27 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 27 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

I'm A Bad Man, Cos I Don't Give Lungs Away?

Ricky: God! I don't believe this, one day he's got – Karl's really grumpy and all stressed cos he didn't have the record, we didn't wanna play, a rec- won't say it, we didn't wanna play a certain record he had lined up, cos it's rubbish.

Karl: I know, but you do this every week.

Ricky: Cos it's... cos most of 'em are rubbish, that's why we choose...

Karl: But thirty seconds to go on the track and you're saying 'I don't wanna play that'.

Ricky: And you're going 'oh stressing me out', you're meant to be at our beck and call we've, we've...

Steve: We've made you.

Ricky: We've made you, we got you out the gutter and now you're getting- “minding the world.”

Karl: That doesn't mean you can mess me about. If you were a doctor and you saved me life.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, there comes a point...

Steve: In a way, we have Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Where were you going before we came alone...

Ricky: Go on, what was he gonna say, what were you gonna say, he was gonna say something wise then?

Karl: I was gonna say, right, if, if, if you were a doctor and you saved me life, there's only so much, that I could give back to you, right.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: I can't...

Ricky: What's unreasonable, what would be unreasonable?

Karl: Well you know.

Ricky: Forget doctor, don't, no, no, no, no, cos that's its job right, supposing I just, I was just walking along and I saved your life, I gave you a kidney, or I, you know, resuscitated you or I dived into icy water, what, what, what could I hope from you then, before you start going 'hold on, hold on', what would you, what would you be willing to do for me until you sort of got, you lost your rag a little bit, cos I was asking too much.

Karl: So, what, didn't I know you before you've like, sorted a lung out for me?

Ricky: No. I just gave you a lung, for example.

Karl: Well, I'd be a bit sort of, I'd be thinking why has he done that, if...

Ricky: Suspicious!

Steve: But what I love though Rick is the idea of you, jumping into icy water to save someone, giving them a lung, I can guarantee if someone was lying on the floor screaming, they needed your help, you'd affect a foreign accent and go 'I no understand' and run off.

Karl: You know what he did once? Right, we went out a few weeks ago, right, and some woman had her handbag nicked, and she was all distressed, he said 'cha- chase the fella Karl'.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: You stood there...

Ricky laughs.

Karl: You, you pretended.

Ricky: That's not true...

Steve: Let's be honest, look at Ricky...

Ricky: That's not true.

Steve: ...imagine Ricky chasing a criminal, look at his little legs, he'd never get anywhere.

Karl: He started to run and then he passed Starbucks or something and nipped in...

Ricky chortles.

Karl: For a short...

Ricky: How did this turn on me? I'm a bad man, cos I don't give lungs away?

Steve: No, cos you don't chase criminals...

Ricky: No-one would want my kidneys or my lungs for a start, I- I-, you know...

Steve: Did you chase the criminal, then?

Ricky: No.

Karl: I did for a bit.

Ricky: He walked.

Steve: No, you didn't did you?

Karl: No, I did a little bit, didn't I?

Ricky: Yeah, we sort of spread out...

Steve: What...

Ricky: ...we missed him.

Steve: ...where was it and what was the situation?

Karl: It was near...

Steve: Did you see a bag get snatched?

Karl: It was Carnaby Street.

Ricky: No, she was crying and she was worried... some blokes came and sat next to her and just ran off with her purse and erm...

Steve: And you walked after them?

Ricky: No, no they'd gone Steve, they'd they, I mean, yeah, they'd actually gone, it was just like a bit distressing, she was, she was devastated, I know how she feels as well, I had a jacket nicked and you think 'oh, I just gotta find 'em now'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: 'Where are they, who...' you know, so she was really off her head with sort of like she was angry and sort of crying.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it was horrible, it was horrible weren't it? Weren't it Karl?

Karl: He's broken his mike now.

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: Oh, play a record Karl...

Ricky: This is pathetic.

Steve: ...Karl, what are you doing mate, you just...

Ricky: I don't believe this, there are only two weeks to go, these should be special.

Ricky pounds his fist on the desk for emphasis.

Steve: Karl, play the record, we've asked you to play the record.

Ricky: 'Bohemian Like You'.

Steve: Man alive!

Song: Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You

Song: Hives – Main Offender

They Do Go Out Late

Ricky: Hives – Main Offender, on Xfm 104.9, I forgot to say who I was.

