23 November 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 23 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
MTV Karl
Song: Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song
Ricky: Red Hot Chili Peppers on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant...
Steve: Hello there.
Ricky: Karl Pilkington...
Karl: Alright.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Don't be nervous, uh we, we might see a difference in Karl, he's a little shy, um, there's someone here from the BBC filming this part of that celebrity boxing thing, "The Fight", I think it's called and they're... they want to get a little clip of this so we're gonna let 'em film for a minute and then they're gonna go away. Is that alright Karl?
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: He doesn't want, he doesn't want to be on camera, do ya? do ya?
Karl: I think it ruins radio, dunnit?
Steve Laughs
Karl: D'ya know what I mean?
Ricky: Well not for the people listening it doesn't.
Karl: Yeah, but it does because people are like "Ooooh, that - he sounds like a bit of a looker."
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: What, you?
Karl: Yeah, and then they'll see it on the telly and they'll go, "God, yeah, you know, his head IS round."
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: It IS round though, innit?
Karl: So...
Ricky: Guess what? I got a call yesterday, um - you'll love this Steve
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: From MTV and uh, they were wonderin' if um, they could screen test Karl.
Steve: That's outrageous.
Ricky: I'm lovin' it and I was goin', "Yeah and I come"... I said, "Yeah, yeah it is fine. I'll come down with him" and I was sayin', "What about this, that and that" and they were lovin' it, I called him up and he went, "Oh nooo" I went "Why not?" he went "Well, I'm looking at my reflection now in the mirror" he said "I shouldn't be on the telly".
Steve: What would you wear for your screen test, Karl? What kind of look would you try to cultivate, 'cause you've got to bear in mind that the audience out there, they don't know what you look like, so would you be snappy dresser like say Jonathan Ross or would you go for your kind of street-cas look...
Karl: Can't, can't, can't wear a suit. Don't -
Steve: You can't wear a suit?
Karl: Don't hold it well.
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: So I'm thinking, uhh... I don't know, I'll probably wear me wooly hat 'cuz that takes some years off me.
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Ricky: It does, he looks about 10 with a wooly hat on.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Ok.
Karl: And uhm, -
Steve: Is it quite a cool wooly hat or has it got a bobble?
Karl: It's charcoal. I'd say it's the 'in', 'in' color.
Steve: I-In, yeah, yeah, OK.
Karl: Umm, and I'd probably wear me, uh, me anorak.
Ricky: Oooooohhh, he's goin' for the... he's goin' for glam!
Steve: He's goin' for the wooly hat and anorak look!
Ricky: He's going for quite a glam look! Oooh!
Karl: No one else has done it.
Ricky: Dressed for a jumble sale!
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Wow.... yeah!
Karl: But I'm not, I'm not that happy about it, to be honest.
Steve: Are you gonna do it? You're not gonna do it?
Karl: Well... I'm sort of stuck in the middle, cuz, throughout my life so far...
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Karl: I've always just - I've never planned for anything, right, it's just always happened.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Karl: The time - ya know what I mean? - bein' in plays at school - never planned it, but when I did it, I went down a storm.
Steve: It was a triumph, yeah we all remember that.
Karl: So...
Ricky: As I remember you did "Little Donkey"?
Karl: Did "Little Donkey", yeah.
Ricky: And then later someone was filming at the back - was it your dad's mate?
Karl: Me dad's mate.
Ricky: Yeah and on the camcorder - he listened to it back - watched him playing it - his dad says... just off-camera... what's he say?
Karl: I don't wanna say it cuz I'm in charge of the show, and I th- it'd be irresponsible.
Ricky: "He looks like a right twat."
Steve Laughs
Karl: So... I, I -
Ricky: And so he gets home, list- watchin' that and then hears his dad just off-camera go, "He looks like a right twat."
Steve Laughs
Karl: Yeah, alright, yeh.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: What are ya worried about? You're dad sayin' that or the word -
Steve: Can I just interject because I'm really worried about this idea of Karl being on MTV because the problem is that, you know, let's be honest Rick, I mean we're, we're gettin' by the skin of our teeth, aren't we really?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It's only Karl that's keeping this afloat.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And if he gets on MTV and the world sort of gets a sense of him and they understand him and, and he, he won't be ours anymore, we won't be able to control him, he'll be out there, he'll be in the -
Karl: No, no, no, no -
Ricky: Well, that, that's the thing, no, that's the thing, that's the terrible thing though, isn't it? It's like Karl is my pet but I realize I've got to release him into the wild sorta-
Steve: Into the wild -
Ricky: And, you know, because I love him I know he's gotta go free -
Steve Laughs
Ricky: But I wanna, I want -
Steve: Yeah, it's like "Kez".
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Maybe someone will beat him to death and we won't have to worry.
Ricky Laughs Harder
Karl: I'll have you on though, I'll have you on as a guest.
Steve Laughs
Steve: What -
Karl: Which gets me on to something we've got coming up today -
Ricky: Oh yeah, he's got a new idea.
Karl: Yeah -
Steve: Right.
Karl: Ehm, do you know like, I've talked about ghosts and we had that good discussion the other week walking to -
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Piccadilly Circus Station, yeah?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And I was telling you about ghosts and you were saying, "Karl, don't be an idiot" and all that. Uhh, spoke to a woman in the week, done a little interview with her -
Steve: You've done a little interview? Brilliant.
Karl: Done a little interview. Two minutes or so with, uhh...
Steve: OK.
Karl: with a woman who's, who's got ghosts in her house.
Ricky Stifles Laughter
Karl: So, uhhh...
Steve: I look forward to hearing that later, that sounds brilliant.
Karl: Got that coming up later!
Ricky: Well I'm gonna play a classic tune now. I've, I've just gone straight for it, I've gone for the jugular, this is "Ziggy Stardust" by David Bowie.
Song: David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust