15 March 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 15 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
When the Winds Were Bad in the '70s
Song: Coldplay - Clocks
Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) "Clocks" from The Coldplay--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and back Karl Pilkington.
Steve: Ehhh!
Ricky: He's rarin' to go. That's nice when you have a bit of time off, innit?
Steve: Yeah, how long have you had off now then, Karl?
Ricky: About three weeks.
Steve: About three weeks, is it?
Ricky: About three weeks, yeah. Uhm, we can't do that because we're sort of self-employed and we'd be lettin' people down but it's different when you're- you know, you get payed anyway whether you turn up or not but good to have you back. Good to have you--
Karl: I'm not a- I'm never off ill.
Ricky: No. Good--
Karl: This is the first time--
Steve: No, I just--
Karl: That I've been off ill at XFM.
Ricky: Well, no, just- just shoot off for two weeks and then you're off--
Steve: No, I just wish I was the kind of person who could let down an audience--
Ricky: I know. Really--
Steve: Of regular listeners.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah, but like I say--
Ricky: Well, no, we spoke to you, you weren't that bad- a cold- you don't go in for a cold. Uh, we were discussing this last night in the pub and, uh, you know, you don't go in for a cold. Uhm, okay then, moving on, what have we got, then? We've got some great songs, I brought--
Karl: It wasn't a cold though.
Ricky: In The Smiths, I brought in Buzzcocks, I brought in Neil Young, I know Steve's got some hip hop.
Steve: Some great hip hop, hooray!
Ricky: Some great Elvis Costello. It's gonna be great. Karl come on, (Taps Desk) concentrate. You've been away three weeks.
Karl: It just annoys me- no, stop sayin' that--
Ricky: W--
Karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me now.
Ricky: Why?... W- what are you gonna do? Go home ill? (Mocking Voice) "Ohh. Ooh, he's annoyed me." "Oh, has he?" "Yeah--"
Steve: (Mocking Voice) "I got a bit of a headache!"
Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "I put on wet jeans, I'm a little bit annoyed."
Karl Mumbles
Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "Can I have some time off but still get payed?" "Yes, of course you can, Karl."
Karl: Steve, right, he called me up, winding me up about this--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And, right, I'm- I'm nearly- I'm thirty, right- I'm thirty now--
Ricky Giggles Quietly
Karl: I can only remember being off two times.
Ricky: Oh, his memory's goin' as well. You'll have some time off.
Steve Chuckles
Karl: And both of them were when I- when I was at school. One- one--
Ricky: "Scyull?" What's "scyull"?
Karl: One when it was windy...
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why did you have to have off cuz it was windy?
Steve: But, to be honest, Karl, that lasted for seven years--
Ricky: No- no wait- (Laughing) yeah, yeah.
Steve: Your time off at school.
Ricky: Wait, wait, wait, why did you have time off cuz it was windy?
Steve: Were you windy or was it windy outside?
Karl: No, it was a really- it was like when--
Ricky: Your auntie wasn't out the window, was she?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: When- when the winds were bad in the seventies and me mam said, "Oooh--"
Ricky: What'd you- whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoahhh. I remember space hoppers and flares--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Ricky: I don't remember the winds being bad in the seventies.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Well me- me mam just said, uhh, "You might get blown into the road so don't go in."
Ricky Bursts Into Laughter
Ricky: She had so much faith in you, didn't she... as a human being?
Steve: Is that why she got fired from the pie shop?
Ricky Laughs
Steve: "I'm not coming in today, I might get blown into the road."
Ricky: God, they- ohh God.
Karl: The funny thing was, right, Steve, they had this- this thing goin' at school - cuz a lot of kids used to wag it back then, right--
Steve: Used to what?
Karl: Wag it - sort of, not go in.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Right.
Karl: And, ehm, they, sort of, tried to make it interesting for you by giving you a--
Steve: An education?
Karl: A certificate.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Certificate if you did a full week.
Ricky: A reward for the rest of your life--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Ricky: With achievement. That sort of- that sort of carrot.
Steve: Mm.
Karl: And also, like, let you got home at three o'clock on a Friday--
Ricky: Right.
