28 May 2005/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 28 May 2005 episode, from Xfm Series 4
I'm Not Made of Money, Rick!
Ricky: Since you been gone by Rainbow, since we've been gone, Steve, what's been going on mate?
Steve: Well so much has happened, hasn't it, in the world, you know, in politics and stuff, there's been an election.
Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and our producer.
Ricky and Steve giggle.
Ricky: I say 'producer'.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Karl Pilkington.
Karl: Alright?
Ricky: Yeah very good, we've been away a while, I think the last show we did was Jan 2004.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: ... and nothing's changed.
Steve: Nothing's changed whatsoever.
Ricky: ...nothing's been mended. I mean I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Before I went, before I left.
Steve: ...yeah there's some of your old bacon rinds from that sandwich, still left over there.
Ricky: Yeah, the spare ribs on the floor, nothing's changed at all, oh that's not true, the listenership's changed, it went down slightly didn't on the last Rajar.
Steve: Well I don't know, I don't know, is that, is that what happened? Did it go down slightly Karl?
Karl: A little bit I think.
Ricky: I don't think Xfm gets new listeners, I think what happens is, the reason it goes down, just very slightly each time is their old listeners die, you know, old Cure fans dying of...
Steve: ...smack addiction.
Ricky: Yeah! Gout! Well, but anyway, I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one which is probably quite a high percentage.
Steve: Exactly!
Ricky: So, um...
Steve: Well, I suppose, my question to you Rick would be, you know, why now, why come back now?
Ricky: Bit bored, bored of sitting at home.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Cos we're just here for six weeks.
Ricky: Six weeks, well, we're standing in for Adam and Joe aren't we?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Ah, the tables have turned, I remember when they were standing in for us.
Ricky: Yeah, I...don't...
Steve: Well, the only reason I'm here is that my housekeeper cleans between 1 and 3.
Ricky: Oh right that's a good idea.
Steve: So I thought I'd nip, get out of the house.
Ricky: and, er, are they listening to Xfm?
Steve: Well no she doesn't speak English. I'm not made of money Rick.
Ricky screeches with laughter.
Steve: You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then I will do, and there are so many things I can do for one, in so many ways.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: But her picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal, so that's why I'm here, but all I'm worried about is, I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality, you know, your live stand up DVDs, there's a level of quality, you put a lot of work into them, you've honed it. The TV work you've done likewise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?
Ricky: Definitely not.
Steve: No.
Ricky: Definitely not. Those things, you, you, you know, you sit down, we write them, for a long time, we write 'em for a year, maybe, then film them, we worry about everything, this is, I really... I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating a sandwich as we speak. You know, you know, if you... although we do like music. That is true.
Steve: That's absolutely right.
Ricky: Should we just play some great records?
Steve: Let's play a great record now.
The Old Finger Up The Arse
To be completed.
Try Both
To be completed.
Nowt There
To be completed.
They Don't Age well
To be completed.
Gog-lanker
To be completed.
That's Awful Karl
To be completed.
Where's A Tsunami When You Need One
To be completed.
That Sounded Great!
To be completed.
It's Like Jackass
To be completed.
They're Just Walkies
To be completed.