10 November 2001/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 10 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

Fly and Dope

Ricky: Xfm 104.9. Steve just back announce that for us.

Steve: Yeah, from the album Princess Superstar is- that was Princess Superstar with Untouchable Part I. Did you enjoy it?

Ricky: I really enjoyed it.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: So I’ll tell ya what, there’s two ingredients I look for in a record. It was both fly and dope.

Steve laughs

Steve: High five, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re sweet, you’re sweet man.

Ricky: Coming up, I’ve got my, um, film review.

Steve: Looking forward to that.

Ricky: It’s a great one. It’s a great film.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: We’ve got Song for the Lovers any minute now.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Uh and-

Steve: Probably loads more chat.

Ricky: Yea. Yeaayeeaaaow. There will be. There will be.

PJ Harvey - This is Love

Ricky's Film Review

Ricky: PJ Harvey. This is Love. Xfm 104.9. It’s the Ricky Gervais Show innit?

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yep. But you’re gonna keep quiet now, Steve. Cuz I’ve got to do my world famous film review.

Steve: Looking forward to it.

Ricky: Yeah. I know you criticize it because you say I do sort of films that aren’t on like, current release, or I sort of just do the plot.

Steve: Mmm mmm.

Ricky: But, you know.

Steve: Have you taken that criticism onboard?

Ricky: I have.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: This week’s “Ricky Gervais Film Review”-

Steve: Doo doo.

Ricky: Sezzeeeeoo.

Ricky: -is Jungle Book.

Steve: The Jungle Book?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was made, what, in 1968?

Ricky: I don’t know but listen, shut up right. This is a good review right. For people who don’t- who either have heard it or haven’t, you might learn something.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Cuz it’s sorta my take on it.

Steve: Has the review begun yet or?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No. No. I’m gonna start now ok?

Steve: Go.

Ricky: Right, little kid. He’s in the jungle, right? But he knows a bear and a panther. They’re good friends but, it’s dangerous becaaause you gotta watch out, the tiger and the snake. Now the reason is they don’t mind him but he’s human and he can make fire, they can’t. That’s why he’s sorta in demand even though they conquered the power of speech they can’t make fire. And then, the orangutan gets in. Now, he’s in trouble. But the bear puts coconuts on and makes himself look like it, then they fall off. They gotta get away, but then he mets, like, a girl and it’s… their not, you know.

Steve: Haha. Ok. Do you write these yourself?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: You don’t get a professional to do it?

Ricky: Nope.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: No no.

Steve: Ok ok. And what would you give that one out of five?

Ricky: It’s nine.

Steve: That’s a nine out of five. Strong review there. Strong film then for you.

Ricky: Well yeah.

Steve: And you recommend that for friends and family?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Just get it on the ol’ DVD or in the cinema.

Steve: Ok. Good. And the film again was?

Ricky: Jungle Book.

Steve: Jungle Book. Jolly good. Alright. Thanks very much for that.

Ricky: Well now it’s time for Song for the Lovers, this is The Smiths and Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me.

Steve: Alright, yeayea.

Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me begins to play

Ricky: I forgot-

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: -about the elephants.

Steve: Oh well that’s gonna ruin it for everyone, they won’t understand what you are talking about.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Lonely Steve

Ricky: Smiths. Lovely song, Last Night I Dreamed Somebody Loved Me.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: Song for the Lovers there. On Xfm 104.9. Can’t believe I forgot the elephants. That is- that was key-

Steve: -element of the review, really.Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Don’t let it get you down, Rick. I know how these things depress you before-

Ricky: I know.

Steve: -when you’ve not done the film review the best you could. It kinda winds you up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You stew about it. Um, played a beautiful song there. Uh, Song for the Lovers.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, you know I do get depressed when I see people around who’ve go girlfriends and I think- You know, cuz I haven’t and I don’t know what’s the rule. We mentioned last week that fat bloke from Pop Idol. He’s got a bird, which annoys me, angers me. And um, this really depressed me; walking into Piccadilly Circus tube a couple nights ago. Homeless guy, wrapped up, unwashed. And uh, Northern.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And uh, he’s being spoken to by some kind of carer, you know some kind of worker who’s come to dish out stale sandwiches. And I just overheard as I was passing, him going “Well it’s very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I sort- I lingered for a bit. I was thinking “What?!” And he was going “Yeah-“. Basically I pieced together that he’s got a girlfriend- He’s from Leeds- He’s got a girlfriend who’s also homeless, who’s homeless up in Leeds. And occasionally she kind of homelesses her way down to London.

