08 March 2003/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off
Song: U2 - Beautiful Day
Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.
Steve: Absolutely.
Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.
Steve: Hello there.
Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.
Claire: Hello, boys.
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--
Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And need to go and lie down--
Ricky: But I am my own boss.
Steve: With a cold compress--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--
Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.
Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.
Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.
Ricky Giggles
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.
Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.
Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.
Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?
Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--
Steve: Uh huh.
Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Poorly.
Claire: And a bit croaky--
Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--
Claire: He coughed a bit.
Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.
Steve: To of missed this show.
Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.
Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--
Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".
Steve: Yeah.
Claire Laughs
Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Shall we?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...
Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"
Claire Exhales in Awe
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: "The human monkey".
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--
Ricky: And it wasn't.
Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.
Claire Laughs Slightly
Ricky: It was- I've--
Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.
Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.
Claire Laughs Slightly
Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.
Steve: Yeah.
Claire: Yeah.
Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?
Steve: Evans will have you there.
Claire: Should we just play some music now?
Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.
Claire: Okay.
Steve: Aww.
Claire: I'll get back to you on that.
Ricky: Yeah, that's...
Song: Coldplay - Clocks
Karl is Very Much a Humanzee
Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Tick tock, that's Coldplay and "Clocks", on XFM 104.9.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Ricky Gervais, Stephen--
Claire: I tell you- can I tell you- can I tell you, Coldplay are coming in in a couple of week's time to co-host Zoe Ball's show.
Ricky: Right. One: don't ever interrupt me.
Claire: Sorry.
Ricky: Two: tell 'em about other people's shows.
Steve: No.
Ricky: Okay, moving on, thank you.
Steve: Please do not mention that there are any other television celebrities on this channel- on this station--
Ricky: Yeah.
Claire: Sorry. Sorry.
Steve: We're trying to convince people it's only Ricky.
Ricky: But the interruption was the main thing.
Steve: Absolutely.
Claire: Sorry. Sorry.
Ricky: Um, well, we can't get a hold of Karl, right. We looked, he's got his- his old number out there- uh- uh--
Steve: What, his home number?
Ricky: Yeah. His home number, right, so, uhh, we went to the new records - he hasn't even given his new home number so sommat's funny goin' on, he doesn't want to be contacted. He hasn't given me his home number, I've tracked down a friend who's looking at it for us, that phone might ring at any moment, I apologize for that, but why is Karl not available?
Steve: It's interesting that neither you or I, and I like to think of ourselves as fairly close friends of Karl--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: We have made him the man that he is today.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: We can not get in touch with him.
Ricky: In the same way--
Steve: We can't get in touch with him.
Ricky: In the same way that that bloke bought Oliver.
Steve: Sure.
Ricky: I think that Karl is now ours.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well he- yeah, exac- (Laughing Slightly) I think very much- that's true, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Karl is very much like a humanzee in many ways.
Claire Laughs
Ricky: If we l- we're gonna- we're gonna lose contact with him and find him 5 years in a circus in Manchester.
Steve: Exactly. They're doing experiments on him.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. They're going--
Steve: "We can't figure him out!"
Ricky: Yeah. "Well, it's- there's something wrong with a chromosome--"
Steve: "He looks like a human but..."
Ricky: "He d- he- he acts like a- cuz humans usually stand upright."
Steve: Yeah!
Ricky: "And Karl likes to walk on all-fours whenever he can."
Claire Laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "It's th--"
Steve: "He's not interested in other human women. He's interested in- only interested in apes."
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: "It doesn't make sense!"
Ricky: Oh my God! And he's bald.
Claire Laughs Slightly
Steve: He is bald.
Ricky: Oh look, there's as much evidence--
Steve: And--
Ricky: For Karl being a humanzee as Oliver.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I think there's more. I think there's more. And, aww...
Steve: Well, Karl barely walks upright.
Ricky: I know.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Scared of fire...
Ricky: Yeah. I kn- it- it is interesting, isn't it? Oliver was built, wasn't he?
Claire: Yeahhh.
Steve: See, I d- I--
Claire: Big boy.
Steve: I don't know know w--
Ricky: He was a- yeah, he was--
Steve: Why were you looking, Rick, I'm interested to... I'm interested that you...
Ricky: Uh--
Steve: What, your eyes were, kind of, uncontrollably drawn toward his--
Claire: Steve, they were just there.
Ricky: N-
Steve: I didn't see anything.
Claire Laughs
Steve: I was just lookin' at his face.
Ricky: No, I d--
Ricky Sighs
Steve: Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest...
Ricky: Yeah, and that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that cuz humans have a--
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Although Karl's is very tiny and hidden behind.
Claire Laughs
Ricky: And he's got- I've noticed something else as well. He's got a big red ass!
Steve: That's true.
Ricky: Hasn't he?
Steve: Yeah. Yeah. It's all beginning to slide into place.
Ricky: That's... And I've seen him climb up a t- a cabinet and eat a banana as well.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Just to--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Of a lunch time.
Steve: And peel it with his toes.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: It's all coming together.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Right, we're gonna track him down because I- I- he's malingering. He's definitely malin--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I'll tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: He's not ill.
Steve and Claire Laugh
Steve: I think more truthfully, someone said to me, uhh- I said, uh, "Karl might be ill", they said, "Right, are you not gonna do the radio show, then?"
Ricky: Well, that's what annoys me--
Steve: I mean, that's the biggest problem is that--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I mean, let's be honest, we haven't got anything without Karl.
Ricky: All we've got is the hook - people are staying, listening cuz eventually they think we might get through to him at home--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And there'll be fun on this show to be had.
Steve: If we don't get in touch with Karl, I think we may as well shoot off and leave Claire alone to do the show alone.
Ricky: I've got some great music. Is that not a- is that...?
Steve: Well, it's a small- small, uhh, conversation.
Claire: Well, you could leave the music with me, I could just play it.
Ricky: That is true, isn't it?
Steve: There's not many reasons- many reasons to be here.
Ricky: Okay, well, play some great music now, Steve.
Steve: Yeah, play a great tune.
Ricky: Sure.
Claire: Okay, "Wedding Present", Steve.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah--
Steve: Oh, I'll explain what it is afterwards let's play it- it's a- it's a joy.
The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday Begins To Play
Ricky: It's a monkey- it's a monkey theme.
Steve: There is a monkey theme.
Ricky: There is a monkey connection. (DJ Voice) Call in if you know the answer!
Steve Laughs Slightly
Song: The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday