21 December 2002/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 21 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Karl's in a Bad Mood Already
Ricky: ... dissin' all his- mum and everyone.
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah--
Ricky: At Christmas.
Steve: A little cussing in there which they've bleeped out, thankfully.
Ricky: Yeah. Karl's in a bad mood already. He's been in about 3 minutes and he's in a bad mood, gettin' stressed. If you can't hack it, leave! What's the matter with ya?
Karl: No. I'm just sayin' - it's been.... I was meant to enjoy last Saturday off and I didn't.
Ricky: Why not?! Why's that our fault cuz you weren't here?
Pause
Karl: Just cuz... I don't know but--
Steve Laughs
Steve: Are you not in the Christmas Spirit?
Ricky: Why didn't you enjoy last Saturday?
Steve: What- what did you do? Did y--
Karl: I went- right, I went all the way back- up north again, right, because, uhh, it was Suzanne's dad's birthday, right? I was busy last week, didn't have time to get him a present or anything.
Steve: (Scoffing Tone) Didn't have time to get him a present.
Karl: So I got to Heuston Station... bought a card for him, which was a Christmas card so he wasn't happy because he was saying, "It's me birthday", and I said, "Well, I won't be seeing you again so... I've got a joint card". And then we went out--
Ricky: Didn't you get him a present?
Karl: Well, no, because we went out on Saturday night for something to eat at this pub that he likes cuz it has nice steak and onion rings, right--
Ricky: Oooh lovely. Classey.
Karl: So, he should be happy anyway.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: But--
Steve: What, you paid for it?
Karl: No, no.
Steve: But he should've been happy anyway.
Karl: Suzanne paid for that because it is her dad.
Steve: Huh huh.
Karl: Right, not mine. So, I said, "What- what- what can I do?", I said to her. So, she said, "Just buy a few drinks or something". Anyway, I didn't get around to gettin' drinks because I didn't s--
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Can't believe it. Can't believe it.
Steve: "Didn't get a-"?! How can you not get around to gettin' the drinks?!
Ricky: Right.
Karl: No. Right, so I said, "Right, I'll pay for the cab"! Right.
Ricky: Ooh, what a lovely Christmas gift that is!
Steve: Yeah two pound-fifty.
Karl: So I paid- no--
Ricky: In Manchester it is.
Karl: It was like three quid there and three quid back.
Ricky: Oooh.
Steve: So six quid you spent on him.
Karl: Well, no, I spent more- see that's what he said, he said, "All--
Ricky: You can get to Bolton and back on that.
Karl: He said- he said, "All you've spent on me is six quid for my birthday", I said, "No I haven't cuz I gave the taxi driver a tip--
Ricky: I'm a little bit worried about his attitude as well! Cuz he--
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: I mean, that is a stingy present but you don't go- you don't say--
Steve: I mean, that's- I mean, let's be honest, that's the worst Christmas gift ever because, I mean, you're pretty bad like we've discussed in the past but at least you spent a bit of money.
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: It's just thoughtless.
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: This is nothing!
Ricky: I know.
Steve: You haven't given him any time, I mean I would--
Ricky: And- and I kne- and I knew my- my demographic. They loved it, my family.
Steve: Oh, yeah you- those scratch cards.
Ricky: They couldn't believe their luck, you know.
Karl: Well... a tenner.
Steve: You spent a tenner on him?
Karl: Well, the cab fare was six quid--
Ricky: But- but the thing is he doesn't- it's not- I don't think he's saying that. I think it's the fact that this is, like, you know, fritterin' away on their life--
Steve: Well it's kind of thoughtless isn't it?
Ricky: I'm sure he would have been appreciative of a lovely ten pound gift that you cared about and bought- a book- he probably likes "Fly Fishing" - doesn't he - by J.R. Hartley.
Karl: Ah, yeah...
Ricky: If you'd of bought that, he'd probably of gone, "That's what I was looking for."
Karl: Well...
Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "Aw ayy, what I w' looking for, Karl. AYYY, bloody hell Karl, you little bald twat, that's just what I wanted".
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Sooo... All right? So just calm down.
Steve: I just think- so what have you got planned for, eh- for Christmas? Is this what- I mean have you- have you speant- are you- are you doing the same price range--
Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "OOOh, Karl, you've paid me milk bill for this week!"
Steve Chuckles
Karl: Well...That's it.
Ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "That will reap nice!"
Karl: I'm spent this year. That's it.
Steve: So, have you planned anything for Suzanne or are you just gonna--
Karl: Yeah, I'm taking her out Christmas Day for something to eat.
Steve: All right.
Ricky: Well don't... does she know that? Is that--
Karl: She's working today so she d- she, you know...
Ricky: Right, okay.
Steve: So what Christmas gift have you got her?
Karl: That's it - I'm taking her out.
Steve: What, you haven't got- you haven't got a present?
Karl: No, because we speant a lot this year--
Ricky: Don't forget that's half yours, though. You're gonna be eating- you're not going to be- you're not just going to be sittin' there watching her eat going, "Oh, I'm hungry but I speant all-", you're gonna be eatin' as well. That's half yours.
Steve: So you've got- she's got nothing to unwrap?!
Ricky: Look at his face! He's looking at me like a cat who's been hit.
Steve: But wait a minute. She's got nothing to unwrap?! There's nothing- she's gonna hand something over to you- cuz I've met the woman, she will- she'll hand something over, you'll open it, you'll love it.
Karl: All right, I might get something today!
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Well it shouldn't take me to begrudgingly persuade you to do it.
Ricky: Ohhh God.
Karl: Yeh.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Right...
Karl: Right, so--
Steve: (Lampooning Karl's Response) AAH.
Ricky: YEAH, yeah, yeah, well we're gonna- I'm gonna try and stick in some, uh, Christmas songs. We're not playing all Christmas songs but I brought in a couple - "So This Is Christmas", John Lennon, uhh--
Steve: Yeah, one or two of the hits, yeah.
Ricky: "The River", Joni Mitchell, "Fairytale of New York" - one of the best Christmas songs ever. Ah, well, what about a bit of Pretenders, that's a good one, "2000 Miles".
Steve: Let's hear it.
Song: Pretenders - 2000 Miles
Christmas at Auntie Marian's
Ricky: Pretenders - "2000 Miles" on XFM 104.9, this sort of Christmas edition. We're not here next week, are we?
Steve: No.
Ricky: Karl is, aren't ya?
Karl: Well, you are, in a way.
Ricky: Ah, we're doing a "Best Of", innit?
Steve: Is it a "Best Of"?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Brilliant. Have you been putting it together?
Karl: Not yet.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: I'll do it- I'll do it today. Tell me what bits you want in it and I'll sort it out.
Ricky: It's not for me to say, is it?
Steve: All the best stuff.
Ricky: Yeah, do the best stuff.
Steve: Well, maybe people can email in with their, uhh- their highlights of the year for them. I'm trying to think what they were, I mean, mostly Karl--
Ricky: It'll be mostly Karl won't it?
Steve: Mostly Karl. Gibberish from Karl.
Ricky: It'll be- I think it'll be an awful lot of "Educating Ricky" from Karl.
Steve: Mm. Mm. Well, [email protected] if you've got any thoughts on, uhh, stuff you'd like to hear again. I--
Ricky: It's only, eh- eh- anything you'd like to hear of Karl saying something stupid and me and Steve laughing or slappin' him.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That's basically the competition, isn't it and--
Steve: Yeah. Or there's a couple of instances where I tried to kiss him, I think, and you encouraged me.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Those are, uhh, some highlights for me.
Karl: I just, uhh--
Ricky: I wish I had a video of that.
Steve: Yeah, so do I.
Karl: You mentioned "Educating Ricky". Ehh, we've only got- do you know how we normally have, like, three installments?
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: We've only got two today.