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: If you'd done a- like, a full week and that, right.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So it was a- it was lovely weather all week, then it just, sort of, changed on a Friday--
Ricky Almost Laughs
Karl: And I got off and it was all windy and me mam said--
Ricky: It's always windy on Fridays and Sundays, innit?
Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: Uhh, "Don't- don't, you know- if you don't want, don't go in cuz you might get blown into the road and that."
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: So I said, "All right then, I'll stay off." And, uhhhm--
Ricky: Sorry, why didn't she... told you held on- hold on to a fence or--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Ricky: Walk ya there. What's this "don't go out, you might get blown--"
Steve: "Immediately give up."
Ricky: I love this "getting blown into the road". Is that based on your cats that kept gettin' blown into the road?
Karl: Well... So, I got to- got to school on Monday, right, and the teacher said, "Right--"
Ricky: Took you a long time.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: "Today, uh, to punish you - you were the only one who wrecked the whole week, right- everyone else came in, you didn't, so everyone else is going home at three o'clock today... but you're not."
Steve: Brilliant. Serves you right and, uh- and--
Karl: I wasn't bothered though, it was great cuz I said, "Well, you'll have to stay with me, won't ya?"
Steve: Brilliant.
Karl: And it's great. So, all I did for half an hour was doodle and stuff. It was great- little afternoon.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And that- that was ages ago. That was, like, when I was about... eight. And that's one of the times I was off ill.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So.. eight--
Steve: But that wasn't even ill, that was wind.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Well, yeah. So...
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit different when you're--
Steve: To be honest with you--
Ricky: In the adult world though, Karl. You can't just not turn up because you've got a bit of a cold or you're a bit fed up... I mean, we had an appointment four o'clock Thursday, wasn't it, and he had to call up, he said, "Aw, cancel it", I went on, "meeting went a little bit late."
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: (Tsk Sound) (Banging the Desk on each Word) Time management. Get things done. If it was important, you'd get it done. Play a record, Karl.
Steve: Pull your finger out please.
Song: Elvis Costello - Alison
It Sounds Like the Most Complicated Game Ever
Ricky: Elvis Costello, "Alison". What a great track that is.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Beautiful. Well, Karl, we better tell 'em all the new great features we've come up with... in the time... you were off.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: Right, well, we'll, uhh- we've got the film thing still goin'.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Ehhhm...
Ricky: That's where you take a lead role or a m- or a- a major role in a- in a Hollywood blockbuster which we then give away on VHS - worth 6.99.
Steve Giggles
Karl: And, uhh, something new we're trying out cuz "Rockbusters"--
Steve: Is dead thankfully, yes.
Karl: Is, uhh- is gone for a bit.
Steve: It's over.
Karl: Ehhm, "Crosswords".
Steve: "Crosswords".
Ricky: Ooooh, this sounds intrigueing, where'd you get the idea from?
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: What's- what's the basic, uh, format of this?
Karl: Right, what I- what I've done is: I've, uhh--
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: Take- take, like, a- a popular saying from the show...
Steve: A popular what?
Karl: A popular saying, something that crops up quite a lot in the show.
Steve: In our show?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Uhhhm, first thing that spring- sort of, sprang to mind was, uh, "There's this hairy Chinese kid."
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Oooh, classic.
Steve: But more- more commonly it would be something like "Karl, you're an idiot"--
Ricky: Yeah, "Play a record you ignorant fool"--
Steve: "Karl, you idiot", "Karl, you're a fool"--
Ricky: "Ooh, what do you mean? You let us down again. You should have been here."--
Steve: Yeah, "Karl, where have you been?"
Ricky: "Yeah, you--"
Steve: (Mocking Tone) "Oh, you've got a headache, have you Karl? You better have a lie down."
Ricky: (Mocking Tone) Yeah. Awwwwww!
Steve: Typical phrases like that, sure.
Ricky: Yeah. Typical phrases like that, yeah. Yeah.
Steve: "Karl, you're a loser", yeah.
Ricky: (Mocking Tone) Awww, yeah.
Karl: Right. And, uhm, what I've done, I've got a load of different songs and took words--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: From the different songs and then joined them together--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: To make "There's this hairy Chinese kid" and then people have to email in and say what the five songs were.
Steve: It sounds like the most complicated game ever.... I'm looking forward to it. Are you- have you heard any of this, Rick, cuz I've not heard this at all--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I'm not familiar with this.
Ricky: Well, all it is, it'll- it'll go, like, (Disjointed Tones) "Hairy. Chi. Nese. Kid." and that's- it's from, sort of, four different songs--
Steve: Right.
Ricky: And you've got to identify the songs.
Steve: Right. Wow!
Ricky: How many songs in this, Karl? You o--
Karl: Five. Five. "There's", "This", "Hairy", "Chinese", "Kid".
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: All right?
Ricky: So...
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) And, uh, what are the prizes for that? Are these the prizes?
Karl: Yeh. Yeh.
Steve: All right, well let me tell you what they are. They're not too bad, actually. We've got, uhm, "Live Forever" which I assume is a CD that ties in with this new film--
Ricky: Think of that... A well-known phrase from the show and it's "Hairy Chinese kid"!
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.
Ricky: What other- where would you hear that?!
Steve: There is no other radio show in the world--
Ricky: In life. I... this is... Go on.
Steve: If you've just tuned in, I mean, what do you think?
Ricky: What do you think if you've just tuned in? And go, (Slight Manc Accent) "Well-known phrase from show: "Hairy Chinese kid."
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Aww, yeah... classic.
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: They'll be playing that in charades this Christmas.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Steve: Ah, so, yeah, this is, uh, a CD that ties into this new film "Live Forever" which is all- is all about, uh, Britpop and so there's stuff on there from Oasis, Blur, Pulp, etc. Uh, we've also got, uh, another "Red Dwarf" DVD. Uhh, "Marion and Geoff", the first series of that, excellent--
Ricky Coughs
Steve: It's on VHS, sadly but, uh, nevermind. And, uhmmm- and also "The Very Best of Led Zepplin", a two CD set there with all the classics on. So that's not bad prizes actually, Karl. You've done yourself proud.
Ricky: That is, uh- we've upped it- we've upped it, we're getting serious now. We're playing in the, you know- the bigger league. We've upped the stakes, we want "Heat" magazine not to, you know, lose touch with us just because "Rockbusters" is gone.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: I think they're still behind us. We've got to show the worried--
Steve: So, we've got- we've got, uhh- we've got "Film..."- you appear in a film--
Karl: Mm.
Steve: We've got (Laughing Slightly) "Crosswords." How is that to do with a crossword?
Karl: Because I've got words and, sort of, crossed them.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.
Ricky: Right. You haven't really crossed them.
Steve Giggles
Ricky: But, uh, good. So, "Words". We're playing a game called, "Words".
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: "Word Song". Hello, and welcome to "Word Song".
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: And, uhh- and obviously I imagine there'll be some more great music.
Ricky: But we've got a new feature, haven't we?
Karl: Which one's this?
Ricky: Are we doing... uhm, within the monkey news, the new feature?
Karl: Awwwww, Steve...
Steve: I'm excited. You know "Monkey News" is my favorite feature so what have you added to it?
Ricky: Explain it.
Karl: Right, well, uhhh, there's been loads of stuff going on in the past few weeks, all right? Ehhh, but for the times when I struggle, when- when, sort of, monkeys have had a quiet week...
Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly
Karl: And- and there isn't that much news goin' on, right--
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Come up with this thing... I, sort of, speak to an expert, I've- I've spoke to him already, right...
Steve: You spoke- you spoke to an expert?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: A monkey expert?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Uh huh.
Karl: And I ask him a question.
Steve: Wow!
Karl: Right? The feature... it's got a good name, you know that's the way I work.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: "Cheap as Chimps".
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Karl: Right?
Steve: (Laughing) Okay.
Karl: And what I do, I ask them a question about, you know, oooh, how much does it cost to, you know, keep one... how much does it cost to, you know, feed one for a week.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: All this sort of stuff. So, I- I give out, like, a monkey story and if that isn't enough for people, they'll also learn something else at the end of it.
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So, like...
Steve: It sounds fascinating, can I say right now.
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: That's just some of the things that we've come up with. Play a record, Karl.
Steve: Please still continue to listen though.
Ricky: Yeah.
Song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles
You're Gonna Need to Maybe Step Down
Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Buy It In Bottles" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.
Steve: Karl, I need the phone number of your girlfriend.
Pause
Steve: Let me explain why. I was lucky enough, once again, to be on your quiz team this week. Uhm, uh, Ricky--
Ricky: Still to beat me- he's still to beat me with his team yet.
Steve: We, uh--
Ricky: Second- second I came.
Steve: We, uh- the s- the gang here and some friends, we, uh, sometimes go down to a pub quiz in the local area and, uhm, it was very nice of Karl to be invited on his team. Uh, twice now I've been on that team. Ricky's always on another team. And, uhm, I- (Sighs) what can I say, Karl, I- I- do you mind me saying this now because I've- I've- I've analyzed the team and it's your- very much your team and, uh, you've put the team together, you've recruited some excellent personnel, your girlfriend's, uh, very, very good on the team--
Karl: Yeh.
Steve: As is one of her, uh, work colleagues and, uh, you normally bring in, you know someone like myself. I like to think I'm providing a certain something with the entertainment section, I seem to remember last time, I answered at least six or seven questions that other people hadn't got. So, I- I felt I provided something there. Ehm, Karl, I- I- rather like John Harvey-Jones who used to be called in to, sort of, troubleshoot companies I see why you are not winning ever. And it's a rather pricey, uhh, contest, isn't it? It costs a tenner to enter per person--
Ricky: Each.
Karl: Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: And unless you get in the top three, you're not- you're not gonna get to see your money back. So, uhm--
Ricky: No.
Steve: I think you're gonna maybe need to step down--
Ricky Gasps
Steve: From the team... because Karl, I'm not sure--
Ricky: Ooohhh.
Steve: I am not sure--
Ricky: Awww.
Steve: You- you consider yourself a, kind of, player/manager but frankly I'm not sure you're providing enough.
Karl: Right...
Ricky: See this is- this is funny because... as bad as I imagine you are, I don't think Steve would make it into my team so he's gettin' a bit cocky here. I wanna know what your opinion of him- cuz he's told me he's great on it.
Karl: Well... you're bang out of order, first of all.
Ricky: (Laughing Slighty) OOhhh!
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: He's d--
Ricky Giggles
Karl: Did you have a good night when you were with us?
Steve: Um, I tell you what, I wish I'd- I wish I hadn't lost a tenner everytime I've come down.
Ricky Cackles
Karl: Well--
Steve: That would have improved it.
Karl: Your point out there about the football analogy--
Steve: Mm-hmm.
Karl: Alex Ferguson...
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: When did he score a goal?
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.
Karl: He doesn't, he tells the others how to do it.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Right? That's- that's my role in there--
Ricky: He doesn't take up one of the eleven though, does he?
Steve: No. Exactly.
Ricky: It's not like you can only field ten--
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Because, uh--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: "We've only got 10 again." (Ferguson Impression) "Alright, I want to be in the eleven."
Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. He's stopped running around in midfield--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No. No.
Steve: Fallen over.
Ricky: Yeah, shoutin', (Ferguson Impression) "Aww, what have I told ya?"
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: No.
Karl: Right, I'll admit, right--
Ricky: And there's a limit of five players. We should explain that. That's the point.
Steve: Yeah. There's only five pe- players on the team.
Ricky: The- players- so- so--
Karl: But, it- it was pretty tricky on Tuesday, though, wannit? It was one of the tougher--
Steve: T- t- tell everyone the one question you got right.
Karl: It was something about, uhhh--
Steve: Well, tell us the answer, the two words you had to say to get the answer.
Pause
Karl: Dannii Minogue.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Dannii Minogue.
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Steve: That was what you provided - Dannii Minogue.
Ricky Chuckles
Ricky: It's as valuable as Dostoevsky--
Steve: Well, no- not- not- really because--
Ricky: Or 1.6--
Steve: Because- because there was at least two of us who also knew the answer.
Ricky: Oh. Well he--
Steve: We- we gave him- we gave him the--
Ricky: He didn't provide anything.
Steve: No, exactly. We gave it to Karl. We- massage his ego. But, uhm...
Ricky: Oh, yeah.
