07 December 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
They Won't Even Press Record
Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence
Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.
Steve: Yes. Concur.
Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.
Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.
Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!
Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.
Steve: I am indeed.
Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!
Steve: Really?
Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off" he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.
Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--
Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.
Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?
Ricky: To get on MTV?!
Karl: No but--
Ricky: It's money for old rope.
Steve: Presenting.
Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.
Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.
Karl: Yeah and ummm--
Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.
Karl: Why is it?
Ricky: Well...
Karl: See?
Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Yeah, well--
Ricky: Do you see the difference?
Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.
Pause
Ricky: Same thing--
Steve: She's doing very well!
Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...
Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?
Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.
Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.
Steve: Extraordinary.
Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--
Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.
Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.
Ricky: Do you know what I mean?
Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...
Ricky Begins To Laugh
Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.
Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly
Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.
Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".
Song: Pixies - Debaser
A Good Way of Promoting This Show
Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.
Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.
Ricky: Uh, yeah.
Steve: It's really embarrassing.
Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.
Karl: Right.
Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?
Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--
Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.
Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...
Ricky Giggles
Karl: I put the coffee on.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!
Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--
Ricky: Is it a--
Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.
Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.
Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!
Ricky: Well I was--
Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--
Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--
Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!
Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.
Steve: Oh hello.
Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...
Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--
Ricky: Yep.
Steve: Material that he did on this show!
Ricky: Yep.
Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.
Steve: That is j--
Karl: Well I had a job to do!
Steve: Who do you think you are?!
Karl: Look--
Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!
Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
Steve: What?!
Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.
Ricky: They didn't say talk!
Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!
Steve: Yes you can!
Ricky Chuckles
Karl: No you can't.
Steve: Who is she?!
Ricky Laughs
Karl: Ah, well...
Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...
Karl: Yeah...
Ricky: Monkey.
Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.
Ricky: It's not your job.
Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--
Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...
Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...
Karl: Well...
Ricky: Get another little--
Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.
Ricky Exhales
Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And you rumbled it.
Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."
Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.
Steve: Oooooh convenient!
Ricky: Did you mention this show?!
Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?
Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".
Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?
Karl: Well, about five times in the week.
Ricky Starts To Laugh
Karl: In the full week - five times.
Steve: Deary me.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--
Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.
Karl: Well..
Karl Sighs
Ricky: Right, what have you got?
Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.
Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.
Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: It's outrageous.
Karl: Well, comin' up, right--
Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.
Steve: Indeed!
Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Come in on the show.
Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?
Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?
Karl: Norman.
Steve: Norman.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Karl: Right.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: "Ernie"!
Steve: Yeah. I don't know.
Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And he--
Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook
Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!
Karl: Anyway...
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.
Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--
Steve: Okay.
Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--
Ricky Coughs
Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".
Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.
Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.
Ricky: Ball and Cook.
Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.
Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.
Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--
Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".
Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: That's nice.
Karl: Good one.
Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.
Karl: Uhhm...
Ricky: Thanks Karl!
Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!
Ricky Explodes With Laughter
Ricky Pounds The Desk
Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".
Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.
Ricky: Yeah. What's that?
Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--
Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.
Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit
Win The Best of the Weather
Ricky: Wu-Tang Clan, "Gravel Pit" on XFM 104.9--
Steve: We're playing some great music today, Rick--
Ricky: Yeah but--
Steve: I wonder if we should maybe... uh, you know, it's getting towards Christmas--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Think about others. Should we dedicate this show to all the people in the world who maybe are less priviledged and less, uhh, fortunate than us.
Ricky: No.
Steve: No? Okay.
Ricky: Um, d- do the prizes for the, uhh--
Steve: Prizes? Okay. (Walking Away From Microphone) So screw those who are less fortunate is what TV's Ricky Gervais thinks.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Uhmm, Rick, I know you're a big fan, uhh, of the likes of Brian Adams, (Laughs) Robert Palmer, uh, Alien Ant Farm and, uh, obviously, ehmm, ZZ Top.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And so you'll be enjoying "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World".
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Volume 2.
Ricky: Yeah, sure.
Steve: Fantastic.
Ricky: Volume 1 (Coughs) wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.
Steve: No. Okay--
Ricky Coughs
Steve: Again, we seem to be able to give one of these away every week. Are you just not sending these out? I mean, these are the same prizes we started this game with, I think, a couple of weeks back. Are you just not sending the prizes out?
Karl: Yeah, but I want to give, like, more people a chance cuz if- if one week they listen in and think, "God, I wouldn't mind winnin' that--"
Steve: Sure.
Karl: If you- if you've got more copies of it, they'll go, "Well, I'll listen next week."
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah?
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: So again this is, uh, one of those, uhm, "The Best Songs You've Heard On An Advert Ever" albums.
Ricky: Mainly- mainly mobile phones?
Steve: Mainly mobile phone adverts, yeah. Although there is the, uh, Smashmouth one which is used in the Ford Fiesta TV advert.
Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Walking On The Sun" or something?
Steve: I forget what it is.
Ricky: Oh.
Steve: Uhm, the Smashing Pumpkins album that we've given away in the past again.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Obviously got a bulk order of those that can't shift them. Uhhmm, "Wild Weather", I don't know who's interested in this. This is, uh--
Ricky: Is that a double box set VHS of different weather?!
Steve: (Laughing) It appears to be, yeah.
Ricky: Ah, that's amazing!
Steve: There's two cassette tapes there, it's presented by Donal MacIntyre.
Ricky: THAT is amazing! How long is- that's a--
Steve: "It's a thrilling trip with the most exciting forces of our wild and turbulent world. Clouds, rainstorms--"
Ricky: So- so I'm right in saying it's- it's a double VHS video set of different weather?
Karl: There's stuff like tornadoes an' that!
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Yep, no, it's got- I mean it includes the fastest winds--
Ricky: Ohhh, you're joking!
Steve: The hottest desert, ehm and the biggest rain machine on the planet. That's on there, I think you have to--
Ricky: Ohhh, God. I- I wonder if they're- I hope they're bringing out another box set... "Soil"
Steve: Yeah, absolutely.
Ricky: Just go through different... "Mud".
Steve Laughs
Steve: And, uhh, and this maybe of interest - I read good reviews of the, uhh- the DVD of this - it's, uhh, a two-disc set: "The Wicker Man"--
Ricky: Oh, right, great film, yeah.
Steve: The classic seventies film. It's got a bunch of extras on there.
Ricky: That is actually quite a good film.
Steve: So, that- that's actually worth having. I'd probably throw the rest away or pawn that over on someone at Christmas.
Ricky: But "The Wicker Man" get that on DVD and it's, yeah, quite- it's very interesting.
Steve: Yeah. But, you'll enjoy that. So, uhh--
Ricky: So "Rockbusters" is it?
Karl: Yeah, all- all that's for "Rockbusters".
Ricky: Brilliant. Well, let's- let-l- I say get the ball rolling now.
Karl: What, of "Rockbusters"?
Ricky: Yeah get the ball rollin'.
Steve: I don't know, I mean, tease them, Rick, don't, you know- don't s- don't, sort of, spunk all the good stuff early on, I mean--
Ricky: Well...
Steve: That's dynamite.
Ricky: You- you can say, "Spunk". I can't.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Well- well we've got, ummm- actually it's quite good, movin' it about because we might have some new listeners here.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I wouldn't of thought so.
Ricky Laughs
Ricky: Not after last week!
Karl: Ehhm, right, okay, so if you haven't heard it before I give you some initials- it work- you know it's like initials of an artist or a band--
Ricky: It's "Blockbusters"!
Karl: And- and a cryptic clue to who the band is. It's two easy ones, one difficult one.
Ricky and Steve Chuckle
Karl: First one is: uhmm, "That'll never get off the ground."
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Yeah?
Steve: "That'll never get off the ground". The initials?
Karl: "That'll never get off the ground", is the clue. And--
Ricky: Not L.Z.
Karl: The initials are L.Z.
Ricky: You are joking.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Two easy ones!
Ricky: Right. Yeah.
Karl: Yeah? Right and then you've got, uhhm, "That woman's got her husband's gloves and a pair of her own".
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: All right?
Steve: Say it again.
Karl: "That woman has got a pair of her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own". That's H.H. All right? That's a bit of a difficult one. And then the, uhh- the last one: "You'll get a lo", uhhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!" Right?
Steve: You'll get what?
Karl: "... a right load of bacon off them".
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: Ehmm, that's L.
Steve: L.
Ricky Snorts
Karl: So, uhh, once again--
Steve: "You'll get a right load of bacon off of them".
Karl: "You'll get- you'll get a right load of bacon off them".
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: So, first one: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z., uhh, "That woman has got her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own", that's H.H.
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: And, uhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!", that's L. So...
Steve: And it's an email only competition.
Karl: Email only, uhh, [email protected] and we pick a winner before the end... So...
Steve: And you can win those great prizes--
Ricky: And you can win... "The Wicker Man"--
Steve: "The Weather"--
Ricky: "The Best of the Weather- Weather"--
Steve: (Laughing) "The Best of the Weather"!
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Now that would be amazing.
Steve: "The Best of the Weather".
Ricky: As a compilation, Channel 4.
Steve: Yeah. Exactly. "Winds: Light to Variable".
Ricky: (Laughing) "I Love 1976 Weather".
Steve: Remember this one from August, 1979?
Ricky: Warm innit?
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh, this is warm, innit?!
Steve Laughs
Ricky: Oh, Karl!
Steve: "The Best of the Weather".
Ricky: I'll tell you what: you remember how we always play, like, great music usually?
Steve: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Ricky: I mean--
Steve: Ah, you're not- you're not gonna- have you--
Ricky: I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is David Bowie - "Driving Saturday".
Steve: Awwww, he's done it again.
Ricky Giggles
Song: David Bowie - Driving Saturday