22 November 2003/Transcript

Currently in queue for the Transcribing Task Force.

(16:00) SM: Yeah.

KP: D’y’know what I mean, I can’t just sit here, and, take it and that.

SM: Sure. No. No.

(pause)

RG: I mean … we’re all mates.

SM: Yeah. (whispers) Just um …

RG: W—I mean – I was mistaken for Johnny Vegas. Steve’s got a story about that, if you wanna, have a go at me –

SM: Well, you, someone just thought you were a fat man with a beard, which is true.

RG: Well don’t have a go at me ‘cause he said you looked –

SM: Well, you started it.

RG: No I didn’t! No,

SM: Yeah you did.

RG: No I didn’t!

SM: You were milkin’ it. You were eggin’ him on.

RG: I was laughing,

SM: You were eggin’ him on!

Ricky laughs

RG: I sorta was.

SM: Yeah.

RG: But, let’s not … you know …

SM: Oooh. It’s a good job you got lots of goodmates like Jonathan Ross you can go hang out with. And don’t need other friends, people who’ve helped you in your CAREER.

RG: He’s – he’s a good lookin’ bloke, innhe, Jonathan Ross? KP: He’s a good lookin’ fella.

RG: Play a record.

song

RG: Out of Time, by Blur. Lucky we’re not out of time – got another hour twenty-five to go.

SM: He-hee!

RG: So it’s not over yet, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington.

SM: We’ve had quite a lot of emails, as ever, Rick.

RG: It’s a much-listened-to show!

SM: I should just say, we’re very lazy people, and we rarely reply, or read out the emails, but

RG: I never read the emails,

SM: Absolutely never read them

RG: So I rely on, if I haven’t replied to something, all my mail, Steve opens my mail and reads my emails, so if I haven’t replied, it’s just ‘cause he hasn’t passed it on to me.

SM: Yeah

RG: OK.

SM: Um .. but I haven’t passed it on to you ‘cause I know you’ll never reply.

RG: Sure.

SM: I’m just cuttin’ out … But listen to this, just want to say, thanks for the emails. We do read some of ‘em and we appreciate the fact people send in jokes and ..

RG: Oh, I appreciate it! I love it.

SM: Ho! But, uh,

RG: Just as long as I don’t have to do anything towards it.

SM: Sure. We got an email from Jack saying he missed the last two week’s shows, has he missed anything?

RG: Not really.

SM: No.

RG: No, it’s the same stuff,

SM: Same old rubbish.

RG: I think Karl, last week Karl was havin’ a go at uh – Chinese people not agin’ well, he had a go at the gays, and, he came up with a ludicrous story about a monkey that was impossible.

SM: Yeah, he …

RG: So I don’t think Jack’s missed much!

Steve laughs

SM: No, no.

RG: Go on.

SM: Uh, we’ve just had an email from the Pringles people.

RG: Oh, they uh, right. Good. Because it’s finally started to happen. I hear these stories about people gettin’ given cars, and Armani suits, and trips abroad, and we haven’t had no- but finally, people are starting to, you know, realize what we’re doing, our impact on society,

SM: Yeah.

RG: And we got a whole box of Pringles sent to us. Not one of those little tubes! The proper tubes – the footlong tubs.

Steve laughs

RG: So – what, what did they say?

SM: Well the Pringles said-

RG: They want ‘em back?

SM: No, no, they’ve said they like the show, and if you want more Pringles, give ‘em a call, and they’ll send you –

RG: I want more Pringles. I bloody love Pringles.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Pringles are grea—the thing about Pringles is, um, they, they’re morish, right, but I’m, how would I put it, you know the, the sort of thing, when you open, when I open them,

SM: Yeah,

RG: And by that, I – when I pop,

SM: Right.

RG: I have to, well, OK, how can I put this … when I pop, I can’t stop.

SM: What’d’ya mean? I don’t—

RG: Well, when I pop, when I pop them open, I can’t stop eating them –

SM: Right, when you pop you can’t stop.

RG: Yeah.

SM: Yeah. I think that’s ‘cause of the chemicals.

Ricky laughs

SM: I think that might be the reason.

RG: But they’re good---

SM: They’re good chemicals. They’re the best chemicals.