Steve: I just feel, Karl, I--
Ricky: I- I- do you know what? I'm a little- I feel a little bit bad, now cuz I just saw- he had a crushed face on him--
Steve: Can- can I just tell you right now--
Ricky: He just can't believe this.
Steve: Can I just tell you right now, I think the problem is this: I think there's that precious fifth position that is not being filled - at the moment, I think - consistently enough by a decent player. Right, you've got a solid team. I'm thinking if you want to remain on the team you are gonna have to pull your finger out and find a fifth member that is gonna provide- and I'll tell you where the weaknesses are, I can tell you right now, mate. The weaknesses are natural history and science--
Ricky: Aww--
Steve: Something which Ricky Gervais is scoring on week-in and week-out on his team.
Ricky: There is- there is a few science--
Steve: Now, if he was available for a transfer, we could be fine--
Ricky Laughs Quietly
Steve: But we've got to find someone to fill in that space otherwise I'm either gonna quit or you're gonna have to step down because I don't think I can be on a team where--
Ricky: Where he- dare he loses ten pounds--
Steve: Where there are obvious deficiencies- are visible deficiencies on your team.
Ricky: Um, and you know, the ten pounds.
Steve: That's ten pounds - I'm not made of money.
Ricky Giggles
Steve: That's once a month!
Ricky: I've- I've seen him depressed for two hours when he lost twenty pounds at a casino after five hours playing.
Steve: Don't bring it back. Don't bring- don't bring that back.
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Steve: Don't bring up that again, that story.
Ricky: He doesn't like wastin' money, Karl. You know that.
Steve: What do you think? What do you think? What's the solution? You've got to be- (Slapping His Palm) we've got to think proactively, now. We have got to sort this out.
Karl: See, there's always other things going on in me mind when I'm at that pub quiz.
Ricky Snickers
Karl: For me, it's just a little bit of fun--
Steve: Sure.
Karl: It's a night out, do you know what I mean?
Steve: Yeah, uh huh.
Karl: Suzanne enjoys it.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Bit of a get together, we have a chat beforehand--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: We have a bit of fun.
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: But there's other things on me mind.
Ricky: What are ya thinkin'?
Steve: Karl, I could do that here, I don't have to lose a tenner.
Ricky: No, wait. Wait, what were you thinking during the quiz, there when the questions were comin' out? What were you thinking of?
Karl: Well, what it was, right... just before the quiz started, I had to go the the toilet, right, because the rule is, right - people who don't go to it - once it starts, phones off--
Ricky: Oh yeah, you can't leave the room, yeah.
Karl: No more toilet. They take it dead serious, don't they, right?
Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Karl: So, I went to the toilet.... Now, I'm not bein' out of order here, it just got me thinking, right.
Pause
Karl: I went to the toilet... there's a gay fella in there. All right?
Steve: There was a gay fella in there?
Karl: Gay fella in the toilet--
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Now--
Steve: How could you tell?
Ricky: How did you know? How did you know?
Karl: Just typical, you know... everything about it. Right--
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "It"!
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Everything about it". Right. Yeah.
Ricky: Oh!
Steve: What, large handlebar mustache--
Ricky: W- w--
Steve: Leather cap.
Ricky: Butt- butt plugs, ammonitrate- could I just say that... these views do not reflect the views of the management of XFM or me and Steve. Go on. Karl.
Steve: Or most of the people of this country. On you go.
Ricky: Go on- go on, Karl. What's your problem?
Karl: Yeah, but this is what I'm worried about, really- but this is why I only got Danni Minogue right.
Ricky Giggles
Karl: All right? Cuz this was floatin' around me mind. Went to the toilet--
Ricky: She's a big gay icon, isn't she?
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: Now... go into the toilet.. they have- they have, like, men's cubicle and they have women's cubicle...
Ricky: Yeh.
Karl: Now without sounding out of order... is it wrong for me to think...
Ricky Giggles Quietly
Karl: Gay men should have their own little cubicle?
Ricky: (Laughing) Call in!
Steve: They should have their own- well not cubicle, you mean an actual toilet, I suppose.
Karl: Yeah. When I was at the urinal...
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Normally, you know, there's a fella there and you go, "All right?", and there's no pressure.
