14 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 14 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

It’s All Going Well Already

Song: The Darkness - Growing on Me

Steve and Ricky laughing hysterically

Ricky: (laughing) The Darkness – Growing on Me, on XFM 104.9. Oh, it’s all going well already, innit?

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Microphones fell apart, Karl’s shoutin’ ‘cos he’s got headphones on--

Steve: (laughing) His music’s turned up too loud in his headphones--

Ricky: At Camfield level, God, he’s got pre-amps, look at him giggling, he’s, look at him, look at him laughing, that’s so funny ‘cos I’ve got a letter here, eh, from, eh, from, who is it from? Em, Mike Heel, who sent me a little picture of a little Japanese fella from a film who he said looks like me – and he does a little bit – em, but he says “Please can you make Karl laugh, I’ve never heard him utter as much as a snigger and I’m worried he may have a genetic disorder. Well, (laughing) I mean he has got a genetic disorder--

Steve: Yeah--

Ricky: -- obviously, but, em, he was giggle then. I hope, eh, I hope people heard ya then. Look at his little face--

Steve: It was a joy--

Ricky: -- I love the things that make him happy

Steve: But I love the fact that just before the, eh, microphone came up and just before the record finished he had his headphones on, the music was too loud and he was just shouting “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING!”

Ricky laughs.

Steve: “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING. WE’LL HAVE TO PLAY SOMETHING ELSE”.

Ricky: (laughing) I went and found Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus and said “Why isn’t it working?” (in a high pitched voice, laughing) Look at him giggling, look, he’s lost it. Is it ‘cos you’re going away? Are you on drugs, Karl? What have you done—he’s, he’s tickled, look at his little roun--he looks like one of those shaved monkeys. Look at his little--

Steve: Yeah--

Ricky: Oh my God, I’ve never seen a forehead glow--

Steve: I know, it’s extraordinary--

Ricky: Ohhhh--

Steve: And he’s got that red shirt on as well, so the whole thing is just a big glowing--

Ricky: Karl, what are you trying? What are you putting in--

Karl: Well, I’m just, eh, I’m gonna see if I can get this to work--

Ricky: Go on, then--

Karl: Hang on--

Ricky: Brilliant radio. I hope Doctor Fox is listening because I think he’s eating his words right now, Steve--

Steve laughs.

Karl: Right, I think I’ve done it--

Ricky: Well done. That’s excellent.

Karl: Right, what, what, what are we doin--

Ricky: Let’s play Bauhaus now and try and compose ourselves. This is Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus.

Song: Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust

Well, eh, There's A Monkey World Down There...

Ricky: Well that worked, that worked, didn’t it? So, panic over, calmed Karl now, calm now. You’re on holidays soon, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: You’ve gotta go off early?

Karl: Well, about, eh, about--

Ricky: How many holidays have you had? Because I only ever have time off when I’m working, like, doing another job, like, you know, filming or something, but you seem to have a lot of holidays, just like, and you were sick as well, you was just like, and you were sick as well, ‘cos you had wet trousers, which is a little bit, do you not care about the job? I mean, I’ve got to ask, because, you know what I mean, if I was in charge, I’d worry about your motivation, or—because we were, yesterday, we were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to, eh, Manchester United and moaning. And that is, that is the two we came up with--

Karl: I don’t know where you get the moaning thing from

Steve: You’re always whingeing.

Karl: About what?

Steve: Everything.

Karl: When? When did I last have a moan?

Steve: Eh, just before we came on air.

Karl: Right. And why was that?

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Eh, I don’t know. I can’t remember. ‘Cos we were in a good mood. We were in a good mood, me and Rick.

Karl: I’ll tell you why.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Because you brought a song in at ten to one, with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And saying “can you edit this?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah

Steve: But that’s your job.

Karl: You could have brought it in yesterday

Steve: No I couldn’t.

Karl: Why not?

Steve: I hadn’t thought of it.

Karl: Hmmmm

Ricky laughs.

