31 May 1998/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 31 May 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0
It's Ten Past Four
Ricky: Jesus and Mary Chain, The Black. On Xfm 104.9. It's 10 past 4...After the break, Oasis.
ADDS PLAYED
Singing The Praises Of Penk
Ricky: Oasis, Married With Children.
Steve: (sounding bored) Yeah.
Ricky: Xfm, 104.9
Steve: Of course.
Ricky: It's the Ricky Gervais Show. Who am I Steve?
Steve: Gervais. You are Gervais.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: You are Ricky Gervais.
Ricky: (In a squeeky voice)Lucky You. Yes, it's me, Ricky Gervais.
Steve: Gervais, weren't you out s-signing autographs in the week?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Is this true?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Is this true what I've heard?
Ricky: A couple, yeah.
Steve: What's the story? Tell me.
Ricky: Well, we did this road show from uh, the Doc Martins store..
Steve: Road show?
Ricky: (laughing) w-yeah. yeah
Steve: (laughing) Was it that impressive?
Ricky: Yes, it was me Crowley and Pitts with like a CD player.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: ...and some boots.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Surrounding us...no, it was good fun.
Steve: And uh, You played some records...
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And people were coming up, were they? and asking for your-;
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: asking for your autograph?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Incredible.
Ricky: (In one of his voices) Well, you know. uhhh. I'm a bit of a celebrity, Steve I'll be honest.
Steve Chuckles
Steve: If you were really rich,
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: uhh.. what would you spend your money on?
Ricky: ...You know what I'd spend my money on.
Steve: Yeah?
Ricky: Just more foood and drink then I do now.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: ...maybe a few extras holidays.
Steve: How many people- how many people asked for autographs?
Ricky: Oh, I dunno'....thir-;
Steve: 30, 40?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: What about Crowley? Did a- did anyone ask uh, Crowley for an autograph?
Ricky: No. They kept as-asking him if they got this in a size seven
Steve Laughs
Ricky: He's getting really. honestly (giggling)
Steve: He does look a bit like a sort of spotty shop assistant
Ricky: (Laughing) yeah, yeah.
Steve: That you'd find, you know. um 'I'll just go and check with with Moreen
Ricky Laughs
Steve: 'um. meantime, here's Idle Wild
Ricky: I've got a joke.
Steve: Have You?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: We, We'e allowed to tell one joke, are't we, a show?
Steve: One Joke. Cuz I don't want like, you know, Steve Penk or you know
Ricky: No, no it's terrible. No, nothing wrong with Steve Penk.
Steve: I love Penk.
Ricky: Penk's good.
Steve: I'm a big fan of Penk.
Ricky: No, he's great
Steve: Don't get me started on Penk. If I start singing the praises of Penk, we'll (Ricky joins in) be here all night.
Ricky: I know.
Steve: But the point is, you know. You've got your gag. Let's hear it.
Ricky: Right. A little boy, yeah. He's only five years old. He's lost, in a busy highstreet. And he's crying his eyes out. Well he would, he's los his mummy.
Steve Grunts
Ricky: And he's going 'I've lost my fuckin' -;' and the policeman comes up, and uh, goes 'Alright, what's the matter?' and he goes 'I've lost my mummy' Policeman says 'Alright, don't worry, we'll find her. What's she like?' Little kid said 'cock and bingo mainly.'
RECORD PLAYED. INSTANT REPEATER 99 by Soundtrack of Our Lives
Why Should I Stay?
Ricky: Instant Repeater 99, Soundtrack of our Lives on Xfm 104.9.
Steve: Gervais, can I just give the listeners one very good reason why they should stay tuned. There are prizes up for grabs very soon, another one of your fantastic movie quizes.
Ricky: Excellent.
Steve: Is on the way Gervais.
Ricky: and give me one reason why I should stay though.
Steve: he-; uhhh
Ricky: After the break, Blur.
ADS ARE PLAYED. INCLUDING 2 FAKE ADVERTS , 1 BEING FOR BLOOD, SWEAT AND CUM BY BRAINMANGLE AND THE OTHER FOR FUCK LIKE A RHINO BY VELVET NAZI 666 UK. (BOTH SUNG BY RICKY)
WE HEAR THE START OF TRACY JACKS BY BLUR PLAYING
Is Ricky Gervais A Very Good DJ?
END OF TRACY JACKS BY BLUR IS PLAYING
Ricky: Blur. And Tracy Jacks Xfm 104.9 I really am a very good Dj.
Steve laughs
Steve: Well, yeah maybe. uh O-1-7-1-5-8-O-2000. D'you agree with that statement? Is Ricky Gervais a very good DJ?
