31 May 1998/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 May 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0

It's Ten Past Four

Song: The Jesus and Mary Chain - Black

Ricky: Jesus and Mary Chain, The Black. On Xfm 104.9. It's 10 past 4, after the break, Oasis.

ADS PLAYED

Singing The Praises Of Penk

Ricky: Oasis, Married With Children.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Xfm, 104.9

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: It's the Ricky Gervais Show. Who am I Steve?

Steve: Gervais, you are Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You are Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: (In a squeaky voice) Lucky You, yes, it's me, Ricky Gervais!

Steve: Gervais, weren't you out uh, signing autographs in the week?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is this true?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is this true what I've heard?

Ricky: A couple, yeah.

Steve: What's the story? Tell me.

Ricky: Well, we did this road show from uh, the Doc Martens store..

Steve: "Road show"?

Ricky: (laughing) W-yeah. Yeah.

Steve: (laughing) Was it that impressive?

Ricky: Yes, it was me Crowley and Pitts with like a CD player.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And some boots,

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Surrounding us... no, it was good fun.

Steve: And uh, You played some records...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And people were coming up, weren't they, and asking for your...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Asking for your autograph?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: (In one of his voices) Well, you know uhhh... I'm a bit of a celebrity Steve I'll be honest.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: If you were really rich,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Uhh.. what would you spend your money on?

Ricky: You know what I'd spend my money on.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Just more foood and drink then I do now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Maybe a few extras holidays.

Steve: How many people- how many people asked for autographs?

Ricky: Oh, I dunno... thir-

Steve: 30, 40?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: What about Crowley? Did a- did anyone ask uh, Crowley for an autograph?

Ricky: No. They kept asking him if they got this in a size seven.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: He's getting really... Honestly (giggling)

Steve: He does look a bit like a sort of spotty shop assistant.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: That you'd find, you know um... "I'll just go and check with with Maureen.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "um... meantime, here's Idlewild".

Ricky: I've got a joke.

Steve: Have you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: We'e allowed to tell one joke, aren't we, a show?

Steve: One Joke. Cos I don't want like, you know, Steve Penk or you know...

Ricky: No, no it's terrible. No, nothing wrong with Steve Penk.

Steve: I love Penk.

Ricky: Penk's good.

Steve: I'm a big fan of Penk.

Ricky: No, he's great.

Steve: Don't get me started on Penk. If I start singing the praises of Penk, (Ricky joins in) we'll be here all night.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: But the point is, you know. You've got your gag. Let's hear it.

Ricky: Right. A little boy, yeah. He's only five years old. He's lost, in a busy highstreet. And he's crying his eyes out. Well you would, he's lost his mummy.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And he's going "I've lost my mummy..." and the policeman comes up, and uh, goes "Alright, what's the matter?" and he goes, "I've lost my mummy." Policeman says "Alright, don't worry, we'll find her. What's she like?" Little kid says, "Cock and bingo mainly."

Song: The Soundtrack of Our Lives - Instant Repeater 99

Why Should I Stay?

Ricky: Instant Repeater 99, Soundtrack of our Lives on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Gervais, can I just give the listeners one very good reason why they should stay tuned. There are prizes up for grabs very soon, another one of your fantastic movie quizzes,

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Is on the way Gervais.

Ricky: Give me one reason why I should stay though.

Steve: Heh, uhhh

Ricky: After the break, Blur.

ADS ARE PLAYED. INCLUDING 2 FAKE ADVERTS , 1 BEING FOR BLOOD, SWEAT AND CUM BY BRAINMANGLE AND THE OTHER FOR FUCK LIKE A RHINO BY VELVET NAZI 666 UK. (BOTH SUNG BY RICKY)

Song: Blur - Tracy Jacks

Is Ricky Gervais A Very Good DJ?

Ricky: Blur. And Tracy Jacks Xfm 104.9, I really am a very good DJ.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, yeah, maybe, uh 01715802000. D'you agree with that statement? Is Ricky Gervais a very good DJ?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Gervais, looking at the cover of the News of the World today,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: I'm shocked. I mean we all know, I mean how are you coping?

Ricky: Um, I'm,

Steve: How are you getting through the days?