RG: Pringle chemicals --

SM: They’re not bad chemicals, like you’d use in chemical war.

RG: -- are lovely. So YES, I want some more Pringles. What else did they --

SM: So more, more Pringles. It’s interesting, actually, that you were sayin’, that other people, you know, like Kylie I’d imagine would be given sort of, maybe sexy underwear, Robbie Williams might get the Armani suits, you get sent the crisps.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah, yeah.

SM: Which seems appropriate. Yeah.

RG: But it’s nice to be sent anything, innit.

SM: I um,

RG: Go on.

SM: Talkin’ of Pringles, I was on the Finchley Road tube station, on my way in –

RG: The thing with Pringles, they’re ---

SM: Well, I’ll tell you a job that I don’t like,

RG: What?

SM: I wouldn’t want be doing, the, the woman, there’s a little woman, who’s sits in a little snack, stall, on the Finchley Road tube station,

RG: Yeah,

SM: And, I don’t know how to describe it really, she is surrounded by snacks. She can’t move for snacks. It’s like --

RG: Is it like American Beauty, but with, with uh, different –

SM: Not dissimilar to that, it’s a little hut, on the station,

Ricky laughs

SM: And it’s like, if you go to the seaside, you can put your head thru one of those those cardboard cut-outs and it looks like you’re a big fat person or whatever,

RG: Yeah,

SM: And you can have your photo taken. It’s like an equivalent of that, but it’s just snacks, everywhere. She’s got bananas up to her chin,

Ricky laughs

SM: She’s got chocolate, comin’ up to her eyes,

Ricky laughs

SM: Crisps on the side of her, she can’t move! She can’t do 360 degrees! She’s like packed in there, I don’t think, I don’t know how she gets in there, of a morning -

RG: I think they put her in there first, and they’re ‘OK, pour in the bananas –‘

SM: Yeah.

RG: (Stammers) ‘Pour in the nuts,’ and they just -

SM: She has 2 hours of makeup before,

RG: Yeah, exactly.

SM: They’re dressin’ her in there. ‘Cause I’ll ask for somethin’ from the fridge and she cannot turn her head to see. She has to go by feel alone, just feel the fridge.

Ricky laughs

SM: And get stuff out and pass it,

Ricky laughs

SM: And often I’ll say ‘That’s not what I wanted,’ but she can’t, you’ve got to let her off – it’s extraordinary! But there’s no music playing, nothing—

RG: Does she have to sell her way out of it?

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly!

RG: I mean, if it’s a slow day, she’s stuck there till the next day!

SM: Yeah! It’s like a world-breaking attempt.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah. Oh, dear! That’s Finchley Road, so if you –

SM: Yeah! If you’re on Finchley Road, or just wanna pop down there, have a look at the Snack Woman, ‘cause it is, uh,

RG: How does she get refills though?

SM: I dunno how it works. I dunno how she goes to the toilet, or eats, I don’t know what she does.

RG: Yeah.

SM: But uh, God bless her.

RG: So that’s one of the jobs you wouldn’t have.

SM: That’s jobs I would not like. Yeah.

RG: I’ve always worried about workin’ in one of those big photo copying places.

SM: Sure.

RG: ‘Cause, that’s constant taste of toner.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Y’know’w’I mean, it’s just so dry, and, just imagine goin’ to work with a hangover, 8 hours in that sort of –

SM: It’s those jobs where, what’s the best that can happen? That day, the photo copyin’ shop,

Ricky and Steve laugh

SM: I mean, what’s the best that --

RG: Well – they would have interesting things, like they, you know, people goin’ and photocopyin’ –

SM: Porn – porno mags.

Ricky laughs

RG: ‘Can I have 30 copies of my arse? I couldn’t make it to the staff party –‘

SM: Yeah, yeah

RG: ‘I was wonderin’ if I could do that in here. ‘ Yeah. Karl, what job wouldn’t you want to do. Well, any job. You’re a lazy fff-

KP: You’re jokin’ aren’t ya. I’ve done loads of stuff. This -- I’m, I’m quite happy now, doin’ what I’m doin’.

RG: Yeah. You look happy.

SM: You sound happy.

RG: Yeah, calm down. You on drugs? Are you on E?

Steve laughs

KP: I’m all right! We’ve won an’ that. I’m happy for them, happy for them.

RG: Yeah. What’d’ya mean, happy for them? We are England. Happy for US. Yeah. I mean we didn’t play, I did very little towards it. It was mainly Johnny Wilkerson!

SM: No, that should be – switchin’ on the TV was about as much as I did –

Ricky laughs

RG: Exactly! And shoutin’ COME ON!

Steve laughs

KP: Talkin’ about jobs an’ that, though, I was readin’ the other day, about rubbish jobs people have

RG: (Breathes in) I haven’t got time. I just get on with it. I’m like Squiddly Diddly, fingers in pies, different jobs, go on.

KP: Um, d’ya’ know – Iva the Terrible?

RG: Ivan.

KP: He uh –

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah – this Russian – yeah, that was the Welsh fella! Who was, who was bloody awful, but not as bad as his Russian cousin, Ivan. Go on.

KP: He uh – he had a fella doin’ some work for him, right, this fella built his house, uh, after he was done, right, the Terrible fella was like –

Ricky laughs

RG: Terrible fella, Ivan.

KP: He’s going, ‘Aw, it’s briliant. You’ve done a … good job there.’

RG: Yeah.

KP: ‘I don’t want you to build another one like that.’ Took his eyes out. Stopped him makin’ an house, like that.

SM: Blimey!

KP: That’s bad, innit.

RG: Why – why didn’t he take away his trowel? Then he coulda seen, but he couldn’ta built a house, without – without a trowel. You can’t build a house without a trowel.

KP: Yeah.

RG: I mean, you’d think –

SM: I --- I suppose he prob’ly later thought that. Once he’d been nicknamed Ivan the Terrible.

RG: Yeah, yeah –

SM: He’d go ‘Why? Why?’ ‘’Cause you gouge people’s eyes out!’

RG: ‘Yeah, but I don’t want you buildin’ another house!’

SM: ‘I know, but –‘

RG: ‘Take his trowel away! What will happen then? Ivan the Crafty, at most! Ivan the jealous, you know, Ivan the spoiled brat, but – ‘

Steve laughs

RG: ‘But gouge someone’s eyes – that is bloody terrible! I’m surprised you’re not called Ivan the C--- D’ya’ know what I mean?’

SM: Yeah! You’re gonna go down in history like with Vlad the Impaler!

RG: Yeah!

SM: He’s mostly known for impaling people!

RG: Yeah! He did a of other stuff,

SM: Yeah, he did a load of great charity work, he did – it’s not remembered!

RG: Impaling is the thing, that’s, really,

SM: Yeah!

RG: Gone down in history!

Steve laughs

RG: When were you readin’ about Ivan the Terrible? Or IVA the Terrible, as the, the thing you remembered from this, uh, imformative article.

KP: No, no, it was just little, bits like that, talkin’ about him, there was a thing about, someone who worked for that, that fella who painted the ceiling –

RG: Sistine Chapel.

KP: Yeah. Yeah … a woman who worked for him, in his house. And um …

RG: I LOVE how you assimilate information, when it’s just bordering on the academic, or just the interesting and true. It’s wonderful! Iva the Terrible, gouged someone’s eyes out which built him a house. That fella who painted that ceiling,

Steve laughs

RG: Had a woman work for him. Imagine if you wrote that down on an essay! Imagine if you wrote that in a school essay!

SM: Well, you’d probably end up with not, not getting’ a grade!

RG: Or, or thinkin’ you’d turned up to more than you had!

SM: Anyway – the woman who lived with –

RG: Yeah. Go on, the woman who lived in a shoe.

KP: Yeah, there was this woman who, who lived with him. And uh… she’d right, go out and do all the shoppin’ an’ that,

SM: Yeah.

KP: Um … because she couldn’t read or write, he used to have to draw everything he wanted.

SM: Why couldn’t he just tell ‘er?

RG: (Stammers) No – wait. That’s an excellent point. Could she talk?

KP: Yeah, but if it’s a big list an’ that, loads of different colored paints and stuff,

SM: Well why couldn’t she draw, draw on a piece of paper, why’d have have to do it?

