14 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 14 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

It’s All Going Well Already

Song: The Darkness - Growing on Me

Steve and Ricky laughing hysterically

Ricky: (laughing) The Darkness – Growing on Me, on XFM 104.9. Oh, it’s all going well already, innit?

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Microphones fell apart, Karl’s shoutin’ ‘cos he’s got headphones on--

Steve: (laughing) His music’s turned up too loud in his headphones--

Ricky: At Camfield level, God, he’s got pre-amps, look at him giggling, he’s, look at him, look at him laughing, that’s so funny ‘cos I’ve got a letter here, eh, from, eh, from, who is it from? Em, Mike Heel, who sent me a little picture of a little Japanese fella from a film who he said looks like me – and he does a little bit – em, but he says “Please can you make Karl laugh, I’ve never heard him utter as much as a snigger and I’m worried he may have a genetic disorder. Well, (laughing) I mean he has got a genetic disorder--

Steve: Yeah--

Ricky: -- obviously, but, em, he was giggle then. I hope, eh, I hope people heard ya then. Look at his little face--

Steve: It was a joy--

Ricky: -- I love the things that make him happy

Steve: But I love the fact that just before the, eh, microphone came up and just before the record finished he had his headphones on, the music was too loud and he was just shouting “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING!”

Ricky laughs.

Steve: “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING. WE’LL HAVE TO PLAY SOMETHING ELSE”.

Ricky: (laughing) I went and found Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus and said “Why isn’t it working?” (in a high pitched voice, laughing) Look at him giggling, look, he’s lost it. Is it ‘cos you’re going away? Are you on drugs, Karl? What have you done—he’s, he’s tickled, look at his little roun--he looks like one of those shaved monkeys. Look at his little--

Steve: Yeah--

Ricky: Oh my God, I’ve never seen a forehead glow--

Steve: I know, it’s extraordinary--

Ricky: Ohhhh--

Steve: And he’s got that red shirt on as well, so the whole thing is just a big glowing--

Ricky: Karl, what are you trying? What are you putting in--

Karl: Well, I’m just, eh, I’m gonna see if I can get this to work--

Ricky: Go on, then--

Karl: Hang on--

Ricky: Brilliant radio. I hope Doctor Fox is listening because I think he’s eating his words right now, Steve--

Steve laughs.

Karl: Right, I think I’ve done it--

Ricky: Well done. That’s excellent.

Karl: Right, what, what, what are we doin--

Ricky: Let’s play Bauhaus now and try and compose ourselves. This is Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus.

Song: Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust

Well, eh, There's A Monkey World Down There...

Ricky: Well that worked, that worked, didn’t it? So, panic over, calmed Karl now, calm now. You’re on holidays soon, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: You’ve gotta go off early?

Karl: Well, about, eh, about--

Ricky: How many holidays have you had? Because I only ever have time off when I’m working, like, doing another job, like, you know, filming or something, but you seem to have a lot of holidays, just like, and you were sick as well, you was just like, and you were sick as well, ‘cos you had wet trousers, which is a little bit, do you not care about the job? I mean, I’ve got to ask, because, you know what I mean, if I was in charge, I’d worry about your motivation, or—because we were, yesterday, we were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to, eh, Manchester United and moaning. And that is, that is the two we came up with--

Karl: I don’t know where you get the moaning thing from

Steve: You’re always whingeing.

Karl: About what?

Steve: Everything.

Karl: When? When did I last have a moan?

Steve: Eh, just before we came on air.

Karl: Right. And why was that?

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Eh, I don’t know. I can’t remember. ‘Cos we were in a good mood. We were in a good mood, me and Rick.

Karl: I’ll tell you why.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Because you brought a song in at ten to one, with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And saying “can you edit this?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah

Steve: But that’s your job.

Karl: You could have brought it in yesterday

Steve: No I couldn’t.

Karl: Why not?

Steve: I hadn’t thought of it.

Karl: Hmmmm

Ricky laughs.

Steve: But why, but why, but why are you whingeing? That’s your job. And I didn’t come in ten minutes before, it was a good twenty minutes before. It just took you ages ‘cos you were whingeing and moaning.

Karl: Hmmmm

Steve: So you didn’t even get started.

Karl: I’m not being dragged into this

Steve: You are always--

Karl: I’m on me holiday now--

Steve: Well, not yet, no you’re not on yet, you’re still working.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Well, this, that’s what’s funny, this isn’t even work, right, and yet it should be. Compared to what I do in the week, this is a doddle--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Well, That’s because you’re not putting any effort in, clearly. Where you going anyway, where you heading?

Karl: Cornwall.

Steve: What’s happening down there?

Karl: Eh, well there’s a monkey world.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: (laughing) You’re excited about that!?

Karl: We’ll do that. Go and see that. Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah

Karl: Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: How long you going for? The whole week?

Karl: Yeah. So eh--

Ricky: This is with your parents, isn’t it?

Karl: Yeah. Taking them out. Taking them out.

Steve: Your father, what do you think your father will be up to? What’s he going to be nicking on this holiday

Karl: Well he’s--

Ricky: Tin. There’s a lot of tin in Cornwall, because they’ve shut the mines

Karl: Well he’s just called Suzanne and said they’ve got there, said it’s a nice little place. Eh--

Steve: There’ll be no towels, when you get there.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Or light bulbs.

Ricky: So what are you going to do? Just chill out and go to the pub and stuff?

Karl: Yeah, like I say, I mean, all I’ve got planned is probably the, eh, probably the Tuesday and Thursday at Monkey World-

Steve and Ricky laugh

Ricky: Wha’ wha’ wha’ Wednesday, what ya thinking about Wednesday? Just wandering around?

Karl: Just sort of think about, you know-

Ricky: King Arthur, and that. He was down there, wasn’t he?

Karl: I don’t know, but I’ll tell you something

Ricky: Where you going? What town?

Karl: I don’t know, I don’t know where it is. Suzanne’s sorted it out.

Ricky: Yeah, she’s sorted it out. I heard him on the phone to her saying “Well pack ‘em. Pack tow pairs.” Poor woman. She’s packing your bags for ya.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right. You’d have spent more time at home if Steve hadn’t come in at ten to, with a rap record with, like obscenities all over it.

Karl: Yeah well, we’ll play that next week.

Steve: Well you didn’t even get the job done, that’s the thing. We can’t even play it because you didn’t get finished in time. ‘Cos you were whingeing

Ricky sniggers.

Ricky: I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. That Method Man, if he doesn’t stop ‘effin’ in and jeffin’ it’s the end of his career in my opinion

Steve and Ricky snigger

Ricky: All of this ‘eff that and, eh, yo jeff, I’m a jeff myself. Or I’m hanging out with my jeffs. It’s terrible

Steve: Yeah. Jeff you!

Ricky: And we know you can’t put out the J word on XFM

Steve: Yeah. Motherjeffer!

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: So we haven’t got that, but what we have got--

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Monkey News--

Ricky: We’ve still got Monkey News, have we?

Karl: That’s sorted out. That’s coming up. Rockbusters.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, last chance. Definitely your last chance this time. You actually improved a little bit last week, you did a couple of good ones.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Same again this week. And eh--

Steve: Cheeky Freak?

Ricky: The controversial Cheeky Freak of the Week. Where Karl, um, finds, um, um, a human being with, um, some sort of congenital, or eh, um, imposed deformity. So, eh, we talk about that in a wry way. Do you think that’s bit and clever?

Karl: No. But that’s, that’s just it. It’s never about taking the mickey out of someone, right, it’s about, it’s to make you think--

Ricky: I’ll tell you what isn’t big and clever--

Karl: How lucky you are--

Ricky: A dwarf with learning difficulties--

Steve: Nice!

Karl: Yeah, yeah, well--

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: We’ll explain it to you.

Song: British Sea Power - Carrion

Steal Or Go To Heaven?

Steve: That’s the forthcoming single from British Sea Power That’s call Carrion.

Ricky: That’s nice and retro. That’s like end of the seventies Bowie.

Steve: Mmmmm.

Ricky: That’s great. On XFM 104.9. That’s just some of the records--

Steve: That we’ve played so far.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? You’ve had The Darkness, you had Bauhaus, it’s like, can it get any better, Karl, do you think?

Karl: Like I say, we’ve got monkey news coming up.

Steve and Ricky laugh

Ricky: Guess what? I lost four hundred quid cash this week.

Steve: Gambling?

Ricky: No. No. That’s why it gutted me.

Steve: It wasn’t even on your gambling addiction?

Ricky: No. I had, eh, I had a photo shoot, right, I had a suit and I claimed back some expenses and I had it in my pocket. And then when I took the suit home it must have fallen out in the street or the cab and I remembered it and I went every pocket twice and it was the just the fact, I don’t of it “Oh, that’s terrible. That’s a terrible blow.” I think “God, if I had it back now, it would be free money”.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: “If I suddenly found it now I’d have four hundred pounds that was just free money”. And I had a little nap to get over it and I was--

Steve: (laughing) And you were fine.

Ricky: I was okay. But that’s

Steve: Four hundred pounds...

Ricky: Someone just found—what a gift that is. I mean, untraceable--

Steve: Did it, was it in a money clip, was it rolled up in a money clip--

Ricky: No. No it was just, literally, four hundred quid in an envelope and so that--

Steve: (exhaling) That’s a treat.

Ricky: I know. You see, I’d always hand it in. I genuinely would. Unless I found it in a f--, in the middle of a forest, or something. If it was in the street, do you know what I mean, though?

Steve: (laughing) Because a bear dropped it.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah, but I mean if I found it in a pub or a cab, I’d just hand it to anyone who was in--

Steve: (laughing) Or in a skip you were rummaging through.

Ricky: (laughing) Exactly yeah. But would, I’d hand it in. But there’s no way they can do it. Goes to the police station, it sits there for six months

Steve: Exactly. It’s a waste of time. Pocket it. But em, I, when I was younger I remember being outside of a post office once when I was about 10 or 12 and finding a purse and thinking “Oh that’s nice” and opening it up and there’s some money in there and a pension book and it was obviously an old lad. I found an address, I sent it to her and my mum said “You’ve been so good there you’ll probably get a little reward, she’ll probably send a little reward”. NOTHING! I got maybe a thank you note, but no cash, no moola, nothing and I was livid, because I’ve been told I’m going to get a reward, I thought “I’ve been a good Samiritan”, NOTHING!, soooo, many moons later when I’m at University, this is the most bizarre thing, it was like--

Ricky: This explains a lot, doesn’t it, Karl?

Steve: This is like the Marie Celeste. I went to a cash point but I thought “I can’t get my card in here”. So I realised there was already somebody’s card in the machine, they’d put the code in, but, um, but they-they-they-they disappeared, they’d been kidnapped, or something. So it was just there, waiting, sitting, saying “What do you want to do?” and it gave a number of options. I thought “Interesting”.

Ricky: “Steal or go to heaven?”

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Ricky: You went “Oh dear, um...”

Steve: Um, I pressed ‘Balance’ just to check what their balance was.

Ricky: Unbeliebable.

Steve: It was a considerable sum of money. I’m not going to lie to you. It was not typical student debt. It was, like, I think they were a foreign student, there was a lot of cash in there.

Ricky: Did you feel a slight bulge in your trousers when you saw the amount of money?

Steve: I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought to myself “Now then, I could just take that card out and hand it in or I could teach them a small lesson--

Ricky: Right

Steve: And maybe give myself a reward because last time I did that I didn’t get a reward so if I give myself thirty pounds--

Karl: Mmmmm--

Steve: Then I’ll take the card out

Ricky: 30!?

Steve: Gave myself 30 pounds--

Karl: Yeah--

Ricky: You didn’t really?

Steve: Well, I thought “That’s a good reward” and I went in and I handed the card in and I took--

Ricky: Steve!?

Steve: And that’s a little reward for me and I’ll tell you this, don’t think it’s evil because I went in and bought everyone a drink.--

Ricky: (incredulously) Uh, well brilliant.

Steve: Yeah. I didn’t tell them I got the money free..--

Ricky: Well done. Excellent.

Steve and Ricky: So...

Ricky: Probably gangsters are quite generous. With the money they’ve stolen from other people.

Steve: Yes, but someone’s negligence, Rick, has lent that the, the thing is.--

Ricky: Steve..I, I believe that except the buying people a drink, Karl, what do you think?

Karl: Well I kind of thought that when he said it, but then I thought they’ll be buying one him back--

Ricky: So in a way--?

Karl: So in a way he’s still a winner

Ricky screams with laughter.

Steve: Yeah. So everyone’s a winner, including the student because, frankly, if there’d been a less scrupulous person who’d found it they’d probably have helped themselves to a considerable sum--

Ricky: I cannot believe you did that.

