23 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 23 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Pop a Jumper On

Song: Richard X and Sugarbabes - Are Freaks Electric

Ricky: Are Freaks Electric, Richard X and the Sugarbabes on Xfm 104.9 Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: Karl, the err producer.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: 7 minutes past one, of a Saturday, and what a lovely Saturday it is.

Steve: It is indeed.

Ricky: Well, it looks nice but it's deceptive because I went out, and I just had a t-shirt on and I had me jumper wrapped round me, I got out there and I thought, this is chilly.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And I had to put on, pop the jumper on.

Steve: Ooh no.

Ricky: So err, you know just be careful, if you err you know looking out of the window thinking oh i'll go outside, pop a jumper on or, or a jacket because it looks nice, but it is a little bit colder, than it looks.

Steve: Rick, can I ask, were you wearing the jumper tied round your waist with a knot, or did you have it over your shoulders maybe like, you'd just jumped off a yacht.

Ricky: I popped it round my waist, and i'll tell you why. I tucked my t-shirt in for neatness and comfort.

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: But I know, even I know that's a little bit dorky.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: So I was trying to hide the belt line.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: So err, then I popped the jumper on didn't have to worry about it so.

Steve: Did you go with the double knot?

Ricky: I didn't, I.

Steve: Because that can loosen if you're not careful, specially if you're carrying bags or you're busy on the tube.

Ricky: I know, well I wouldn't mind that as long as I didn't lose it, as long as I saw it loosen and fall I’d pick it up.

Steve: You'd be so devestated if you lost it.

Ricky: And then clean it, not in the err washing machine though.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I’d pop it in a cold wa- soak.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And then leave it out on a few towels or summat, or put it over the radiator.

Steve: So what's the problem with err, putting it in a hot wash?

Ricky: Well it can, cause, shinkage.

Steve: Aww no.

Ricky: So err, coming up we've got loads of tunes, we're gonna be playing erm some of the best bands around, some new ones, some old ones. We might even play some err Adam Ant we don't know yet.

Steve laughs

Steve: Let's have err Badly Drawn Boy though err shall we karl? Current single.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy-Silent Sigh

Nice to Meet You, Ken

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy there, Silent Sigh. Is that the one with the duck, karl?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah. Apparently he's stopped wearing his hat around because he keeps getting recognised, and he's gonna not wear his hat, doesn't want to get recognised.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Maybe pop it in the wash.

Steve: Mmm, be careful, just have a light cold rinse.

Ricky: Err, light cold rinse, soak it because it's woolen, right, and then just leave it out on a towel. Or you know maybe in, err near the immersion heater.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Or over a radiator.

Steve: Over a radiator is that a problem?

Ricky: It CAN Cause! that sort of you know, damaging to the fibres of the wool.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Yeah, he had a kid last week.

Ricky: Did he?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Who did?

Karl: Badly Drawn Boy.

Steve: Oh right ok.

Ricky: Badly Drawn little boy.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: He's gonna call it, innie?

Steve: Brilliant Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well done.

Ricky: It's sort of satire.

Steve: Mmm, I’d like to see that as a headline in a tabloid.

Ricky: "Stand and deliver, hoI hoi, money or your life" boom boom, uhh. Erm now.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Carry on.

Steve: Aww. Can we explain why that's funny?

Ricky: Don't panic Karl I’m a professional, don't worry.

Steve: What's your concern karl?

Ricky: What's your concern?

Karl: Nothing.

Steve: Tell us.

Karl: No.

Ricky: You can say!

Karl: I can't.

Ricky: You can!

Karl: This is so unprofessional.

Ricky: It's what? What? what have we done?

Steve: What talking about wool?

Karl: No.

Steve: Come on Karl what's the problem?

Ricky: What's the problem?

Karl: You say.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's great innie? He's lovely.

Steve: He's so scared, come on Karl tell us.

Karl: I don't know all the ins and out so I don't want to get into it.

Ricky: What?

Karl: The thing.

Ricky: Well look.

Steve: You can't, well people are perplexed now, what's the thing karl?

Ricky: What's the thing? What you worried about? Say.

Steve: Is it an e-mail? That's been recieved by the head of Xfm?

Karl: You've got the e-mail open you can have a read.

Ricky: You can talk about, you can say what it.

Steve: Ok let me just see.

Ricky: Without you know.

