23 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 23 February 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Posh Toffs Coming or 9000 Points to Cut Peter Stringfellow’s Hair

Ricky: Starsailor, Poor Misguided Fool. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: The K-Man. Round of applause for the K-Man.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, but, no one’s announced who you are.

Ricky: Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: This is Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Saturday afternoon. If you didn’t know that, I don’t know why I mentioned it. That was stupid, really, you must know that by now.

Ricky: Well, we’ve got some great things comin’ up,

Steve: Haven’t we.

Ricky: We’ve got songs and chat and things.

Steve: We’ll also of course be um, running through the White Van Man questions from The Sun again. This time Karl will be answering them. I’m looking forward to that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Can we do that fairly soon? Oh – there’s some good questions this week.

Ricky: Yeah. But first, um, as I was comin’ in, there was a bunch of, um, posh lads. University students, trying to get in, ‘cause they’re doing one of those um, uh, scavenger hunts. That they have to get points for charity, do stuff, and one of theirs is get on a live radio show,

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So I sort of, sort of felt sorry for ‘em, so I said they could come on here. Just for 5 minutes.

Steve: Who are they?

Ricky: Uh, they’re just, um -

Steve: Are they toffs?

Ricky: They are sorta like toffs, but they’re trendy toffs, they’re obviously -

Steve: Trendy toffs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that like Lady Victoria Hervey.

Ricky: No, I don’t mean that, no. They’re, they’re both sort of like that um, Will, off Pop Idol.

Steve: Right, right right.

Ricky: They’re like, a little like him. Sort of like posh. They seem nice enough, and they’re doing it for cancer charity, and um, they get –

Steve: They’ve got to do what, is it like they’re sponsored to do various,

Ricky: Exactly. I don’t know how it works, but they’re gonna come on and, ‘cause we get, for comin’ on this live radio show, they get 17,000 points. If I can put that in context,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they were to say, to help deliver a baby, they only get 7250 points.

Steve: Right. But it’s much easier.

Ricky: It is. There’s lot- there’s lots of women happily droppin’ sprogs all over the place. You can’t get on a live radio show these days for love nor money.

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: Know ‘ I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So um,

Steve: When are they coming in?

Ricky: Um, Karl said they were gonna just ..

Karl: 1, 1, 1:30. I had a word with them.

Steve: All right, and what do you make of them?

Karl: They are posh.

Steve: Really.

Karl: But, they said they were gonna wander about and go and and see if they can deliver a baby and then come back here for 1:30.

Steve: I hope they don’t like leave a baby sort of half out, you know. They’ve got it, you know, Pushpushpush- Sorry, we’re gonna have to shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah. We’ve got to play an instrument in a marching band for 8,500 points.

Steve Laughs

Karl: Well I did say be here definitely for 1:30 ‘cause I didn’t want it gettin’ in the way of the White van questions.

Steve: Sure, sure.

Ricky: And the other thing is, right, they get 7,500 points for deliverin’ a baby, but they get 9000 points if they cut Peter Stringfellow’s hair.

Steve: Well … he’s, he’s very precious about his hair.

Ricky: It’s a more delicate operation, isn’t it. There’s more that can go wrong.

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: (reading) Take an unconventional animal for a walk in a park.

Steve: What’s an unconventional animal.

Ricky: I think that can be a dog that just doesn’t play by the rules.

Steve: Yeah, that’s a dog that’s into Slipknot.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah! That used to – that wees in a urinal.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yeah. Exactly.

Ricky: Standing up. Well, I’m looking forward to that.

Steve: Well, no, I’m sure they’re lovely guys. Good luck to them.

Ricky: Yeah. We’ll see you later.

Song: ?

The Twat In the Hat or The Pork Pie Gone Awry

Ricky: Karl’s all confused ‘cause it didn’t tell you it’s ending, did it. What is that, a sort of glitch in the –

Steve: Careful they might start swearin’. You know what they’re like.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Rock stars. Their blue language.

