08 December 2001/Transcript

Pilkie’s Makin Music

Ricky: Chinobi vs Dragon Ninja, that's what I like about sort of rock and roll, he just you know sings, tells a story about everyday things.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know about.

Steve: Chinobi vs Dragon Ninja.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is there any reference to Chinobi or the Dragon Ninja in the song?

Ricky: I wasn't listening.

Steve: I wasn't really paying attention but I'm assuming that some of that screaming was about Chinobi and the Dragon, I don't know who won, if anyone knows who won out of the Chinobi and the Dragon ninja.

Ricky: Or maybe it's, it's like a trilogy, maybe the sort of get together in one, the second single there's the fight.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Like the mid thing in the film.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: ’Cause I know about film structure ‘cause I do a film review.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah sure, sure.

Ricky: Err, and then the final one err is you know the outcome.

Steve: The two of them pairing up against maybe a a larger villian.

Ricky: Ooh.

Steve: A Godzilla type.

Ricky: That's interesting.

Steve: I don't know I mean who knows.

Ricky: Ok well they do Lost Prophets would, unless they haven't written it yet.

Steve: If they're listening. Are the Lost Prophets English, are they British? What's the deal?

Ricky: Pilks.

Steve: Who are the Prophets?

Ricky: Pilkie?

Karl: Erm, I, yeah I think they are yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: What? What was the answer? What was that? Are they English or American?

Karl: I'd say they were American.

Steve: Just having a guess?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Why didn't you say 'I don't know'?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Instead of trying to fool us? KP again trying to deceive us. KP, you were going to tell us, Pilkie, you were going to tell us, Pilchard, you were going tell us what.

Ricky: What tickets we're giving away.

Karl: You're laughing but it works for me you see, because when I was younger I had a mobile disco.

Steve: Brilliant so did I.

Karl: And erm, it was me, and me mate, Colin Makin. And, the disco's called Pilkie's Makin Music.

Ricky: That's brilliant. I mean I, genuinely brilliant. Pilkie's Makin Music.

Steve: Guess what, when I first started the mobile d-, disco, this was when I was about 14, we just we didn't really go out touring and we would just do it for like people's parties and stuff, and we were called the Rock and Roll DJs.

Ricky: No!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: We drew it on some er, on some see-through paper and put a light behind it, Rock and Roll DJs.

Ricky: My first disco, I had a two nights a week in this pub.

Steve: What, you ran a disco?

Ricky: Yeah, this pub near Kings Cross right, and err, it was just their records right. And erm, every, I had to play the number of songs every time, the same time of week. So all the locals, all drunk would dancing and everything. One of them was erm American Pie by Don McLean.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And they'd just sing along all the words sort of.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Drunk at.

Steve: It's about 7 minutes long I think.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, the other one was Baby Jane, by Rod Stewart.

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: If I didn't play that I'd get lynched. And what was the other one? There was another one that I always had to play, erm, aww it was a ballad, iIll have to remember that, but yeah every.

Steve: Karl, do you think, and maybe Ricky as well, do you think you know much about DJing for like for sort of the wedding parties, or maybe someone's 18th?

Karl: Aww yeah.

Steve: Oh really?

Karl: Mmm.

Steve: Ok let me just err offer a little test for you.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: Erm, alright, the buffet's been served right.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: People have done some speeches, like it's a wedding do.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Err, so you've already played some records early on, you've stopped for food.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've just played some light backing music in the background while the foods been served, you wanna get the party rockin' again, what do you kick off with?

Ricky: It depends, it depends, I've already got it down to 2 or 3 records.

Steve: Ok, I'd like to hear what they are.

Ricky: Well I've got it down to err, erm, Earth Wind and Fire.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That'd be great you know if there's you know, depending on err, or, you wanna go a bit more modern, I'd probably start of with sort of Will Smith.

Steve: Well careful Rick, you've gotta bear in mind, it is a wedding do, so there's people from age 8 to 80.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: You've got to cater for every market.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: Karl what about you?

Karl: See this was back in '88 so.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Dep-

Ricky: Kylie.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Can I tell you what the definitive track is?

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Oh What a Night, Frankie Valley and The Four Seasons. Do do do, people don't realise what it is exactly, straight away. Do Do do, baum daun ba daun, I can't actually play it, but err.

Ricky: If you had the record-.

