01 February 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 01 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Don't Like Ear Plugs

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – Born Again

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy – Born Again, on XFM 104.9. Here we are then… Ricky Gervais… with me Steve Merchant and…Karl Pilkington. Raring to go. He’s a bit grumpy, Karl. Woken up at eight o’clock—

Steve: (laughing slightly) Because he’s from the north.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah—

Steve laughs

Ricky: Because he’s in London.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (imitating Karl) And London’s rubbish, right, innit?

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) Uhh. Where can ya, ya can’t even get a band-aid in London, can you, or grouting?

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) In Manchester I could walk to the next shop and definitely get, get some Flash, or maybe some Vim.

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) You can’t get it down ‘ere. You gotta go to…trendy bistro, haven’t ya? (normal voice) Karl, why are you grumpy?

Karl: I told you before I’m just a little bit tired today.

Ricky: ‘Cus he had to get up, at the builders next store woke him up.

Karl: No—

Ricky: He’s always going on about his hours, those poor builders probably got up at six…

Karl: Yeah bu—

Ricky: To get the righ—

Karl: I can understand builders who, who get up early because…they’re building outside and they got to get the job done before it get’s dark but he’s working in someone’s lounge. If it get’s dark put the light on.

Ricky snorts

Karl: It’s no— it’s not… a problem, so why is he starting work at like, seven o’clock in the morning?

Ricky: Well because builders get paid by the day, and if you get a builder and going ‘oh just do eleven until three’, he’s not going to go, ‘I tell you what love, just give me a, just give me forty quid. I didn’t do a whole day.’ It’s a day’s work, innit? So you want the, get the most out of them, don’t you?

Steve: Plus he probably wants to finish early so he can have a good night out.

Ricky: Yeah it’s a Saturday night, you know what I mean? He wants to—

Steve: Yeah he wants to get at least fifteen pints in.

Ricky: And he was cheery, I bet he whistling and, you know, dancing around—

Karl: Yeah yeah, dancing around—

Ricky: And tapping and d-d— you know, so, I don’t know why, how you can be annoyed at that.

Karl: It’s, s—

Ricky: Why didn’t you get earplugs?

Karl: I’ve, I don’t like it, the idea of earplugs.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Because I live in a flat, so, it’s not as if I’m looking after my house, right?

Ricky: Ah, well k—

Karl: righ—

Ricky: Already, ALREADY I’ve lost you.

Karl: No—

Ricky: That wasn’t even a whole sentence and I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ricky pounds table for emphasis

Karl: No but what I mean is…

Ricky: What?

Karl: If you live in a house, right, you know that you’ve turned the lights off downstairs, you know you’ve, you've, you haven’t got a frying pan on, right?

Ricky and Steve: Right

Ricky: Okay, not really—

Steve: Ah kee-bu— KEEP him going.

Karl: But I live in a flat, and I don’t know what the other people are like, there might be some daft people in there who, who—

Ricky scoffs

Ricky: Imagine that.

Ricky sniffs

Karl: Right? Who don’t turn stuff off. Now if I have earplugs, and the fire alarm’s going off…

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I’m not going to hear it, I’m going to have a good sleep, but… who knows what could happen?

Pause

Steve scoffs

Karl: So I don’t, I don’t like earplugs. It’s not, it’s not safe.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: If you live in a block of flats.

Steve: But I think you’ll find, ‘cus I’ve used them, I think you’ll find that a fire alarm will cut through earplugs.

Ricky: I wear them sometimes, uh, eh, if it-it noisy or when I go to bet early or something, and I hear my alarm clock and it’s, it’s... IT IS… it goes: (quietly) bee-bee-beep. bee-bee-beep. bee-bee-be— it’s that loud.

Karl: Alright, okay well…

Ricky: And ah-ah, a fire alarm is DEAFENING.

Karl: Alright, so we’ve talked in the past about snails, who sleep for thirteen years…

Ricky takes a drink

Ricky: No you have. That’s never been confirmed. In fact the expert didn’t, hadn’t heard of it.

Karl: D- well, they do.

Ricky: Ah, Okay

Steve laughs

Karl: I read it on different sites.

Ricky and Steve: Okay.

Karl: So how much does it take to wake them up?

