06 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 06 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Make Ricky Gervais Laugh

Song: Travis - Flowers in the Window.

Ricky: That was the Travis and some flowers through my window.

Steve laughs

Ricky: This is Xfm 104.9 of a Saturday afternoon, just gone six minutes past one, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant.Hi.

Steve: Hello there, hi good to talk to you.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington is over there.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Keeps it real.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Respect Karl.

Ricky Sighs.

Steve: Rick I just think, you know, we wanna lift off the show straight away.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Into the err stratosphere.

Ricky: Yeh.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And erm the best way to do that it seemed to me is to resurrect a game we used to play when we first began the show in old Xfm days .

Ricky: Oh yeh.

Steve: Do you remember the game, do you remember the game make Ricky Gervais...

Ricky: Rub,rub me hard.

Steve: Rub you hard? .

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: No that was only in the pilot we never actually did that live on air.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um no it was the game Make Ricky Gervais Laugh.

Ricky: Oh I remember yeh.

Steve: And we used to get people err, Karl you probably didn’t hear it, we used to get people to sort of send in pictures and err jokes and stuff. And if I could make Ricky laugh on air with those.

Ricky: He won a toffee.

Steve: Then they won a gift of some kind.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Anyway erm a lot of emails actually saying people love your laugh Rick, so in a sense were giving people what they want.

Ricky: They must be taking the mickey.

Steve: But this is a picture I found in today’s copy of the sun, so if err you're listening at home and you wanna know what the picture looks like rush out and buy a copy only 40p.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And err.

Ricky: Are we sponsored by The Sun, we do White Van Man.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: It amused me straight away this, because bear in mind,

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It is one of the worlds biggest rock stars.

Ricky: Ok.

Steve: Just check out the face.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh that’s fantastic.

Steve: Look at that.

Ricky: Oh that is Michael Stipe oh dear with sort of glasses... looking like I dunno some sort of Nazi officer.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That’s not libelous.

Steve: That’s not libelous, in your opinion Michael Stipe.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: He’s outside there during the press conference for Peter Buck's...

Ricky: It’s not a good picture. I love I think I love REM and I love Michael Stipe. I think he’s a lovely man, but that’s a bad picture isn’t it.

Ricky laughs

Steve: He’s got big glasses on and stubble and obvious … he doesn’t appear to be looking at anything. He’s looking right beyond everyone else.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Can you see that Karl.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I'll tell you who he looks like, he looks like Zig I think from Zig and Zag.

Ricky laughs

Steve: He looks like he is a muppet….

Ricky: Well there you go.

Steve: ..Made of foam.

Ricky: Nice to see that game come back.

Ricky: Yeh .

Steve: A roaring success.

Ricky: On the medium of radio.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Oh what a good picture that is, I hope you enjoyed it. Coming up soon we’ve got Sir David of Bowie.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Nicholas cave, err and Travis, Flowers in the Window again.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a song.

Karl: Alright.

Song: Daft Punk - Aerodynamic

Have You Got Any Fromage?

Ricky: Aerodynamic, on Xfm 104.9. S’alright.

Steve: Uneventful wasn’t it.

Ricky: Really, like they left a sequencer going for a little while.

Steve laughs

Steve: Popped out for a coffee.

Ricky: Yeh I don’t wanna diss the funny little French lads.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But err you know.

Steve: Try harder.

Ricky: Are they French?

Steve: Yeh oh god yeh.

Ricky: “Soreh”.

Steve laughs

Steve: Do you speak much French Rick?.

Ricky: I speak “un peu”.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: I can ask where is the tourist information bureau, and erm I like, I can express my preference in music taste, and I can order an Orangina, and that’s all I can do.

Ricky: I know un bière, blonde, pression, I think that means erm draught, you French.

Steve: Tu aime le music folk?

Ricky Sighs

Ricky: That’s filthy. Do you know what that means Karl?

Karl: No go on.

Ricky: Really dirty.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Really dirty.

Steve: Tu aime le music folk?

Ricky: Yeh you dirty…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: ..You...

Karl: Doesn’t affect me.

Ricky: You filthy little.

Karl: Oh right.

Steve: Frenchy.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Alright?

Steve: Do you know much French, Karl?

Karl: Erm, have you got any fromage?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That’d work.

Karl: Is that cheese or fish?

Steve: That’d be fine.

Ricky: Its cheese, its cheese.

Steve: Would you not care which one you were given? You like both.

Karl: I think...

Ricky: That’s a whole different kettle of poisson.

Karl: Yeh. Yeh.

Karl chuckles

Karl: I just think when you’re in, in a country you should have a little go.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well.

Steve: That’s a very little go.

Ricky: Yeh you mean like football hooligans have a little go, what do you mean?

Karl: You know try and have a go at their err.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Their language and that.

Ricky: Well what I do is I go in there and I point and talk a bit louder than usual, in perfect English.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And if they don’t get it, I go mental.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Secure in the fact that I’ve tried my best and they’re having a laugh.

Steve: And that is the prerogative of all Englishmen.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Or just point.

Steve: Point and shout.

Ricky: Yeh. Point and shout, don’t forget you know because you can never be foreign if your English anywhere, no. They’re speaking funny. Just remember that, yeh.

Karl: Yeh.

Steve begins to sing the British National Anthem

Steve: “God save our..”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry go on then you were going to say something else.

Ricky: Yeh erm that picture you were showing me was I wish we could post one on the website of Karl you know when we won that we won an award ages ago, what was it called? The British Radio Authority award.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: And erm we made Karl get in the picture, and he was a bit (inaudible) and everything but it came out nice, but his head is perfectly circular.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I put a coin on it, and it and only the ears popped out from behind the coin, isn’t it perfectly round, isn’t it?

Karl: I mean when you’ve been saying I’ve got a round head, I was a bit like “Yeh everyone has, stop having a go."

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: And then I saw this picture last week, I thought “God he’s right."

Ricky: Can we...

Karl: It is...

Ricky: Can’t we just pop it on the Xfm website?

Karl: I’d rather not.

Ricky: Oh go on.

Karl: Steve have you seen that man in a jar without a brain?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sorry you’ll... is that something… is that a product you can buy?

Ricky laughs

Steve: In like Sainsbury’s?

Ricky: Is it a dream you had yesterday?

Steve: Man in a Jar.

Ricky: “Yes hello, erm could you make my dream into reality please?’ “We can’t actually sir.” “In err plastic would be good.”

Steve: Sorry what do you mean...

Ricky: In the future you’ll be able to download your dreams and then just like act them out again probably in the year 2000 or summit.

Steve: Soothsayer.

Karl: No there’s some museum somewhere.

Steve: Yeh.

Karl: That’s got this little fella, who was born without a brain, and he’s in a jar and it’s just that he’s got a really round head.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And when I saw this picture I thought, god it just reminded me of this little fella in a jar.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Hold on what do you mean he’s born without a brain.

Karl: He was born without a brain.

Ricky: So it’s a baby?

Karl: Err.

Steve: It’s not a little fella.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Yeh but its weird.

Ricky: Do you know the difference, do you have conversations with like people in prams thinking, That fella’s little and he doesn’t talk much!

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: You know babies aren’t like little people?

Karl: We’ll maybe.

Ricky: Well they are little people but I mean they’re not, they’re not very small adults. They’re not like midgets.

Steve: They don’t do a job of work is what Ricky’s saying.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeh… what do you mean?.

Karl: I didn’t read about it I just saw the picture and…

Steve: This is where you’re going wrong Karl, this is always your mistake, you see the picture, you don’t read the little caption underneath.

Ricky: But what do you mean how…

Steve: You guess at what you think the meaning is.

Ricky: But how do you know he didn’t have a brain?

Karl: It said something like The Brainless Man.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeh but most people say that about you. It doesn’t mean literally you haven’t got a spinal...

Karl: No no. I bet somebody’s seen it and knows what I mean, it’s a famous picture.

Ricky: Right call in, 08700 800 1234, once again, you win a prize if you can tell us what Karl is talking about.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Just in general, it’s an on going competition.

Steve laughs

Ricky: We’ll try and find some CDs for anyone who knows what Karl is talking about.

Song: Stereophonics – Vegas Two Times

Ask Your Mother

Ricky: Stereophonics Vegas Two Times, well we've had calls confirming that there was indeed a um faetus or, or a stillborn child.

Steve: A pickled baby

Ricky: A pickled baby, no wonder it died, born without a brain erm but everyone has um you know pointed out it wasn't a little fella.

Steve: It certainly wasn't a little fella.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: Yeah but because it had been in the jar for a long time I think it had aged a bit.

Ricky and Steve Laughs

Steve: What are you basing that on?

Ricky: You do carry on growing, yeah.

Steve: Of course

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Your ears and your nose

Ricky: Your ears and your nose and your eyes don't grow so er.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You could probably...yeah.

Karl: I'll dig it out for you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Imagine if, if like there was an experiment where they were raising a child just based on the information that we said on the radio.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: What kind of a person would they be?

Ricky: It was like download, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: What kind of information would they have?

Ricky: And it took everything literally.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Nothing,yeah there was there was no irony or yeah, it was just.

Steve: It was just everything we said it assumed was fact, everything Karl said they assumed was factual.

Ricky: And any question, any question it had about the world it could just ask Karl.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And it would be.

Steve: Now you see this worries me without wishing to be disrespectful in any way, you know I think you're the best man on earth, when you have a child we could be in a situation a bit like that. Is it a concern for you do you think when your son is growing or your daughter and there askin' you questions, you're conscious, I mean you yourself have admitted.

