29 March 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 29 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
That's Safe, You're Going Home with That
Song: Placebo – The Bitter End.
Ricky: Placebo, The Bitter End, on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, is both Stephen Merchant and Karl, the K- Man Pilkington.
Steve: Ah-ha.
Ricky: So… you’ve already got that, that’s safe it’s only four minutes past. You’ve had Placebo and you’ve got us three, s-so…
Steve: You’re definitely going home with that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Whatever happens.
Ricky: That’s safe, that’s – that’s on its way to the hospice.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Exactly, you’ve banked that.
Ricky: Yeah. Now, do you wanna gamble all that to go on and listen for another two hours – you could walk away now and you’ve - you’re up.
Steve: Yeah. You’re up.
Ricky: You’re up.
Steve: You’re already up.
Ricky: Right, that’s brilliant.
Steve: You have not wasted any time.
Ricky: Or… do you wanna gamble that against another two hours, it might be shoddy, it might go downhill, but it might get even better Karl, what do you say they do, listen for another two hours?
Karl: ..yeah…
Ricky: See, we shouldn’t have done that.
Steve: We shouldn’t have asked Karl.
Ricky: Ohh…
Steve: ‘Cos a lot of ‘em now are already taking what they’ve got.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: And what they’ve got is great, Rick, what they’ve got is lovely.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They’re loving that, they’re gonna enjoy that.
Ricky: We have got… Monkey News, we’ve got Cheap as Chimps – that’s not the same thing!
Steve laughs.
Steve: A lot of people…
Ricky: How many radio stations have got two ape related, simian features?
Steve: Rick, can I point out now a lot of people are making that mistake, a lot of people are thinking that Monkey News is exactly the same as Cheap as Chimps.
Ricky and Steve: It’s not.
Ricky: It’s not.
Steve: Let’s keep that clear.
Ricky: It’s not. It’s not. It’s in the same ballpark, but it’s, it’s n… it’s not the same.
Steve: There are apes r – that are involved.
Ricky: They’re involved, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. We’ve also got some great music… yeah, we’ve got an amusing sketch about a fly.
Steve and Ricky laugh.
Steve: Have we?
Ricky: No.
Steve: Aw, I was looking forward to that.
Ricky: Ohhhh. And Mystique are dropping in.
Steve: Let’s hope the Mystique ladies are coming in.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Singing their new hit for us.
Ricky: Yeah look, I wanna, I wanna kick off with a song, that is… you know you’ve got like, half a dozen posing songs that when you’re sort of like between fourteen and eighteen, they were the ones you’d put on to get ready to go out, or just posing round or, or be that pop star, or think you’re on stage or whatever, or in the video.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And embarrassingly, I reme… I jus… dug this out and I remembered I used to pose to this like a motherf…er when I was about fourteen, right. This is Street Life, by Roxy Music. You used to do…
Steve: Mine was, uhhh… mine was Oops Upside Your Head.
Ricky: Yeah, haha, yeah.
Steve: It was just me, on the floor, in me bedroom. One day I thought, one day I thought there’ll be other people in this imaginary pose.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Elbows going everywhere.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Knocking over vases…
Steve: Yeah. But then I remember later, it was Black Lace’s Superman, which is something similar, do you remember that? That was brilliant.
Ricky: Well.
Steve: Spray! Ski!
Steve sings the tune to Black Lace Superman.}}
Ricky: If you’ve, uh, um, out there in radio land, got any funny – funny jokes, then call in on…
Steve: E-mail ‘em in, ‘cos we need some.
Ricky: Aww.
Song: Roxy Music – Street Life.
My Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes
Ricky: Street Life. Roxy Music, off the Stranded album. That’s what I used to jump around to...
Steve: What would you have been wearing while you were listening to that?
Ricky: Umm. Well, probably, um, Brutus Gold jeans...
Steve: Classy.
Ricky: Ummmm... aw, uh, Green Flash... uh, pumps.
Steve: Sure. Any socks?
Ricky: Uh, oh, I would’ve had socks, yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Um. I’d have probably been wearing the shirt my mum got me from Tescos, which was uh, which was again a Brutus shirt, and, uh, it had women in bikinis eating bananas.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: On a chaise longue.
Steve: Course it did.
Ricky: Umm, so...
Steve: What, lots of small ones? Or just one big one?