Pause

Ricky sniggers

Steve laughs loudly

Karl: Got you.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Steve laughs

Karl: Well they sleep for thirteen years…

Ricky: Yeah but It’s probably eh-bu-I don’t know what you mean by sleep. It’s not the same sort of pattern that we have on a, in a mollusc is it? There’s different, wha-what is sleep? It’s eh— it’s—

Karl: It’s when you’re… sort of shut down, and…

Ricky: But they can aestivate. They can actually literally shut down.

Karl: No but they didn’t say that. They said sleep, they sleep for thirteen years.

Pause

Steve laughs

Karl: I bet that a-ah, I mean a… have you ever had like more… than ten hours sleep?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Feel really groggy.

Ricky: Well no I feel good after ten hours sleep.

Karl: I feel rough. I just was thinking what a snail would be like. You’re like ohh…

Steve: Be even slower than normal.

Ricky: Be even slower than you.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Well anyway.

Steve: Email in if you know what on Earth Karl is talking about.

Ricky: Ever.

Song: Wu Tang Clan – Uzi

It's Bringing the Show Down

Ricky: Wu Tang Clan – Uzi on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We got a lot, got a lot to get through, got a lot to get through. We got things like, uhh, Radiohead to play. We got Feeder, we got, you know, Teenage Fan Club.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: You know—

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: We quite uh, we got two new competitions, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: A great one coming up, a film competition.

Steve: I’m excited.

Ricky: It’s great, and uh, uh a music-based competition, which—

Steve: Is it right to say that Rockbusters is no longer?

Ricky: We’ve still got Rockbusters. We still–

Steve: Really?

Ricky: It’s hanging on—

Karl: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah…

Steve: Oh WHAT?—

Ricky: By the skin of it’s teeth—

Steve: I thought we had got rid of it. I th- I genuinely, I-I thought we had all agreed that we’d got rid of that rubbish.

Ricky: No.

Karl: No I think, I think we should do it. I think people like it.

Steve: Nobody wants it. Nobody wants it.

Ricky: It’s ‘cus he’s got his name in Heat now. It’s—

Karl: No honestly—

Ricky: It’s Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington and Heat said they liked Rockbusters. That’s why—

Steve: Karl, I thought we had a meeting—

Ricky: It’s pand- he’s pandering.

Steve: And we agreed that it was not going to happen anymore.

Karl: Well—

Ricky: He’s worried about the fans.

Karl: No—

Steve: There’s a guy here emailed in, he just emailed in three band names, he says I may as well email in now, on the off chance these are right, because it’s such an arbitrary quiz…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It’s essentially a waste of time. The clues are so—

Ricky: F

Steve: complicated.

Ricky: D, Freda Payne.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That was a classic. That was a classic Rockbuster, wasn’t it?

Steve laughs

Karl: When I, when when they start getting a bit ridiculous and that, and people aren’t getting them…

Ricky: Ohh!

Karl: Then we’ll—

Ricky: You can’t drink that pop now. Chaka Khan.

Steve Laughs

Karl: No, I—

Ricky: That was another piece of genius.

Steve: Well, i-it, I think we’ve already reached that stage, Karl, to be truthful, mate.

Ricky: I’ve only just got in this river, and there’s loads of logs. Justin TimberLAKE. He said river.

Steve laughs

Ricky: LAKE. He said river. LAKE you said river. Umm…

Steve laughs

Steve: I—

Ricky: Just a few of the highlights of Rockbuster.

Steve: Can you please promise that this is the last one today? ‘Cus it’s really, I think it’s just, it’s bringing the show down.

Ricky: I-its, uh, Steve he can’t promise he’ll remember the answers today. How can he promise what’s going to happen next week?

Steve laughs

Steve: Right.

Karl: I still think it’s got legs in it, let’s just see how it goes next week.

Steve: You’re NOT going to bring it back next week. It’s got to be fini- we got to put an end to it. We’ve got to give it a sort of… final sending off.

Ricky: Okay, then les- let’s, I’ll, tell you what.

Steve: We’ve got to smother it, Karl. For it’s own good.

Ricky: I-I do, I do want to try out this new film quiz we’ve got, ‘cus it’s, it-it’s, I mean I’m excited. I think it’s the, the best competition we’ve come up with—

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: To be quite honest. I mean Karl, i-i-y- you agree, don’t you?

Karl: Is- It’s alright, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, it’s uh, it’s a film-based quiz…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Uhh, there’ll be a qui-, we’ll play a clip from a, a classic film. I can tell you the film we’re going to play: it’s The Sixth Sense.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And there’ll be uh, a question afterwards, and you can win The Sixth Sense.

