30 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 30 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Big Poster of a Predatory Gay

Song: Richard Ashcroft - “Science of Silence”

Ricky: Oh yeah, the smooth indie sound of Richard Ashcroft "Science of Silence" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, joining me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: It was an excellent link that, Rick. Did you say nime at one point? One oh four point nime?

Ricky: Did I?

Steve: Other than that it was textbook.

Ricky: Again, I- I- yeah, desperate attempt at being articulate.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But let myself down.

Steve: With your lack of-

Ricky: See here's the good thing about the boxing thing, because er- there's no chance of me... you know, er slurring me words.

Steve: Making a fool of yourself?

Ricky: No, no. I already slurred my words.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So no- any damage will be totally fine. Oh dear.

Steve: The doctor's rushing in, "I think there might be some kind of concussion."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Jane just going, "No, that's just the way he talks."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But erm, but er- cause I'm thinking maybe did you start the show with- with that particular kind of er manner, just cause obviously a lot of new listeners, I imagine, thanks to the massive poster campaign and you obviously want to impress them with your charm.

Ricky: See now that there- there's a few examples today of irony coming back and bitin' ya.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that seemed like a funny idea at the time, me posing like 'at, but erm- Jonathan Ross phoned me up when they first went up and he said, "I've just seen a big poster of a predatory gay."

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah, you do look a little bit er-

Ricky: Yeah, "Hellooo, what's your name?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Would you like to sit down here?"

Ricky Laughs maniacally

Ricky: And then you're in the background. And also er-er- the- the- I think the funny thing about having you as a partner, I mean the only good thing is that y-y-you know, you look- you look weird and tall, like too freakishly tall and lanky.

Steve: Oi, heyheyheyhey.

Ricky: But in that one, no because you're background and you're smiling you don't look as weird as you do in real life, or as- as freakishly tall. So it sort of ruins it a little bit for me. Look at, look at that-

Steve: Is that a compliment?

A Little Manc...

Ricky: L-l-loo- look.

Steve: Pilkington, what you doing?

Ricky: He's not listening he's just opening the f- er packet, what are they? McVities? See- er wha- see we should mention them we could get some free ones. If anyone at McVities are listening. Cause we're not gettin' the perks of this.

Steve: Not at all. I'm- I- I'll tell ya I'm not getting anything. I really got in this game for er the ladies, for the money, for the voiceover work-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Certainly not seeing hide nor hare of that.

Ricky: But erm, you're not getting the voiceover work cause Jethro, the Jethro is gettin' all of his parts that you might get.

Steve: Yeah, right. Sure sure, yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Erm okay Rick, yeah. You are the voice of what, the drink driving campaign?

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: You sound, you sound like a man who was run over in a drink driving accident.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I mean it's like, you don't drive-

Ricky: Yeah but I didn't make any money from that did I?

Steve: You drink heavily-

Ricky: Or did I? I can't remember. Yeah

Steve: It's like I'mean talk about the kettle calling the pot black

Ricky: I don't drive, yeah. But that's good it's don't drink and drive. No it said don't drink and drive so I've chosen just to drink.

Steve: But at least I can formulate sentences using the English language and I'm not gettin' the voiceover work what- what's- wh- what-

Ricky: Yeah the English language of the 14th century.

Steve: What is that! Better a English language- an English language.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Not the, whatever kind of middle England language you speak. The language of the hobbits.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: See you're eating biscuits!

Steve: He's chowing on a biscuit!

Ricky: I can't believe it! Are you bored with us already? D'ya know what? MTV called me last week, they called me again yesterday and said when can they come down to do a- oh they're coming down next Saturday, by the way, to do a little screen test for ya. They're gonna sort of just film you with a little camcorder. You said this, they're gonna film ya… Are you alright? D'ya want- I mean- are you hungry? Do you wanna go out and have a meal? I can't believe you're eating while I'm on air.

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Do you know who I am?

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Explain who I am.

Steve: Er that's Ricky Gervais, right? He's made his name on TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, he's done any number of corporate gigs which- and they pay silly money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I mean, this guy's earning, you know and really er- earning beyond his talent.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Alright? So-

Ricky: So I think I deserve a little bit more than a little Manc eating a biscuit while I'm talking.

Steve: Rick- Rick Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Have you won a BAFTA?

Ricky: Yeah, 2.

Steve: Alright so-

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just a little bit of respect?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Karl, what have you won? What have you won?

Karl: Well the thing- I- I got a errr I got a- got a bronze certificate for doing a full week at school.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: It was only a bronze.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What's that then? 3 of 5 days?

Steve Laughs

Karl: And er- and I got me a little crusader's badge if you- if you remember.

Steve: What's the little crusader's badge?

Ricky: The what?

Karl: Crusader's badge for the religious club, so-

Ricky: Oh is that the fella where you played ping pong ball-

Steve: Where you had to go to-

Ricky: And then they wanted to talk to you about God?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You got a crusader's badge, did you?

Karl: Yeah, that's why I went, that's why I joined, that's why I joined.

Steve: For the badge.

Karl: I liked- i liked the little badge. Did 4 weeks then packed it in. But er- we were talking about MTV, right? And I was feelin' a bit nervous wan't I? About... about like, you know the way I look.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Right

Karl: And wha' have ya. And then I watched a bit of Celebrity Big Brother and all the fuss that Mark Owen's gettin' and he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: He's- he's very- I- I- I like wanted to be Mark Owen's mate. If anybody knows Mark Owen or if Mark Owen's listenin' I wanna be his mate.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I think he's brilliant.

Karl: I think he's a nice lad but what I'm saying is, right, all the girls go mad over him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: Well, no he's got a- he is in a certain way isn't he? That sort of er- non threatening sort of-

Karl: Yeah but he's not- he's not stunnin' is he? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well, no but no he-

Steve: Well what's your definition of stunning?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well-

Ricky: Who do you like?

Karl: Someone who you look at and you go, "God they- they're good looking."

Steve: Which bloke do you fancy?

Ricky: Well- well who- wh- what bloke do you think's attractive then?

Karl: So if I was into men...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: In fact, you can still say a blokes a good looker without like fancying him.

Ricky: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh, of course you can.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Ricky: Who- who do you think is attractive?

Karl: Probably errrr...

Pause

Karl: Oh... I mean it depends what you're looking for.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Just tell us.

Ricky, Steve and Karl talk simultaneously

Ricky: Who would you say, is like, stunning in your definition?

Karl: A good looking lad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Good looking lad. Er, okay there's... errr... ooo...

Karl Sighs

Steve: D'ya find ya know, Robbie Williams, do you find him attractive?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Boy next door look.

Ricky: No, no. Who d'ya- Karl, hurry up cause it's, you know, we've only got 2 hours.

Karl: Probably... err...

Pause

Karl: D'you know, I-- I can't think of one offhand, Mark Owen is- is pretty good looking then, really. Err...

Steve: What there's noth- just name one bloke that you think's an attractive guy. There must be one bloke that you've either met or that you've, you know, seen in a pub. Or-

Ricky: Who do you think…?

Karl: Tell you what.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Tell ya what, erm, works here, erm, young Alex Zane.

Ricky and Steve tease Karl.

Steve: Oooooo! Helloooooo! Ooooooo…

Ricky: Ooooo,! Ooooo little Alex! Ooo I love you Alex! Oooooo!...

Song: Feeder - “Just the Way I'm Feeling”