Podcast Series 1

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After nearly five years on Xfm, Ricky, Steve, and Karl decided to move their popular London radio show into the realm of the podcast. Beginning in late 2005, the first series of the Ricky Gervais Show would go on to become the most successful podcast in the world. Though it was initially available as a free download through Guardian Unlimited, the series is now being sold on iTunes and audible.com.

List of Episodes

	Title	Release Date	Length
	Series 1 Episode 1	5 December 2005	31:36
	The boys embark on the first episode of their strange journey, peddling Karl to the rest of the world. Topics such as flies, condoms, tankards, dinosaurs, and space monkeys are discussed. It's good to be back.
	Series 1 Episode 2	12 December 2005	32:40
	Not a show for the easily offended, this show primarily features knob talk. The boys flex their censor-free format going over sex aids and nudists. And apparently a load of Cambodian midgets died.
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Episode Three

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/04/national/main678061.shtml

Monday 19th December 2005

Length: 31:28

• "Fuck me!" Before the jingle, Steve tries to organise some opening lines but Karl gets confused leading to profanity.

• Steve tries his hand at Monkey News: "Chimp Mauling Under Investigation". After hearing about two escaped chimpanzees who mauled a man’s face and genitals, Karl asks, "What happened to the two guilty monkeys?" and gets upset to find out they were shot dead. But soon concludes that they must have been bad in the first place if they were locked up.

• Ricky mentions Carol Thatcher eating a kangaroo's penis on the reality TV show, "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!". Karl thinks the task is extra hard because it had to be done at 7 o'clock in the morning and boldly claims "I could eat a knob at night".

• Monkey News: Once upon a time there was in a monkey sanctuary run by three humans, but things became complicated when one of the monkeys started groping an employee's breasts. The employee didn’t like it, but the boss insisted she let the monkey have its way. When the employee wouldn’t put out for the monkey, the boss sacked her and got a woman who would. The end.

• Ricky and Steve discuss angry kids with protesting t-shirts, which leads to a talk on demonstrations.

Quotes

Episode Four

Monday 26th December 2005

Length: 36:20

• Steve talks about a friend giving a "good will" gift for Christmas, which was the gift of a goat to an African family. Karl comes to the conclusion that this is pointless, as no one involved in it would be happy:

"You've got a fella who hasn't got a present over here because their mate bought them a goat, right? So there's a tick, he's not happy. Then, you've got the person who's opened it, who, like you said, wanted something else. It's a goat, they go 'who's gonna look after this?'. So tick, they're not happy. And then you've got the goat, going: what am I doing here?"

• Steve mentions that Ricky forgot to buy him a present this year, and suggests that he should pool them over the next few years and buy him a trip into space. For £200,000, Ricky would rather have a individual jetpack than a trip into space, while Karl thinks a trip into space is yet another pointless idea, as you can't get out of the shuttle. He would prefer going to another planet with aliens on it.
• Karl talks about "the loneliest man ever in the world", then ponders whether he would walk around the shuttle with no clothes on, since no one else is around. Ricky wonders whether "it floats up or down". Steve suggests it depends on the length.
• Karl is asked to choose the superpower he would like most, but he decides he doesn't want one. He already has opposable thumbs, and superheros are never happy. For example, Superman wasn't happy because he couldn't tell his pen pal "Louis" who he really was. He would much rather have a voucher for a record shop.
• "Woah, woah, don't be chucking that out, you might need that later" - Karl Pilkington, 2005
• Paul ‘The Party Animal’ Parker sends another email, this time about the origins of the kiss at a wedding. It comes from "earliest times, when the couple would actually make love for the first time under the eyes of half the village". Ricky and Steve wonder what Sting's wedding was like, and whether the guests brought sleeping bags.
• Charity workers collecting for the homeless should give up the job, homeless people can collect the money for themselves. Karl is surprised at finding a homeless Chinese person, Ricky and Steve agree with him that they're rare. The hunt for Chinese homeless begins.
• Monkey news: Cher gets interviewed for Moscow TV by a chimp in a suit; viewing figures go through the roof.

