Tape 1 Side B/Transcript
This is a transcript of Tape 1 Side B, from Xfm Series 0.
What's His Handel?
Ricky: Ohh, and the comedian, it's fantastic. I've just gotta tell this again cos it was wonderful. Okay, so it gets through to the tie breaker, the two couples are at the end, it's from like about 1979, and they're dressed like it, d'you know what I mean? These are just like people that- ohh... they're amazing. Um, they make you look- no, they're still better than you. Um, and he goes, "Okay, both pairs, fingers on the buzzers. He goes, "Right, Ted," Gets the envelope and he goes, "Right, okay, fingers on the buzzers?" "Yep, ready." "German composer but british born." He looks around... no, noone knows.
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: So he goes, "Most famous for his Messiah." ...no. Right, third clue, "What is his Handel?"
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Right? One of them will go "BZZZT!" she goes, "Oh, we did this at school." He goes, "Well you're nearly there!" She goes, "Oh God, it was Handel's Water Music." He went, "So what's the composer's name?" she went, "Chopin."
Both laugh
Ricky: He went, "I'm gonna have to throw it across." Buzzes in, this bloke goes, "Is it Beethoven?"
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Ohh, isn't that fantastic? Ohh.
Steve: Why- I mean you've mentioned to me 3-2-1 in the past.
Ricky: Oh it's fantastic.
Steve: They deliberately got on the worst contestants ever.
Ricky: Well no, they just weren't bright. Have you seen the clues though?
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: "I am a car, and not a bin. Or am I? Holiday Inn." "Um, we'll reject that one." "Well it says uh, we are a car but if you reverse 'car' and change some of the letters-" "It's bin, hard luck. Tough shit you lost. Sorry."
Steve: Well see, why is it we don't go on those shows and clean up?
Ricky: I know.
Steve: Cos catchphrase is the other one-
Ricky: What, getting a job as a caretaker on-
Steve: Catchphrase you'll see a cloud with a silver lining and they'll say "Up the garden path."
Ricky: (laughs) (imitates Roy Walker) "No, it's not- it's a good answer."
Steve: "It's a good answer but it's not quite right. I wish I could give you the money out of my own pocket but I can't."
Ricky: Ohh, they're fantastic. There was another one right, um, when he was asking them questions, and they're playing for pounds and they get like a maximum of ten questions and that multiplies, so it was um, "Okay, let's have a go, um, we're looking for words in the english language beginning with IN." So he'll go "We'll start with that one." "Industrial." Back and forth, then he goes um, "Asian country." right, this bloke went, "Iran."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: He went, "No, no." He said, "I was confused about that one, it is in fact in the Middle East." Forgetting the fact that it started with IR!
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: And he came back about 10 minutes later and went, "Oh, of course and also it doesn't start with IN." So the floor manager'd been, "Ted, you thick- look... what d'you mean? What d'you mean? Sympathising with him." Ohh...
Steve: Gervais, what's your favourite um, It'll Be Alright On The Night clip?
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: From- I'm talking about all sort of 58 shows that they must have done.
Ricky: Now that is difficult, let me see.
Steve: See I'm wondering if it is that one with Mr. Chips from Catchphrase tossing off, have you seen that one?
Ricky: (laughing) No.
Steve: Yeah it's great, cos it's just an error and it makes it look as though he's tossing off, but he's not, and I dunno what it is. Um, but I bet- I dunno what um... what the catchphrase is.
Ricky: Um,
Steve: 01715802000
Ricky: Mr. Chips is coming to dinner?
Tender hooks
Ricky: Another bit of him doing his standup in America, oh God it's so nauseating. He's got another series apparently. Does anyone like Lenny Henry? 01- obviously, he's a massive star. Does anyone listening to this show,
Steve: Really like Lenny Henry?
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Or, is there anyone that annoys me more than Lenny Henry? Uh- I should answer that one shouldn't I?
Steve: (laughs) Yes.
Ricky: Do I win a prize?
Steve: I think what you want to do there is uh, you wanna sort of, you wanna speak correctly!
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: It's another simple thing Gervais which will help you out in your radio career.
Ricky: Ohh no, um, Swervedriver that's 3 minutes 41, I've gotta pick one 7 minutes to the news...
