Tape 2 Side B/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 2 Side B, from Xfm Series 0.

Mr. Chips

Steve: Gervais, what's your favourite um, It'll Be Alright On The Night clip?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: From- I'm talking about all sort of 58 shows that they must have done.

Ricky: Now that is difficult, let me see.

Steve: See I'm wondering if it is that one with Mr. Chips from Catchphrase tossing off, have you seen that one?

Ricky: (laughing) No.

Steve: Yeah it's great, cos it's just an error and it makes it look as though he's tossing off, but he's not, and I dunno what it is. Um, but I bet- I dunno what um... what the catchphrase is.

Ricky: Um,

Steve: 01715802000

Ricky: Mr. Chips is coming to dinner? Something like that.

Steve: Possibly.

Ricky: It's the best I could do.

Steve: Gervais, no come on, I want by the time we come back after this next tune, your favourite It'll Be Alright On The Night clip.

Ricky: Okay.

Snake Charmer

Steve: (Imitating Roy Walker) "What's Mr. Chips doing there? Say what you see. What's he doing, what's Mr. Chips doing there?"

Ricky: "Uhh... is he 'spanking the monkey'?"

Steve: "Ohh, it's a good answer but it's not right. No, he was having a quick 'hand shandy'."

Ricky: "If he'd have been spanking the monkey there'd have been a monkey being spanked, and you wouldn't have got it."

Steve: Now it's interesting that I wondered what the catchphrase was,

Ricky: What?

Steve: When they made that hideous-

Ricky: Have you explained this? We didn't explain it, there was actually a thing on Alright On The Night, I didn't actually see it,

Steve: No, let me explain it,

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: On It'll Be Alright On The Night-

Ricky: Steve's gonna explain it.

Steve: ...Because you don't know what you're talking about.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: D'you know what I mean? I'm nominating myself Gervais, cos you've got no idea.

Ricky: That's fair enough.

Steve: On It'll Be Alright On The Night-

Ricky: Night. No, go on do it, seriously because it'll get annoying.

Steve: I can't be bothered to go on.

Ricky: No no, come on! Look-

Steve: All I'm saying is-

Ricky: Did we do a Pulp competition or not?

Steve: Shut up a minute.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Dennis Norden's there, he's saying uh, "If you're one of those people...".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he says something like you know, "Anyway, here's an episode of blah blah..." And you see the Mr. Chips he's up to no good or whatever on the big monitor screen and Roy Walker's there saying-

Ricky: Oh Mr. Chips...

Steve: "Say what you see" and for some reason because of the computer graphics it looks as though Mr. Chips is having a quick...

Ricky: It looks like he's masturbating.

Steve: It does, I'll be honest with you.

Ricky: Okay, right, I haven't seen it but I'll take your word for it.

Steve: Anyway, I just said to Emma, wonder what the actual catchphrase was they were looking for, and she went and made a phonecall, and she's found out, what was it?

Emma: 'Hand shan-' no-

Ricky: No- ohh! What a giveaway!

Steve: That's a freudian slip.

Emma: It was umm,

Ricky: She's forgotten.

Emma: 'Snake charmer'.

Ricky: 'Snake charmer'.

Steve: Which is basically the same thing.

Ricky: Hold on, that's a good eupemism!

Steve: I know it is!

Ricky: They've come up with a great euph- yeah.

Steve: But what I like-

Ricky: "I've gotta go and charm a snake."

Steve: Yeah. What I like is the fact that she could go out and make a phonecall and get that answer.

Ricky: Okay, let's- I- we could give her challenges.

Steve: Yeah, just little... little tasks.

Ricky: Um-

Steve: If we get people to phone in and say um, "I remember an old episode of Coronation Street 1972",

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "I think somebody, you know..." D'you know what I mean, and we'd just- and she'd go off and make a call and we'll sort it out.

Ricky: Is it sort of "Challenge Emma"?

Steve: "Challenge Emma".

Ricky: That's good, innit?

Steve: What- who's she phoning?

Ricky: Who is she phoning?

Emma: (Giggles)

Steve: 01715802000

Ricky: I'll tell you something that always confused me, I know the answer now though, but I could not for the life of me work out why this was a good saying: "You can't have your cake and eat it." Why not? What is the point?

Steve: I- what does that- I still- I don't know what it means.

Ricky: Well it means you can't have eaten your cake and then still have it whole in front of you.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: (takes a deep breath) Wise words.

Steve: (laughs)

What…?

Ricky: "Mr. Chips there, what he's doing, he's picking up male chickens and sucking them."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Say what you see." Um, well, we've got an ad break now did we do a Pulp competition?

Steve: I can't remember. I- for the life of me. Shall we ju- shall we do another one?

Ricky: Well no, but then what if somebody's entered and- well they haven't won, obviously.

Steve: Well no.

Ricky: Um, do another one.

Steve: ...

Ricky: Do something else, 01715802000, "what...?"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: ...And you could be going to Pulp! "...What?"

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: You've thought- well you've got us out of that particular-

Ricky: Yaaaayy!!

Steve: ...particular situation.

Ricky: Um look, I'll- after the break, right, there's a Virgin promo thing, don't mention the adverts, I'm gonna play a classic by The Smiths, I'll tell you what it is, it's um Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others, right? But what worries me is, it sort of starts and it fades away, and then comes back in again, and it worries me when I play this cos they probably think that I can't use the desk.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: No it'd be terrible- it'd be terrible that, if people got the wrong idea Gervais, that you're incompetent.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Tosser.

Song: The Smiths - Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others

Kettle, Mr. Gervais

Steve: There was an article in The Guardian Gervias, on Friday, and it was about two pages long and it said, basically, that Morrissey's a little bit odd. Well done, two pages. The guy who wrote that probably got a grand or something.

Ricky: We gotta um- yeah, I know! Um, we-

Steve: That's money for old rope.

Ricky: Eh? Get him out, he's putting me off, with his hair.

Steve: Yeah. Get out, would you?

Ricky: There's a bloke in here with strange orange hair just fiddling around. Emma, who's my producer, who's this bloke?

Steve: Yeah, get him out.

Ricky: No, publicly embarrass him. No, don't hide. Emma, get him here, get him out.

Emma: Who?

Ricky: Say his name, he's hiding now.

Emma: Ian.

Steve: Gervais-

Ricky: Yeah, Ian.

Steve: It's not good radio.

Ricky: Eh?

Steve: It's not great radio, this.

Ricky: (laughs) Um, the winner-

Steve: To exorcise your personal psychological demons on air.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It's not fun, d'you know what I mean? All this stuff about you phoning up your mum, alright, that might be useful and interesting to you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright-

Ricky: The psychiatrist gave me some money off the bill, though.

Steve: Yeah, we don't care.

Ricky: Um, the winner is... Roy Roberts? That's a good name. He won the Pulp tickets, for his idea that the worst lyrics is uh... look he's banging around, what is this, amateur night?

Steve: (laughs) Ke- kettle, Mr. Gervais.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Pot, black.

Professional Organization

Ricky: Everyone out of the studio that shouldn't be here? Good! This is a professional organisation, people wondering in, banging- there's bits of paper here that's in like green biro, I want things typed, d'you know what I mean? I don't want anyone in here who isn't giving it 100%!

Steve: Gervais...

Ricky: I- I'm leaving.

Song: Supergrass - Lenny

Ricky: Gotta stop that there, sorry.

Steve: That's crazy, it must be stopped.

Ricky: No no, wait wait wait, that's Supergrass and Lenny. This is how up on music Steve is, he went, "It's sticking, Gervais, it's sticking!" I gotta start it again, now.

Steve: Isn't it... how am I supposed to know, I've never heard the track before!

Ricky: Right... okay, let's stop that.

Steve: I can't believe you're disrespecting me on something like that,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's so unfair.

Ricky: I've embarrassed you haven't I? Publicly.

Steve: I don't know the ins and outs of YMCA so I'm not a music aficiando.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Steve: Alright, you ask me any question on somebody credible.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: Like, um...

Steve: Credit to the Nation.

Ricky: (laughing) Disco Tex.

Steve: (laughing) "Credit to the nation"!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Who the hell needs Credit to the Nation?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "Cheers lads! Thanks very much, well done."

Ricky: Take- what you wanna do take a little bit of Nirvana, right, stick that on, they all run onto the dancefloor at the Camden Palace and have to have to come off again.

Steve: "It's Nirvana- no it's not Nirvana, it's a rap thing."

Ricky: "No it's not, damn, I'm embarrassed now."

Steve: "It's a sort of rap track."

Ricky: "Quick, do some ironic dancing!"

Steve: Ohh, I was thinking about that the other day, tracks which use the riffs from really great songs, which are just terrible I mean what are they thinking?

Ricky: There's a show in that!

Steve: There's that one that had-

Ricky: Am I gonna play Supergrass or not?

Steve: What was it, what was-

Ricky: Oh by the way, the Pulp winner, um... Roy Roberts, right, and his horse Trigger, he won because he said, Duran Duran, "You're about as easy as a nuclear war."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: D'you remember that one? "Please, please, tell me now." And Will sent in one of my favourites of all time, it's Spandau Ballet, "She used to be a diplomat, but now she's down the laundromat."

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: That is lovely, isn't it?

Steve: That's the problem with so many of these lyrics is simply because people want to rhyme stuff.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They want to rhyme two things so they end up with cod lyrics like that.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: See you don't get that with- now I let rappers off but it's people like Duran Duran just... oh they just make me sick.

Ricky: That's funny cos I sort of let off the new romantics cos it wasn't about anything was it really. It was about... it was about the clothes, Steve.

Steve: It was all- I wasn't there.

Ricky: It was about showing out, you know what I mean?

Steve: I wasn't there, mate.

Ricky: Okay, this is Supergrass and Lenny. I've cleaned the CD off, it should be alright now. Twonk.

Lenny by Supergrass is played again

Pulp in the Park

Steve: Well absolutely, what can I say, yeah, great.

Ricky: Um, you didn't go to Pulp in the Park yesterday, did you?

Steve: I did not.

Ricky: It's my mate Jarvis. "This is Pulp and Common People".

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: What?

Steve: Well you didn't meet him.

Ricky: No, I know. What about pen pals, you say "pen pals" don't you, you don't meet them but they're friends.

Steve: Yeah but you've never had any contact with Jarvis whatsoever.

Song: Pulp - Do You Remember The First Time?

Steve: Gervais, I don't know anything about this, what was it, what was going on?

Ricky: Pulp.

Steve: What, what.

Ricky: Pulp, Catatonia, Bernard Butler, Add N to (X),

Steve: This was a big event was it, a big- some big gig?

Ricky: Oh, you are s- ohh... what were you doing?

Steve: Yesterday?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oohh...

Ricky: Making some more clogs for the disco?

Steve: Oohh...

Ricky: Yeah? Thinking about ladies.

Steve: Hehey! Maybe I was with a lady.

Ricky: Were you?

Steve: No.

Ricky: No.

Steve: But um-

Ricky: Anyway, I've met Jarvis before, met him at ULU at the Longpigs gig cos he was mates with them.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What's he like, alright?

Ricky: He's sort of thin, got glasses.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well he has success with ladies.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Why don't I?

Ricky: ...Yeah. You don't wanna... go into that? D'you wanna... no I don't think we should.

Steve: Tell me about it, so what was it, I don't understand, you were involved somehow weren't you?

Ricky: Well I was just comparing.

Steve: You were comparing?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Well, just going out and saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for..." yeah.

Steve: Were you?

Ricky: "Ultrasound!"

Steve: What did you do, I mean what was your schtick?

Ricky: Well I wanted to go out and interrupt Jarvis with a Michael Jackson mask on.

Steve: Yeah, naturally.

Ricky: I wasn't allowed.

Steve: Right, they wouldn't let you.

Ricky: So I did it to Catatonia instead.

Steve: Yeah, doesn't really work, does it?

Ricky: Didn't have the same impact at all.

Steve: Doesn't make any sense.

Ricky: No, not really.

Steve: Who else was on, Bernard Butler, was he?

Ricky: Yeah, oh, Bernard Butler, I had a lovely little trick ready, I borrowed a little peak cap off of the St John's Ambulance and I was getting ready to go out and go, (imitating Blakey from On The Buses) "Oh I hate you Butler, get that bus out now!" But they played an intro tape, and I told them and they said, "Oh that's a shame, that would have been funny."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So that one fell flat as well.

Steve: So lots of opportunities there, wasted.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It would seem.

Ricky: But I did go out when all-

Steve: Very much the story of your life, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah. When the roadies were going, "Bit more dB on that." I did go and get me arse out.

Steve: You went and got your arse out?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, cos sort of the classy stuff wasn't working.

Ricky: No, I had to sort of like dumb it down a little bit.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. That's the nature of those audiences.

Ricky: But it was funny right because uh- hold on. (sighs) I'm getting bored now, it's Catatonia, they were on.

Steve: Oh really?

Ricky: They were good.

Steve: Were they?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Can you roll your 'R's?

Steve: ...No idea. One thing I would say though, if anyone saw Ricky yesterday at- where was it, Finsbury Park?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 01715802000, was he faintly amusing, what did he get up to?

Song: Catatonia - Road Rage

Nothing is Your Medium

Steve: Gervais, you know last week we started a competition where people had to send in photographs or pictures or anything,

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Um, if- I would show them to you indiscriminantly during the show and see if you would laugh,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Got the first one here, from Michael in Crouch End,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (shows Ricky the picture) Alright?

Ricky: (laughing) You liar, that wasn't him!

Steve: Well it could have been.

Ricky: You did that.

Steve: I did that myself.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: But that's the idea.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fax them- can I just say fax them-

Ricky: Ohh, God.

Steve: Fax-

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I'll admit, I drew that one-

Ricky: Right.

Steve: But wait a minute, wait a minute-

Ricky: And I can never, I- not only could I not tell them what it was, I could never explain it well enough,

Steve: No, there's nothing you could do to explain that picture.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Suffice to say, if you've got a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh and we will hopefully give a prize to somebody somewhere during the show, 01-

Ricky: It's specifics like that that make this show the sort of-

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: The vague promise that there might be a prize.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway, if you have a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh, 0171580-

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Shut up, I'm trying to give the number here. 0171580-

Ricky: That's enough!

Steve: 1234.

Ricky: That's the fax number.

Steve: Tha- yeah exactly, how are they gonna phone in a drawing?

Ricky: (laughs) No shut up!

Steve: It's simple things, Gervais, that let you down.

Ricky: Next up, Blur.

Song: Blur -

Steve: Gervais we've had a few faxes and phonecalls because people did see you apparently yesterday at Finsbury Park,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Introducing the bands. We've had a number of callers, let me just sort of tell you what they've said, they've passed this information onto me.

Ricky: This is gonna be hurtful isn't it?

Steve: Well... you know, all I would say Gervais is, you mock me alright, about my appearance, okay, because you know you're safe, people don't know what you look like cos you're on the wireless.

Ricky: "The wireless."

Steve: You've made a public appearance, Gervais.

Ricky: I've made a big error.

Steve: You've made a big, big error.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Alright, Les called, he said "Ricky let himself down by mooning." Gervais, all I'd say to you is,

Ricky: I didn't moon.

Steve: Clearly you did.

Ricky: No I did sort of roadie's cleavage.

Steve: The point is Gervais, you see even- I mean those are classics in your repertoire.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Aren't they, getting your arse out, that's like your sort of um, you know, The Very Best Of Woody Allen, you know, that's one of his hour long monologues, that's yours isn't it?

Ricky: I didn't do the fish though, did I, that's my piece de resistance.

Steve: Well, I don't wanna know about that. Anyway, Claire has also phoned in-

Ricky: Pis-cees de resistance.

Steve: Um, Claire has phoned in, she said you're "a bit large",

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Alright, you "had a haircut",

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Dunno what that means. And you're "quieter than on the radio." Any reason- what was going on, why weren't you shouting and bawling?

Ricky: Eh?

Steve: That's your manner.

Ricky: Probably-

Steve: Well all I'd say is-

Ricky: The mic wasn't on.

Steve: I'd point you in the direction of "a bit large",

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Gervais, cos that leads nicely on to the final call here from Katie,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Fatter than I-" "FATTER than I thought." Gervais, but still gorgeous.

Ricky: Ah, you see?

Steve: To be honest with you. So it's interesting there that they've spotted that you're quite a fat and talentless man.

Ricky: I'm not that fat, am I?

Steve: Well no but- (laughs)

Ricky: Anyone-

Steve: Two people of those three calls have pointed out the fact that you're fat.

Ricky: Yeah but- yeah.

Steve: And the other one, all he could see was your arse. So Gervais, I'm just a little but disappointed I imagine, you're probably feeling a little bit low, a bit shocked, you thought that the TV contracts would be flooding in, but no.

Ricky: It's not my media, really, just sort of... rock festival.

Steve: Gervais, nothing is your medium.

Ricky: Well I was- I went there right, first of all there was a lot of noise.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right, and walking around, it was hot, which I liked, I sort of laid down. But I didn't take any sun cream,

Steve: (Inhales)

Ricky: So after about four hours, it was getting a bit warm, and I was knackered cos I was having to work, I had to keep going on stage so I wanted to sit in one place near the chemical toilet.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Between the chemical toilet and the bar. Or, incorporate those.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: In one sort of strange invention which I am gonna do one day.

Steve: (laughs) 'chemical bar'?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. We've all been there.

Steve: In one end, out the other. Straight away.

Ricky: Yeah. So I was sitting there and then this- someone came- a friend of ours had some uh, "Factor so-and-so 50" or something, I put it on, and Becky, Ben's Becky, was there with some lip balm, and I put that on so, you know, it wouldn't crack, um, and it was all okay. But then, as I started getting a little bit more out of it, we were sort of like drinking and enjoying ourselves, and I was hot, and I got a runny eye. My eyes started stinging, and I was going "ooh, me eye." And I was tired, and I was losing heat through my sunburn, it was getting cold, and I put my tracksuit top on, white tracksuit top. So there I was, sitting, and also then the- about a couple of hours later the lip balm came out again and I had a flashback, I remember the first time it came round it was like in a film, I had the flashback, and as I- I realised the- I put it on my lips, then put a little bit on my eyelids!

Steve: (laughs) Why?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: In case of chapped eyelids?

Ricky: No I thought it might cool them down.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And then I realised "Ohh that's why my eyes are stinging."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So I'm there, with runny eyes, I'm tired, I'm a little but drunk, I'm in a white tracksuit with shades on, I had turned into Jimmy Saville.

Steve: (laughs) You'd just become Jimmy.

Ricky: Yeah, and I saw these kids looking at me thinking, "Aww, bless him." They were going, "You alright?" "(grunts) Where's the toilet?" "You've done it!" "(grunts)" ..."Dear Jimmy, I am 4 years old, and I have a terminal illness. Can you fix it for me to live a long and healthy life?" "Well, no, but we have arranged it for you to do a duet with Mr. Shakin' Stevens."

Steve: Hooray!

Ricky: Wheey! "I feel sick." "This old house, do it you little ba-" "I feel sick mummy, it's the treatment." Anyway,

Steve: (laughs) "What's behind the green door? A cure? No."

Ricky: No, no, "He's for comas. He's not for terminal illness." He gets people out of comas doesn't he, Shakin' Stevens?

Steve: Does he?

Ricky: He does, apparently, loads of kids in the 80s, they're all on there, all these people going, "Oh yeah and she was in a coma and we played Shakin' Stevens 24 hours a day and she-" I'd come out of it if someone- "Turn that... shit off!" D'you know what I mean? Who would you least like to visit you if you were in a coma?

Steve: Ooh, crumbs.

Ricky: Imagine it, right, you're in a coma, yeah, you're in a catatonic- you've got all your senses. You've got all your senses except sight. You can't do a thing, right? And you've got someone there to come and visit you, you're helpless, you can't move,

Steve: I'm just sort of lying on the bed,

Ricky: You can't say anything,

Steve: Helpless.

Ricky: But you can feel the- I tell you who I wouldn't want to visit me, Jason Donovan.

