27 April 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 27 April 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

I'm A Bad Man, Cos I Don't Give Lungs Away?

Ricky: God! I don't believe this, one day he's got – Karl's really grumpy and all stressed cos he didn't have the record, we didn't wanna play, a rec- won't say it, we didn't wanna play a certain record he had lined up, cos it's rubbish.

Karl: I know, but you do this every week.

Ricky: Cos it's... cos most of 'em are rubbish, that's why we choose...

Karl: But thirty seconds to go on the track and you're saying 'I don't wanna play that'.

Ricky: And you're going 'oh stressing me out', you're meant to be at our beck and call we've, we've...

Steve: We've made you.

Ricky: We've made you, we got you out the gutter and now you're getting- “minding the world.”

Karl: That doesn't mean you can mess me about. If you were a doctor and you saved me life.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, there comes a point...

Steve: In a way, we have Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Where were you going before we came alone...

Ricky: Go on, what was he gonna say, what were you gonna say, he was gonna say something wise then?

Karl: I was gonna say, right, if, if, if you were a doctor and you saved me life, there's only so much, that I could give back to you, right.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: I can't...

Ricky: What's unreasonable, what would be unreasonable?

Karl: Well you know.

Ricky: Forget doctor, don't, no, no, no, no, cos that's its job right, supposing I just, I was just walking along and I saved your life, I gave you a kidney, or I, you know, resuscitated you or I dived into icy water, what, what, what could I hope from you then, before you start going 'hold on, hold on', what would you, what would you be willing to do for me until you sort of got, you lost your rag a little bit, cos I was asking too much.

Karl: So, what, didn't I know you before you've like, sorted a lung out for me?

Ricky: No. I just gave you a lung, for example.

Karl: Well, I'd be a bit sort of, I'd be thinking why has he done that, if...

Ricky: Suspicious!

Steve: But what I love though Rick is the idea of you, jumping into icy water to save someone, giving them a lung, I can guarantee if someone was lying on the floor screaming, they needed your help, you'd affect a foreign accent and go 'I no understand' and run off.

Karl: You know what he did once? Right, we went out a few weeks ago, right, and some woman had her handbag nicked, and she was all distressed, he said 'cha- chase the fella Karl'.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: You stood there...

Ricky laughs.

Karl: You, you pretended.

Ricky: That's not true...

Steve: Let's be honest, look at Ricky...

Ricky: That's not true.

Steve: ...imagine Ricky chasing a criminal, look at his little legs, he'd never get anywhere.

Karl: He started to run and then he passed Starbucks or something and nipped in...

Ricky chortles.

Karl: For a short...

Ricky: How did this turn on me? I'm a bad man, cos I don't give lungs away?

Steve: No, cos you don't chase criminals...

Ricky: No-one would want my kidneys or my lungs for a start, I- I-, you know...

Steve: Did you chase the criminal, then?

Ricky: No.

Karl: I did for a bit.

Ricky: He walked.

Steve: No, you didn't did you?

Karl: No, I did a little bit, didn't I?

Ricky: Yeah, we sort of spread out...

Steve: What...

Ricky: ...we missed him.

Steve: ...where was it and what was the situation?

Karl: It was near...

Steve: Did you see a bag get snatched?

Karl: It was Carnaby Street.

Ricky: No, she was crying and she was worried... some blokes came and sat next to her and just ran off with her purse and erm...

Steve: And you walked after them?

Ricky: No, no they'd gone Steve, they'd they, I mean, yeah, they'd actually gone, it was just like a bit distressing, she was, she was devastated, I know how she feels as well, I had a jacket nicked and you think 'oh, I just gotta find 'em now'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: 'Where are they, who...' you know, so she was really off her head with sort of like she was angry and sort of crying.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And it was horrible, it was horrible weren't it? Weren't it Karl?

Karl: He's broken his mike now.

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: Oh, play a record Karl...

Ricky: This is pathetic.

Steve: ...Karl, what are you doing mate, you just...

Ricky: I don't believe this, there are only two weeks to go, these should be special.

Ricky pounds his fist on the desk for emphasis.

Steve: Karl, play the record, we've asked you to play the record.

Ricky: 'Bohemian Like You'.

Steve: Man alive!

Song: Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You

Song: Hives – Main Offender

They Do Go Out Late

Ricky: Hives – Main Offender, on Xfm 104.9, I forgot to say who I was.

Steve: Go on who are you?

Ricky: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

Steve: Obviously. Steve Merchant.

Ricky: And who's that little fella over there, little round fella.

Steve: Tiny little Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: The funny little thing from the Smash adverts. Say “...and then they smash with them little knives...”, oh.

Steve: You do, yeah you're right, he does look like one of them.

Ricky: He does, doesn't he, yeah, I was asking people if they've seen a rounder head than him, and that's the only one someone could come up with, that's the only thing they came up with. Oh look, oh look you're actually a little bit stressed now aren't you? Cos you had a drink last night, didn't ya?

Karl: I had a couple of drinks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I was down at Steve's night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He was doing a bit of DJing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It went down a storm.

Ricky: And that's why you're grumpy.

Steve: Shush, shush, shush, shush, did you hear what he just said? I was DJing last night, obviously at that Xfm evening.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Hour and a half, me and my friend split the time on the decks, what, what was the word you just used?

Karl: He went down a storm.

Steve: We went down a storm. Right, three girls, I was walking to the toilets during my set, three girls went 'you are a genius'...

Ricky giggles.

Steve: Right da-, whathisname, Dane Bowers... Zane Lowe?

Ricky: What cos you played records in a certain order?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky laughs contemptuously.

Steve: Sorry Rick if you can't deal with that, sorry if you're a little bit jealous, because this time you can't share the award, alright?

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: But it was my credit this time.

Karl: You can tell he hasn't been a DJ, because it's not just about...

Steve: It's not just about the songs you play, it's the way you play them.

Ricky: Oh yeah...

Steve: The way you play them...whether it's 33 or 45, very important.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah! Leave your hand on them...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...as they try and go round.

Steve: But, er, but, three girls there, charmed by me, they loved it, er, Zane Lowe Xfm DJ and MTV presenter, probably one of the coolest blokes alive, he came up – gave us massive respect, he said 'i'm loving your set', he actually used those words, right, there were people coming up, couldn't believe their luck, it was roaring, we'd stick on a track, people would cheer as it came one, right, our particular favourite, Karl I'll think you'll agree, my particular triumvirate LL Cool J, 'Mama Said Knock You Out', leading straight into House of Pain 'Jump Around', then straight into the current Elvis track that's been re-released, remixed by Junkie XL, I played the original, which I'd already played on XFM before, I'm already there, cutting edge.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: What, three old tracks you mean.

Steve: Three old tracks.

Ricky: In a row?

Steve: Yep... and, er, I think the words that would best sum it up, are 'I kicked ass'.

Ricky: Great.

Steve: Rick, alright.

Ricky: Well, I'm gonna be kicking some arse today, because I'm gonna be shamelessly self-indulgent and we've only got two shows to go, so I'm playing some of the most beautiest tunes in the world, I was just telling Karl I've lined up a Simon and Garfunkel track 'Only Living Boy In New York', he went 'why's he the only living boy in New York?', I went 'what?', he went 'what does that mean then?' I went 'I don't know' he went 'well what's it about?', I said 'I don't, don't care, it's a lovely song' he said 'but, no, what's it about' I said 'I don't go into that', I said, he went 'I like, I like a story' I said 'like what'? He said 'Killing of Georgie – no trickery'.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Killing of Georgie. I think we should play that at the last...

Steve: It's good I heard it the other day on Radio 2, it was cracking.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: It stands up well.

Karl: It's really good.

Ricky: Tell 'em what it's about again.

Karl: It's about, um, a little girl- (clears his throat) a little gay fella.

Steve: A little what, a little gay fella?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Who, erm, I mean I haven't heard it for a bit, it's all off memories, but, erm, gay bloke, is he from Scotland?

Ricky: I have... no idea.

Karl: He's from somewhere, where gays aren't liked.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: No, no, no.

Karl: No, he is.

Ricky: 'Georgie boy was gay I guess, nothing more and nothing less, the kindest guy I ever knew', right, now all he did was, right, his father said 'how can my son not be straight?' and kicked him out, right, goes to America...

Karl: Yeah, yeah, but you can handle all that, you can handle your dad not getting on with ya, if other people around ya are into the same scene.

Ricky: Yeah? That's right.

Karl: But he was left on his own, he didn't know what to do.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He was getting stressed out.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: So he goes.

Steve: This was before like, before, I mean this was, when did this record come out?

Ricky: Seventy...

Karl: Must be Seventies.

Ricky: ...seven.