Steve: Gervais, whoa whoa, before you move on-
Ricky: Hmmm...
Steve: Can I just tell you-
Ricky: 3 and a half minutes...
Steve: You know we talked about celebrities and going to school with celebrities and things?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um, I have a very famous 2nd cousin.
Ricky: Really?
Steve: Yeah, I'm gonna tell you who it is in a minute.
Ricky: Really?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And I've got the best joke in the world!
Steve: Have you?
Ricky: I should have been trailing that, that'd kept them on their tender hooks! Why are they sitting on tender hooks?
Steve: So we've got um-
Ricky: What are "tender hooks"?
Steve: I think it's "tenterhooks". I don't know what they are but I don't think it's tend-
Ricky: What are- okay. 0171, who annoys me more than Lenny Henry, no one, you've won that one, so don't bother phoning in.
Steve: But who annoys you the listener more than Lenny Henry?
Ricky: Yeah. Oh that's a good one!
Steve: Clever.
Ricky: Cos then it's throwing it to them and it's their opinion.
Steve: It's simple.
Ricky: Ohh!
Steve: Simple things, Gervais.
Ricky: Excellent.
Steve: 017- I noticed again you didn't bother to give the whole phone number.
Ricky: What did I say?
Steve: You actually just said "0171".
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: It used to be as I recall, 0171580 which is about half of it but no, just 0171 now.
Ricky: Ohh.
Song: Swervedriver -
How Are They Gonna Phone In A Drawing?
Steve: Gervais, you know last week we started a competition where people had to send in photographs or pictures or anything,
Ricky: Oh yeah?
Steve: Um, if- I would show them to you indiscriminantly during the show and see if you would laugh,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Got the first one here, from Michael in Crouch End,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: (shows Ricky the picture) Alright?
Ricky: (laughing) You liar, that wasn't him!
Steve: Well it could have been.
Ricky: You did that.
Steve: I did that myself.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: But that's the idea.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Fax them- can I just say fax them-
Ricky: Ohh, God.
Steve: Fax-
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: I'll admit, I drew that one-
Ricky: Right.
Steve: But wait a minute, wait a minute-
Ricky: And I can never, I- not only could I not tell them what it was, I could never explain it well enough,
Steve: No, there's nothing you could do to explain that picture.
Ricky: No!
Steve: Suffice to say, if you've got a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh and we will hopefully give a prize to somebody somewhere during the show, 01-
Ricky: It's specifics like that that make this show the sort of-
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: D'you know what I mean?
Steve: The vague promise that there might be a prize.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Anyway, if you have a picture that you think can make Gervais laugh, 0171580-
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Shut up, I'm trying to give the number here. 0171580-
Ricky: That's enough!
Steve: 1234.
Ricky: That's the fax number.
Steve: Tha- yeah exactly, how are they gonna phone in a drawing?
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: It's simple things, Gervais, that let you down.
I Had Turned Into Jimmy Saville
Ricky: So I'm there, with runny eyes, I'm tired, I'm a little but drunk, I'm in a white tracksuit with shades on, I had turned into Jimmy Saville.
Steve: (laughs) You'd just become Jimmy.
Ricky: Yeah, and I saw these kids looking at me thinking, "Aww, bless him." They were going, "You alright?" "(grunts) Where's the toilet?" "You've done it!" "(grunts)" ..."Dear Jimmy, I am 4 years old, and I have a terminal illness. Can you fix it for me to live a long and healthy life?" "Well, no, but we have arranged it for you to do a duet with Mr. Shakin' Stevens.""
Steve: Hooray!
Ricky: Wheey! "I feel sick." "This old house, do it you little ba-" "I feel sick mummy, it's the treatment." Anyway,
Steve: (laughs) "What's behind the green door? A cure? No."
Ricky: No, no, "He's for comas. He's not for terminal illness." He gets people out of comas doesn't he, Shakin' Stevens?
Steve: Does he?
Ricky: He does, apparently, loads of kids in the 80s, they're all on there, all these people going, "Oh yeah and she was in a coma and we played Shakin' Stevens 24 hours a day and she-" I'd come out of it if someone- "Turn that... shit off!" D'you know what I mean? Who would you least like to visit you if you were in a coma?