Steve: Why? What happened?
Ricky: Why?
Karl: Just, uhhm...
Steve: Well, you clearly weren't busy Christmas shopping, so what were you- what's the--
Ricky: (Laughs Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: (Exhales) Well, we- like I say, every week it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff that I can teach ya. But- but at the same time, what we have got - we started the feature, I teased MTV with it, right? So I thought I best start doing it before they get someone like Zane Lowe presenting it, or something.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So, "Do We Need 'Em?"
Steve: "Do We Need 'Em?"
Karl: Yep.
Steve: You should explain "Do We Need 'Em?" for those that- that don't like the show.
Karl: Well, it's, uhhhh- it's sort of education--
Steve: Right.
Karl: About animals and stuff and if we need 'em. So, like, David Attenborough once said, uhh, "You can get rid of people off the earth and it world would carry on, there's no problems. But" - you know - "get rid of a monkey and..."
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Karl: "You could have problems on your hands". So--
Steve: (Laughing) Is that a direct quote from Attenborough's current autobiography?
Karl: It was something like that.
Ricky: I think so, yeah.
Karl: So, what I've done today--
Ricky: Yeah. He always starts off- he goes- with "Uhh, right, so then...".
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So--
Ricky Laughs
Steve: And he always ends things, "...you've got yourself all k- all sorts of problems".
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. (Manchester Accent) So that's that. That's done. That's- that's comin' up. Enjoy that. Enjoy that.
Karl: So, I've spoke to a woman about, uhhm, jellyfish.
Steve: Oh yeah. Cuz I know you're not a fan.
Karl: Not a fan of them. So, we'll be speaking to her--
Ricky: Women or jellyfish?
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: It- this is a woman... talkin' about jellyfish.
Steve: Either.
Ricky Chuckles
Karl: So we'll be sortin' that out before three o'clock, we'll be finding out if we need 'em.
Ricky Laughs Loudly
Steve: Rick... (Laughing) Putting that one to bed.
Ricky: (Laughing) He's great isn't he? He's great.
Karl: And then we've got, uhh, Christmas edition of "Rockbusters" which--
Ricky: Oooh!
Karl: I found out yesterday--
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Channel 4 have ripped it off.
Steve: Go on!
Karl: It's on their, uhh, "Teletext" thing.
Steve: That's outrageous!
Karl: Yeah, on their "Teletext" page, someone said.
Ricky Coughs
Ricky: What are they doing, then?
Karl: Like, "Rockbusters". They're copying the format.
Ricky: You're sure they're not copying "Blockbusters"?
Karl: No. No. It's- it's, uhh, someone said it's a cryptic clue of a band and that and initials and you work it out.
Steve: That is despicable, I mean we should investigate this.
Ricky: Right. So they've- they've fundamentally ripped off the idea of being allowed- allowed to do a cryptic clue to guess a band.
Karl: Yeah, but they- they're, sort of, clever cryptic clues.
Steve Laughs
Steve: They didn't steal--
Ricky: Oh sorry. They- they certainly haven't ripped you off then, have they?
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Well... I'm just saying.
Steve: Hey, I should just point out, cuz it's Christmastime, we've had an email from Dicky Anderson! Rrray!
Ricky: Awww, Dickers!
Steve: Uhh, yeah, R.A. is, uhh- well he's- he's- he's- I suppose he's a longtime listener...
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Ummm, and he emails us most, uh- most weeks. Ehh, (Reading) "Ricky, if, as I suspect, I'm your only listener, I wouldn't bother with your show today as I've got to attend some family Christmas nonsense at Auntie Marian's house."
Ricky Giggles
Steve: That's from Dicky Anderson and, uhh, he's- he's good because considering he hates the show and, uhh, everything we stand for, he does- he does take the time to email every week.
Ricky: That counts. That counts to advertisers.
Steve: Yep.
Ricky: I think we got a lot like him.
Steve: Mm! Mm.
