02 March 2002/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 02 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1
If I Win, I Won't Tell Ya
Song: Zero 7 - Distractions
Ricky: Zero 7, Distractions. Very nice. Yes, I approve of that, Karl. Good – good choice there. Now, Steve.
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: Karl came round to my flat, uh, it was Tuesday night, wasn’t it.
Karl: Nice place.
Ricky: Now, um, thanks. Now, last week after the show, I think you (mumbles), in the time you went to toilet, right, Karl got out the lottery, uh, ticket that he bought, he went, I’m feeling really confident tonight. He was goin’ – I laughed – he said, No seriously, look at the numbers. And I looked at ‘em, I think they were 4 – 6 – 8 – 20 – 36 – 48, weren’t they? He was goin’ I’ve just got a feelin’ about those, I went Sure. He went Although, you know, m’ girlfriend said that if I won the lottery, we’d prob’ly split up, ‘cause we like such different things. Mean’, she likes to travel, and he doesn’t, and so he says, he said, so what I said was, Well if I win then I won’t tell ya. I’ll just treat you a little bit more.
Steve tee-hees
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: That’s brilliant logic!
Ricky: That is great. Anyway,
Karl: I’d look after her, though.
Steve: Oh, I’d imagine you’d take care of her, yeah. Yeahyeahyeah, you’re a good guy. How would you do it, then, you’d just sneak little gifts in, slowly over many years.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: You don’t think she’s rumble, the fact that you, like, don’t work anymore and drive a Lamborghini?
Karl: Well I’d still do this. I think.
Steve: What, like as a kind of beard, as a cover story. So you’d pretend to come to work, but maybe off partyin’ or something, in the daytime. Clever!
Ricky: Now, he didn’t win.
Steve: Okay!
Ricky: I phoned him up Saturday night, he went One number.
Steve hoo-hoos
Ricky: I don’t know, I think it was 8, wasn’t it?
Karl: Yeah, well there was a lot of 8s on my piece of paper, weren’t they. So I think it was either and 8 or an 18 or a 48.
Ricky: And he went, he was disappointed, he said Waste of time. I went, Well, he said, No, waste of time. He went, I’ve worked it out. I went, Go on. He went, There are 26 letters in the alphabet. I went, Yeah. He went, Think how many words you can make out of them. He went, There are 48 numbers in the lottery. I went, yeah, 60 million to 1. He went, Yeah. Not worth it.
Karl: I looked into that in the week, right. And there’s even less letters in the Welsh alphabet, they’ve only got 20, and yet they’ve got loads of words as well. So even 20, the chances, if there was 20 numbers, and you had to pick 6 winners, it’d still be really,
Steve: Unlikely.
Karl: Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah! You should be a mathematician. And anyway, so we got talkin’ about it, we got talk – me, him and Jane, yeah, and I told Jane that he said about, oh, if he won the lottery, he doesn’t like travelin’ much, she went, Why you don’t like travelin? and, uh, he went, Well, I don’t like planes, I’m really scared of planes, and that, Well, if you won’t the lottery, you could have a world cruise! And he went, No. She went, Don’t fancy that? He went, No. He said If you go on a world cruise, what do you do next year?
Steve hoos, haas, heehees
Ricky: Genius!
Steve: Ohh … it’s brilliant logic, Karl! You, you know on the world cruise you don’t actually see the whole world. I mean, you -
Ricky: And if you did, it’s not like say Well I don’t want to see that twice.
Steve hahas
Steve: I mean, it is the world.
Ricky: It is the world. There’s a lot. There’s a lot to see.
Steve: Sorry, did it – did it never dawn on you before, about the numbers, at lottery. Have you been playing this for years and thinking that you had a good chance, and thinking that it was just like you and a handful of other people that were doin it.
Karl: Just as much chance as everyone else, but then when you actually sit down, think about what you’re doin,
Ricky: Sure. He’s done it again this week, he went, I’m doin it one more time, and he showed me the numbers, and he went They look a bit more healthy, don’t they.
Steve hahas
Ricky: Aw,
Steve: What numbers you goin’ for this week?
Karl: It’s all right laughing, but we’ll see you tonight!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Go on then. You know people – if people do this, and they win, you take these out and people do these, you’ll have to share it with someone. That’s all right though, innit. Give ‘em a chance, tell ‘em - give, give people a clue. What numbers are ya doin, Karl?