Karl: 77, yeah something like that.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And he's...

Ricky: During punk.

Steve: Right, oh I see, yeah.

Karl: So he...

Steve: So, you know, The Village People had come along and made gay cool.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That had already happened, but it wasn't respected.

Karl: But he was watching the telly or something and he saw the New York had loads of them over there all having a good time...

Ricky: No, no sorry, at no point in the song, does Rod Stewart say little, little gay Georgie was watching telly, and saw loads of gays in New York, at no point in that song.

Karl: But, this is what I like about that song, you can sort of picture what's going on.

Ricky: You make it up.

A moment of contemplation.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, so, so the little gay fella was watching telly, and there was, there was a presumably a, the “and now from New York - the gay show” yeah?

Karl: or whatever, cos it was a big scene over there in the seventies.

Ricky: Yeah, okay, go on.

Karl: So he, er, goes over there, and he's having a great time and that, he's meeting...

Ricky: “...went to New York town, very quickly settled down and soon became the toast of the great white way”

Karl: Yeah, they loved him.

Ricky: “...all the old queens blew a fuse.”

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he, I don't know, he was out late one night...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...and he's walking home.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And, er, gets attacked, gets killed.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's lying in...

Ricky: “They didn't intend to take his life, they just pushed their luck a little too far that night.” Yeah, you see.

Karl: So, but what's good there, is it good that he had a bit of a good life, and was able to be himself.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: ...or should he have stayed in Scotland?

Ricky: He didn't come from Scotland, again, I've really...

Steve: I think, is there anyway we can get this song before the end of the show, and play it, cos I've, I've heard it recently, but a lot of people listening will have never heard this song, they won't have any idea what we're talking about.

Ricky: Can I, Can I say what you said, when we were talking about that song, once, before?

Karl: Is it bad?

Ricky: It might, it might be. Cos we were talking about you know, Georgie boy getting... and he you know, I don't know.

Karl: What?

Ricky: It's when you said...

Ricky mouths something to Karl.

Karl: Well, it's a fact! I don't think if anyone...

Ricky: Right, he said, so 'Killing of Georgie', he gets out, he dies, right, he goes 'well they do go out late...'

Steve hoots.

Karl: I know...

Steve: Gay people... go out late?

Karl: I've seen gay people and they start to party late on, that's why, in Soho right, girlfriend got in a cab right, Suzanne was in a cab and the cab driver, was taking her to an early start, right, she works at the BBC, early start, 4 in the morning, it was going down, it was mental in Soho at 4 in the morning, they were all still like star- starting the night out...

Ricky: How d'you know, how do you know they were gay?

Karl: It's Soho, innit.

Steve: Fair enough.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Play a track, we have to try and dig this out.

Ricky: Yeah we well, this is Simon and Garfunkel, 'The Only Living Boy In New York', it's, it's lovely.

Song: Simon and Garfunkel – The Only Living Boy In New York

Obviously He Had To Pose As My Gay Lover

Ricky: 'Only Living Boy In New York', do you like that?

Karl: It's got a nice feel to it.

Ricky: Simon and Garfunkel.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Lovely, erm, bit later on I'm gonna be playing a Cat Stevens track, it's one of the most beautiful tracks ever written, it's called 'Lilywhite' off 'Mona Bone Jakon', look forward to that, we've got Eminem coming up.

Steve: We have, we've got the new Eminem single as well and a big giveaway Rick lest we forget.

Ricky: I think we should tell 'em what that is.

Steve: Do you think so.

Ricky: Yeah, well, we all went to the Baftas, as you know and we thought we could get a good prize out of this, so we got some celebs...

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: ...to sign, the Bafta bag they give away, it's just a nice, it's just a big sort of chunky cardboard carrier bag, you know, it's not the value that counts, this is what values it read out the sort of names we've got Steve.

Steve: These are the kind of celebrities that have signed these bags, obviously us three, plus Graham Norton, Angus Deayton signed it, Alan Davies – Johnathan Creek, Jamie Theakston, Paul Whitehouse, a lot of comedians you'll notice, Helen Baxendale from Cold Feet, who's also been in Friends, right, er, I don't know why that's so exciting, Steve 'Phil Mitchell' McFadden.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's an eclectic bag, I notice actually that Steve's signature also mentions, I think he says Steve aka Phil Mitchell, which is very nice of him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Peter Davidson, former, er, former Dr. Who.

Ricky: I noticed also, that when you gave him the pen to sign it, he put the pen away.

Steve: Yeah he pocketed it.

Ricky: I wanted to say, wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa, whoa whoa...

Steve: Just his wily cockney ways.

Ricky: ...you're not Phil Mitchell now mate.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Give us the pen back.

Steve: Exactly. Simon Pegg and of course one of broadcasting's biggest legends Steve Wright.

Ricky: Oh Steve Wright, yeah.

Steve: Got him to sign it as well. But you know, you're not gonna find that, that's quite an eclectic and kooky mixture of celebrity names.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, autographs on one bag.

Ricky: And maybe we'll photocopy it and if you can't make out...

Steve: Just explain who they are...

Ricky: ...just explain who they are.

Steve: We can give that away, and, er, you know it's a little commemorative thing from the Baftas, there's a big Bafta logo on there and everything, it's pretty classy, I, did I mention this that our agent, who was there, he ran round getting a few of these autographs and I think, Helen Baxendale and a few people and went up to 'em and told them it was for charity... and that was why they signed it.

Karl gasps.

Steve: Which I think is a little bit cheeky, but that's what agents are like Karl! You've gotta understand that.

Ricky: But, then again he didn't get anything from them, it's not like he said give us a pound

Steve: No, he just got signatures.

Ricky: He just got their signature.

Steve: Well, he said that as well.

Ricky: (Laughing) Did he? He made 42 quid.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

They take a short respite while Ricky laughs.

Steve: Erm, but, err, so anyway, we're gonna give that away, we'll, we'll explai-

Ricky: Is that a good prize? I think that's a nice prize, isn't it? It's a little commemorative thing...

Steve: Karl! You're turning your nose up at it.

Karl: No, it's, it's alright, I wouldn't want it.

Ricky: Oh chri-, doesn't he, do people get you to sort of do campaigns on the radio, like “Drink Fosters – I wouldn't, you can...”

Steve: I notice on the big board here, it tells us that you can win signed and framed Chemical Brothers' Album covers on Sunday, that's just two geeks who've signed that, we've got like...

Ricky: We've got three... alone, in this room.

Steve: Exactly, plus, we've got some of Britain's, you know the cream of Britain's light entertainment that have signed that bag, I'm just...

Karl: No, no, no it's good...

Steve: ...appalled by you, that you're just so disrespectful of us.

Karl: No, but it's like, look how, when I went to the Bafta's with you and I wasn't really enjoying it.

Ricky: I can't!! He's a ...!

Steve: What?! You didn't tell us this.

Ricky: You're such an ungrateful...

Steve: There are so many people...

Ricky: You're like a little charity case, you're like, oh...

Steve: I had chicks queuing up around the block.

Ricky: You'd usually have to... someone like you would have to write to 'Jim'll Fix It' or Esther Rantzen to get, to meet us sort of people, and now it's on your doorstep!

Steve: I'm amazed, that you didn't enjoy it, why didn't you enjoy it? You got to walk down the red carpet, you went in, there was George Best, one of your footballing heroes was there, a load of other big names, you sat there, you had prime position, you came backstage with a load of other big names, eh, you had a lovely bit of grub.

Ricky: You were filming the thing for the DVD we're making, that's you, that's you the cameraman on the DVD and yet you think 'oh...' now you look grumpy cos you had a couple of pints, and you've, oh, can't believe it.

Steve: Tell us why you didn't enjoy it, cos the ceremony, what didn't you enjoy about that?

Silence.

Steve: It was interminable wasn't it?

Karl: Far too long.

Steve: Wasn't it awful?

Karl: Three...

Steve: Boring.

Karl: ...hours.

Ricky: Sorry. I thought you were gonna say something.

Steve: Really?

Some nervous giggling.

Karl: Three hours.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, I mean, I suppose for you two, at least, you know, you were gonna get something.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But with me, it's like, I mean, I've never graduated or anything, so...

Ricky: Have you not?

Karl: I'm trying a think of a situation, basically I sat there for three hours, knowing that I'm not gonna get anything out of the night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right. Now...

Ricky giggles.

Karl: No-one told...

Ricky: Sorry! When we invited you and you said 'yes', did you think you were up for an award?

Karl: No.

Steve hoots.