Karl: I'd just say...

Steve: You have a sphere of knowledge which you are an expert on.

Karl: 'Ask you mother'.

Steve: You'd say 'Ask your mother'.

Ricky: That's good.

Steve: That's great, fair enough.

Ricky: That's good.

Karl: And I'd play with it, I think I'd be a good dad.

Ricky: Yeah I think you would.

Karl: But I wouldn't be the one shouting at it.

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, who would you get to shout at it probably Windsor Davis, he'd be good wouldn't he. "You horrible little man".

Karl: You know I'd tell it the rights and wrong, you don't have to be a really bright person to know rights and wrong in the world.

Ricky: No, I think you are bright Karl.

Steve: You are, and at what point in their um in their life would you tell them the about evolution of the baguette? Which you told us the other week.

Ricky: Or the story of the bee.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: That you scored once.

Steve: Or the two children, would you ever get them to meet, as maybe I dunno they could be god-parents, the friends you had at school.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: With the webbed hands.

Ricky: The big heads and the webbed hands.

Karl: They weren't me friends.

Ricky: That weren't friends.

Steve: I wish we could track them down.

Ricky: Arr they'd be great.

Steve: I imagine they're in a zoo or something.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Oh wow.

Ricky: Or two big jars.

Steve: A safari park, yeah.

Ricky: Or two big jars, industrial strength jars.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: Oh man.

Ricky: Guess what.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: This is one of our last shows, were going away I’m afraid on the erm fourth of May isn’t it.

Steve: I can’t remember.

Ricky: That’s our last show the fourth of May erm.

Karl: Yeh not forever.

Ricky: I brought a downer on the whole thing then didn’t I.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: There’s people cheering away. Guess who’s taking over from us. And I found this out, I was watching Liquid News the other night.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: No one had called me… Zoë Ball.

Steve: Well she’s a good presenter but is this confirmed?

Ricky: I don’t know, should I have said that?

Steve: Is this true?

Karl: Err, yeh I think it’s alright, well yeh you’ve done it now. She was in the other day you watched it on the telly so.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: But what annoys me is, this is rather like when we got, according to last weeks Media Guardian, we got rapped for err saying the word ‘cock’ on the radio, and erm we never did did we? that was, we had to read that on the internet, no one ever told us.

Ricky: That just slipped out of your mouth didn’t it?

Steve: What’s that, ‘cock?’

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Yeh so anyway.

Steve: And erm now we don’t even get told face to face that Zoë Ball’s gunna take over.

Karl: Yeh but it was only like sorted out the other day, and when I saw you the other day.

Ricky: We’re allowed to say 'ball' aren’t we?

Karl: Yeh when I saw you yesterday, I said yeh it’s... .

Ricky: So were not allowed to say.

Karl: Ohh.

Ricky: No I. No I'm not going to say the word, were not going to say, were not allowed to say the, we are allowed to say the male bird is a ‘cock.’ But were not allowed to say the other one, but we are allowed to say ‘ball’.

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: What if her and her dad, Bobby, would they be, would we be allowed to say they’re ‘a pair of balls.’ We’d be allowed to say that, I don’t know.

Karl: I don’t think he's part of the deal.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: So you don’t need to.

Ricky: In fact if she’s listening call in and confirm it, we’ll let her on the air won’t we. As long as she doesn’t swear.

Steve: Yeh don’t be rude.

Ricky: Yeh don’t be rude Zoë.

Steve: Blue.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Don’t be cheap basically.

Ricky: Better warn her as well not to leave too much, nothing lying around, cos it will be gone. Especially if its skag.

Ricky chuckles.

Song: Echo & the Bunnymen– Killing Moon.

If It Was a Chicken It Would Work

Ricky: Now again I broke the rules in the week; I met up with Karl.

Steve: You shouldn't have been doing.

Ricky: I had lunch with him and we were chatting and having a cup of tee and it got on to one of Karl's favorite programmes 'The Tales of the Unexpected'.

Steve: Harr, of course.

Ricky: And all i could think is that he's probably the only person in Britain where they were unexpected.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I mean to him when that that twist came at the end he'd go "Ohh gee I can't".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Oh god".

Steve: "I can't believe".

Ricky: "So it was the tree that did it". I mean he's probably the only, and I and we were telling all these stories of horror and he liked horror stories and that and I told him this story and I don't know weather this will come across on the radio and I told him this story, it was a short, it was a horror short.

Steve: This was a film you saw was it?

Ricky: Yeah yeah and um it started off there was this car crash a horrendous wreck and you saw it from the point of view of the person in the car and he was calling for his mate and he was going "Dave" and he sort of he sort of looked over and saw a body without a head that had been thrown and he goes "Oh no - Dave, Dave" and then in to the field of view came Dave his mate and looked at him with a look of horror then it sort of went black and you realised he was just a head and it had been his body.