Steve: "Oh what a night" click click click "Late December back in sixty" That leads you straight into a ‘70s medly, and everyone's lovin' that, I'm thinking Bee Gees, there's gonna probably be some kind of Abba track, Dancing Queen would go down a storm. What? You're turning your noses up I can tell you this that we got booking, endless people going "You're amazing I don't know how you do it".

Karl: I wouldn't have got up, I would've just sat there.

Steve: Well you might be because you're one of those grouchy, one of those kinda moody teenagers, "Oh I 'm not going to dance to this". I tell you the old ladies would've been up. The people with a bit of decent music taste would've been up.

Ricky: No the first person to get up, is a fat lady in a dress with bad ankles, and a little kid who's got problems and he's a little DJ.

Steve: The problem with you Rick is your not catering to the market, you're trying to be all sort of Bohemian, and kind of off, teach these people about music and stuff, there's no place for Kylie, not at a mobile disco, far too avant garde. Alright, kick it in, Grease megamix.

Ricky: Play erm, play a record.

Steve: Come on Eileen, have you got Come on Eilieen?

Ricky: What you gonna play?

Steve: Love Shack.

Karl: Coldplay.

Ricky: Excellent, Yellow.

Steve: Well you'd never play those.

Ricky: "The new single by Coldplay, it's Yellow "Ooh Yellow" that's Yellow by Coldplay.

K-Fest

Ricky: "That was the stunning new single from Coldplay, Yellow". All the way back to 1999, when was it? 2000?

Steve: I think it was, no 1999.

Ricky: Was it?

Steve: No, was it?

Karl: About that.

Steve: I didn't realise so many people were fans of the Lost Prophets, everyones been phoning in, e-mailing in, telling us they were from Cardiff.

Ricky: Yeah, Welsh band, now you were gonna tell us what tickets you've got Karl. What have we got to give away?

Karl: Tickets for...

Ricky: Now we kept this secret, we said now tell us on air so it's a big suprise, this is going to be, is this going to be really rubbish is it? Thi-, this, whatever these tickets are right, is a testament to how much they rate us here at Xfm, how much they rate our show and care about us, what tickets have we got to give away? A top show featuring Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and Pilkington, what tickets have we got to give away?

Karl: Tickets for K-fest.

Ricky: Right go on.

Steve: What's that?

Karl: It's like a, a rock thing that's going on tonight.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: If you're into the, that Welsh band.

Ricky: Name some of the bands, err, name some of the bands.

Karl: Err, Nile?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Right.

Karl: That's one of the bigger ones.

Ricky and Steve Laugh.}}

Karl: Erm, Mark Lanegan?

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Not Lanners?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Is Lanners playing? He's not really?

Karl Laughs

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Mark Lannegan really playing there?

Karl: I think so.

Ricky: God, who's that?

Karl: What?

Ricky: Who's that?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Who is Lannegan? Is he someone you went to school with?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Who is Mark Lannegan? Who else is on?

Ricky: Who is Mark Lannegan? Is he the promoter?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Who is he? Is he head security

Steve: Is this at a pub in Camden?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: You've got, got, Nile.

Steve: We're giving away tickets to the K-fest.

Ricky: Hold on, let's have a look, this is the NME, Mark, Mark Lannegan, Masters of Reality. Right ok, who else? We got Nile, got Mark Lannegan.

Steve: Nile?

Ricky: Who else?

Karl: I can't prounounce this one.

Ricky: Aww, let's have a look, that's good.

Karl: Bedlehem or something?

Steve: Bethlehem?

Ricky: Behemoth.

Steve: Behemoth.

Ricky: Behemoth is it?

Steve: Let me see, God no one can read, I expected it from a Northerner, but not from a university-educated man like you Gervias.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: Let me have a look, where are we then I can't even find it on the page. Here we are, here.

Ricky: Anyway.

Steve: Behemoth, yeah Behemoth open proceedings.

Ricky: Hold on but I just thought of summat, we're not really giving those away are we? Surely you're asking some sort of financial reward for them? Right ok, right, erm, is there a competition or summat?

Steve: Well let's just, South Carolina death metalers Nile.

Ricky: Ok, oh right Ok.

Steve: At the K-fest.

Ricky: We've got a pair of tickets to give away?

Karl: Yeep.

