18 January 2003/Transcript
This is a transcript of the 18 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
I've Done Very Little Preparation
Song: The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Ricky: The Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"--
Steve: Mm hmm.
Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Steve: Good morning.
Ricky: Uhh, I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna own up straight away - I've done very little work towards this show this week. May be a little bit iffy.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Steve: You surprise me.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. So, I apologize if it sounds a bit, sort of--
Steve: Thanks for being honest though, Rick.
Ricky: Well, no, I don't- you know, I don't want people to go, "Hold on, that was a bit shoddy, this week. I hope it's not going to be like that every week."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So, it is because I've done very little preperation.
Steve: (Laughing) Okay.
Ricky: Sooo...
Steve: Right. Whereas normally...
Ricky: You'll probably have to help me out--
Steve: All right.
Ricky: You'll have to do some of the- some of the work. Karl, you might have to help us out a little bit as well--
Steve: I don't know. I mean--
Ricky: Because I know Steve's done nothing towards it either. So, the onus is on you a little bit, here. I love the fact that it's still listed as either "Ricky Gervais" or "Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant"--
Steve: Mm!
Ricky: In the, you know--
Steve: Essentially, we don't need to be here, really.
Ricky: No. It p- I know now people listen for Karl.
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Everyone I've spoken to for- you know, people on buses to, uh comedians- like Ross Noble mentioned you the other day and, uh, you know it- they go, uhh--
Steve: People on buses?
Ricky: I've never been on a bus for years.
Steve: You've never been on a bus--
Ricky: No.
Steve: For, like, 12 years or something?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: (Laughing) "People on buses".
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I don't know why I find that so funny. I just know--
Ricky: Well, they- no--
Steve: The idea of you being on a bus--
Ricky: Well I'm not on a bus!
Steve: The idea of you having to be on a bus--
Ricky: They're shouting out from the window!
Steve: Right.
Ricky: They're going, "I love Karl."
Steve: (Laughing) Right. Yeah.
Ricky: I'm j- I'm walking along.
Steve: How much is it on the bus?
Ricky: Twenty pence.
Steve: (Laughing) Now, come on seriously, how much is it?
Ricky: Uhh, uhhmm... "One- one adult for terminus, please!"
Steve Laughs
Steve: I love the fact- you know they do that thing where, like, if they're interviewing, kind of--
Ricky: What is it? 50, 60p?
Steve: Paul Newman or someone famous, they always--
Ricky: No, it's a quid, isn't it? It's a quid.
Steve: They always say, "How much is a b- pint of milk?" And that's supposed to prove if you're, sort of, still in touch with your roots--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Or whether you're too big a celebrity.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: You've got no idea how much it costs on the bus, have you?
Ricky: Quid.
Steve: It's not a quid.
Ricky: 1.20.
Steve: No, it's not 1.20.
Ricky: Pint of milk - about 50p.
Steve Laughs
Ricky: 30p.
Steve: (Laughing) Aw, brilliant.
Ricky: Uhhh...
Steve: W- he- I mean- cuz it's fascinating- you gave this stuff up- I mean, you gave this stuff up before you became a celebrity.
Ricky: What?
Steve: Didn't you? You were- you were always...
Ricky: Lazy.
Steve: Because people always say to me, like, "Oh, um"- you know - "Ricky seems a bit obnoxious", you know--
Ricky: Who says that?!
Steve: No, they say- no--
Ricky: No, no, who comes up to you and just says that?!
Steve: A guy on the tube did it.
Ricky Laughs
Steve: I swear to God. He came up, he said, uh- he said, "I was watching an interview with Ricky", he said- he said, "he's not a nice piece of work!", I went, "Well, I mean...", he said, "Noo, I've got friends like that", you know, just- and he's like, "They're always talking, they're a bit irritating, you know, and you, sort of, let them off because they're your mates", but I was going, "Well, hang on a minute", he went--
Ricky: Well, two things...
Steve: Fair enough.
Ricky: You know, it is, sort of, my job, talking--
Steve: Mm hm.
Ricky: And being interviewed, essentially you do have to talk.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.
Ricky: So if that's--
Steve: About yourself.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) If that's his only criticism--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Then I'm not too bad.
Steve: No, he didn't think you were funny either. So...
Ricky Cackles With Laughter
Steve: He had a- in fact he had a whole list.
Ricky: Was i--
Steve: Well I say "a list" - a petition.
Ricky: It wasn't Dickey Anderson, was it?
Steve Laughs
Steve: It wasn't Richard Anderson.
Ricky: I hope he's listening.
Steve: He's our biggest fan.
Ricky: I'll tell you what, Mock Turtles need a remix by Fatboy Slim, don't they?
Steve: Mock Turtles?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It's a great tune but I'd like to hear it remixed!
Ricky: Yeh.
Song: Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It remixed by Fat Boy Slim