Ricky: I love the fact he’s traveled to be homeless.

Steve: I know! Pathetic. Oh, I angered that they’re could be-

Ricky: Is there a lot of cheap housing in Leeds? Would that ruin it for him?

Steve: But it just- I assume she was squatting or something.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But it was like- It just depressed me because it was like, not only is he sort of like homeless, but he’s got a homeless girlfriend. Homeless people are finding love.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean it’s so- I’m mean that’s really depressing, Karl isn’t it? Unless they became smackheads together.

Ricky: Karl. No. Karl’s found love on the street before, haven’t ya?

Steve: How’s it going with your bird Karl? Are you married? How long you’ve been out with her?

Karl: Seven years.

Steve: Cuz I mean, you’re quite a simple man.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re sort of a simpleton-

Ricky: And in a nice way. You’re like Helen from Big Brother. You’re sort of nice enough but-

Karl: But I look normal.

Ricky: Well, yeah, you sort of do. But you could be one of those that suddenly goes mental with a pen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Just stab people through the eyes.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, you sort of look normal. But if I- I wouldn’t really want to wind you up to a point of frenzy.

Steve: Do you- How did you met your girlfriend?

Karl: Through work.

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: What through her work?

Ricky laughs

Karl laughs

Steve: What you phoned up and said-

Karl: We worked at the same place.

Steve: Oh right right right.

Ricky: You’re quite an enigma aren’t you? Could you give us more on that?

Steve: At work? You met her at work? What, she came in sellin’ sandwiches? She was going through the bins outside. What do you mean you met her at work?

Karl: Why are you having an attack on me? You’re the one who’s sad and lonely.

Steve: I’m not-

Ricky: Oh he’s done you again! He’s done you again!

Steve: Yeah but what was interesting was I just scratched and he just went mental.

Ricky: Yeah I know.

Steve: He was like a bear caught in a trap.

Ricky: It’s funny innit? You’ll never learn.

Steve: No, I was just interested to find out what the story was. It might be a really romantic story.

Karl: Well, it’s not.

Steve: Alright. Jeez. I like the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about his love affair.

Karl: I was- I was thinking about you in the week. And like… Does it worry you- I mean you sort of joke about it now when we talk about it in the office. You know like “Is Steve really touchy about the way he looks?”

Steve: Oh ho ho ho. What’s this? Where’s that come from?

Ricky: He’s done it again. He’s done you again.

Karl: Walking home the other night and I was thinking about it. And do you worry that when you’re old you will be on your own?

Steve: Oh ho.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ooo hoo! You did start it though, didn’t ya?

Steve: Well. Karl I’m glad you’ve brought this up.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No because I- for me, ya know- a lightweight frothy entertainment show on Xfm on a Saturday afternoon is exactly the place where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that’s inevitably coming my way.

Ricky: Oh god, I tell you what would cheer you up, to forget about it all. A bit of Embrace

Steve: Oh oh, one of the most hated bands.

Song: Embrace – Make it Last

Song: Hives – Main Offender

Schindler's Lifts

Ricky: Hives - Main Offender, before that Embrace - Make it Last, I know you don't like Embrace much, but that's a nice tune, they do cut a nice little chorus (SM sure) and I think their heart's in the right place (SM Ok), yes, very nice. What - could you do better? I was mucking around...

Steve: that's not fair

Ricky: no no, I was thinking, there's not enough avant-garde stuff, and I just did this right (unusual sound) - there's a little spring on the mic - what does that sound like? does it sound good? I haven't got my headphones on. does it sound good?

Steve: it sounds brilliant

Ricky: I was thinking of just doing that, and sending it to John Peel, (continues making sound) maybe with some samples of like politicians going "we will not t..aaar aar aaa"

Steve: I feel it's more a b-side, at the moment, but it's strong

Ricky: but that's without strings or anything

Steve: sure that just a basic demo (laughter) when you worked that out with a decent producer... ooh ooh, man a-live

Ricky: still coming we've got Radiohead, we've got

Steve: er, what are these fellows doing?

Ricky: erm there's a couple of..

Steve: just it's quite noisy

Ricky: yeah, there's a couple of fellows behind us, taking pictures. don't know why it takes two of them, I think one of them just got, you know, a couple of hours out the office. they're from the - what are you from? X-Mag? (off) X-Ray

Steve: X-Ray - what's X-Ray?

