Podcast Series 3

After a hiatus while Ricky and Steve filmed the new series of Extras, the Podcast returns. The series is available now through iTunes and audible.com.

List of Episodes

	Title	Release Date	Length
	Series 3 Episode 1	Tuesday 22 Aug 2006	27:58
	Description
	Series 3 Episode 2	Tuesday 29 Aug 2006	34:11
	Description
	Series 3 Episode 3	Tuesday 5 Sep 2006	30:16
	Description
	Series 3 Episode 4	Tuesday 12 Sep 2006	32:10
	Description
	Series 3 Episode 5	Tuesday 19 Sep 2006	33:50
	Description
	Series 3 Episode 6	Tuesday 26 Sep 2006	36:56
	Description

Episode One

Tuesday 22 Aug 2006

Length: 27:58

Whilst Ricky and Steve have been filming the second series of Extras, Karl has become obsessed with bugs and insects.

Karl describes seeing a bee have a heart attack. The bee fell from the air onto the pavement. He described it as being "stone cold dead" within seconds. Karl believed it was stressed because it was living in London and it was overweight.

Karl thinks moths are depressing because they don't have eyes. He believes it should be a rule that "if you don't have eyes, you shouldn't have wings".

Accidents doing sports during school days. Ricky and Steve recall being terrified of playing cricket and rugby. Karl remembers his mum didn't like him to play cricket with a friend because his friend's dad's eyelids were too big and she didn't like Karl getting into a car with him driving.

Karl thinks he would be more confident if he had someone elses body as it gives him an excuse if the body is out of shape. Ricky then questions Karl if he would masturbate if he had someone elses body.

Karl's Diary - More about insects. Karl plays with a ladybird. Karl argues with Suzanne because she wanted a lie in on Sunday. Karl said, "insects don't have lie-ins, so we shouldn't". He later says "if we copied insects, we wouldn't go far wrong". Karl wonders why the word 'dictionary' is in the dictionary. Two new species of fly have been discovered. A moth gets into the bedroom. A caveman is discovered with hairgel in his hair.

Karl writes his first poem.

Episode Two

Tuesday 29 Aug 2006

Length: 34:11

Karl talks about being rushed to hospital with kidney stones. He discusses how when he was a child, whenever he got a belly ache he put a cold ashtray on his belly because "the coldness got rid of the badness". It specifically had to be an ashtray because ashtrays hold cold. Ricky visited Karl in hospital to find him in his underpants and stockings. Karl explains how the stockings prevented the blood in his legs from clotting.

When Karl was in hospital he thought about "what is the closest thing living, that is nothing?" He talks about how a stick insect is a slight crossover from a stick to an insect and how there is not much difference between the two.

Steve tries to explain to Karl that insects and animals do not have consciousness, personality and communication.

Karl notices that pigeons have got wings but walk a lot. It annoys him that pigeons have the 'power' of flight and don't often use it.

Karl tells a story about a women who left a goldfish in the bath when she went on holiday and it grew to 7 feet in length. He notices how you never see fish die of old age.

Ricky asks what advice Karl would give to a two week old octopus. The advice Karl gives is to stay close to the rocks and let it know that it can can get into small spaces.

Karl's Diary - Brown sauce bottle is too big. A large wasp enters the flat. Karl re-wallpapers the mirrored wall (mentioned in Podcast Series 2, Episode 1). Karl reads about where the phrase 'Pot Luck' originated in his phrase book. The washer needs repairing. Karl watches a story on the news about Siamese twins being separated. They had 2 heads, 4 arms, 2 legs and 1 liver. The doctors said they would have one leg each.

Karl writes another poem.

Episode Three

Tuesday 5 Sep 2006

Length: 30:16

Update on Karls kidney stones. When mentioned by Ricky that the condition was Karls own fault for not drinking enough water, Karl explains how he now seems to be over-compensating by drinking too much. Karl is of the belief that this was a near death experience and he has been given 'a second chance' for him to become a better person.

Karl thinks that if you are near death, its better to just sit at home and watch 'The Price Is Right' as the days drag more. People near death should also learn more from the internet.

Karl tells a story of a man who "looks after elephants" and crashes his light aircraft whilst looking for one elephant. He breaks his legs and "does his back in" and had to wait 48 hours for rescue. During this time "everything is being chucked at him" including a lion, a dangerous snake in his shoe and "some sort of bad ants". He got so hot his lips fell off. This leads Ricky to question if a plane crashed with the three of them on board and Steve offered up his penis to eat, whether Karl would eat it. Karl said he would look for something else, saying "We are surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob? There's loads of fish and everything."