Karl: Naw, I’m not gonna tell ‘em all. I’ll, I’ll give you four. I’ve got 5 – 9 – 12 – and 26.
Ricky laughs
Steve: Ok.
Ricky: You’re not gonna give us the other two?
Karl: No! That’s a big difference, innit.
Ricky: What are they –
Karl: Four’s worth about 8 grand, innit. If I give ‘em the other two and it wins,
Ricky: Yeah. What are those 4 numbers again?
Karl: 5 – 9 – 12 – 26.
Ricky: Also coming up is Karl’s GCSE results. He took them in 1988, I think, and we’ve got, we’ve phoned his school, we tracked ‘em down, we’ve got Karl’s GC, GCS, -- what did I say?
Steve: How many did you get, Rick?
Ricky explodes with laughter
Steve laughs
Song: Clinic - Walking with Thee
If You Didn't Have Bad Things, You Wouldn't Enjoy the Good Things
Ricky: Clinic, Walking with Thee. Sorry about that earlier – you know I like to keep a tight, slick ship. And that, lets us all done. Dunnit. When something goes wrong with the shoddy equipment in this place. Why don’t you buy some new stuff? Must be earnin’ a bit of money now, mustn’t you. You got a few listeners now, we got adverts, don’t we. Why don’t they just buy a new CD player? You can go down to Richard Sounds and get one for 50 quid.
Karl: I dunno. I suppose when you’re startin’ off, you save the money you make first, before you spend it.
Ricky: Go down to Record and Tape Exchange, take all the 4 Non Blondes and INXS stuff you’ve got
Steve: Outa the record library,
Ricky: You’ll be able to get an old CD player.
Karl: It’s only 5 minutes, this week, it took.
Ricky: What? What’d I say?
Steve: What? The 4 Non Blondes, obligatory mention?
Ricky laughs
Karl: I think we should make that sort of, call in to win feature.
Steve: Karl, are we using the equipment that you used to use when you had, uh, Pilkie’s Makin Music, the DJ outfit that you –
Ricky: I love that. That was Karl Pilkington and, Someone Makin?
Karl: Colin Makin.
Steve: Colin Makin.
Ricky: Col – Pilkie’s Makin Music.
Steve: Genius. Are we using that same equipment?
Ricky: That’s great. Did you earn any money?
Karl: Um, I paid for the tube lights and that. I sort of, covered me costs.
Ricky: Didja? Did you pay any tax on that?
Karl: No.
Steve and Ricky titter
Karl: That’s what they got Al Capone on, innit.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: It is, yeah! That’s right. Don’t worry about the music policy, we’re sortin’ it out. We got some Verve comin’ up, we got, uh, some Jimmy Webb, we got some Nick Cave, we got some Aimee Mann, we got some Travis, Cornershop, you know what I mean, we’re, we’re sortin’ ourselves out,
Steve: Some big names there.
Ricky: We just start – we haven’t started yet. We’re just startin’ gettin’ goin’, we’ve got some, uh, Karl’s GCSE results,
Karl: Let’s do it now.
Ricky: Should we do it now?
Steve: Well let’s – I think we should have a White Van Man session –
Ricky: Oh, a White Van Man-
Steve: ‘Cause I think people tune in for the White Van Man session, Karl.
Ricky: Yeah, people haven’t tuned in, they don’t know -
Steve: If people aren’t familiar with this, The Sun runs a column every day which is asking some punter on the street their views on the week’s big events, and we thought, why not just hijack that idea, but apply it to Karl Pilkington. Karl –
Karl: I’ve not seen much news again this week.
Steve: You haven’t seen much news. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have an opinion in it.
Ricky: Just give us it from your heart.
Karl: Saw Gladiator.
Steve: Ok, well on the subject of Gladiator, what do you make of Russell Crowe’s appalling behavior at the BAFTAs.
Karl: This is um, I heard a bit about this. This is when he got some director, or something,
Ricky: The producers threatened ‘im ... ‘cause they cut his bit, didn’t they.
Steve: Yeah, they cut a poem that he’d done, during the acceptance speech.
Karl: See, I – I watched it, on Sunday night, I didn’t realise it wasn’t live, to be honest, but, I quite liked the way it was to the point, didn’t mess about, it was, he went up, he said thanks,
Steve: So you’re saying that he SHOULDN’T have beaten up the director. Is that what you’re basically saying.