Karl: But I thought, I thought, we'd be sat round tables, having a nice bit of food, whilst people are going up there and winning awards, but three hours of the same thing, over and over again, if a film's three hours in the cinema, you go 'well it's long, but, you know, I wonder how it's gonna end', but this was just like the same thing over and over again, some guy going up, 'thanks a lot, cheers for the bit of brass' and then going down, sitting down, same thing over and over again. I wouldn't, honestly right, I'd say it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do.

Ricky and Steve laugh in shock.

Ricky: Christ!

Steve: Blinking hell!!

Karl: No, I enjoyed the night afterwards, when we did have a bit of lamb and a bit of veg and that, that was alright, and I went home and I was happy, and I got the little freebie bag, that you're talking about, that we're givin' away, which wasn't much good stuff in it.

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: Alright!!

Ricky: ...christ!

Karl: No, cos Suzanne...

Steve: What would you have done on that Saturday night?

Karl: Suzanne said...

Steve: What would you have done, on a Sunday night rather, what would you have done, had you been at home?

A quiet moment of contemplation.

Karl: I would have stayed in with Suzanne, right, watching telly, had a nice bit of pate on toast or something, cup of tea, watching 24, but instead I had to buy an expensive suit, so I didn't show you up.

Ricky stifles a laugh.

Ricky: Jesus Christ.

Steve: Yeah, how much did you spend on your suit?

Karl: Well, in total, right, cos of you know, the shoes, and the suit and the shirt and the tie; it was about 600 quid.

Ricky and Steve explode with laughter.

Steve: That's the most expensive evening ever!

Karl: Well, that's what I'm saying to ya and the daft thing is it's dark in there, I don't know why you've got to wear a nice suit.

Steve: You can't wear a tracksuit for goodness sake!

Ricky: He said “it's dark in there!”

Karl: No, just a shirt and that, it doesn't make you a better person, wearing a suit.

Ricky: No. It doesn't make you a better person, no.

Steve: We're not claiming it made you a better person.

Karl: No, well, that annoyed me.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, I mean it was an experience, that's why I went, cos, you think, if I didn't go, I would have said to you when you invited me, 'no Steve, I don't wanna go' I would never have known, right and I've, I've, that's my sort of thing in life, right, if something comes up, you should take it, even if you're not gonna like it, it's a bit of an experience.

Steve: You know what he said to me, I phoned him up, cos we had to meet up and obviously he had to pose as my gay lover...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...to get in right. What was it, you said something to me, like “I've bought a suit, I'm looking good”, he said “I'm looking good, people'll think how on earth did he end up with that good looking guy.”

Ricky: So he got into the role!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He started...

Steve: ...That was what he said to me.

Ricky: He started getting into it!

Steve: Such an insult.

Ricky: Play a record, Karl.

Steve: I must just say we've had an email from Darryl, all sorts of people have emailed in saying well done on the Baftas and well done on your Room 101, they really like it.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: This one guy here, Darryl, says “Ricky, has your dad only got one demob suit?”

Ricky brays with laughter.

Steve: Cos I don't know if you've noticed but Ricky wears the same suit, every single time he appears on TV, cos he spent a fortune on it, getting it tailor-made.

Ricky: I've only got one.

Steve: It's a good suit, and now he's wearing it all the time.

Ricky: I know, I know, and it's winter as well and it's like pure wool so I'm sweating everywhere I go...anyway. Usually it's too much cheese.

Karl: I won't be buying another.

Ricky: Uh?

Karl: I won't be buying another one?

Ricky: Ever.

Karl: That's it.

Karl: Suzanne told me today, right, cos I've gone, I've handed it in today, to have the trousers turned up a bit...

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Cos, it was a bit of a bodge job for the night.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was just some pins holding it up the other night, but you didn't notice and I didn't tell ya, cos I thought you'd be getting on the stage and saying look at that freak over there, with his pants hemmed up.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: But I took it, I took it to the place to get it done, Suzanne tells me that I'm gonna start shrinking now, I'm getting to that age where you start getting smaller.

Ricky laughs uncontrollably.

Ricky: I love that, that must have been a revelation to you and a worry, like “how small do you get?” “how small do you get?” Oh...

Steve: Right, what we playing now?

Karl: I thought we'd have a little bit of 'Mali Music'.

Steve: 'Mali Music'?

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: Okay, go on then.

Song: Mali Music – Sunset Coming On

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – Something To Talk About.

You're Better Looking On TV Than You Are In Real Life

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy – 'Something To Talk About', it's a good job we've got something to talk about, cos we're DJs on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Stephen Merchant, course there Karl Pilkington, how you doing?

Steve: Course, you must have been excited at the Baftas cos we did bump into Dr Fox.

Karl: Oh, yeah.

Steve: Pleased with that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What was the challenge again? The challenge was, you had to shout 'foxy'.

Ricky: Yeah, the challenge was, it's sort of like 'Jackass' but wimpy Jackass, Karl was our cameraman for the night, cos we're doing the making of, sort of, series two, where we've filmed ourselves sort of writing it and doing bits and pieces and going to awards and all that, and, er, it's on me, and my challenge, I think, was it me that set my own challenge?

Steve: I think you did.

Ricky: I had to shout “foxy!” and get him over and I bottled out five times, I just thought, he was talking to someone and then I did it and it, where's the victory in that? I shouted 'Foxy' and he came over and went “alright” and I thought 'where's the victory?', Jackass, they dive off buildings and things.

Steve: I was a little bit taken aback though, cos even though he was joking and mucking around, he was swearing, you don't expect that from Foxy.

Ricky: Oh, behave, he was off duty.

Steve: No, I mean he's more than welcome, you just don't expect him to, he seemed like a lovely bloke, though, but he has got an enormous head, I mean I'm not gonna...

Ricky: But I've got a problem with that.

Steve: I'm not disrespecting him he's a lovely guy, but his head is huge.

Ricky: But, it's in proportion with his big body though, he's a big, he's a chunky wombat of a man.

Steve: Fair enough.

Ricky: So am I!

Karl: It was a problem getting him on, on screen.

Steve: Cos of the huge head?

Karl: Yeah, I was struggling.

Steve: Well, I know the Pop Idol people had worries about that, they had to get special lenses.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. I love the fact that us three freaks, can take the piss out of anyone.

Steve: Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop there though Rick, cos I was on TV briefly, there was a thing about The Office on Top Ten TV Bastards on Channel 4 and I appeared on there briefly talking about the show, and, erm, there's this girl who's girlfriend of a friend of mine and she's, she said “I saw you on TV last night”, I went 'yeah', she went “I tell you this, you're better looking on TV than you are in real life and that's good for ya.” and I want, I went, I was like, I didn't know if that was a compliment, cos it's like...

Ricky: Definitely not.

Steve: ... well I'm not on TV, so it's not beneficial in any way.

Ricky: Yeah and sooner or later you have to step out of the TV.

Steve: But that's like saying, I normally find you pretty repulsive, my opinion changed slightly last night cos you were on the box, but it didn't, it sounded like a compliment.

Ricky: Through the aid of a different...

Steve: Through the aid of lighting, and appearing for 12 seconds on screen, in small doses...

Ricky: Oh god.

Steve: She thought I wasn't as bad looking as I was in real life.

Ricky: A lot of people have phoned in and have wondered if you are Morph grown up, because they've seen a picture of you on the website.

Steve: Do you mean, me or Karl?

Ricky: Karl.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: No, cos people have seen you, next to a picture of Morph and it's exac- if you draw round, honestly Karl, if you lay you down and draw round you, it's exactly the same shape as Morph, or the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Steve: Or a gingerbread man.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: You do look like a gingerbread man, it's a great...

Ricky: Oh I love, Karl, we think you're brilliant, we like looking at you, talking to you, hearing what you got to say, we think of you don't we, in the week sometimes.

Steve: Rick, I had a bit of good news this morning...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: And I don't mean this in any way, I'm sure it's an emotional thing for her, but in The Sun it says that Dido, her wedding's off...

Ricky: Right.

Steve: ..., just thinking 'ding-dong'...

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: ...cos for some reason, I don't know what it is, I was having a chat with my mates, I've always been under the assumption I could pull Dido.

Ricky: Because she's...

Steve: Because she's quite ordinary, d'you know what I mean, she looks a bit ordinary, she's quite an attractive woman but like in...

Ricky: Would that be an opening chat up line.

Steve: 'You look quite ordinary'.

Ricky: “Dido, I don't think you could get anything better looking than me, because you're not too hot yourself”

Steve: Exactly...

Ricky: “My name's Steve Merchant...”

Steve: ...I'd wear a, actually what I'd do is go 'right, I'm not gonna meet you in the flesh, I'm gonna send a picture of me on video...'

Ricky: Send a video...

Steve: 'I look great.'

Ricky: “This is me on Top TV Bastards, what do you think?”

