22 December 2001/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 22 December 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Flip The Bird

Joins Previous show with Steve and Ricky mid-conversation with presenter Dermot O'Leary and his Co-Presenter...

Ricky: We don’t know…

Steve: Yeah, The problem with me is it’s like when you multiply anything with naught.

Co-Presenter and Ricky Laugh

Co-Presenter: To the power of as well…

Steve: Nothing ever happens.

Co-Presenter: Yeah, okay shame.

Ricky: And I’m a fat little ugly fella like that Reg Varney.

Dermot: Were there loads of people there that you don’t like and you could go up to afterwards and almost like metaphorically flip the bird?

Ricky: What’s that mean?

Dermot: Last week…you know “Flip the Bird”.

Ricky: You dirty…No.

Dermot: Middle finger.

Ricky: And you see I’m married, Steve’s single and he doesn’t…

Dermot: No what are you talking about…and there’s lots of people there…

Ricky: I thought it was a euphemism…sorry.

Dermot: …Who you haven’t got on with in the past, and then they’re all being really nice to you…

Steve: We got on with everyone don’t we?

Ricky: What does “Flip the bird” mean?

Dermot: Flip the bird means……you’ve got that hipster thing.

Steve: The finger, it means giving the finger.

Ricky: Yeah but I thought there was a dirty metaphor.

Dermot: No!

Steve: You’re always thinking this!

Dermot: Don’t bring me down to your level till at least 5 minutes…Coming up after the break we’ve got Steve and Ricky and the lovely Claire will be driving their desk. Alright Claire?

Claire: Hello!

Dermot: Don’t bend over like that Claire.

Claire: Sorry!

Dermot: Put a longer top on or something. You alright boys, you your very studious there.

Steve: We are, we’re working hard on the show.

Ricky: Just working out what we’re gonna play Dermot and what order!

Dermot Laughs

Ricky: Ummm

Dermot: I love the way you even live the pretence.

Co-Presenter: What about some Foo Fighters mixed with The Strokes, Ricky?

Ricky: I wouldn’t mind a bit of The Strokes or New Order, what shall we kick in with?

Steve: Err undecided yet Rick probably got some ads to err to help us decide.

Dermot: That dilemma.

Steve: Some advertising.

Dermot: That dilemma will be revealed in just under four minutes, stick around for it.

Steve: Merry Christmas Dermot.

Clean For Christmas

Song:New Order - Crystal

Ricky: New Order and Crystal on XFM 104.9 now this is the Ricky Gervais Show obviously.

Steve: With Steve Merchant right.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah…

Steve: Well they like to know if I’m here.

Ricky: Take it as red, they don’t like to know.

Steve: The fans do.

Ricky: Yeah, um now that was one of my favourite singles of the year.

Steve: Yeah, it’s a good song.

Ricky: And that’s what we’re going to be doing in this program.

Steve: We are going to be playing some of our favourite songs of the year that’s absolutely true.

Ricky: We’ll also be playing some songs that maybe we don’t like.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just for the hell of it.

Steve: Yeah ‘cause we’re crazy guys!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We never know what’s going to happen next.

Ricky: No, we don’t.

Steve: Err, guess who’s pressing the buttons.

Ricky: We genuinely don’t!

Steve: Well you know who’s pressing the buttons, you can see her but the audience can’t.

Ricky: That’s why we don’t know what’s going to happen next.

Claire Laughs

Steve: It’s Sturgess.

Ricky: We’ve got Sturgess in.

Steve: Claire Sturgess, XFM’s Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yep, yep.

Steve: She’s stayed off it for just a day.

Claire: Yeah…

Ricky: She’s not no no she’s just…

Steve: She’s clean for a day.

Ricky: Are you on methadone or, what you on?

Claire: No, no I’m clean now!

Ricky: You’re actually clean are you? Well done.

Claire: Yeah absolutely.

Steve: Yeah well done, congratulations yeah!

Ricky and Steve Clap

Claire: Thanks

Ricky: That’s great yeah.

Steve: You’re Clean for Christmas! That’s beautiful.

Ricky: You’re still thieving though aren’t you!

Claire Laughs

Steve: Still the thieving, you just can’t lose the thieving.

Ricky: Just out of habit and it…But at least the money now goes on you know like 40 Benson as opposed a little £5 starter pack…of Skag.

Steve: It’s lovely, yeah. Aw it’s sweet! It’s nice to see a little a little miracle for Christmas, Rick. Its beautiful.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah it’s lovely yeah!

