07 June 1998/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 June 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0

Kicking Off With This Little Ditty

End of previous song is playing

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. Coming up on today's show: Radiohead, Pulp, Oasis, Blur, Nirvana, Jesus and Mary Chain, Puff Daddy, The Smiths, Faith No More, The Cure and uh, kicking off with this little ditty.

Song: The Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It?

A Lovely Berkshire Accent

Ricky: Mock Turtles, Can You Dig It. On XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve. D'you remember that one?

Steve: It's a classic, Gervais.

Ricky: Lovely, innit?

Steve: I used to play that when I used to run a mobile disco.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: There's nothing wrong with that!

Ricky: Did you really?

Steve: That's a great way to get into radio.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You run yourself a mobile disco or you know, get involved with hospital radio...

Ricky: Yeah and the ladies come along, see the flashing lights and the big tunes and... see you and...

Steve: Go home.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: With a bloke

Steve: Wi- normally with a fella.

Ricky: A human.

Steve: But err... yeah anyway, moving on.

Ricky: Well coming up in today's show, as I said we've got uh all the- the greatest hits...

Steve: The "greatest tits"?

Ricky: Now you see-

Steve: That is what you said!

Ricky: Now I was gonna say that there'll be no swearing on today's show.

Steve: That's not swearing.

Ricky: No there's gonna be none at all, no profanity or filth or anything like that on today's show. There was too much last week and it's gotta be stopped, seriously.

Steve: What, the boss was it? Has he been knobbling you?

Ricky: No, higher authority than him.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What, the radio authority?

Ricky: No...

Steve: Have they been onto you? I tell you the reason is cos you were pushing it last week-

Ricky: No.

Steve: I'm no surprised-

Ricky: It was my mum... I gotta stop swearing.

Steve: (laughs) Why?

Ricky: Well it was her birthday, and I phoned her in the week, and she launched straight into it, I was- well listen, listen to this.

Steve: You- you taped your mum?

Ricky: Yeah, listen.

Phone rings

Ricky's mum: Yep?

Ricky: Happy Birthday.

Ricky's mum: Oh! Do you know, you don't half go far on your radio don't yer?

Ricky: What...

Ricky's mum: Your language my son!

Ricky: What?

Ricky's mum: Well, arse and piss and... c-u-n-t with the-

Ricky: I don't- I don't say it, no it's all bleeped out it's all electronically uh cleaned up.

Ricky's mum: Yeah, we know! You take it steady, I didn't bring you up that way!

Ricky: Yeah well I got it from you, you used to 'F' and 'C' all over the place when I was little.

Ricky's mum: No I didn't!

Ricky: Well you did- you used to come in, with a bottle of gin in one hand and a cigar in the other...

Ricky's mum: You lying git!

Ricky: Yeah no, from bingo right, you used to come in with the vicar, nick his sherry, you used to come in, effin' and blindin', you know I'm 5 years old, how am I meant to be-

Ricky's mum: You lying toad!

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: You're a lying toad!

Ricky: How old are ya?

Ricky's mum: Seventy-three.

Ricky: Seventy-three.

Ricky's mum: And I used to correct you in every way you spoke.

Ricky: Yeah?

Ricky's mum: You didn't learn a lot, got a real old Berkshire accent.

Ricky: Well yeah I wonder where that came from?

Ricky's mum: And that other bloke, tell him your handle is "Ricky".

Ricky: Why, what's the matter?

Ricky's mum: And it's not "Gervaiz", it's "Jervai".

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: So correct him when he's on the radio.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: Your handle is "Ricky".

Ricky: Yeah, d'you wanna give him a message cos I'm taping this.

Ricky's mum: (laughing) Oh, you ain't!

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky's mum: (telling someone else) He said "Do you wanna give a message cos I'm taping it!"

Song: Faith No More - From Out Of Nowhere

I'm In The Land Of The Brain Bottles

Ricky: Faith No More, From Out Of Nowhere, on XFM 104.9. Well.

Steve: Eh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Pathetic.

Ricky: What?

Steve: "Gervai"? Oh it's gotta be Ricky "Gervai"! "My mummy says it's gotta be Ricky Gervai!"

Ricky: You don't wanna get on the wrong side of her.

Steve: "Steve, don't call me Gervaiz anymore it's Ricky Gervai"!

Ricky: Honestly, you don't wanna wind her up.

Steve: And what's all that nonsense about "handle", your "handle" is "Ricky Gervai", wh- handle? What's she talking about?

Ricky: She was into CB wasn't she?

Steve: (laughs) What?

