22 December 2001/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 22 December 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Flip The Bird

Joins Previous show with Steve and Ricky mid-conversation with presenter Dermot O'Leary and his Co-Presenter...

Ricky: We don’t know…

Steve: Yeah, The problem with me is it’s like when you multiply anything with naught.

Co-Presenter and Ricky Laugh

Co-Presenter: To the power of as well…

Steve: Nothing ever happens.

Co-Presenter: Yeah, okay shame.

Ricky: And I’m a fat little ugly fella like that Reg Varney.

Dermot: Were there loads of people there that you don’t like and you could go up to afterwards and almost like metaphorically flip the bird?

Ricky: What’s that mean?

Dermot: Last week…you know “Flip the Bird”.

Ricky: You dirty…No.

Dermot: Middle finger.

Ricky: And you see I’m married, Steve’s single and he doesn’t…

Dermot: No what are you talking about…and there’s lots of people there…

Ricky: I thought it was a euphemism…sorry.

Dermot: …Who you haven’t got on with in the past, and then they’re all being really nice to you…

Steve: We got on with everyone don’t we?

Ricky: What does “Flip the bird” mean?

Dermot: Flip the bird means……you’ve got that hipster thing.

Steve: The finger, it means giving the finger.

Ricky: Yeah but I thought there was a dirty metaphor.

Dermot: No!

Steve: You’re always thinking this!

Dermot: Don’t bring me down to your level till at least 5 minutes…Coming up after the break we’ve got Steve and Ricky and the lovely Claire will be driving their desk. Alright Claire?

Claire: Hello!

Dermot: Don’t bend over like that Claire.

Claire: Sorry!

Dermot: Put a longer top on or something. You alright boys, you your very studious there.

Steve: We are, we’re working hard on the show.

Ricky: Just working out what we’re gonna play Dermot and what order!

Dermot Laughs

Ricky: Ummm

Dermot: I love the way you even live the pretence.

Co-Presenter: What about some Foo Fighters mixed with The Strokes, Ricky?

Ricky: I wouldn’t mind a bit of The Strokes or New Order, what shall we kick in with?

Steve: Err undecided yet Rick probably got some ads to err to help us decide.

Dermot: That dilemma.

Steve: Some advertising.

Dermot: That dilemma will be revealed in just under four minutes, stick around for it.

Steve: Merry Christmas Dermot.

Clean For Christmas

Song:New Order - Crystal

Ricky: New Order and Crystal on XFM 104.9 now this is the Ricky Gervais Show obviously.

Steve: With Steve Merchant right.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah…

Steve: Well they like to know if I’m here.

Ricky: Take it as red, they don’t like to know.

Steve: The fans do.

Ricky: Yeah, um now that was one of my favourite singles of the year.

Steve: Yeah, it’s a good song.

Ricky: And that’s what we’re going to be doing in this program.

Steve: We are going to be playing some of our favourite songs of the year that’s absolutely true.

Ricky: We’ll also be playing some songs that maybe we don’t like.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just for the hell of it.

Steve: Yeah ‘cause we’re crazy guys!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We never know what’s going to happen next.

Ricky: No, we don’t.

Steve: Err, guess who’s pressing the buttons.

Ricky: We genuinely don’t!

Steve: Well you know who’s pressing the buttons, you can see her but the audience can’t.

Ricky: That’s why we don’t know what’s going to happen next.

Claire Laughs

Steve: It’s Sturgess.

Ricky: We’ve got Sturgess in.

Steve: Claire Sturgess, XFM’s Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yep, yep.

Steve: She’s stayed off it for just a day.

Claire: Yeah…

Ricky: She’s not no no she’s just…

Steve: She’s clean for a day.

Ricky: Are you on methadone or, what you on?

Claire: No, no I’m clean now!

Ricky: You’re actually clean are you? Well done.

Claire: Yeah absolutely.

Steve: Yeah well done, congratulations yeah!

Ricky and Steve Clap

Claire: Thanks

Ricky: That’s great yeah.

Steve: You’re Clean for Christmas! That’s beautiful.

Ricky: You’re still thieving though aren’t you!

Claire Laughs

Steve: Still the thieving, you just can’t lose the thieving.

Ricky: Just out of habit and it…But at least the money now goes on you know like 40 Benson as opposed a little £5 starter pack…of Skag.

Steve: It’s lovely, yeah. Aw it’s sweet! It’s nice to see a little a little miracle for Christmas, Rick. Its beautiful.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah it’s lovely yeah!

Steve: Yeah I’m already in the Christmas mood. Are you in the Christmas mood?

Ricky: I don’t…the thing is though what she’s still got left over from it and these are the scars and the reminders of your smackhead thieving days.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Ricky: Oh, those little homemade tattoos on her face.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: That she did with a pin!

Steve: Yeah, she looks like Seal.

Ricky: Yeah and some Quink.

Steve: Exactly ha-ha.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: Ah but no, Merry Christmas to you Claire.

Ricky: Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Claire: Thank you, Merry Christmas to you.

Steve: You still living in the Projects?

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: It is, it is one of those little miracles…

Steve: She’s still keeping it real, it’s wonderful.

Ricky: Like that little Tiny Tim.

Steve: I tell you what; she’s a bit like Jesus Christ.

Ricky: In a way yeah, yeah

Steve: In a way.

Ricky: That’s blasphemous, please play a record Claire.

Steve Laughs

The Man With The Knowledge

Song:Ten Benson – Black Snow

Ricky: Ten Benson that’s Black Snow, that’s a great tune.

Steve: Good song isn’t it.

Ricky: I love it. It’s sort punk but it’s got more in common with stuff like Steppenwolf and Bad Company.

Steve: My only worry is that erm, are they like 18 year olds who, like Gomez, are trying to sound like they’ve kind of had a rough hard living life?

Claire: No no no.

Steve: They are old 40 somethings?

Claire: Well no no they’re not they sort of but they’re, they’re dirty.

Steve: Good good.

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: You notice that Steve Taylor, the man with the knowledge, just popped in then.

Ricky: Just popped in.

Steve: Wished us a merry Christmas and I noticed Claire you said something like err, has he got another kid did you say?

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: How many children has he got?

Claire: I think he’s got the two now. Yeh.

Steve: Clearly he has got the knowledge hasn’t he, in every sense.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: I imagine he’s a great lover.

Ricky: He knows…

Steve: I imagine he’s got wonderful fingers.

Ricky: He knows what buttons.

Steve: Magic fingers.

Ricky: Well he’s actually got little toady hands, he uses a lot of utensils.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: He's invented all these little things that go…

Ricky makes electronic noises

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And it’s over very quickly so he can get on with learning.

Steve: Pleasure gloves!

Ricky: Yeh cos even when he’s making love there’s a stack of trivia books.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Steve: Well he can tell you about great shags of the past.

Ricky: Yeh yeh he’s heard here he comes.

Steve: Here he comes.

Ricky: Oh I love him cos you don’t know this listeners but he looks like Penfold off of DangerMouse.

Steve: He’s a beautiful man. It hasn’t stopped him breeding!

Ricky: Yeh yeh it’s not usually called breeding.

Steve: The man with the...

Ricky: You don’t usually call it breeding when it’s humans.

Ricky and Steve Clap

Steve: Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge.

Ricky: Come in, come in.

Steve: Merry Christmas to you.

Ricky: It’s like Steve Wright and his posse. Alright merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Ricky: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Stop that now.

Steve: Are you a great ladies man, were you a great ladies man before you were married?

Steve Taylor: It’s not the sort of thing I normally talk about, I’m married now.

Ricky: Because right, because he’s sort of like got a little shaved head and he’s got a beard and its exactly the same colour sort of ginger hair he looks like a tennis ball. It’s just hair of exactly the same length all over his head.

Steve Taylor: There was no reason for me to come in was there. The abuse was happening without me here.

Ricky: Yeh I know.

Steve Taylor: And now I’ve come in you just continue.

Ricky: But say hello so it’s with your blessing and they’ll think were nice. Say Merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi, Merry Christmas all listeners.

Ricky: So you’re on at 5 o clock aren’t you?

Steve Taylor: Erm… yeh.

Ricky: Right I’m going to make a note of that.

Steve: Make a note of that.

Ricky: When I’ve bought those two albums I’m going to listen to Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge on at 5 o’clock on Xfm.

Steve: Rick isn’t it incredible because he’s been in since 11 o’clock this morning just compiling information for every record he’ll be playing, the shows only 20 minutes long.

Ricky: You know with him it’s cos he’s gotta offload it.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: He’s gotta talk about it all the time cos you know he’s got a huge brain and its...

Ricky makes a throbbing sound

Ricky: …it’s going.

Steve: Throbbing.

Ricky: All information.

Steve Taylor: What you playing next Claire?

Ricky: Are you bored? Sorry were we boring you, you two?

Steve Taylor: It’s just that list, isn’t it cute yeh.

Steve: Can you tell us about Starsailor what do you know, some interesting facts about Starsailor?

Ricky: Come on into the microphone, into the micropole that goes down the loudybox and out to the radiograph in the homes all around Engloid.

Steve Laughs

Steve Taylor: They’re rubbish.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: Steve Taylor, controversial view. Still he has bred people.