04 May 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 04 May 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

The Queen Mum Used To Have A Right Mouth On Her

Ricky: ...go on there Steve...

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Stone Roses on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Karl Pilkington for the last time...

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: I'm afraid. So um, you know we're gonna have a little bit of a chat with sowing up some things with Karl, we're giving away that prize, that BAFTA bag and you know...

Steve: Playing some great music.

Ricky: And we'll just, I mean I'm bringing in my favourite tunes, I'm bringing The Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classics. Steve's doing the same.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: erm, well Karl, last time for, er, yeah, apparently, erm, someone's got it a bit wrong, we're not actually away for 6 weeks, we're away for about 2 months, so we'll be back in August won' we?

Karl: Bloody hell.

Ricky: Yeah... no don't swear.

Steve: yeah that's outrageous.

Ricky: On the last show you have to say that.

Steve: Already bought the tone down.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cheapened it.

Ricky: And I think it's blasphemous as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: No it's not 'hell' isn't is it?.

Steve: Isn't it?

Ricky: No, don't think-that's not blasphemy is it.

Steve: Taking hell's name in vain?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah but what was it you were saying the other week about how the Queen Mum used to have a right mouth on her?

Ricky: What?

Karl: No.

Steve: I don't we said that on air Karl...

Ricky: What?

Karl: No but, last week you...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Were saying about that bad language, and i was saying ah, it, they'll, you know there'll come a time when bad language isn't, doesn't, you know matter anymore, you can 'eff and jeff' and stuff.

Ricky: Oh, I know what he's talking about Steve.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home, erm Karl was worried about swearing and as a joke, off-air, it was last week, we were saying that, erm, the Qu-, in the 1940s and 50s the Queen mum used to say things like that, and we were quoting things she'd said.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But but putting 'F's and 'C's in there, and you believed us.

Steve: What? So this whole week, you've believed that we somehow, somehow had knowledge that the...

Ricky: Queen Mum used to say...

Steve: Used to swear like a trooper?

Ricky: We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice, but putting in 'F's and 'C's and you believed us. I mean i didn't even think, I mean, I thought you were going along with the joke but it obviously made an impact...

Steve: Karl! We've said this, you've got to question and query everything, you can't take things at face value, certainly not if they come out of the mouths of Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Oh right.

Ricky: Yeah, sorry about that Karl, that was a little, a little trick.

Karl: Oh..

Steve: Is there any other things now that as you look back over this time we've...

Ricky: Is there anything we've said that as you think about I can tell you now that was a lie?

Steve: Anything you've maybe queried or questioned, and thought that doesn't sound right, that maybe Ricky's told you?

Karl: Something might come to me...

Steve: Okay.

Karl: ...later on but...

Ricky: Okay, but what about, Karl, I mean, we love you, right obviously we know that, and we've got great affection for you we look forward to this, I'm gonna miss you really, but and I'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold, now wait till you see what the record is Steve...what I've done.

Steve: Is it Heart of Gold?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Brilliant, brilliant. Alright, that's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sony's.

Ricky: I don't get up for bronze, I don't get out of bed for bronze.

Steve: That was a waste of our time.

Song: Neil Young - Heart of Gold

A Bronze Is Pointless

Ricky: Karl Pilkington over there, there, on Xfm 104.9, winner of a bronze award.

Steve: At the Sony's...

Ricky: ...at the Sony's

Steve: The radio awards.

Ricky: ...the radio Oscars so Phill Jupitus said.

Steve: Man alive.

Ricky: That's what he called them on Liquid News.

Steve: I'll tell you this Rick, I'm not used to being on a table with losers, at an awards ceremony.

Ricky: No, I'm this, I'm glad, I didn't want to come in to do the final show.

Steve: Nah.

Ricky: You know, i went straight over and sat with Pete and Geoff, didn't i? From Radio 4, went over with Paul Gambaccini.

Steve: I went over to BBC World Service.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know it's lot funkier, lot cooler .

Ricky: Yeah, won an award.

Steve: Yeah, they swept the boards.

Ricky: Yeah, i don't, bronze is nowhere.

Steve: What was the mood, er, over here.

Ricky: Silver's, silver's...what was the mood here?

Karl: The mood, err.

Steve: Cos the day after, cos people, well let me tell you now I think Xfm deserve an award, and I thought it was criminal actually.

Ricky: But what i did like about, we certainly had the room, cos Pete and Geoff said good luck to us and Christian, that was really nice, and then someone else mentioned us.

Karl: James Nesbitt.

Ricky: James Nesbitt said 'oh er Xfm and stuff' so we certainly had the...

Karl: Paul Gambourchini said something about it.

Ricky: Yeah so...

Steve: Did he really? What Gambo?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Certaintly had the room, and for a local, you've gotta realise it's a local radio station, you know and err, you can't compete really with Radio 2 and Radio 4 and...

Steve: But what was the mood the day after, here at Xfm?

Karl: Erm, it was alright, i mean, i think we expected a few more but...

Ricky: But you shouldn't take these things seriously anyway.

Karl: Nah but...

Ricky: It's flattering, never take awards...seriously.

Steve: But what I didn't realise Rick, what I didn't realise is you have to pay thousands of pounds just to nominate.

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: Just to get into the running for an award so you've already you know, they squandered thousands of pounds.

Ricky: Nah, it's not thousands.

Steve: It is!

Karl: Well, it mounts up because you pay to enter right.

Ricky: And then the table.

Karl: And you've gotta buy like minidiscs and that, to send you're stuff in on.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Which are Sony Minidiscs.

Steve: Hmm.