Ricky: Yeah, and all their habits and that.

Steve: Ohhh.

Ricky: Yeah, it says Track Ending Now.

Steve: Stop talkin’ about it! That’s – that’s, you’re givin’ away all the secrets, of radio, an’ that. People think it’s like an old piece of vinyl that we’ve put on a needle, you know, like those old bits of footage of Tony Blackburn. That’s what they think it’s like, and they don’t realise there’s computers doin’ it all! Rick, you’re showin’ ‘em behind the curtain! Never do that.

Ricky: I won’t, I won’t.

Steve: Don’t do that, mate.

Ricky: Um, in the week, I called Karl up, said How are ya, mate. Not too bad. Um, now as you know, his girlfriend’s been away, for ages, hasn’t she. Coverin’ the World Cup. The Africa-

Karl: African Nations.

Ricky: African Nations, yeah. She’s a sport journalist.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: All right.

Steve Laughs

Steve: I love the fact that you’re thinkin,’ Well, she’s not that much of a journalist, Rick, to be honest. I’ve read some of her stuff.

Karl: No, but she’s not there, she does stuff,

Steve: Behind the scenes?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Suresuresure.

Karl: Not a journalist who, (mumbles) You’re not goin’ out with Kate Adie. That’s what you want to make clear, innit. Yeah. Um, now, so she, she’s seen none of the meteoric rise of Karl, as a broadcaster –

Steve: Right. She’s been away the whole time –

Ricky: A raconteur, a wit, um, a cult figure, to be honest. And he hadn’t, he hadn’t told her this. So uh, apparently he went home and she was sittin’ there, and he went, Alright? She went Yeah. He went Should we go out then? And she went, I’m not sure I want to go out with an idiot. All right?

Steve: Oh no!

Ricky: Yeah. Because, and, she went, Loch Ness Monster, why didn’t you think? Of course the Loch Ness Monster lives in Loch Ness. And she was givin’ him a bit of a hard time, and that’s why, he said, that’s why I, I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her, really. Same thing happened when I was at school and I had to play drums in Little Donkey.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I didn’t tell my parents, right? But my dad turned up anyway. And what happened?

Karl: He um,

Steve: How old were you, Karl?

Karl: Well, it was the school that I used to go to.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Wh- you used to go to the school you used to go to?

Karl: No, but what I mean is –

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I didn’t go to secondary, did I. So I missed out on all that.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But primary I liked, ‘cause it was all colorin’ in and stuff.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: And um, it was a Christmas play, and I managed to get a part in it,

Ricky: Did you audition?

Karl: Um, I got a part in it and I should’ve been playin’ the drums to – the one about kings.

Steve: We Three Kings.

Karl: Yeah. I was meant to be doin’ that, but Little Donkey, came on.

Ricky: What do you mean came on?

Karl: That was like next up on the – you know, the next song.

Steve: Right, right.

Karl: And the – it’s one of them songs that you can’t help, sort of,

Steve: Tappin’ along to.

Karl: Yeah. Do you know like um, if – if I was to go (knocks out ‘Shave and a Haircut’)

Steve: Yeah. You’d have to finish it with (knocks out ‘Two Bits’)

Karl: Yeah. Do you know that they actually send that into space.

Steve: Do they. What, hoping that aliens will respond with that.

Karl: Yeah. They do do that.

Ricky giggles

Karl: Because apparently, it is one of them things that you can’t help –

Steve: What, even for an alien life form? They know that, do they?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Yeah. But anyway,

Steve: What, ‘cause they watched Star Trek or something.

Ricky: No – (beeps) Knock Knock.

Steve and Karl laugh.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Seriously!

Ricky: Who’s there? (Monster voice) Oggyoggyoggy!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Aw, that is – that is great!

Karl: Seriously!