Karl thinks the sea is becoming overcrowded and everything in it is being pushed to the edge. Karl reads that evolution is quicker in the sea and that jellyfish didn't have stings 50 years ago.

Karl writes two poems about jellyfish and one about his kidney problems. Ricky is quite disappointed that they are quite good and worries that Karl may be becoming more intelligent.

Talk about The World of Karl Pilkington, leads to a conversation about books and stories. Karl doesn't see the point in fictional stories as he believes that 'fact' is more interesting. Ricky and Steve question what Karl understands to be a 'story'.

Karl thinks that the octopus is the most unusual creature in the world. He explains that he doesn't like their eyes and the way they float about. Ricky then asks Karl how he could improve a crab. Karl thinks that although they are weird, "they are at that size where they can get away with it", but they could be improved if they could tuck in their arms.

Karl's Diary - Karls reads about animals called Alpacas that have been specially bred but normally live in the mountains. Karl thinks that they will become useless, as when they are put back on the mountains (because the world becomes too overcrowded) they won't be able to survive. A "new sea thing" has been found [and was sold] on eBay. Karl wouldn't want it because he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Episode Four

Tuesday 12 Sep 2006

Length: 32:10

Ricky moans that Karl is complaining too much about his kidney stones. This leads to an argument about Karl wasting his time whilst Steve and Ricky have too much to do. Steve questions what Karl would be doing if it weren't for Rick.

Steve reads out a letter that was sent into The Sunday Times criticising Karl's 3 Minute Wonder series. Karl takes little offence saying "You've got to have your critics" and thinks that in some ways, the letter proves the success of the series as "it got her thinking". Karl then goes on to complain about museums.

Steve reads another article, from The Daily Mail:
Ricky Gervais' cringeworthy dance routine as managerial buffoon David Brent was undoubtedly the highlight of BBC comedy, The Office. Perhaps the credit for the scene should not go to Ricky Gervais however, but his lanky co-writer Stephen Merchant. For I hear that 6 foot 7 inch Merchant has been attracting a great deal of female attention at the [so-and-so] pub in North London, until he took to the dance floor with Brent-esque results. Says my mole, most of the feminine throng looked away in embarassment. Putting it kindly, he was rather ungainly, like a giant albatross hopping on stilts.
Steve takes issue with this as he says remembers he spent the night talking to a friend about how they were too shy to talk to girls. He goes on to say that if he had taken to the dancefloor, he would not have been described as "a giant albatross hopping on stilts" due to the fact that Steve has won two dance competitions. Ricky describes Steves dancing as "an upright lizard being given electro-shock treatment" whilst Karl describes it as "a bit of weird art".

Karl returns to his "aging backward idea" that he first put forward in Series 1, Episode 3. Karl gets annoyed when Rick and Steve dismiss his idea and states that his idea needs time to catch on, like the frisbee.

Karl explains his idea for an invention: a clippable mat that can be attached to mugs. Ricky and Steve question its practicality and the limitations of its use. They then go on to ask if anyone would like to invest in this idea and produce it.

Karl's Diary - Karl discovers on the internet a doctor who injects himself and his wife with "stuff" that makes them age less. Karl thinks that this isn't a good idea as "you need oldness".

Episode Five

Tuesday 19 Sep 2006

Length: 33:50

After the release of Karl's book, The World of Karl Pilkington in the UK, Ricky mentions that a copy will be sent to the British Library. Karl wonders why the British Library takes a copy of every book published. Karl then goes on the complain that "old stuff gets respect" and people only like Shakespeare's works because he wrote then a long time ago.

Karl infers that he is better than Samuel Pepys as hes has done more stuff. He is angry that Pepys had more to write about. Karl talks about how as so many other people are writing about current world events, he has nothing to write about in his diary.

Karl's Diary - A man's skull has "fallen off", Karl hurts his toe by trying to catch a toaster with his foot when he dropped it.

Karl questions why we need toe nails and then suggests that it would be better if instead we had a nail growing out and around our head to act as a 'natural helmet' as "our brain is more important than our toes".

Karl doesn't like carrying bags. Karl likes the look of male nipples as it gives some variety on a mostly blank canvas of flesh.