Ricky: Ok erm err if you wanna go to erm K-fest, it's at The Mean Fiddler, err, Charing Cross Road, and that's erm tonight is it?

Karl: Mhmm.

Ricky: Tickets would be £7.50 but we're giving them away for free, erm.

Steve: Why don't we say we'll give them away for a fiver?

Ricky: No.

Steve: That's still a saving.

Ricky: But I tell you what, can erm, if you can call in, what's the number? 0?

Karl: 08700 800 1234.

Ricky: Yeah, and the question, ‘cause they’re quite sort of sort after, there's big names in here like Nile and err, and erm that err wosisname?

Steve: Lannegan.

Ricky: Lannegan's on, erm, the question is, who wants to go?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: So if you can call in and answer that question, who wants to go to that, then you could be one of the lucky winners. Right. After this, some great chat and music.

Steve: Could you also explain who Mark Lannegan is.

Pissing In The Sink

Ricky: De La Soul, Watch Out. Well we're wrong, the lines went mental.

Steve: It's amazing isn't it?

Ricky: To get tickets. And they knew all about them, where they were from, what they were like, and err the tickets have gone I'm afraid.

Steve: Death metal's just something that's obviously passed me by, but it's obviously huge.

Ricky: It is huge, it's sort of huge without being in the public eye.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's probably the only real alternative out there now isn't it?

Steve: Yeah yeah.

Ricky: ’Cause everything else is sorta mainstream.

Steve: Even Hip-hop.

Ricky: Yeah.

A Magpie Called Maggie

26:00

Karl: And like, I was chasin’ a butterfly, and she said, she said um, Oh – d-don’t do that, Karl! And I said, Why? She said, ‘Cause, they only live a day. And I said, Oh, all right, I’ll get a dead one in the mornin’.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: That’s genius!

Ricky: That’s great! Quick thinking, innit? Ohh ..

Steve: Yeah! That’s sweet. Let’s play a song.

Ricky: Aww.

Song: Woo Tang Clan – Gravel Pit

A Couple of Speakers

Ricky: Woo Tang Clan and Gravel Pit. We love that, don’t we?

Steve: I love it , yup. Classic track.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Um, we’re talking about embarrassing stories and stuff, and I don’t know if I’ve told this on this radio before, have I told you Karl? I’m not sure. But this was when I was workin’ at the BBC, this is not even long ago, and I’d moved to London and I was fairly new in London, and I was workin’ at the BBC and I had this BBC hire car, and I’ve never t –- if there’s anyone listenin’ who works for the BBC, I don’t know if I can still get in trouble for it. But uh, this BBC hire car, and it was – I’d been ferrying kind of, actors and people, production people around all day in this car. And I was driving back, it was quite late, it was about sort of 7 or 8, and I was drivin’ back, and I pulled in to get some petrol, we had to fill up the car every day. And I went into this garage to fill up some petrol and I was there, and this blokes, two blokes came in a white van, right? They sort of pulled in the four court and I was fillin’ up the car. And they went, Ayyy. D’ya’ wanna buy a coupla speakers? And I said: Yes I do!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Because, I – I’ll tell you the reason .. it was like I was so flattered, that they thought that I’d be the kind of bloke who would A. need some kind of classy speakers,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And B., would like to buy them on the sly.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: D’ya’ know what I mean?

Steve: I thought, I like the fact that,

Ricky: They’ve seen me, they’ve seen I look a bit of a hustler,

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeah. I’m a bit of a street sort of guy,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You can see by the way I use my walk.

Steve: Exactly. So they - so I couldn’t believe my luck! So uh, they drove behind the garage, the little sort of garage bit at the back, and I went round there, sort of casually went round there, sort of locked the car and went round there. Um, ahahahey, Yeah, he opened the back and went two speakers in there. I said, Are you sure these aren’t knocked off, mate. He went, No, no, no. We work for Dixons – this is the story he spun me – We work for Dixons, right, and we’re delivery men, and if we make a delivery and the person’s not there to sign for the goods then we have to bring them back to the warehouse, but if we can sell them on the way back,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Then that’s really good for Dixons.

Ricky: That happens a lot. Yeah. Dixons must love that!

