10 January 2004/Transcript

(Work in Progress)

The Property Market

Song: Snow Patrol - Run

Ricky: Snow Patrol, and Run, on Xfm, 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me - Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington...

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: ...so that's 3 for 1, I dunno... alright?

Steve: Exciting, exciting.

Ricky: Um.... News, news news news. Er... breaking news: is there's only two more weeks of us before we have to go away, on a little extended break again. So, erm, can't give you any more details yet, we don't know when we can come back because, er, we don't know - what we're doing, um, we're going to America, for the Golden Globes, then we're going to watch The Office pilot being filmed. And then, we've got bits... I'm doing a bit of a tour, so it'll be sort of the summertime, probably.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um... I-I'm saying it like they care.

Steve: I don't think they give a damn.

Ricky: I sometimes think that because... erm... You think, er you don't want to let down the people, you want to keep it consistent, you want to give give something back, but really I know I like doing this more than anyone listening.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Definitely, definitely.

Ricky: I love coming in, I love squeezing Karl's head.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love playing some records... y'know, I like sitting in a room with you - I know you love it!

Steve: Oh....

Ricky: Haha! He can't wait...

Steve: I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing on a Saturday.

Ricky: Yeah. So, er, we've got our Saturdays back though.

Steve: Yeah, that'll be great.

Ricky: I mean, my alarm went off today, and I was a bit tired because we we had a couple of drinks last night, didn't we?

Steve: We had a couple of drinks last night, yeah.

Ricky: We.. party, we're party animals. Um, but erm, oh, I've been looking for an office this week....

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: ...as you know. And it's so stressful...

Steve sighs

Ricky: ....just walking round, just talking to... agents and, er... right, OK. So - my method is this right: I walk the area that I want to be in an office in, because I don't want to hear anything else, I don't want to... you know what I mean? So I walk round, it, er, to be fair it is about a square 500 yards...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right, it's sort of like...

Steve: Your house is in the centre.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah... And so I walk round looking at placards, so I go "That's a nice office", and I phone 'em up, there's loads of different people I've been dealing with, right? And he went "Oh, we've got one in so-and-so street", I think it was Frith Street or summat, right, I went "Oh yeah", I went along to there and said I'll see you there in twenty minutes. I got there - you were there, do you remember?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I looked round, and I said to Steve "It looks alright, there's no... no porn shops or anything like that", right, and Steve went, "Well, it is next to a brothel", and I looked, and there on the next thing, like y'know "Model: First Floor", er, "Suzie", and I phoned them up and I said "Do you know what? Erm.. don't bother coming in", I said "No, because it's next to a brothel". He went "Yep." I went "Erm, right, OK. Just for future reference: I don't want an office literally next to a brothel...".

Steve laughs

Ricky: "...Right? When I go to work, I don't want to walk past prostitutes." Call me old-fashioned, right...

Steve: As you're going into work, there's a prostitute. "Morning", "Morning".

Ricky: "Morning". "Morning. Uhhhhh. Just got a cappuccino?". "Yeah, Starbucks, yeah. Er, business good?". "Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment, but it picks up later this evening". "Does it really? Good". And, er, I said to him - I've got so... my new year's resolution is being like a little fascist when it comes to business. And I said, er... "Also for future reference, erm, no crack dens, and no wild animals in the porch". And er, I just can't believe it. There's always something wrong - we went to one, right, we got there right, and, er the woman said "I'm newish", she didn't know what keys she was using, and she went "It's the third floor", and she went "No point, we won't both get in the lift." I went "Right. Will you get a desk in the lift?, right, she went "I've got a chair in the lift before".

Steve laughs

Ricky: Brilliant. So... just find me an office, Rathbone Place, sort of Percy Street, Charlotte Street, Dean Street....

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yep. First or second floor.

Steve: I'm worried we're going to get emails from estate agents, phone calls from 'em, you know what those people are like....

Ricky: But I don't look at the emails.

Steve: True. Fair enough.

Ricky: So... play a record.

Negotiation

Song: Joe Jackson - It's Different for Girls

Joe Jackson: <singing> ... You're all the same...

Ricky: Sexist!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Joe Jackson, Different for Girls.

Steve: That's why he's not in the charts anymore.

Ricky: I can't believe it.

Steve: Unbelievable.

Ricky: Erm...

Steve: You were talking about buying an office, I'm a little bit intimidated at the moment because I'm in the process of buying a flat, because I'm tired of just pissing money down the drain.

Ricky: I know. Go on...