Steve: Go on who are you?

Ricky: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

Steve: Obviously. Steve Merchant.

Ricky: And who's that little fella over there, little round fella.

Steve: Tiny little Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: The funny little thing from the Smash adverts. Say “...and then they smash with them little knives...”, oh.

Steve: You do, yeah you're right, he does look like one of them.

Ricky: He does, doesn't he, yeah, I was asking people if they've seen a rounder head than him, and that's the only one someone could come up with, that's the only thing they came up with. Oh look, oh look you're actually a little bit stressed now aren't you? Cos you had a drink last night, didn't ya?

Karl: I had a couple of drinks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I was down at Steve's night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He was doing a bit of DJing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It went down a storm.

Ricky: And that's why you're grumpy.

Steve: Shush, shush, shush, shush, did you hear what he just said? I was DJing last night, obviously at that Xfm evening.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Hour and a half, me and my friend split the time on the decks, what, what was the word you just used?

Karl: He went down a storm.

Steve: We went down a storm. Right, three girls, I was walking to the toilets during my set, three girls went 'you are a genius'...

Ricky giggles.

Steve: Right da-, whathisname, Dane Bowers... Zane Lowe?

Ricky: What cos you played records in a certain order?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky laughs contemptuously.

Steve: Sorry Rick if you can't deal with that, sorry if you're a little bit jealous, because this time you can't share the award, alright?

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: But it was my credit this time.

Karl: You can tell he hasn't been a DJ, because it's not just about...

Steve: It's not just about the songs you play, it's the way you play them.

Ricky: Oh yeah...

Steve: The way you play them...whether it's 33 or 45, very important.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah! Leave your hand on them...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...as they try and go round.

Steve: But, er, but, three girls there, charmed by me, they loved it, er, Zane Lowe Xfm DJ and MTV presenter, probably one of the coolest blokes alive, he came up – gave us massive respect, he said 'i'm loving your set', he actually used those words, right, there were people coming up, couldn't believe their luck, it was roaring, we'd stick on a track, people would cheer as it came one, right, our particular favourite, Karl I'll think you'll agree, my particular triumvirate LL Cool J, 'Mama Said Knock You Out', leading straight into House of Pain 'Jump Around', then straight into the current Elvis track that's been re-released, remixed by Junkie XL, I played the original, which I'd already played on XFM before, I'm already there, cutting edge.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: What, three old tracks you mean.

Steve: Three old tracks.

Ricky: In a row?

Steve: Yep... and, er, I think the words that would best sum it up, are 'I kicked ass'.

Ricky: Great.

Steve: Rick, alright.

Ricky: Well, I'm gonna be kicking some arse today, because I'm gonna be shamelessly self-indulgent and we've only got two shows to go, so I'm playing some of the most beautiest tunes in the world, I was just telling Karl I've lined up a Simon and Garfunkel track 'Only Living Boy In New York', he went 'why's he the only living boy in New York?', I went 'what?', he went 'what does that mean then?' I went 'I don't know' he went 'well what's it about?', I said 'I don't, don't care, it's a lovely song' he said 'but, no, what's it about' I said 'I don't go into that', I said, he went 'I like, I like a story' I said 'like what'? He said 'Killing of Georgie – no trickery'.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Killing of Georgie. I think we should play that at the last...

Steve: It's good I heard it the other day on Radio 2, it was cracking.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: It stands up well.

Karl: It's really good.

Ricky: Tell 'em what it's about again.

Karl: It's about, um, a little girl- (clears his throat) a little gay fella.

Steve: A little what, a little gay fella?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who, erm, I mean I haven't heard it for a bit, it's all off memories, but, erm, gay bloke, is he from Scotland?

Ricky: I have... no idea.

Karl: He's from somewhere, where gays aren't liked.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: No, no, no.

Karl: No, he is.

Ricky: 'Georgie boy was gay I guess, nothing more and nothing less, the kindest guy I ever knew', right, now all he did was, right, his father said 'how can my son not be straight?' and kicked him out, right, goes to America...

Karl: Yeah, yeah, but you can handle all that, you can handle your dad not getting on with ya, if other people around ya are into the same scene.

Ricky: Yeah? That's right.

Karl: But he was left on his own, he didn't know what to do.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He was getting stressed out.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: So he goes.

Steve: This was before like, before, I mean this was, when did this record come out?

Ricky: Seventy...