Steve: on DVD?

Ricky: Yeah. Not, not the ability to sort of, to tell when someone’s behind you.

Steve laughs

Steve: No

Ricky: But just the film. Uh, you know. Do you believe in sort of like… extra sensory sort of perception and stuff, Karl?

Karl: Ghosts and that?

Ricky: Ah—. Yeh.

Karl: Yeah, uh…

Ricky: ‘Course you do. ‘Course you do.

Steve: Not ghosts, no, the fact that people maybe can sense, uhh.. you know, beings.

Karl: There was a woman in on the Christian's breakfast show, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Blind woman.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Uhh… clairvoyant.

Ricky: Her name?

Karl: Uh… forgot. But she, she was a bit useless. Em…

Steve laughs

Steve: She was a bit useless?

Ricky: Ri- i- ah uh, is it, I’m always worried about what is going to come out of Karl’s mouth?

Steve: Yeah I’m worried about what you mean. Wha—

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: She’s a bit rubbish at being clairvoyant?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: I mean I, I think if you’re not that good at something, don’t, don’t go on the radio and do it.

Steve: Karl you better leave.

Steve laughs

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: So, what, sorry?

Karl: Well she was saying, like…

Ricky: So what was the relevance of her being…uhh, blind? What was that… for? Why did you tell me tha—

Karl: I just thought it was a bit weird. I think she was using that ‘cus the fact that she can’t see living people but she can contact the dead ones.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I-I—

Steve: So when you went—

Ricky: I’m SO sorry, this is XFM 104.9—

Karl: No, but I’m just— no LISTEN to ya—

Ricky: Once again Karl’s opinions do not necessarily refrec, reflect…

Steve: Those of—

Ricky: Anyone’s.

Steve: Those of any human being’s.

Ricky: A, any other person alive today.

Steve: Sorry Karl—

Karl: Yeah, so listen—

Steve: So why, why wha- how did she demonstrate her, her clairvoyancy—

Karl: Right, she was—

Steve: And why was it not very convincing?

Karl: She was sat in the chair you’re at,

Steve: Mhm.

Karl: Right? And people called up and said—

Ricky: Oooh.

Steve: I sense that.

Ricky: Weird.

Karl: They said, um…they called up, and they said right, uh…can you, uh, have a word with me gran?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh… she goes, ‘Yep, she’s dead, isn’t she?’ And it’s like, ‘yeah.’ It goes ‘Ooo’ and everyone’s like ‘Ooo she knows her stuff.’

Ricky and Steve snicker

Ricky: It was fifty fifty to be fair.

Karl: Yeah and especially with a gran, ‘cus the person sounded about thirty-five so the chances are…

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: She hasn’t got a gran anymore.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Umm, and it was just like…

Ricky: Unless it’s the fellas from Busted, because they in the year three thousand, it’s only they’ve only got to a great-great-granddaughter. And that’s a thousand years, so presumably, you know, they can live a lot longer.

Pause

Karl: Yeah. I just wasn’t convinced, and any road I don’t want to dis her, because you know she came in, and she did her stuff, and and if people believe in it, I’m not going to put it down. But it just a little bit odd—

Ricky: YOU believe in it. You just think she didn’t have the real power, as opposed to it being rubbish.

Karl: Well… whatever.

Steve scoffs

Karl: Bu, but, yeah I don’t know what we were talking about there. So we’ve got the film thing here—

Ricky cackles

Ricky: He doesn’t know what we were talking about.

Steve laughs

Karl: The film…

Ricky: What were you talking about earlier about glasses as well and Steve taking his glasses off, what was that?

Karl: What are you saying that in front of him now for?

Ricky: Was it, oh was it an insult?

Karl: It wasn’t really an insult, now I don’t—

Steve: (Serious) Karl what were you up to?

Ricky: No what was it? I genuinely don’t remember. I d-, I genuinely don’t remember.

Karl: W- I just, right, Steve, I’m not, I’m not having a go, right? Um, just saying how people… um, it’s a bit weird that you’ve got glasses ‘cus you’ve got a good pair of eyes on you, right?

Ricky snickers

Karl: That, that isn’t an insult.

Ricky: What were you talking about though? What was it, why did it come up—

Karl: It was the fact that people who wear glasses always look a bit weird without them on. It’s, it’s like…

Pause

Karl: You know, th- they were, they should uh, they should wear glasses.