Karl: It’s a bit over the top.
Steve: You thought so.
Karl: I mean, if you didn’t have time – if you’re really, I mean what’s, what’s the poem got to do with the film, anyway, it was an awards for a film -
Steve: So do you think it’s ever justified, to beat up a TV director if you’re a major Holllywood star.
Karl: Depends what he’s done, but I mean,
Steve: Right. What would he have to have done, Karl, for it to be fine for him to then beat him up.
Karl: The thing is, right, forget all the beatin’ up. At the end of the day, it was an awards thing for a film. The poem had nothin’ to do with the film,
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And to go, collect your award for the thing, and if you really really wanted people to hear about this poem, he could’ve photocopied it, and left it out at the entrance, and said, On your way out, this is a really nice poem, pick one up.
Steve hoohoos
Ricky: No, but the thing is, he knew it was televised, so he knew by sayin’ that poem once, he was reaching, 5 million people. That’s a lot – that’s a lot of photocopies. Do you see what I’m sayin. I’m not sayin’ it was justified.
Karl: Yeah, but it wasn’t a poem award. If it was an awards show for poems, you’d say, You can’t cut it out, it’d be like doin’ the Top 40 and then goin’, Number 1’s good, but we haven’t got time for it.
Steve laughs
Karl: But it’s a films thing.
Ricky: Ok.
Karl: And he went up, and he got the award for the film, which film was it for?
Ricky: I don’t know. But when I wanted to give you your results, I said, Let’s give Karl his results. Steve went, No, we should introduce people to Karl again, just remind people what Karl’s like, and he’s so right. I’m so glad we did this first.
Steve heehees
Karl: Am I right, though.
Ricky: Carry on, Steve.
Steve: All right, the next uh, the next topic, um, what about this big debate over whether Kylie Minogue has had a bum job.
Karl: I’d have to see it.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: Next!
Steve: Ok. What’ you make of Will Young’s single, he’s the Pop Idol winner, it’s gonna net record-breaking sales, apparently, it’s gonna go straight to Number 1, he’s had millions of copies sold,
Karl: I heard that last week, that you had to, um, if you wanted to buy it from Woolworths, you had to go in, and pop a pound down, to guarantee gettin’ a copy.
Ricky: Well ..
Karl: I think that’s stupid.
Steve: But what do you make of it, though. Do you think um,
Karl: What, as a song?
Steve: Both as a song and do you – are you excited about Will Young, and his future?
Karl: He’ll do all right, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him, but he’ll do all right. It’s not my thing but, seems like a nice bloke.
Steve: Ok. Jolly good.
Ricky: One final one?
Steve: Yeah, one final one then. What do you make of our scientists getting the go-ahead to clone embryos for research. We have discussed cloning before, and obviously there’s uh, the pros and cons of that. Christopher Reeve, former Superman star, he’s behind this. Are you behind him?
Karl: Yeah .. I mean, with everything, you have your good and for you bad, don’t you.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: At the end of the day, uh, if you didn’t have bad things in the world, then you wouldn’t enjoy the good things. I think, you know, it’s like if you didn’t have robbers in the world, policement wouldn’t have a job. So it’s the same thing. It’s like, it’s an illness, yeah, someone – what-what-what are they messin’ with?
Steve: It’s, probably a bit too detailed to go into there, really, but uh,
Karl: Do you know ‘ I mean?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: There’s good and bad. You can’t have it all.
Steve: Ying and yang, is what you’re saying.
Karl: Yep.
Steve: Ok, Karl, I can’t argue with that, mate.
Ricky: Um, I want to play a track now that uh, I haven’t heard for awhile. It’s the Verve, innit. Sonnet. Lovely song.
Steve: Coming soon – those big exam results.
Song:The Verve - Sonnet
Song:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
What Do You Mean, Register?
Ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love, it’s time to give Karl – you’re actually nervous, aren’t you – I’m a little bit nervous, uh, just to recap, Karl, is 30 this year, he never went to get his results, of his GCSEs. So, myself and Steve, took it upon ourself to phone his school, track them down, and we actually got your results. What did you think you took?
Karl: Ahh, did English.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Uh, Maths.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Art.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Uh, and I think I did Physics.