Ricky Giggles Quietly
Karl: But I couldn't- I couldn't go. I was thinking, "Should I wait? If I go into the toilet, it'll look obvious--"
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: I had loads of pressure and this was going on--
Steve: But what were you worried about?
Ricky: I am so sorry.
Steve: What were you concerned about?
Ricky: I am so sorry, viewers. I am so sorry.
Karl: Well, it's like- right, listen, when I was a kid, right--
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: And it's all right for you to go into women's toilets when you're a kid, it's like, "Oooh, it's a bit cute."
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right? As long as you're not, like, over fifteen or something, right.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.
Karl: But, when I was a kid I went into the toilet and women, when they use their little cubicles, they don't shut the door. Some of 'em just sit down on the- on the toilet.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right? And you see everything.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky Howls With Laughter
Karl: No, seriously that's probably one of the first times I saw, like, a woman.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: That, right, and me Auntie Nora when she was stayin' over.
Ricky Wheezes Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing) What happened with your Auntie Nora?
Karl: She was, uhm- she was into wearing kaftans...
Steve: Into wearing what?
Karl: You know, kaftans.
Ricky: Oh, yeah.
Steve: What are kaftans?
Ricky: Big bellowy, sort of, dresses.
Steve: Right, right.
Karl: And, uhh...
Pause
Karl: Yeah, I- I- I used to sit on the floor at home, in front of the telly.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: She was on the chair behind--
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: She did a bit of a- sort of, a Sharon Stone scene--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Steve: Oh God!
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Did you see it?
Karl: Mm.
Steve: There was no underwear?
Karl: No.
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What age were you?
Ricky: What was it like?
Pause
Steve: What age were you?
Karl: It was like a ripped tennis ball.
Ricky Bursts With Laughter
Ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!
Steve: WHAT?!
Ice-T - That's How I'm Living Begins To Play
Ricky Laughs
Steve: Right, we're off air. We're off air. Either that or put us in for the Sony's.
Ricky Laughs
Song: Ice-T - That's How I'm Living
I'll Just Hold It In
Steve: Ice T, "That's How I'm Living".
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Bit of old school hip hop.
Ricky: Where's our tea?
Steve: Good point, yeah.
Ricky: Go get me a cup of coffee or sommat.
Steve: Well, before we do that, can I just qualify something? I'm a little bit concerned about your--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Your toilet discussion. What- what exactly is your point again? I'm just a bit bemused.
Karl: Yeah, but- you see... it's- it's a tricky one. All I'm saying is, right, there I was at the pub quiz, I go to the toilet... not thinking about anything--
Steve Laughs Slightly
Karl: I try to go, right, there's a little gay fella next to me.
Ricky: (Giggling) I love this little gay fella.
Karl: Now... the weird thing is there's nothing stopping him having a little- little glance, right? Because he's allowed in- in the fella's toilet.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Now I'm not allowed to go into the women's toilet... and have a little- have a little look 'round.
Steve Laughs
Steve: (Laughing) Right.
Ricky Laughs
Karl: So all I'm saying is: should they have another- another toilet area?
Steve: What, for gay people?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: And... so this would be gay men and lesbians?
Karl: Ehhhh...
Steve: Is that gonna complicate things?
Karl: Well--
Ricky: I mean, I can only assume- I mean, to point- a- a- ask you a question, right. If you're intimidated, that's- I mean, that- that- that's a shame but you know most gay men aren't looking at your knob?
Pause
Ricky: You know that?
Pause
Karl: What do you mean?
Ricky: I can only say that 99.9 percent of gay men who use a urinal standing next to, what they assume is a heterosexual man, aren't looking at his knob.
Karl: Well, what are they doing, then?
Ricky: They're- they're emptying their bladder.
Karl: (Not Convinced) Mmm.
Ricky Bursts Into Laughter
Karl: No, but the thing is, you- you--
Ricky: I can't t- I can't talk politics with Karl.
Karl: You're sayin'- you're sayin', like, you know, about "would you have one toilet for lesbian women and gay fellas?", right.
Ricky: Well, what does that mean? Would it be mixed or would it just be--
Karl: Well, it's--
Ricky: Would it have a- would it have a man on one - that's for heterosexual men, a little picture of a woman on the other and... then what? What would (Laughing Slightly) the little icon be?