KP: ‘Cause he’s a better drawer, innhe?

Ricky laughs

SM: That’s the point! That’s it! We were just lookin’ for the logic in the story, and you found it!

RG: Play a record

Ricky laughs

RG: He’s a better drawer!

song

RG: I Don’t Owe You Anything, by the Smiths. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl: over to you. This is the, uh, the time where we play, well, the world-famous quiz, innit?

KP: Rockbusters, innit. RG: Yeah. Which is .. Blockbusters, but with music! See ya later!

Steve laughs

KP: Cryptic clues and that, do ya wanna say, Steve –

RG: Not really, not really cryptic, but go on.

SM: We got a number of DVDs to give away, uh, including some, uh, Teachers DVDs, we got a bunch of CDs here, and also Ricky Gervais’s live stand-up DVD —

RG: Animals! Brilliant!

SM: Which is not good at all, I really would not encourage people to buy that. It is –

RG: Well ..

SM: -- Weak observations poorly performed.

Ricky laughs

SM: I would recommend The Office series 2 on DVD, that’s still available.

RG: Rubbish in that. I’m awful in that. You can actually see me forgettin’ some of my lines.

SM: That’s true.

Ricky laughs

RG: Go on.

KP: All right then. So, cryptic clues, um, an example, might be new, I reckon people will be stayin’ in today ‘cause it’s rainin’ an’ that, so, might not’ve heard it before. So, like, uh,

RG: Or they have, and they’re not listening.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Yep. Well, whatever.

RG: Oh – oh, gave up on that one, didja?

KP: Thr-Three –

SM: Well give us an example of the sort of thing.

KP: Uh, that, that, uh –

RG: Jesus.

SM: All right, maybe don’t.

RG: ‘Nnuhh, nnuhh, nuuuhhhh … I’m a broadcaster … nnnuuhhhh’

SM: Yeah, ‘Words are my tool”.

Ricky laughs

RG: Go on.

KP: All right, forget that.

RG: Come on, baldie!

KP: Right – 3, 3 clues then. Here’s the first one. It’s a band. Or an artist.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Right? I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for?

SM: Good point! Good question.

KP: All right?

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah. Coulda been ‘Why you goin’ to the Northwest’, that’s a different matter. Go on.

KP: You’re goin’ to the Northeast, what you goin’ there for?

RG: Yeah.

KP: All right, S, is the initial. So it’s a band or an artist, whose, who starts with an S. And that’s the clue. Right. Second one, uh, Oh, yeah, she’s uh, she’s related to the man in the lamp! All right? That’s G. All right? She’s related to the man in the lamp. All right? And the third one is, uhh, the Jamaican fella would love to live there, but it’s a little bit pricey.

Steve laughs

RG: Oh, God. I feel an accent coming on.

SM: That’s one where you’re gonna have to think about it, with the accent.

RG: I imagine.

KP: Initials there, D.S. D.S. for that one. Right? So the Jamaican fella would love to live, live there, but, y’know, bit dear and that. Bit pricey. So, uh,

Ricky and Steve laugh

SM: So give us ‘em again, quickly.

KP: Right. The first one, I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for? That’s S. She’s related to the man in the lamp, you know. That’s G.

RG: Changes with it.

KP: And the, Jamaican fella would love to live there, but, little bit pricey. And that’s D.S.

RG: OK.

KP: So uh, email in or text an’ that.

SM: [email protected], what’s the text?

KP: Or text 83XFM, uhh… yeah. So that’s that.

SM: Win tons of prizes.

RG: Brilliant.

KP: All right? Play some ads?

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

RG: Steve, is there anything wrong with a bit of old fashioned rock ‘n roll? Yes or no?

SM: I do not believe so.

RG: Well then there’s Jet, Roll Over DJ on Xfm 104.9.

SM: Who are you?

RG: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

SM: Steve Merchant.

RG: Who’s that little bald Manc, whinging twat over there?

SM: Karl PIlkington.

RG: Yeah, surely. KP: All right?

Ricky laughs

RG: ‘All right?’ Ohh .. go on.

SM: Now, Rick, as you know, there’s always junk lying around in this, uh, studio, and not all of it is Rockbusters prizes.

