Monkey News
"What we're doing here, right, is just giving you a bit of monkey news that's gone on, where a monkey's been involved in it. Good little story an' that." - Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Podcast, 5 December 2005)
A regular section of the show in which Karl talks about a story, either factual (whilst often being very inaccurate) or fictious, where chimpanzees have been featured for unusual purposes. Ricky introduces this section with a "jingle" - "Ooooh, Chimpanzee That! MONKEYNEWS yerff-cc--grr" - as is usually the case with other features of the show. On the last show of the first series of The Ricky Gervais Show podcasts, Karl announced he would no longer be doing "Monkey News" as he believes all news featuring monkeys has been covered. Monkey News initially started life as a feature called "Chimpanzee That", though this title simply became the jingle somewhere along the line.
List Of Monkey News Items
(to do - link to show pages)
XFM Shows
2003-01-11 - Hairy kid (hints to monkey news)
2003-01-18 - Monkey that finishes the day off with a brandy (First Monkey News)
2003-01-25 - Monkey caught smoking a fag (First time jingle is used)
2003-02-01 - Monkey named Crap
2003-02-08 - Monkey nicking DVDs in Hackney
2003-02-15 - Monkey in India, waiting for the train
2003-03-15 - Monkeys having a good chat
2003-03-29 - Monkey photographer
2003-04-05 - Monkey marriage
2003-04-12 - Monkey foils a bank robbery (Monkey Alfred - Part 1)
2003-04-26 - Monkey Alfred makes a deal (Monkey Alfred - Part 2)
2003-05-03 - Monkey that gets a decent job at a train station
2003-05-10 - Monkey that got a gig in a hairdressers
2003-05-17 - Monkey on a PC, typing "this is not a practical joke"
2003-05-31 - Monkey 86, drives off to Spain.
2003-06-07 - Monkey marriage II
2003-06-14 - Monkey homeless in Russia
2003-06-21 - Monkey business & monkey gets a thump in the head
2003-06-28 - Monkeys join the army
2003-07-05 - Monkey health spa run by chimps
2003-07-12 - Monkey prison.
2003-07-19 - Monkey runner in the olympics
2003-07-26 - Monkey on a tricycle
2003-08-09 - Monkey mechanics on a Halfords advert / Monkey prostitute
2003-08-16 - Monkey washing a potato & monkey football team
2003-11-01 - Monkey in an old peoples home
2003-11-08 - Monkey on a chat room
2003-11-15 - Monkey superhero
2003-11-29 - Monkey throwing
2003-12-06 - Monkey racing driver
2003-12-13 - Monkey on a plane with no nuts
2004-01-03 - Monkey victorian ape woman
2004-01-10 - Monkey escapes from the lab
2004-01-17 - Monkey farmers have a shoot-out
2005-05-28 - Monkey SWAT team
2005-06-04 - Monkey porn
2005-06-11 - Monkey chef
2005-06-18 - Monkey in a home
2005-06-25 - Monkey musician
2005-07-02 - Monkey poker player
Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.
Podcasts
Series 1, Episode 1 - Monkey in space (visits the Moon), s/he wasn't allowed to go back in space, ends up commiting suicide because couldn't reach "the buzz" similiar to space travelling any other way
Series 1, Episode 2 - Monkey Bargain hunter
Series 1, Episode 3 - Monkey Sanctuary
Series 1, Episode 4 - Monkey Hosts Chat show in Moscow, chats with Cher (this was something Steve Merchant said, and Karl then added it part of the story)
Series 1, Episode 5 - Monkey Lives with Zoo Keeper. Monkey starts acting like a human person, starts hitting on Zoo Keeper's wife, ends up living with Zoo Keeper's Wife
Series 1, Episode 6 - Monkey saves people from burning building, still works for NY Fire Department
Series 1, Episode 7 - Monkey builder goes from building to building just building. (Flash video)
Series 1, Episode 8 - Monkey crashes bobsled during Olympics because of photographer's cameras flashing lights, is taken by an ambulance, ends up in zoo with some sort of neck guard
Series 1, Episode 9 - Monkey Pilot, gets caught by a passenger who rushes into cockpit wanting a bag of nuts
Series 1, Episode 10 - Monkey Jockey, wins a race, grabs a fruit from a lady's hat and gets caught
Series 1, Episode 11 - Monkey eye surgeon - "Chimp Doctors"; man with a bad eyesight reads newspaper advertisement "Chimp doctors" as "cheap doctors", is bewildered after finding out his eyes were fixed by a chimp doctor
Series 1, Episode 12 - Monkey in space update, apparently there's a museum for chimps who have travelled in space
Famous Monkeys
Monkey 86 - Drove to Spain after nicking a car from a magician he used to work for.
Marty - The web-using monkey you can supposedly have a chat with over the internet.
Ham - The first monkey to be sent into space. According to Karl, when he pressed the 'left button' he gets a banana. Also, according to Karl, within the spaceship there are left, right, and reverse buttons.
Enos - The second monkey to go into space, following Ham's successful mission. In real life, the rocket did not sustain proper altitude and the mission had to be aborted so Enos was returned safely to Earth. In Karl's world, the two buttons became reversed so the one for "everything else" began dispensing bananas. Fortunately, Enos figured it out and is now living in a monkey retirement home with Ham and all the other "Chimponauts" "talking about the old times and that."
Crap - The first monkey to have his name tattooed to his forehead.
Ollie the Chimp - Again, a story that has a basis in fact, but Karl has extrapolated a load of old nonsense from the tale. In the world the rest of us inhabit, Ollie was a chimpanzee suspected to be a "missing link" between humans and apes. In Karl's world, Ollie befriended a zoo-keeper who took him out for dinners and eventually let him live with him. Ollie would "start the day with a cuppa tea, end on a brandy", and in the end of the story run off with the zoo-keeper's wife, leaving him a lonely divorcee.