Ricky: Ohhh, i see what you're saying Karl.

Karl: I'm not saying anything.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Erm, and also then, and you've gotta pay for the table.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And the food and the drink, i mean it's a few grand.

Ricky: I swore on live television as well that night.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I've never done that before, I mean I've never, I've sworn before but never accidentally, and we were being interviewed for erm, and Christian was sort of like quite, you know, being a bit boisterous and he must have brought out the worst in me, and I acc-, must of accidentally said the f-word, and I apologised straight away, I didn't want to embarrass Phill Jupitus.

Steve: Ha...does that himself,yeah.

Ricky: He was doing a good job...pff.

Karl: But i was thinking about yesterday and you're saying a bronze isn't worth having right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, say like...

Ricky: We were only joking, none of them are worth having, but they're very nice, and it's...

Steve: No, a bronze is pointless.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: But you say that cos like bronze is like coming last innit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, can you tell me the name of the person who won the marathon this year? No.

Steve: Yeah but that's because we're not sporty, I'm sure there's lots who can.

Karl: But then, the guy who came last, who was in the swimsuit.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: People remember him, and he...

Steve: No i don't remember his name either.

Ricky: No what was his name?

Karl: No, but he was 6 days late I mean he was really bad.

Ricky: Yeah but what's his name then?

Karl: ...err.

Steve: you see?, No one's remembering either.

Karl: No, but if someone who won the marathon, I'd go 'I dunno but there's that guy in the swimsuit'.

Ricky: Well I'd say 'I don't know, it was a woman'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: She had shorts on and trainers.

Karl: I'm just trying to make you feel...

Steve: My point is what they will remember is that we were losers, that's what they'll remember.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: They may not remember our names.

Ricky: They'll just point and shout 'Losers'.

Ricky: We're all winners though aren't we, we're all winners really.

Steve: For taking part sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And it's all subjective as well innit.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I mean I'm not going to moan about awards because you've won a lot of them, it's like saying they don't mean jack, but at the end of the day, right, there's some shows that won awards, and you go 'Yeah that's, that's worth an award'.

Ricky: I think you've got to treat it, i mean some awards actually boost your profile or career, or your cache or whatever like that, some it's just a nice night out and it's nice to win, but, i don't think you should really take any award that seriously.

Steve: What worries my though Rick, as I mentioned on the night is that I, when I was at school, was, I mean you look at me now, you probably think 'he an athletic kinda guy, he's a sporty dude' you know, but at school bizarrely that was not the case.

Ricky: No? What were you a bit of an lanky beanpole with stigmat-

Steve: As it turns out.

Ricky: You joking?

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Oh right okay.

Steve: So err, but I got silver err, in the high jump.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And I've done better in the high jump right? Did no training whatsoever, no practice, just turned up.

Ricky: You were and a half foot taller than every person in your class.

Steve: Well keep, well yeah but wait a minute, people think that if you're tall that makes you easier, it makes it easier for you to do the high jump, surely not because i have got all that leg to get over the pole, that makes it hider, harder, surely.

Ricky: But, Don't talk rubbish.

Steve: What are you talking about?

Ricky: Well of course the taller you are the more chance you've got at the high jump.

Steve: What, explain it to me.

Ricky: Everyone else, w..what? Right, okay, then, so is it harder a six foot man to step over a matchbox or a baby midget?

Steve: A Baby midget... that is tiny Rick.

Karl: Hang on, here's something I've learnt remember, after like show 4 or whatever.

Ricky: Go on..Show 4!

Karl: The flea can jump over the London Eye?

Ricky: Nooo! No it can jump the equivalent of if it was a 6 foot man, it can jump about 6 inches high, a flea can not jump over the London Eye.

Steve: Yeah, Yes it can, yeah it can.

Karl: And...

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl...

Steve: Tell your kids that.

Ricky: Karl! ooh.

Karl: Remember...

Ricky: A flea can jump over the London Eye, and an ant can lift three Volvos.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Karl: But you w ere talking about fitness people and that...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: ...remember when we were in the pub right? And your mate Johnny was in there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I think it was.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he was talking about that guy who got done right, cos he entered a wheelchair race...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he shouldn't, and there was nothing wrong with him, his legs were alright.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Now he got done because he shouldn't have been involved in it but don't you think, that really, he's really good for doing that because he's not normally in a wheelchair.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: So he's not used to how they move about.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: His arms aren't as strong as the other fellas, who are always in the wheelchair.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Ricky: He...

Steve: Had his mate pushing him, that was the problem.

Ricky: h- and it was motorized.

Karl: I'd give him a Gold Plus, just, I, I you know, you're taking a bloke, who's not used to doing something, he does it the first time, and beats the people who're at it all the time.

Ricky: What about that woman though, who was disqualified in the shooting, cos she was in a wheelchair, and she was just doing the normal, able-bodied Olympics, right, but, she wasn't allowed to rest her elbow on the arm of her chair, cos they were saying that's an advantage. She was in a wheelchair, and she was shooting, but she was getting unfair advantage, and they said 'You cannot put your elbow on the arm of your wheelchair'.

Steve: Sneaky aren't they.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: No, they are, you've gotta be careful, you've gotta be careful.

Ricky: Do you want to play a...

Steve: Some of them aren't even disabled it turns out.

Ricky: Hold on though, we're talking about athletes aren't we? What record should we play next?

Steve: I'd love to that that single that was out a couple of months back, by Athlete.

Steve: Let's have...

Ricky: Athlete.

Steve: Let's have Athlete.

Steve: Man alive.

Ricky: Athlete.