Steve: There was thousands and thousands of pounds--

Ricky: What if, what if it was, what it Beadle had jumped out and slapped you with his little claw and said “we’ve been filming this, Merchant”?

Steve: So what?

Ricky: How old were you then?

Steve: Dunno, 19 or 20?

Ricky: Would you do it again or was it just to get the world back for the old lady’s purse?

Steve: Um.....possibly do it again, yeah.

Ricky: (incredulously) You’re joking?

Steve: Well, you’ve got to think of it this way, you’ve got to think of it as, there was a lot of money in there and someone less scrupulous than me would have taken a fortune. They have cleaned them out. Whereas I just took a small reward which I thought was more than enough for someone’e negligence and I’ve returned the card, they’ve got the card back, everything, fine. Think of someone else, I could have gone on a spending spree, all sorts--

Ricky: Yeah but it wasn’t yours at all?

Steve: Yes, but it’s, they probably would have given me a reward and because, you know, sometimes people forget, or don’t give you a reward I thought I should take it myself--

Ricky: He had a go at your dad for nicking a loaf of bread out of a phonebox.

Steve: Yeah, but that’s because it’s for old people, geriatrics and stuff--

Karl: How do you know how old was your people you were robbing from?

Steve: It’s a student—it was on a student campus.

Karl: Mmmmm.

Ricky: Well...

Steve: I think it was more, I thought it was excellent behaviour. I thought it was good, honourable behaviour.

Ricky: That’s incredible. That’s shown another side to him, hasn’t it?

Steve: What would you have done, Karl, in that situation? And tell the truth.

Karl: I might have helped myself a little bit.

Ricky: (incredulously) Uh, uh!?!?

Steve: There you are. There you are.

Ricky: I don’t know what, this is helping yourself a bit

Karl: No, but, like you say, just sort of, you know, send it him back and sort of say, you know--

Ricky: If you find a pound coin in the street and you can be bothered to bend over for it, then have it, but someone’s cashpoint card or personal belongings--

Karl: I’d let ‘em know, though, did you send it to them and say, I’ve, you know, I’ve, service charge included, I’ve sort of, took that out already--

Steve: No, I gave, I handed it in to the--

{{Ricky|(screeching) “Let them know”? What do you mean, you’d “let them know”?

Karl: I’d say, you know, “you’re lucky here right, I just took”, I’d probably have 20, actually, because that’s one note--

Steve: Sure--

Ricky: Sorry, are you, right, okay, you are winding me up?

Karl: No, no I’m not not. I mean, for once, I mean, I know what Steve’s like, he is tight, right--

Ricky sniggers.

Ricky: Well...

Karl: No, he is. And you know that, don’t you, Steve? I’m not--

Steve: Financially, you mean?

Karl: Well no. Just the way you are, you’re very sort of, you know--

Steve: I’m careful--

Karl: You’re not wasteful with your money--

Steve: I’m careful--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: No, I’m not wasteful, absolutely right--

Karl: No, no, but to the extreme--

Steve: Not at all to the extreme, not at all to the extreme

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: No, no, no, come on, come on now--

Steve: Look after the pennies, the pounds will take care of themselves, alright, simple to remember, good advice.

Karl: Yeah, but, the thing is, right, I know I take the mickey out of you for the way you look and stuff--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Sure, and right back at you.

Karl: But, the thing is, you can’t help that--

Steve: Absolutely--

Karl: But, I’ll tell you something women don’t like--

Steve: Sure--

Karl: and it’s fellas who are tight with their money--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Sure. I’m not frugal with money with ladies, I’m frugal with money with you--

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Well, eh--

Steve: I’ve got no reason to splash money out on you--

Karl: I’ve never seen you splash money out--

Steve: Well, you’ve never been out with me--

Ricky: (laughing)Have you ever, Steve, have you ever splashed out on a lady?

Steve: Um, no, but I hope to one day--

Ricky laughs.

Steve: The right lady--

Ricky: (laughing) Play a record?

Song: Blur - Out of Time

I'll Be Using This After Masturbation

Song: Blur - Out of Time

Ricky: Blur – Out of Time on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Talking of money, Steve, look at this, right, it’s in the paper. A wife has had her beauty insured for £100,000 in case she grows ugly and her husband walks out. Eh, Nicole Jones, 26, of Chipping Sodbury Gloucestershire, says £200 a year, pays £200 a year for a policy. She arranged it as a present for her husband, Richard. Her beauty will be judged by a panel of builders. So......

