16 November 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 16 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Genius Karl Pilkington
Ricky: Foo Fighters. All My Life on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and uh, Karl Pilkington.
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: Genius Karl Pilkington as Heat magazine said.
Steve: Really, is that what he's referred to now?
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: Oh.
Ricky: Genius. Saying about people tune in just to hear his games such as...Educating Ricky. Have you got some Educating Ricky for me?
Karl: Got some Educating Ri-...
Ricky: I need some education Karl. I desperately need some education.
Karl: Got some later.
Ricky: I wanna learn about Chinese kids that are born hairier than average.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: I wanna her-hear about deaf girls that can hear after their mum hits their head against a wall. These are the things I need to know.
Steve: I mean I don't wish to be disrespectful. He doesn't look like a genius.
Ricky: He doesn't look like a genius.
Steve: But I don't know what a genius looks like, Rick.
Ricky: Exactly...
Steve: So, you know...
Ricky: ...Steve.
Karl: Lo-lo-look at Einstein.
Ricky and Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: His mum thought he was mental as a child.
Ricky snickers
Steve: Where'd you get that information from?
Karl: That was in the Einstein book.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: If it was in the Einstein book then it's presumably true.
Steve: Which Einstein book is that? Is it Theory of relativity?
Ricky: The big book of Einstein stuff.
Steve: Oh yeah, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, the big book of Einstein stuff. It's for a coach trip and you have to fill in E equals MC, one: squared, two: fish or three: hello and then it's multiple choice and then you fill it, it's great.
Steve: Did his mum think A: he was a genius? B: mental.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Ricky: Some, most people go for A, but it is in fact B. She thought he was mental at the age of 28. Oh, Karl. You never let me down. You NEVER let me down. So, have you got Educating Ricky for me?
Karl: Got Educating Ricky coming up.
Ricky: You've got Rockbusters.
Karl: We've got Rockbusters.
Steve: Some great prizes as well.
Ricky: As seen and talked about in Heat.
Steve Laughs
Steve: In Heat magazine.
Karl: It's got really tough this week now. We're not messing about anymore.
Steve: Uh-huh.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Got some good prizes.
Steve: Absolutely and we'll talk about those later. Uh, cause I mean, was it last week you had the classic, was it, um, I can't remem-, I'm paraphrasing here Karl, apologies, something like I'm here in Texas. I've fallen in a puddle and my knee has got wet.
Ricky: Yeah, wet-knee Houston.
Steve: Wet-knee Houston. Whitney Houston.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And also, it was last week when there was a little bit of confunsion over, uh, the one for Holly Valence, right.
Steve: Of course.
Karl: Um...
Steve: I don't think it was confusion. I think it was your error.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: No no no, it wasn't. It was...
Ricky: It was holy valence and you meant pelmet.
Karl: Ah, then...
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: ...Becky who called up that time and said "Ah if, you-you get a mistaken with pelmet, right, she sent me an in a week.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Sayin', "I done a bit of research."
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: "It was my fault. I've mad an error."
Ricky: Yeah
Karl: "It is a valence."
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: And I know about valences as I told you last week, at very end, me Auntie loves em.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right. She um...she makes em'. She started off just like putting em' on top of the, uh, sorta' window round' the curtain. And then she-she thought "Oh, I can do more with this."
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: And she had a little coffe table that had magazines underneath...
Steve: Yeah
Karl: ...and she said "Oh, I'm sick o' seein' those magazines when I'm sat down."
Steve: She sounds...
Ricky Laughs
Steve: ...she sounds like a Pilkington.
Karl: So...
Ricky Continues To Laugh
Ricky: "I'm sick of seein' them magazines when I sit down."
Karl: So she put a valence round' the table...
Ricky: Yeah, yeah
Steve: So it's got valences round' everything now?
Karl: Then...
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: ...next step. She tapes everything. She never actually watches telly, she tapes it all...
Ricky: Yeah
Karl: ...cause she gets sick of listening to the adverts and that.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So she tapes everything. So she's got loads of video tapes and that and the video used to get on her nerves, when she was watcing a film she'd see the clock changing.
Steve: Oh.
Karl: ...and it'd distract her from the film so she put a valence round' that.
Steve: Of course.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That's genius. Yeah
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So...