Ricky: We've also a lovely Christmas card here, from Alexandra, right, who's, uhh, wish us a l- she loves the show, she loves you, Karl, and she's enclosed some biscicks- biscuits for ya to save you a bit of money cuz she knows you go out and get your- your own biscuits so she's bought some- a packet of Fox's Creations.
Steve: Well why don't you wrap them up and you can give them to your girlfriend.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Donna and Blitzen
When I Was About Seven I Enjoyed It
Steve: "Donna and Blitzen" from the "About a Boy" soundtrack by Badly Drawn Boy--
Ricky: Christmas theme there. Christmas theme there.
Steve: You spotted the Christmas theme.
Ricky: Yeah. Karl's not really in a festive mood but, uhh--
Steve: I can't imagine Christmas is your time of year, is it Karl? Well, I'm not sure any time is, really.
Karl: I liked it when I was about.... I think when I was about seven, I enjoyed it.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Was that the one? Was that the year- the big year for you?
Karl: You- you get loads of stuff, you don't have to worry about anyone else. But once you've, like, got a job--
Ricky: What'd you get when you were- when- when were you doing your paper round? How old were you then?
Karl: I was about, uhh, thirteen, fourteen.
Ricky: Well, that was when you were a man, weren't you?
Karl: I had to- yeah, I had to buy stuff.
Ricky: Oooh.
Karl: But you're still not havein' a good time.
Steve: You're quite a selfish man, aren't you? I didn't realize this.
Karl: No, no, it's just that Christmas--
Ricky: And that's coming from him, Karl.
Karl: Me dad always said Christmas--
Ricky: All right, steady on.
Steve Chuckles
Karl: Me dad said Christmas morning was for, like, you know- for me. So he used to stay in bed.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: So he- he never--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) That's brilliant. That's a great thing to say, innit? Yeah, yeah, "Christmas morning's for you."
Steve Laughs
Ricky: "Run wild! Do what you want, just don't bother me!"
Steve: Yeah, "So I'm going to Honolulu for two weeks."
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) That's great! "Dad it's Christmas", "Do I have to do anything?", "No."
Karl: So my mam used to get up cuz she used to like to see me face light up, you know, when I o- when I opened my presents. And then, uhh--
Ricky: (Laughing) They used to give him fireworks.
Karl: And then, uhh--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Then I'd have to go to me bedroom from about six o'clock onwards, cuz, like, me mam and dad were into having big Christmas parties and I wasn't, like, old enough to go.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: So they'd say, "Right,"- you know - " you've had your fun now you go up to your bedroom. Stay in there."
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Really?!
Karl: Yeah, I remember one year, right, I got- got a train set, that's what I wanted--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right? Brilliant. Uhh--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: Playing with it all day and I thought, "I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here, playing with this"... Brother comes in, he's had a few, right, he's goin', "Yeah, give us a go on your train--"
Ricky: How old is he?
Karl: He- he's a bit older than me so he- he might of been, like.... uhh, let's see....
Ricky: Well let- let him be eighteen.
Karl: Yeah, probably about eighteen, nineteen, something like that.
Ricky: And how old were you?
Karl: I was- well, I had a train set so- I don't know about--
Steve: Fourteen.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Something like that.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right. So, uhh- so I'm playing on that, lovin' it and stuff and then he comes in and goes, "Aw, give us a go". He turns the transformer up to, like, fourteen. He went really fast for about five seconds.... Broke it. And then he went back downstairs.
Steve: Wow.
Karl: So Christmas- I haven't even gotten to Christmas Day--
Steve: Sounds like the, uh, Conservative government with, uh, British Rail.
Ricky: Satire, that is.
Steve: That's satire. Rick, I just saw that- said- satire. If there's any satirical shows listening or--
Ricky: It doesn't work in any way because there's- there's- the analogy falls down--
Steve: No--
Ricky: Apart from there being a train.
Steve: Think it through though: British Rail was trains--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And the goverment broke the trains in many- well they didn't break them- like not officially breaking them but they kind of--
Ricky: No, it does work, it's perfect.
