28 May 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant return to Xfm for a run of 6 shows, standing in for Adam and Joe, this being the first.

Track Listing

1. I'm Not Made of Money, Rick!

• Nothing has changed at Xfm in 18 months.

• Steve jokes that some of Ricky's old bacon rinds are on the floor.

• Listenership is down, due to "Old Cure fans dying of smack addictions".

• Gervais suggests the listenership of Xfm has risen by 1; himself.

• Steve's back mainly because his cheaply employed foreign cleaner cleans his house between 1pm and 3pm.

• The duo warn that the show is not like The Office, Animals or Politics as it is poor and shoddily planned.

2. The Old Finger Up The Arse

• Ricky reveals a new found love for U2 having hated them for the previous 15 years of his life.

• Ricky and Steve recap Doctor Fox's criticism of their show, during which the DJ described the show as "painful". Steve is amused that Ricky still remembers the slamming.

• Karl won't get a medical checkup as he doesn't want the doctor to do "the old finger up the arse thing.", he doesn't know "what they're going to find up there," and "it's the heart I worry about the most" anyway. Karl and Steve are suspicious of why doctors need to hold the patient's testicles when they cough. Ricky suggests it's to do with the diaphragm. Ricky recalls the time when Karl professed that he doesn't examine his testicles as he "doesn't like the feel". Karl says he can afford to lose one testicle.

• Karl wouldn't let Doctor Fox or Doctor Who conduct a prostate exam either.

3. Try Both

• Karl says his life is better for meeting Ricky and Steve as he "has Monday's off now"

• Karl is confused as to whether a website about him featured a dash or an underscore in it's URL, telling the listeners to "try both".

• Steve quizzes Karl using a set of questions featured in the Guardian Guide. Karl's idea of perfect happiness is "fishfingers, potato cakes and beans". His greatest fear is "going to the doctors" and he wants to love to be 84. He most admires Winston Churchill as the Brit prevented English people having to speak German, which Karl claims he wouldn't be good at.

• Karl doesn't know what capital punishment is. When Ricky explains it, Karl thinks it would be a good idea for criminals as prisons are overcrowded and "what can you do with someone who's mental?"

4. Nowt There

• Ricky's idea of happiness is being in a room with Karl, who he says is both like a cat and a "retard".

• When researching the abandoned show Science Gervais asked Karl about the moon landing. Karl said the moon landing featured "Louis Armstrong" (he meant Neil Armstrong), "a bloke names Buzz" and "a fella who didn't even get out to stretch his legs".

• According to Karl "there's no point" going to the moon as there's "nowt there". Steve wouldn't go as he wouldn't be able to wear his glasses.

• Karl regrets not doing well at school.

• His street keeps him awake at night due to noise

• If there was a war, Karl would go on holiday

5. They Don't Age Well

• Ricky invents radio friendly swearwords like "Kant", "cump", "fulking", "schnit".

• Steve tells Karl that two 80 year old Japanese soldiers have been found hiding in the woods, believing the war still to be on.

• Karl goes on a rant about how "There's no 33 year old Chinamen, or fat ones", there's no "middle ground (in age)" but "22 year olds are about" and "49 year old ones are around". He borders on the edge of racism by claiming "They don't age well, I don't know what's in 'em".

• Steve can't name any famous middle-aged Chinamen. Karl can only think of Bruce Lee, who "looked 42" when he died at 33.

6. Gog-lanker

• Karl advises a Japanese man who is soon to marry his Japanese fiance to "take some good wedding photos" before she gets old fast.

• Karl says that Suzanne's mother isn't a pretty thing.

• Rockbusters prizes include a signed Spinal Tap poster, a drawing of Homer Simpson and a drawing of Ricky, Steve and Karl immortalized as Flanimals "bloat dumbplunt" "gog-lanker" and "pinkloid numbscrunt".

7. That's Awful Karl

• Steve spills champagne by accident, then begs for more free products

• Rockbusters clues:

1. "So you get a bulb and look after it, teach it stuff, what're you doing there, know what I mean, what's gone on?" - R.
2. "Errr... People have problem doing this when they get home from a night's drinking, what's the problem?" - K.
3. "I had a vision of that Chinese Flu" - C.

8. Where's A Tsunami When You Need One?

• Ricky wants people to send in objects to harm Karl with, suggesting a George Foreman Grill, and that he has already tortured Karl with a tea towel and spoon combo.

• Steve watched Celebrity Love Island and thought "Where's a tsunami when you need one?" and compared Karl to Paul Danan.

• Ricky and Steve attack Big Brother, Rebecca Loos who "wonked off a pog" and Abi Titmuss. Karl says he wouldn't go on Big Brother.

• Karl tells a tale of a foot long spider that eats chicken which worries him as "they come over here in bananas don't they?"

9. That Sounded Great!

• Ricky discusses bad lyrics by Rick Springfield; "I tell her I love her but the point may be moot."

• Steve's bad lyric nomination is Bryan Adams; "I'm in my hotel room/ There's a knock on the door and I get nervous/ I'm hoping it's you/ It's just room service". Steve heard it on a session hosted by Christian O'Connell, who remarked "that sounded great", which Steve thinks is a perfect response to a rubbish session as it compliments the engineers.

• Ricky applauds Bryan Adams for buying the pub next door to the musician's house, due to noise.

• Ricky's highlight of Extras was dressing editor Nigel up as a baby.

• Rockbusters Answers:

1. R - Razorlight (Raise a light).
2. K - Keane (Key in)
3. C - Caesars (See SARS).

10. It's Like Jackass!

• The finale of the show. Gervais shoots a cork from a champagne bottle onto Karl's head while Steve films for Gervais' website. Karl grunts in pain but asks "Did that hit me?"

11. They're Just Walkies!

• Monkey News. Karl hasn't prepared a story but when pressured comes up with a story about the American SWAT team recruiting monkeys who have walkie-talkies. "They can't talk!" Gervais shouts, "So they're just walkies!" Steve quips.

• Karl finishes and argues with Gervais and Merchant. "What do you want?" he asks, "Monkey News!" Steve shrieks.

• "This is the worst show we've ever done" Gervais says as the show comes to a close.

Quotes

Steve: Which living person do you most admire? Karl: Eh... Steve: Which person thorughout any time in history do you most admire? Karl: Winston Churchill's pretty good Ricky: Yeah, very good Karl: He was alright Steve:  : Why? Karl: Cause if it weren't for him, we'd be talking German, and i'm not that good at that

Playlist

Since You Been Gone - Rainbow

City of Blinding Lights - U2

Feel it in the Air - Beenie Seagull

In My Time - Matthew Sweet

Best of You - Foo Fighters

Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who

Unknown

Unknown - Kings Of Leon

Forever Lost - Magic Numbers

Unknown

Glorious Day - Embrace

Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

Unknown - Green Day

Homesick- Kings of Convenience

Extras

Transcript needed

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/nzc3f0

http://savefile.com/files/45190

http://rapidshare.de/files/32357985/s04e01.mp3

See Also

• Xfm Series 1
• Xfm Series 2
• Xfm Series 3