Karl: it's the Xfm magazine, Steve

Steve: Xfm what? Magazine?

Karl: Magazine

Steve: where where - is this available in shops?

Ricky: it's just a giveaway thing, to..

Karl: it's kind of giveaway, bit of information on bands, gigs coming up

Steve: right - how is it available?

Ricky: yeah, who gets it?

Karl: it's, it's in, er Top Magazines

Steve: you're really selling it Karl, you're obviously a fan of the magazine

Karl: it's alright

Ricky: yeah

Karl: it's...this seems now like you've said "let's pretend we don't know what it is, you sell it on air, make it sound really good"

Steve: I don't know what it is!

Karl: well, I'll show you later

Steve: hey, cool

Karl: and if people want a copy of it, they can go to the website, subscribe, and you get it for free

Ricky: that's alright..and (k you're going to be in it) what we're going to be in it?

Karl: centre pages

Ricky: I don't look my best, I don't dress for radio, you know

Steve: well, it's ok, cos I'm photogenic, I'll make up for whatever you

Ricky: I'll push you forward

Steve: Rick, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we have some tickets to give away. Is your favourite band, Marc E Smith's The Fall?

Ricky: it is, yeah

Steve: and is your favourite venue the Kentish Town forum?

Ricky: ohh I'd see anything there - I'd see The Fall anywhere, and I'd see anything there, so if you're telling me The Fall are there, we're not giving them away Steve - I'd like them for myself.

Steve: Rick, I'm just trying to remember if your favourite support act of late is "Schindler"?

Ricky: ahh...no I hate 'em, I'm not going - give them away

Steve: ok so the doors are at 7.30, doesn't say when it is.

Ricky: I'm only joking, Schindler, I'm only joking by the way Schindler, to the lads in Schindler, if they think I'm being a bit nasty.

Steve: it's 7.30, the tickets are 11.50 in advance, I'm assuming there's probably some still left, but we have some to give away - how many have we got to give away?

Karl: 3 pairs

Steve: 3 pairs is it ermm...talking of Schindler, you know the people who make lifts, or, I think, escalators as well (RG yeah), have you noticed, if you look (RG yeah) at the bottom of lifts, it always says "Schindler", it's always made by some organisation called Schindler...do you think it's the same Schindler, like from Schindler's list?

Ricky: so it's Shindler's lifts

Steve: (laughs) Shindler's lifts

Ricky: and it was passed down wrong - "no, I didn't make a list - I made lifts", (SM yeah, laughs) you're joking, Spielberg was going "I've made a whole film about them"

Steve: it was 3 hours, it was in black & white, for god's sake

Ricky: "where did you get the lift" - "there was no lift in it, I thought it was a list you made" - "no, I made lifts" "oh, I don't believe it"

Steve: anyway, next time you're in a lift, check that out, that is true, anyway, we've got 3 pairs of ticket for The Fall who are performing tonight, at the Kentish Town Forum, if you'd like to win them, here's a question for you - which Radio 1, rival station, which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, if you know you can get in touch on (RG is it Zoe Ball, is it Zoe ball?) (phone number)

Ricky: is it Chris Moyles? is it John Peel?

Steve: I don't want to give it away, but two words for you, Emma B

Song: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show Ad

Sombre Announcer: Xfm would like to apologise for material broadcast on November the 8th on the breakfast show with Christian O'Connell. The show featured the comedian and author Ben Elton. Xfm would like to point out that during live interviews we cannot realistically expect to control the language and content of our guest's material. However Christian would like to offer a full and frank apology for the fact that Mr. Elton appeared to have overdosed on the arsehole tablets that morning. Christian would like you to know that the dullard will never be on again. We really are sorry.

Polaroids

Ricky: we're just looking at the Polaroids, the tests that photographers do

Steve: I'm not at all happy

Ricky: no, do you know I kid myself, it does take mirrors and photographs, and I go "oh no, yeah, I forgot I look like that" - do you know what I mean? look at that - like a tree trunk

Steve: yeah - look at me Rick, there - that's always with me

Ricky: ohh - there was a bloke downstairs thought I was Johnny Vegas, he said I love those adverts with the monkey, and I didn't have the nerve to say "I'm not him". at one point he actually said, I like that one where he hits you, I went yeah, he went "are you doing anymore adverts", I said "yeah, a couple more" I just thought it's gone too far now, I can't say "I'm not Johnny Vegas"

Steve: sorry, I'm not really listening Rick, cos I want to say to you - can you get me more square on - square on I'm not so bad, it's from the side

Ricky: yeah, the side looks bad

Steve: alright, calm down Rick...Karl what do you make of that - pretty face?