Steve: And instead of thinking,

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Are you sure some sort of troubleshooter didn’t – I mean, did someone go into Dixons and go, Yeah, You’re not gettin’ in the garage four court market,

Ricky: John Harvey Jones.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Get a coupla lads in a white van.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So anyway, so I sort of, bought this story, and it, and I was still a bit dubious, and I went, Right, let me hear them then. And he wired them up to the car stereo (Boom boom boom) and they was playin’ and stuff, it was some groovy hip-hop, I was thinkin’, Great! These guys know what I’m into!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he’s givin’ me the talk and stuff, and um, I said I’m a bit worried these are knocked off. He went, No, listen. I- we’ve got a bloke at Dixons who can confirm this is fine. Right? Phone him up – use my mobile – right? And quote this reference number, right? So I phone up, dee-dee-dee-dee-du – and I went, he goes, Yeah, I got, Hi, Some guys here in a garage four court, trying to sell me some speakers, just wanna check – He goes – It’s fine--- I went, Should I, should I just read the reference number, whatever, he went, If you want. I went, X14 – He went, Yeah, it’s fine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok. Well,

Ricky: You know who that was, don’t ya. That was actually Mr. Dixon himself.

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: Exactly! So I’m thinking, Well, you know, they sound great, they’re givin’ ‘em to me for a knocked-down price. Say they were like 400 quid, they were like 200 quid or summing, it was good bargain. I was in the market for some speakers as well,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, uh, while they were loading them in –

Ricky: It’s all kosher, I phoned Dixons.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly. I phoned Dixons,

Ricky: Yeahyeah, yeah.

Steve: That’s fine. Um, so while they’re loading them in the back of the BBC hire car, right, I’m in there payin’ for the petrol. Right? And the guy who’s servin’ me goes, Ehh .. I go Alright, he goes What were you doin’ round the back with those blokes? Right? ‘Cause obviously there’s a security cameras filming this whole transaction, right, and he goes What were you doing round the back? And I went, brilliantly, I went, They’re some old mates. Some of my mates. We’re just havin’ a chat and that. He went, Oh right. Ok. Like givin’ me obviously the evil eye. So I went round the back, so I’m in the car now and I’m drivin’ along with one of the blokes who’s in the van with me, because I didn’t have the money on me, so I had to go to the cash point to get the cash, right? So I’m drivin’ with him, and the other guy’s dr--- like followin’ me, like in the van, and he was like a Northerner, he was givin’ it all the Alright, yeahyeah, you know, I tell him, I said, You know, m’girlfriend’s a DJ, she’s got some of these speakers, they’re fantastic, and he’s givin’ me all this – dududududuh, he’s givin’ me this, and then my mind starts workin’. Now that I’ve got a bit of time, to think, I’m thinkin’, Wait a minute, this all sounds a bit dodgy,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It dawned on me, Rick.

Ricky: Y-y-you’re not a fool, are ya. You’re streetwise.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: You’re streetwise, Steve! Yeah.

Steve: Not only that, I was thinkin’, How’m I gonna get ‘em home? I’ve got to drop the car off at the BBC, how am I gonna get these huge speakers back to where I live?

Ricky: Yeah. And how can I pay for ‘em, ‘cause I’ve just spent 100 pounds on Find the Lady!

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: With a couple of blokes in Leicester Square. It seemed like a fair game! Some of his friends were winning!

Steve: But, so I explained to him, I said, How -- I can’t get ‘em back to like, Brixton where I was livin’ at the time, he went, Don’t worry. Give us an extra 20 quid, we’ll take ‘em home for you!

Ricky: Oh that’s good. Delivery.

Steve: Bizarre!

Ricky: Oh, yeahyeahyeah, they do a whole service, you see!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: And there’s also a back-up, guarantee, did they have the guarantee, the 3-month guarantee?

Steve: They didn’t.

Ricky: No. Ok.

Steve: But, so then, I said, I’m not sure about that. Well why don’t you put ‘em in a cab, send ‘em back, and your housemates can collect it. I said, Oh no, there’d be no one in. And I was gettin’ and I was beginning to sort of get a bit conscious, of like maybe this was a bit of a scab, after all, so I pulled in to like a little side-road and I said, I’m not sure I’m into this, actually, and he went, What you talkin’ ‘bout? It’s 200 quid for a pair of speakers, it’s a bargain, you won’t get a bargain like this man, I’m goin’, Not so sure, I don’t think I want ‘em. He went – 150 quid! 150 quid, mate. 150 quid. I went No. He said 100 quid, 100 quid now to you, and I’m thinkin’ Wait a minute, this doesn’t sound like the kind of work that Dixons would be doin’.