Steve: Oh wow.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I said and then it came up at the end at the executions in the French revolution people experienced consciousness for you know, and he went he went "Ohh...no" he said, "You wouldn't it wouldn't be for that long", and then he went "If it was a chicken it would work".

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Imagine remaking that film...

Steve: Two chickens.

Ricky: But with two chickens in horrendous car crash.

Steve: Their own fault for driving, Rick.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It would work,"No, no" he wasn't havin' that.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: "No it was too long" I think he said "How long was this film" I went about five minutes he went "No, it would work if it was a chicken".

Steve: I like the way that Karl when you relate an incident like that he is appalled and offended and annoyed with the people that made it even though he has never seen it.

Ricky: Oh he's annoyed yeah.

Karl: I wanna see it, I think its a good idea.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But they should have thought it through a bit more.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Do you have a favourite Tales of the Unexpected one you remember particularly that shook you up.

Karl: Yeah we were talking about the one on erm where er theres some women in prison, have you seen that one?

Steve: I can't remember them all.

Karl: Right this women's in prison.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And she gets a bit friendly with the guy that takes the dead bodies out.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And er he says "I can get you out of here" said "What you got to do, right, you've got to er I dunno at midnight creep in".

Ricky: "When you hear the bell toll that means there's been a dead body".

Karl: Yeah "Theres been a dead body so what you've got to is go into like the er place where all the dead bodies are and get in the first coffin on the right and then I'll come along and carry you out and you can run away and escape".

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right so she goes "Yeah alright" so she hears the bell go.

Ricky: No "I'll bury you right and then I'll come back later and dig you up" thats the point.

Steve: Right.

Karl: That bit doen't matter.

Ricky: I does matter. Trust me Karl, it really matters.

Karl: Right OK.

Steve: Listen I don't know if I going to ruin this for people at home.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Can I just skip to the end I would imagine that she gets buried and he doesn't come back and she has to get buried alive.

Karl: No better than than that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: OK.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: No she, she does it she gets into the coffin.

Karl: Yeah sh sh sh.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right, so she gets into the coffin and er shes lying there for ages.

Ricky: She's buried.

Karl: She can feel a bit of movement going on so obviously you know being carried somewhere, so she's thinking this is it i'm getting out, and er shes lying there for ages and thinking why isn't someone comeing along and lifting the lid off this, do know what I mean, letting me get out so she's really bored she gets a lighter out, right, lights it to have a look who she is lying on, its only the fella who said she he'd help escape.

Steve: Aaoorh.

Karl: How bad is that?

Steve: That is (laughs) "How bad is that?".

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: So it is quite important that she's buried alive then isn't it, in retrospect you realise that the jeopardy is that she's buried alive and can't get out.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, makes it so much worse than just like lying in a morgue and going "actually i'm getting out of here".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "This isn't going to work".

Steve: Look at Karl's face having told that.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: He is so pleased, his face is lit up, he's beaming like a child.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Have you seen any?

Ricky: Is that your favorite horror thing ever?

Karl: Thats a good one and erm.

Ricky: Lets see if anyone knows what the finger is.

Karl: Oh yeah.

Ricky: When that bloke was underground wiggling his finger.

Karl: We were talking about one with er some fella who's stuck in the ground or something.

Steve: This is a motif I notice in your particular favorite ones.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Steve: People stuck in the ground.

Karl: Yeah right.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: So ...

Steve: This is a fella is it?

Karl: Yeah a fella, stuck. Now I seem to remember it just being his foot, to be honest, being stuck in a hole.

Ricky: No he was under the ground and he got a little thing out of the pavement and he put his finger up and wiggled it, to try and catch attention, then you see a women come along and her stiletto heel just knocks his finger off.

Karl: You see, I wondering weather it was the same one as I saw.

Ricky: Yeah there could be two like that couldn't there it's..

Steve: They were running out of ideas by the last series.

Ricky: It's a big theme in hollywood.

Karl: Or erm, what was that one you told me about with the er with the porn, that was a good one.

Ricky: Oh, this was fantastic ,right, right there was this er.

Steve: Sorry can I just check now we're just remembering classic episodes of the tales of the unexpected now, are we.

Ricky: No, no, this is important, I saw one right, I saw one on tales of the unexpectd, right, and it was um er these two gents um err what they used do to they'd look down the obituaries and they'd blackmail the um wife or the son of a dead eminent person like might be a priest or a doctor or summet and they'd go and they'd say "he bought some erotic stuff from us before he died and he owes a hundred guinnies" and all this sort of stuff and um they'd pay up becuase it was so embarrising they just didn't want, the so they'd just pay him,right.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And this one bloke said "who are these people? I'll meet with them" and he goes round there, and he goes round and they go "your father..." and he goes "my father could not have bought any erotic material from you" and they go "dedede" and he goes "he couldn't have; he's blind" ,right, and that was the twist and Karl went "so it was magasins not videos then".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Yeah, now think about it steve is that so stupid?