Ricky: I…ri- okay. Wh- why did we get round to this? What was we talking about, what were we talking about?

Pause

Karl: I don’t know. I uh I don’t know, I don’t know what that was.

Steve: It sounds like an insult even if it wasn’t intended as one.

Karl: No I wasn’t, I wasn’t—

Steve: It sounds like an insult, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It does, yeah.

Karl: No it wasn’t. But listen—

Steve: I should be allowed to punch you every time you insult me now.

Ricky snorts

Karl: No but I’m not, I know—

Steve: Aright I’m doing it, I’m going to give you a dead arm.

Steve gets up from his chair

Steve: (From across the room) 'Cus it sounds like an insult—

Karl: No Steve it’s you, you’re always—

Steve: (From across the room) And even if I wasn’t you intended it to be one.

Karl: Well what you—

Karl grunts

Pause

Sound of a punch to the arm

Ricky gasps

Ricky: (Shocked, serious) That was real, play a record.

Steve: (From across the room) Yeah—

Ricky: That’s mad.

Steve: (From across the room) That’s what you get every time you insult me from now on.

Ricky: That’s mad. This is the Cardigans. Great. Brilliant.

Karl: I didn’t even say anything.

Steve: That makes me feel better, that makes me feel better. I can enjoy the rest of the show.

Song: The Cardigans - For What It's Worth

Would Anyone Want a Kid That Much?

Ricky: (Smooth DJ voice) Cardigans in For What It’s Worth, and in my opinion one of the best things I’ve done in many a year. This is XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Kaaaaarl K-man Pilkington.

Steve laughs

Steve: I sometimes wish you spoke like that for real, ‘cus I would cer- I wouldn't leave the studio with a headache then.

Ricky cackles loudly

Steve: There you are, see, it’s just come stinging back.

Ricky laughs, gasping

Ricky: Aaaoh dear.

Steve: A lot of people, sort of, I meet them in the street and they go, ‘I wish I was Ricky Gervais’s mate’. No you don’t.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Let me put your mind at rest now your not missing anything. Am I right, Karl?

Ricky: Who says that walking along the street?

Steve: (Laughing) No, people-

Ricky: With that in them and said-

Steve: They sh- they don’t shout it out

Ricky: D-d-d, ‘What you thinking?’ (high pitched voice) ‘Oh just thinking, I wish I was Ricky Gervais’s mate.’ ‘Were you?’

Steve: No, no I’ve met people like friends of friends-

Ricky: Then they go, ‘he must be fun to be with.’

Steve: Yeah, yeah, exactly, wouldn’t he be a great laugh…

Ricky: In an enclosed space,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, in an echoing small space.

Steve: Ooh, imagine sharing a prison cell with Ricky.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That would be good, wouldn’t it, Karl? Oh, that would be fantastic, would- I’d be the daddy, wouldn’t I?

Karl: I’d hate it.

Steve: (Laughing) Suicide rate in the prison would shoot through the roof.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah. Now come over here and suck mummy’s… now listen, right?

Steve: What do you reckon, Karl, you know, being Ricky’s friend? Do you find that an exhilarating experience? Something that you enjoy, you look forward to-

Karl: I like, I l- It’s alright for about an hour, and then anything over that is when he’s just messing about and he wants to hit me on the head with a tray, or…

Ricky: We went, we went for lunch yesterday, didn’t we, and that was for more than an hour, wasn’t it?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And we had a drink in the week didn’t we? And that was more than an hour, wasn’t it?

Karl: That was, that was a good-

Steve: Is he okay when he’s, when it’s just the two of you? ‘Cus I find as soon as there’s a third person…

Karl: Well, yeah, just to give you-

Steve: He just starts showing off.

Karl: Well, there’s a little bit of that, right? But, I went out with Ricky like I said, right? Went for a drink in the week. And uh… you know, I went home, and Suzanne my girlfriend said, uh, ‘Where have you been?’ I said, ‘Been out for a drink with Ricky.’ ‘You’ve been out for a while, what have you been talking about?’ I’m fr- I sort- I sort of sat there for a minute and thought… there’s nothing that I can tell her we’ve been talking about that she’ll show any interest in.

Steve laughs

Karl: She said, ‘Well, you must remember something’. I said ‘I can’t, I can’t…’ she goes, ‘No, something, just anything that you were talking about. What were you talking about?’ I said, ‘Right. The one I remember…

Steve and Ricky try to stifle laughter

Karl: ‘One of the topics that came up was, imagine... that the only way to have a kid was you had to sleep with a squid.’

Steve laughs

Karl: ‘How many kids would you have?’

Ricky: (Laughing) I will tell you, it was the future and the squid was like a inv- the only way they could do it now. It was like a filter you had to sleep with a squid. I was going ‘Would you?’ He was going ‘What do you mean?’

Steve laughs

Ricky: I was going ‘Would you?’ he said ‘There’s not a time,’ he hasn’t got a handle on the conversation, i-it- buzzing in his head that he got confused about-

Karl: Would anyone want a kid that much?

Ricky cackles

Steve: Does, does the child look like a squid when you have it, or is it-

Ricky: No it’s not, I was going ‘No, no is- it's normal, but it’s like a filtering system. The only way you could do it to make sure, you know, you have to imp- you have to impregnate the squid, and it filters and they you can, you know, it’s a test tube baby in the future.

Steve: Did the Busted lads mention that in the song The Year 3000?

Ricky: They didn’t but they live underwater, that’s what I got it from. I don’t k- well, you probably sort of, like, get quite friendly with them, and eventually you probably would be breading with the squids and, you know…

Steve: So what does-

Ricky: Prons.

Steve: What did Suzanne make of Gervais? Has she met him a few times?

Karl: Yeah, she just said ‘Oh, uh,’ she can understand why we sort of get on, ‘cus we’re both, sort of, come up with daft stuff all the time and…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky snickers

Karl: But I am quite happy to have a discussion-

Ricky: I love the way that i-i-ju- talking about his partner like the adult.

Steve: Well I don’t- that’s how I see her.

Ricky: Like there’s these two kids going out playing talking about squids.

Steve: That’s how, that is exactly how I see Suzanne.

Ricky giggles

Steve: It’s like if- if she wasn’t there, I don’t think you’d get out of the house in the morning.

Karl: Well sh- she’s-

Steve: You’d have tied your shoelaces together.

Ricky: Yeah, you’d have your plugs in-

Steve: You’d forgot to put your trousers on-

Ricky: Fire alarm would be going off, and, you know, someone would’ve left a frying pan on and the builders would be sort of like throwing you round.

Steve: Yeah, I imagine she makes you like-

Ricky: ‘Put me down!’

Steve: A row of sandwiches.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well she’s, she’s noticed that I don’t ask as many questions now. ‘Cus like, last night was one of the first times in ages that I’d asked her something, right?

Ricky: What did you ask?

Steve: ‘Where’s the bathroom?’

Steve and Ricky snicker

Karl: No right, do you know I’m like always thinking stuff when I’m bored, right? Especially if it’s when I’m washing up or what have you.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, last night, um, she was watching uh, that midsummer…

Steve: Midsummer Murders.

Karl: Midsummer Murders, right? I don’t like it, I think it’s rubbish, right? So uh, I’m sat there-

Steve: Another thing you’ve got in common then.

Ricky snickers

Karl: No but do you know what I mean? I but- I let her watch it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? She really likes it-

Ricky: He was sta- he was watching the microwave, she was going ‘Karl, no…’

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: ‘This is the telly. This is the telly.’

Steve: ‘Wait a minute, wait a minute, this chicken, this chicken is going to come round-‘

Ricky: ‘I’ve film seen this before, this film before it comes round again in a minute.’ ‘Karl, come, that- what’s th-, that’s the washing machine, Karl.’

Steve laughs

Karl: So she’s watching it, loving it and that, and I’m, I’m bored, ‘cus it’s just, yeah, it’s boring programme. So uh, so I’m sort of looking through magazines that we’ve got…

Ricky: Trying to find animals without heads.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, it was in one of her magazines, and there’s this article, right? About these i- identical twins.

Ricky moans slightly

Karl: Brothers, right? And one of them meets this girl, right? And it turns out she’s got an identical…

Ricky: I’ve heard of this, this is true.

Steve: Right.

Karl: They get married.

Steve: She’s got an identical sister?

Karl: Right? So, they both go out.

Steve: So two identical twins, met, going out with two identical twins sisters?