Ricky: Ok. Well, you didn’t do any of them.
Karl: Eh?
Ricky: You didn’t do any of them. You didn’t register. You registered for one exam and took one exam, and got results for one exam. So I don’t know what you thought you were turning up to, or you weren’t registered, or you didn’t –
Steve: You’re familiar with the notion of registering, for an exam. You have to kind of officially register in order to be eligible.
Karl: What do you mean, register? I turned up, for a couple,
Steve: Yeah, you can’t just show up. You have to register for them.
Ricky: You have to – to pay. ‘Cause it costs the school money, so they would have to have paid for you, if they thought you were gonna pass. You can’t just turn up on the day and ask to pay for at the front.
Karl: I never got a letter tellin’ me that.
Steve: Well that’s ‘cause you were never at school.
Ricky: But you did somehow register or registered for one exam. You registered, for History.
Steve: It’s a topic that you’ve, always been interested in.
Karl: I was sayin’ to Ricky before, uh, World War II – I loved it,
Steve: Not – I mean, not the actual event – the study of it, you mean.
Karl: No, just all the stuff, like you know, about the Anderson shelters, and stuff like that, bombs and that, and um, and then when I took it, it had nothing to do with that. It was more about the Tudors.
Steve: So it didn’t – the 2nd World War didn’t come up. You mean there were no questions about the Anderson shelters?
Karl: Nothing.
Steve: That’s devastating.
Karl: So,
Steve: So what are you expecting the result to be?
Karl: Is that, seriously, is that it?
Ricky: Yep. It’s the only one you took and registered for.
Steve: As far as the school is concerned,
Ricky: It’s the only one that counts, it’s the only result, it’s the only one that counts.
Karl: I don’t – did you register, for yours?
Ricky laughs
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: I have – yeah, I got certificates and everything.
Karl: So what, do you do that before the exam, you have to go somewhere, and sign something, or,
Ricky: Yeah, you don’t check your results and then decide if you want to register. It not like Millionaire, when you look at the question and go, I think I’ll take the money.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky laughs
Steve: But anyway, you must’ve registered for one, or maybe your teacher put it in,
Karl: Well I didn’t do it!
Ricky: They must be confident. They must’ve been confident, they must’ve thought your best bet was History.
Karl: Right, so …what did I get.
Ricky: Um, you got an E. Which is – which, I think, I mean, technically, is a pass.
Karl: E?
Ricky: It’s a bad pass. But there’s F, and then there’s U –
Steve: You’re not gonna be doin’ a PhD,
Ricky: You can get an F, right, which is Fail, and then a U, which is Ungraded. Now I don’t know why the U exists, right, ‘cause F means you failed. U is like them going You not only failed, but you wasted my time.
Ricky and Steve laugh
Ricky: We’re annoyed, that you took this exam.
Karl: So they thought they’d register me to get an E.
Ricky laughs
Steve: Well they didn’t – I think they were hoping – it was rather like you with the lottery. They were hoping for something better than, nothing.
Ricky: You see, I assumed that the man who registered for that thought, He can scrape an E if Anderson shelters come up.
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: God…
Ricky: Well, that’s it. You’ve got, you’ve got. Now, what I’d like to do, Karl, is, I’ve started your reeducation, you’ve read a book on Rasputin, I’ll be askin’ you a few questions about that later, I’ve got another book for you to read next week. Next week, I’ve got a little –
Karl: I’m not in the mood.
Ricky: What?
Karl: Not in the mood.
Ricky: Oh, come on! Look – what’s that? What does that say?
Karl: It’s that fella, it’s that picture of the bloke they used to use for Citizen Smith.
Ricky: Yeah, Che Guevara.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. Uh, he was quite happy, I think, when he found out that Robert Lindsay was involved. He went, Yeah, ‘course you can. No worries. No worries, yeah.
Steve: What are your feelings, Karl, what do you think.
Ricky: Are you depressed?
Karl: I’m just a bit annoyed, ‘cause I’m sure I turned up for more, so it just wasted me time.
Ricky: Listen – they don’t matter –
Karl: I’m sure I did more,
Ricky: You’re doing very well, you know you can educate yourself, GCSEs are merely a step in order to help you, not just your education, but, you know, they’re more vocational than anything else. You’re doing very well, and you’re reading books. Don’t worry about it.