Ricky: That is really...
Steve: Or...or is it mental?
Ricky: I don't know.
Steve: Only Mrs. Einstein can tell us.
Ricky: I don't know. She's even made her little, um, Jack Russell look like a hover craft.
Karl: If you stand still, that's it.
Steve: So, everything's got a valence?
Karl: It's, if you go round' and you stand still for too long the chances are that she'll put a valence round' your head.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: This the, uh, this Auntie who?
Karl: Auntie Nora.
Ricky: And this is the one who farted for five minutes.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Lest our listeners forget.
Steve: Lest we forget.
Ricky: Farted for fives minutes, called his mum saying "I'm farting." two minutes into the fart.
Karl: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes in."
Ricky Laughs
Steve: She said "I'm about two-and-a-half minutes into the fart."
Karl: Well, me me mum said "How longs it been going on for?" She said "Well, it was about two-and-a-half minutes before I called you."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And then it went on for a further two, two-and-a-half minutes or something.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: And uh, then it stopped. And, uh...
Ricky: She couldn't time her cause there was a valence over the clock. Cause it used to annoy her when she on the phone. It would put her off. She was guessing it was five minutes.
Steve: This was one consistent fart.
Karl: Yeah. I mean it wasn't making a noise. It was just...
Steve: Oh, it wasn't making a noise?
Karl: Just gas.
Ricky Snickers
Steve: Right, endless gas.
Karl: So, uh there you go.
Ricky: That's fantastic. Well, we started off with a new one. A little bit of Foo Fighters. We like new and old on this show, don't we.
Steve: Indeed. We like to mix it up.
Ricky: I'd like to play, this is Smiths from there debut album, um, I Don't Owe You Anything.
Song: Smiths - I Don't Owe You Anything
Can't Move For Soil
Ricky: "I Don't Owe You Anything", the lads from Karl's hometown there.
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: The Smiths. Brilliant, that one. Well, I went to Manchester, didn't I, the other day? Went to Manchester for a little corporate.
Steve: What did you make of it?
Ricky: It was all right. The - he went, "Wait 'til you get out", he said, because it's better than Houston.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: It was, the - you know, it was nicer. I went outside and there was a ridiculous queue and sort of one cab.
Steve: Right, yeah.
Ricky: So ---
Steve: Horse-drawn?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And so, I walked. And it was okay, it was only down the road. A bit dark. It was wet and raining, of course.
Steve: Obviously, it's the North.
Ricky: I know, yeah. Hotel was very nice, but no mini-bar. Never seen that before. I've travelled all over the world, Steve, I've never had a hotel without a mini-bar.
Steve Snickers
Steve: No, I've never heard that.
Ricky: So, I don't know what's going on there and - I don't know what's going on there. And then I had this corporate gig in Old Trafford. The pitch was up, I don't know what they were doing. But, you know, very impressive. Big, impressive. I think they were Richard's football club, aren't they, Karl?
Karl: Yep.
Steve: You did a gig at where?
Ricky: Old Trafford. It was in a function room, there, so ---
Steve: Oh, well, I thought it was the stadium.
Ricky: No, no.
Steve: In the player hall.
Ricky: I'm not that big yet.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: No. But, I mean, you know, I can't really comment on Manchester. I do know that Liverpool was voted, "Most important music city" by a poll.
Steve: True enough.
Ricky: So - Karl, you're making noises while I'm talking.
Karl: Yeah. But you do this all the time, trying to wind me up. And I'm not saying Manchester's the best place in the world, but what I'm saying is there's bits of it that I really miss.
Ricky: Yep.
Karl: Like, last Sunday, right? When I met up with Ricky. We had spaghetti bolognese, which was all right.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: And then I said to him, I said, "I need some soil."
Steve: Damn, I wish you'd invited me. It sounds ---
Ricky Laughs
Steve: --- amazing.
Karl: Right? Listen. I said, "I need some soil, what do you think?"
Steve: You need some what? Soil?
Ricky: Soil, yeah.
Karl: Soil. I need to re-pot a plant, right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So ---
Steve: You need to re-pot a plant?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I - oh, fair enough.
Karl: So, I'm like, "Where" - you can't see these shops in London.
Steve: Okay, yeah. You can't buy soil?