Steve: See what you think.

Ricky: “And if you think it's good, well I'm certainly no worse, without the lighting and make-up, so don't worry about that.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Oh, Dido.

Ricky: Shall we have a little bit of Bowie? Shall we have a little bit of Bowie?

Steve: What's your thing about Dido, she's like a kind of, she's a bit like a receptionist...

Ricky: Who got up and sang once, cos she you knows a few tunes...

Steve: At karaoke .

Ricky: ...and a bloke came up, “Er, hi, I'm, Gridling Records, I'm thinking of releasing a CD” and it just goes mental.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Everyone buys it.

Karl: It's good though innit.

Steve: But she should be doing photocopying or filing, do you not think? The way she looks, she's got that very kind of suburban look.

Karl: No, but the whole look thing annoys me, d'you know there's another Popstars thing starting.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's going on in Ireland, apparently it's Ireland's version of it.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: And today, you saw all these kids like rushing in, fat ones there and ugly kids, and you're thinking it's sad and everything they might have a good voice, but they've no chance, right, and there was a woman there who looked a bit like Britney, and the bloke straight away before even hearing the voice - “Britney lookalike over there, go and get her in, give her a ticket, she's through to the next phase.” and it's just annoying, Dido isn't beautiful, but she's nice enough, d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, that's why she's fine for me, I mean, you know...

Karl: They don't all have to be stunning.

Steve: ...my standards are quite low.

Ricky: D'you think Steve should go out with her then? I mean, that's what we're asking ya, do you think he should?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, let's have a little bit of Bowie.

Steve: (Hooting)Thanks Karl, try and fix that up for next week.

Song: David Bowie - Fashion

Spandau Ballet – Golfy Golfy

Ricky: Fashion – David Bowie, we were doing a bit of voguing sort of crossed with body popping there, weren't we Karl?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Played that last night Rick, during the set...

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: ...that was described as, by Zane Lowe, as one of the best sets he's ever seen.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: He didn't say those exact words.

Ricky: No, no, no, but I- I think Zane just sent an email saying he's giving up, cos there's no point, when he hears stuff like that, he said 'I thought I was a DJ, after seeing Steve Merchant, I'm obviously not.'

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: No, so...

Steve: Yeah, Big Boy Jim was down there.

Ricky: Yeah, Big Boy Jim was going, er, well I, you know.

Steve: 'I don't know what I was thinking', but I like the idea, cos you know Fat Boy Slim did Brighton beach, didn't he and he had like 20,000 people in Brighton beach.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Everyone was loving it, just the idea of me down in Weston-super-Mare, doing the same...

Ricky: With eighty...

Steve: ...with the donkeys.

Ricky: ...with 86 people. Have you ever seen that thing Karaoke Challenge, on Challenge TV?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's great, they're all doing it and it's sort of like Jonathon whatshisname from Bread.

Steve: Jonathon Morris.

Ricky: And all those sort of people there, the camera pulls out and there's about 8 people there.

Steve: But, what I love about Karaoke Challenge is, it's not even Night Fever.

Ricky builds up a grin into a chuckle into a cackle.

Steve: Imagine that, talk about...wow...

Ricky: Oh, dear. We tried to get on that once didn't we.

Steve: On Karaoke Challenge?

Ricky: Yeah, when we were doing that Comedy Lab.

Steve: Yeah, we were gonna do it.

Ricky: I was gonna do it in character wasn't I?

Steve: You were gonna do it, as David Bowie.

Ricky: So, we'd have a little bit of footage.

Steve: Yeah, that would have been great and they wouldn't even let you on.

Ricky: That was terrible.

Steve: That was how minor a celebrity you were at the time...

Ricky: I remember once, right, this is how sad we were, we tried for about an hour, to get on the Chris Moyles Show, they were doing a competition, he was doing this competition, erm, er, it was about golf, wasn't it, so it was like things with er, erm...

Steve: Yeah, no it was, you had to think of...

Ricky: ...puns on...

Steve: ...a song title, but you had to make it into a golfing pun.

Ricky: People were calling up going “what about 'Drive' by The Cars”, he was going 'Drive by The Cars very good', and it was like, er, thing like, you know what I mean, things like, something tee and that, and I wanted to phone up and go “Hello. Chris Moyles... what about Spandau Ballet – Golfy Golfy something”.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Just be mental, and I was trying, we tried, we must have spent about 30 quid.

Steve: An hour we tried to do it.

Ricky: Just to get on and do something stupid. How pathetic is that.

Steve: And he wouldn't even let us on.

Karl: What were the others, it's a good game that.

Ricky: Oh god.

Steve: Phone in, if you've got any amusing puns on songs and golf.

Ricky: Yeah, please.

Karl: What did you say? What was your...

Ricky: Spandau Ballet, 'Golfy Golfy'.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Karl: er...

Ricky: Yeah, do you like that one?

Karl: It's a good little game. Err...

Ricky: Yeah, you thinking?

Karl: What else...

Ricky: Are you thinking? What are you doing Karl? You're thinking on the radio. That's what you're doing. It's a first. You're actually broadcasting thinking.

Steve: Can we be quiet and listen to Karl think?

Ricky: Yeah.

Sound of Karl thinking.

More thinking.

A bit more.

Steve: Oh...

Ricky: Anything?

Steve: Got anything there, any golfing puns?

Ricky: You know, people say, Karl, it's impossible to catch yourself not thinking, now I reckon if there's one man, in the world...

Karl: 'Hole In My Shoe'. That fella in The Young Ones. Hole... and there's one on a golf course.

Ricky: He's got a little, has he got a little cold as well? Cos you're...

Karl: I am, I was telling Steve before, on the tube, last Saturday night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Kills me.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: Every time I go on the tube, I just get full of a cold and everything and full of flu, it's down to going on the tube.

Ricky: Is it?

Steve: Someone told me that every time you go on the tube, it's the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Cos of the sort of gunk and pollution down there.

Karl: And have you heard the other one?

Ricky: And, I always smoke two cigarettes on the tube.

Steve: Yeah, that gets on my nerves.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: The whatshername one about the, er, ...

Ricky: Oh here we go.

Karl: ...all the hair, all like the hairballs that are in the tubes.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: ...because of people stood on the platform, trains go whizzing passed at high speeds, takes a bit of your hair off... and don't say anything.

Ricky explodes with laughter.

Steve: What, you mean don't question the science of that?

Ricky: No, he means...

Karl: Because of my head.

Steve: Oh I see yeah.

Karl: Right, and, er, apparently, they all get caught up, in the tunnels and you have to clean it out now and again cos there's big hair balls, on the, on the lines. It's a...

Ricky: On the lions?

Karl: On the, on the train lines.

Ricky: Right.

Karl sniffs.

Karl: Yeah, so that's a terrible place, that's why I'm all bunged up and that's, when you came in today, I was like, looking on the websites, to see how much badness there is down in the tubes.

Steve: How much badness is there?

Karl: Oh, loads.

Steve: Is there a lot of badness?

Karl: Loads.

Ricky: (DJ Voice) if you know how much badness there is on the tube, call in 08700...

Steve: What sort of things did you find?

Ricky: ...800 1234. How much badness is there?

Karl: There was just about, you know, the germs, how there's no fresh air and that's why I was asking you about people committing suicide on trains and that, how often it happens, and apparently two people, er, a week, was it two a week? Or two a day?

Ricky: Hold on it was two cigarettes, how many people is it?

Karl: Two people.

Ricky: (DJ Voice) 08700 800 1234, how many people per cigarettes is it like, killing yourself on the tube? Call in.

Karl: Two people a week, try and kill 'emselves, or something.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: On the tubes.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: It's bad that...

Ricky: It is. Terrible, shall we play a record?

Karl: If you want.

Steve: Have we got the new big Eminem single.

Karl: No, I was gonna...

Steve: Well, we'll tease them with that, we'll play that a bit later. Plus...

Ricky: We are gonna play it though, we are gonna play the new Eminem single.

Steve: ...we will, plus obviously we've got this big celebrity bag to give away, as well.

Ricky: Oh yeah, let me just do it quick, quickly play a record...

Steve: Let's play a record and explain...

Ricky: ...and I'll quickly explain the competition after that.

Karl: Doves.

Ricky: Doves, would be good.

Song: Doves – There Goes The Fear

Song: Eminem – Without Me

Brains In A Bag Curry Microwave Head Story

Ricky: Eminem, 'Without Me', on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Little Karl Pilkington. Into the last hour, three hours of broadcasting to go, Karl, for us three.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. The Three Amig-

Steve: What are you gonna be doing?

Ricky: The Three Musketeers.

Steve: Cos you'll obviously still be working here, you have a day job don't you? What is it you do exactly?

Karl: I make stuff.

Steve: You make stuff? What, like furniture?

Karl: Promos and stuff.

Steve: Right, right, right.

Karl: Sort of, bit of in-talk there, but basically like little trails for the station.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's what I do all week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, you'll be back to doing that, when we're off...

Ricky: You don't talk to anyone, do you, in the week, you just hide in your little sound-booth thing and you really don't talk to anyone do you, much.

Karl: Not really.

Ricky: No.

Karl: You know you might, you might call up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But, no, I keep myself to myself.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Then you don't get bogged down in the office politics and stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, is there a lot of office politics here?

Karl: I don't know, I don't get involved in it.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, you've proved your point.

Steve: So, sorry, when we're away and out of action, who, other than Suzanne, who will you talk to, of a day?

Ricky: How will you get sort of, feedback from the world. How will you get, sort of, like input.

Karl: I always, if I ever, if I've ever got like a question or anything, the internet's sat there, and I can just go online and find out.

Ricky: The internet is good...

Karl: It's brilliant.

Ricky: But it's not all verified.

Karl: What d'you mean?

Ricky: It's not all verified.

Steve: It's not all factually, necessarily factually accurate.

Ricky: Anyone can put things onto the internet. It's the...you know...it's, it's freaks and things that put on...

Karl: Here's one.

Ricky: ...things like...

Karl: Here's one that I read in the week.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: About this woman.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: She was a bit of a punk, and to, erm get her hair done like she wanted it...

Ricky: Superglue?

Karl: No, she got lard, apparently it's a popular thing, you, you might know, put lard on your head and put it in the oven, now the sort of heat you get from an oven is different from the sort of heat you get from a hairdryer; right, and she had to do that to get the style she wanted, but anyway, she comes in to money or whatever, treats herself to a microwave, right...

Ricky: Doesn't, it's not true, Karl.

Karl: Opens the door, jams the things, you know like the little catch, so the microwave works, she jams it with a screwdriver or a knife or something.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Pops the microwave on, sticks her head in, boils her brain.

Steve: Don't be ridiculous.

Karl: Right. Why is that ridiculous?

Ricky: “Boils her brain.”

Karl: She boiled her brain.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: She boiled her brain?

Karl: And this is what's good about the internet, I went straight from that, and there was a subject about brains, and d'you know that Russell Crowe, when he dies, he's, he's giving his brain to charity or something, some sort of, some people who can do do stuff with it.

Steve: Like she gave hers to Pot Noodle?

Ricky enjoys a chuckle.

Ricky: Vesta.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Boiling her skull.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: That's, it's not true.

Steve: It's not true Karl.

Ricky: It's the same as the woman who put her poodle in the microwave isn't it, and all that.

Steve: It's just urban myths.

Ricky: They're urban myths.

Karl: But, again, where does it start?

Moment of silence.

Steve: Someone made it up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: For a laugh.

Ricky: There just too convenient urban myths, everyone, you can tell an urban myth's not true, cos they always go 'this happened to a mate of mine' and when you say 'what happened then?' they go 'don't know, that was it, was it? Was that it was it? Someone boiled her brain and that was it, there was no more story?'

Steve: Were there any dates? Locations? Times?

Karl: I think it was in Belgium.

Ricky: There's that, there's that, there's that...

Ricky pauses to laugh.

Ricky: ...there was that one that 'a bloke right, was gonna get a phone call at 4 o'clock to find out, whether his business was okay or not, right, and if he didn't get the phone call, he knew he was broke, he was destitute, so dead on 4 o'clock the phone didn't ring, so he went up to the roof of his office, to jump off commit suicide and as he was passing his window, the phone was ringing.'

Karl: Oh no.

Steve hoots, Ricky cackles.

Steve: Karl it didn't happen.

Ricky: It didn't happen.

Steve: Think it through.

Ricky: Think it through, who told that story? Who told that story, as he hit the pavement at 120mph.

Steve: He's the only person that could have know those, that series of incidents.

Ricky: Also, why didn't he...

Steve: He's dead.

Ricky: ...as his life's at stake, why didn't he wait until five past, 'actually I'm gonna give it five minutes just in case...”

Steve: Just in case the line's busy.

Ricky: Yeah and what sort of, what sort of bloke goes “I'll call you at 4, okay if your business is...” 'Well, call me anyway' “No, no, if I don't call at exactly 4 then commit suicide” 'Commit suicide?' “I would, cos if I don't call at 4, urgh, that's the end of it.” 'Well, call me anyway!' “Noo, that's not the way I work.” 'Why can't you just call me and tell me either way?' “Well, I'm telling you how we do it, if you're bust we don't call” 'Can't you just call to verify, in case something goes wrong, what if it's engaged?' “It won't be engaged. Just commit suicide at 4, please.” It, it didn't happen Karl! Have you heard the other one right, a bloke right, he's on a train station, and, I'll tell you how I heard it, he's waiting at Crewe station, and heeee shits himself, as you do and so he goes oh no, my train's in five minutes, so he runs across to Millets, and goes 'quick Levi's 36, the bloke just puts it in a bag, he runs onto the train, he goes into the, the toilet, he takes his trousers and pants off.

Steve: His soiled trousers and pants.

Ricky: Yes. Throws them out of the window, I won't be needing those again, cleans himself off, opened the bag it's a jacket!

Karl: Oh!

Ricky: No it didn't happen Karl!

Steve: It didn't happen Karl!

Ricky: At what point did he go into a – and go 'quick Levi's 36', and the bloke went “Sorry Levis 36? What a pair?” 'no, no, no', “Shall I wrap 'them'?” 'Them? it.' “It, shall I wrap?” “Just wrap, whatever it is' “D'you wanna look?” 'No! I'm not looking when you're putting it in the bag, please, right...' “Well, what 36 waist or insid-?” 'Well, no don't say anything.”

Steve: 'I've told you 36 Levi's, now put it in a bag and charge me for it.'

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'I don't wanna discuss it further.'

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: There was one...

Ricky: Here we go.

Karl: There was one about a woman whose husband died, and she had him cremated, and made like a little egg timer out of him, and she said “I did that, so he can still help around the kitchen.”

Steve hoots.

Ricky: Well, that might be true. That might be a joke.

Steve: That's quite sweet.

Ricky: Might be true.

Karl: No, that is a true story again. It was...

Ricky: No, not again, cos the ones I just told weren't, nor is the boiling the brains in a bag curry microwave...

Steve: ...head story, true.

Ricky: Yeah. They're too, they're too convenient.

Karl: Will you be buried or cremated?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Will you be buried or cremated?

Ricky: I don't know, by, cremated. I imagine...

Karl: What about you Steve?

Steve: I don't know, it's out of my hands.

Ricky: Yeah, I haven't thought about it?

Steve: I've not thought it through and I don't care either way.

Ricky: Have you heard the one about...

Steve: Do we...

Ricky: Sorry.

Steve: I'm just worried, that we're getting into a macabre world now of ashes, boiled heads, I think we should play some music, let people just calm down...

Ricky: Levi's.

Steve: Just think about some of the urban myths they maybe they've heard.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Assess them, maybe they are absolute bollocks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And they can move on from it.

Karl: It's just that, the death thing, right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: There was an argument on there, about you know that Twilight Zone or whatever it was, Tales of the Unexpected...

Ricky: Oh yeah...

Karl: ...where the woman got buried alive.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They were saying how like, years ago, erm, they buried people thinking they're dead...

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And they've, they've recently like dug coffins up and then the people who were in the coffin, weren't dead, they might have just been in like some deep sleep...

Ricky: Catatonic.

Karl: And they've lifted the lid off and there's scratch marks on the thing.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And that's pretty scary.

Ricky: Makes you think, I mean I hope they check these days, that's all. I'd like to play a beautiful song now by Cat Stevens, called 'Lilywhite', it's lovely.

Steve: A Song For The Lovers, Rick?

Ricky: Yeah. Big sell...

Song: Cat Stevens – Lilywhite.

Song: Cooper Temple Clause – Who Needs Enemies?

Karl's Swap Shop

Ricky: Cooper Temple Clause, there, 'Who Needs Enemies?' on Xfm 104.9, well, it's competition time, if you want that celebrity, celebrity endorsed bag, from the Baftas, erm Jane had a good idea, she thinks we should revive sort of Swap Shop, because a competition...

Steve: I loved Swap Shop, I think it's a great game.

Ricky: It's great, it was great right. But a competition, or just saying why you need it right... but this way you know, it's how much you can give, and I think it should be what will endorse Karl's life, a theme of the last season I suppose, we're ending a season now of this show aren't we; and one of the big themes is really 'develop Karl', 'enhance Karl'...

Steve: Rejuvenate him in a way.

Ricky: What do you think Karl would want, have you got something he'd love, it could be battling tops, and you know, you've gotta say why he'd love your old battling tops, it can be a book...

Steve: Sorry, what's a battling top? Is this something you used to take to school, like with your hoop and stick...

Ricky: No, it was a little game.

Steve: ...and your baked potato.

Ricky: It was in the wrist action...

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: ...it was like little tops right, you'd have four players right, and you'd spin, wind it round, like cotton right, and hold a little... I'm getting excited thinking about it...

Steve: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ricky: No, I know, I'm getting over-excited, it was just battling tops...

Steve: Was this something like?

Ricky: And you pull it yeah!

Karl: Oh that one.

Ricky: And it goes mad.

Karl: Don't send us one of them, I've had one.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Don't give any clues! It can be something educational, it can be something personal to you that you think might enhance, so the competition is, basically if you want that bag...

Steve: Let's just explain what the bag is, it's one of these sort of cardboard giveaway bags, that we got at the Baftas, it's got a nice picture of the Bafta logo, we got it signed by Graham Norton, Angus Deayton, Alan Davies, Jamie Theakston, Paul Whitehouse, Helen Baxendale, Steve “Phil Mitchell” McFadden, erm, Simon Pegg, Steve Wright, the three of us, and, er, a nice little, sort of, you know, if you like kind of autographs, or you're an autograph hunter, or whatever else, or you just like the bag.

Ricky: Or you like the show.

Steve: You know, then...

Ricky: Or you want a little piece of Karl...

Steve: Little bit of history.

Ricky: ...or you wanna give Karl something, a bit of yourself.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: To enhance his life, really.

Steve: Let's get it straight, it's something you have, it doesn't have to be very expensive, it doesn't necessarily have to be a worthy thing, could be something you've made.

Ricky: Karl has to go 'I want that'.

Steve: Something that enhances Karl's life in some way, something that will make his life a little bit more special, a little bit better.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And this is a write or email only, we don't want your phone calls on this, cos we're just too lazy.

Ricky: What could make Karl's life a little bit more special.

Steve: And we'll give it away next week, so you've got a week to email or write in with your suggestions, about what it is that you'd wanna swap for this celebrity bag.

Ricky: Is it [email protected]?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Or you can write, Xfm P.O. Box 1049 London WC2 H7XX.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Give 'em out again Rick, you maybe ought to mention something like 'Gervais Bag'...

Ricky: I think, I think, er, erm, Karl's Swap Shop.

Steve: Karl's Swap Shop.

Karl: Or er...

Steve: Well, let's not confuse it.

Karl: It's just good to have a good name.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: What you thinking?

Steve: Is this gonna take as long as the golfing pun?

Ricky: Is this thinking on radio again? Is this thinking on radio again?

Karl: Alright, we'll just do that.

Steve: It can't just be Karl@xfm... is it not Karl.Pilkington?

Karl: Yeah, with a 'K'. But the thing is why are they emailing me? I'm not taking any bribes, they've gotta send the stuff in.

Steve: No, no, no.

Ricky: No, course they haven't. 100 people send something in and you send 99 back?

Karl: Nah I won't, oh I see what you mean.

Steve: They just email or write in with their suggestion.

Ricky: Leave it to us Karl.

Steve: Make sure that you mention, who you are if you emailing and leave a telephone number as well, we need a telephone number, we gotta call you back.

Ricky: Let me give you an example, I like the bag, I want the bag, right, I think this would enhance Karl's life, because I am sending a Feng Shui book, something like that. You know what I mean? I am sending Karl a teddy bear.

Steve: You have to explain why though, obviously, we can't...

Ricky: Why you think this, you know...

Steve: This is getting so much more complicated than it need to.

Ricky: I'm bored with it.

Steve: It was such an easy idea.

Ricky: Throw the bag away, burn the bag.

Steve hoots.

Steve: Give out the addresses again Rick.

Ricky: Burn the bag.

Ricky: Okay, it's Xfm P.O. Box 1049, that's easy to remember, London WC2 H7XX.

Steve: And the email?

Ricky: I can't remember.

Steve: [email protected], with a 'K'.

Karl: With a 'K'.

Steve: Alright, well done.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Man alive, that was exhausting. I'll tell you...

Ricky: Any clues Karl, what would you like?

Karl: I really don't know. Honest to god, I can't help anyone out here.

Ricky: You just see something you like when you see it.

Karl: Well, there might be something out there I don't know about; and yet it is...

Ricky: I'm sure there is.

Karl: D'you know...

Ricky: I'm sure there's something out there you don't know about.

Steve: There's things in this room you don't understand.

Ricky chortles.

Karl: Nah, but...

Steve: Okay, look, we played it before once and I know you were charmed by it.

Ricky: Yeah, I love this.

Steve: I'm a big fan of this...

Ricky: I love this.

Steve: It's from Aimee Mann's album, Bachelor No. 2 and this is 'Red Vines', play it.

Song: Aimee Mann - Red Vines.

Mann's Been Around Longer Than Crow

Ricky: Beautiful.

Steve: I know Karl's not impressed, as ever, I don't know what your criteria for music appreciation is at all Karl.

Karl: It's just that you build 'em up as being something really good, and then I hear it and it's like...

Steve: But I don't know what it is that you're expecting to hear...

Ricky: What are we meant to say?

Steve: ...that means it's really good.

Ricky: What are we meant to say? Oh this is...

Steve: This is a mediocre track.

Ricky: This is alright.

Karl: Listen, when you played Simon and Garfunkel, they've got their own unique sound, you know it's them when they sing, that could have been loads of women that I know.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: “It could have been loads of women that you know”? You only know your girlfriend.

Karl: What I mean, Sheryl Crow, sounded like Sheryl Crow to me.

Steve: Yeah, but Crow...

Ricky: Well only superficially.

Steve: But Mann's been around longer than Crow, who knows what influences she may have had.

Ricky: That sounds like a fable, doesn't it, “Mann's been around longer than Crow”.

Ricky and Steve chuckle.

Steve: But I mean that's just, you know there's a number of, let's be honest Rick, there's not that many great female artists, are there?

Ricky: (DJ voice) Oh, hey be careful there Steve, some of the sisters out there'll be disagreeing with ya.

Steve: I'm not saying they can't sing a beautiful song, I'm just worried they can't write the material.

Ricky: I'm thinking, I'm thinking of Bush, I'm thinking of...

Steve: Aren't we all Rick, aren't we all.

Ricky: I'm thinking of Armatrading.

Steve: (Chuckling) That's true enough.

Ricky: I am thinking of...

Steve: Anastacia.

Ricky: Anastacia.

Steve: I know you love Anastacia, don't you?

Ricky: I love her new one. I love that new one, I mean I don't like her other stuff...

Steve: It sounds like the other two.

Ricky: But it's sort of there's a good chorus I can do...

Steve does an impression of the 'I'm Outta Love' chorus.

Ricky: ...her dance. That dance at the end where she puts her arms up. I like that one.

Steve: She does sound like, she's very much the new Tina Turner.

Ricky: Yeah, that's the only I've liked and...

Steve continues his impression.

Ricky: ...and me and Steve think that she's sort of one of those people that go out with her daughter.

Steve: Well, the reason is because, if you've noticed she always wears sunglasses.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I'm sure that she's, cos she claims to be something like 28, I bet she's like 40...

Ricky: It's like one of those 40 year old women...

Steve: ...she's got crow's feet.

Ricky: ...who come from Essex, but they come at their daughter's 21st, and they're going 'Your mum's mad', “They think we're sisters! They're like, you know, I'm 40 and she's 21...”

Steve: She always flirts with her daughter's boyfriend.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Where you going', “we're going, we're going down millionaires.” 'I'll come down meself'

Ricky: “Your mum's mad, look your mum's got her bra off.”

Ricky does an Essex girl laugh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Don't you think she looks like that Karl?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I can't picture her.

Steve: You can't picture Anastacia?

Karl: No, she wears glasses?

Steve: Sunglasses, all the time, yeah.

Karl: Nah...nah.

Ricky: You're not into this are you, Karl, this whole sort of broadcast thing has just... you're fed up with it aren't ya, you can't wait to finish next week.

Karl: Well, it just seems I can't say anything right.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Well, whatever I say, isn't right.

Ricky: Or funny.

Karl: No, but d'you know what I mean?

Ricky: What cos we, wh-what are you upset about, I laughed at the urban myth, not being true.

Karl: Hmm.

Ricky: Yeah and...