Karl: Must be Seventies.

Ricky: ...seven.

Karl: 77, yeah something like that.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And he's...

Ricky: During punk.

Steve: Right, oh I see, yeah.

Karl: So he...

Steve: So, you know, The Village People had come along and made gay cool.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That had already happened, but it wasn't respected.

Karl: But he was watching the telly or something and he saw the New York had loads of them over there all having a good time...

Ricky: No, no sorry, at no point in the song, does Rod Stewart say little, little gay Georgie was watching telly, and saw loads of gays in New York, at no point in that song.

Karl: But, this is what I like about that song, you can sort of picture what's going on.

Ricky: You make it up.

A moment of contemplation.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, so, so the little gay fella was watching telly, and there was, there was a presumably a, the “and now from New York - the gay show” yeah?

Karl: or whatever, cos it was a big scene over there in the seventies.

Ricky: Yeah, okay, go on.

Karl: So he, er, goes over there, and he's having a great time and that, he's meeting...

Ricky: “...went to New York town, very quickly settled down and soon became the toast of the great white way”

Karl: Yeah, they loved him.

Ricky: “...all the old queens blew a fuse.”

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he, I don't know, he was out late one night...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...and he's walking home.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And, er, gets attacked, gets killed.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's lying in...

Ricky: “They didn't intend to take his life, they just pushed their luck a little too far that night.” Yeah, you see.

Karl: So, but what's good there, is it good that he had a bit of a good life, and was able to be himself.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: ...or should he have stayed in Scotland?

Ricky: He didn't come from Scotland, again, I've really...

Steve: I think, is there anyway we can get this song before the end of the show, and play it, cos I've, I've heard it recently, but a lot of people listening will have never heard this song, they won't have any idea what we're talking about.

Ricky: Can I, Can I say what you said, when we were talking about that song, once, before?

Karl: Is it bad?

Ricky: It might, it might be. Cos we were talking about you know, Georgie boy getting... and he you know, I don't know.

Karl: What?

Ricky: It's when you said...

Ricky mouths something to Karl.

Karl: Well, it's a fact! I don't think if anyone...

Ricky: Right, he said, so 'Killing of Georgie', he gets out, he dies, right, he goes 'well they do go out late...'

Steve hoots.

Karl: I know...

Steve: Gay people... go out late?

Karl: I've seen gay people and they start to party late on, that's why, in Soho right, girlfriend got in a cab right, Suzanne was in a cab and the cab driver, was taking her to an early start, right, she works at the BBC, early start, 4 in the morning, it was going down, it was mental in Soho at 4 in the morning, they were all still like star- starting the night out...

Ricky: How d'you know, how do you know they were gay?

Karl: It's Soho, innit.

Steve: Fair enough.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Play a track, we have to try and dig this out.

Ricky: Yeah we well, this is Simon and Garfunkel, 'The Only Living Boy In New York', it's, it's lovely.

Song: Simon and Garfunkel – The Only Living Boy In New York

Obviously He Had To Pose As My Gay Lover

Ricky: 'Only Living Boy In New York', do you like that?

Karl: It's got a nice feel to it.

Ricky: Simon and Garfunkel.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Lovely, erm, bit later on I'm gonna be playing a Cat Stevens track, it's one of the most beautiful tracks ever written, it's called 'Lilywhite' off 'Mona Bone Jakon', look forward to that, we've got Eminem coming up.

Steve: We have, we've got the new Eminem single as well and a big giveaway Rick lest we forget.

Ricky: I think we should tell 'em what that is.

Steve: Do you think so.

Ricky: Yeah, well, we all went to the Baftas, as you know and we thought we could get a good prize out of this, so we got some celebs...

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: ...to sign, the Bafta bag they give away, it's just a nice, it's just a big sort of chunky cardboard carrier bag, you know, it's not the value that counts, this is what values it read out the sort of names we've got Steve.

Steve: These are the kind of celebrities that have signed these bags, obviously us three, plus Graham Norton, Angus Deayton signed it, Alan Davies – Johnathan Creek, Jamie Theakston, Paul Whitehouse, a lot of comedians you'll notice, Helen Baxendale from Cold Feet, who's also been in Friends, right, er, I don't know why that's so exciting, Steve 'Phil Mitchell' McFadden.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's an eclectic bag, I notice actually that Steve's signature also mentions, I think he says Steve aka Phil Mitchell, which is very nice of him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Peter Davidson, former, er, former Dr. Who.