Steve laughs.

Steve: Have they been selected beforehand, do you think? Does she know who they are

Ricky: I don’t know.

Steve: I assume they’re complete strangers--

Ricky: So, suppose in, like, in 30 years time he looks at her and goes “Oh, you’ve lost your looks” she goes “Well have I?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ”Yeah” she goes “Well have I? Call in the panel”. Some builders come in (does a bawdy wolf whistle) “Alright? Get ‘em out for the--”, “Well never mind that, it’s the—“ “Yeah, she’s lost it”. A hundred grand. A hundred grand coming your way--

Steve: They stand on some scaffolding--

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah--

Steve: She walks by and if they wolf whistle--

Ricky: That is amazing--

Steve: Do you think they give her a quote first?

Ricky: Yeah, what if they say “Actually , love, you got nothing to lose”? You’re not, you’re not, you’re not an oil painting anyway.

Steve: We can’t come round and judge your beauty for at least a few weeks--

Ricky: I mean, that is just open to abuse, isn’t it? A hundred thousand pounds....because I remember, em, in, in, Japan, they’re mad on golf, right, and if you get a hole in one you buy everyone, you throw a party. And it was costing them, like, thousands and thousands of pounds. So they were insuring themselves against getting a hole in one. And so, miraculously, everyone was going “I got a hole in one!”....”Did he?”....”Yeah”--

Steve: Yeah--

Ricky: Payin’ out insura--I mean, they could be in that together, couldn’t they? Spend—I’m sure they’re not. They’re probably more honest than you two that would take twenty quid out of a cashpoint. But, you know--

Steve: No. 30--

Ricky: (laughing) 30. Yeah. 30. But I like the wording, though...”A wife”--

Steve: ”A wife.” The word ‘wife’.. 30--

Ricky: The word ‘wife’--

Steve: It’s a, I, dunno why it make—I find it such an odd word. “Hello, this is my wife”.--

Ricky: “Hello, eh, the wife”--

Steve: Yeah, ‘the wife’--

Ricky: My wife

Steve: It seems a word that you have to say if you’re 60--

Ricky: Yeah, I know--

Steve: ”Have you met the wife?”--

Ricky: And even then ironically, unless some, eh eh, you don’t know exactly...”my wife is from” you know what I mean?--

Steve: Yeah that makes sense but it’s ‘the wife’--

Ricky: People do ”Oh, better get back, I’m meeting the wife for dinner”--

Steve laughs.

Ricky: But especially when you know them--

Steve: Yeah I remember bumping into someone, friends of mine, somewhere at a party, to a couple I knew, and I knew both of them before they got married. In fact, I’d known her, I think, longer. And I said “where’s so and so” and he went “Oh, the wife will be along in a minute”. And it’s this notion, that, use her name!--

Ricky: (laughing) I know, I know who she is--

Steve: I know who she is, I know her name--

Ricky: (laughing) The wife, it’s like--

Steve: What, I used to call her by that--

Ricky: It’s like someone going “You know I’m married? You know I’m married?”--

Steve: It’s like showing off--

Ricky: “In this eyes of God, we are wed.”

Steve: (laughing) Exactly--

Ricky: “Yes, that makes me more of a grown up than you.”

Steve: It’s that kind of, it’s the ownership, “you know I’m a real man. I’ve got a wife and her she is. My wife”--

Ricky: I find it, it’s like, I find to say. In a shop, I can never ask for ‘wet ones’.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? If I have to go and ask for wet ones I won’t bother. Or toilet duck. Another one I have a problem with, that I never say: Snickers.

Steve: (laughing) Why?

Ricky: Dunno. I think it’s I grew up with Marathon.

Steve: See, I still, this is so pathetic, I’m still embarrassed buying toilet paper.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Whenever you go into, like, your 24 hour shop just around the corner, not a supermarket big shop, but if you just go in there and you’d be just buying some milk, a chocolate bar. It’s like, they know what you’re up to--

Ricky: No--

Steve: No, but they know you’re gonna use it to, you know, when you’re going to the lavatory at some point. Sort of, it’s too intimate--

Ricky: But you could just go “I know what you’re thinking, I’ll be using this after masturbation” thus saving your embarrassment--

Steve and Ricky: Both laughing.

Steve: It’s to go with the porn mag I bought--

Song: Elvis Costello - Allison