Steve: Well, presumably it was set in olden times.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Because people...

Karl: Arr right.

Steve: Professional photographers don't tend to call it, you know, erotic materials.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They tend to call it, you know, juicy jugs or whatever.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But more than that I dont' understand how a video is going to be any use to a blind person either. I know that you can hear the sound, Karl.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Look at him nodding like he's caught me out.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah what sound will you hear: (music from start of his stand-up Animals)

Steve: Ooh aah.

Ricky: "Your meter needs looking at?" "yes" cut. What's then? What's that? Then its just noises isn't it?

Steve: Occasional groans.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, OK.

Steve: You could listen through your wall at your neighbours.

Ricky: He does.

Steve: I mean that's why I save alot of money.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But, I thought you were going to point out, Karl, that they could of had a brail Porno. Now have you thought of that?

Ricky: Yeah, feel the lumps on that.

Steve: Exactly, think about it Karl!

Ricky: Think about it!

Steve: Your excited now.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Your girlfriend's away Karl.

Ricky: The cheese grater is only under the cupbaord.

Steve: Now shes a good looking lady...next we've got White Van Karl.

Karl Groans

Song: The Doves - There Goes the Fear

The Horse in the House - part 1

Song: Star Sailor – Poor Misguided Fool

Ricky: Star Sailor, Poor Misguided Fool. Well, it’s time…well.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: That time innit.

Steve: Yep, play the jingle.

Ricky: Yeah. “White Van Man…Karl”

Steve Laughs

Steve: Brilliant, recorded at great expense that jingle.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay so this is where we just, err hijack an idea from The Sun which is White Van Man where The Sun asks umm in this instance a cabbie by the look of it. Oh no, a fruit and veg shop owner.

Ricky: Ours is, ours is err ours is slightly different because The Sun sorta like umm err pick on a perfectly normal member of the public.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So that’s where we’ve got the twist.

Steve: Yeah the upper hand.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah and err they ask him about the err you know the hot potatoes and umm this week Karl my first question to you err your err just well your thoughts please on the criticism of the BBC over their coverage of the Queen Mum’s death. What d’you make of this, you aware of all the criticism that Peter Sissons asked some probing questions and he wore a burgundy tie?

Ricky: I thought, that’s it yea he just had a… didn’t show respect he just had a burgundy tie on.

Karl: See that, that’s not really not showin’ respect is it?

Ricky: No its not.

Karl: You know, you show your respect by sort of doin’ the news on it, givin’ her a bit of coverage and showin’ what a good woman she was and whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then you move onto sport news or whatever.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yep I totally agree.

Karl: I don’t like the way everything’s morbid, I was thinkin’ about it umm it’s like umm you know that way in birthday cards and that people always put funny things in them. I think you should save things like that for funerals for like funeral cards and that and try and cheer people up at times when they’re low. D’you know what I mean? Cause on your birthday you’re quite happy anyway so you don’t need someone putting a funny comment in a card I think you know when you send a card…

Ricky: What would you suggest?

Karl: Well you know erm…

Ricky: Whoopee cushion put on the vicars chair? What? How would you lighten up a funeral?

Karl: Just little things in the card I mean just writing stuff like “Well you know at least you’re still alive” or whatever.

Steve: So as you’re giving the eulogy…

Ricky: So oh that’d be good so when so suppose someone’s husband is killed in a car crash you go round with some flowers and the little card and it says “At least you’re still alive”.

Karl: Well maybe something funnier than that.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Well maybe like if you got up to do the eulogy during a funeral just wear a pair of comedy tits?

Ricky: Yeah, or those glasses that are eyes on sort of springs.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But why have…why has everyone got to be so sad about someone dying?

Ricky: I agree. No what annoys me is that when you see people on television sort of members of the public and they’re crying about the Queen Mother who was sad when anyone dies, sad when anyone’s Nan dies. She was 102 and um what you know what I mean it sort of like I think they think they should cry…I don’t understand it.

Steve: Well there’s a picture in the paper today of various people who were lining the pre umm you know the funeral route yesterday and there’s a picture of a very young child maybe sort of five or six on the arms of her dad and her head bowed and it says, “A young girl there weeps for the Queen Mother” and I was looking at it and she, you can tell she’s just tired. She’s just tired and bored and it’s so transparent that she’s not crying.

Ricky: Most people don’t cry when they’re Nan dies.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: You know its sort of like…

Steve: But what is a five year old girl gonna be… why is she gonna be crying? The Queen Mum’s dead. “I can’t believe it, Teletubbies?” No the Queen Mum. “Not the Tweenies” No it’s on in a minute.