Steve: But on- one of the things , if you take nothing else away, from our time on the radio, it should be to be more inquisitive, when a piece of information comes to you, don't just take it at face value, query and question it, that is what has made Ricky Gervais one of the premier thinkers in this country, he will not accept anything on face value, he queries everything, Anastacia – she looks glamourous and twent- but wait a minute those glasses, what do they suggest? Actually she's 40, I'm not gonna buy her records. Things like that.

Ricky: And that's libellous.

Steve: That's potentially libellous.

Ricky cracks up.

Karl: So, so, so, hang on a minute, Roy Orbison then, was he starting to look old?

Ricky goes mental.

Steve: We're not saying everyone who wears sunglasses is necessarily older than their years.

Ricky: No, we're not even saying about Anastacia, we're just doing about an image, one of those sort of like ravers that goes to their daughter's... it was just, it was a bit of light observational comedy to be honest Karl.

Steve: You've seen through it mate. Yeah, you've torn it to shreds.

Ricky: She's not 40. You know what I mean? She doesn't hang out around with much younger people, chatting up their boyfriends, it wasn't true.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: What do you want, what do you want in life Karl, tell me now, cos me and Steve can probably sort it out.

Steve: That's true enough, come on.

Ricky: What do you want? Wh- wh- what's the best thing...

Steve: What would make your life...

Ricky: What song, if you could play any song now? What would it be?

Karl: Well, we're gonna be spinning one of me favourites later on.

Ricky: 'Killing of Georgie'.

Karl: 'Killing of Georgie'.

Ricky: We sorted that out, you've probably got a lovely few gifts, you can choose from, just cos we got a few signatures on a piece of paper, d'you know what I mean? What more d'you want out of life?

Karl: I always find that...

Ricky: D'you want a cat? You want a cat don't ya.

Karl: It's the things that you don't think you gonna get, that you enjoy the most. Right.

Ricky: Go on, like what.

Karl: No, like when you go out , for a night and you're expecting to have a simple little drink and it turns out to be a really nice night, you see people you haven't seen in ages, now the Baftas, are so sort of, you expect so much...

Ricky: He's having a go ain't he?

Karl: But when you get there, you get that little bit of veg as a starter, and you think look at it, they've tried to make it look good, but really as I said to you, I mean, you don't eat veg, which I find mental, but like the starter that we had, that was like, how would you describe that?

Ricky: It was like a veg pie, from the, from the, I was starving when I went in there right, and from there, er, stairs, I could see the tables, and it looked like there was pate laid out, and I was getting excited, I was salivating, I got there, it was a vegetable pie.

Karl: I said to Steve...

Ricky: So...

Steve: Vegetable pie!

Ricky: Who ga- someone took mine, and I gave it away.

Steve: It wasn't a vegetable pie.

Ricky: Whitehouse took mine, didn't he?

Steve: Yeah, but, Rick, you won't eat anything, all you'll eat is pizza and crisps.

Karl: Rubbish.

Ricky: D'you know what he said to me in the week? I was picking at my food in the BBC canteen, and he went “right, right, I'm honestly thinking of stopping having lunch with you.” I went 'what?' he went “it winds me up” he said “it winds me up, it winds me up, you won't eat anything, it's a lovely bit of chicken there, you're not eating that, you're not eating that, it winds me up too much, like you get irritated by people, noise and that, you eating it just winds me up Gervais” and then he went “you're a cock.”

Steve: Yeah, it really annoyed me. His eating habits drive me mad. Cos he's constantly whinging about the fact that he thinks he's got cancer, every 25 seconds 'wait a minute, I got, I can feel a lump, I can feel a lump', “it's your cock”, 'no it's not, it wasn't there before, it wasn't there, it's a lump, it's a lump, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, quick to the hospital' I have been, how many times have you been to a doctor's clinic, and sat in the waiting room, right, Karl how many times have you been there with a friend of yours? Twice I've been with Ricky. One time when we were writing the 1st series of The Office, we were writing in the waiting room, for the doctor, cos he had to go in there, and have his, cos he thought he had testicular cancer.

Gervais explodes with laughter.

Steve: I swear to god.

Ricky: I'd seen a thing about it.

Steve: He thought he had testicular cancer.

Ricky: I just said, he put my mind, I never worry about that again, he said no you're not in the risk group and that, the other time was...

Steve: But, wait a minute...

Ricky: The other time...

Steve: ...he had to go in there...

Ricky: The other time was I thought I had stomach cancer and I went, she went 'why?' I said “oh god...” and she said 'When you get a sore throat do you think you have throat cancer?', I said “I have thought that.” And she sort of, she sort of said get out or here you idiot, and that's what I like, I like that when they do that, but I think it's sort of since my mum died of it, and I just think 'oh god it's in the family', and that's the thing I worry about.

Karl: But, d'you prefer, I mean I don't go, cos it scares me, I prefer...

Ricky: Yeah, I'm like that.

Karl: ...I prefer not to go, cos he might, I always worry that, especially with cancer and things, that they'll go, you know, I'll go there with a sore leg or something and they'll go 'no, your legs fine, but look at this we've found in your head.'

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: If it's a brain you'll be laughing!

Karl: No, but d'you know what I mean? They'll find something, cos none of us are perfect, and as you get older, you get little moles and stuff and they say 'oh we best get rid of that' it's like leave it alone, it's not causing any problems.

Ricky: (Through an explosion of laughter) Imagine arguing! “That shouldn't be there.” 'Leave it alone, it's not...' “Well it is it's getting bigger and it's strangling your lungs.”

Steve: But Rick's sort of like, but my point was, this is what upsets me, he constantly worries about his health, he's constantly obsessed “I've found some buboes, I think I've got plague.” Every single, I mean every ten minutes, he's got something.

Ricky: I started choking once, cos I swallowed some dust, didn't I?

Steve: Yeah, he swallowed some dust, he started choking, like he'd swallowed a fish bone, right, he was literally, I thought he was gonna die... from dust.

Ricky: And he panicked, he shouted, right I'm choking, I'm going blue and I'm telling him hit me, and he's hitting me on the back, and he shouted 'I don't know the Heimlich Manoeuvre' and I was choking and dying, but then I wanted to laugh, cos he panicked, he was like if he's gonna die I want him to know that I didn't know the Heimlich Manoeuvre...

Steve: I did everything, I did everything I could, but I didn't know the Heimlich Manoeuvre, so that was why I couldn't have saved him.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: But my point is this, he worries about his health and yet he eats like a child, he eats crisps constantly, Coke, he keeps going, 'oh I got a headache, I got a headache', “drink some water”

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: 'No, boring, hate it.'

Ricky: 'Boring', I do say that, yeah.

Steve: Chips, pizza, sausages; sausages, beans and chips, I've never seen someone eat so much sausage, I don't know how he's not bored of it yet. Sausage, chips, beans, everything's gotta have cheese on it, Parmesan cheese please, you know, on anything.

Ricky: Why don't they leave it in a restaurant as well, seriously, why don't they leave the Parmesan cheese it's like it's gold dust or summat, salt, have as much salt as you want, but they, they come along, and I've found myself sneaking, I've said to Jane “look out is the waiter looking, and I've lent over, and did some more Parmesan and I've felt really guilty, just leave it.

Steve: It was on a trifle!

Ricky laughs.

Steve: You don't need cheese on dessert. I've explained it to you.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: It's just, so this is why, this is why I get angry, and that's why... and I tell you this, if I had to be, Ricky was on Room 101, if I had to be on there, I tell you this Ricky Gervais would be the first person in there, he'd be straight in there man, cos I got a list as long as your arm.

Ricky: What did you think when I said annoying people making noises?

Steve: Unbelievable, it was so, yeah, you talked about annoying noises, and people that make noises that are annoying, he is the most irritating man I have ever met, I swear to god, I don't mean that as an insult, you really are, because you go out of your way to be insulting and irritating.

Ricky: Thanks.

Steve: That's fine, but you know, you'd be straight in there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: In fact we should do this next week for Karl, we should draw up a list of Karl's hates, what he'd put in Room 101...

Ricky: Oh, that is...

Steve: ...think about that next week Karl.

Ricky: ...that is genius. Next week, so we've got the competition, we've got Karl, I'll tell you what let's play a record, and do White Van Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Let's slam dunk this mother.

Steve: (Chortling) That's true enough.

Ricky: What you gonna play?

Karl: Some Alpine Stars.

Song: Alpine Stars – Carbon Kid.

It's Better To Drive, Than It Is To Walk On It

Ricky: Alpine Stars – 'Carbon Kid', featuring little Brian from Placebo.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: I thought I recognised him. Yeah, it's alright that. Right, White Van Karl – Karl -Karl.

Steve does sound effects.