Steve: (Laughs) I'm pretty pleased with that!
Ricky: And I can't- and- no one's asked him to be on "Have I Got News For You".
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's weird, isn't it?
Ricky: Is it--
Steve: It is strange, that.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: When you've got a satirical mind that- that's as quick as that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: All right?
Ricky: And he burnt your little train set. So what did you do?
Karl: I just, like, watched telly and had some sausages.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Ricky: I bet you were happy with that though, weren't you?
Karl: Naaaah. It's a bit annoying, though, innit - when your main present of the year's been broke.
Ricky: Did- did ya ever get it fixed?
Karl: No, that was it. That was it. Put away--
Steve: I'm intrigued why your parents wouldn't let you come and join in the festive fun. Was it, like, really debauched down there? Was it like eggnog everywhere and--
Karl: Naaah, there's just a lot of--
Ricky: No, but I mean, that's fair enough. Six is a little bit early but I just think, you know, if you're a kid and you had- he had his fun, put him to bed- put him to bed at eight maybe and he won't--
Steve: You think so? On Christmas Day? I thought that was a day for family.
Ricky: Well, not if there's a party goin' on.
Karl: And uhh--
Steve: Well don't have the party on Christmas Day, is my point.
Ricky: That's- that's another option.
Steve: Yeah. Your parents are weird, aren't they? They're a strange breed.
Karl: Well, I think that was the year, right, I, uhh--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: You talk about buying presents and stuff - I think I did treat me mam to- I didn't buy me dad anything, I think that was, like, when I got a little bit older I used to get me dad something cuz he wasn't that bothered anyway--
Steve: No.
Ricky: Uhh.
Karl: So, uhh, got me mam, uhh- there was a cheap shop, right--
Steve Laughs
Steve: 'Course.
Karl: Uhh--
Ricky: Thank God for that.
Karl: Called "Snips", right--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: So I went in there and I thought, "Let's see what I can get her", and remember, uhh, Victoria Plum?
Steve: I don't think so.
Karl: Well it's like a fairy character.
Steve: Right.
Karl: Right. And me mam's into gnomes and stuff, right, so--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: I thought, "Right--"
Steve: She'd be pleased with you, then.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: (Laughing) AHH, "Victoria Plum". I was thinking, "Is that one of the neighbors? Is it- is it like a brandy liquor?"
Steve: Yeah. "Remember Victoria Plum".
Ricky: Victoria Plum.
Karl: Victoria Plum, yeah. It's like a little fictional sort of character, right.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: So, uhh- so I saw it, I thought, "Yeah, she'll love that", right? So, I did me paper round, saved up for two weeks, right?
Ricky: Awww.
Karl: Got that sorted, went to Snips, bought the, uhh, Victoria Plum. Next day, I'm in- I'm in town with her, right. So I think, "Ahh, I know what I'll do!", I said, "Come- come in here a minute", right. S- uhh, so we go in and we're looking around and I tested her, right. I went, "Look at that, there, that's all right, innit?" and she goes, "Oh, it's bloody awful."
Steve Exhales In Pain
Ricky: Oh Karl!
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh Karl! I just- I- I- oh God!
Karl: So then, Christmas Day comes and I said--
Ricky: Oh.
Karl: "Don't bother openin' it", she said, "No, no, why?"
Ricky: OH NOO! Why did you still give it to her?!
Karl: So- well it's too late, I'd already bought it!
Ricky: Oh Karl!
Karl: So she opened it and I was like, (Exhales) and she said, "Oh, that's nice", I said, "Why you sayin' that?", I said, "The other day you said it's bloody awful". She said, "No, no, I thought you were pointing at something else."
Ricky: Awwwwwww noo!
Karl: So that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore.
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing and Clapping) OH GOD! Play a record.
Athlete - You Got the Style Begins To Play
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh God! Ohhh!
Song: Athlete - You Got the Style