Steve: Ooh, crumbs.
Ricky: Imagine it, right, you're in a coma, yeah, you're in a catatonic- you've got all your senses. You've got all your senses except sight. You can't do a thing, right? And you've got someone there to come and visit you, you're helpless, you can't move,
Steve: I'm just sort of lying on the bed,
Ricky: You can't say anything,
Steve: Helpless.
Ricky: But you can feel the- I tell you who I wouldn't want to visit me, Jason Donovan.
Steve: No, I wouldn't want Jason.
Ricky: He's not- I don't like his voice.
Steve: No.
Ricky: Or Philip Schofield, I don't like his singing voice.
Steve: No. Andi Peters.
Ricky: I haven't heard him sing.
Steve: No but I wouldn't want him round. I wouldn't want him round.
Ricky: Really, why?
Steve: No, I dunno there's just something about him. Just something about him.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Wouldn't want him there.
Ricky: Um anyway, we've got some Skunk Anansie coming up now.
Steve: Larry Grayson's welcome.
Ricky: And I tell you who else is- Village People. I love them.
Steve: Bring the 4 of them round.
Ricky: "YMC-" 4 of them? What one d'you wanna leave out? There was 5 of them.
Steve: No there wasn't!
Ricky: There was 5 of them!
Steve: There was 4!
Ricky: There wer 5 Village People.
Steve: 4 Village- everyone knows there's 4 Village People.
Ricky: Really?
Steve: Alright, wait a minute, so there's a fire- no hang on, there's a road cop,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um, there's a red indian obviously.
Ricky: Obviously, yeah.
Steve: There's a construction worker, and there's something else, something- a chef? No, a candle-
Ricky: A chef?!
Steve: A candlestick maker!
Ricky: Ohh, that's great innit? Yeah, a tailor, at the back with those little half-moon glasses, "YMCA!" Doing a little bit of sewing.
Steve: Who was it- hang on, wait a minute, there was a fire chief-
Ricky: What are you on about? No is there- was there a fire chief?
Steve: No it wasn't a fire chief, there was a police- play a record we'll figure it out.
Ricky: The black guy was a road co- uh, traffic cop,
Steve: There was a policeman, yeah.
Ricky: There was a red indian, obviously.
Steve: Obviously.
Ricky: Um, uh, Native American.
Steve: Yeah, there was a construction worker,
Ricky: Yeah. With a moustache... Cowboy! Cowboy.
Steve: Was there?
Ricky: Yeah, 'course there was a cowboy.
Steve: Was there?
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: Well who was the fifth one then?
Ricky: I don't know if there was, I might have made that up, maybe I just dreamt one. I thought maybe a bloke dressed up as Judy Garland.
Song: Skunk Anansie -
Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine
Lizoidian
Ricky: Steve's singing along there to Babybird.
Steve: Shalalala...
Ricky: Which is ironic because when you sing, you're putting your head back and your mouth's open, you look like a baby bird.
Steve: Do I?
Ricky: Yeah cos the long neck and that sort of goiter thing youve got, you look like a sort of fledgling... pelican.
Steve: And the worms of course, hanging from my mouth.
Ricky: Yeah. But it's ironic as well because- cos you're like a lizoidian as well,
Steve: (laughs) Is that a real word?
Ricky: (laughing) No! No.
Steve: "Cos you're a 'lizoidian'!" Oh right, of course.
Ricky: (laughs) Don't! Cos I use- I sometimes forget that they're not real words.
Steve: You sometimes forget that you- your language comes from the voices inside your head!
Ricky: (laughs) No listen-
Steve: "I use my own language! They tell me what to say and I say it."
Ricky: No listen, you're sort of like a hmm, little, "Myeeehh", little bird-like lizoidian thing, right, which is like the Archaeopteryx, like the link between- before sort of lizard-man... turned flight! (laughs)
Steve: Goodness me.
Ricky: They've kicked in again. They've kicked in early. They're not meant to start for about an hour.
Steve: What, the voices?
Ricky: No, the tablets. Right, go on.
Song: R.E.M. - Superman
YOU FAT IMBECILE
Steve: The argument was, what should people put on their casette tape compilation inlay card,
Ricky: It's illegal!