Ricky suggests to Karl it would be a good idea if to have a 'rib cage' around his testicles. When Rick asks Karl if he could have his testicles anywhere on his body, where he would put them, Karl answers that he would like them hanging from his ears. Karl suggests that it would be more convienient to "check for lumps, and that".

Steve anecdotally tells about a night out with his friends to a night club. When refused entry to the club by the bouncer because they didn't have girls with them, Steve tries to use his 'celebrity status' to get in through the V.I.P entrance. After a series of humiliating incidents, Steve and his friends go to a singles party and use chat-up tips from the book 'The Game' to attempt to chat up women.

More from Karl's Diary - Karl stays up late to watch a programme about a monkey who acts like a toll collector on a bridge. Karl remembers seeing a slug eating "bird poo" and thinks it leads a depressing life, only coming out of it's "den" when it is raining. Karl goes to buy some envelopes and counts backwards from twenty, out loud, to encourage the man behind the counter to stop talking on the 'phone and serve him. Karl sees a human head attached to a seagull's body in a jar. He believes this is part of the "weird stuff that goes on in hospitals."

Ricky makes a plea for the listeners to buy Karl's book.

Episode Six

Tuesday 26 Sep 2006

Length: 36:56

Steve begins the show by mentioning a new celebrity fan of Karl’s, Warwick Davis, a "short actor" who guest starred in series 2, episode 3 of Extras. Karl talks about how seeing Warick for the first time, he might be a little apprehensive but after a while he would get used to him.

Steve gives Karl a fact that Warwick told him: "If you wear headphones for one hour, it will multiply the number of bacteria in your ears by over 700 times". Karl wonders why he is worrying about that specific fact.

When questioned on his thoughts about short people in entertainment, Karl remembers seeing a short person struggling to get on a chair when he was on jury duty. Karl would prefer to be too short than too tall, as he thinks that the world will be a more interesting place.

Karl receives a new book about freaks including the three-breasted woman, the one-faced man (a man with one face and two bodies) and something that was so weird, it didn't have a nickname. Karl described it as having "testicles for eyes". Karl is surprised that there aren’t more mutations in humankind.

Steve asks Karl some questions that were sent into the show:

• Are all men born equal? - Ricky tries to explain equal opportunities to Karl. Karl thinks, "If they (disabled people) want to go for any job, go for it. But don't moan if you don't get it."
• Do you believe in the notion that history is written by the victors? Karl thinks that the losers should also bring out a book and people can choose which to read.
• Do you believe that the future is fixed and unfolds as a matter of destiny? - Karl tries to describe fatalism. Ricky then tries to explain determinism to Karl. He fails.

Karl talks about having a blood test at hospital. The doctor said that his kidney stones were the result of having too much calcium. Karl then thinks that the reason he doesn't like cornflakes is because his body is telling him that he doesn’t need milk as that contains calcium. Karl also found it weird that when Suzanne asked Karl what he needed, Karl replied, "I need some leeks". Karl thinks that his operation had taken out whatever leeks give him, so his body told him to replace it.

Karl's Diary - Karl complains that he has to get up at 5:50 for his operation. Karl has shepherds pie for his "last meal". Karl gets up at 5:55. He said he had to get up at 5:50 because it tricked his head into thinking he had a 5 minute lie-in. Karl went into hospital and waited to be called in. He was called in and had his details taken down. After 5 minutes he was knocked out and re-woke as a pipe was being ripped from his throat. The doctor said how he couldn't find the kidney stone so Karl must have passed it. Karl had trouble sleeping in the hospital recovery room. Karl complains about an old man who was in the bed next to him who kept passing wind. Karl comes home but pain returns. Karl couldn't no longer write the diary for the rest of the day.

It turns out that Karl took a taxi to hospital. A “gay fella” who was a nurse treated Karl. It turns out that Karl had blood clots in his kidney from the operation.

When Karl wakes up, he looked at the T.V to see a message saying: "Karl received bad news about [his] father". Karl got worried thinking that the message was sent to Karl from the hospital about his own father. It turns out it was a review for Neighbours.

Karl writes a poem about his trauma called 'My Ward'.

Ricky and Steve end the series saying, "I think we've made our point".

Added to the end of the show is a final Monkey News. Karl talks about the origins of grapefruit juice.

See Also

Karl's Poems
Karl's Diary
Podcast Series 1
Podcast Series 2

External Links

• Audible.com