Ricky: (Knocks Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits). Hold on – there’s something out there! What’s that little green fellow?

Steve hee-hees

Ricky: That is great.

Karl: Yeah, so anyway, Little Donkey, Little Donkey is like one of them tunes that you can’t, and I was there, and I had the drumstick and I thought Oh God

Ricky: The drumstick!

Karl: I could feel meself –

Steve: Just wanted to do it, yeah.

Karl: Anyway, I started goin’ along, playin’ Little Donkey, which I wasn’t meant to do, but it went down such a storm,

Ricky explodes with laughter

Steve: What, were there people, like parents, and that, dozin’ of, and then suddenly they heard your version of Little Donkey and they thought, Wait a minute, now it’s really pickin’ up!

Ricky: What do you mean,

Steve: I’m glad we paid a pound fifty for this!

Ricky: What do you mean, it went down such a storm, was it like –

Steve: People had lighters in the air!

Ricky: When Ringo joined the Beatles and they were goin’ Boo, Pete Best – but he went (drums on desk) and they went Woah! Oh, God.

Karl: No, but the teacher just said, it went down really well, you can do that again tonight.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: But anyway, so me dad was there,

Steve: And you hadn’t told him about this performance, he just turned up.

Karl: No, I never told them about this stuff … So um, anyway, he turned up, don’t know why, he must’ve heard from someone else’s dad. He turned up, and um, he swore about me, which, I don’t –

Steve: Did he? Can you, could you use a word which –

Karl: Think it’s allowed to be said? The word?

Ricky: Wh? ‘Course it is.

Karl: All right. If you’ve got a kid in the car or anything, turn it down. Right. But he said, um, there was a guy stood next to him with a camera, big video camera, filmin’ it, and he said, Yeah, film it, but try and avoid gettin’ the twat in the hat. In the shot. ‘Cause I had one of those porters. You know those little round pork pie –

Steve: Right. Right.

Ricky: This is so sad!

Steve: Wh- was this a nativity play?

Karl: It was about Jesus and stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, well there was a porter there helpin’ him with his bags.

Steve: ‘Course there was. I forgot. Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, Mary and Joseph, they got there, yeahyeah, ‘cause the inn was full, but I think the porter doubled up with the inn and the stable.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So, he, yeah.

Steve: He’d carry the bags over,

Ricky: Yeah, and so he, yeah.

Karl: You’re right though, I don’t know why I was but I was, and uh,

Steve: And your father said that? And how did you know your father said that? Could you hear him?

Karl: He talked about it later.

Steve: Oh, you talked about it later.

Karl: Yeah, I was talkin’ about stuff I’d done at school and he said, Oh God. I spoke to him the other day about it.

Steve: Right. Oh God. So that was the end of your sort of drumming career, really. ‘Cause it could’ve been – the audience loved it the night before, you could’ve been on – who knows? A whole new world for you.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Have you done any – stuff?

Steve: I never drummed. I never drummed. I wish I had.

Ricky: But uh, that is, that is,

Steve: A moving story, but –

Ricky: And that’s why, but you don’t, tell, you still don’t, you mum and dad don’t think you’re on the radio, do they.

Karl: No, when they were down the other weekend, they had to come here I said I just go and push the buttons.

Ricky: ‘Cause they could listen on Sky Digital.

Karl: They could then.

Ricky: But you wouldn’t want that.

Karl: I wouldn’t want it.

Ricky: No. Play a record, I want to talk to you again in a little bit about this. Later.

Steve: Yeah.

Song: Princess Superstar – Bad Babysitter

What were the Things in Gremlins? or Right Van Man

Ricky: Princess Superstar, Bad Babysitter, first played on this show by Steve Merchant, by bad Steve Merchant,

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: By Steve “Scratch” Merchant. I mean, I still like that but the video’s put me off it a little bit, ‘cause it just, it makes it into the novelty record it always had the potential of being, d’y’know’I mean?

Steve: I agree. I agree. Although, I was never a bit fan of Babysitter – Bad Babysitter was not my favourite from the album.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: Um, if people want my interests and my views on hip hop then they can always email in, Rick.

Ricky: Or – or call you up at home.

Steve: Just give me a a ring at home, it’s no problem.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, or I’ll just pop out, you know, hang with ‘em. In the hood.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. Now it’s time for White Van Man.

Steve: White Van Man!

Ricky: Explain what it is.

Steve: Yeah, for those who don’t buy The Sun – they think it’s beneath them! Um, White Van Man is a column they have I think every day, actually, and they just get some kind of Joe Public to comment on the week’s news, and it seemed to me that it might be interesting to give Karl’s views on some of the events.

Ricky: Yeah. Not – not ‘cause we’re, not ‘cause we think that Karl hasn’t got a valid sort of viewpoint,

Steve: No!

Ricky: Because Karl sees the world differently to some people and that’s what’s interesting. You know like an artist does or a, or a,

Steve: Exactly. He’s very bohemian in his outlook.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Do you uh, do you feel that you’re up to scratch on this week’s news?

Karl: I don’t like this bit.

Ricky: Don’t ya?

Steve: Don’t – just relax!

Ricky: Why not?

Karl: It’s pressure.

Steve: Nonono – ‘cause you just have to give us your first opinion!

Ricky: The first – your honest answer, that’s all we’ve ever asked of you, Karl, and it’s all you’ve ever given us. Your honest, your first, from the heart, view, yeah? Don’t worry, just relax –

Steve: No, just chill out!

Ricky: Are you worried that people are listening and think you’re an idiot.

Karl: If me girlfriend’s listening now, go and have a wash or something.

Steve: Go and have a wash or something?

Ricky: Not very nice, is it!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: The opposite of Napoleon and Josephine!

Ricky: Yeah, go on – go on – If you’re gonna visit me again Josephine, for Christ’s sake, wash.

Steve: I’ll lead you in with something fairly easy – a, a music-based question. Um, Kylie Minogue vs. Dido as Queen of the Brits. What’s your view there.

Karl: Um,

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Go and have a wash!

Karl: It doesn’t really matter, does it. Um,

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It doesn’t really matter!

Steve: What doesn’t really matter?

Karl: With the Brits. I was watchin’ it the other night, and um, I think Kylie will be a good lookin’ old woman.

Ricky explodes with laugher

Steve Laughs

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Do you know, do you ever do that, sort of see people –

Ricky: Steve, I wanna celebrate with you – every time he opens – says something like that – I was us to open a bottle of champagne,

Steve: I know what you mean, yeah.

Ricky: D’y’know what mean? It’s like we did that.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: No, but, do you do that, though. Look at people, and -- another person who springs to mind – Jenny Powell. I don’t think she’s that good lookin’ now.

Steve: Who’s Jenny Powell? Is she that girl that used to be the assistant on Wheel of Fortune?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, I think she’s a bit over the top for a young woman, but when she gets older, I think she’ll look quite -

Steve: Be a bit of a stunner.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So for you, Kylie Minogue – whereas you don’t feel that about Dido, is that right?

Karl: She’s all right, she’s normal. I prefer Kylie’s sister. To Kylie.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: She looks – you know. I could imagine her being hard work to live with.

Steve: Who, Kylie? Right.

Karl: Washin’ up and that.

Steve: Right, sure.

Ricky laughs and speaks incoherently

Steve: Ha-ha. And what do you make of, uh, taxes rising in the next budget to pay for NHS improvements.

Karl: Well me dad went to hospital to have an operation once so, I feel like it’s worth payin’ it, ‘cause,

Ricky: Yeah. ‘Cause people might have to go to hospital. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, no, it makes a change when it’s someone in your family, dunnit. ‘Cause you sort of realise -

Ricky: Yeah. Change as good as the rest.