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah, lots of little small ones yeah, so uh, y’know, uh, uhhhh, so that was that.
Steve: A trilby? Have you ever, have you ever toyed with the trilby?
Ricky: I didn’t wear a trilby, no. I remember when I was, when I, I went on holiday about that time and I was about fourteen and my br... my older brother had this leather jeacket, and I was on the, I was on the beach, um... just, you know, in – in me shorts an’ that. And, uh, I went to get an ice cream or something, and I said ‘can I borrow your jacket’. And, uh, I put his jacket on, and I was cruising on the beach thinking, they are all looking at me.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Cos I looked so good.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And I also had a, um, a straw Stetson.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: And I really thought... yeah. I’m n – I’m turning into quite a man.
Steve: Yes. I’m quite a catch.
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Yeah. Just thinking a little bit, just thinking they’re going, they’re looking, they’re going, who’s that dude? Is he American? Is it, hold on, is he, is he, come from some sort of rodeo?
Steve: Wait a minute, I’m in a bikini, and I like bananas.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: I could be the woman for him.
Ricky: Ahhh, dear. The...
Steve: What was the... didn’t you have, the - a t-shirt or a jacket or something that you wore to university, that was pretty classy, didn’t it have like, some - some foul language on it or something? What was this?
Ricky: Uh, yeah, I had, uh, when I was, uh, this was when I was eighteen, right, the Christmas or no, the birthday before I went to, uh, uh, university, I got two sweatshirts, one black, one red, had bullshit on them.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Just on the lapel.
Steve: Just the word.
Ricky: I like, and the red one, all my clothes, the first wash, everything was pink. All my white shirts, all my white socks of course, cos I just put it in there, I didn’t know.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. So, uh, so, I was a man at university, with all pink clothes except for a rather nice red sweatshirt with bullshit on it. Ohh, so, uh, again, turning into quite a man.
Steve: Yes. Quite the man. Was that, was that, pre, or post the time you washed your clothes by getting in the bath, and...
Ricky: That was pre. That was the second year, when I was in... I had to go in digs, I was in, had to go in halls of residence, so, I had a bath, and you had to sort of like, pay, for a bath, you know, so I thought two birds with one stone, I got in the bath with all my white shirts, cos I was going through a sort of look, you know, wearing a white shirt and tie, that sort of... David Sylvian, sort of...
Steve: Mmhmm, mmhmm.
Ricky: And, uh, uh, Daz. And I just wriggled around in it.
Steve: Oh, God.
Ricky: Washed myself. It’s quite a good exfoliate. Um. So, uh, yeah, I didn’t do it again. Cos it was v – sort of, not good for the skin.
Steve: Quite sore, is it, around the sort of, the intimate regions?
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. So there you go. Roxy Music and Street Life.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Karl.
Steve: Thoughts?
Karl: Um... I just was, just was working out time, really, just, we’ve got, we’ve got... well, last week we had a lot of stuff that we didn’t manage to cram in.
Steve: Which was good.
Karl: So I’m just looking at, we’ve got, we have got Cheap as Chimps coming. Uh, Songs of Phrase.
Steve: Oh. We haven’t, we’ve forgotten about that.
Karl: Try to win some stuff.
Ricky: Why don’t we kick off with that, so we don’t forget it?
Karl: What?
Ricky: Cheap as Chimps or Songs of Phrase, or the film thing, we didn’t get the film done yesterday.
Karl: We’ll do that, in a bit. We’ve also got a new feature, Cheeky Freak of the Week.
Ricky snorts.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Incidentally, I should just point out now that, uh, someone has, uh, Ashley Phillips has e-mailed in, um because obviously with, uh, Songs of Phrase, what Karl does, for those that have not heard it, he takes a phrase that you might hear commonly on the show and then he uses various songs...
Ricky: There’s this hairy Chinese kid.
Steve: Was the one with...
Ricky: You never see an old bloke eating a MAAAAARS baaaar.
Steve: And, uh yeah, as I say, he uses different chunks of songs and he makes up that phrase and uh, so he has made some suggestions here, Karl. Uh, cause, he thinks that the more common Karl you’re an idiot, fool etc, perhaps is a little overheard. He’d like to, uh, maybe hear: ‘Karl. Pause. I don’t know where to start.’ Which is a common one from Ricky.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: ‘Karl, which bit of that do you actually think is true?’ And then there’s the regular dialogue between the three of us. Karl ‘Well you know, it could happen.’ Me ‘Sure, sure.’ Ricky ‘No no no Karl, it could never happen, not now, not ever, you’re an idiot, play a record.’ So maybe some of those you could use...