Steve: No, I wouldn't want Jason.

Ricky: He's not- I don't like his voice.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Or Philip Schofield, I don't like his singing voice.

Steve: No. Andi Peters.

Ricky: I haven't heard him sing.

Steve: No but I wouldn't want him round. I wouldn't want him round.

Ricky: Really, why?

Steve: No, I dunno there's just something about him. Just something about him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wouldn't want him there.

Ricky: Um anyway, we've got some Skunk Anansie coming up now.

Steve: Larry Grayson's welcome.

Ricky: And I tell you who else is- Village People. I love them.

Steve: Bring the 4 of them round.

Ricky: "YMC-" 4 of them? What one d'you wanna leave out? There was 5 of them.

Steve: No there wasn't!

Ricky: There was 5 of them!

Steve: There was 4!

Ricky: There were 5 Village People.

Steve: 4 Village- everyone knows there's 4 Village People.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Alright, wait a minute, so there's a fire- no hang on, there's a road cop,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, there's a red indian obviously.

Ricky: Obviously, yeah.

Steve: There's a construction worker, and there's something else, something- a chef? No, a candle-

Ricky: A chef?!

Steve: A candlestick maker!

Ricky: Ohh, that's great innit? Yeah, a tailor, at the back with those little half-moon glasses, "YMCA!" Doing a little bit of sewing.

Steve: Who was it- hang on, wait a minute, there was a fire chief-

Ricky: What are you on about? No is there- was there a fire chief?

Steve: No it wasn't a fire chief, there was a police- play a record we'll figure it out.

Ricky: The black guy was a road co- uh, traffic cop,

Steve: There was a policeman, yeah.

Ricky: There was a red indian, obviously.

Steve: Obviously.

Ricky: Um, uh, Native American.

Steve: Yeah, there was a construction worker,

Ricky: Yeah. With a moustache... Cowboy! Cowboy.

Steve: Was there?

Ricky: Yeah, 'course there was a cowboy.

Steve: Was there?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Well who was the fifth one then?

Ricky: I don't know if there was, I might have made that up, maybe I just dreamt one. I thought maybe a bloke dressed up as Judy Garland.

Song: Skunk Anansie -

One Wonders About His Musical Taste

Ricky: It's about half 4, Sunday, Ricky Gervais Show, I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve's got some uh, facts here for you.

Steve: Well it's interesting, we had a call from a fella called Paul Murray,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And Paul tells me that there are s- or rather there were, perhaps there still are, six Village People.

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Six of them.

Ricky: That's more than I remember, go on then.

Steve: Umm, but what's interesting is Paul here has managed to name every single member of that squad, plus the different roles that they played.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: And what I'm intrigued to know is- most people can't even name all four Smiths, alright, or decent bands even you know, maybe all four Rolling Stones. Er, sorry all six- five Rolling Stones.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: However many there-

Ricky: Twelve.

Steve: Yeah. But this man can name all six Village People and the roles they played.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: One wonders about his musical taste.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Anyway um... the cowboy, Gervais, you might wanna make a note, the cowboy was played by Victor Willis, there was a red Indian, he was David Hodo, Felipe Rose played the policeman, Randy Jones was a G.I.,

Ricky: (giggles)

Steve: A soldier, Glenn Hughes played the biker and Alex Briley was the construction worker. Six Village People, Gervais.

Ricky: Wow.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: That's fantastic.

Steve: So in Trivial Pursuit or any-

Ricky: That'd be crowded though wouldn't it, in the ward.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I bet that matron would be coming round saying "What is this? (clapping) Get out! Get out, he can't hear you." "I think he can. He flickers a little bit, every now and again".

Steve: So yeah, we're taking your calls on who you'd least like to have visiting you when you're in a coma.

Ricky: Maybe you could have a special donor card, like in the case of me falling into a catatonic state where I can still hear a bit, don't let Shakin' Stevens in.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean? Or- see, my girlfriend knows exactly what I'd want. I'd want 24 hours a day Derek and Clive with bits of like, Radiohead and The Smiths sort of like mixed into it, d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Right, yeah.

Ricky: That'd be easy, she'd know, but you can't always rely on that.

Steve: No.

Ricky: I mean, who would you turn to, there's no one would wanna come near you when you're sort of like walking around, maybe you wouldn't be so scary when you're sort of like unconsc- I dunno- actually you'd probably be worse, wouldn't you? Cos you'd have your glasses off, cos you wouldn't need them, and they sort of help you, they humanise you, I'll be honest.

Steve: Can you imagine all the nurses in their staff room, "No, I'm not going in."

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Steve: They're all drawing straws, "No, I'm not going anywhere near him."

Ricky: No, and you'd probably have some sort of drip thing, wouldn't you? (makes wheezing and slurping sounds)

Steve: And that's just visiting.

Ricky: And that just sort of keeps you alive, that's all the protein and everything you need, imagine Dawn French visiting you.

Steve: Deary me.

Ricky: She'd be there for a while, nurse comes in, "Why isn't his drip connected?" she goes "(muffled) Dunno."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "No- no idea."

Steve: We had a call from Heather and Jim, they apparently met you once before and they said you're not quite as fat as they remember.

Ricky: Oh look-

Steve: Not quite as fat as everyone was suggesting.

Ricky: Yeah, you see.

Steve: Um, they-

Ricky: See, I'm not fat. What I've done is I've let myself go a little bit round my midriff you see, so in this like indie world of being 7 stone, 'course I'm suddenly... ape man, aren't I?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. These youngsters "Oh what's that" It's a beer gut, you'll get it. You'll get it, alright?

Steve: Heath-

Ricky: My jawline's not a chiseled as it used to be

Steve: No. Well it's not so much a jawline,

Ricky: No not really.

Steve: As-

Ricky: As a pelican.

Steve: As your- as your waist.

Ricky: Yeah, (laughs) yeah it goes straight into it.

Steve: Heather and Jim, they said that they wouldn't really fancy Nick Cave popping round when they've got- in a coma. I dunno, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

Ricky: No.

Steve: He could bring some of his 'H' along.

Ricky: (laughs)

Obviously It Is Against The Law

Ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show, don't forget, keep faxing in the people you'd least like - or most like to visit you in a coma and what you'd like played to you. Sort of- you've gotta think this is 24 hours a day, maybe learn to speak French!

Steve: That would make a lot of sense.

Ricky: You know what I mean, you come out, and you're fine, you know what I mean? That'd be great cos there's nothing else to do, so all those things you thought of you know, doing, like maybe a martial art, that'd be difficult.

Steve: Yeah. How to chat up women!

Ricky: Ah.

Steve: I'd have to be in a coma for a lot longer.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Uh, two things Gervais, 1, you know last week I mentioned that I've got a celebrity relation,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm gonna be mentioning that in a second, alright so bear with me cos it's an exciting thing obviously, I've gotta celebrity relation, Gervais.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: It's not very exciting, it's not very intriguing but, I think you'll-

Ricky: They're cringing.

