20 April 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 20 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show

One Day I Hope To Sleep With A Lady

Ricky: See? Strokes - Someday. Now that was a better--a better choice, wunnit, to start off with? Um, oh hello, uh.. ladies and gentlemen.. Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. Steve.. Mitchell.

Steve: Now, come on, lets get my name right from now. Tha-that novelty has worn off.

Steve: What is it? Is it--?

Steve: Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Oh yeah.. they the..

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's the wrong one, innit--Mitchell?

Steve: The Guardian got it wrong. It's Steve Merchant.

Ricky: The more I say Mitchell the more people will think it might--

Steve: Exactly. It might be Mitchell.

Ricky: Oh God... Sorry Dave.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um, but Karl wanted to start off with the Stereophonics.

Steve: Ahhh... Loser.

Ricky: 'Cuz it was "a newer track." And Karl now, we've made him what he is. He was nothing when we found him

Steve: Nobody. He was like work experience

Ricky: And now he's going, "Oh, we should start off with the Stereophonics" and I'm going, "Karl"--

Steve: Trying to tell you what to do, Rick.

Ricky: --"if I want anyones opinion... I don't."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Basically.

Steve: Well, you'd probably come to me I'd imagine.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Befo--

Steve: I'd be the first person.

Ricky: Before Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd consult you, Steve

Steve: Thank you.

Ricky: So, just keep it... just 'cuz he was in, what was it, Pilkie's Makin Music?

Steve: Yeah, his mobile disco outfit.

Ricky and Steve: Pilkie's Makin Music

Ricky: I'll bet you never pleased a crowd once.

Karl: I did. Loads of times.

Ricky: Go on then. What'd you play? What's the biggest gig you ever played?

Karl: I did, uh... like a social club.. gig.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it wasn't just about the music, either.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I used to--

Steve: What else could it be about?

Karl: I used to take prizes... and cigars, and stuff.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: In a youth club?

Karl: To give away.

Ricky: I just love these like fourteen-year-old Mancs hangin' out, goin', "Let's go down there, he might have some fags and cigars for us."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it was whatever, like... was on me mom and dad's dressing table.

Ricky: That could have been embarrassing.

Steve laughs

Steve: That could have been deeply embarrassing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Owhh.. Yeah. You've won...

Steve: And third prize: some handcuffs...

Ricky: And a black mamba.

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: I'm not saying... that... at any point in your upbringing, your parents left around any kind of... marital aid on the dressing table. Don't think I'm saying that, Karl. I'm not suggesting--Look he doesn't like this, does he?

Steve: No--we--no. I can understand why.

Ricky: Oh yeah. 'Cuz it's about his...

Steve: It's about his parents having sex.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, they must've!

Steve: Yeah, at once.. at least--

Ricky: At least three times.

Karl: I think I was an accident.

Ricky and Steve: (unintelligible)

Ricky: I think--I think it's been ongoing.

Karl: Just because me brother and sister are quite older than me.

Ricky: Yeah, me too. I was an accident, I know that, yeah. How olds your, uh, brother and sister?

Karl: Uhhmmm.. I think me sister's about... thirty-nine.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And me brother's about... thirty-seven

Ricky: Okay, and your... twenty-nine

Karl: I'm like.. twenty-nine

Ricky: Right, so, yeah. My next one's eleven years older than me.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: I was definitely a--

Steve: Do you want to have a hug, you two? Or...

Ricky: Yeah... Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You dealing with it now? You got over it?

Ricky: Well, would you like to see us have a hug? Ooh.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Oh. You had a mobile disco as well, didn't you?

Steve: You're havin' a laugh aren't you. I was--every single gig I did... dynamite. People loved it. It was stormin'.

Ricky: Wha--what was it called?

Steve: I ran it from about the age of fourteen to... eighteen?

Ricky: What was it called? Was it called anythi--

Steve: The name of our mobile disco?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It had two names in its lifetime.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It started its life as... bear with it--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "The Rock and Roll DJs"

Ricky: Oh my god... "The Rock and Roll DJ"... that's the worst...

Steve laughs

Ricky: I mean that's the worst.

Steve: Yeah. That's the most appalling. But then, it became pretty bad after that... when it became... "The Fantasy Island Roadshow"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why?