Karl: Do you know what I mean? There's nothing around.
Ricky: I took him straight to one in my street.
Karl: Yeah, but near your street and thats probably the only one in London.
Ricky: Well, you say that, Karl.
Karl: No, it does annoy me. 'Round my way it's like, you know---
Steve: You can't move for soil, sure.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Karl, there's earth, you can just pick up handfuls walking down the street.
Steve: Yeah. Incredible.
Ricky: You just ---
Steve: Just lean over into someone's front garden.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: You can take the plants as well.
Karl: No, what I'm saying is ---
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: --- Manchester, there's loads of decent hardware shops.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Here, you know, if you want a panini and a latte or whatever, you can't move for 'em. But for soil, I had to go virtually - how many miles away from me to carry out soil home and stuff?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It's not got - I mean, London's all right. But if cities were sort of marked ---
Ricky: It's neglecting the peat market, really, isn't it?
Steve Snickers
Steve: Yeah. Well, there's barely - I mean, there's barely any mulch available, Rick.
Ricky: Well, I ---
Steve: In Central London.
Ricky: I'm sick and tired of not getting a good, decent compost on a Sunday.
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: So ---
Steve: It sickens me.
Ricky: --- you know, I'm thinking of moving to the North.
Steve Snickers
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Where there is loads of soil and gravel.
Steve Snickers
Steve: Indeed.
Ricky: And animal shite.
Steve Snickers
Karl: Well, whatever.
Ricky: Yeah. So ---
Karl: Whatever.
Steve: So, you were going to say if you were marking cities out of 10, what would you give London?
Karl: Well, if you were marking them on, like, you know, on what they have ---
Steve: Right.
Ricky: As opposed to what?
Karl: Well, as opposed to ---
Ricky: How you spell it?
Steve: The name.
Karl: Say - like, I think the greatest city in the world is Rome, right?
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: It's pretty amazing.
Steve: M'mm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Have you been?
Ricky: What - yeah. Why do you think that, though?
Karl: Just because, like, you turn a corner and there's something there that's really old. Right?
Ricky Snickers
Steve: Right.
Karl: Like---
Steve and Ricky snicker.
Karl: --- you're going down a normal street---
Ricky: Go and stay in a Darby and Joan club.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: No, no, no. But it's like you're going down the road and then you turn a corner and, like, the Colosseum's in the middle of a - like, a busy road.
Ricky: M'mm.
Karl: It's like, what's that doing there?
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And just when you think there's no more, you turn another corner and ---
Ricky: It's almost as if that was there first.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Well ---
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But, do you know what I mean? London ---
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: --- what have we got? You know, Trafalgar Square's world - sort of world known. And you go there, and what's there?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Do you know what I mean? So, there's a lot of space there. Get one big B&Q ---
Steve: In Trafalgar Square?
Karl: --- to cater for the whole of the people who live, sort of, Central London-ish.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Karl: And then I'd be happy. But what I'm saying is ---
Ricky: What, with Nelson just popping up through the middle?
Steve snickers
Ricky: 'Cause you could still see it, couldn't you?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: It's a great idea.
Ricky: B&Q - that - so, B&Q could be, like, the whole sort of flat thing and they make it sort of grey so it looked like rock and then Nelson popping up ---
Steve: Make it classy is what you're saying.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stone clad it.
Steve: Yeah.
Steve Snickers
Ricky: So it looks like you've made an effort.
Steve: Exactly.
Steve Snickers
Ricky: And then you can pop in and then you can go out and go, "Oh look, Nelson's Column. Oh, look, it's Nelson - oh, look at that. The victory. Oh, the feat, that's fantastic. One of the greatest living" ---
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: "I need some nails."
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah. Perfect. Killing two birds with one stone, you're saying.
Karl: But why don't - why isn't there more than - more than them shops? Because when I went in to yours, every time I've been in there, I've been in there twice now. The first time was to get a shower head. Right?
Ricky Snickers
Steve: Right.
Karl: And I went in there, couldn't resist buying something else and I ended up getting some super glue as well.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Why?
Karl: Right?
Steve: Hey, big spender.
Karl: And then ---
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: --- last Sunday we went in there, got two bags of soil. Not one, I bought two.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Karl: And I bought some scissors to cut plants with.