Steve: And um... er... I'm just, I'm really petrified, I've put it off and put it off because I just, I'm really gullible. I just, when I'm confronted with anyone in a suit who sort of knows what they're talking about. They can sell me anything, I'm intimidated, it's like, you know you're supposed do go in there and act like you're the guy with the money, you're the - this is what I want this is what I nah nah nah. But I go there and it's like I'm afraid they're going to say "Clear off. I don't want to - I don't want to sell you a house. I'm not interested".

Ricky: Yeah. Have you ever like, really thought of like, putting on some sort of cool air, like erm, sort like kicking in the door and going "What wood's that?".

Steve laughs

Ricky: He'd be found out in thirty seconds, wouldn't you? You'd go in there and you'd stub your toe, and they'd go "What'd you kick that for?", "I've hurt my toe, I've hurt my toe".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Just tapping the walls...

Ricky: Yeah, tapping the wall. "What's the, er, what's the rates like?", <immediate> "What Rates?", "I don't... know".

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, this is - I don't know if I told you before, I went to by a laptop computer...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: ...an everyone said "Go up Tottenham Court Road", and I reading in magazines and stuff, and they were saying "Haggle, make sure you haggle, you've got to - you're planning to haggle, get the best deal you can". And I found a shop which was selling the computer I wanted, and I went in there, and I had this whole plan in my mind of what was going to happen, he was going to say like "It's worth this", I'm going to go "Well look, I can get it cheaper here, I want to buy it from you, I'm going to haggle, da-da-da-da-da", and off I went. So I went in the shop, and I said "Yeah, I'm looking for this, interested in this Toshiba, how much is it?", he went "Oh, it's 1500 quid", I went "Sure, sure". OK, I said "I'll give you 1300", he went "It's 1500", and I said "Sure, but I'm willing to give you the 1300", he went "1500.", and I was... I was done, already <Ricky has started laughing at this point>, because he hadn't even begun to haggle. And I was assuming he'd at least go "1400", and we could start, but nothing. So now I was screwed, my whole plan went out the window.

Ricky: What did you do, just leave?

Steve: Well, no, I said to him "The thing is, I can get this computer cheaper down the road, but, y'know, I like what you're providing here, I like the service, I've had good... I've heard good stuff about you...".

Ricky: I don't...

Steve: I said "I've heard good stuff about you", and I went, I said, er "Seriously, I can buy it for cheaper if I walk down the street, for 1400", and he went "Well... see you later then". And I was like "Right...", so I walked out the place, I said "Well I'm going to have to leave then", and I walked out the place and, erm, of course I wanted to get it from there, because it was still the cheapest, so I had to walk back in again! I went "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Um... I've um, I've just had some second thoughts, listen, I tell you what, I'll pay the 1500, can I get a free carry-case?", he went "The carry-case is free anyway", I said "I'll take it".

Ricky laughs

Ricky: "The carry-case is free anyway"!

Steve: I got nothing.

Ricky: "No, but how much would you charge for the carry-case, like, if it was on sale?", "The carry-case? A tenner?", "Well let's just say it is a tenner, give it to me for free", and he went "No, it's a tenner", and you went "Well you said it was free a minute ago!"

Steve: Yeah. It was just pathetic...

Ricky: That's lovely.

Steve: ...absolutely pathetic. It's the having to walk out making a big statement, and then come back in again.

Ricky: Oh... Oh dear.

Steve: And... so, I, I just, I'm really scared, I feel like I need someone to come with me and do all the talking, you know, know what they're talking about, because I don't... I'm not going to be able to tell if there's subsidence, of if there's damp, or...

Ricky: No, but you don't do that...

Steve: I didn't realise, is that not my responsibility?

Ricky: No, you get a survey done.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And they charge for that, and then the... you don't have to go round doing it yourself.

Steve: Right. Could I make a saving if I did it myself?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, "This should be alright", "There's a hole in the wall Steve", "Yeah... but what's a hole in the wall...?"

Steve: Just put some newspaper over that...

Ricky: "...In Chaucer's day that was the toilet...".

Steve laughs

Ricky: "...that'll be fine". Karl, you're a second time buyer, aren't you, you bought...

Karl: Yeah yeah yeah. Bought one in Manchester...

Steve: Yeah..

Karl: ....lost seven grand on that one.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, don't buy in Manchester.

Karl: No, it's a good flat, it's just there wasn't... I didn't buy it to sort of make money, I thought I was going to be living there, like, all me life....

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: ...and then a job came up here, and it was like "Oh...".

Ricky: You bought your first flat in Manchester, you assumed you would be living there for the rest of your life?

Karl: Well I wasn't in a rush...

Ricky: Play a record, you're an idiot.

Steve: Hang on a minute, I, so you've got a property portfolio? Have you got the two houses now?

Karl: No, no, I've got rid of that one.

Steve: Oh, you sold that one...