Steve: I think you'll-

Ricky: They're going "Oh God, please don't- the phones are gonna go- get an injunction out on it."

Steve: 01715802000 if you've got an interesting celebrity relation, also Gervais, are you gonna mention the compilation tape?

Ricky: Oh yeah, I was thinking of like, doing a little compilation tape, like we could play like some of our most loved and beautiful tunes, you could pick three, and we could play them back to back with no little segue in, no little idents and no speaking over the intro or outro, so they could tape 'em.

Steve: Well... yeah no, I'll stop you there Gervais, cos I think the idea's great,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But obviously it is against the law for anybody to tape...

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Those tracks.

Ricky: So get it ready, and we'll tell you when, and we'll leave a little gap so *click* press that record and then you can have three in a row, like I'd choose something like, I think I'd choose um, Let Down off OK Computer, and that'd go nicely into Suffer Little Children by The Smiths, and then finish with After The Gold Rush, Neil Young, three there, and then- no, next week I'll play another three, like what would you play, your three?

Steve: Well I'd probably play something by uhh, I dunno, who knows? REM maybe?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Bit of REM, classics, some New Order or something like that.

Ricky: So yours would be more like a sort of classic indie dance,

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Tape maybe.

Steve: The Happy Mondays.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The Happy Mondays'll have a feature.

Ricky: Sort of party, party, yeah.

Steve: And well of course I would stress again Gervais that it is against the law,

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: For people to hit 'play' and 'record' and tape those tracks.

Ricky: So we're doing that a bit later so get a blank cassette now and we'll be doing that what, shall we do that about 5?

Steve: Well obviously we won't be doing it cos it is against the law.

Ricky: Okay, we'll do that at 5 then. After the break, Terrorvision.

Song: Terrorvision -

Unlikely Visitors for Coma Patients

Ricky: XFM, London's only alternative.

Steve: Yeah-

Ricky: We've had a few suggestions... what's that, "Janette"... what's that say, "Janette... Krawlie"? "Dressed as a woman"?

Emma: No!

Ricky: What?

Emma: Krankie!

Ricky: Oh yeah! It's your writing, Emma. "Janette Krankie dressed as a woman rather than a small child."

Steve: G- ohh, God!

Ricky: That would be frightening, wouldn't it?

Steve: That was grotesque! Ohh...

Ricky: They sleep together.

Steve: I keep-

Ricky: They sleep together!

Steve: I know! Don't you think that's my worst nightmare?

Ricky: Imagine that. Ohh God.

Steve: Ohh.

Ricky: "Kenny Dalglish"... ohh God. "Dr. Fox", oh that's- mm... nothing wrong with Dr. Fox. Um... "Whitney Houston"? That's harsh, but fair.

Steve: Ohh...

Ricky: Aww...

Steve: Janette Krankie!

Ricky: Dressed as a wo- maybe trying to look a bit beautiful.

Steve: I know, that's what I can't understand, but what was he thinking, did he see her and chat her up in a club or something and then later discoevered that she looks great dressed as a boy, or, they'd start off-

Ricky: They were at that sort of club.

Steve: Or did they start off doing that schtick-

Ricky: We'll leave it there-

Steve: Probably fell in love-

Ricky: We'll leave it there! He wouldn't have said that! He knew it was a woman, he only likes the company and sex with women, no- just her, it's his wife, so-

Steve: Yeah but how-

Ricky: No!

Steve: How could you-

Ricky: No!

Steve: How could you only- how could you fall in love with that woman?

Ricky: Um...

Steve: Come on!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Look at the woman, she's short, she's squat, she's weird looking,

Ricky: Yeah... yeah? Right...?

Steve: Wait a minute-

Ricky: Your point being, Steve?

Steve: If there's a chance for her...

Ricky: Well, we could-

Steve: Maybe I just need to start dressing up as schoolchildren.

Ricky: Oh, think of that. We're gonna start off now so get ready to press 'play' and 'record' on your tape, this is Steve's little compilation, we're gonna kick off with a secret track by REM, aren't we?

Steve: That's right but can I just stress again that you shouldn't hit 'play' and 'record' because it is illegal to do so.

Ricky: Okay I'm gonna fade myself down now, so there'll be no talking on this bit. Okay?

Song: REM - Superman

Song: Electronic - Getting Away With It

Song: Gomez - Get Myself Arrested

Steve’s Compilation

Ricky: Well, that was three in a row there, that's Steve's choice for your compilation tape, REM, Electronic and Gomez but Steve, Read out um, spell it for them and read out the title so they can get a pen and write it down for the label of the cassette.

Steve: No, I told you before Gervais, it's illegal for them to have taped those songs.

Ricky: So what was it, it was REM,

Steve: No we- alright you can take these down but do not write them in the inlay card of the Ricky Gervais Compilation because you're not allowed.

Ricky: Okay, yeah.

Steve: Alright, it's as simple as that.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: But the three tracks, just for your own knowledge, okay,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And if you've got a pen handy and you need to take them down then grab a pen now but the three tracks were: Superwoman by REM,

Ricky: "REM", how are you spelling that, Steve?

Steve: That's 'R',

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Capital 'R' I should say,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Capital 'E',

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Capital 'M'.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: REM and the track Superwoman.

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Steve: And that's a secret track on the album Lifes Rich Pageant.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Alright, the second track-

Ricky: Put that in brackets.

Steve: (laughs) The second track was a classic single from Electronic,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Spelling that in the usual manner.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the track was Getting Away With It.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: That's "Getting Away With It".

Ricky: Yeah. It's not "Gettin'" - apostrophe, N-apostrophe,

Steve: No it's not-

Ricky: So put the whole word-

Steve: GETTING Away With It,

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Steve: And finally there of course, Gomez from their current album and the track Get Myself Arrested.

Ricky: That's G-O-M-E-Z.

Steve: That's right.

Steve vs. Fraser

Ricky: XFM 104.9 just gone 5 o'clock. Little boy Fraser was on the phone to do with Steve's compilation, he says "Well 1 - that REM track is called Superman not "Superwoman" okay? And 2 - It's clearly listed on the CD itself, it's not a secret track at all.

Steve: I'll stop you there, Gervais.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: I'll stop you there straight away, alright? Now little boy Fraser for those who don't know, he's sort of one of the big sort of music bods here, he's sort of involved with the library, records, he's to do with the playlist, all the rest of it,

Ricky: He's 16 years old and his mum- he wants to come in every day but his mum says "No, you've gotta have a day off, you don't get paid, they're taking you for a ride."

Steve: Exactly. And even though he's very young, he claims to know a lot about music, but I'll tell, you here he's embarrassed himself. Right, I've got the CD-

Ricky: He's incontinent as well.