Steve: I don't understand it "Please note that under ruling at the Old Bailey, any reference to Adam Ant's state of mental illness in any news report will consitute a breach of ruling, and will lead to serious action from his lawyers".

Ricky: That's right, and that's true, and that subject, we can't talk about that. You can play his records, and sing.

Steve: Sing his classic songs.

Ricky: Sing songs.

Karl: Yeah well best just to leave it innit?

Ricky: Yeah but that's what we, yeah, Karl was a little bit worried. There's no way I was going to mention that or influence anything and I totally agree with the law, so don't panic Karl.

Karl: That should've never been sent to you.

Ricky laughs

Ricky and Steve: Why?

Karl: Because it's like, you know, accidents happen.

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl: When things like that happen right? You know, you've been told not to mention it.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And you're like a little kid.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And, once things are in your 'ead.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: It's difficult not to mention it, I mean. When err I was a kid.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Me err, me mam's sister Hazel, was seeing another bloke. Erm, it's weird cos she's a lesbian now.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's really weird.

Steve: That must've been an interesting Christmas.

Karl: But anyway, seeing this bloke and he looked like Ken Dodd, apparently.

Steve: He looked like Ken Dodd?

Karl: Looked like Ken Dodd, so people said don't mention it cos it gets, it gets on his nerves when you like meet him and you go, ohh you look like Ken Dodd. So he said alright so his name's Will or whatever. And err I was introduced to him, first thing I said "nice to meet you Ken".

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Did you do it as a joke or did you?

Karl: No no because, you know when you know that's it's like I’m not allowed to say that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Can't mustn't say that, and then I saw him and thought Jesus, it does look like him.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And it just came out.

Steve: Was it Doddy who turned her into a lesbo d'ya think?

Karl: Well, he wasn't a good looking bloke, so, possibly.

Ricky: She started going out with Estha Ranson then, which is weird out of the frying pan.

Steve: When did she start lesbianism then, when did she annouce that to everyone? What age was she when she realised.

Karl: Well me, I mean we're not a close family, d'you know what I mean?

Ricky: No.

Karl: We're not the sort of family that keeps in touch with everyone, and I think me mam called her up one Christmas, and sort of said how's how's Will?

Steve: How's Doddy man?

Ricky laughs

Karl: And so err, and err she said "Aww no I’m not, I don't do that anymore, I’m knocking about with sandra or whatever".

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And it was like Ohh right.

Ricky: No big butch Sandra with the big earings and skinhead? Used to live down the road from you?

Karl: I don't know I.

Ricky: Used to get Doc Martin's, wholesale, that Sandra?

Karl: But she lived, she had a haunted house.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Erm.

Steve: Who, Sandra?

Karl: No 'azel.

Steve: Right, is this before she was a lesbian or not?

Karl: Before.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: And erm, there was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards.

Steve: What was in the hall?

Karl: Her bike.

Ricky and Steve Laugh.

Ricky: That's handy innit? Aww that's great. Don't worry we won't do anything.

Steve: Sorry, no there was, I wanna hear about the ho-, haunted house, there was a bike in the hall.

Karl: There was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards on their own, and also, shoes used to stick to the wall or something.

Ricky: Did they?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Shoes used to stick to the wall?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: That sounds like a.

Steve: That's a haunted house.

Ricky: Hell of a household. Yeah. Aww dear.

Karl: There we go.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Maybe she should clean the walls.

Song:There she goes - The La's.

Steve or the Chemical Brothers?

Ricky: Strokes - ‘Last Nite’, XFM 104.9--we’re flyin’ now, 35 minutes into it. No re--no real hiccups, I don’t think, that I...

Steve: Not so far.

Ricky: It’s going really well. My name’s Ricky Gervais, with me Steve.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Alright. Coming up soon: ‘White Van Man’--‘White Van Karl’. We ask Karl the questions that The Sun asked someone else.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It’s a good feature.

Steve: It’s a great feature.

Ricky: I’ll be testing Karl on the new, the new reeducation of Karl--as you know, he got a GCSE, an E...

Karl: It’s the last one innit, this week.

Ricky: ...in history. It’s the last heavy, sort of one, yeah.

Karl: No...

Ricky: Sir Winston Churchill--well yeah, ‘cause you got, you got, we’re going on to more, sort of uh, metaphorical and metaphysical... uh, sort of uh, pursuits, aren’t we?