Ricky: Dixons don’t do that when I go in.

Karl: Is that –

Steve: Dixons never negotiate in that way.

Ricky: Wh-when I go have a lot around and then leave, they go, Where you goin’?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And (mumbles) Have anything, then! Have anything, for a quid.

Steve: So I stop the car and the white van pulled up behind me with his mates in.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: And I said, Can you get ‘em out, I’m not interested. And he went, Aw. 100 quid. 100 quid mate. And he was just goin’, You tosser, you obviously want some speakers, dududududuh, he was havin’ a go at me. So I was carryin’ the speakers out, and puttin’ ‘em back in the white van, and he was just shoutin’ at me, Dududuh, he was goin’ 70 quid! 70 quid! I said, 70 quid? From 200? This is ludicrous!

Ricky: You realized that wasn’t Dixons policy then.

Steve: Exactly! At that moment,

Ricky: They don’t usually shout You tosser! As you leave the,

Steve Laughs

Ricky: As you leave –

Steve: Right!

Ricky: As you leave the shop and walk down Camden high street, they’re not likely shoutin’ You tosser.

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: You shoulda took the offer of like the monthly payments they’ve got at the moment.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: So um, so I mentioned I put ‘em in there, and I sort of knocked the deal on the head, and I got back in my car, and uh, they got- they were in theirs, and I just looked in the rear view mirror and they were punching the dashboard, like with aggression and venom, like, We let that deal slip through our fingers, and I’ve never been so terrified in my life. I just sat there, and I was just thinkin’, Oh my God, all I was thinkin’ now is What if I go back to the BBC, and they go, We’ve had a call from the police! The man at the garage, he saw you doin’ the dodgy deal, with the car.

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: And I was so petrified!

Ricky: Well what you do is, you put the hire car in the drain in your front garden,

Steve Laughs

Ricky: And go in and out of the toilet, just pourin’ bleach down, or Ajax, and they’ll never know. This is Song for the Lovers.

Song: Neil Young – A Man Needs a Maid

Ricky’s Film Review

Ricky: Lovely song there, Song for the Lovers,

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Neil Young, Man Needs a Maid, off the Harvest album, what a beautiful song that is.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: Beautiful strings,

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: And everything. Well you’ve got a, Song for the Ladies comin’ up.

Steve: Song for the Ladies, later on as well.

Ricky: Well that, that, that has set, you know, the standard there.

Steve: Well absolutely, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, were you gonna, uh, do a film review as well later? Have you sorted -

Ricky: Well, I could do a film review now, it’s, it’s quite a big –

Steve: I thought you needed to prepare,

Ricky: No!

Steve: But if you’ve not,

Ricky: No, it’s quite a big film, and I’ve seen it (mumbles) and it is, uh, you know, it’s a great, it’s a great film.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: I hope I can do it justice. Just ‘cause it’s a very, Ok. This week –

Steve: What film is it gonna be?

Ricky: It’s gonna be Schindler’s List.

Steve: Ok. And are you gonna do a jingle for us?

Ricky: Uh – (sound affect) Ricky’s Film Review! (sound affect)

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: This is a film by Steven Spielberg,

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: And, it, ‘cause it’s in olden times, it’s all black and white and that, except a, a coat that’s red. I don’t know what happened there. Um, anyway, it’s about a, a bloke, who’s called Schindler, and, ‘cause there were so many people he wanted to save, he had to make a list. To get organised. And, uh, he tried to save as many as he could. Um … and, you know, they made him sort of, not make the bullets properly on purpose, ‘cause he, you know, uhhhh…. and, uh, in the end, they gave him a ring, um, it’s the same bloke who made ET.

Steve: Ok! Your review of Schindler’s List.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: And, as ever, a mark out of 10, please.

Ricky: Uh, 9. It was brilliant.

Steve: You really enjoyed it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok. Ok. Uh, did the fact that it was 3 hours long bother you?

Ricky: Uh, no. No.

Steve: No? Quite liked that. Ok.

Ricky: Watched some of it on fast-forward.

Steve: Ok. Ok. Um, Karl – have you seen Schindler’s List?

Karl: No – I’m surprised they managed to get all that in 3 hours!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Amazing, isn’t it. Would that encourage you to see the film?

Karl: Definitely.

Steve: Yeah. Ok. What would you give it, a mark out of, uh, 10?

Karl: 9!

Steve: You’d give it a 9 as well!

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Ok. I’ll tell ya, I –

Karl: That red coat affect thing you’ve got that, that’s what sold it.

Steve: You liked that.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Well that was just a mistake, apparently. Yeah.

Ricky: Apparently, yeah, just couldn’t get all the colour out of it.

Steve: As I said before, if you’ve got a film that you’d like to have reviewed by Ricky Gervais, then email us: [email protected]. And I’m sure he can, uh, work his magic.

Ricky: Or even the, or not just like, the people, but what about the ones who make the films? Like, you know, the ones who like actually make the film, what are they called? Hollywood.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: If they want me to do one for the comin’ out to sort of give it a little bit of a boost. You saw me give away the tickets, that was sellin’,

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So you know, we can sell your product, and we’ll make it sort of like it’s editorial, but really, if there’s a little bit of money involved, I can probably give it a 9 out of 10 instead of 4 or something!

Steve Laughs

Steve: Rick, would you do that without having seen the film?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: That’s fine, ‘cause I, so they wouldn’t need – they could just tell you what was coming up, and you could just review it?

Ricky: If they said, this, uh, Give us a good review, and here’s 20 quid,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they go, Aw, aw, give it, there’s no money in it, I’ll give it, probably give it a bad review, to be honest!

Steve: Well let’s just try that, Rick, can I just try that now,

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: ‘Cause I know that a lot of people listening won’t be necessarily convinced. Um, Lord of the Rings. There’s a, imagine I’ve paid to review the forthcoming film Lord of the Rings.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: What d’y’ make of it?

Ricky: This is a brilliant film,

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: And even though it’s all about wizards and that and there’s people in caves called Gonads. Um, with beards. Probably Robbie Coltrane’s in it, cuz he’s in the other one at the moment.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, and there’s, it’s all swords and stuff. And there’s some magic. Uh- but he’s actually uh the lord of the rings. It’s like- there’s just one of them, he’s the lord of it. And he’s, he’s excellent in it.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: So.

Steve: Alright. Mark it out of ten.

Ricky: Nine.

Steve: Again, very popular film for you. Karl? Let’s convinced by that one maybe.

Karl: That was- didn’t sound as good as the other one.

Steve: Yeah. No. What would you give it? Seven?

Karl: Mmmmm. Still give it nine.

Steve: You still give it a nine.

Ricky: Excellent. We’ll split it. We’ll split the money.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Good. Lovely.

Ricky: This is- this is the Eels.

Song: Eels - Fresh Feeling

Song: Muse - Feeling Good

That Was A Load Of Shit

Ricky: Sorry about that. That was a mistake. What a load of shit that was. It was too late to get it out of the CD player. That’s Muse and Feeling Good. What do you think about that?

Steve: Uh. I’m not a fan of Muse but I wasn’t quite as venomous in my hatred.

Ricky: Well I won’t play that again. Um-

Steve: No no right, let’s explain the situation in the studio. There’s a certain frosty air now because-

Ricky: What?

Steve: We ended up playing Muse.

Ricky: Yeah-

Steve: It was a mistake.

Karl: It’s not that bad!

Steve: Well. No it’s not. It’s not as bad as Ricky thinks it is. I’ll admit it’s not as bad as that. But I’m standing out of it, cuz I’m not a fan of Muse. I wouldn’t play Muse generally.

Karl: Wh-

Ricky: Well I don’t mind Muse generally, but I hate that.

Steve: You like Muse normally? I hate Muse.

Ricky: Well… I don’t hate them.

Karl: Says the man who bought the Lyte Funky Ones album.

Ricky: Well yeah. But I wouldn’t play them on Xfm.

Karl: I know! But Muse fits in. I mean your sayin’ you want to play Radiohead.

Ricky: Fits in … doing a … Simone. Why don’t we play Radiohead then? That’s what I was saying.

Karl: We’ll be playin’ Radiohead but Muse is like Radiohead. There’s not a big difference.

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: Anyway I’m not gonna argue.