Episode Five

Monday 2nd January 2006

Length: 40:42

• Karl talks about his disgust at "bum tubes" being used when he chose to have a facial.
• Steve talks about watching a TV show called "Tribes" and Karl tries to understand why such primitive societies don't just move to the City, and, for once, Ricky agrees. Karl decides that bacteria has better lives than Inuits.
• Paul ‘The Party Animal’ Parker has been in touch again, and tells of a headline, which sparks an interesting conversation about a doctor riding a unicycle.
• Karl asks a Russian antique dealer stupid questions. And then gets annoyed because someone in Russia 'gives up' on city life, becomes a hermit and gets a 'Plaque'
• Karl believes a story that Armed Dolphins are 'swimming around' with rifles strapped to their backs, ready for war.
• Ricky and Steve present the #1 Dance remix to 'Knob At Night'

Monkey News - Ollie the chimp goes home with the zookeeper..

Episode Six

Monday 9th January 2006

Length: 32:30

• They discuss Chinese Homeless people, which moves on to Karl talking about Steve's 'different' looks.
• Karl is asked which of his 'freaks' would he rather spend a day with. It would depend on what he was doing that day, for if he was "going out and about, the pillow man, be a bit of a drag"
• Karl is asked what meal he would eat for the rest of his life if he had to, which prompts him to discuss the amount of choice there is nowadays in toffee shops.
• Karl misunderstands some metaphors such as 'a stitch in time saves nine' and 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones'. He comes up with his own interpretations, 'if you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about' or 'if you live in a glass house, you have to answer the door'
• Ricky brings the topic of conversation back to Karl's head.

The only time I wanted a wig was when I did jury duty once and it was annoying that I was sat on the jury right in front of these criminals. Everyone else has got disguises the judges have got them wigs on

• Karl learns that octopuses can use 6 of their legs to disguise themselves as a stone and use the other 2 to swim away. Ricky points out that he's thinking of Squiddly Diddly.
• Karl would rather be a mistreated chicken than a well looked after chicken, reasoning that killing a chicken with a 'rubbish life' would be kinder.
• Monkey News

Firemen in New York use a monkey from the local zoo to save the lives of some people trapped in a tall building

Episode Seven

Monday 16th January 2006

Length: 30:52

• Karl does an experiment of washing up without using his thumbs
• Karl looks out of his apartment window and sees a naked woman. She sees him, so Karl drops his pants and shows a bit of his arse to her, so they're even
• Karl says if he could be anyone in the world, he would want to be Bruce Willis
• Karl talks about his day out to the cobblers
• Karl's Uncle Alf, a cobbler, had two tellys and slept in a dinghy
• Karl talks about that his dream job would be to have a paper round and walk dogs at the same time
• Karl tells Ricky how Plato died (hit on the head by a egg)
• Steve and Ricky explain what "a stitch in time saves nine" means
• Karl complains about testicular cancer
• Monkey news - There's a monkey that goes from building to building, just building.

Episode Eight

Tuesday 17th January 2006

Monday 23rd January 2006

Length: 33:54

• Introduces 'The Diary Of Karl Pilkington' which was started during his holiday in Gran Canaria. Karl writes down his thoughts in a huge desk diary which according to Ricky is "about a foot long".

• Karl wants to invent a watch that can predict your own death, but as usual there is no research to suggest this is even remotely possible - "just pop it on your wrist".

• Karl remarks that among the guests in his hotel there are the most cross-eyed people he has ever seen in one place, and the after-dinner entertainment consists of "watching the local cat lick its bollocks".

• Karl compares the reasoning of his holiday to the moon landing, claiming "you have to find out for yourself" what a place is like, rather than asking a travel agent.

• Karl's diary: Karl considers whether "people think in their accent" or not, prompting Ricky to attempt to explain the human consciousness to Karl.

• Something interesting of note in this episode is that Ricky, Steve and Karl all seem to have forgotton an old XFM show where Karl had previously already explained his "dad's mates'" nicknames. 'In the show Karl mentioned that he found "Jimmy the Hat" an odd nickname considering he had never seen him in a hat, despite only seeing him once or twice. Ricky and Steve made light of this, suggesting that perhaps the nickname was an ironic one.

Years later Karl has rather bizarrely (and hilariously), taken this joke and confused it with his own memories, insisting that he was indeed called "Jimmy the Hat" because he never wore a hat.

Karl: "And... Jimmy the Hat, who..."