Karl: Not that book?

Ricky: Yeah, that’s the--Aesop’s fables...

Karl: I can’t read that in a week!

Ricky: You don’t have to read it...

Karl: Alright, okay.

Ricky: ...just choose out--just choose the ones about the foxes eating penguins. You’ll like that. Steve, over to you.

Steve: Thanks very much, I wonder if, I don’t think we’ve eh, made much progress yet on eh, sending Karl into sort of eh, into the air with the balloons.

Ricky: Now this has gone a bit ballistic, actually.

Karl: I’ve gone off the idea.

Ricky: Oh no shutup.

Steve: No--don’t, you haven’t gone off it.

Ricky: We’ve, we’ve inflamed the imagination of the capital. There’s people offering left, right and centre, and eh, I think it’s a good idea, but I th--we should, we should eh, y’know, make a day of it. I think we should send you up in some balloons, right? Maybe eh, y’know...I’ll compere...

Steve: Well hang on, Rick, let’s--before we carry on, let’s explain what happened, ‘cause people might not have listened last week.

Ricky: I don’t believe that.

Steve: There are one or two, Rick.

Ricky: I don’t believe that, name them.

Steve: People who are ill, maybe out of the country.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Um--yeah, so last week we discovered--was it that 623... eh, is it 6000?

Karl: No, I read that 6,000 balloons filled with helium can lift a bloke off the floor.

Ricky: I think that’s too many. I think that’s too many, I think we could do it for less, certainly with you.

Steve: Well anyway listen, there are various organizations which actually exist already, that can provide this kind of entertainment, this kind of fun, I’ll b--I didn’t realize that there was a whole kind of market for this, already, but apparently there is.

Ricky: Nor did I, no.

Steve: Incredible. Anyway, em, so we’re gonna try and track one of them down, we’re gonna see if they can, they can eh, organize it so that you, Karl, can float into the air, we need to get you--is it at least eleven feet up? ‘Cause...

Karl: Yeah, if it’s...

Steve: ...and I think, certainly higher, I mean I can’t remember what the record is, but it’s quite a long way up.

Ricky and Karl: 11,000 feet.

Steve: 11,000 feet.

Ricky: Yeah, but I think they’re all official, we’re--I wanna do it with like little, those little balloons you get for a quid at the zoo or summat.

Steve: I don’t think that can be right, health and safety wise. I don’t think that can be healthy.

Karl: I just--

Ricky: I think--I think if we get him to sign summat, which I will...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: ...eh, I think we’ll cover ourselves.

Steve: You’ll be fine. But yeah, certainly we’re thinking of making it a bit like eh... was it--is it ‘T in the Park’?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The old Capital FM, uh...

Ricky: Yeah, the big event.

Steve: You can get sort of Steps, at least ‘H’ from Steps can come down and host the event.

Ricky: I mean eh--or, or I don’t mind compering it. Steve’s gonna do, eh, Steve’s learning to sort of like, scratch and mix and beat-match and, he’s--I mean you’re getting pretty...

Steve: I’m making a lot of progress, yeah.

Ricky: You--you’re--you’re--you are going to be a turntable-ist, uh-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve never learnt an instrument, which he regrets... y’know, and uh, y’know he’s a modern lad. And eh, he’s eh, he’s using turntables as his instrument.

Steve: I just got two turntables and a microphone and so far, I mean lads, seriously, I’m cuttin’ it up, big style.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No, don’t--don’t laugh, ‘cause it is mental, the kind of stuff I’m comin’ out with. And I’m scratchin’… I got the--I got the beats, y’know, matching.

Ricky: Can you imagine that?

Steve: Shut-up! It’s-

Ricky: No no, if--if...

Steve: Look at The Chemical Brothers for goodness sake--if you’re talking about freaks look at those weirdoes!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Man Alive!

Ricky: At least you cut your hair at Gavin’s.

Steve: You know the recent-

Ricky: Whatever it’s called.

Steve: They used to kind of at least faintly appear in their videos. The recent one is just some shots of like, what you see from outside a train.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: That’s--to them, that is more glamorous and exciting, apparently, than seeing the lads themselves in the video.

Ricky: Who do you think’s cooler, to look at, Steve or The Chemical Brothers?

Karl: Steve.