Steve: It’s not a concern.
Ricky: But if you want, if you want, I’ll pay for you to take History again.
Steve: Karl, we’d love to see you get, a C or above, and we’re willing to –
Ricky: I’ll pay for you, all right, and I’ll get you some books, right? Now listen – listen – um, we could, look, look, let’s get – I reckon, when are they exams, June?
Steve: Something like that, yeah.
Ricky: We’ll register – we’ll try and register you next week, and I reckon you can get an A or B.
Steve: In History.
Karl: I’m busy, I’m busy.
Ricky: No, don’t worry about it, it’s just easy. I’ll get you Brodie’s Notes. If Heat – Heat Magazine, they, they, they, they love you, Karl. They can prob’ly sort summat out. They can prob’ly pay for a tutor. They got a lot of money, they sell a lot of magazines.
Steve: I mean, it is always, almost always, and you found that out, I discovered this, it’s always the Tudors and Stuarts. There’s no fear for them not coming up. Now what do you already know about them? You must know stuff about Henry the 8th, and Elizabeth.
Karl: No, ‘cause, it’s just, it’s too long ago to even get interested in. Do y’know’I mean? You can’t get into it –
Ricky: Is that why you didn’t –
Karl: The Anderson thing, it was like, God, you know, me mam and dad were in Anderson shelter, this is interesting. Me granddad would’ve like, had something to do with this. But the Tudors – it’s like, I don’t even know if I had a family back then.
Ricky explodes with laughter
Ricky: Play a record! Can we come back to this? Sorry – Steve – sorry -
Steve: No, hang on – hang on – no, I just, ‘cause I need to introduce my, the new feature, for –
Ricky: Yeah. ‘I don’t know if I had a family back then’. You’re a genius, Karl.
Steve: Karl, let me just ask you now – right, if you can finish this sentence, we’ve got a chance. “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced Beheaded – “
Karl: Died. What is it?
Steve: We just need to do a little bit o’ work. But otherwise I think you’re gonna be fine. It’s how you remember what happened to Henry the 8th’s wives.
Ricky: They’re little –
Steve: “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded – “
Karl: Uh,
Ricky: It’s like “SPAM” – support, what’s it, support, protection, anchorage, movement. That’s how it –
Steve: You’re gonna con- that’s nothing to do with the Tudors and Stuarts.
Ricky: No, it has to do with the skeleton.
Steve: Yeah, no, see, we’re not doin’ Biology.
Ricky: Mnemonics and acronymns, and,
Steve: What happened to Henry the 8th’s last wife. Did she die, or did she not die? “Divorced, Beheaded Died. Divorced, Beheaded –“
Karl: Do you know that, the only king that has got a mustache, is - no. The only king that hasn’t got a mustache is the King of Hearts, on the playing cards.
Ricky: What’s the record you want to play?
Steve: Um, I want to resurrect the career of a different artist each week, this is
Karl: It’s a red card.
Steve: This is Aimee Mann, and, she always seems to get overlooked,
Ricky: Well that’s got one eye.
Steve: I think it’s called Red Vines. Play it, Karl.
Song:Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Divorced, Beheaded, Died
Ricky: Fantastic.
Steve: You see, what upsets me is the way that, Aimee Mann, she’s written songs as good as that, it’s released as a single, she had to I think put the album from which that’s taken out by herself, over the internet, she was Oscar-nominated, for songs in the film Magnolia, she couldn’t get a record label, I don’t know if she’s not got one, and yet there’s people like Alanis Morissette, shifting –
Ricky: That is absolutely beautiful.
Steve: - shedloads of songs. I don’t understand what the rules are, I don’t understand why she’s not a household name.
Ricky: Karl, when there’s beautiful things like that in the world, why do you care about a poxy GCSE.
Karl: Well, what did she get for History?
Ricky laughs
Steve: What did she get for History?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: I think she did very poorly.
Ricky: Why do you care. See, I was just gonna say – this has backfired a little bit, ‘cause Karl is genuinely, I don’t know if he is actually upset, or embarrassed, but it doesn’t matter. It – why does it matter. You were 15 and didn’t go to school.
Karl: If you were me friends, I think you would’ve just said, Oh, we can’t find them.
Ricky: Why?
Steve: But you wanted to know!