Steve: I don't know.

Ricky: 'Cuz everyone up to you looked like Tattoo?

Steve: Partly that. And I--'cuz I liked the program Fantasy Island.

Ricky: Why did you like the program Fantasy Island?

Steve: Well, it was about love, on an island.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It wasn't. It was about a midget on an island.

Steve: No. The midget was a minor character. It was about people going on an island to find love and romance.

Ricky: He was a minor chara--

Steve: You obviously switched off once the midget had gone off and said, "There's the plane."

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's that then. Your parents went, "That's over then."; "It's only five minutes long?"; "Yeah, well it's..."

Ricky: Let's watch that fantasy midget.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What happened then? Cuz didn't they aah--they, um, acted out their fantasies on an island, eh?

Steve: Well people would pay to go to the island, um...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To live out their own romantic fantasies and invariably that was (unintelligable).

Ricky: It was always roman--it was always about... getting off with people?

Steve: Yeah, it was a kind of love island. Yeah.

Ricky: Was it?

Steve: Well, no not always. Sometimes they might be uh...

Ricky: Maybe I didn't watch a whole one. Maybe I did just see him like... smackin' little Tattoo around the head.

Steve: I think you did, mhmph. I think you just saw the trailer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Aw. Oh, really?

Steve: But, um...

Ricky: So what did they sort of go? "I've always wanted to have... someone in..."

Steve: Well, no. It might be something like, you know, "I've always wanted to, uh, to sort of, to live out, uh, being a gunslinger in a wild west frontier town," you know, so you might kind of... create that fantasy.

Ricky: So what's that got to do with love--?

Steve: Well, invariably he'd find love, or he'd sort out some emotional problem he had. It was much more a spiritual and emotional journey than it was about little midgets runnin' around.

Ricky: So basic--but was it, like, um, "Oh. I'd like to be a cowboy and I'd like to have been one with a shag."

Steve laughs

Ricky: "Oh, and while I'm there..."

Steve: Yeah, it was like Jim'll Fix It. Like those letters you wrote to Jim'll Fix It.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "I'd like to meet Five Star and if something happens, so be it."

Ricky continues laughing

Ricky: Well...

Steve: No, I have to just say once though--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: This is about my, this is my DJing credentials. I was once playing, uh... music at a scout jamboree.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: When I was about seventeen, sixteen, seventeen.

Ricky: Big gig, though.

Steve: Big gig. There was a thousand scouts there.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Right, and I'll tell you this, we were playin' our stuff. They were lovin' it. They were dancing, it was in a big marquee, right?

Ricky: Right..

Steve: I slapped on Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Ricky: Yeah..

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They went mad..

Steve: They went mad for it. They were moshing, they were climbing up the poles. The organizers were going, "Switch that off! Switch that off!" Right? They're going crazy, and I was there going, "No! That's what they like. I'm going to do it." And--

Ricky: It was like Foot Loose!

Steve: It was unbelievable, it was just like Foot Loose. Then I came in with Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of; the place went wild.

Ricky: Wh.. Yeah.

Steve: And they were trying to get me off the decks. It was like Bill... it was like Bill Grundey interviewing the Sex Pistols.

Ricky: And then when... when the head andevribud had you killed...

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Right, by some mafia thing, it was all hushed up. Then the scouts went there one night with all candles and sat by your grave and the... and that was the end of the film. It was a film, I assume?

Steve: No, this genuinely happened!

Ricky: I assume this didn't really happen.

Steve: Yes it did, I swear to God I was playing Smells Like Teen Spirit and it went wild and the organizers were going, "Swith that off! They're going crazy," and I was going, "No! It's what they want."

Ricky: Can I say summat?

Steve: It was brilliant.

Ricky: That, to me.. I've known you about four years and I've heard all these things--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That must be the highlight of your life.

Steve: Unbelievably so, yeah.

Ricky: It's--you've never had anything that good--

Steve: No.

Ricky: --or exciting since, have you?

Steve: One day I hope to sleep with a lady...

Ricky: Ricky laughs

Steve: ...and hopefully that'll--it will slide into second place.

Song: The Clash - Rock The Casbah

Incomplete Transcript: Time: 5:41