I mean, If it was sent to her, obviously her name wasn’t on it.

SM: Mm.

RG: If that’s, if that’s true, in which case, I think that is quite a serious offense, isn’t it?

SM: I would hope so, I mean I would hope that if I sent something in an envelope, that it would --

RG: Well, the BBC, Ash, actually, at the BBC, thinks that because the person, they said it was meant to be sent to got his, he thinks, maybe, that’s an excuse. Maybe someone gave her the script and said, don’t tell her it, don’t say it came from me.

SM: Yeah yeah yeah.

RG: So, I dunno. And maybe she’s protectin’ someone, I don’t know.

SM: Yeah. Well, if that is the case –

RG: Well either way, either way, don’t sell it to a newspaper!

SM: Well I – yeah. It’s just, it’s just the kind of mercenary nature of it that I loathe. You know, it’s the fact that, and the fact that it’s only just now, makes me wonder if she had it there, lying around in the off- in, in her house and someone said to her, Well why don’t you go to the papers? Try and flog it.

RG: Yeah. But I don’t it, I don’t think she’s gonna get a lot for it. ‘Cause people are gonna see it soon. It’s not like it’s the Hitler Diaries.

SM: Well it’s not very well-written!

Ricky laughs

RG: But I mean, I dunno.

SM: I’ll tell you what I’m frustrated by, it’s just the fact that it’s like, we’ve worked hard to give people some kind of pleasure, for this Christmas. You know, ‘cause a lot of people are very depressed, Rick, very low at this time of year, they’ve not got what they wanted, we’re tryin’ to cheer ‘em up, give ‘em a bit of happiness.

RG: Yeah, but I think she’ll be happy if she gets a lot a’ money.

SM: True. True.

RG: I dunno. I think it’s, I think it’s just tacky, really.

SM: It is – well, if you’re a fan of the show and you don’t want to know what happens, then, don’t read the Sundays tomorrow, or at least avoid it when it says We tell you what happens.

RG: The paper’s not gonna ruin it. The papers might go, We’ve got ‘em but we’re not gonna ruin it for people.

SM: Well that would be ideal. That would be ideal.

RG: That would be a nice, a nice gesture. But uh, OK.

KP: Well, all I can say is, it’s a good job that I send out the prizes.

Ricky laughs

SM: Sure.

KP: Because that Michael Palin, Around the World in 80 Days will be goin’ to the person who won it.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Yeah yeah yeah.

KP: And if someone else receives it, they better not try and, you know what I mean, keep it, it should go to the winner.

RG: Yeah. Exactly. That is a very good point.

SM: Mm.

KP: So-

SM: Be warned.

(39:59)