Steve: "Jimmy the Hat"?

Karl: "Yeah."

Steve: "And did he always wear a hat?"

Karl: "No he didn't, that, that was the point there. That he never wore a hat."

Ricky: "That's amazing!"

Steve: "Brilliant."

Ricky: "How can you pick up on someone never wearing a hat?!"

It is uncertain whether Ricky, Steve or Karl are aware of this mix-up, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time Karl has recollected misinformation and replaced facts and events with conjecture.

Monkey News - Chimps at the Winter Olympics...

Also Steve describes an email from the people at Positive Internet, saying that the podcast may make it to the Guinness Book of World Records. This leads to a discussion of weird world records, such as running around with a milk bottle on your head, or the biggest josstick disaster.

Episode Nine

Monday 30th January 2006

Length: 30:54

Ricky and Steve lament that they didn't charge for the podcasts in light of the huge numbers of downloads; Steve especially wanted "to charge silly money". Ricky thinks that people e-mailing pictures of Karl's round head to him is a waste of the internet's capabilities.

Question for Karl - Who, of Ricky and Steve, would Karl choose to rescue if he could only save one of their lives? Karl weighs up the pros and cons of each option (musing on an argument he had with Steve regarding change from a shared lunch). Karl cannot make up his mind.

Karl's Diary - Restaurant visit, Karl describes Steve's octopus dish. Karl's rule of thumb is that he only eats things that look nice while they are alive.

Monkey News - What do you do when all airplane pilots in the world go on strike ?

Episode Ten

Monday 6th February 2006

Length: 32:40

Show begins with Ricky suggesting the podcast being renamed the Karl Pilkington show. Followed by Karl's theory on marriage; you should meet other people with the same surname as you. "Do a search on like... other Pilkington's. If they look alright, yeah, I’ll go out with her. Job done. Don't ever have to worry about getting married 'n' that"

Questions for Karl. If you could talk to any animal, which would it be and why? Karl chooses the tortoise because "They'd've loadsa stories". If you had a time machine, to what event in your childhood would you travel back to and why? (After a lot of consternation) "Right, here ya are. I nearly died once, didn't I. On a aah, on an ice pop. Right now maybe if I would've died I'd say well let's gets go back to that and I won't have an ice pop (Followed by a lot of consternation)".

Steve then informs us of the growing trend of wearing adult diapers on trains in China. This sparks Karl's childhood reminiscences on the subject. "Me mam knew that I didn't like nappies n that. I used to go, just in the corner, just near the kitchen. In this thing, like a litter tray". Karl then reveals to us his knowledge of Chinese inventions being the cat mop and "hats with umbrellas on em".

Karl's Diary; Section temporarily redacted. (You can't delete the internet.)

Monkey news: another ingenuous account involving a simian riding an equine on race day to appease a gangster's wrath.

Episode Eleven

Monday 13th February 2006

Length: 33:22

Ricky informs Karl on his new found international celebrity status. And that he is now a "Global Village Idiot". Karl asks why people in India are worried about it when "they are hungry and it's dusty". Karl talks about what he would change in schools and that they should askng philosophical questions "to freak them out a bit" and then claims that there is a dishwasher on Mars. Ignoring the logic of Ricky and Steve, he rambles on and suggests dinosaurs should be introduced to keep population in check.

Reminisces about fight over a girl at age of seven and chipping a boy's tooth on sink.

Karl asks if we would have wings if the plane hadn't been invented; this conversation evolves to him asking what year it would be if we changed planet and that we should not change the hours and when told that would be scientifically impossible, claims he's "never worried about it like this". Before claiming sloths need to stop being so lazy. In his diary Karl explores the different forms of Doppleganger "some time thing" and asks why Ducks don't use their wings much.

In Monkey News describes how a man with bad eyes who can't afford surgery misreads "Chimp Doctors" in a paper as "Cheap Doctors" and has his surgery peformed by a chimp despite the fact they have no opposable thumbs.

Episode Twelve

Monday 20th February 2006

Length: 32:04

• The discussion of the podcasts in the Guinness World Records Book leads to a discussion about Karl's head
• Karl tells the story of how he met his girlfriend
• Karl ponders about the possibilities of being trapped inside the body of various animals
• Monkey news about Enos the chimponaut