Ricky: There is a big difference. Phone in if you- What’s the difference between Muse and Radiohead? What’s the phone number?

Karl: What do you mean what’s the difference?

Ricky: Wh- Well there they are, let’s have a competition. See if people can tell the difference between Muse and Radiohead. Give the number out.

Karl: Can’t be bothered.

Ricky: Nor can I.

Steve: So it’s left to me to keep the thing afloat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s never good news. Um… I went to see the White Stripes this week.

Ricky: Good.

Steve: It was interesting.

Ricky snorts

Steve: Anyone interested in that?

Karl: Go on, Steve.

Steve: White Strips. Absolutely amazing. I’ve heard all the hype. You know, I’ve not listened to the album. I went along to the gig, got free ticket. Wasn’t even a pound off, it was free. Ten pounds. I could have sold it outside the gig, I didn’t I went in. Right. Couldn’t take along a mate. Xfm wouldn’t let me. Went there on my own. You know, went in there. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting much. They were amazing. There were absolutely amazing. I have to say this now. For- They were the best band I’d I’ve seen that I didn’t know much about or whatever- like a new band. They were the best band I’d seen live since I’ve seen a little band, you might of heard of, called Oasis- Five pounds at Coventry Polly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well that’s a long name for a band.

Steve: Haha. And um, it was amazing- it was a brilliant, cuz it’s just the two of them. The girl on the drums, the guy playing the guitar. He’s got a real kind of rock guitar skill that he really plays it up and down the, um the long neck bit. I mean I know all about music and that, the terminology.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: He was amazing. Sometime he kinda plays with a steel, a steel pedal thing. On his- not steel pedal- the finger thing. The kind of thimble thing that some guitarists wear. I believe it’s called a guitar thimble.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I believe is the name for it. And he plays that- old bluesmen would play sometimes.

Ricky: Old bluesmen!?

Steve: He’s got a little electric keyboard thing or piano as I believe some people call it.

Ricky: See this isn’t a review, this is listing the instruments.

Steve: Alright alright! There’s not many to get through, Rick. There’s a piano and a guitar.

Ricky: What kind of microphones were they?

Steve: I’m glad you asked.

Ricky: Were they 758s?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Anyway, the point is this.

Ricky: Go on!

Steve: With just those few simple instruments they had a huge sound, a big, rocky sound.

Ricky: Yea.

Steve: Quality kind of bluesy punk with a little bit of edge to it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was amazing. I was a huge fan.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: So I thought we could play a little White Stripes-

Ricky: We could.

Steve: -to commemorate that excellent gig.

Ricky: I saw a band once, right? There was a drummer, had all the drums. Big one at the bottom. Two of those ded-da-dum ones. Cymbals.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: They were all micced up with different microphones coming down the loudyspeaks.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I was at the back. It was still “Wow I can hear everything!” an that. Electrical, really. And a guitar. And a bass.

Steve: Can I do a gig review, like every week? Like your film review.

Ricky: No! No you can’t yeah. Well you just did.

Steve: I- I am as well informed about music as you are about films.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Who- anyway- tell me- who- how do you choose the playlist?

Ricky is cut off abruptly

Song: Feeder - Just A Day

Where's Your Head At?

Ricky: Feeder. Just Another Day. Cuz we’re running out of time.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Cuz of that Muse shit we had to play. Um I think I’ll say that’s my feature “That Playstation Game Sounds Good”.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Cuz that’s the main- the uh- the music of the Playstation II game Grand Turismo.

Steve: Haha right.

Ricky: So I can incorporate that.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah. And I’ve still got to get in uh Song for the- You’ve got to get in Song for the Ladies at the end.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Got anything else lined up?

Steve: Well I just- I mean- it’s just- I never um seen you spiral into such despair after hearing Muse. I mean, fair enough they’re not a great band.

Ricky: Well obviously we have to, you know, there’s a bit of a playlist we have to keep to. And we drop the records we don’t like and play the ones we do.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And that’s fine. And if I don’t care for a track, I don’t mention- I usually don’t slag off bands and I know we have to keep to a play list. I don’t know how they’re chosen or anything. But, you know, it’s one thing I didn’t want to play its Feeling Good.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it was already lined up and there was no time so I was genuinely annoyed. Cuz I don’t mind playing stuff I wouldn’t actually choose myself that’s alright, but you know, it- it- you know we’re not completely free played all the time. So the worst thing is I don’t ever want to play Feeling Good again. I don’t ever want to play Kosheen again. They’re banned.