Karl: And the weird thing is, if it wa’nt for me dad, I wouldn’t be here doin’ this show, ‘cause when he was in hospital,

Ricky: Well, no – I’ll stop you there –

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: To be honest,

Steve: If it weren’t for your dad, uou wouldn’t be here true, but,

Karl: No, no, but this was after I was born. So, I would be here.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But his more direct involvement was what.

Karl: Yeah. Because when, when me mom was seein’ me dad in hospital, I got a bit bored, went for a wander, found the hospital radio station,

Ricky: Yeah,

Karl: And got a gig.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: So, in a real sense, if it wasn’t for Karl’s dad, Karl wouldn’t be – here.

Steve: And did your dad, like while he was listenin’ to you, did he sort of tap the nurse and go, Can you get that twat off the air.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Who’s put him in that hat?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Oh, go on.

Steve: What do you make of the real-life Mowgli who’s surviving in a Transylvanian countryside. Apparently, I don’t know much about this story. You know Mowgli, he’s the one off of The Jungle Book, yeah, the kid that grew up with bears and animals and stuff. Apparently there’s a real-life one in Transylvania.

Karl: What were the things in Gremlins?

Steve: What were the what? In Gremlins they were called Gremlins.

Ricky: Well – wait wait wait wait wait – Ok, this is the example, this is what your girlfriend said. Think: what were the things in Gremlins called.

Karl: I can’t remember. It’s something like that, isn’t it.

Ricky: Just - I mean really, nono, wait wait wait wait wait, just really, really think now, Karl, just with all – with everything you’ve ever – with all the brainpower you’ve ever used, think what the things in Gremlins were called.

Karl: It’s not there.

Steve: There’s a clue here.

Karl: Oh no.

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl smiles

Ricky: What?

Karl: Gremlins!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Play a record, Karl.

Song: ?

trail: This is Xfm.

Mark and James or Skoe and Belch

Ricky: Well, we’re back, and there’s a few more people here.

Steve: It’s absolutely. Well done. Well observed.

Ricky: Do you want to say hello, or,

boys: Hi guys.

Ricky: And what are you doing here.

boy: Uh, we’re, this is Mark and James, Skoe and Belch, and we’re here -

Steve: Sorry – what?

boy: Skoe and Belch.

Steve: Do you want to explain that?

boy: Uh, no,

Steve: Ohh, from the drinking games, I imagine!

Ricky: Yeah. Ohh.

boy: We’ve got worse names than that, but, it’s the radio, so.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Now you’re, presumably um, students?

boy: Well, we’re just, we just, well we kind of graduated and we’ve been working about a year or two.

Ricky: And what do you do.

boy: Um, well I work for a management consultancy,

boy: I work for a distribution company up in Birmingham.

Ricky: Well Ok, now what you’re doing, a, a scavenger hunt and you’re raising for um, uh uh cancer, charity,

boy: Cancer research, yep.

Ricky: Right, and you’ve got to do, and this is, we’re we’re, just help me out here, ‘cause, for 17,000 points you’ve got to get live on a TV or radio show.

boy: That’s exactly it!

boy: So here we are.

boy: That’s why we’re here.

Steve: Do you – do you ever listen to Xfm?

boy: Uh, I know of it. Yeah, I’ve, I listen to it a few times.

Steve: Sure. What kind of music – what kind of sounds would you normally be into?

boy: Uh,

boy: I love cheesy radio, sort of school disco, sort of ‘80s,

Steve: Sure, sure. Sorry – what was your name again?

boy: Mark, or Skoe.

Steve: Skoe. Ok. And you’re –

boy: Belch.

Steve: Belch.

the boys giggle

Steve: Um, and what sort of sounds would you be groovin’ to, Belch?

boy: Uh, cheesy,

Steve: UK garage?

boy: Um, well,

Steve: Craig David.

boy: A bit of house, just reggae occasionally, bit of cheese. Depends on what kind of mood I’m in.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Um, now, you, you don’t listen much but you, I mean, Kiss a Celeb. ‘Cause Karl –

boy: We actually wanted to do that with you, Ricky, is that all right?