Steve: Definitely, yes! You’re absolutely right, Karl, and that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said for a long time.

Karl: If I was to work with Steve, on some music...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If I had the choice, I think Steve would look better on a... album cover.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What would you do, would you change him at all, to--what would you do with his image?

Karl: I’d put him in the distance, so I think...

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I can’t believe this is, this is happening.

Karl: No just so you don’t look as tall--that’s doing you a favour.

Steve: You know I was on the--this is true--I was on the, eh, on the tube, right, coming in to meet Gervais the other day, and I was wearing a suit and my mobile phone slipped out of my pocket and it landed on the seat. And I didn’t realize this, and as I was about to get off, some bloke who was sat there, like an old guy, he picked up the phone--he went “Oi! Uh... Lanky! You dropped your mobile phone”. And I was like “Well, I thank you for pointing out I dropped my phone, but did you have to do the ‘Lanky’?”

Karl: But you knew who he meant, I bet you turned around straight away. It worked.

Ricky: “Knew who he meant”, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, but...

Ricky: He’s done you again--he’s stitched you up.

Steve: But I was the only person stood up, it was a fairly empty train.

Ricky: Was th--was there any other lanky people there?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Well then.

Steve: No but my point was there was no one else at all who was about to exit the train.

Ricky: Okay, so he didn’t need ‘lanky’, what...

Steve: He could have gone, “Excuse me sir”, or “Oi you!”--anything but “Oi Lanky!”

Ricky: I know.

Karl: It’s that thing though, innit? That’s what I’m talking about, you say the thing that you don’t wanna say. It’s like me with Ken Dodd and Will.

Steve: I think he wanted to say this.

Karl: Ah well.

Steve: I think he took pleasure in it.

Ricky: I think he went, “That bloke’s lanky. I shouldn’t say that--yeah I should”. “Oi Lanky!--

Steve: “What’s he gonna do?”

Ricky: You dropped your phone.” Yeah. “Do you want your phone back or not?”

Karl: Well this balloon thing anyway, I...it’s got a bit out of hand.

Ricky: No-

Steve: Why is it got out of hand, what are you worried about?

Ricky: No, it’s funny. I just wanna--I wan--y’know--I wanna sort of like tie ‘em all to the back of your belt so as you go up there, you sort of tip forward slightly, so you’re going up slightly upside down.

Steve: We could paint some advertising on your bald head.

Ricky: On your--yeah, oh that would be great.

Karl: Yeah we’ll do that Lanky.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Ah that’d be great!

Steve: Here he comes.

Karl: No, I mean, last week it was just a bit of fun about going like, just lifting me feet off the ground.

Ricky: No.

Karl: And that’s a big difference to what it’s got now.

Ricky: No, okay th--I’ll tell you what, we’ll do a hundred feet in the air, and we--and I’ll hold on to the rope.

Steve: But we’ll do it at Wembley Arena and we’ll sell tickets. But it’ll be for charity, Karl.

Karl: Yeah I know.

Ricky: For charity.

Steve: We’ll have lots of underprivileged kids comin’ along, to see it y’know

Karl: It’s gotten out of hand, it’s like... em, y’know, I like... karaoke... but I wouldn’t want to go on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And it’s got out of hand--that’s how it’s sort of, it’s grown too big. I don’t like it.

Steve: Who would you do if you were on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’?

Karl: I’d do that, eh...

Ricky: Moby?

Karl: No that, “Jack the Knife” song. I love that.

Steve: “Jack The Knife”.

Ricky: “Old Macheath he...” That one, yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Is Mack the knife?

Karl: That’s what I’d do.

Steve: But which ch--who would...

Ricky: No but he’d, he’d do a hip-hop version.

Steve: But which of the many singers would you impersonate? You can’t--it’s not the song, is it? It’s the singer.

Ricky: Uh, you could do, um, Jimmy Somerville, I think... quite well.

Steve: Yeah, Somerville you’d be good at.

Ricky: Uh, Moby. Um, did Morph bring out a single?

Steve: I don’t think Morph did.

Ricky: Didn’t he?

Steve: No I’m not sure.

Ricky: I’m sure--didn’t he have a theme tune--did Morph? Phone in if you think Morph...

Steve: Morph didn’t speak, Rick. Let alone sing.

Ricky: Didn’t he? Morph hardly had any features.

Steve: True.

Karl: Right.

Song: ?