Ricky: this isn't great radio

Steve: no it's no

Ricky: I know we never do great radio, but this is really

Steve: this is some of the worst we've done

Ricky: we were talking before about er Shindler's lifts, those people who just make one thing, and they're famous for that, now do you think the monopoly commission should investigate Armitage Shanks?

Steve: yes

Ricky: because I've never seen

Steve: never seen another sink or toilet made by anyone else

Ricky: no, did the, when did they take over this? can you hear that clicking?

Steve: would you just stop just for a second while we're just

Ricky: (laughter) he can't talk cos he's trying to make himself look so handsome

Steve: well exactly, I've got.. I'm striking poses

Ricky: he's straining to sort of look normal!

Steve: I've changed my mind, you remember that George Michael video where her doesn't appear, he just gets supermodels to play him, can we do that maybe instead? just get a leggy blond in.

Ricky: in our place, like 5 people instead of "this is Steve" "but he looks like 5 women" yeah, that is Steve

Steve: you were talking about Shanks

Ricky: yeah, Armitage

Steve: they've got it sown up

Ricky: they have haven't they? when did they..

Steve: I don't know who the Shanks people are, I don't think they make anything else though, I've never seen them make anything else other than lavatories, and sinks

Ricky: so who ..."we are going to make so many urinals, there's going to be too many urinals, no one's going to have a look-in, when anyone's having a slash they're just going to be thinking Armitage Shanks"

Steve: but presumably there's someone called Armitage Shanks who's got his name all over that. whenever you meet him, you're just thinking, "I've had a waz"

Ricky: ..on Armatige Shanks

Steve: we can say "waz", can't we?

Ricky: yeah, or piss, or slash

Steve: either of them's fine ohhh

Song: U2 - Walk On

Criticizing Steve

Ricky: see I like U2 again now, I liked them in the very early days, then I hated them for about 15 years, and then the last album, this, and beautiful day, I think "really good" - they've lost all their pomposity - don't you think?

Steve: I saw one of them saying that he thought this was the best album they've ever made

Ricky: I tell you what, I'm not going to argue with him, whoever it was, Steve

Steve: could well have been "The Edge", not sure, could have been Larry Mullen

Ricky: real name, David Evans

Steve: really - interesting, Rick, you may recall that some time ago we gave people the chance to win tickets to see The Fall performing live at Kentish Town Forum this evening

Ricky: supported by Schindler

Steve: Schindler, I know you're a big fan of them, and we have some winners..

Ricky: "I could have made more lifts"

Steve: the question I set was which Radio 1 personality used to be a member of The Fall, we did have some wrong answers, wrong answers included, Gary Davis

Ricky: oh imagine him in The Fall! oh that is brilliant

Steve: er Noel Edmonds

Ricky Laughs

Steve: and of course Ed "stewpot" Stewart

Ricky: oh, what's happened to Noel Edmonds? what's happened to lovely Noelly?

Steve: Noel is just utterly doomed now isn't he - no one will employ him now it seems

Ricky: well, we don't know that, that's probably libellous

Steve: how is that libellous?!

Ricky: he might be turning down stuff, and therefore might sort of be waiting for a big comeback with Noel's house party 2002 for all you know

Steve: oh no, you're right it is libellous, thanks for pointing that out Rick, in case there were any lawyers thinking "that's not libellous - no actually, good point". err so the winners are Mina, who's from Finland (laughs) apparently, according to these notes here

Ricky: hold on why's that funny?

Steve: how would she have called in from Finland?

Ricky: well no, when someone says where are you from, she might have been here for like a year, and well "Finland"

Steve: well, I've embarrassed myself at that Rick, thanks for tearing me apart, that was fascinating radio. Err.. Vinny's also won, he's from Surrey

Ricky: ohh - imagine coming from Surrey!

Steve: and Tom Prince from Camden, what a great name, Tom Prince, they're all the lucky winners

Ricky: I think we've lost it, no it was really good, the first few weeks, yeah, and even the first hour, but this last 20 minutes, I feel that I've bored myself (SM yeah) what's happened?

Steve: I think it's 'cos you keep picking me up on every single thing I say - it can't help, surely? and then if it's not you it's Karl having a go

Ricky: yeah but he's more going for your looks, I'm more working on your personality

Steve: right, sure

Ricky: but together..