Steve: White Van Karl, - yeah this is where we steal the White Van Man column from The Sun, and basically fire those questions at Karl, getting his opinions on the week's news, okay Karl, let me see, let me see, let me see, okay what do you make of this, the average woman, apparently takes 27 minutes to go out, did you know that?

Karl: Are they saying that's a good thing or...

Steve: No, they're saying the bare minimum it takes...

Ricky: No, average surely?

Steve: No, no, no but I remember reading, I'm sure they said it takes them 27 minutes to get ready to go out at the very least I think.

Karl: It's not that bad if it's for a night out, it's, that's, I mean 30 minutes is alright...

Ricky: But if it's going to get 20 Woodbines.

Karl: But...yeah, or you know if the house is on fire and it's like quick get ready and get out.

Ricky: I don't think it's in a, in a fire, no. I think, go on...

Karl: I think twent- that's alright...

Ricky: Twenty minutes is alright.

Steve: How long do you take?

Ricky: I take about 27 minutes.

Karl: I can take up to that.

Ricky: But do they include the getting up, and having a bath, all that.

Steve: It doesn't give me any more details.

Ricky: No?

Karl: 27 minutes...

Ricky: That's difficult to go by. Difficult to go on, that one.

Steve: How long does Suzanne take to go out the house?

Karl: Depends, like I say, if we're just nipping out, just shopping...

Steve: The old flip flops and trackies on.

Karl: Yeah, but going out takes a bit longer don't it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah you gotta iron the trackies.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Good one.

Steve: Okay, erm, another one, I really don't know what the ins and outs of this story are, Sven-Goran Eriksson sticking with Nancy rather than Ulrika.

Ricky: Well, it's his wife innit, or his girlfriend.

Steve: Yeah, I don't know even if this story's true, no-one seems to have offered any evidence for it.

Ricky: Anyway, move on.

Steve: Everyone's remained silent.

Karl: It's rubbish.

Steve: And, er, what do you make of this, David Beckham was driving despite having an injured foot, and just further threatening his World Cup chances. Now obviously you're a big football fan.

Karl: Well, not that big, I like the odd game.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Would that hurt him, would that hurt his foot?

Steve: It can't be good for him.

Ricky: It's not in a plaster, it's not in a big cast is it?

Karl: Surely it's better to drive, than it is to walk on it.

Ricky: Good point.

Steve: Fair enough. Can't argue with that.

Karl: Can't get the bus can he?

Steve: What do you make of this fascist leader who's having a lot of success in the French Presidential elections?

Karl: What's he doing?

Steve: Have you not, have you not come across this story?

Karl: No.

Steve: Right, this is one of the big big political stories.

Ricky: He's far right and he's got nearly 20 percent, in one of the...

Steve: He's a Far Right, fascist leader and he's having considerable success in the French elections.

Ricky: I don't think we should be asking Karl questions like this.

Steve: You've got...

Ricky: I'm getting scared.

Karl: There's all sorts of bad stuff going on in the world that we don't know about.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well, we know about this.

Ricky explodes with laughter.

Karl: Yeah, but you're better off not knowing, cos there's nothing I can do about it.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Steve: You're absolutely right Karl, fair enough. Can't argue with that. Oh god, man alive.

Ricky: That's fantastic. That is brilliant.

Steve: Have we got it, have we got it lined up.

Karl: Bit of Rolling Stones.

Steve: It's the one song I've been wanting to play since we've been on Xfm really, and took me a while to track it down, obviously in the Xfm library, but here it is, 'Gimme Shelter' from The Rolling Stones.

Ricky: It's an amazing track.

Song: The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter

No Evidence Of Him Being Scottish

Steve: 'Gimme Shelter' from The Rolling Stones.

Ricky: (DJ voice) Surely if there was a soundtrack to the Vietnam War, that would be on there, wouldn't it.

Steve hoots.

Steve: Can I just reiterate this giveaway then, we've got this bag signed by a number of celebrities, Graham Norton, Angus Deayton, different people on there, and if you want to win that, you have to email or write in, with what you are willing to swap, okay, so you need to swap something, and something which will enhance Karl's life, could be anything, you could have made, you could have bought it. Anything, but you have to have it, you can to send it to us in exchange for this signed bag and you can email Karl, Karl.Pilkington, Karl with a 'K', [email protected], or you can write to 'The Bag' or 'Ricky Gervais' Big Bag.'

Ricky: I just realised why you've been saying Karl with a 'K', cos you can have Carl with a 'C', can't you.

Steve: Yes you can.

Ricky: As in Cox.

Steve: Absolutely. You can write to Xfm P.O. Box 104.9, 104.9? 1049, London WC2 H7XX, alright.

Ricky: Okay?

Karl: Right.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: Well, there's gonna be a bit of a change, isn't there?

Steve: Yes, that's absolutely right Ricky, normally...

Ricky: We've decided just...

Steve: ...we'd end the show with a Song For The Ladies.

Ricky: ...but, because it's sort of Karl's penultimate show and we're gonna play one of his favourite tracks, what are you gonna...

Steve: I just thought we could play, this, it is obviously 'The Killing of Georgie'...

Ricky: By Rod Stewart.

Steve: ...by Rod Stewart and this is a Song For The Gays.

Ricky giggles.

Rod Stewart: In these days of changing ways, so called liberated days, a story comes to mind of a friend of mine.
Georgie boy was gay I guess, nothin' more or nothin' less, the kindest guy I ever knew.
His mother's tears fell in vain, the afternoon George tried to explain, that he needed love like all the rest.
Pa said there must be a mistake, how can my son not be straight, after all I've said and done for him

Ricky: See his father, took it as a sort of personal sleight, but you can't help it, you know.

Steve: It's not his fault.

Ricky: And as he said, he's just gay, it doesn't make him a nasty person.

Steve: Not at all.

Rod Stewart: Leavin' home on a Greyhound bus, cast out by the ones he loves, a victim of these gay days it seems.

Ricky: Are you enjoying this Karl?

Karl: Yeah, but, I'm not gay.

Steve: No evidence of him being Scottish.

Karl: No, but...

Rod Stewart: Georgie went to New York town, where he quickly settled down and soon became the toast of the great white way.
Accepted by Manhattan's elite, in all the places that were chic, no party was complete without George.
Along the boulevards he'd cruise and all the old queens blew a fuse. Everybody loved Georgie boy

Ricky: When he says they blew a fuse, they're not electricians, he's sort, sort of...

Steve: And it's not a euphemism either.

Ricky giggles.

Rod Stewart: The last time I saw George alive, was in the summer of seventy-five, he said he was in love, I said I'm pleased.
George attended the opening night of another Broadway hype, but split before the final curtain fell.
Deciding to take a short cut home, arm in arm they meant no wrong, a gentle breeze blew down Fifth Avenue

Ricky: Oh, I'm worried.

Steve: I'm a bit edgy, he's out late.

Ricky: I know, and he's taken a shortcut, which is mental.

Steve: Not in New York City.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He doesn't know the area, he's from Scotland.

Rod Stewart: Out of a darkened side street came a New Jersey gang, with just one aim to roll some innocent passer-by.
There ensued a fearful fight, screams rang out in the night, Georgie's head hit a sidewalk cornerstone.

Ricky: I bet it was them that was screaming.

Steve: Yep.

Rod Stewart: A leather kid, a switchblade knife, he did not intend to take his life, he just pushed his luck a little too far that night.
The sight of blood dispersed the gang, a crowd gathered, the police came, an ambulance screamed to a halt on Fifty-third and Third.

Ricky: I'm suddenly worried, this isn't a true story is it?

Steve: Who knows?

Ricky: If it is, we don't know that, I just wanted to say that, we're not, that'd be terrible.

Steve: Yeah.

Rod Stewart: Georgie's life ended there, but I ask who really cares, George once said to me and I quote: he said "Never wait or hesitate,
get in kid, before it's too late, you may never get another chance, 'Cos youth's a mask but it don't last, live it long and live it fast."
Georgie was a friend of mine.

Karl: See, how come you think this might be a true story?

Ricky: I just got, I just got suddenly worried then.

Karl: No, but how can this be a true story and the bloke jumping out of a window and hearing his phone ringing...

Ricky: No, but Rod Stewart, I just suddenly thought, what if he's written a song about this, and this bloke did actually exist and was killed, and I started panicking?

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: I don't think it is, is it?

Steve: I'm almost certain it's not.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Is that it then?

Steve: Is that it then, have we gotta pack up and go home?

Karl: Hmm.

Steve: Yeah? Well I think we've enjoyed ourselves.

Ricky: I've loved it, I loved every minute of it.

Steve: [email protected] for your suggestions as to what you're willing to swap for the signed bag, see you next week.

Ricky: Bye.