Ricky: No, no,

Steve: That’s not gonna happen with Ricky, but you know Karl’s now got his name mentioned in Heat Magazine,

boy: Is that right? Well that’s brilliant!

Steve: If you want to snog Karl, we’d love to see that.

boy: We don’t to snog Karl, but we were thinkin’ if there was a female presenter here, we might be able to do something, but um,

Karl: What are you sayin’?

all tittle

Ricky: A female placenta?

boy: Well, if you’ve got one.

the boys laugh

Steve: Have you seen some of the female presenters that work on Xfm?

the boys laugh

boy: Is that why they’re on radio?

Steve: Quite.

Ricky: Oh – presenter! I thought you said placenta.

Steve: That’s unlikely.

Ricky: I know. Um, now what’s the other things you’ve got to do here?

Steve: What are some of the things you’ve done already?

Ricky: Now see, some of these worry me, like Start a Fire in Pudding Lane.

boy: Oh, we’ve done that already.

Ricky: For 4,700 points.

boy: Well, I’ll tell you what we have done. We’ve been on Phantom of the Opera stage, already,

Ricky: Have you?

Steve: How did you manage that?

boy: Yeah, we just asked the stage door guy,

Steve: That wasn’t durin’ the show, I assume.

boy: He had to actually, he actually mentioned that we shouldn’t speak about that to you, otherwise he’ll get sacked, but, uh, yeah, he was really kind of let us on. Um..

boy: Jumped in Trafalgar Square water, with, doing sort of Friends impersonation, so that was,

Steve: Right.

Ricky: How many points did you get for that?

boy: We got 2000 points for that. We got 8000 points for being on the, um, stage at Phantom of the Opera, and, we get double that, we get like 18,000 points which is almost the maximum for being here right now.

Steve: Really.

boy: So that’s absolutely great.

Ricky: Yeah, but, I wouldn’t worry about the little things. I’d go for the big, the big bucks here.

boy: Yeah, that’s it. We’re not interested in the little stuff, we wanna go for the big stuff.

Ricky: So what the big ones are are Get on Stage with S Club 7, that’s not gonna happen, is it. When, what do you got till. Till 6 today.

boy: Well, S Club 7 are on at the London Arena, uh, about 2 o’clock, so,

Steve: Good luck!

boy: I think it’s gonna be very difficult to get on there, but,

Ricky: I – I think so, yeah. Get in the Vault of a Bank.

boy: Yeah. You got any ideas?

Ricky: Some of these, some of these are bordering on the illegal. That’s 20,000 points for that.

the boys laugh

Karl: Have you seen that -

Ricky: Like, Get in a Cage at London Zoo. Don’t do that.

the boys laugh

Ricky: I mean, it’s 10,000 points, but don’t do it. Unless it’s a penguin cage.

boy: That’s what we were hoping, just some kind of timid animal we might be all right with.

Ricky: Yeah. Sure.

boy: If anyone’s got any good ideas, of sort of funky things to do on air, then um,

Ricky: Ok, well if you, if you leave, if you leave your number, and anyone calls in they can help you,

Steve: Well maybe sort of S Club 7 are listening,

boy: Yeah - (can’t make out) I mean we love ‘em to death.

boy: If they are, it is for charity, and the points get awarded into money for colon cancer research, so it would be absolutely fantastic if we could.

Steve: Yeah, so Bradley, Jon, Tina, if you’re listening,

boy: Yeah, if you’re listening. Or any celebrity out there who is a female celebrity. We need – we need to snog them, it doesn’t need to be a long snog,

Ricky: Well, wait a minute, wait a minute,

boy: If we can, that would be great.

18:11