Steve: Two- a man and a woman.
Ricky: A man and a woman.
Steve: Just havin' a chat.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: In pink and Dock Martens.
Karl: Well, y- you couldn't mix 'em because then, what would happen is, you'd get people who- who are goin', "Ah, I'll play- I'll play up to this a bit--"
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: What, pretend to be gay?
Karl: And yeah, n- you know, sort of, grow a mustache and shave their head...
Ricky: And pretend to be a lesbian?
Steve Giggles
Ricky Giggles
Steve: (Laughing) Right... Yeah... So- so, I see- so people are pretending to be gay so they can go in and look at the lesbians.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Right. So, that would mean that we need four cubicles now, would we?
Ricky: Yeah, no, this is fine - four cubicles is fine--
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) So- so, every pub now--
Ricky: How many toilets do we need at the moment?
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Every pub has now got four toilets.
Ricky: Oh, Karl, bisexuals!
Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah! Now- interesting--
Ricky: (Comical Tone) Bisexuals! How many toilets do we need nowww?
Steve Chuckles
Ricky: (Comical Tone) Call the council!
Karl: They u- they use any.
Ricky: Uh?
Karl: No.
Ricky: No.
Steve: No, because they're interested in everything, aren't they?
Ricky: Because the little bisexual fella will be looking at your... knob.
Karl: Right, with them--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: What you do - you just have a door, you open it and there's one urinal there. So you can't get a queue... They have to- they have to, sort of, wait--
Ricky: I just thougth o- well, why can't there just be a thing between the urinals? So anyone- no one can look at anyone else's knob... full stop.
Steve: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just to go back to Ricky's point... What stops- even if we've got the toilet for gay men, what stops the gay men who want to have a look at your willy going in the regular toilet and pretending that they're straight?
Ricky: Yeah, most men don't wear--
Steve: Who's going to police this?
Ricky: "Gay" across their head--
Steve: No, exactly.
Ricky: They don't have a tattoo- there's no branding yet (Laughing Slightly) in the British Isles where they have to declare--
Steve: So, we're gonna have to expand this so we've all got to carry- carry identity cards--
Ricky: What do you- do you- do you know it- you can see a gay, can ya, coming a mile off?
Karl Exhales
Ricky: No?
Karl: Nah, I'll just hold it in next time.
Ricky: No, no, no, can you tell gay men? Do you know a gay man?
Karl: I'd say, uhhh... probably... If you did, like, a- if you lined some people up--
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And said, "Point 'em out", I reckon I'd get--
Ricky: But hold on, we're not talking about people dressed in leather with the ass cut out and a handlebar mustache--
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: We're talking about... you know, the everyday monsign--
Karl: No, of course, yeah--
Ricky: A- yeah, but I mean- supposing I put you in a room and there was ten naked men... right.
Ricky Laughs Slightly
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: And, uh, could you- there's five gay men and five heterose- could you walk along that line looking at those gay--
Karl: Am I naked?
Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, you don't have to be naked. Why would you have to be naked?
Karl: To catch 'em out.
Ricky Wheezes with Laughter and Stomps Around the Room
Ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!
The Thrills - One Horse Town Begins to Play
Steve: How would you catch them out?
Karl: Because some of 'em--
Ricky: (Laughing) No, don't go into it! Don't go into it! Don't got into it. Play a record.
Song: The Thrills - One Horse Town
There's This Hairy Chinese Kid
Ricky: The Thrills, "One Horse Town" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now, Karl Pilkington is getting ready, it's the start of a new strand in the show, a new quiz, a new competition to replace "Rockbusters". Now that's quite a tall order but...
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: What have you done?
Karl: Right, like I said, right, if you've only just tuned in, what it is - I've took, and I'll be takin', a well known sayin' every week from the show - something that crops up a lot - uhh, first one that sprang to mind... was...
Ricky: "There's a little gay fella standin' next to me in the urinal"?
Karl: That's next week.
Ricky: Okay.
Karl: This week: "There's this hairy Chinese kid." Right?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: That's cropped up quite a lot.
Ricky: It's sweepin' the nation.
Karl: Right, so what I've done, I've got five songs...
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And I've edited them together to make that sayin'.
Ricky: You've got words- you've- from- from songs where any part of that sentence occurs--
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: To recreate it--
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: Now, what do they need to do? Do they need to say what the song is? Just the five songs?
Karl: I mean I- I was gonna say song and artist but if you want, just the song.
Ricky: So fi- there's five things there and if someone doesn't get all five, it's still worth emailing in because we might give it to the one who's got the most and then--
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: Uhh--
Steve: Can I suggest, uhh, we go for artists rather than song only because sometimes it's quite tricky to get a song title, sometimes it's a more- it's very odd or it's not quite what you think it is. So maybe artist is a- is an easier one.
Ricky: It's y- are you happy with that, Karl? It's your competition.
Steve: Is that all right?
Karl: I mean, Steve always does this, whenever I come up with an idea.
Ricky: Oooh yeah!
Steve: I'm just tryin' to make sure it's just the best it can be, Karl.
Karl: Mmm, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, no, you came up with a few gameshows and Steve was going, "No, it's no good." and Karl said to me, he said, "It's a wonder 'The Office' ever got on telly."
Steve: Yeah, but- well, we shall see how "Cheap as Chimps" plays out but, frankly, the fact that--
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: The fact that you said to me, "Steve, I've come up with the best gameshow ever, it's called 'Cheap as Chimps'" "What's the idea?" "I don't know, I just like the name... it has something to do with chimps." I thought, "Well, I'm not sure that's the best- the best gameshow ever."
Ricky: Well, I--
Steve: And what was the other one you came up with and told me about?
Ricky: I think a few people will be disagreeing with him, Karl. I think people will say that "Cheap as Chimps" could be the best gameshow ever.
Steve: You know, when I was at school, people like you, I really didn't like. You're a stirrer, Gervais. He flips, doesn't he, from one side to the next, Karl. One thing, we may argue, mate, but at least we're consistent. Ricky Gervais flippin' from one side to the other. One day he's on Karl's side--
Ricky: Karl, when was the last time Steve wrestled you to the ground and got you in a leg clamp?
Karl: No, you're right.
Ricky: Never.
Steve: What? Is- is that supposed to be a good thing?
Ricky: Well, didn't you see us?
Steve: Yeah, I saw you struggling in the- (Laughs Slightly) in Karl's office, earlier.
Ricky: He was punching my legs to release him. We were on the floor and I was squeezing him with my mighty legs, wasn't I Karl?
Karl: Yeh.
Ricky: It was like- I imagine that's what a crab feels like when an octopus has got it.
Steve Laughs Slightly
Ricky: We were playing that, weren't we?
Karl: So, anyway--
Ricky Cackles
Karl: So, I'll play this clip. Now, it's ten seconds long, we'll play it a couple of times cuz you'll need to take it in.
Steve: Mm hmm.
Karl: Ehh, so here it is, then... Eh, what are we sayin'? We're saying artists?
Steve: Let's go with artists.
Karl: Artists. So, email in [email protected]. Name the fa- five artists it has taken to make up the saying "There's this hairy Chinese kid".
Ricky: Give that email address again. Give that email address again.
Karl: [email protected], all right?
Ricky: "There's this hairy Chinese kid."
Karl: Here you go.
THERE'S. This. Hare. Chiiii-neeeeeese. Kid!
Ricky and Steve Giggle
Karl: Play it again?
Steve: Yeah, play it again.
Karl: Here you go.
THERE'S. This. Hare. Chiiii-neeeeeese. Kid!
Ricky and Steve Laugh
Steve: I think you better play it once more.
Karl: All right.
Ricky: Ahhh! Got 'em- I've got 'em!
Steve: Have you got 'em all?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: That's nice work.
Karl: Here we go.
THERE'S. This. Hare. Chiiii-neeeeeese. Kid!
Karl: There you go.
Steve: I should just remind you now - that the prizes include a, uh, "Red Dwarf" DVD, "Marion and Geoff", the first series of that on VHS, uh, a "Live Forever" Britpop CD and also "The Very Best of Led Zep- Led Zeppelin". Let's play one of those, actually, while we're here.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: "Rock and Roll".
Song: Led Zeppelin - Rock and Roll