TRACY JACKS BY BLUR FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY
Ricky giggles
Steve: Gervais, looking at the cover of the News of the World today..
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: I'm shocked. I mean we all know. I mean how are you coping?
Ricky: um I'm
Steve: How are you getting through the days?
Ricky: I'm in shock. I'm- I'm sort of pretending it hasn't happened. I'm playing a lot of the old records
Steve: I know. I know exactly that. Yeah uh.. The Spice Girls are on the brink of spliting up,
Ricky: yeah
Steve: {{{1}}}
Ricky: Oh dear
Steve: Always sniping and going at her and uh,
Ricky: Well this must be
Steve: Gerri's left
Ricky: particularily close to your heart cuz you were bullied at school by a popstar weren't you?
Steve: I was indeed
Ricky: Who was that?
Steve: Lionel Richie
Ricky: really?
Steve: Yeah. It was a nightmare. The thing was, uh, Lionel had just left The Comodores
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: and he had a lot of pent up nervous energy, d'ya know? which he just used to take out on me by
Ricky: Take it out on you
Steve: by pummeling me in the face
Ricky: because you, looked gimp
Steve: Yeah. It was just annoying really.
Ricky: What year was this?
Steve: That was. Must oh been. ooo. '82?
Ricky: Well it must of- must of worked cuz he was about to have like, um, big hit with Dancing on the Ceiling
Steve: True enough
Ricky: He would-hold on. He wouldabeen flying high before that with Hello.
Steve: Well exactly that you see. The thing was, um, you know. He'd had a string of top ten hits
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: I was about 14.
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: I didn't have, the chart credibility...
Ricky: No
Steve: With which to fight back.
Ricky: To fight back.
Steve: D'you know what I mean? I mean often he would just be throwin' my satchell in the tree you know? uh, and singing "Hello. Is it"
Ricky: Wha-what chance did you have against that?
Steve: H-how could I cope with that? You know. he's got a great singing voice. I haven't got soul.
Ricky: I know it's terrible
Steve: You know what was I gonna say??
Ricky: that is terrible
Steve: umm. But you had a similar problem, didn't you?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Were you not bullied by a band?
Ricky: That was before-I'm older then you. This was about 20 years ago when I was a kid at school.
Steve: Really.
Ricky: And uh. I was bullied by a whole band.
Steve: You were bullied by a whole band?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Who?
Ricky: Hansen.
Steve: ...Well, there bastards
Ricky giggles
RICKY'S GINGER HELPLINE IS PLAYED
After The Advert There'll Be Another Break
END OF JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN PLAYING
Ricky: I'm not gonna like to ya, That was house of pain and jump around
Steve interupts
Steve: Don't lie to me.
Ricky: No.
Steve: Don't ever lie to me Gervais
Ricky: No. That is. House of Pain Jump Around . We were jumping around
Steve: of course.
Ricky: We got no shame
Steve: no
Ricky: Xfm 1 oh 4 point 9. It's 20 to 5...
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: I'll be honest. After the ad break there'll be another record.
JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY.
Steve: Is there gonna be another a-;
Ricky: Deffintely
Steve: There's gonna be an add break..
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: You're not lying to me?
Ricky: No.
Steve: Really? ah!
ADVERTS ARE PLAYED WHICH INCLUDES THE FAKE ADVERT FOR MUFF SHANDY'S BRAND NEW SINGLE EARPLUGS ARE GAY
D'you Know Terry Wise?
Super Slick On The Mic
Were You Crawling?
Steve Made Me Do It
END OF NUMB BY PORTISHEAD
Ricky: Portishead. Numb.
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: After the break, a classic, by Housemartins
Steve: Lovely
Ricky: St-Steve made me do it
Steve: Brilliant
HEAR END OF HAPPY HOUR BY HOUSEMARTINS
You Know She Had Two Nos
Xfm Ginger Helpline
Ricky Lists What is Coming
THE END OF BABY BIRD'S BAD OLD MAN iIS PLAYING
Ricky: Baby Bird. Bad Ol' Man.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: XFM 104.9
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: Nearly half five. Ad break, Scope, Song For Body,
Ricky corrects himself
Ricky: -;Bobby, competition, film quiz, ummmm
Steve: Sheddies
Ricky: Shed Seven Album, um Midget um album, um Xfm album with
Ricky mumbles something incoprehensible
BAD OLD MAN BY BABY BIRD FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY
Ricky: -;Am I making sense?
Steve: No.
Steve (probably) bangs on desk
Steve: Play a record.
SKIPS TO END OF SONG FOR BOBBY BY SCOPE