Steve: Yeah I’m already in the Christmas mood. Are you in the Christmas mood?

Ricky: I don’t…the thing is though what she’s still got left over from it and these are the scars and the reminders of your smackhead thieving days.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Ricky: Oh, those little homemade tattoos on her face.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: That she did with a pin!

Steve: Yeah, she looks like Seal.

Ricky: Yeah and some Quink.

Steve: Exactly ha-ha.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: Ah but no, Merry Christmas to you Claire.

Ricky: Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Claire: Thank you, Merry Christmas to you.

Steve: You still living in the Projects?

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: It is, it is one of those little miracles…

Steve: She’s still keeping it real, it’s wonderful.

Ricky: Like that little Tiny Tim.

Steve: I tell you what; she’s a bit like Jesus Christ.

Ricky: In a way yeah, yeah

Steve: In a way.

Ricky: That’s blasphemous, please play a record Claire.

Steve Laughs

The Man With The Knowledge

Song:Ten Benson – Black Snow

Ricky: Ten Benson that’s Black Snow, that’s a great tune.

Steve: Good song isn’t it.

Ricky: I love it. It’s sort punk but it’s got more in common with stuff like Steppenwolf and Bad Company.

Steve: My only worry is that erm, are they like 18 year olds who, like Gomez, are trying to sound like they’ve kind of had a rough hard living life?

Claire: No no no.

Steve: They are old 40 somethings?

Claire: Well no no they’re not they sort of but they’re, they’re dirty.

Steve: Good good.

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: You notice that Steve Taylor, the man with the knowledge, just popped in then.

Ricky: Just popped in.

Steve: Wished us a merry Christmas and I noticed Claire you said something like err, has he got another kid did you say?

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: How many children has he got?

Claire: I think he’s got the two now. Yeh.

Steve: Clearly he has got the knowledge hasn’t he, in every sense.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: I imagine he’s a great lover.

Ricky: He knows…

Steve: I imagine he’s got wonderful fingers.

Ricky: He knows what buttons.

Steve: Magic fingers.

Ricky: Well he’s actually got little toady hands, he uses a lot of utensils.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: He's invented all these little things that go…

Ricky makes electronic noises

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And it’s over very quickly so he can get on with learning.

Steve: Pleasure gloves!

Ricky: Yeh cos even when he’s making love there’s a stack of trivia books.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Steve: Well he can tell you about great shags of the past.

Ricky: Yeh yeh he’s heard here he comes.

Steve: Here he comes.

Ricky: Oh I love him cos you don’t know this listeners but he looks like Penfold off of DangerMouse.

Steve: He’s a beautiful man. It hasn’t stopped him breeding!

Ricky: Yeh yeh it’s not usually called breeding.

Steve: The man with the...

Ricky: You don’t usually call it breeding when it’s humans.

Ricky and Steve Clap

Steve: Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge.

Ricky: Come in, come in.

Steve: Merry Christmas to you.

Ricky: It’s like Steve Wright and his posse. Alright Merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Ricky: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Stop that now.

Steve: Are you a great ladies man, were you a great ladies man before you were married?

Steve Taylor: It’s not the sort of thing I normally talk about, I’m married now.

Ricky: Because right, because he’s sort of like got a little shaved head and he’s got a beard and its exactly the same colour sort of ginger hair he looks like a tennis ball. It’s just hair of exactly the same length all over his head.

Steve Taylor: There was no reason for me to come in was there. The abuse was happening without me here.

Ricky: Yeh I know.

Steve Taylor: And now I’ve come in you just continue.

Ricky: But say hello so it’s with your blessing and they’ll think were nice. Say Merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi, Merry Christmas all listeners.

Ricky: So you’re on at 5 o clock aren’t you?

Steve Taylor: Erm… yeh.

Ricky: Right I’m going to make a note of that.

Steve: Make a note of that.

Ricky: When I’ve bought those two albums I’m going to listen to Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge on at 5 o’clock on Xfm.

Steve: Rick isn’t it incredible because he’s been in since 11 o’clock this morning just compiling information for every record he’ll be playing, the shows only 20 minutes long.

Ricky: You know with him it’s cos he’s gotta offload it.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: He’s gotta talk about it all the time cos you know he’s got a huge brain and its...

Ricky makes a throbbing sound

Ricky: …it’s going.

Steve: Throbbing.

Ricky: All information.

Steve Taylor: What you playing next Claire?

Ricky: Are you bored? Sorry were we boring you, you two?

