Karlology Blog Week 5
It's a special week, Karl makes an appearance on Something for the Weekend and writes about some Monkey News.
October 6th, 2008
Off Sick
I’ve seen myself more than normal the last few days due to Ricky continuously taking photos of me on his iPhone and then showing them to me. The elephant man would have not liked to have Ricky as a mate. I find I don’t look at myself as much these days. I put it down to the fact I have no hair to comb.
I haven’t done much today due to the fact Suzanne is off work with a cold. I can’t be doing with it when she is ill as I have to do a lot more in the house than normal. She has never forgiven me for the time I sent her to the supermarket to get the food in when she had a temperature. I said the freezers in the frozen food aisle would cool her down.
She said I have to sort tonight’s tea so we’re having takeaway as I’m sick of cooking at the moment. I made the toast this morning and had to cut up an onion yesterday on a cooking programme. (picture below)
The chef on the far right probably doesn’t look in the mirror much either.
October 7th, 2008
WHO DECIDES WHAT’S CLEVER
I watched University Challenge on the telly last night. I couldn’t answer any of the questions. I didn’t even come close. The contestants shouldn’t mess about going on that programme, they should go on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ as they’d find the questions a doddle and the prize is better.
It’s odd how there is snobbery when it comes to questions. People seem to be more impressed with someone who can name all the characters in Romeo and Juliet than they are with someone who can name all the landlords who have been in charge of the Rovers Return Pub in the TV soap Coronation Street. I think the information is equally as useless.
Same goes with Art. The shortlist for the Turner Prize was sorted out last week. Here’s a piece of work that was on show.
It looks like a display you’d see at a car boot sale, yet cos it’s done by an artist it gets more respect.
It’s not even an original concept. Ricky did something like it ages ago.
October 8th, 2008
Monkey news
I read Today that there’s a bar somewhere that has monkeys serving food and drinks. They do two hour shifts. Some people are up in arms about it. I bet the people up in arms are Australians who are annoyed that they are having their worked nicked from them.
I think it’s good that they are working. If they no longer live in their natural habitat they may as well be doing something useful. If I was a monkey I’d prefer working in a bar than being sat in a zoo. This is just evolution isn’t it?. It’s what happened to us. Millions of years ago we were collecting berries from trees and smacking stuff on the head and eating it, but look at us now, we’re working in offices and bars and stuff so I think it’s about time monkeys got working cos they’ve been around even longer than us.
I was told ages ago about a chimp that now smokes due to people giving it lit fags and it is now addicted to nicotine and people are now moaning saying it isn’t right. This seems a bit hypocritical to me. For years we’ve been giving them chimp tea parties and making them do tea bag adverts so it was only a matter of time before they started smoking as a lot of people like a fag after a cup of tea. Even more so after a busy two hours graft working behind a bar.
Here’s a programme about monkeys that I did the voiceover for.
October 9th, 2008
ALRIGHT ALIENS
Heard today that we’ve sent messages to a planet that is so far away that they will take twenty years to get there. (Must be using Royal Mail) The planet is supposed to be quite like ours and is called Planet Gliese 581C. 581C makes it sound like it’s a flat. If it gets delivered to 581B by mistake we won’t know until we get a message back in twenty years saying ‘Not known at this address’. They should have had a guess at a name or postcode cos if I get post that isn’t personally to me that just says ‘To the homeowner’ I don’t even open it as I know it’s junk mail, so if I lived on that planet I wouldn’t answer any of these incoming messages that we’ve sent. I don’t even answer the door if I’m not expecting anyone as I know it will just be someone hassling me.
We’ve sent 501 photos, drawings and text messages that they will receive in 2029. (images being sent below) It’s amazing that they have a satellite powerful enough to do this, yet I can’t pick up channel 5 on me telly.
Speaking of messages, I’m still getting your messages from the ‘Learn Me Something’ part of the blog:
“What I have learnt by Mike Black… Conjoined twins Abby and Brittany each have control of one arm and leg and are still able to drive a car.”
I’d like to know how much their car insurance is. I get charged loads more now just cos I’m an author, yet I bet these get insured for less and there’s TWO of them. Saying that, not much chance of them both nodding off while driving at the wheel I suppose.
October 10th, 2008
BIG FISH
Read in the paper today about a fella who has caught a massive fish in Spain.
It’s seeing images like this that make me think we can’t win when it comes to trying to control the sea levels. We put a ban on catching certain fish as we were worried that we would make some species extinct, which meant that there was more fish in the sea which meant sea levels went up due to all the fish in it. But if we do eat the fish, we’re making more room for the fish that are left to grow like the one above, so the levels still won’t drop That’s what happens. If there’s room we fill it. It’s human/fish nature. Look at me mate Ricky, when he had nothing years ago he was thin, now he can afford a bigger house with more room he’s expanded. I don’t know what happened with Steve. I’m guessing his mam and dads house had high ceilings.
I was also reading about how 47 million years ago whales walked on land. I doubt they would have been as big as they are now back then, it was when they got into the massive oceans (the World is 70% water) that they grew due to all the space they had. No one really knows why the the land whales decided to go into the sea. I put it down to the fact that there probably wasn’t much to do on land. When I was on holiday in Lanzarote I ended up spending more time in the sea due to the fact there was nowt interesting to see or do. Maybe the land whales were in Lanzarote. This would explain them getting in the sea. They were probably trying to drown themselves. I know how they felt.
Fish specialists are saying that Hippos are distant cousins of the whale. They think hippos are the whales that decided not to go in the sea. Hippos are like the fat people you see on holiday who like the idea of water but are too lazy to swim. They tend to just float about. There’s a lazy hippo called Jess who I think decided to try to evolve more like a human than a whale. Watch about it here.