Ricky: I noticed also, that when you gave him the pen to sign it, he put the pen away.

Steve: Yeah he pocketed it.

Ricky: I wanted to say, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa, whoa whoa...

Steve: Just his wily cockney ways.

Ricky: ...you're not Phil Mitchell now mate.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Give us the pen back.

Steve: Exactly. Simon Pegg and of course one of broadcasting's biggest legends Steve Wright.

Ricky: Oh Steve Wright, yeah.

Steve: Got him to sign it as well. But you know, you're not gonna find that, that's quite an eclectic and kooky mixture of celebrity names.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, autographs on one bag.

Ricky: And maybe we'll photocopy it and if you can't make out...

Steve: Just explain who they are...

Ricky: ...just explain who they are.

Steve: We can give that away, and, er, you know it's a little commemorative thing from the Baftas, there's a big Bafta logo on there and everything, it's pretty classy, I, did I mention this that our agent, who was there, he ran round getting a few of these autographs and I think, Helen Baxendale and a few people and went up to 'em and told them it was for charity... and that was why they signed it.

Karl gasps.

Steve: Which I think is a little bit cheeky, but that's what agents are like Karl! You've gotta understand that.

Ricky: But, then again he didn't get anything from them, it's not like he said give us a pound

Steve: No, he just got signatures.

Ricky: He just got their signature.

Steve: Well, he said that as well.

Ricky: (Laughing) Did he? He made 42 quid.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

They take a short riposte while Ricky laughs.

Steve: Erm, but, err, so anyway, we're gonna give that away, we'll, we'll explai-

Ricky: Is that a good prize? I think that's a nice prize, isn't it? It's a little commemorative thing...

Steve: Karl! You're turning your nose up at it.

Karl: No, it's, it's alright, I wouldn't want it.

Ricky: Oh chri-, doesn't he, do people get you to sort of do campaigns on the radio, like “Drink Fosters – I wouldn't, you can...”

Steve: I notice on the big board here, it tells us that you can win signed and framed Chemical Brothers' Album covers on Sunday, that's just two geeks who've signed that, we've got like...

Ricky: We've got three... alone, in this room.

Steve: Exactly, plus, we've got some of Britain's, you know the cream of Britain's light entertainment that have signed that bag, I'm just...

Karl: No, no, no it's good...

Steve: ...appalled by you, that you're just so disrespectful of us.

Karl: No, but it's like, look how, when I went to the Bafta's with you and I wasn't really enjoying it.

Ricky: I can't!! He's a ...!

Steve: What?! You didn't tell us this.

Ricky: You're such an ungrateful...

Steve: There are so many people...

Ricky: You're like a little charity case, you're like, oh...

Steve: I had chicks queuing up around the block.

Ricky: You'd usually have to... someone like you would have to write to 'Jim'll Fix It' or Esther Rantzen to get, to meet us sort of people, and now it's on your doorstep!

Steve: I'm amazed, that you didn't enjoy it, why didn't you enjoy it? You got to walk down the red carpet, you went in, there was George Best, one of your footballing heroes was there, a load of other big names, you sat there, you had prime position, you came backstage with a load of other big names, eh, you had a lovely bit of grub.

Ricky: You were filming the thing for the DVD we're making, that's you, that's you the cameraman on the DVD and yet you think 'oh...' now you look grumpy cos you had a couple of pints, and you've, oh, can't believe it.

Steve: Tell us why you didn't enjoy it, cos the ceremony, what didn't you enjoy about that?

Silence.

Steve: It was interminable wasn't it?

Karl: Far too long.

Steve: Wasn't it awful?

Karl: Three...

Steve: Boring.

Karl: ...hours.

Ricky: Sorry. I thought you were gonna say something.

Steve: Really?

Some nervous giggling.

Karl: Three hours.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, I mean, I suppose for you two, at least, you know, you were gonna get something.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But with me, it's like, I mean, I've never graduated or anything, so...

Ricky: Have you not?

Karl: I'm trying a think of a situation, basically I sat there for three hours, knowing that I'm not gonna get anything out of the night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right. Now...

Ricky giggles.

Karl: No-one told...

Ricky: Sorry! When we invited you and you said 'yes', did you think you were up for an award?

Karl: No.

Steve hoots.