Steve Taylor: It’s just that list, isn’t it cute yeh.

Steve: Can you tell us about Starsailor what do you know, some interesting facts about Starsailor?

Ricky: Come on into the microphone, into the micropole that goes down the loudybox and out to the radiograph in the homes all around Engloid.

Steve Laughs

Steve Taylor: They’re rubbish.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: Steve Taylor, controversial view. Still he has bred people.

What You Want To Buy Is A Pornographic Magazine

Song: The Hives – Main Offender

Ricky: Hives, Hives. Before that Starsailor. It’s been a bit of a punk sort of show this hasn’t it.

Steve: It has and I’ve enjoyed it.

Ricky: You know the whole years been a little bit of a, I blame the strokes but you see I, I, I enjoyed punk, you were too young and don’t care for it but.

Steve: Well I have to say if punk the first time round was exciting as I’ve found it this year then I’ve missed out because I’ve really enjoyed it, really enjoyed it.

Ricky: See I wanna go and play you all my things like X-Ray Spex and you know things like that now.

Steve: Are they as kind of melodic though as things like The Strokes and erm White Stripes and so on? Are they kind of tuneful? ‘Cos…

Ricky: Well.

Steve: …The White Stripes album…

Ricky: Well in fact I’ve picked a very bad example because they were sort of like pop punk and Poly Styrene was almost she wasn’t a… wasn’t a joke but erm they had saxophones and stuff so it’s like.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So it’s probably a bad example of early punk. I mean The Sex Pistols summed it all up.

Steve: Yeh sure sure.

Ricky: But err well we we enjoyed that didn’t we.

Steve: We did I have to say though although there has been a nice bit of sort of punky sound this year, for me it’s been very much a year for the geeks. You’d have thought id of enjoyed that but actually...

Ricky: Well that’s nu metal though isn’t it?

Steve: Well it is the nu metal.

Ricky: These people who are like in their bedroom playing sort of computer games and listening to Limp Bizkit…

Steve: I can’t believe that nu metal has taken over the world. It’s just incredible.

Ricky: Its mad isn’t it, it’s absolutely huge.

Steve: Suddenly Linkin Park and err...

Ricky: See I don’t mind things like Marilyn Manson cos they’re you know they’re having a go and they’re having a bit of a laugh and you know, but I just.

Steve: But it always seemed so perennially un-cool to me when I was younger, anyone who was into that kind of music I just thought loser, and that’s…

Ricky: And coming from you.

Steve: …Kettle calling the pot black…

Ricky: Yeh. Imagine that.

Steve: But it’s the year of the geeks but not just cos of nu metal but also kind of these fantasy films with the Harry Potter stuff and now Lord of the Rings it seems like everybody’s obsessed with the fantasy stuff.

Ricky: Now it’s cool to play dungeons and dragons.

Steve: I know I can’t get over it, I’m stunned.

Ricky: Scary isn’t it?

Steve: Cos even I was never into that rubbish.

Ricky: No definitely not.

Steve: Its like people who are still obsessed with Harry Potter, they go I’m rereading harry potter for the third time and I’m thinking listen I haven’t read it, I’m sure it’s very good but your rereading it for the third time? There are books out there written by adults for adults, with like sex and other exciting things in…

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And its Harry Potter yeh like in case you’ve missed something the first time round.

Ricky: But maybe they’re learning the spells.

Steve: I’m just I’m stunned by it I mean I have you read it all Claire, are you all up on this?

Claire: What Harry Potter? I actually went out and bought the first Harry Potter book and lost interest half way through.

Steve: Of course.

Claire: Because there was no sex in it.

Steve: No exactly.

Claire: So I couldn’t be bothered.

Steve: It’s like why I never go and see any Disney films, because there’s never the prospect of any nudity if that’s, if there’s no chance of nudity.

Ricky: You see I think you’re actually buying the wrong books, what you wanna buy Steve is a pornographic magazine.

Steve: Tell me more.

Ricky: Well in there, you see, what you get is…

Steve: Ladies?...

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Are there ladies?

Ricky: Sometimes.

Steve: Nudey ladies?…

Ricky: Sometime Ladies…

He's Just The Same As Me

Song:Stereophonics – Handbags and Gladrags

Ricky: Stereophonics and the theme tune to BBC 2’s The Office, Handbags and Gladrags.

Steve: Absolutely. Erm…

Ricky: See I think we should be playing Christmas songs as well though. Merry Christmas war is over… great.