Steve: I have got the CD in front of me, now I don't know which issue or which you know, I'm sure he's got the original vinyl release signed by the band or whatever, I'm looking at the copy here right, and this one tallies with the copy that I've got at home Gervais,

Ricky: Yeah, it tallies.

Steve: I'm opening up the CD here, I'm looking at the sleeve which I assume is - and I'll be honest, I am assuming - is a reproduction of the original sleeve, you know the original artwork, and you'll notice that nowhere does it mention the track SuperWOMAN as I like to call it, you'll notice that it's got all ten tracks there.

Ricky: I'm just checking that...

Steve: And the last track you'll notice-

Ricky: Ooh, Steve seems to be right, it's just got a little 'plus',

Steve: A little 'plus' suggesting there might be another hidden track,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: The clue, yeah, is in the plus, ooh, little boy Fraser seems to be wrong now.

Steve: So on the sleeve you'll notice there's no mention-

Ricky: He's taken off his dad's shell suit and throwing it down in disgust, he's just left there in his pants at the moment.

Steve: There's no mention of the track on the inlay sleeve,

Ricky: No, th-

Steve: The only mention of the track itself is on the CD,

Ricky: Hold on...

Steve: They've listed all um, 12 tracks,

Ricky: I'm just gonna confirm this... and it says Superwoman.

Steve: It says Superwoman-

Ricky: 2 minutes 50.

Steve: As track 12.

Ricky: Well little boy Fraser seems to have embarrassed himself.

Steve: Now I don't know you see, maybe he's right, maybe in the great scheme of things, Stipe has suggested that it is actually called Superman and that it's not to be known as a hidden track, alright?

Ricky: Right.

Steve: I'm just going by the facts, the evidence, Gervais. 01715802000, whose side are you on?

Ricky: Who's right, little boy incontinent Fraser or ugly boy lizard-man Steve? The choice is yours.

Steve: Yeah well let's not sort of try and bias the vote if we can, alright?

Ricky: Okay yeah, cos they'll fall for that, but what do they write on the inlay of their cassette, the people who've been taping it?

Steve: Well that's very much the difficult question at the moment and that's hopefully what perhaps Michael Stipe or one of the other members-

Ricky: Well I've caught you out because they shouldn't be writing anything cos they shouldn't be taping off the radio, Steve.

Steve: You're right.

Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine

Steve the Lizoidian

Ricky: If You'll Be Mine by Babybird. Steve's singing along there to Babybird.

Steve: Shalalala...

Ricky: Which is ironic because when you sing, you're putting your head back and your mouth's open, you look like a baby bird.

Steve: Do I?

Ricky: Yeah cos the long neck and that sort of goiter thing youve got, you look like a sort of fledgling... pelican.

Steve: And the worms of course, hanging from my mouth.

Ricky: Yeah. But it's ironic as well because- cos you're like a lizoidian as well,

Steve: (laughs) Is that a real word?

Ricky: (laughing) No! No.

Steve: "Cos you're a 'lizoidian'!" Oh right, of course.

Ricky: (laughs) Don't! Cos I use- I sometimes forget that they're not real words.

Steve: You sometimes forget that you- your language comes from the voices inside your head!

Ricky: (laughs) No listen-

Steve: "I use my own language! They tell me what to say and I say it."

Ricky: No listen, you're sort of like a hmm, little, "Myeeehh", little bird-like lizoidian thing, right, which is like the Archaeopteryx, like the link between- before sort of lizard-man... turned flight! (laughs)

Steve: Goodness me.

Ricky: They've kicked in again. They've kicked in early. They're not meant to start for about an hour.

Steve: What, the voices?

Ricky: No, the tablets. Right, go on.

Steve: Anyway, you know that I put out that little appeal there, I wanted to find out if my view of the REM track Superwoman was correct or whether little boy Fraser was right, uh, is Emma still there, is Emma disappeared

Ricky: She's gone, she's got the results.

Steve: Oh there she is, yeah she's got the stats there and we've had calls coming in saying who's right, um... oh hang on, so Emma, you can corroborate it, who was right there, who was right, was it me or was it little boy Fraser?

Emma: Sorry Fraser it was Steve.

Steve: Haha! And I believe I'm right in saying that no calls came in supporting Fraser.

Ricky: ...No, you're right. You are right, yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: But why do you gloat over a little kid who's like helping us out, doesn't get paid for it, has got a problem with his intestines and bowel movements,

Steve: I'll tell you, you don't argue with me-

Ricky: He goes through shell suits like Liverpudlians and you know, you're glo- he's sitting there now he's probably taken off his pants angry, he's just got his mum's shoes on now and he's furious.

Steve: Fraser, little word of advice right, don't start on me until you've got pubic hair!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Alright, now listen, um...

Ricky: That is so... at least he's got a girlfriend.

Steve: All I would say though-

Ricky: At least HE'S got a girlfriend! That old lady with the flat head and no teeth outside Goodge Street.

Steve: Better than nothing?

Ricky: (laughs) Better than nothing.

Steve: Anyway listen, before we carry on-

Ricky: It's perfect for him.

Steve: Before we carry on,

Ricky: What?

Steve: Um, also I want- my celebrity relation, I wanna mention that in a second.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And something else, you've got something else haven't you?

Ricky: Oh I've got my three compilations that you can tape off the radio.

Steve: Your three tracks-

Ricky: But don't cos it's illegal.

Steve: Don't tape them cos they're illegal.

Ricky: No, this is one of my favourite tracks that we've ever put on the playlist this is Robert Pollard and Make Use.

Steve: Let's hear it, let's hear it.

Song: Robert Pollard - Make Use

Steve’s Celebrity Relation

Ricky: XFM 104.9 just coming up to quarter past 5, well, this isn't looking so good for you Steve.

Steve: Oh, right, go on.

Ricky: Um, because one guy's faxed in "On my copy of Lifes Rich Pageant, the track you played earlier is listed as Superman not Superwoman on the CD, are REM manufacturing different editions of the album, or yet more gender problems on your show?" And there's another guy who phoned and said "Definitely, definitely Fraser is right", he's got it on vinyl. And I think vinyl wins over CD so Fraser has won.

Ricky starts the next track

Steve: No, whoa whoa, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Ricky: What?

Steve: No, that's- no, I'm not gonna settle for that for goodness sake! It's just once again an example of the fact you can't let me get anyth- you can't let me win anything.

Ricky: No.

Steve: On this bloody show.

Ricky: Cos you don't deserve it, cos you're a horrible little... amphibiloid sort of...

Steve: Little amphibiloid?

Ricky: Yeah, a little creature, little lizoidian scale-creck.

Steve: Right, yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Little... horrible little... sleet-blungin.

Steve: A sleet-blungin?