Karl: What am I meant to do with that?
Ricky: Well, what do you mean? What do you mean. It’s ridiculous! Do it again ‘cause you want to learn, ‘cause it’s like – there’s great things in the world, to learn about. Don’t worry – GCSE is vocational, it’s, you know, vocationally, for 15 – 16 year olds to go on to do A levels or whatever, or to get results, but you don’t, you don’t, you don’t need that, ‘cause you’ve done very well, um, you don’t care about the Tudors and Stuarts, I mean, you know.
Karl: I mean, I’ve had a coupla jobs, not this one, ‘cause you don’t need qualifications to get a job –
Ricky: Obviously.
Steve: In the radio. Yeah.
Ricky: Obviously, right.
Karl: But ones I have got, in the past, I did, because I didn’t collect ‘em, I had to lie. And I didn’t, I didn’t, like, go mad, I didn’t say I had As and stuff, but I think – I mean, I didn’t put History down, ‘cause I didn’t know I did it.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: So it’s a bonus!
Karl: I kinda treated meself to like a D, and a coupla Cs and that, but it’s like, it’s not -
Steve: I love the fact that Karl even then was honourable. It’s like, I’ll at least put down the ones I think I took, and lie, but the ones I didn’t take, I won’t lie about.
Ricky: Yeah – yeah, and done yourself a B. If you’re gonna lie, give yourself a B next time, Karl.
Karl: Well, it could backfire, could’it. I mean, me brother’s a bit mental, and he used to do things like go for jobs and say, Oh, yeah, I’ve done this before. Like bein’ a mechanic, and he’s never even picked up a spanner.
Ricky laughs
Karl: And yet, he’d have the confidence to go and try ‘em fix cars. Where I’m not that daft, but, God, an E.
Steve: Who do you blame, for this.
Karl: That’s just an easy way out. I have to blame meself, don’t I.
Ricky: Yep.
Steve: What was the teacher like.
Karl: Well, there’s loads of different ones, I didn’t like - I mean the History teacher, she, it is me own fault, because with her, she’s a bit mental. And I used to kinda stop the lesson by saying, Oh, Miss, tell us about your fireplace you’ve got that is made from a gravestone.
Ricky: That would make any History teacher in her tracks!
Karl: No, but, and she loved tellin’ you about it, ‘cause it was like,
Ricky: I learned that from a teacher too.
Karl: So that’s why I didn’t know about “divorce, head loss,” and all that,
Ricky: “dandruff, legs”. “Horse, head loss, dandruff, legs”.
Steve: Remember now: “Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived”. That’s all you gotta remember.
Karl: And - and what’s that.
Steve: That’s what happened to Henry the 8th’s various wives.
Ricky: In order.
Steve: In order.
Karl: What does it spell out.
Ricky: No, it doesn’t spell –
Steve: It doesn’t spell anything, you’ve just got to remember the rhythm.
Ricky: It – it – in order in which he married.
Karl: Yeah, but it helps. It’s like when me mum taught me the alphabet, she taught me as like a song.
Ricky begins to sing the Alphabet Song
Karl: Yeah – no, not like that. That’s how everyone else could do it and I couldn’t do it that way.
Ricky: Why.
Steve: What tune did she do it to?
Karl: It was, uh,
Karl sings Mrs P’s Alphabet Song
Song:Dandy Warhols - Get Off
Educating Karl
Ricky: Dandy Warhols, Get Off. On Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant,
Steve: Hello!
Ricky: It’s 5 past 2 on the day that Karl, our producer, found out that he had an E in History GCSE, and nothing else, ‘cause he didn’t actually register. I can’t believe he registered for that. I don’t know –
Karl: I didn’t –
Ricky: Someone else put you in. No, they can’t have put you in, ‘cause you were away. They prob’ly said, Oh, he didn’t register and that. Listen. Obviously, you feel a little bit melancholy, ‘cause it’s like you’re hearin’ it for the first time, so it’s like you’re 16 again. But, it was to be expected, but listen, it doesn’t matter –
Karl: It doesn’t. It doesn’t.
Ricky: It actually doesn’t matter, but listen. But listen. Take it again. Take it again. Is there – is there a history teacher, listening. Um, what’s the number. 07 - 08 700 800 123.
Karl: 4.
Ricky: If they can tell us the syllabus this year –
Karl: What’s that number again.