Ricky laughs

SM: Um, and there’s uh, I’ve just been flippin’ thru –

RG: No. Some of it’s the playlist.

SM: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky laughs

SM: And, um, I was, uh, just flippin’ thru and old copy of the Guardian Guide, from last week,

RG: Sure.

SM: You know the little listings there of –

RG: Yeah.

SM: And you know, I don’t know if people might’ve seen it, we did a, there was a documentary on about the transfer of British sitcoms to America,

RG: Yeah.

SM: And, uh, we did an interview for that, ‘cause they’re remaking the show, over in the States. And I’m just flickin’ thru and I notice there’s a little write-up about it here, and it says uh, dududududuh blah blah blah, it says, quoting me, it says, “‘We don’t care if David Brent becomes a woman’, burbles Steve Merchant, eyes bulging with imagined riches”.

Ricky laughs

SM: I’m like, No – my eyes bulge normally! That’s not me being greedy, that’s just me!

RG: Well, you know that thing I did, when I sort of like rub my fingers together and do that sort of stupid, Brent, people take that seriously.

SM: I know! I know!

RG: Yeah.

SM: It’s extraordinary.

RG: Well some people got it, but I think it was in the paper the next day, someone said, uh, ‘Gervais’ mannerisms could’ve been transferred as, uh, dollar signs’. Well I was doin’ it sarcastically. I was doin’ it like that, I was pretendin’ that I just cared about the money. So –

SM: Yeah! Yeah yeah.

RG: Irony, see, people say Americans don’t get irony. Most people here don’t get irony.

SM: Absolutely right.

RG: That’s why they think this show’s rubbish.

Ricky laughs

SM: Yeah! I know!

RG: We’ve fooled ‘em!

SM: Yeah.

RG: We’ve had the last laugh! We think it’s really good.

SM: Exactly.

RG: Karl: come on. That – that was, let’s do some news. Let’s have some proper, radio. Have you – all – all your news comes from Ananova, doesn’t it?

KP: That’s for -

SM: What would Dr. Fox do about now, at two o’clock? He’d do some amusing news ..

RG: It’s comin’ up for 2, and here is the news with Karl PIlkington.

KP: Well like I said, it’s just, just headlines an’ that. I don’t bother readin’ on, if I like – from the headlines, you get the story -

RG: No point! And it’s all from Ananova, not from a newspaper, or,

KP: It’s not made up or anything. These are real headlines, so,

RG: OK, then, let’s see. Let’s see, OK, imagine Trevor McDonald doin’ this, it’s uh,

SM: These are real news headlines.

RG: OK then. Well, they’re real, they’re real to Karl. OK, here we go. And here is the news with Karl Pilkington. BONG.

KP: Man Hid-- Man Hid in Wardrobe to Avoid Work.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: Yeah? Good. BONG.

KP: Teenager Gets Stuck in Washing Machine

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: BONG.

KP: Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: BONG.

KP: Cow Hit By Train Lands on Farmer’s Wife

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: That is the real news, to you, innit!

SM: That is brilliant!

Ricky laughs

SM: That’s great!

RG: Ohh, I just think of the cow flying thru the air!

SM: Yeah.

RG: And the wife’s going, ‘Oh, no’.

SM: Yeah, yeah.

Steve laughs

RG: Oh, dear. Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet?

KP: Yeah. He’s, uh, havin’ some operation or somethin’,

RG: What, they put the wrong foot on ‘im?

KP: He’s got 2 right or something.

RG: Well maybe it was only the right foot that was available.

KP: Good dancer.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: Yeah. Oh dear.

KP: Wh, what else?

RG: Well, in real news, I was, um, I followed that thing with, who’s that fella who got into the palace when Bush was there?

SM: Right, an undercover journalist.

RG: The journalist, yeah. Um, I mean, it would’ve been a problem, if he was a terrorist. But, it’s sort of like,

SM: Mm.

RG: And I mean, as the palace said, you know, all our tests, are to expose terrorists, not journalists.

SM: Yeah!

RG: I – I -I just think, it was no big deal, really.

SM: Yeah.

RG: I think it was much more big a deal for the journalist than any – (32:00)