Ricky: Yeah. She was alot younger then, she was about 60 when it was at its peak and uh, she used to go 'round, saying things like "I'm in the land of the brain bottles, I'll be at eye for eyeball, pregnant rollerskate", all that sort of stuff, I didn't know what she was talking about. "What are you talking about, I'm in the pub." right. She used to have a gang.

Steve: (laughs) your mum?

Ricky: Yeah, used to- they were called the "Backyardies". They used to come out and you know, be in the garden.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know, doing a bit of gardening.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Crazy pavin'.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "'ere, help me with that rockery, Lil' Chill." That was her name.

Steve: Lil' Chill?

Ricky: Yeah that was next door, her name was Lill and she, you know, she married Mr. Chill. So she was Lil' Chill.

Steve: Heh.

Ricky: Yeah honestly, you don't wanna wind her up. We got an ad break then Radiohead and then the second half of the call, it gets, no, you'll know why I'm scared of her after this.

Song: Radiohead - No Surprises

How Do You Explain That Physique?

Ricky: It's funny right, cos I was in Crowley's show earlier - Gary Crowley, have you heard of Gary Crowley?

Ricky's mum: I dunno whether I have or not.

Ricky: Gary Crowley he's a DJ.

Ricky's mum: Oh.

Ricky: You'd better say yes you have cos he's gonna listen to this.

Ricky's mum: Yeah I've heard of him, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. (laughs) What d'you think of him?

Ricky's mum: Not bad.

They both laugh

Ricky's mum: But listen, we've taped all your last three weeks, I'm just gonna send it up to Larry today.

Ricky: Yeah?

Ricky's mum: For him to hear.

Ricky: Good.

Ricky's mum: You Go careful, you don't half go near the bone.

Ricky: (laughs) I bet you can't wait, you don't believe I'm gonna play this do ya?

Ricky's mum: (laughs) Not if there's any swearing on it you better not!

Ricky: Well you wouldn't swear would ya?

Ricky's mum: No! I never taught you to swear anyway.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: I used to correct you in everything you said and done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: Even to the T's in the "water".

Ricky: "Water"?

Ricky's mum: Remember? And the T's in the "butter".

Ricky: You've never had water.

Ricky's mum: No...

Ricky: Unless it's mixed in with beer.

Ricky's mum: No.

Ricky: Uh remember when you taught me to do the dustman's blow when you hold one nostril and blow it all out the others?

Ricky's mum: You filthy animal!

Ricky: (laughs) That's- you taught me that!

Ricky's mum: I did not!

Ricky: You used to come in, and you used to- if I was naughty you used to gob at me.

Ricky's mum: (telling someone else) He ain't half talking filth here!

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: You know I couldn't do that because things like that make me sick anyway.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky's mum: Yeah.

Ricky: I can't wait to play this on Sunday.

Ricky's mum: No, and I won't wait to get up there and get ya.

Ricky: Do us and ident, say: "Ricky Gervais is my son, on XFM."

Ricky's mum: Ricky Gervais is my son, on XFM?

Ricky: 104.9

Ricky's mum: 104.9?

Ricky: Yeah. That's it.

Ricky's mum: I think that's a nice Berkshire accent.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky's mum: (laughs)

Ricky: Right. Okay then, seventy-three!

Ricky's mum: Yeah don't tell everybody, they'll all wanna join in.

Ricky: Yeah um... alright then well I'll um...

Ricky's mum: Right.

Ricky: Seventy-three.

Ricky's mum: And you go careful, what you're saying.

Ricky: Alright then.

Ricky's mum: Right?

Ricky: See ya later.

Ricky's mum: Cheerio.

Ricky: Bye.

Ricky: So, no swearing Steve, yeah?

Steve: You are- I can't believe you're scared of your mum.

Ricky: I'm not scared of my mum.

Steve: You're scared of your mum!

Ricky: And you said I was drinking last night on the show, last time. I wasn't.

Steve: No you weren't- might not have been drinking, you were smoking.

Ricky: Oh, she knows I don't smoke.

Steve: Well no, she knows you don't smoke cigarettes.

Ricky: Don't! You don't know her, Steve.

Steve: ...eh? And what about the er, does she know about the steroids?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Eh? I mean how do you explain that physique when you go around to see her?

Ricky: She just thinks I work out alot.

Steve: Well, it just seems to me Gervais that, no swearing, on the Ricky Gervais show? I mean that's what's made our name! That's our bread and butter!

Ricky: "Butter" it is, there's two T's in "butter".

Steve: It just seems to me Gervais that you're compromising the show.

Ricky: I wouldn't-

Steve: You're compromising the show!

Ricky: I wouldn't compromise the show just cos my mum's listening! Here's Kenny Rogers.