Ricky: I'm in shock. I'm- I'm sort of pretending it hasn't happened, I'm playing a lot of the old records.

Steve: I know, I know, exactly that. Yeah uh... The Spice Girls are on the brink of splitting up,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Geri Halliwell has left the band, uh, rumour has it. But, even more worryingly, alright, uh apparently, the reason Geri left was that she was bullied out of the group by Scary Spice. Apparently Scary Spice, Mel B, is absolutely vicious. Lots of you know, lots of remarks about Geri...

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: Always sniping and going at her and uh,

Ricky: Well this must be

Steve: Gerri's left.

Ricky: Particularily close to your heart cos you were bullied at school by a popstar weren't you?

Steve: I was indeed.

Ricky: Who was that?

Steve: Lionel Richie.

Ricky: (laughing) Really?

Steve: Yeah. It was a nightmare. The thing was, uh, Lionel had just left The Commodores,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he had a lot of pent up nervous energy, d'ya know? Which he just used to take out on me by-

Ricky: Take it out on you.

Steve: By pummeling me in the face.

Ricky: Because you, looked gimp.

Steve: Yeah. It was just annoying really.

Ricky: What year was this?

Steve: That was... must've been, ooh... '82?

Ricky: Well it must of- must of worked cuz he was about to have like, um, big hit with Dancing on the Ceiling.

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: He would- hold on. He would've been flying high before that with Hello.

Steve: Well exactly that you see. The thing was, um, you know. He'd had a string of top ten hits,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I was about 14.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I didn't have, the chart credibility...

Ricky: No.

Steve: With which to fight back.

Ricky: To fight back.

Steve: D'you know what I mean? I mean often he would just be throwin' my satchell in the tree you know, uh, and singing "Hello. Is it (Ricky joins in) me your looking for?"

Ricky: What chance did you have against that?

Steve: How could I cope with that? You know. he's got a great singing voice. I haven't got soul.

Ricky: That is terrible.

Steve: You know what was I gonna say??

Ricky: That is terrible.

Steve: Umm. But you had a similar problem, didn't you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Were you not bullied by a band?

Ricky: That was before- I'm older than you. This was about 20 years ago when I was a kid at school.

Steve: Really.

Ricky: And uh, I was bullied by a whole band.

Steve: You were bullied by a whole band?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Hanson.

Steve: ...Well, they're bastards.

Ricky giggles

RICKY'S GINGER HELPLINE IS PLAYED

Song: House of Pain - Jump Around

After The Advert There'll Be Another Break

Ricky: I'm not gonna lie to ya, that was House of Pain and Jump Around.

Steve: Don't lie to me.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Don't ever lie to me Gervais!

Ricky: No, that is House of Pain Jump Around. We were jumpin' around.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: We've got no shame

Steve: No.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, it's 20 to 5...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'll be honest. After the ad break there'll be another record.

Steve: Is there gonna be another ad-

Ricky: Definitely.

Steve: There's gonna be an ad break...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You're not lying to me?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Really, aw!

ADVERTS ARE PLAYED WHICH INCLUDES THE FAKE ADVERT FOR MUFF SHANDY'S BRAND NEW SINGLE EARPLUGS ARE GAY

D'you Know Terry Wise?

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Ahh..

Ricky: D'you know what I mean though?

Steve: I really feel psyched up after that.

Ricky: So do I. I just wanna, oh you shoulda saw me there I was box- shadow boxing again,

Steve: It was incredible.

Ricky: Dancin' around.

Steve: It was incredible.

Ricky: Good job Pitts was here, because he can't actually- you can hit him as hard as you like and he can't feel it, well he'll feel it a couple of minutes later.

Steve: Yeah he just sort of ripples.

Ricky: It's lovely!

Steve: It's beautiful.

Ricky: It's great cos it takes out agression and he sort of likes it cos it tickles him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's like, you remember Pillsbury Dough?

Steve: No.

Ricky: That little bloke that used to laugh when you used to prod him.

Steve: No idea what you're talking about.

Ricky: Oh it's fantastic.

Steve: What are you talking about?

Ricky: 01715802000, everyone phone and say "Steve, you're a twat, of course we remember pillsbury dough so don't try and do that one on me."

