19 January 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 19 January 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

That's The Third One Today

RICKY: XFM 104.9, kicking off there with the Dandy Warhols, Steve.
STEVE: Sure.
RICKY: Ricky Gervais Show, with me Steve Merchant.
STEVE: Always let me say that!
RICKY: Well, oh I thought you were…
STEVE: What?
RICKY: Five past One, innit.
STEVE: Already an error has occurred, which is a shame cos it could have been slick.
RICKY: But, Steve, we’ve got some great music, I’m on a bit of a soul tip this week, to be honest, I was a bit folky last week, you know, but you’ve got stuff from like early Bowie, some Stevie Wonder, little bit of Groove Armada, we’ve got, we’ve got the classics, we’ve got Coldplay, we’ve got Blur, we’ve got Ash…
STEVE: Sure, sure.
RICKY: We haven’t planned anything for the show…
STEVE: You’ve got nothing…
RICKY: No…
STEVE: Just reading a list…
RICKY: Of songs that I might play…
STEVE: Thinking that will fill up some time; anything interesting happen to you over the week?
RICKY: Errm...
STEVE: Nope.
RICKY: No.

Pause.

RICKY: I just swore off-air and Karl went “never swear in an on-air studio”

Steve laughs.

STEVE: I love it when Karl tries to sound like he’s professional and understands the business.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: You don’t fool us Karl.
RICKY: Yeah, yeah.
STEVE: I wish I could buy, I wish I could buy, like a Karl, you know like those Garfields you can stick on a car window.
RICKY: Oh yeah.
STEVE: I reckon they should, we should be able to get a Karl like that, that we could send out as a gift to people.
RICKY: That would be lovely wouldn’t it.
STEVE: Just his little face pressed up against the glass like a window licker.
RICKY: Yeah, like a, you’d have to lick his face to stick it.
STEVE: Yeah, that would be a joy…
RICKY: Aww, bless him.
STEVE: Aww, bless him.
RICKY: Or one of those things you throw at a window and it sort of, like, flaps down, they sell ‘em for a quid down Oxford Street.
STEVE: Yeah, exactly on Oxford Street.
RICKY: What are they called?
STEVE: Or one of those little dancing ones.
RICKY: Baby pigeons, that’s what we used to use, or frogs from the pond, that’s cruelty to animals and I don’t condone that, and it was a joke, before the RSPCA phone in and say stop throwing frogs at windows…
STEVE: Well, people who are listening…
RICKY: And I don’t mean the French, by the way, that, that sounds like Xenophobic, before…uh..erm… someone calls in and says stop throwing French people at windows.
STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: So, I’m digging myself into a hole here aren’t I?
STEVE: Yeah, yeah…
RICKY:’’’ It’s all gone horribly wrong…
STEVE: Quick, mention the Germans and then escape…
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, I don’t mind the Germans.
STEVE: No, good.
RICKY: Erm, Karl, err...
STEVE:I was just, I wonder if people know what Karl looks like in the wide world, is there any reason why they should, have you ever been on anything or…?
RICKY: He’s sort of, he’s like Moby, he looks like Moby…
STEVE: He does look like Moby, yeah that’s who he does…
RICKY: Does that help?
STEVE: Is that a compliment?
KARL: Sort of a Moby, who’s…
RICKY: Manc…
KARL: Had a bit of a… tough paper round when he was younger.
RICKY: Yeah, that’s right.
KARL: Looks a bit more knackered than Moby.
RICKY: Yeah, I think so, yeah… See I’ve got, a, I think Moby’s great, whenever he opens his mouth, I sort of think I’d love to be mates with him, he talks sense, he’s interesting, he’s lovely; I don’t like his records, there’s nothing I can do about that, if I ever meet him, if I ever become top mates with him, and after about a few years of us like driving around and having a pint, and going “Ohhh…”, I’d go “Moby, I’ve never liked anything you’ve ever done…”
STEVE: Is that what you do with your mates, just drive ‘round?

Ricky cackles.

STEVE: What are you sixteen?
RICKY: Never, I’ve never done that…
STEVE: Go to, go to a car park and just do handbrake turns.
RICKY: Never, I’ve haven’t done that since I was like seventeen, and it was like great if someone had a car.
STEVE: You couldn’t believe that you were just moving.
RICKY: I remember once, right, my mate, um, err, Bob, had a car, and there were me and another friend in it and we were young, about eighteen and he did an u-turn when he shouldn’t and a, and this motorbike hit him and came off, and the music, and we went “turn the music down…”, it was really really bad right, and he was there and he was really worried and the motorbike bloke was dazed and he went “are you okay, I’m really sorry…” and he went “yeah…” and I put my head out the window and went “sorry about that mate… that’s the third one today…”

Steve laughs.

RICKY: And this motorbike just looked at him and he went “don’t do that Gervais, why d’you do that…? Why d’you say that…?” I just thought it would be funny, I didn’t really understand the, you know, the severity of this.
STEVE: I have told on the radio before, about that time when I, I’d just passed my test and I was driving my parents’ Volvo estate and we went off driving down some country lanes, have I mentioned that?
RICKY: Is this the one with the…?

Pause.

STEVE: Yeah.
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: I’ve told you have I?
RICKY: Yeah.
STEVE: Have I told you Karl?
KARL: No, no, go on.
STEVE: Well, maybe tell you a bit later on.
RICKY: Oh let’s play a record…
STEVE: Yeah, play a record, I’ll tell you later…
RICKY: There’s, there’s a great anecdote about a Volvo estate coming up.
STEVE: Exactly, that’s the kind of stuff you’re getting on XFM this Saturday afternoon.
RICKY: Do you want some Coldplay or what?
STEVE: Oh I’d love to…

Song: Coldplay - Don’t Panic