Karl: Got this flat...

Steve: ...at at seven thousand pound loss.

Karl: Tell you something that is interesting...

Ricky: Hold on though...

Karl: What?

Ricky: Seven thousand pound lost?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: It... a flat in Manchester. But it could only have cost eight grand anyway.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right, Steve, something you - they do now, right, they've got to do by law when you're buying, right. I was looking at one, in London, right. Erm, it's haunted, they've got to tell you now.

Ricky: Right. Don't. Talk. Shit.

Karl: I'm telling you now...

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: I'm telling you now...

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. There's no such thing as ghosts. That... if that... that is ridiculous if it appears on a legal document.

Karl: Right. If there's anyone who sells flats and that, does that for a living.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Right. Email in...

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: ...because, I'm telling you now, that, that is a fact. She sort of dropped it in, I said "Oh, nice feel here", she said "Yeah, well that'll be the ghost", just dropped it in, that's all they've got to do. And then I was like "What?", and they went, er...

Ricky: That's all they've got to do is it? So that's the legal thing. "Did you drop it in?", so in court, you go "Did you drop it in?", "Yeah, I dropped it in". Play a record, you're an idiot.

Steve laughs

Song: David Gray - This Year's Love

Emails

Ricky: <DJ Voice> That's David Gray and This Year's Love, if you're in love, I hope it lasts, it's only January.

Steve laughs

Steve: Excellent.

Ricky: Err.... What've you got? What've you got for us, Steve?

Steve: I just thought we ought to go through some of the emails. I mean I don't want to query the calibre of some of the emails we get sent on this show, but erm, he's a typical one Rick...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Um, there's no name, it's just from Glicko, that's his email address, now, it's just a question to you Rick: "Did I see you walking around Marylebone High Street last Sunday?"

Ricky: Yes.

Steve: OK....

Ricky: Well I don't know....

Steve: Well, I mean....

Ricky: ...I mean I was in Marylebone High Street, last Sunday, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, but did you see Glicko?

Ricky: I didn't see Glicks...

Steve: OK....

Ricky: ...I didn't see the Glickster, erm, but er...

Steve: Alright, this one's from Em: "Ricky, what do you think of Richard Bacon's show? I can't decide if he's better than you".

Ricky: Er, nor can I.

Steve: Any thoughts?

Ricky: Nor can I. I can't help her out on that one....

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: That really.... That's a really personal thing, she's got to dig deep, she's got to look at both of us, she's got to find out what she likes...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...and then... whether I provide more of that than Bacers...

Steve laughs

Ricky: ...er, I mean, y'know, Bacofoil's brilliant...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ....I'm not going to put myself up against him, so er, I can't help you. Next, Steve, next.

Steve: Well, there was, there's lot of emails last week, er, which were saying how much the enjoyed the Christmas specials, thank you very much for that, that's very flattering of you.

Ricky: Cheers.

Steve: There was also a couple - Ha! - there's one, it was a guy, I'm sorry, I might have deleted it, but argh, I should have sent a reply, because it was a guy from Canada, saying "Is there any chance you're around in March, whether you could pop in and have a surprise birthday dinner for his wife.

Ricky: Oh. Why didn't you keep quiet!

Steve: I know, I'm sorry.

Ricky: I can't bloody go now, can I, you idiot!

Steve laughs

Ricky: OK.

Steve: So erm, I, y'know, I don't erm... I really apologise for that...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: ...erm, there's also, this is interesting, this is more for Karl, really, um it seems unlikely because...

Ricky: Is it from a Doctor saying "You're an idiot"?

Steve: Um, we've got plenty of those, I tend to delete them...

Ricky: OK.

Steve: ...because they're so common. Um...

Ricky: Right. Yeah yeah yeah. <laughs> Look at his face!

Steve: No, it just says, er, y'know, don't like to complain, but I won the film competition about five or six weeks ago, and I haven't received my prizes.

Ricky: Ooooh... dear, that's all that Karl, that's all Karl has to do on this show...

Steve: That's what I was thinking.

Ricky: ...we provide the chat, the records, the light entertainment. I mean it's...

Steve: The glamour...

Ricky: ...shades of comedy genius. Um. All Karl has to do is send out the prizes and say "There was a monkey that was a bank robber" at five to three.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Karl!

Steve: What's your excuse, Karl?

Karl: Erm... do you remember her winning? I've got all of, I've got all...

Ricky: Are you calling her a liar?

Karl: Well, I am, because I don't remember ever seeing that address.

Ricky: Right. He's calling her a liar.

Steve: So, Joanne Ogden, you're claiming, is just making this up, she sent this in on a whim, trying to fool us, and get some cheap tat.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: I don't believe that. I don't believe anyone would lie to try and get Knowing Me, Knowing You on VHS. I really don't.