Ricky Giggles Throughout

Karl: Yeah, you’re right.

Steve: I mean I know I’m sure that you know I don’t know much about her, I don’t know if she was a great woman and obviously you know it’s always sad when someone dies but its like it’s interesting that there was a lot of tourists in that long line of people that are now queuing for hours upon hours to see her lying in state. Because it’s clearly just people who want to be part of history.

Ricky: It must be gutting if you’re over from Sweden and you find out that you know the Queen Mum’s died.

Steve: Oh he must be devastated.

Ricky: You probably don’t want to carry on with you’re visit…really.

Steve: Exactly. Okay listen Karl umm…

Karl: Think we’ve covered that.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: What do you make of the umm the first genetically modified baby?

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Are you worried about this?

Karl: Do you know what did they do what…

Steve: Let me see what it says here um it says err…

Ricky: Well isn’t it just choosing the choosing the you know eye colour or…

Steve: Well this is the concern isn’t it that in the future you’ll be able to decide err whether it’s a boy or a girl, what how intelligent it is what it looks like, is it handsome is it ugly. Obviously no-one will choose an ugly baby and so on and so on and so on and so it means that you know what where will it lead? Where will it end Karl? Are you concerned?

Karl: I’ve thought about this a lot ‘cause…

Ricky: What will us three look like in the future if they’re being genetically modified, beautiful people? What will we be like? How will we be considered in society?

Karl: That’s true yeah. But we’ve talked about this before haven’t we, about err the cloning thing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That’s a bit weird

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But I erm I don’t think it matters at the end of the day right you might look like some other kid but it’s the way that you’re brought up that will change your features and the way you are you know you’re personality.

Ricky: If you lie you get a long nose don’t you?

Karl: Well no but listen right ‘cause I remember when when we were you know I was growing up on this estate…

Ricky: This is gonna be good…go on.

Karl: No, no its not its just an example of how this doesn’t work.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: so we don’t need to worry sort of think.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So I’m growing up on this estate and there was a, there was this woman about four houses down right, is a bit rough.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Didn’t fancy her?

Karl: Oh god no! But she had a baby…

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Why? Well tell me about her first. I’m interested in this woman. Why was she…

Karl: It was a very…

Ricky: Was it like Bernard Manning in a dress?

Karl: I mean I didn’t grow up in a posh house or anything…

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And I’m not saying that if you live in a bit of a rough house, you’re a bad person…

Ricky: What did she look like? Tattoos? Did she look like Tony Green with a fag on?

Karl: They didn’t clean up much right.

Ricky: Ah.

Karl: Which, even if you’ve not got a lot of money you can still make it look nice right?

Ricky: Get some Jiff. Yeah.

Karl: But she didn’t and a kid used to take a horse into the house.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Sorry.

Steve: Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.

Ricky: Woah neddy, woah neddy. What do you mean a kid used to take a horse into the house? Where did he get a horse?

Karl: Must've nicked it from somewhere.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Must have done.

Ricky: “Sir have you seen a horse around here?” No!

Steve: What is that from outside the saloon round the corner?

Ricky: Yeah was it just tied up with a bit of…

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Right and erm…I’d been out…

Ricky: That’s great. Did Big Jake come a’looking for it?

Steve: Yeah exactly.

Karl: I’d been out and umm…

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So let me get this…this was before the lynching stopped or after?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Where did he get a horse from? What do you mean he must have nicked it? His mum said “Where did you get that from?” He said “I bought it.” “Alright then, but keep it out the kitchen!”

Steve: I don’t want you going cattling rustling.

Ricky & Karl Laugh

Ricky: Where did he get a horse from Karl, and how long did he have it for? Was he leading it or riding it? “Mam open the door I cant stop!”

Steve Laughs

Steve: I can’t stop it, open the patio door as well I’ll be…

Ricky: Looks like we got us a runaway!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: What are…do you mean?

Karl: I dunno but the thing is they couldn’t afford to buy one ‘cause they’re not cheap. So I’m just guessing, maybe that’s wrong of me. But I think…

Steve: He had a horse?

Karl: Yeah right so…

Steve: That’s why the family didn’t have any money, they spend it on the horse!

Ricky: Exactly!

Karl: That’s what I’m saying, I don’t think they would have bought it. So anyway…

Steve: Yeah its wise to whisper Karl, in case they’re listening.

Ricky & Steve Laugh

Ricky: Yeah and its not…

Steve: They could be in the room next door.

Ricky: Its not the buying it, it’s the keeping it as well…Oh.

Karl: But…

Ricky: What?

Karl: So I was like in the car with me dad coming into the avenue and you used to have to drive down it to turn round.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And err, and you know sort of go back to our house.

Ricky: You had the traditional method of transport, yeah.