Karl: But I thought, I thought, we'd be sat round tables, having a nice bit of food, whilst people are going up there and winning awards, but three hours of the same thing, over and over again, if a film's three hours in the cinema, you go 'well it's long, but, you know, I wonder how it's gonna end', but this was just like the same thing over and over again, some guy going up, 'thanks a lot, cheers for the bit of brass' and then going down, sitting down, same thing over and over again. I wouldn't, honestly right, I'd say it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

Ricky and Steve laugh in shock.

Ricky: Christ!

Steve: Blinking hell!!

Karl: No, I enjoyed the night afterwards, when we did have a bit of lamb and a bit of veg and that, that was alright, and I went home and I was happy, and I got the little freebie bag, that you're talking about, that we're givin' away, which wasn't much good stuff in it.

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: Alright!!

Ricky: ...christ!

Karl: No, cos Suzanne...

Steve: What would you have done on that Saturday night?

Karl: Suzanne said...

Steve: What would you have done, on a Sunday night rather, what would you have done, had you been at home?

A quiet moment of contemplation.

Karl: I would have stayed in with Suzanne, right, watching telly, had a nice bit of pate on toast or something, cup of tea, watching 24, but instead I had to buy an expensive suit, so I didn't show you up.

Ricky stifles a laugh.

Ricky: Jesus Christ.

Steve: Yeah, how much did you spend on your suit?

Karl: Well, in total, right, cos of you know, the shoes, and the suit and the shirt and the tie; it was about 600 quid.

Ricky and Steve explode with laughter.

Steve: That's the most expensive evening ever!

Karl: Well, that's what I'm saying to ya and the daft thing is it's dark in there, I don't know why you've got to wear a nice suit.

Steve: You can't wear a tracksuit for goodness sake!

Ricky: He said “it's dark in there!”

Karl: No, just a shirt and that, it doesn't make you a better person, wearing a suit.

Ricky: No. It doesn't make you a better person, no.

Steve: We're not claiming it made you a better person.

Karl: No, well, that annoyed me.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, I mean it was an experience, that's why I went, cos, you think, if I didn't go, I would have said to you when you invited me, 'no Steve, I don't wanna go' I would never have known, right and I've, I've, that's my sort of thing in life, right, if something comes up, you should take it, even if you're not gonna like it, it's a bit of an experience.

Steve: You know what he said to me, I phoned him up, cos we had to meet up and obviously he had to pose as my gay lover...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...to get in right. What was it, you said something to me, like “I've bought a suit, I'm looking good”, he said “I'm looking good, people'll think how on earth did he end up with that good looking guy.”

Ricky: So he got into the role!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He started...

Steve: ...That was what he said to me.

Ricky: He started getting into it!

Steve: Such an insult.

Ricky: Play a record, Karl.

Steve: I must just say we've had an email from Darryl, all sorts of people have emailed in saying well done on the Baftas and well done on your Room 101, they really like it.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: This one guy here, Darryl, says “Ricky, has your dad only got one demob suit?”

Ricky brays with laughter.

Steve: Cos I don't know if you've noticed but Ricky wears the same suit, every single time he appears on TV, cos he spent a fortune on it, getting it tailor-made.

Ricky: I've only got one.

Steve: It's a good suit, and now he's wearing it all the time.

Ricky: I know, I know, and it's winter as well and it's like pure wool so I'm sweating everywhere I go...anyway. Usually it's too much cheese.

Karl: I won't be buying another.

Ricky: Uh?

Karl: I won't be buying another one?

Ricky: Ever.

Karl: That's it.

Karl: Suzanne told me today, right, cos I've gone, I've handed it in today, to have the trousers turned up a bit...

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Cos, it was a bit of a bodge job for the night.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was just some pins holding it up the other night, but you didn't notice and I didn't tell ya, cos I thought you'd be getting on the stage and saying look at that freak over there, with his pants hemmed up.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: But I took it, I took it to the place to get it done, Suzanne tells me that I'm gonna start shrinking now, I'm getting to that age where you start getting smaller.

Ricky laughs uncontrollably.

Ricky: I love that, that must have been a revelation to you and a worry, like “how small do you get?” “how small do you get?” Oh...

Steve: Right, what we playing now?

Karl: I thought we'd have a little bit of 'Mali Music'.

Steve: 'Mali Music'?

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: Okay, go on then.

Song: Mali Music – Sunset Coming On

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – Something To Talk About.