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, I was looking at it going ‘Oh, that’s, that’s weird.’ Cus you see them, like, they’re always wearing the same cardigans and that and that’s like-

Ricky: But then, no but if you’re an identical twin you probably would fancy the same sort of person, wouldn’t you?

Karl: But, then, I was asking, and she was going ‘Shh, it’s getting near the, you know, the plot, the murder or whatever’…

Ricky snickers

Karl: If they had a kid, would they look the same?

Pause

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Would the, would the, would the-

Ricky: Not necessarily, not necessarily, because i- it depends on what, what genes are passed over. Even though they’ve got the same exact sets of genes, th- they you don’t pass on all the genes, do you? You fi- it’s fifty fifty, but you don t pass on exactly the same genes in each sperm, let alone with an identical twin.

Karl: Yeah, but even though you don’t do that, like, my brother and sister don’t look like me but-

Ricky: No.

Karl: You’d know we they were related.

Ricky: ‘Cus they share, they share fifty percent of you’re father’s genes-

Steve: (Laughing) And they talk gobldy-gook.

Ricky: Yeah. No, you share fifty percent of you’re father’s genes and fifty percent of you’re mother’s but not the same fifty percent i-i-it- on two occasions.

Pause

Steve: I think you’ve completely lost him-

Ricky: I’ve lost him already. I’ve lost him already.

Steve: When you brought in the word ‘genes’,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I thought he was thinking ‘w-w-w- what sort of trousers-’

Ricky: No they wouldn’t necessarily. They wouldn’t necessarily, no. They could do, by, shear chance-

Steve: Did Suzanne look at you…

Ricky giggles

Steve: Like, Oliver Hardy looks as Stan Laurel, when he’s just like, nailed his hand to a wall or something?

Ricky snickers

Karl: She just, she- she went, ‘Ask Ricky tomorrow.’

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky cackles

Steve: And then turned up John Nettles.

Karl: And then turned it up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So…

Ricky: Aaooh, that is brilliant. I think there’s a st- I heard a story once where two um, sets of Siamese twins married. What if you fancied the one on the left?

Steve: Yeah. What if one of them was having an affair? Behind the other one’s back?

Ricky laughs

Steve: That would be difficult to conduct, wouldn’t it?

Steve and Ricky laugh

Karl moans

Steve: ‘You better shove off, he’s waking up.’

Ricky: ‘What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?’

Steve: ‘Eh? Nothing, nothing.’

Ricky: ‘What are you doing there? What are you doing down there?’

Steve: ‘Nothing, there’s no one down here.’

Ricky: ‘Wha- what, hold on, wha- well, I think there is, because I can, I can see her sister here.'

Steve: (Laughing) ‘No, no, nope.’

Ricky: ‘Well what’s she doing? What’s she doing?’

Steve: ‘No it’s just-‘

Ricky: 'She’s covering for him, what you covering him for? He’s you’re husband. Is my wife down there?’

Steve laughs

Karl: I read something about some Siamese twins.

Ricky: Go on.

Ricky sniffs

Karl: And um, one of them was saying, you know, ‘Oh, we get on each other's nerves and that…’

Ricky: (laughing) Oh God…

Karl: But-

Ricky: The other one was going, ‘We don’t!’

Steve laughs

Steve: Yes. ‘I didn’t know this!’

Ricky: (high pitched) ‘I’ve ne- yeah, I never-‘ (Lower) ‘I never liked you.’

Karl: And one of them was going, ‘Oh, you know, I hate doing the washing up but I let her do it.’ And um, the- the person doing the interview said, “Well, why don’t you help out? Just dry up? And get the job done quicker?’ …And she was like, ‘No, no, I can’t stand it. I prefer to just uh, hang around there, and wait for the other girl…’

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ‘To do the washing up on her own, rather than help them get the job done.’

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: It’s selfish

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well I uh, there was one set of Siamese twins, one, one had a job and the other one didn’t.

Steve laughs

Steve: That’s ludicrous.

Ricky: Yeah. The other was unemployed the other one had a job. She had to go to work, she had to get up at six o’clock on her day off.

Steve: ‘I’m supporting you, literally.’

Ricky: (Laughing) yeah.

Karl: Didn’t they get done off the social, for sort of…

Ricky snorts, then laughs

Steve: Yeah. ‘Cus when they were signing on.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: ‘Are you living together?’ ‘We’re not, we’re not. We’re not, we’re not.’

Song: Manfred Mann - Quinn the Eskimo