Karl: And err, the horse was in the lounge.

Ricky: Reading a paper?

Karl: Just like walking around.

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: What?

Karl: And when I, when I was doing – I tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in plastic cups…

Ricky: What? This is genius! He just keeps coming what do you mean you tried to flog little flowers? What do you mean?

Karl: Well…

Steve: Woah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, let’s play a record, let’s play a record and come back to this…

Ricky: Wait a minute, wait a minute…

Steve: ‘Cause this story is just gonna unravel and unravel and go on for hours.

Ricky: Yeah it gets deeper and deeper. Its like an onion isn’t it!

Steve: Let’s play a track Karl, we’ve created a whole world here where there’s a man living with a horse.

Ricky: Just walking around the lounge!

Steve: I mean I come from the West Country and I’ve never heard anything like that!

Ricky: I just think of a big sort of like orange carpet and it’s got a re diffusion telly and its got the horse going “Oh I’m fed up in here”.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: This is really… yeah!

Steve: I am not taking the rubbish out again!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Right, play a record, let's have Velvet Underground. We got that lined up haven’t we?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh God!

Steve: A classic from the first album err ‘I’m Waiting for the Man’, let's come back to the horse in a second…

Ricky: …little flowers in pots! What do you mean? Oh…

Steve Laughs

Song:Velvet Underground – Waiting for the Man

All Art is Quite Useless

Song: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Whatever Happened to my Rock 'N Roll

Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Whatever Happened to my Rock 'N Roll. Well, nearly the end of the show.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just time for err The Re-Education of umm Karl revisited.

Steve: Mmhmm

Ricky: Still got Nick Cave to come haven’t we.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Err now, Karl. You read a quote book, what did you learn from it? What what, tell us some pearls of wisdom from it, just keep it down to one or two: your favourite things and why you like them.

Karl: Right well you said like you said you said just pick a couple right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I’ve wrote a couple down last night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And what I did so they so they weren’t boring right, I’ve sort of…

Ricky: Don’t think you can ever be boring, but go on…

Karl: No, no, no, but what I’ve done I’ve I’ve took like different ones so I’ve took a good one that I think yeah that’s a good quote that’s worth putting in a book. I’ve put one that isn’t really a quote so I don’t understand it.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: One that isn’t clever.

Steve Laughs

Karl: And erm, and a funny one so a bit of variation all out of one book.

Steve: Okay, yeah.

Ricky: How long did this take you? What did you do? Did you sort of like sit…

Karl: About half an hour last night.

Ricky: And did you sit sorta like quietly at a desk or something?

Karl: No, just in the lounge with the telly turned down.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: Just to give a bit of light to the room, had it on but turned down.

Steve: Sure. Have you figures out lights yet?

Karl: So err…

Ricky and Karl Chuckle

Karl: …so the first one, never heard of him, err this guy called Dean Axon.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And this is a good one. He said “The memo is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.”

Ricky: That’s good yeah.

Steve: That’s very good. Yeah yeah, relates to lots of office life and so on.

Karl: Yep, the modern world and that.

Steve: Mmhmm

Karl: Right so then thought yeah right so I wrote that down ‘cause I liked it and that’s what you said to do.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Second one isn’t really a quote it’s more of a poem.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: So how does that work?

Ricky: Well just read it.

Karl: Right well I wont…it’s about suicide.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Right. “Razors pain ya, rivers are damp, acids stain ya, drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, so you might as well live.”

Ricky: Lovely, that’s…

Steve: Is that from Dorothy Parker?

Ricky: I tell ya what…

Karl: It is yeah…

Ricky: It……I hate it. I hate that.

Karl: Why?

Ricky: I just I it’s nothing to me that.

Karl: I think that’s…

Ricky: What is its just sort of…?

Karl: Yeah yeah yeah,

Ricky: …a weak shallow piece of mock comedy.

Karl: Alright, well this is why I did it in that order ‘cause that’s what I thought.

Ricky: It’s sort of like, it’s sort of like it’s like a zany vicar would write from living in frume when he’s about 55 and get it published in…I hate it.

Karl: Alright so you’re saying you’re not a fan of Dorothy Parker’s work right.

Ricky: Nah.

Karl: Now the next one, Oscar Wilde.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right he’s known I’n’he?

Ricky: Yes.

Karl: Look what he comes up with. “All art is quite useless”.

Ricky: Well that’s… what’s up with that?

Karl: Well it isn’t. I did art.

Ricky: No I know but its… go on next.

Steve: How has art helped you? How has it been useful to you?

Karl: It was a bit of a… it was one of the only things I liked doing at school.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D’ya know what I mean, when I made that little clay man fixing a car.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You made a clay man fixing a car? I’d forgotten about that!

Karl: How, how can he… I think that’s stupid. And especially that its gone in a book.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: D’ya know what I mean.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: It’s easy to diss things.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah its harder to… yeah you’re right, you’re right.