Ricky: You are!

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You're a scaly little sleet-blungin.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're a phmaoid amphibrit.

Steve: That doesn't- that doesn't - Gervais - wipe out the fact that,

Ricky: What?

Steve: I'm correct as far as REM's concerned, we've had a lot of calls supporting me,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, until we get word- until we get word-

Ricky: That CD that's obviously-

Steve: Whoa, I'll stop you there-

Ricky: Like yourself, a little bit malfunctioning... amscraglent!

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Until we get word from REM themselves alright, clearing this up, I'm not taking no for an answer.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: I wish I knew what that sentence meant.

Ricky: (laughs) I wasn't even listening.

Steve: No I know you weren't. I could have said anything there.

Ricky: Umm... what were we talking about?

Steve: Celebrity, my celebrity relation.

Ricky: Oh, go on.

Steve: I may as well tell you now cos I've been trailing it and it's not that exciting.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: It's really not that exciting but anyway, my celebrity relation is, drum roll please!

Ricky: No, who is it? Orville?

Steve: (laughing) No.

Ricky: Um... uh... Godzilla.

Steve: No, what the famous amphibiloid?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Steve: Godzilla.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: No it's not Godzilla, right,

Ricky: Who is it?

Steve: My famous celebrity-

Ricky: Who is it, what's the relation first?

Steve: 2nd cousin.

Ricky: 2nd cousin, now what is that?

Steve: I don't know, maybe it's 3rd cousin.

Ricky: Well-

Steve: It's 2nd cousin, I think it's 2nd.

Ricky: In Bristol that could be sister, can't it?

Steve: 2nd cousin right, is, you won't believe this, Sara from Bananarama.

Ricky: Is it really?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Is it really,

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: So she's your 2nd or 3rd cousin.

Steve: Well no, she's a relation.

Ricky: Does she know this?

Steve: Yes... no.

Ricky: She doesn't know?

Steve: She doesn't know who I am but I know who she is.

Ricky: Anyone from the er... the 'Nanas listening, give us a call, deny it, embarrass him again.

Steve: No this is true this, she was a bridesmaid at my mother's wedding.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: How old was she?

Steve: Um oh, I don't know... 12-

Ricky: Which one is it, Sara?

Steve: She's the blonde haired one.

Ricky: Yeah I know, they all had blonde hair at one time except for Karen who was replaced by another dark haired- how many are in Bananarama now? They're back together again, aren't they?

Steve: Are they?

Ricky: I dunno.

Steve: Who cares.

Ricky: Swervedriver. No! I know, I'll... play an ad break, (giggles) and then Swervedriver, I've... a whole new idea.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: After this ad break, I'm gonna press this button.

Steve: Great, you crazy amphibiloid.

Song: Swervedriver -

YOU FAT IMBECILE!

Ricky: Well, I've got you Steve, you've been proved wrong,

Steve: No I haven't.

Ricky: No you have, beyond doubt, little boy Fraser has called up and Dan Sayer called independently to back this up, it's not even an REM song, they've covered it by- it's a band called The Clique, a psychedelic band from the late 60s, early 70s, and it was called Superman, so I don't care what REM say, it's called Superman.

Steve: I'll stop you there, Gervais, right. The fact that REM are now calling it Superwoman, that's between REM and Clique. Alright, if they wanna get together and have a scrap, that's fair enough.

Ricky: So if I completely cover a song exactly the same, just cover it like um, Love, Love Me DON'T by the Beatles, that's fine, is it?

Steve: I-

Ricky: Love, Love Me Don't, yeah.

Steve: I never once-

Ricky: There's an exam- okay, yeah.

Steve: Gervais whoa, listen, just shut up for a second-

Ricky: Sheila In The Sky With Diamonds.

Steve: Shut the- shut-

Ricky: By Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Shut up for just one second.

Ricky: Go on, yeah.

Steve: The argument was, what should people put on their cassette tape compilation inlay card,

Ricky: It's illegal!

Steve: Which they're not allowed to do,

Ricky: It's illegal!

Steve: I agree they're not allowed to do that,

Ricky: Right.

Steve: But, I was offer- you asked me to tell them what they should put down, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm telling you, the track we played was recorded by REM.

Ricky: Yes it was.

Steve: Not Clique.

Ricky: No, that's right.

Steve: So don't write "Clique" down.

Ricky: No, no, write "REM" down.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: How are you spelling that?

Steve: That's correct.

Ricky: How are you spelling that?

Steve: That's capital R, capital E, capital M.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Right? And, you wanna put down the name of the track as recorded by REM.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They've called it Superwoman, right? I don't care if it's really called Superman in the world of the Clique,

Ricky: Hold on, I'll stop you there!

Steve: In the world of the Clique it might be-

Ricky: You don't care if it's really- why are we having this argument, you do care or you wouldn't be arguing!

Steve: No-

Ricky: You do care- no no no-

Steve: No, you're saying I'm wrong!

Ricky: You- you- you are!

Steve: I'M NOT WRONG!

Ricky: IT'S CALLED SUPERMAN!

Steve: ONLY BY THE CLIQUE IT'S CALLED SUPERMAN,

Ricky: NO!

Steve: BY REM IT'S CALLED SUPERWOMAN!

Ricky: No! They can't-

Steve: Yes it is!

Ricky: They can't change-

Steve: THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT!

Ricky: Sometimes! Sometimes they call it Superman, make your mind up at least!

Steve: They call it Superwoman!

Ricky: Are you sure they're called REM, or have they changed that?

Steve: THEY CALL IT SUPERWOMAN YOU TOSSER!

Ricky: How are you spelling that?

Steve: That's S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N. YOU IDIDOT, YOU FAT IMBECILE.

Ricky: Um, I'm gonna do my compilation now, so get ready to press 'play' and 'record', um,

Steve: You- By the way you can't do that, it is against the law.

Ricky: Yeah I know, yeah. Right I'm gonna start off with this, I'll just fade myself down and start the track, okay?

Steve: You tosser.

Ricky: Keep quiet.

Steve: (sighs)

Ricky: Keep quiet.

Song: Radiohead - Let Down

Steve Cons the Government

Steve: Seriously they come round to your house,

Ricky: Was it a woman?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You... you sure you weren't lying, just phoning them up saying "Um, I'm... conning you again, I'm signing on!"

Steve: "You better send someone round!"

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah!

Steve: "I saw a lovely woman, she was sat behind desk 3, I think you better send her round, otherwise I'll get violent."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's true, she came round, she said "Mr. Merchant, are you claiming money while working?" And I said "Come in, my dear, let's discuss it-"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "Let's discuss it over a drink."

Ricky: (slam) "The wind's shut the door." "Don't worry about that." (hums romantic music) "Champ-" *pop* *glug glug glug*

Steve: Unwrapped my robe.

