12 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 12 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Lung Feeling

Ricky: Strokes, er, Someday, I'm already annoyed!

Steve: I'm in a- I'm in a bad mood

Ricky: I've been here three minutes and I'm already annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: Bring back Claire, I tell you.

Ricky: No, it's not his fault-

Steve: It is.

Ricky: -it's the whole place. The library's sh-shite, I tried to ge-- Oh God. I had to g-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: I had to go to Capital library, er, oh-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: Fancy that, I had to go to Capital library to get a couple of records I wanted, right? Place is falling apart, the email's not working, it's so shoddy. He's had two weeks off. "Ooh, I'm on holiday." I mean, they, really, they might as well bulldoze this, honestly. 'Cause for all the- you know.

Steve: It is ludicrous.

Ricky: And, we get paid... peanuts.

Steve: You get paid, do you?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah, and it really annoys me that you have to fight t- ah, anyway.

Steve: Anyway, just calm down-

Ricky: XFM 104.9-

Steve: -explain who we are.

Ricky: -I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you're back.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: How was it?

Karl: What, the holiday?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it wasn't all fun was it, because me dad was in, er, was in hospital.

Ricky: Oh, but he wasn't-

Steve: He wasn't during the holiday.

Ricky: -not during the holiday though, was he? You came back from holiday and then found that out, didn't you?

Karl: Yeah, but it happened when I was on holiday.

Ricky: Did you know that though, When you were on holiday?

Karl: No, 'cos I didn't take me phone with me.

Steve: Well, that's our question-

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Karl: But the weird thing is, I got- I got a feeling. When I was sat there. 'Cos it normally happens-

Ricky: It wasn't the nudist beach was it?

Karl: -when I first went away to-

Ricky: When you saw that old fella with his packet out?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -when I went to Ibiza, right. I, er, I had a feeling, and I called home and me dad had punctured a lung.

Steve: When you say you had a feeling, what do you mean, a feeling?

Karl: Just like "Oh, I should call home, there's something not right."

Steve: Mmm. That's a very specific feeling, how did that ma-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -how did that manifest itself?

Ricky: Hold on-

Steve: How does that- how do you get that? What kind of feeling is that-

Ricky: Was it- was it- "Oh God, I'm getting-

Steve: -is that a tingling thing?

Ricky: -I'm getting a bit of a lung feeling.

Steve: Yeah, mmm.

Ricky: A bit of a dad lung feeling

Steve: That feels like- that feels like a punctured lung, mmm.

Ricky: Hold on-

Karl: But anyway...

Ricky: No, but anyway, holiday was good. We talked about it last... week anyway.

Steve: Let's- let's probe Karl about his holiday later-

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: -'cos, you know, that's the sort of thing that audiences will stay tuned for Rick, I'm pretty certain.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Yeah, sure, sure-

Steve: Find out more about-

Ricky: You know more about this radio business than me-

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: -you know, you've hooked them already.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Indeed, yeah.

Ricky: Erm-

Steve: Well, also I'm thinking, we've got nothing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ever, now.

Steve: So- we may aswell save that.

Ricky: No, I resent it. I used to put a lot of work in, but now, I, you know, I think of the money, which is, you know, for me, pretty shoddy.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well, yeah-

Ricky: You know what I mean? I don't usually get out of bed for-

Steve: -you make an awful lot of cash.

Ricky: Well exactly, yeah. And er, you know, and the whole thing, the whole setup... It was raining today, I thought, "I should have a cab in."

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: You know, and then the sun came out so I walked in again.

Steve: Mmm.

Steve laughs

Ricky sighs

Ricky: ...dear...

Steve: How are ya?

Ricky: But, erm, I'll tell you what, I got a bit criticised last week as well, that I- I only played ballads and same songs, so I'm gonna- I'm gonna rock out this week.

Steve: Ah, I'm loving it.

Ricky: I've been down to the Capital library-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: -to get some good tunes, and er, what about a little bit of AC/DC?

Steve: Ahhhh.

Ricky: "You shook me all night long."

Steve: Let's hear it.

Song: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long

Basic Holiday Criteria

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What-

Karl: -it'll be a good holiday. If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good. So your- so- so you'll have a nice time.

Ricky: Yeah, there was a comma, yeah.

Steve: I see.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.

Karl: Erm, and all that, and the food was alright. And err, and everything was going alright, I was just having a nice, relaxing... time.

Steve: And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday? You just lie around? Is that-

Karl: That sort of holiday just lying around, I- I bought a book.

Steve: You bought a book?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, ghosts?

Karl: No, it was- it was short stories, right-

Steve: About ghosts?

Karl: No, it was about, like, err, like, special days in our time, and time before me.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And it was like, err, it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And all these stories are told by eye- eye witnesses.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right, so there was some fella who was around in 1814, and, err, the Thames was frozen, and people used to, err, put market stalls on there-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -and they'd do their shopping, and it was like- it was like an Oxford Street.

Ricky: Was that Mad Liar Charlie?

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, 'cos he's famous for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I'm sure, you know-

Ricky: Yeah, I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.

Karl: Right, so I was reading that and then after a couple of days I was a bit like "Oh..."

Steve: Boring.

Karl: Yeah, you can do- you can only do sort of so much lying around.

Steve: And so much reading.

Karl: So, err, Suzanne said "Well, let's go on the beach, have a walk."

Steve: You hadn't gone on the beach?