Song: Kenny Rogers - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)

Song: Bran Van 3000 - Drinking in L.A.

They’re West Country

Ricky: Bran Van 3000 on XFM 104.9

Steve: Beautiful, Gervais. Are there any reasons, Gervais, for people to stay tuned- "Gervai" I should say. Any reasons for-

Ricky: Leave it.

Steve: Any reasons for-

Ricky: You don't know her.

Steve: Well. Any reasons Gervai... for people to (laughs) for people to stay tuned to the show?

Ricky: What, apart from Jesus and Mary Chain, Puff Daddy, The Smiths, Cure, still to come... what, Oasis, Blur...

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: Two pairs of Jesus and Mary Chain tickets to give away.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: And five pairs of wristbands for... Embrace.

Steve: Embrace wristbands?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What is that, sort of like a memento?

Ricky: You're an idiot aren't you?

Steve: Have I embarrassed myself?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What are they?

Ricky: They get you into the gig don't they.

Steve: Get you into the Embrace gig?

Ricky: It's like a ticket but you can't forge it, you can't photocopy a ticket.

Steve: That's incredible

Ricky: I mean a writband.

Steve: Well it's beautiful.

Ricky: Well you could.

Steve: Gervais we're gabbling.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We're gabbling. Gervais I've also got a great gag for you, it seems like we have a gag every week now, I've got a great gag for you. Plus Gervais, I have come up with the perfect murder. Perfect murder Gervais, later on XFM.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Listening to your mum earlier on...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's grea- old people are great. I'm not gonna lie to you, but I was just thinking cos she reminds me a lot of my uh, of my grandmother. My grandmother and my grandfather.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I went to see them fairly recently, it was beautiful, and I go round there and my grandad says to my grandmother things like you know um, "Oh turn the heating down Joan, would ya?" "Switch off the telly Joan..."

Ricky: Her name's not Joan, he's just lost it I take it.

Steve: Well, she- she- he calls her Joan,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: But her name's Irene.

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're joking!

Steve: Her name's Irene.

Ricky: Oh no, well he reall- oh, sorry.

Steve: But it's not senile, it's not- see that's the thing is you think he's senile or something, he's not, right, he calls her Joan, her name's Irene, right, I asked why, obviously, uh, he said um...

Ricky: He said "Well Dave, I'll tell ya."

Steve: (laughs) No it's absolutely true he's not senile, right, he calls her Joan right, because when they first met, he asked her "What's your name?" and she went "...Joan." Her name's Irene, she said "Joan". I said to her, "Why did you give him..."

Ricky: The plot thickens!

Steve: "Why did you give him a false name?" She said, "You can never be too sure".

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "You can never be too careful." That's as much as she's told me. Ridiculous! What did she think she was gonna achieve by giving him a false name? She didn't tell him right, that her real name was Irene until eight days before they got married. Incredible.

Ricky: That is fantastic.

Steve: I don't know wh- I mean-

Ricky: They're west country aren't they?

Steve: West country.

Ricky: Right. They should have known, they're presumably cousins weren't they?

Steve: (laughs) Don't start, Gervais.

Ricky: Okay. After the break, Jesus and Mary Chain and those tickets to give away.

Song: The Jesus and Mary Chain - Black

Song: PJ Harvey - Victory

Xfm 104.7?

Ricky: PJ Harvey and Victory on XFM 104.9, before that it was Black and Jesus and Mary Chain, don't forget I've got two pairs of tickets to give away

Penkish Joke of the Week

Ricky: um, well, uh..You've got a, joke

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: to tell us, haven't ya?

Steve: Gervais. seems like every week now we get a little gag in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's great isn't it? It's so sort of 'Capital' like. Don't you think it's very Penkish?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Ricky: nothing wrong with that

Steve is still laughing

Steve: Is that a-is that a verb?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: To Penk?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: To be penked?

Ricky: Yeah...if only his name was Penk I could

as Steve laughs

Ricky: finish my song off. right, go on.

Steve: Steve Penk

Ricky: Leave it. come on,

Steve: uhh, Gervais. You might of heard it before

Ricky: Go on

Steve: Heard it last night from some fella

Ricky: yeah

Steve: Why are, London busses red?

Ricky: ...go on

Steve: ...you'd be red, if you had to come every ten minutes

Ricky chuckles trying to stifle a laugh which eventually comes out

Steve laughs

Steve: what do you think?

Ricky still laughing

Ricky: uh, it's great

Steve: It's not bad is it?

Ricky is calming down

Ricky: no, it's good.

Steve: simple little joke.

Ricky: I like it.

Steve: eh?

Ricky: oh

Babies by Pulp starts