Ricky: What is it? Sorry, what is it?
Karl: 08 700 –
Ricky: I – and I got, I’ve got Maths!
Karl: Aw.
Ricky: 08 700 800 1234. Mine’s more laziness, that I couldn’t be bothered to say that last digit.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Really. I’d done the, but most of the words,
Steve: Rick, let’s not – if we get on to your problems,
Ricky laughs
Steve: Then we’re gonna be - it’s a whole other show.
Karl: It doesn’t matter, really, ‘cause like you say, right, I’ve done all right for meself,
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It’s that, it’s that whole thing of like, uh, when you get older, if you find out that your dad’s not your dad, it’s like it doesn’t matter, he was a dad to me.
Ricky: Absolutely.
Karl: D’y’know’I mean.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Absolutely.
Karl: So,
Ricky: Are you – are you saying Mr Nuttle wasn’t your real teacher.
Steve gives a mild laugh
Steve: Give out the number again, Rick? What we after?
Ricky: Uh, 08 700 800 1234. Is there a History teacher out there, that may know how we can – is he too late to register this time,
Steve: What’s the syllabus this year,
Ricky: Do we have to pay for it, and does he want to earn, like (whistles) 25 quid cash-in-hand, to give Karl a coupla lessons. I’ll stuff that up. Take it yeah, it’ll be great. Fantastic.
Karl: I prob’ly won’t want to do it though.
Ricky: We’ll film it.
Karl: It’s that thing of,
Ricky: It’ll be a documentary on Choice.
Ricky and Steve chuckle
Ricky: Heat Magazine will be right behind it. They’ll be - you know. Little clues – we could have a question and answer – little quizzes. Know’I mean?
Steve: Rick, before we play the next record, I just been looking through the Xfm Gig Guide, and I just want to let you know that at Spitz this evening, Commercial Street, E1, doors open at 8 o’clock, Gut Bucket are playing. So - no, but just, I know a lot of listeners will probably want to know that. So I don’t want anyone to miss out on the Gut Bucket gig at Spitz tonight, Commercial Street, E1.
Ricky: That’s a good plug for the uh, the Gut Bucket boys. Uh –
Steve: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage –
Ricky: Now, Steve just played one of the most beautiful records, I mean – so I’m gonna up the ante here, and I’m gonna play another Jimmy Webb track. I played it last week off Ten Easy Pieces, uh, last week, and I have played this track before, but a different version. You’ll know it obviously better by Glen Campbell, he wrote a lot of songs for Glen Campbell, and this is Galveston. And this is absolutely beautiful.
Song:Jimmy Webb - Galveston
Sort of an Old Version of Rocky
Ricky: Jimmy Webb there, and uh, Galveston. See, during that, Karl said, What’s this about? Didn’t ya. See, it’s these, things you’re interested in, see. If only you were that inquisitive when the Tudors and Stuarts came up. You’d have a C or B.
Karl: We didn’t do Stuarts.
Ricky: Didn’t ya?
Karl: It was just Tudors.
Ricky: Aw. They’re the worst, aren’t they. Stuarts, I’ve got a lot of time for, the Tudors can fff - you know ‘ I mean? Listen. Right. As you know, I lent Karl, as part of his education, his historical education, I lent Karl, um, Gladiator, the movie, on DVD, which he watched on his Playstation 2, and uh, Rasputin,
Karl: Did you know last week, when you gave me this, did you know my result for History.
Ricky: No.
Karl: That’s weird, innit.
Ricky: Yep. Now, uh, right, Ok, it’s the film review. Karl, tell us from the heart, tell us what you thought of the film,
Steve: Can I just ask, is this the first time you’d seen Gladiator. You’d never seen it before.
Karl: No.
Steve: Ok. And what were your thoughts?
Ricky: Ok. The Film Review. Gladiator.
Ricky makes sound effect noises
Karl: Um, it’s all right. Noth- nothing great. It’s like, it’s like an old, sort of an old version of Rocky, done in the olden days, really.
Steve: Right ..
Karl: But in the old bloke, fighting other people,
Steve: Sure.
Karl: How – how sort of well-known is this story? Do you reckon people know the basics.
Ricky: Well just - just quickly do the plot.
Karl: All right, quickly. There’s a guy called Max. Um,
Ricky: Maxiumus, yeah.