Steve: Which they're not allowed to do,
Ricky: It's illegal!
Steve: I agree they're not allowed to do that,
Ricky: Right.
Steve: But, I was offer- you asked me to tell them what they should put down, right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I'm telling you, the track we played was recorded by REM.
Ricky: Yes it was.
Steve: Not Clique.
Ricky: No, that's right.
Steve: So don't write "Clique" down.
Ricky: No, no, write "REM" down.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: How are you spelling that?
Steve: That's correct.
Ricky: How are you spelling that?
Steve: That's capital R, capital E, capital M.
Ricky: Right.
Steve: Right? And, you wanna put down the name of the track as recorded by REM.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They've called it Superwoman, right? I don't care if it's really called Superman in the world of the Clique,
Ricky: Hold on, I'll stop you there!
Steve: In the world of the Clique it might be-
Ricky: You don't care if it's really- why are we having this argument, you do care or you wouldn't be arguing!
Steve: No-
Ricky: You do care- no no no-
Steve: No, you're saying I'm wrong!
Ricky: You are!
Steve: I'M NOT WRONG!
Ricky: IT'S CALLED SUPERMAN!
Steve: ONLY BY THE CLIQUE IT'S CALLED SUPERMAN,
Ricky: NO!
Steve: BY REM IT'S CALLED SUPERWOMAN!
Ricky: No! They can't-
Steve: Yes it is!
Ricky: They can't change-
Steve: THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT!
Ricky: Sometimes! Sometimes they call it Superman, make your mind up at least!
Steve: They call it Superwoman!
Ricky: Are you sure they're called REM, or have they changed that?
Steve: THEY CALL IT SUPERWOMAN YOU TOSSER!
Ricky: How are you spelling that?
Steve: That's S-U-P-E-R-W-O-M-A-N. YOU IDIDOT, YOU FAT IMBECILE.
The Ciabatta Brothers
Steve: Friday night, you'll love this, I went to a party. Got invited to a party a genuine-
Ricky: Hold on, hold on, that was an afterthought, you said "I went to a party" then you suddenly went, "I got invited to a party."
Steve: ...What?
Ricky: Did you get invited to it or did you just go to it?
Steve: I got invited to a party. I went to a party.
Ricky: Oka- well, which is it?
Steve: I was at a party on Friday night, right,
Ricky: Okay, right, okay.
Steve: And it was people I know, it was up in north London, I live in south, um, not that that's particularly important, and uh ,
Ricky: Not particularly.
Steve: What I'm saying is, I left my-
Ricky: Yeah, you weren't in your- what you're saying is, you weren't where you pay rent.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: No.
Steve: So I got there, and there was a few people there I didn't relly know, and I got introduced to this girl, Christine, right, and I'll be honest with you, I don't know if anything might have happened,
Ricky: (sniggers)
Steve: D'you know what I mean, all I'm saying is we were getting on well, things were happening, alright, we were having a chat,
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: All- hey, Gervais, see, you're interested already.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Anyway, she wanted a packet of fags, right, and a few other people wanted a little bit of grub or whatever cos it was late night, it was about 1 in the morning,
Ricky: Could I just- when you say she wanted a pack of fags, did she say, "Oh, I'd love to talk to you all night but I've gotta go and get these cigarettes."
Steve: No, no-
Ricky: Right, go on, sorry, I won't interrupt again.
Steve: We were going on well, and she said, "packet of fags" so I went over- the guy told me- who runs the party or who had the party, he said "There's a 24-hour little sort of supermarket thing,"
Ricky: You went for her, did ya?
Steve: What?
Ricky: You went for her, did ya?
Steve: I went on her behalf. Right, to the supermarket place, one of those little sort of 24-hour 7-11 places-
Ricky: Yeah, I get the picture.
Steve: So I go there, I'm gonna buy the fags, and people wanted stuff, few sausage rolls and all sorts of stuff, so I'm there and I've got all my stuff, right, and it's quite late, but there's two blokes in the place, and um, I dunno where they were fro- I think they were from Italy but I can't be certain but anyway they caused a bit of a ruckus cos they were after some ciabattas, uh they were saying, (in an accent) "I want two ciabattas. I want two-" Dunno whether that's Italian.