Steve: But why, but why, but why are you whingeing? That’s your job. And I didn’t come in ten minutes before, it was a good twenty minutes before. It just took you ages ‘cos you were whingeing and moaning.

Karl: Hmmmm

Steve: So you didn’t even get started.

Karl: I’m not being dragged into this

Steve: You are always--

Karl: I’m on me holiday now--

Steve: Well, not yet, no you’re not on yet, you’re still working.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Well, this, that’s what’s funny, this isn’t even work, right, and yet it should be. Compared to what I do in the week, this is a doddle--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Well, That’s because you’re not putting any effort in, clearly. Where you going anyway, where you heading?

Karl: Cornwall.

Steve: What’s happening down there?

Karl: Eh, well there’s a monkey world.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: (laughing) You’re excited about that!?

Karl: We’ll do that. Go and see that. Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah

Karl: Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: How long you going for? The whole week?

Karl: Yeah. So eh--

Ricky: This is with your parents, isn’t it?

Karl: Yeah. Taking them out. Taking them out.

Steve: Your father, what do you think your father will be up to? What’s he going to be nicking on this holiday

Karl: Well he’s--

Ricky: Tin. There’s a lot of tin in Cornwall, because they’ve shut the mines

Karl: Well he’s just called Suzanne and said they’ve got there, said it’s a nice little place. Eh--

Steve: There’ll be no towels, when you get there.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Or light bulbs.

Ricky: So what are you going to do? Just chill out and go to the pub and stuff?

Karl: Yeah, like I say, I mean, all I’ve got planned is probably the, eh, probably the Tuesday and Thursday at Monkey World-

Steve and Ricky laugh

Ricky: Wha’ wha’ wha’ Wednesday, what ya thinking about Wednesday? Just wandering around?

Karl: Just sort of think about, you know-

Ricky: King Arthur, and that. He was down there, wasn’t he?

Karl: I don’t know, but I’ll tell you something

Ricky: Where you going? What town?

Karl: I don’t know, I don’t know where it is. Suzanne’s sorted it out.

Ricky: Yeah, she’s sorted it out. I heard him on the phone to her saying “Well pack ‘em. Pack tow pairs.” Poor woman. She’s packing your bags for ya.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right. You’d have spent more time at home if Steve hadn’t come in at ten to, with a rap record with, like obscenities all over it.

Karl: Yeah well, we’ll play that next week.

Steve: Well you didn’t even get the job done, that’s the thing. We can’t even play it because you didn’t get finished in time. ‘Cos you were whingeing

Ricky sniggers.

Ricky: I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. That Method Man, if he doesn’t stop ‘effin’ in and jeffin’ it’s the end of his career in my opinion

Steve and Ricky snigger

Ricky: All of this ‘eff that and, eh, yo jeff, I’m a jeff myself. Or I’m hanging out with my jeffs. It’s terrible

Steve: Yeah. Jeff you!

Ricky: And we know you can’t put out the J word on XFM

Steve: Yeah. Motherjeffer!

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: So we haven’t got that, but what we have got--

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Monkey News--

Ricky: We’ve still got Monkey News, have we?

Karl: That’s sorted out. That’s coming up. Rockbusters.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, last chance. Definitely your last chance this time. You actually improved a little bit last week, you did a couple of good ones.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Same again this week. And eh--

Steve: Cheeky Freak?

Ricky: The controversial Cheeky Freak of the Week. Where Karl, um, finds, um, um, a human being with, um, some sort of congenital, or eh, um, imposed deformity. So, eh, we talk about that in a wry way. Do you think that’s bit and clever?

Karl: No. But that’s, that’s just it. It’s never about taking the mickey out of someone, right, it’s about, it’s to make you think--

Ricky: I’ll tell you what isn’t big and clever--

Karl: How lucky you are--

Ricky: A dwarf with learning difficulties--

Steve: Nice!

Karl: Yeah, yeah, well--

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: We’ll explain it to you.

Song: British Sea Power - Carrion