Steve: …Kosheen is.

Ricky: I’m thinking about putting a ban on Gorillaz. What? Anything you’d like to ban?

Steve: Basement Jaxx.

Ricky: Basement J- Oh Where’s Your Head At. We dropped that. We dropped that on purpose.

Steve: Where’s your head at?

Ricky: What else have we dropped today? Let’s- what have we saved people from? Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Like playing five songs over and over again just cuz some record company wants it to be played. I mean- you know- If I’m gonna play things I hate, pay me. You know what I mean? I’m willing to take bribes.

Steve: Heh.

Ricky: Look I’ve been sent some chocolates here by the lads out of um- er- Carter USM. Alright?

Steve: Are they still going?

Ricky: Yeah they got a gig at the Who’s the Daddy Now tour. Alright? They’re playing the Estoria December the fou- um December the 14th.

Steve: It’s worth going along just to see how few people will be there.

Ricky: Well see, I wouldn’t play it, but they’ve sent me chocolates. So there’s you know, there’s a plug. You know. Bribe me, not Xfm.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Alright? Let’s get something out of this Steve.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Yeah… I’m not sure- I’m not sure- I’d not sink so low as to be bribed by Carter.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I mean I’m the man who tried to buy dodgy speakers on the street.

Ricky: Steve, it’s a Father Christmas with some jelly beans!

Steve: That’s- who’s that from?

Ricky: That’s from the lads- well the- it’s Who’s the Daddy Now tour.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And I’ve got some um chocolate money.

Steve: Right. Lovely.

Ricky: Some of it French.

Steve: Any- got anything there from the Senseless Things?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Or the Wonder Stuff?

Ricky: No, but you know, we don’t know what they’re doing now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Carter was alright at the time.

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: Carter’s alright.

Steve: Carter.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Did you like Carter?

Steve: Not really, no. It was nonsense.

Ricky: Well I didn’t like them singing about dagon all the time or whatever it was.

Steve: No.

Ricky: What was it?

Ricky and Steve: New Cross

Ricky: Yeah. But you know some lyrics, some puns.

Steve: Good. Anything else you want to get off your chest?

Ricky: Uh no let’s-

Steve: What do you think about the war in Palestine?

Ricky: -let’s play some songs we like. What have you got lined up?

Steve: I got a Song for the Ladies that’s coming up.

Ricky: Oh, lovely. ‘Ere, let’s choose a song here. Let’s have a look.

Karl: You’ll like this one here. Ricky.

Ricky: Oh Radiohead. Just. Brilliant.

Steve: Is this Muse?

Ricky chortles

Song: Radiohead – Just

Kiss And Touch Karl

Ricky: Radiohead and Just. Off The Bends. Now that’s a good track.

Steve: It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions, this show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: When we started off there was some light-hearted anecdotes about you and animals.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It ended up with you sort of spiraling into, uh, despair.

Ricky: Well, you know. That’s- that’s- that’s what a track by Muse can do to a man.

Steve: Yeah, well, clearly.

Ricky: You know. Did I overreact?

Steve: There maybe- well maybe that’s what- that’s what makes them good. I mean if music can, you know, create those passions in someone, maybe that’s effective. I don’t-

Ricky: Well you’ve made me think again. I love Muse.

Steve: Well it’s sort of- it’s the punk approach I suppose.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway. Karl, thanks as ever for pressing the buttons and contributing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ‘lright mate.

Steve: Um, good job good job. Shame about the Muse thing.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: … he wouldn’t be known for his movin’ next week.

Steve: Haha.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I think you guys should kiss and make up, maybe naked.

Ricky: Oh- that’s not Karl’s fault.

Steve: Go and kiss him.

Ricky: No, I’m not gonna kiss him.

Steve: Go and touch him.

Ricky: I wanna kiss him and touch him.

Steve: Should we both go and touch him.

Ricky: Yes.

Steve: Why don’t we play a Song for the Ladies. This week Drugstore, White- uh- White Magic for Lovers. Beautiful track. And let’s just go and kiss and touch Karl.

Sounds of movement

Steve: No no. Take the jumper off.

Song: Drugstore - White Magic For Lovers