Karl: It’s a lot of... it’s a lot of songs...
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Well, will we get, will we get it going then...
Steve: Alright.
Karl: Today.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: This week, we’re uh, do you remember the story about me Auntie, having wind for five minutes?
Steve laughs.
Karl: Yeah?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Your auntie, was it your auntie Nora?
Karl: Auntie Nora. Umm, she was on a lot of medication and stuff.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: And I think that’s a side effect, that comes with it. So, um, yeah, she had wind for five minutes, so I thought we’d dig that one out. Classic line, uh... Me Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: So I’ve got loads of songs here.
Ricky: How many is that?
Karl: Uhm. Me. Auntie. ‘Ad. Wind. For. Five minu... seven tracks.
Ricky: Ohh... God.
Steve: That’s tricky.
Karl: Got seven.
Ricky: Why don’t you – when will you learn?
Steve: Okay, so you need to identify, if you can be bothered, the artists?
Karl: Yeah, the artists.
Steve: That’s what we’re after, isn’t it?
Karl: Alright.
Steve: Okay.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Karl: Alright, we’ll play it a few – play it a few times.
Ricky: Just remember, as many as you can get.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Cos the winner was probably be, who gets five or something, so don’t worry if you’ve, there’s a couple you can’t get, cos you could still probably win.
Karl: Can we go again.
Ricky: Go on.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: No, it is good.
Ricky: I... I...
Karl: Just... a couple...
Steve: Can I just, what’s the e-mail address?
Karl: It’s, well if they go to xfm.co.uk/ricky, they can just send ‘em through there an’ that.
Steve: They can... they can send them through that way. Which of these is the, uh, the prize bag?
Karl: Yeah, don’t be getting them mixed up.
Ricky snorts.
Karl: Uhh...
Steve: That’s, that’s the one is it, Karl?
Karl: Yep.
Steve: Alright, so let’s see what hot treats you could win, um. As I get them out, Karl, do you wanna play it once more?
Karl: Yup.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: I recognize... all of them, except... one.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Right, let me see what we’ve got here.
Ricky: Or maybe two.
Steve: Uhh, ho ho, once again, Karl, you’ve excelled yourself with an arbitrary collection of DVDs.
Ricky: Just hanging round, were they?
Steve: Just hanging around. Um again, I’m always interested to know which of our Xfm listeners, um, has tastes as broad as this.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Uh, we’ve got the recent BBC adaptation of the Hound of the Baskervilles.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Yeah, okay, fair enough.
Ricky: That’s alright.
Steve: We’ve got uh, what’s this, is this the, this is um, something involving Air, the band Air, I think it’s a single, at best. Now this is probably worth having, this is the current Flaming Lips album, so you’ve excelled yourself there actually Karl, that’s not bad. An Xfm mouse mat. They’re as...
Ricky: Ooooooooooh!
Steve: They’re as common as muck.
Ricky: Hold on, a mouse... you can’t give away, that mouse mat, it’s a piece of foam.
Steve: Now I was gonna dismiss the, um, the oddball sci-fi movie K-Pax, featuring Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges, but Karl, is it signed by Kevin Spacey?
Ricky: It’s signed, it’s signed, yeah.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: It’s an actual...
Ricky mumbles.
Ricky: So win that, and put it on eBay, for four pounds fifty.
Steve laughs.
Steve: And, uh... man alive.
Ricky: What is that?
Steve: Just look at their faces.
Ricky: Ohhh NO! Karl! Don’t give that, no-one wants that, unless it’s ironic.
Steve: Series one and two, on DVD, of popular, Northern based sitcom, Bread.
Ricky: Buy it, sell it, the games gettin’ ‘ard, cos someone’s dealing you a losing card.
Steve laughs.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: They all had a go, all the actors had a line on that song. Ohh...
Karl: Play the clips again?
Ricky: Play the clips again, they really wanna win it now.
Karl: Here we go.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: I can’t believe this hasn’t been done before.
Steve: It’s extraordinary.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: Cos most of our ideas have.
Steve laughs.
Song: Verve – Lucky Man.