Claire: …Is it really?

Ricky: What?

Claire: The theme tune to The Office?

Ricky: I thought you meant, yeh, I thought you meant is war really over, it is, thanks John. It is. It is yeh. To be fair Rod Stewart did it first.

Steve: And we don’t use the Steorophonics version.

Ricky: No or the Rod Stewart version.

Claire: Thank you.

Ricky: Too expensive.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: You see.

Steve: Cost a fortune.

Ricky: Had to rerecord it.

Steve: Yep little known facts.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Should save that for the DVD.

Ricky: Or Steve Taylor would have blown it anyway wouldn’t he. He would have come on with the knowledge and told them everything.

Steve: I was thinking actually…

Ricky: Fairytale of New York.

Steve: Beautiful song.

Ricky: Can we find that?

Steve: I’m sure everyone’s playing it at the moment.

Ricky: Yeh… Let’s not play it.

Steve: Its good we should play it.

Ricky: Let’s play ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time’ by Paul McCartney.

Steve: Can we play err ‘Driving Home for Christmas, Chris Rea.’

Claire: Ohh!

Ricky: There’s a lyric in that that goes err… he’s in the car driving home for Christmas and he looks over at the other bloke in the other car and goes ‘he’s just the same as me.’

Steve: Yeh I was thinking that as well.

Ricky: ‘He’s just the same as me.’

Steve: All ‘driving home for Christmas.’

Ricky: Is he saying he’s copied him? ‘Oi, why are you wearing...that’s the same as me that is.’

Steve: What did you get your misses? The same is it?

Ricky: Youuu are you a stalker? I’m Chris Rea!

Steve: Hello!

Ricky: Yeh just going back to Newcastle.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That’s how they talk innit.

Steve: Is that where he’s from?

Ricky: Yep yep yep. Isn’t it, Middlesbrough or Newcastle or…

Steve: Do you remember when Rea made a film?

Ricky: …Cleveland… Go on.

Steve: Chris Rea made a film. They all did like Dave Stewart made that film with the All Saints, ‘Honest’, no one went to see it.

Ricky: No.

Steve: And Chris Rea made a film which was like a kind of fantasy thing where I think Shirley Bassey turned up in it where he was like, have you ever seen this?

Claire: No but ooh! Ooh! No I can’t tell you. I’ll tell you off air.

Steve: Really is it outrageous, is it libellous to Chris Rea?

Claire: No no, I had to interview Chris Rea about this.

Steve: Really?

Claire: And Shirley Bassey was there and she pulled up in her limo.

Ricky: That’s a weird interview.

Steve: It’s incredible.

Claire: Don’t ask me, don’t ask me.

Ricky: What were you doing it for?

Claire: It was for some satellite TV.

Steve: And what did Bassey say did she…

Ricky: Bassey!

Claire: When Bassey came into Pinewood studios…

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Bassey!

Claire: When she came in we all had to leave the set so she could drive through the set, we all had to leave so she could drive in.

Steve: Incredible.

Claire: Umhum.

Ricky: No!

Claire: Just thought I’d tell you that.

Steve: Blimey.

Claire: It’s very boring really I wish I hadn’t told you that.

Ricky: What do you mean? She drove her car into the set?

Claire: No she was driven into Pinewood studios.

Ricky: Right.

Claire: Into wherever they were filming and we had to all leave as she arrived.

Steve: But why did you have to leave?

Claire: Because I dunno.

Ricky: Because she knew what you do Sturgess.

Claire: She didn’t like me.

Ricky: She went ‘I don’t want that smack head around when I’m here’.

Claire Laughs

Steve:

‘I’ve got some valuables in here.’

Ricky: Yeh yeh… Sturgess.

Steve:

‘Diamonds are forever and especially when she’s around.’

Claire: Anyway I never saw the film Steve in answer to your question so...

Steve: Yeh well I don’t think anyone did but err the fact that Chris Rea got money to make a film. I mean has he released a song for years?

Ricky: He’s still going.

Steve: Is he?

Ricky: He probably got a little bit of back catalogue going.

Steve: You mention Paul McCartney as well we were talking about that with Steve Taylor and I’m wondering because we were talking about his money and the fact that he’s got loads of wealth, and that’s fair enough and he obviously deserves it. But what I’m wondering is he’s got to he’s such…

Ricky: Steve does anyone deserve it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Unless they spread it around Rick.

Ricky: Politics. Politics.

Steve: But erm I mean obviously he must be one of the richest men certainly in this country and I’m sure you know internationally.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: Millions, I don’t know if he’s reached the billion mark yet, but I’m wondering to myself, why doesn’t he spend some of that money making his misses like a bionic leg? That be amazing, you know what I mean?

Ricky: God!

Steve: She could like leap over buildings and stuff that’d be genius.

Ricky: Well she wouldn’t leap she’d hop.

Steve: Cos if I had that much money I would.

Ricky: She could only hop.

Steve: She’d just be running round in a circle.

Ricky: She’d win all those sports games at school easy.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Just one hop.

Steve: Exactly yeh.

Ricky: One hop and she’s won.

Steve: I mean it’d just be incredible cos I don’t know, I mean the bionic man it was expensive then wasn’t it.

Ricky: 6 million then Steve, but Christ knows what it’d cost now.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: With inflation 6 million dollars of course, that’s only about 4 million pounds.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Stirling but now that was like ‘74 or summat.

Steve: It’d cost you a fortune.

Ricky: It’d be hundreds of millions wouldn’t it.

Steve: Oh I wouldn’t even wanna guestimate.

Ricky: But he he he got the eye that’s useful.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: He can, well, see miles away erm he’s got the two legs cos you need the two legs for running. Wouldn’t it be…

Steve: Did he have the two legs?

Ricky: Yeh of course he did otherwise he’d be hopping wouldn’t he.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky hums the theme tune to The Six Million Dollar Man

Ricky: But he err got the one arm only needed the one arm they thought lets not go mad lets not make him completely bionic.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: But the one thing that always worried me, right, was that when he lifted up a truck with his one good arm, why didn’t his back collapse?

Steve: Yeh yeh.

Ricky: He didn’t have a bionic spine did he?

Steve: Sure sure.

Ricky: I can see lying on the ground and sort of like doing the sort of leg press, that’d be fine but when he’s standing up his leg, his back would just collapse wouldn’t it?

Steve: Yeh. So your beginning to wonder if an astronaut who fell out of an aeroplane while test driving it and was rebuilt as a half robot, you’re wondering if maybe there’s some flaws in that err, in that concept?

Ricky: Yeh and Oscar Goldrun… and isn’t it convenient that his girlfriend had the same, two legs one arm and…

Steve: I think that’s what drew them closer together though Rick.

Ricky: This time she had the ear.

Steve: I don’t think he was just on the pull and by chance when he got her undressed he thought ‘my god that looks like a familiar plastic arm’.

Ricky: And there was a bionic dog wasn’t there?

Steve: And a horse apparently.

Ricky: Well why do you need a bionic horse?

Steve: I know.

Ricky: When you can run at 70 mph you don’t need to get on a horse do you.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: Unless the bloke that had the bionic horse wasn’t bionic and he could run like really fast.

Steve: I think the problem was that they’d spent so much money on all these bionic things they just made a bionic horse entered it did it in races.

Ricky: Yeh yeh.

Steve: Just need to bet on it.

Ricky: Get there money back.

Steve: Yeh yeh exactly.

Ricky: Steve Austin he’s not turning up, he’s swanning round.

Steve: They are a very costly investment.

Ricky: Does anyone remember Bionic Man is this just… yeh? It’s all shown again innit on Bravo.

Steve: Everyone knows who the bionic man is.

Ricky: Oh no sci-fi.

Claire: Oh just ask Camfield about it.

Ricky: I bet he loves it doesn’t he.

Steve: Cos Camfield’s only 14 and he knows Bionic Man.

Ricky: I know yeh he’s been watching it for 13 and a half years.

Steve: Sturg, yeh lets play another song because its we just played a cover version of Handbags and Gladrags.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Great song really good yeh and I’ve been playing cover versions all year and one of my favourites was this...

Ricky:

‘Run for cover’.

Steve: ..I played a long time back I think actually I think I played this when we were standing in for Dermot O’Diddily.

Ricky: Yeh he was back today wasn’t he? Just pops up when he wants.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Doesn’t he.

Steve: But err I’m not going to play any cover versions in the New Year.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve:

‘Cover me up’ or ‘cover me bad’ that’s going to be scrapped.

Ricky:

‘Run for Cover.’ Well I’ve finished with my err well I call it ‘Film Review’.

Steve: Sure yeh yeh so were going to have all new features in the New Year.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: But this err this is I’d love to play this again this is Once around the Block as done by the Kings of Convenience. Play this Claire, lovely.

Ricky: Yeh.