Karl: Yeahp. There’s Caesar, and there’s Caesar’s kid. And, uh, Max goes to war, sorta wings it, comes back, uh, Caesar says, You’re good at what you do. I wish me son was as good as you, uh, so I want you to be in charge when I die, his kid finds out, bit annoyed about it, kills his dad, because he didn’t want anyone to hear that he said he wants him to be in charge,
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So, his kid gets in charge and thinks, I’ll show ya. You’re not gonna be king, I am, you’re gonna be a slave or something. And, the next thing you see is –
Steve: My – sorry - can I just stop you there – my only concern is the film is 3 hours long.
Ricky laughs
Steve: So, maybe you shouldn’t go through the whole plot.
Ricky: We’ve done the first 10 minutes. But, go on. So yeah, he’s a slave, and then,
Karl: But then, that was an interesting bit that I thought, right, I mean, I was watching this with the girlfriend and she was already annoyed ‘cause she wanted to watch Friends on E4.
Steve and Karl laugh
Karl: So, so,
Steve: It was a good episode as well, this week.
Karl: Was it. Don’t tell her that!
Steve: Ok.
Karl: So um, so she was annoyed and she said, Come on then, put it on. And I got it wrong straight away, ‘cause it says on the back, 149, so I thought that was an hour and 49 minutes, turns out it was 149, no, I thought it was 1 hour 49,
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But it was 149 minutes.
Ricky: Sure.
Karl: So it – it overran, anyway.
Ricky: By 40 minutes.
Karl: Yeah. So, anyway, the interesting bit was when he was goin’ across the desert on a horse. And I think to show you how long he’d been goin’ across the desert on his ‘orse, they show you the horse’s knees and they were bleeding, and I just wonder if that’s what ‘orses do if they run for a long time. Do you know?
Ricky: I don’t.
Karl: All right, so anyway, so he goes on, keeps going on like this, um, he’s a slave, and then, he has a fight at the end with, the - Caesar’s kid, and he kills him. And … that’s how it ended.
Ricky: Ok. Good. What did you think of it, just generally, what, what bits, what do you think was wrong with it.
Karl: Right. Well, I’ve read up on it, and there’s already a fact that is wrong.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Max, no – Caesar’s kid, he didn’t actually kill his dad, his dad died of a natural death,
Steve: Right. In real life you know.
Karl: Yeah. And, u, what’s, what’s Caesar’s kid’s name – Comedian, something.
Steve: I think it’s Comedian. That’s where the name comes from, a funny person is called a comedian –
Karl: He didn’t actually get killed in real life by Max,
Steve: No.
Karl: He died by his sister, poisonin’ him, and um, and he didn’t die – nonono
Ricky: Are you saying, are you saying that this is not a historical document?
Karl: It’s – it’s wrong.
Steve: All over the place.
Ricky: Well next week we’re gonna do Braveheart, and that is actually true. That is, that is factually accurate,
Karl: No, I can’t handle it.
Ricky: No, it is, it is. It was a little Australian fella that helped them out.
Karl: Just the people who watched it,
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: They know that they, they um, the um, the guy, Caesar’s kid, he died, uh, his sister tried to poison him, that didn’t work. Apparently he was a gay fella.
Ricky sniggers
Karl: And, his boyfriend who was a wrestler strangled him.
Steve: Where did you get this information?
Karl: On the internet. I thought I’d look it up to see how much of it I actually got right.
Steve: Yes.
Karl: And, that’s what I read.
Ricky: Ok, so uh, out of 10?
Karl: (Exhales) 5.
Ricky: Really.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Ok!
Karl: It’s not good. I wouldn’t – I wouldn’t get it out. I want – it’s annoying the way it says like, this film has got to be seen at the cinema, ‘cause, I saw it at home and I don’t think I missed out on anything.
Ricky: Very good point. I think that’s, probably the point they’re making, but, yours is – yours is valid, too. Well, play a record and after that I’m gonna ask you about Rasputin. The Mad Monk.
Song:Travis - Sing
Rasputin, Rapunzel, and the Three Billy Goats Gruff
transcription here
Song:Sugababes - Are Freaks Electric
It Was a Skittle
transcription here
Song:Spearhead - People in Tha Middle
She Wanted Me
transcription here
Song - ?
end