Karl: Well, I'll look in the records, because we keep all the details, so... d'you know what I mean?

Steve laughs

Steve: Right. Well, one of you's in the wrong, and you know what, knowing you Karl, I don't think it's Joanne.

Ricky: No...

Karl: Has anyone else ever emailed in saying that haven't got the, er...

Steve: Loads of times.

Karl: ...bag of crap? No, they haven't, they haven't.

Steve: Well they have...

Ricky: One mistake's one to far, because that's one person... to them... you might send out thirty, but that one person, that's the first time they've won a competition, they, they... want "The History of Wind"...

Steve laughs

Ricky: ....narrated by Donal McIntyre, on VHS...

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: ...and, y'know...

Steve: Stephen King's It....

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...on Betamax.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Now, sometimes they want the best of Primal Scream on... cassette.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So... got to make...

Steve: ...sure you're sending this prizes out.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Final email from Andy, he says, erm, "The webcam, er, is pointing at the ceiling, is it because the air conditioning vent is more exciting than what happens on the show?"

Ricky: Let's put that down now...

Steve: I think that's absolutely right.

Ricky: I'm putting that down now, hold on wait a minute. Erm, just er, if someone... is that good?

Steve: People love the webcam, I don't know what they're interested in because all they'll get is a picture of Karl's big head.

Ricky: It's not that big, it's just round.

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Get it right.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um... Karl, I'd like you to play the next tune. Erm, I got sent a little cheeky, erm, primer for The Cure's Join the Dots, it's B-sides and rarities...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...lots of stuff from them, all over the ages. And, it's amazing how how good their B-sides are, here's one of them playing.

Ricky: Yeyeyeyeye.

Steve laughs

Song: The Cure - A Man Inside My Mouth

Bond

Steve: The Cure. And that's called 'A Man Inside My Mouth', which was the B-side to 'Close to Me'. There's nothing amusing about that Rick, so I don't know why you're laughing...

Ricky: Well..

Steve: ...it's called A Man Inside My Mouth...

Ricky: Yeah I know.

Steve: ...and that's fine

Ricky: Yeah. It's like, y'know, it's like, y'know, the little a man inside your head.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Man Inside Your Mouth

Steve: If a man wants to be in anyone's head, that's good, y'know, good luck to him.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What? There's nothing wrong with that.

Ricky: But I agree.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl, do you agree with that?

Karl: What man in your 'ead? What's that mean?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It's brilliant, innit.

Steve: Extraordinary. Look at his face.

Ricky: Doesn't even understand schoolboy Carry On innuendo...

Steve: Amazing.

Ricky: ...I love the fact that the play on words is too far for him. "What's he mean, 'unsightly erection'?"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "..What? What'd you mean, 'dumplings?' Uhh?"

Steve: You're a fan of The Simpsons...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...You know that character in The Simpsons, the um, 'Gap-Toothed Yokel'?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If I look at Karl when he's perplexed...

Ricky: Cletus.

Steve: Cletus.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: ...Especially when it's that, it's the cliched comic-book thing of having a mouth wide open....

Ricky laughs

Steve: ...to suggest gormlessness. "Unnnnhh". It's amazing.

Ricky: Or: an accomodating come-on.

Steve: Yes. Absolutely.

Ricky: Karl. Little man inside your head, it's what, people use it as your conscience, don't they.

Karl: I 'unno.

Ricky: Never heard that before?

Karl: No.

Ricky: No? OK.

Steve: I was, er, Rick, I was watching Moonraker, er, it was on, I think it was last week...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...um, I dunno how familiar you are with the James Bond films...

Ricky: I have never - I don't think I've ever watched a Bond film from beginning to end.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I've never watched them on DVD, and I've never gone to the cinema to watch one. And, I-I'm not usually in on Easter Saturday...

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...um... I-I-I... honestly.

Steve: The thing about James Bond is when I was younger, I thought he was amazing, I just thought he was the ultimate cool, sophisticated hero, d'you know what I mean. My dream was a kid - like, when I say a kid, I mean a teenager, was to come home - which invariably he did, he'd come back to his hotel suite, he'd open the door, there'd be a trail of clothes. And he'd follow it and he'd go into the bedroom...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...and there'd be a beatiful woman in the bed.

Ricky: You'd have said "Clean up, love, come on what you doing?! You're messy!"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "I'm gonna get my mum to clean all this up now!"

Steve: "Mum!"

Ricky: "She's got a bad back!"

Steve: "There's a nudie lady in my bed!"

Ricky laughs

Incomplete Transcript: Time: 15:02