Steve: Pillsbury dough, wha-

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: I've never heard of it!

Ricky: Well, well that's your loss!

Steve: Alright well if that's the game you're playing Gervais,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'll try and pluck one out the bag.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: Oh, no I, you can carry on talking I'm just, hmm let me think, let me think...

Steve making noises

Steve: No I'll come up with something.

Ricky: This'll involve a mate of yours in Bristol. "Do you know uh, do you know Terry Wise?" "No." "Hahah!" "You win."

Steve: No, I'll come up with something. What was this thing, what was it called? The- the Pill..

Ricky: Pillsbury Doughboy.

Steve: Pillsbury Doughboy?

Ricky: It was a little thing that used to come in, a little round wobbly thing and you pressed him and he went (Ricky laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy)

Steve: What are you talking about?

Ricky: 01715802000

Steve: Where did it come from?

Ricky: Prove me wrong.

Steve: Where did it come from?

Ricky: Well it's the name of a... thing innit, Pillsbury Dough!

Steve: What do you mean a "thing"?

Ricky: Well it's a... pastry... mix!

Steve: It's a "pastry mix"?

Ricky: Ohhh...

Steve: Is it a toy?

Ricky: No! What you used to play with food when you were a kid, you-

Steve: Gervais you still play with food!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: This is going nowhere-

Steve: Wha-

Ricky: Shut up, no, forget it! Right it's after the um, ad break,

Steve: Jamie and his magic torch

Ricky: Yeah I remember that.

Steve sighs

Ricky: Yeah. I remember that.. what's that little kid in the comics, had a magic... pipes. He could go past an ad of like, a women eating a cream bun and the cream bun would come to life. You know what I mean, now at 14 you'd be getting different material wouldn't he, to bring to life. Don't you remember him, he was a comic book.

Steve: Are you on crack?

Ricky laughs

Song: Gomez - Get Myself Arrested

Ricky:

Steve:

Super Slick On The Mic

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Gomez. Yeah.

Steve: I have-

Ricky: Shut up, I've gotta say what the record is! Gomez, Get Myself Arrested. What, Steve?

Steve: I have finally figured out what on earth you were waffling on about just a second ago.

Ricky: What.

Steve: Pillsbury Dough,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Right you just- Pillsbury Dough, "Nuh nuh this is wha-". Apparently, I have managed- I'm talking to the listeners Gervais,

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: Not yourself. Apparently Pillsbury Dough right, it's an ad from years ago,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Um advertising this form of dough,

Ricky: Pastry yeah yeah...

Steve: A little... a little cartoon character comes on the telly, Pillsbury Dough man,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: And he comes on, and a woman presses his belly,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he makes a noise or something?

Ricky: Yeah! That's what I said.

Steve: Well you didn't say that at all!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: You didn't explain it. See when I want to explain something alright Gervais, what I do is I think "What do I need to say,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "How can I best express it, which words shall I use and in what order."

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: When you want to express something you just just go, "WORDS.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "WORDS. WORDS. STOP. WORDS. Oh, ANNOYED. ANNOYED. WORDS." D'you know what I mean, it's just gobbledegook Gervais.

Ricky: I was excited about remembering Pillsbury Dough!

Steve: Yeah but you- you must not let your excitement-

Ricky: I couldn't believe you're so stupid and sheltered not to have heard of him!

Steve: You must not let your excitement, right, undermine your use of grammar. Do you understand me Gervais, it's not an excuse.

Ricky: Or- or motor... se- sense... sensibili-

Steve: Anything. Alright? Just think-

Ricky: ...sensibili... bleurghhh...

Steve: Think before you speak.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Please think before you speak.

Ricky: I'm a DJ.

Steve: Think before you speak.

Ricky: Where would I get if I did that? Um... and, someone here says- "And." Starting off with "And!"

Steve: Never start a sentence with "And" or "Because" Gervais!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Everybody knows that.

Ricky: Ohh I no-

Steve: Never start a sentence with "And" or "Because".

Ricky: Uh Mandy from Chingford wants to know if I remember a program called Billy Liar. Of course I do you see, and you probably don't.

Steve: A program called Billy Liar?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Rubbish! That's never existed!

Ricky: You've embarrassed yourself again.

Steve: No there's a fi- I, I admit there's a film and a play and a book...

Ricky: Happy birthday Charlotte. No, Catherine. It's from Charlotte, she's 20.

Steve: Yeah, man! You're super slick on the mic! Oh yes sirree Gervais.

Ricky: Get me another one, get me another one. Cos the thing is if you stop drinking you start going a bit... mad.

Steve: ... Can we... Can we get the margaritas in here please, Nick?

Ricky: Oh I had a margarita yesterday. Sitting outside a little restaurant in Camden, had a margarita.

Steve: I went to a party, I was on the margaritas. I saw one of them the next day actually, she was a lovely girl.

Ricky: (laughing) No, you can't do jokes like that. What were we talking about before that though?

Steve: Play a record Gervais.

Song: Drugstore - Sober

Were You Crawling?

Ricky: Drugstore - Sober, on XFM 104.9, London's only alternative.

Steve: Yeah. It's interesting you say that sentence after every record.

Ricky: I've learnt it.

Steve: Cos it's the only thing you've memorised isn't it.

Ricky: Exactly yeah.

Steve: You can actually say that and get from beginning to the end without sort of, keeling over, or something.

Ricky: You take a deep breath.

Steve: Yeah, taking another swig. You should see him preparing... to come out of a record, (breathes deeply) "Alright... XFM, 104.9..." And off you go. It's beautiful Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Absolutely gorgeous. Um, walking along umm, the other night towards your house on that route, that direct route from XFM... walking along,

Ricky: Zen line.

Steve: Very short fella, walking along side me, and you know sometimes your eyes meet with these people, I saw his face,

Ricky: What were you doing, crawling?

Steve laughs

Ricky: How short are we talking?

Steve: He's a short man.

Ricky: 4 foot?

Steve: 3 or 4 feet?

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: Carrying a big bag, I saw his face, it looked- you ima- you know those people that look as though their face has been stapled together?

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

Steve: He was one of those sort of people.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so his face was very odd I mean you know I don't want to sort of, it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean?

Ricky: He was short and ugly, you're tall and ugly.

Steve: Exactly. He was a... he was a weird looking fella.

Ricky: Worse than you?

Steve: He looks up at me Gervaise, he looks up at me and he says uh, "Can I jump on your back?"

Ricky: (laughs) Really?

Steve: Absolutely what he said. Can you believe that, "Can I jump on your back?" What was I gonna say, it was ridiculous! He- "Can I jump on your back?" And I don't know what his plan- once he'd got up there I'm not sure what his plan of action was gonna be, I dunno what he was thinking.

Ricky: Fight a much taller man.

Steve: Yeah. Anyway so he says that, and I say, "Well no you can't." And he says "Oh go on, let me you big c-u-n-t."

Ricky: Did he?

Steve: That's what he said! "Oh go on, let me." I mean it's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Ricky: Like that was gonna convince you.

Steve: I know!

Ricky: Like at first sight, "Oh no I won't." "Oh go on you big cu-" "Oh go on then."

Steve: Yeah, "Alright."

Ricky: That's lovely.

Steve: "As you asked so sweetly."

Ricky: What if he'd have been a short, ugly woman who'd had her face stapled together?

Steve: Well, I'd have let her jump up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well she might have needed to get somewhere quick you know, and I- those kind of opportunities, it would just be ungentlemanly if I didn't-

Ricky: She might have needed a ride.

Steve: She might have needed a ride

Ricky:

Steve:

Ricky:

Steve:

Steve Made Me Do It

END OF NUMB BY PORTISHEAD

Ricky: Portishead. Numb.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: After the break, a classic, by Housemartins

Steve: Lovely

Ricky: Steve made me do it

Steve: Brilliant

HEAR END OF HAPPY HOUR BY HOUSEMARTINS

Ricky Lists What is Coming

THE END OF BABY BIRD'S BAD OLD MAN IS PLAYING

Ricky: Baby Bird. Bad Ol' Man.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: XFM 104.9

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Nearly half five. Ad break, Scope, Song For Body,

Ricky corrects himself

Ricky: -;Bobby, competition, film quiz, ummmm

Steve: Sheddies

Ricky: Shed Seven Album, um Midget um album, um Xfm album with

Ricky mumbles something incoprehensible

BAD OLD MAN BY BABY BIRD FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY

Ricky: -;Am I making sense?

Steve: No.

Steve (probably) bangs on desk

Steve: Play a record.

SKIPS TO END OF SONG FOR BOBBY BY SCOPE

Competition Answers

Blackstar by Radiohead is fading out

Ricky: Radiohead. Blackstar. On xfm 104.9 it's the Ricky Gervais Show

Blackstar finally fades out

Steve: but does-;

Ricky: We have the competition

Steve: does-does the bleeping, happen in the pub?

Ricky: 'Course it doesn't!

Steve: wh-

Ricky: You can say what you want...live, can't ya? in a pub.

Steve: I'm just a bit confused

Ricky: I know. well you're easily confused.

Steve: There's a competition winner, you'll be pleased to know

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Danesh Desilver, from Wimbledon has won those three cds and can I just say they're already weeing their way to him as we speak

Ricky: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: probably-;

Steve: I just say that

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: absolute nonsense

Ricky: they're probably outside on the table. you've lost the bit of paper

Steve: yup

Ricky: and that. that excuse for a producer.

Steve: You'll be very suprised if those Cds ever make it to Wimbledon.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah, I'll be honest. yeah

Steve: aah. Gervais. It's-I've. You know, it's been great. we've enjoyed ourselves

Ricky: what was the film clip then?

Steve: oh the film of course! we didn't even give it away. It was Terminator 2

Ricky: Of course it was. The classic scene when the uh, T uh, one thousand, puts the big sword through the uh, lift and Lynn Hamilton goes 'what was that?' oh and he explains

Steve: That was a fantastic clip there from the film and hopefully another film quiz next week.Perhaps-

Ricky: We've got another one, yeah

Steve: Gervais

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: and I must say that the film quiz thing is very popular at the moment. A lot of people very excited by that...

Ricky: we got an ad break coming up.

Steve: Have we?

Ricky: and then a classic from Placebo, yeah?

Steve: Placebo? I'd rather have ***** Pulp

Ricky: ...we'll play both

Steve: Brilliant

Ads are played

I Wish I Could Bleep Him Out

Techno beat fading out

Lawrie: The feisty five are now the feisty four. Gerri Halliwell has left the Spice Girls. The announcement was given by her solicitor in London.

Music is finally inaudible

Lawrie: The other band members say they'll go on without her but the Sun's showbiz corespondent, David Wigg, says it won't work

Recording of David Wigg playing. "You're going to have Victoria next year wanting to get married to David Beckham and she'll probably want to have a baby so gradually we'll see them fall away. This is the demise of the-of the Spice Girls deffintely cuz Gerri was so popular she was one of the most popular members as she was the leader"

Music played

Music fading out

Lawrie: Just gone six o'clock uh, but uh, they're still here, aren't you boys?

Ricky: Righ-

Steve: Yes

Ricky: Y-yeah

Steve: yeah, yeah

Ricky: Just saying 'cheerio'

Lawrie: It's like bad pennies really..

Ricky: I left-I left me with that. k-nicky

Music finally fully fades out

Lawrie: Yeah, it's generous of you. you've left the seat down too low as well I had to raise it up again

Ricky: Really?

Lawrie: and you've left one, two, three, four, five cups in here

Steve: ..do-don't complain

Lawrie: and two empty ashtrays and you don't, don't leave your crown behind you. that last week, keep leaving that retched thing here

Steve: God he's starting all ready!

Ricky: look at his shirt

Ricky and Steve try to talk over eachother

Ricky: what do you feel like when a man in that shirt can criticize you Steve?

Steve: In a way I wish I could bleep him out

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: what? just a two hour bleep?

Steve: Yeah, just a big two hour bleep

Ricky: I just gotta say um, happy birthday Catherine and sorry Holly I didn't read you fax but our fax machine chewed it up after it sent it again.

Steve: Didn't hear a word of that

Ricky: no

Steve: Lawrie, play a song

Lawrie: Alright then