Ricky: Yeah, to reveal a scaly body with hairs.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Ohh, fantastic.

Steve: I spent about three months inside, I think.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: Yeah, and I'm still paying off the fine.

Song: The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Getting Quite Tearful

Ricky: The Smiths, I had to get one in, didn't I?

Steve: Of course you did.

Ricky: 20 minutes to go. "Two lovers entwined pass me by, and heaven knows I'm miserable now."

Steve: Can't relate to it.

Ricky: No?

Steve: Can't relate to it.

Ricky: You don't feel miserable when you see sort of two people together?

Steve: Doesn't mean anything to me.

Ricky: Two humans?

Steve: No idea what that means.

Ricky: Okay, alright.

Steve: No idea what that feels like. Gervais, I'm getting quite tearful.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I suppose so, yeah.

Steve: It's twenty minutes, I mean we've given ourselves- we've given a lot to XFM.

Ricky: Yeah.

Both snigger

Ricky: We were just sort of getting started as well, I know what all the buttons do now, we were sort of getting a formula,

Steve: It's a shame you know, your lessons were going well, you know, you'd begun to grasp the basics of grammar,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I think you moved on to Jack and Jill,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, the sentences were beginning to come out in roughly the right order,

Ricky: I know.

Steve: It's a shame, it is a shame.

Ricky: Still, there'll be other radio stations.

Steve: Name one.

Ricky: I- well, I'm gonna send a demo to Capital.

There Must Be Some Highlights

Ricky: 18 minutes Steve, 18 minutes. I was playing that one when we first came on air, back in September.

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: Came a long way since then. Cor, the times we've had, eh?

Steve: We've had a few laughs, few tears.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What- what- what have we done?

Ricky: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Steve: There must be some- there must be some highlights... (makes noises)

Song: David Bowie - Heroes

15 Minutes To Go

Ricky: 15 minutes to go.

Steve: Gervais we're 'heroes' to some people.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: No, we are!

Ricky: Yeah, the sort of people who wonder round my yard with shit in their underpants going "Tie a big knot in my pants."

Steve: (laughs) It's always been a shame, I always think it's a shame that the people that would enjoy this show,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, are less likely to spend their money on radios, more likely to spend their cash on meths.

Ricky: Or even understand that a voice coming from a small box,

Steve: Yeah, is not the voice of-

Ricky: Which is a good trick if you can do it.

Steve: Shut up!

Ricky: Um, so uh, that's it, 15 minutes to go.

Steve: Yup, yup.

Ricky: We've had some good times, we had my 'Penis Puppet Theater',

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: That didn't take off, did it?

Steve: No.

Ricky: That would have been a winner.

Steve: That would have been fantastic. Kids all around the country.

Ricky: Sticking their little John Thomas through a little hole, "Dick Turpin",

Steve: Ohoh, what else did we have?

Ricky: "Of Mice And Members".

Steve: "Howard's End".

Ricky: "Robocock", all you need's a little bit of tin foil.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: That didn't take off.

Steve: That never really worked.

Ricky: Well we've tried to launch Wesley Willis's career though haven't we?

Steve: Wesley, have you got any Wesley?

Ricky: Yeah hold on, let's have a look.

Foo Fighters by Wesley Willis is played

Steve: Which one's this?

Ricky: Can't you tell, they're all different, listen.

The song continues

Ricky: See, what you've done there, you've made the mistake of ridiculing a 250 pound schizophrenic.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Well we've mocked many people in our time, Gervais. We've mocked foreigners,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, mongs, schizophrenics,

Ricky: Well we've saved mongs for the last show to be fair.

Steve: True enough, yeah, we went out with a blaze of glory.

Ricky: And we didn't mock them, one of them was actually just in an anecdote, which is not my fault.

Steve: But they're all pretty laughable.

Ricky: I don't make the rules, I don't rewrite history, this is my life, you know what I mean? I have very little control... I have very little control over my bodily functions.

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: So fate is out of the window.

Steve: You're talking gobbledegook.

Ricky: (sighs) But I'm not going down alone mate, I'm taking Sturgess down, this has really bollocksed up her ads, listen to this.

A fake dirty advert featuring Claire Sturgess is played

Police Are Combing the Area

Matt: Michal Schumacher's won the British Grand Prix in a very confusing finish-

Ricky: Matt, sorry, Matt, can I stop you there, haven't you got any like, fun stories?

Steve: Yeah Matt, haven't you got any sort of like, Two Ronnies style news stories?

Matt: No, there's no fun! There's news, there's no fun!

Steve: Or, you know, Two Ronnies style like, you know, "A man with a meat cleaver has been terrorising nudist colonies, inspector Wilson of Scotland Yard has had a tip off but he expects to be on duty tomorrow."

Ricky: Or like, "Scotland yard had all of its toilets stolen, police have nothing to go on."

Steve: That's what we want, that's what everyone's after.

Matt: Oh, right, no, nothing as interesting as that I'm afraid.

Ricky: Okay go on-

Steve: No, carry on

Ricky: Carry on as you were, sorry.

Matt: Okay, right. XFM news with nothing really silly, I'm Matt Johnson.

Steve: That was good. It was alright, yeah, you want stuff like you know um, "A lorry load of wigs has crashed on the M4, police are combing the area. That's what we're after.

Matt: (laughs)

Ricky: Um, you're in news, can you libel the dead?

Matt: Umm, I'd rather steer clear of any controversial comments if you don't mind.

Ricky: Okay. No no, I didn't mean you, I didn't expect you to.

Matt: I don't think you can but I'm... I'm not sure.

Ricky: Excellent. What d'you think of Doris Stokes?

Matt: Um, I think she was a very talented lady who brought joy to a lot of people.

Ricky: That's fantastic.

Steve: So you don't think she's a prostitute?

Matt: Uh, absolutely not.

Ricky: Okay, this is Lou Reed and Satellite Of Love.

Song: Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love

No More Smut on the Radio

Ricky: Lou Reed, Satellite- that's all we were Steve, just satellites.

Steve: Just satellites orbiting around the mighty space station of XFM, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Ricky: No, I didn't think that you could carry it that much further.

Steve: No, no. Still that's the end, you know, no more cheap knob gags on a Sunday afternoon.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No more sort of swearing-

Ricky: Smut on the radio, breaking every radio authority that there ever was.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Good times, eh?

Steve: We've had a few laughs, few tears.

Ricky: Shall we go to the pub and get back to where we were before this strange dream ever started?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: At the bridge in Waterloo.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: John Kennedy's up next.

Steve: He should be fun.

Ricky: What's he doing in here?

Steve: Who knows.

Ricky: He's not usually up at this time.

Steve: It's been a pleasure, Gervais.

Ricky: With his vinyl and his trendy bags and things.

Steve: It's been a pleasure.

Ricky: See you later, man.

Steve: Yeah.