Ricky: Secateurs.
Karl: Scissors.
Steve: Well, you don't - you never know when you want - you know, you might need more soil, I suppose.
Ricky: M'mm.
Karl: Well, I've got ---
Steve: You're (?) up now. Where do you keep it, under your bed?
Ricky: Sorry, this isn't going out, is it, this conversation? It's not going out on air?
Steve: I got a feeling it might be.
Ricky: You're joking. We better play a record.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Play a classic.
Song: The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So
The Hat-He-Chewed
Ricky: Hives, "Hate to Say I Told You So" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl "Genius" Pilkington.
Steve snickers
Steve: Absolutely. I was watching a bit of TV ---
Ricky: Karl "The Brain" Pilkington.
Steve: Yeah. The Brain. Brains. Yeah. I was watching a bit of TV last night, Rick.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: And I had a little thought ---
Ricky: Children in Need?
Steve: No, well, I didn't watch Children in Need.
Ricky: Oh, it was a treat.
Steve: I was watching something - I think it was last night, it was a bit earlier, I had a little thought for lads that might be out tonight, you know, on the raz.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Maybe they get a little bit of success with the ladies.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: This was something that struck me as I was watching it. A lot of gentlemen, you know, when they're engaged in, you know, an act of, you know, relations with a lady ---
Ricky: M'mm.
Steve: --- they like to sort of, you know, think of an image or something that will prevent them from, you know, *whistles*. And you get - you catch my drift. We're men in the world.
Ricky: Grandmother's funeral is the cliche isn't it?
Steve snickers
Steve: Exactly. And I tell you what I think it should be? Rik Waller jogging.
Ricky snickers.
Steve: I was watching Fit Club
Ricky: I know.
Steve: I have never seen ---
Ricky: I'm ---
Steve: --- anything like it, Rick.
Ricky: I like it when Harvey lost it with him.
Steve: Oh, man alive. I mean, I know I slag him off, but I do - I don't really like him either. I just think he comes across appallingly. And I think, you know ---
Ricky: When he just walked away when that - in that - mid-conversation talking to that bloke. They're doing it for his good, really.
Steve: I know. But he's - how - he's, like, 31 stone?
Ricky: I think he lost a bit. I think he's 29 now. Don't exaggerate, Steve.
Steve snickers
Ricky: You make him sound like a fat ---
Steve: But, you know - I mean, yeah.
Ricky: Oh, that was close, wasn't it?
Steve: When having sex, you know, apparently thinking of Rik Waller helps.
Ricky: Oh. Oh, don't - look what's happened.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: That's the reverse effect.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh, no, me and Karl ---
Steve: No, no, if you're with a lady, if you're with a lady ---
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: --- apparently that works.
Ricky: I know he's out now, isn't he? He's out.
Steve: He's - did he walk out?
Ricky: I think so. I think that's it, from what I can ---
Karl: No, no. I think next week, they kick him out 'cause I read something about he - they get rid of him next week 'cause of his attitude. And the first time I read it, I thought he'd actually ate someone's hat.
Ricky laughs
Karl: But was ---
Steve: You lost me there.
Ricky: Got rid of him 'cause of the "hat-he-chewed". Oh ---
Steve: Everything you think of now is puns.
Ricky laughs
Steve: You can't get puns out of your head, can you?
Ricky: Oh, Karl, you're great. Look at his little face.
Steve: He's so pleased.
Ricky: That is good.
Steve: How long have you been working on that? How long have you been working on ---
Ricky: You've gotta love - you've gotta give him that. That is a real joke.
Steve: No, that is - no, it is.
Ricky: Look at his face. He knew it was funny, it was meant to be funny, he said it to be funny. And it was. Well done.
Steve: I ---
Ricky: Well done.
Steve: I'm just interested, I just wanna dissect it 'cause it was brilliant and I'm wondering how long have you been working on it?
Karl: About two weeks.
Steve: Uh-huh.
Ricky laughs
.
Steve: Yeah, no, it's good stuff. It was worth the wait.
Karl: Can I go home now?
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh, well done.
Steve: The hat he chewed. Attitude.
Ricky: I don't think - there's only one band that can top that, another band from Manchester, Oasis.
Steve: Oh.