Ricky: I don’t think art is useless by the way. But you don’t have to agree or disagree with some of these things, some of them are you know that some one sort of sometimes it’s just their thoughts put eloquently or poetically isn’t it and its just…

Steve: Just to provoke a reaction as well as much as anything.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Mmmm well… and the good one, Ozzy Osbourne…

Steve: Ha!

Ricky: I mean, sorry let’s just go back there, the irony is that that is art. That he was an artist wasn’t he. So…

Steve: But you you, okay so you don’t, like Oscar Wilde but you prefer Ozzy Osbourne…

Ricky: Yeah go on…

Karl: Ozzy Osbourne, cracking one this, funny and educational. “I bit a head of a bat the other night, it was like eating a crunchie in a bit of shammy leather.”

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: …Genius!

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: You’re right, you’re right Karl.

Karl: Well…

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: So there’s…

Ricky: What do you like about that? The way he has described what it is like…?

Karl: I think, yeah if someone, I mean that, you can imagine what its like… ‘cause I like crunchies.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And that shammy leather is really chewy so you can imagine that that’s like the skin.

Ricky: So you like his descriptive writing?

Karl: Yeah, The crunchie bit is like the bones and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Perfect!

Steve: But you know, Karl, its interesting because you analysed Ozzy there and in a way that is the first step on maybe doing a new English GSCE, being able to study language you know…

Ricky: Yeah you’ve said why you like it, you said ‘cause it describes what a bat…well you’ve never eaten a bat yourself.

Karl: Yeah but my teacher, Mrs Cain, if I woulda come into school you know a quote by Ozzy Osbourne she wouldn’t have been happy.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: D’ya know what I mean, and that the difference between…

Ricky: She’d go, “Right Karl, get your horse and go home!”

Steve Laughs

Karl: But listen though, we were talking about other quotes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, Neil Armstrong.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’ya know his one?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What? “One giant leap for mankind?”

Ricky: D’ya know it wasn’t meant to be that? You know it says umm “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” Right.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: It was meant to be “This is one small step for a man”

Steve: Right, yes.

Ricky: I.e. me the individual on a microcosmic level, “one giant leap for mankind”, and he mucked it up. ‘Cause if you say, “This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. “Man” there means mankind.

Steve: I know I know…it’s embarrassing.

Ricky: So he… ah you shouldn’t give people your...He’s not a trained actor!

Steve Laughs

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: He’s more of an astronaut to be honest…

Steve: Has he won any awards Rick?

Ricky: Ummm…there are no awards, is he BAFTA nominated? Don’t think so!

Karl: But listen right, he said another quote as he umm as he got back into the rocket. Have you heard about it?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Well we’re running out of time and I’m wondering whether it’s worth saving as a bit of a teaser for next week.

Steve: What did Neil Armstrong say as he got back into the rocket?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Chocks away!

Ricky: Is it gonna be something like err “That was boring wasn’t it”

Steve Laughs

Ricky: “The mic’s not still on is it?”

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: “They’re not still listening in Tex…?”

Karl: Well that’s what I was saying to you. He could’ve said that and he…

Steve: “That’s not Cheese!”

Ricky and Karl Chuckle

Karl: …It would’ve still gone down as an amazing quote wouldn’t it?

Steve: Well that’s… I think that you should save it Karl…

Ricky: Buzz Aldrin went “You Tosser! I was meant to go first!”

Steve: No, I tell you what we’ll do Karl, we’ll squeeze it before the end of the show ‘cause Ricky you gotta play your song for the lovers. We should play this…

Ricky: Ohhh

Karl: I don’t think we’ll fit it in; we might have to save it.

Steve: Don’t worry; we’ll see what we can do.

Ricky: Well next week by the way you’ve got Happiness quotations, a collection of thoughtful words and beautiful paintings. I’ll just give you an example of one: “Happiness is a Perfume you can pour on others without…you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” Lovely that isn’t it.

Karl: Brilliant.

Ricky: You can’t be happy without…

Steve: Play the song, quick.

Ricky: this is Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds err from The Boatman’s Call, it’s a beautiful song any song that starts off, “I don’t believe in an interventionist God” is alright by me and this is into my arms.

Song: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms

We've Run Out of Time

Ricky: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds err Into My Arms, well that’s it, we’ve run out of time.

Steve: We have indeed.

Ricky: So no, no time for umm Karl’s quote that’ll have to come next week...

Steve: Yeah we’ll save that for next time.

Ricky: …about Neil Armstrong. Umm well I hope you err enjoyed it. Goodbye.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Alright Rick, come on sound a bit chirpier it’s not that depressing!

Ricky: Well I…yeah.

Steve: Sports next, you know how excited you are.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: You love the sport don’t you…?