Steve: so it's my fault now that the shows going downhill

Ricky: no but its like you know - we're like your mentors, you've got to be harsh - you're like Eliza Dolittle, and we've got lots of little stylists in , like they do with makeovers, or that Faking It. they get in like me and Karl, Karl's working on your looks, I'm doing your personality, we're going to get stylists in, and coaches, and then you have to do a date, and the woman has to, and there's 3 other blokes, and she has to work out what the freak amongst them is, and you've got to go no one voted for you as the freak

Steve: yeah, Rick, I've known you for 3 years, I don't think you're cut out for that job.

Song: Groove Armada – Super Stylin'

I Love The First Hour

Ricky: Groove Armada - Super Stylin, Xfm 104.9, it's nearly the end of the show Steve, I'm going to try harder next week, I mean, it started off well, and then, I didn't get bored, I just couldn't concentrate

Steve: I know what you mean, I mean, I thought I tried hard early on with the anecdotes, that embarrassed me, and which Karl just used as venom

Ricky: I had the funny bullshit t-shirt, and the you know

Steve: I had the woman walking around in my clumpy shoes

Ricky: I had washing with me

Steve: oh they were classic anecdotes, Rick

Ricky: I loved the 1st hour

Steve: I loved the 1st hour, there should definitely be a show on Saturday evenings, on Xfm, with Kate Thornton

Ricky: er Richard Blackwood

Steve: Blackwood would be good

Ricky: Moyles in, going "oh the 1st hour, they used to.." it would be great

Steve: that would be lovely

Ricky: oh amazing, and there's people taking our photographs, which I'm not happy with, to be honest, I'm going to have someone fired - I'm only joking- stop, I was only joking - oh I've offended someone, which I don't like to do, and then lifts

Steve: I'm worried because I didn't know that the photos were going to be taken, that we won't seem quite as hip and with the kids as we thought we would, on account of wearing these tuxedos.

Ricky: I'm telling you now that is ironic, we are down by law, this next track is Ice Cube, It Was a Good Day, it's my selection for the hip-hop track, as you know we want to spread the word of..

Steve: a lot of people don't seem to realise that hip-hop is music as well, and it's out there and it should be enjoyed by kids, and at the moment it's quite an eclectic thing, you know, it's very underground (RG yeah, yeah) trying to bring it into the mainstream

Ricky: yeah, and in this, you know, Cube says it was a good day, simple thing that he didn't use his AK, that's the sort of world he lives in, that's what he's trying to get across

Steve: and it talks to you about your life

Ricky: sure

Steve: yeah respect man

Song: Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day

Saturday Night Steve

Ricky: well, there you go, Ice Cube, it..

Steve: great song

Ricky: yeah, yeah, well you've got a great song coming up as well

Steve: I have indeed, it's the Song for the Ladies, Rick, we'll leave people with that, have you seen the film Magnolia?

Ricky: I have

Steve: it's one of the most underrated movies, it didn't get a single Oscar nomination. It's absolutely fantastic, breathtaking cinema (RG yeah it's fantastic), made by the guy that made Boogie Nights, absolutely fantastic, Tom Cruise is in it, loads of people, and the soundtrack is entirely written by Aimee Mann. now I don't know if she's normally the sort of person they play on Xfm, but she's a singer-songwriter of great skill, I think, and this is a song that features in one of the most breathtaking moments in the film

Ricky: it's amazing - it all brings it together - it won't come across obviously here, but nevertheless it's a great song

Steve: it is a good song, it's called "Wise Up", we'll be playing that in a second, but otherwise Rick, that's it isn't it?

Ricky: that is it, what will you be doing tonight Steve?

Steve: what will I be doing tonight, Rick, err, probably gonna be (laughing) ... staying in

Ricky: yeah, yeah - and doing what though?

Steve: ooh err... watching some telly.. oh oh yeah

Ricky: ooh that's not all if I know you - did I see a couple of cans of weak lager in your carrier bag

Steve: I did sneak 'em in yeah

Ricky: you're not going to drink them both tonight though are you?

Steve: what are you? my mother?

Ricky: ok chill out, do what you want. Will you be...sleeping alone again?

Steve: if I play my cards right.

Ricky: will you be having a little tug, just to get yourself off to sleep?

Steve: I'll probably have a couple a couple a tugs, if there's something saucy on channel 5 I will

Ricky: Xfm 104.9

Steve: here's Wise Up, Aimee Mann, enjoy

Song: Aimee Mann – Wise Up