Ricky: Uh, no I'd say that was sort of like Kenyan.
Steve: Right. Okay but anyway they were- yeah. Anyway they went "Two ciabattas." They were causing a bit of a rumpus they were saying "No, not those, no. How much are they, how much are they?" "Those are a pound" "What are you talking about, a pound? I'm not paying for those, I'll have those." So anyway they got their ciabattas-
Ricky: Turkish, maybe...
Steve: They went up to the counter and the fella who was next to me in the queue, he'd put down a jar of coffee, right, so anyway the fellas "Oh, ciabattas... pound for the ciabattas..." And there were two of them there, they're brothers. And he puts the ciabattas in the carrier bag and he picks up the coffee as well, secretes that in the bag, right, walks out.
Ricky: What, the Italian bloke nicking someone else's coffee?
Steve: He stole someone's coffee, right, there in plain view! So he gets outside and the shopkeeper says "Whoa, wait, whoa whoa wait a minute, come back in, mate, whoa. You picked up this fella's coffee." "What? What are you accusing me of? What are you saying, what you accusing me of? You say I'm stealing?" "Well no-"
Ricky: Definitely Turkish. Probably works in a prison.
Steve: (laughs) "Stealing? What, you accuse me of stealing? You accusing me?" And the fella's saying "Well-" And he says "look in the bag, look in the bag, ciabattas. Where the coffee?" I'll be honest with you, he'd hidden it outside. He'd already got rid of it, he was smooth!
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So anyway now he's getting a bit violent, "Oh, ciabattas, well... ciabattas, they're not very nice ciabattas, I eat them, they're not nice, you accuse me of stealing coffee-" He's pushing things off the counter, he's throwing the ciabattas everywhere, right,
Ricky: Really?
Steve: And it's terrible, um, and-
Ricky: Was he smashing plates?
Steve: (laughing) He wasn't smashing plates.
Ricky: No cos I'm just getting a hint from the accent- go on, sorry, yeah,
Steve: So anyway he's accusing- "You accuse me, you accuse me?" And he starts- it looks like there's gonna be a fight, Gervais, I'll be honest with you. I'm nervous, right,
Ricky: 'Course you are.
Steve: Cos I'm stood next to him in the queue, I'm thinking "Any minute he's gonna turn round, 'What you looking at, fish monster?'".
Ricky: Yeah they sent you out cos they thought you wouldn't get attacked.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: You know, how ironic, yeah?
Steve: I sort of- I edged backwards towards the frozen goods section,
Ricky: Yeah, your fin against the fridge.
Steve: I'm hid- I'll be honest I was hiding- I'm not gonna lie to you I was- I'm a coward!
Ricky: Really?
Steve: So anyway the ciabatta broth- The Ciabatta Brothers,
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: They're causing a bit of a rumpus, and it's all going on, so they decide to call the police, the shopkeepers, right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Well now the Ciabatta Brothers were nervous, so they're going, "No, it's alright, don't- keep the ciabattas, we're not paying for them, I don't want my money back, it's alright." And so they move towards the door,
Ricky: Probably spent some time in Delhi as well.
Steve: A little fella, he's barricaded the door! He's used some display units, he's barricaded it, right?
Ricky: Fantastic.
Steve: So they're trying- The Ciabatta Brothers are tryna get out, they can't cos he's holding them off, they can't get out, they're smashing the place up, really just throwing things on the floor, and he's going to me, "Help me, help me keep the door closed."
Ricky: He's from Italy as well?
Steve: (laughs) I think he was.
Ricky: Yeah. Probably relat- go on, yeah.
Steve: He's saying "Help me keep the door closed." I'm saying, "Well you know, I can't, the... the leg and everything..."
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: "I can't help out. I've just gotta be over here-"
Ricky: "The dialysis machine, if I don't get back the battery runs out, I've gotta-" yeah.
Steve: So anyway eventually the Ciabatta Brothers, they actually knock the stuff over and they get out the door and they leg it off down the road,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And anyway, it's terrible, commotion, the food and stuff everywhere, the shopkeeper's in tears, it was absolutely terrible,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And everybody left, right, and I said, "Can I just pay for my goods and these fags, and go please?" And he went, "No, shop closed, shop closed, we can't serve you." And I went, "Listen, I've just been stood here, I almost got in a fight, I want to pay for my goods."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And he was in tears, "I can't-"
Ricky: He just want- he's probably selfish, wanting to shut the shop just cos he'd been like, robbed and be-
Steve: And attacked.
Ricky: Yeah, and then you'd been waiting there patiently, not helping,
Steve: Yeah! Exactly.
Ricky: You must have been there for about 10 minutes not helping!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He should have served you before then, really, before the fight.
Steve: It was crazy, so anyway, I demanded-
Ricky: That's terrible isn't it?
Steve: I demanded he serve me, I bought everything,
Ricky: Was he crying as he served you?
Steve: He was. He was crying. I left the shop, got back to the party, Christine had gone.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: Cos I got caught up in some bloody Dog Day Afternoon scenario, I missed out on a possible "How's your father".
Ricky: When you say poss- um,
Steve: Well I missed out on a fag at least.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And the let down of her saying face to face, "No."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Know what I mean? At least there's a little bit of hope when you get back and go "Here's your Bensons, ooh, d'you wanna drink?" "Uh, yeah there's a little 7-11 just... the other side, you go across the road, you go the other way.", "I'll be about 10 minutes love."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Aww...
Steve: It didn't happen for me.
Ricky: (sighs) It will.
Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations
Steve: A gameshow, right, that I came up with, okay, and it features me but I think it could be perhaps a vehicle for yourself, Gervais.
Ricky: Yeah? What's it called?
Steve: I was gonna tell- it's called- basically it's called "Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations".
Ricky: Right.
Steve: And-
Ricky: I like it already.
Steve: You like it already?
Ricky: Because there's a part in there for me.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Could I play the... Ricky Gervais?
Steve: Yes. (laughs) Yeah,
Ricky: Fantastic!
Steve: It was originally called uh- basically, let me just summarise very briefly, I'm not gonna tell you all the games, but there is- it's basically recreating the heady days of the war.
Ricky: Right. That is fantastic.
Steve: It's beautiful already isn't it? It's got the nostalgia theme.
Ricky: I've got a game aswell-
Steve: But it's called- it was originally gonna be called "Ricky Gervais' Fag Rations" but apparently cigarettes weren't rationed in the war.
Ricky: Weren't they?
Steve: So it's called "Meat Rations" now.
Ricky: Excellent.
Steve: And uh, I tell you there's some great games, my favourite is um, oh no, what's it called, um, "To be perfectly Anne Frank"
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: It's a great game, it really is, it's a great game where you've gotta pretend to be Anne Frank and hide from sort of snooping Nazis.
Ricky: Oh, that is fantastic.
Steve: It's a great game, and there's also of course- well let me go into it, there's also uh, "Dig for Granny"
Ricky: Good.
Steve: Well uh, "Dig For Victory" if you like, and what- you're scavenging through rubble, right, and if you find-
Ricky: Can I just say, these are copyright, anyone trying to rip me off, I mean, I've got the "Penis Puppet Theatre",
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I've got a stake in this surely, haven't I?
Steve: 'Course, certainly, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.
Ricky: You can have a bit of my Penis Puppet Theatre.
Steve: That's lovely.
Ricky: Yeah? And I've also got a new game that I'll talk about after, after yours, it's called "Tip The Balance", and it's sort of like a game for 4, and it comes- I'll send it off to Waddingtons, see what you think, I mean there's- there's... there's teething problems with it-
Steve: Okay, well this- Gervais, look-
Ricky: Let's play Don't Fear The Reaper,
Steve: Let's play that tune,
Ricky: By Blue Oyster and his Cult,
Steve: It's a classic.
Ricky: Yeah, and then we'll come back and we'll try and make some money.
Steve: Let's make some cash.
Song: Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper
Who's Snork?
Ricky: There must be some sort of fun with like, gas masks,
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: When you could all put the on and dress up as like, I dunno, one of the Banana Splits.
Steve: Yeah, um, what could that be? "Gas-"
Ricky: "Who's Snork?"
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah. Well, possibly.
Ricky: So every week there's the real Snork.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: So it's like, contestants come on, they put the-
Steve: Clever.
Ricky: "Which one's Snork?"
Steve: Which one's Snork?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So you've got three celebrities,
Ricky: Yeah, who've got gas masks, and the real Snork.
Steve: That's great.
Ricky: So you've got someone like Ted Moultson, he pops one on, you got Frank Bruno, yeah, and Jilly Cooper,
Steve: That's it.
Ricky: And they put their mask on, and like a little outfit, and then the real Snork is there and you've gotta ask them questions, like you'd get like Bernie Winters and Henry Cooper going "Um, number 3, um how long you been in the Banana Splits?"
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: And Jilly Cooper Goes, "Oh, about six years." He goes, "Oh, I don't- no I think the Banana splits have been going longer than that. no I don't think it's number 3, um what do you think?" And Bernie Winters goes, "Hmm, number 1..."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: "Number 1, uh... how did you get the job, being in Banana Splits?" And it's probably Ted Moultson going, "Oh, I answered an advert in the paper." "That's not right, they were born-" D'you know what I mean?
Steve: And it's Chas and Dave in the corner just going, (to the tune of the Banana Splits) "Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, NAH NAH NAH NAH, YEAH!"
Ricky: Where the real Snork's- and the lights go, and the one stands up and he sits back down again, and then the real Snork- and the others take their mask off. And he goes, "Lovely Jilly Cooper, what are you doing?" "Well I'm uh, I'm appearing in Puss In Boots down in Brighton." "Oh, that'll be fantastic."
Steve: Wait a minute...
Ricky: What?
Steve: "Jilly Cooper"?
Ricky: What does she- oh she's a novelist!
Steve: She's a novelist.
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.
Steve: Now appearing in panto?
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: I'm not letting you book the guests.
Ricky: Oh God.
Steve: But wait a minute, I mean I love your idea,
Ricky: Yeah?
Steve: "Who's Snork?"
Ricky: Yeah. (laughs)
Steve: It's a bit odd, isn't it, how it started off with a kind of, wartime nostalgia show, but now we've featured sort of quite bad 70s animal things.
Ricky: Nothing wrong with the uh, Banana Splits.
Steve: But I like that, that's a good game.
Ricky: Yeah, okay, that can be like the special feature can't it?
Steve: So I'm just gonna make a note of it, so we've got "Dig For Victory", "To Be Perfectly Anne Frank", and uh-
Ricky: And "Who's Snork."
Steve: "Who's Snork."
Ricky: Yeah. Well I'm full of ideas, I could probably help you on this.
Steve: Oh this is great, what I'm just tryna- well maybe we'll come up with some other ideas as we go on.
Ricky: Yeah we've still got Tip the Balance to go.
Steve: You know, can I just say, I did actually once try and pitch this. You know when I went appeared on Blockbusters,
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Well I obviously met with the producer there, and I said "I've got an idea for you."
Ricky: Have we talked about this on air?
Steve: We've talked about me on Blockbusters.
Ricky: Have we?
Steve: But not about my pitching this game.
Ricky: No go on, go on.
Steve: And I said to her, "Sit down," I said "I got a great idea." And I tried to bill it with me as the star! She said, "Who are you?"
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: "Steve's Meat Rations?" She said, "Why are you in it?" I said, "I am. Don't worry, I'm the only one who can pull it off."
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And she said, "Well go on, what is it?" And at that time, I had none of the games.
Ricky: (laughs)
Steve: All I had was the title. And she went, "I like it, what are the games?" "I- Hmm... dunno."
Ricky: Ohh. If you'd have just said "Well I'll stop you there, love." And just popped a gas mask on, and said "Who am I?"
Steve: She'd have gone "Snork!" "Nah nah nah-"
Ricky: "No, it's not!"
Jezoc!
Ricky: I used to write, when I was at school.
Steve: Oh, yeah?
Ricky: Um, now I didn't watch sort of kids' programs when I was growing up, I watched sort of crap, adult ones. You know what I mean, ITV on the telly from 12 midday, through to like, midnight. And I'd watch all the police series.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Um, Police Story, uhh, Charlie's Angels, Steve Austin,
Steve: "Teen Knight Rider".
Ricky: "Teen Knight Rider", yeah. And I wrote this essay at school and I just couldn't stop, and I started serialising it, and every time I just kept writing it, people were reading it at school, and it was about a cop, a New York Cop, who was hard as f- you know what I mean?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And I worked out what his name was, now I just- God... this is how television influences me, cos it was one word name which was his surname, that was the title of the book, title of the series, and that's what all his friends called him. Wait till you- right... (clears throat) It was called Jezoc.
Steve: (laughs) "Jezoc"?
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: "Jezoc".
Ricky: Yeah, I thought it had a "Zuh", and a "Cuh", and a "Juh". Jezoc.
Steve: Jezoc.
Ricky: Yeah. D'you know what I mean?
Steve: It does sound so close to like, "pillock", or "Jessie",
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Or "Nonce".
Ricky: No- no, "nonce"? There's no "nonce".
Steve: Well, d'you know what I mean... Jezoc!
Ricky: It's a cross between sort of like, "pillock" and "jism".
Steve: "Damn you, Jezoc!"
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: "You're off the case!"
Ricky: "Gimme the badge!" "Keep the stinkin' badge, I don't need a badge to be a cop." It was all stuff like that, and he'd burst- yeah, yeah, and he'd sort of look at his gun and go, "This is my law!" You know what I mean?
Steve: "My God, it's Jezoc! How did he find us?"
Ricky: (laughs) Jezoc! Yeah. It was great, there'd be shootouts and everything. Ohh, fantastic.
Steve: Let me just ask, was he- did he perhaps have a broken marriage, he was hard-boiled, he played by his own rules,
Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
Steve: Didn't he? I imagine.
Ricky: Simultaneous with this-
Steve: He was a bit of a drunkard as well, had a bit of a drink problem.
Ricky: No he didn't drink, no. He was a good looking fella, um-
Steve: But he was letting himself go, he was a bit hard-bitten.
Ricky: Yeah. And the other thing I was sort of simultaneous- it was more of a novel, I wasn't gonna serialise it I was actually writing a novel and I got three exercise books, right, um, it was about this kid, right? (laughs) Oh God... right, he saw his parents just brutally murdered for no reason by a gang of outlaws, yeah? And he buried his father, and he knelt down on the grave, and he said- looked up and he goes, "As God is my witness, I will avenge thee."
Steve: (laughs)
Ricky: And then he sort of went to the store and he got loads of bullets and he practised, and he was the fastest gun- he was only about sixteen.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: His name was Jody Barnes.
Steve: (laughs) Jody Barnes is alright, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. Good innit?
Steve: That's nice.
Ricky: Yeah. Ohh, fantastic.
Steve: Have you still got any of those exercise books?
Ricky: (laughs) I hope not!
Steve: That'd be incredible.
Ricky: Cos the teachers used to sort of like, I imagine them going "Yeah, it's good." I imagine them passing them round the uh, "He's done another one! Gervais has written another episode of Jezoc!"
Steve: But seriously, if you brought one of those in and read it out, I'd be entranced.
Ricky: (laughs) Imagine it!
Steve: Seriously that'd be great! D'you think your mum might-
Ricky: The ramblings of a twisted 14 year old brain that only ever watched ITV cop shows.
Steve: Do you think your mum might still have some copies?
Ricky: No-
Steve: Of Jezoc?
Ricky: No! (laughs)
Steve: Was it like- Wasn't it like Jezoc Abroad, Jezoc in Paris, Jezoc on Safari
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Here comes Jezoc.
Ricky: My mum used-
Steve: Return of Jezoc.
Ricky: "I likes that Jezoc, he's a proper man."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: "He's not like you." "But mum, I invented Jezoc!" "You're a nancy, you couldn't be like Jezoc." "He's in my mind!"
Steve: Return of Jezoc, Here comes Jezoc, Son of Jezoc.
Ricky: Ohh, it's fantastic. What if Jezoc met Jody Barnes, they'd get on. They'd had no quarrels.
Steve: They could team up.
Ricky: Oh it'd be fantastic, after the break, little bit of uh, "La's".
Steve: Teen Jezoc.
Song: The La's -