Ricky: Where had to been up to this point then? In the- In your room?

Karl: No, just like, around the pool, just- just relaxing-

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Sure, yeah.

Karl: -and having a swim and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, so she said "Well, let's go on the beach." and I said "Oh, alright then, yeah." So, err, wandered down to the beach, and, err, first impressions are "Yeah, it's alright. It's clean."

Steve laughs

Karl: Err "Sea look good."

Steve: Your criteria is so basic, it's brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Hotel, yes, roof, good, food, adequate, beach, clean. Next."

Karl: So, I'm walking along, and everything's good and, err, you know, there's a woman, err, feeding fish bread, which I thought "Well, that's different."

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Ricky: Oh, wh-

More laughing

Ricky: I love that. He likes originality. He loves a bit of originality.

Steve: She was feeding fish bread?!

Karl: This woman was there, like up to her- up to her knees in water-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she was stood there-

Ricky: Was that the sea?

Karl: -chucking- yeah- ch-chucking this bread and I thought "What's she doing?" and I stood there and watched for a minute-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and there was little fish coming up, having the bread. I thought "Ah."

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we c- we carried on walking, and err, everything's going well, and then this fella comes towards me-

Steve: "Everything's going well."

Ricky: I know, yeah. "Yeah, that's original."

Steve: "I haven't fallen over."

Ricky: "Clean- clean, feeding bread, ah, two points for originality. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "It's going well, it's going well."

Karl: Fella comes walking towards me-

Steve: Oi oi.

Karl: -he's only got no pants on.

Steve: Ohh.

Karl: So I said "Suzanne, what's going on?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why does he turn to her? Like she knows more.

Karl: So she said- so she said "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's err..." She said "Yeah, it's a nudist beach."

Ricky: Is this going to be a long story, cos could- could you pour that coffee? Could you give me that coffee over?

Steve: Erm.

Ricky: Sorry- sorry, this is really bad. Ugh, yeah, cos he's pour- thank you.

Steve: Just amuse yourselves, while we-

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Steve: -sort the coffee.

Karl: Steve- Steve, do you want-

Steve: I'll have a cup of coffee Karl, thanks, yeah, cheers.

Ricky sips his cup of coffee

Ricky: Ugh. Cold. Right, good, okay.

Karl: So-

Steve: Great. Thank you.

Karl: So, she said "Yeah, it's a, err- it's a nudist beach." So I said "Well, why- wha-" I said "We're all mixed- mix- it's all mixed up." Normally on a nudist beach- it's a nudist beach innit, you don't go wandering on there when you've got your clothes on an' that.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So, it annoyed me a bit, cos there wasn't any signs. So this fella is getting closer-

Ricky: Well the knob out was a sign.

Karl: Yeah. Right, so he's getting closer, and he walked past me, it was an old fella, err, and he walked past and he had a hat on and, err, and a little pipe-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and a big rucksack on his back. Right, so it got me think-

Ricky: So not strictly naked.

Karl: -I'm walking along and I'm thinking 'Right, why do people wanna do this?'. So straight away he was- I wasn't on holiday anymore, cos most of the time when i'm on holiday I don't think about anything.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, I just-

Steve: You're minds ablank.

Karl: -I just switch off.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right. But all- all of a sudden this- this has got in me head now, and I've turned round to- to look at him, and-

Steve: Check out his arse.

Ricky bursts into more laughters

Karl: -and the bag- and this bag, right, I swear, it was-

Ricky: (???) Ballsack.

Karl: -it was MASSIVE, right.

Ricky: What?

Steve: He had a massive bag.

Karl: The- the bag- the-

Karl almost laughs

Steve: His rucksack.

Karl: His rucksack.

Ricky: Oh right, okay.

Karl: So-

Karl giggles quietly

Ricky: When I said- he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said "What was lower, the bloke's testicles or the woman's tits?" and he said "That was another point, she might as well have wore knickers."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cos it's so low- he could see- that's what he said, to me.

Steve: So you saw the bag...

Karl: So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea innit- ah- this is what I think- I mean I might be wrong, right-

Ricky holds back laughter

Steve: Chances are-

Ricky: You never have been.

Steve: -quite strong.

Ricky: You never have been before.

Karl: Being nudist, right, what's it all about?

Ricky and Steve hold back more laughter

Steve: Tell you what, on that- on that.. point, Karl, let's play a tune- let's come back, and we'll discuss-

Ricky: What are we gonna play?

Steve: -we'll discuss that very issue. We have- we've got some ideas, we did chat about this last week, Karl, in your absence.

Karl: Alright. Well, we'll play the Coral...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It's a good one this.

Song: The Coral - Dreaming Of You

We Wouldn't Survive in the Real World

Ricky: What's going on?!

Karl: I don't know...the adverts aren't working today. I don't, I'll have to get an engineer as well so that's-;

Ricky: Right. Don't play the adverts. I don't wanna play 'em anyway. Don't play 'em! it's not our fault if it doesn't work. it's..

Ricky makes an exasperated noise

Karl: why?...

Steve: Do you realize if we were like, live. We'd be heckled off the stage.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right! don't- play the adverts

Steve: We wouldn't survive in the real world.

Karl: I'll sort that out right

Ricky: Right. Right, get people on the air now. Just g-g-g-g

Steve: No.

Ricky sighs

Steve: Rick. calm down

Ricky: PLAY A RECORD THEN! DO SOMETHING! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Babies by Pulp is played