17 May 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 17 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Bit of a Blow at the Sonys
Ricky: Blur and “Out of Time.” They’re joking. There’s two hours to go.
Steve laughs
Ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. A new leaf. Um, bit of a blow at the, uh, Sonys. Um, not like that. I mean, you know, we were taken aback.
Steve: Speak for yourself!
Ricky: Ha, yeah. Um, and, uh, we've got guests. Jonathan Ross won and he has guests, so we’re gonna have guests in, uh, one of which is, uh, sort of a tie-in. He's going to explain himself. It’s, uh, Dr. Fox, Dr. Neil Fox. Popped in for a chat. It’s a pre-record. We’ve got that. Although, live in the second hour we’re going to have a chat to the girls from t.A.T.u who are upstairs at the moment at Capital and they’re going to, they’re going to pop down and have a little chat with us. So we’re really trying to, you know, make this more of an interactive show. Um, uh, we don’t know yet whether we’re going to give up, uh, or not. It depends how this show goes. Um, yeah. Look forward to that, but we’ve got some great- we went down to the big library so we don’t have to rely on 4 Non Blondes and the, uh, you know, two Jam tracks that are up-up here. We went down to the big library and, uh, we’ve got some great tracks, Steve, haven’t we?
Steve: Lots--
Ricky: We’ve got some classics. Should we play one now?
Steve: Well, before that I just remembered that some of the criticism we received, uh, I think, was that we’re perhaps not taking into consideration the listeners. A lot of shows, a lot of radio shows, they cater very much to the community, to the area which they’re broadcasting.
Ricky: Hmm.
Steve: They interact with the, uh, with the listenership--
Ricky: Where’s the fun in that?
Steve: I agree--
Ricky: --want from me, really?
Steve: Um, I-I-I would just like to justify why we don’t tend to, um, correspond or interact with the listeners. Here’s a typical e-mail from Vicki, aged twenty-five. She asks, “Do you ski?”
Ricky stifles a laugh
Steve: Rick, that’s her question.
Ricky: No, I don’t--
Steve: Do you ski? Yes or no.
Ricky: No, I don’t.
Steve: No, you don’t. Right, there you are. Thanks, Vick!
Ricky laughs
Steve: Brilliant! Keep those coming in!
Ricky: See? He’s- now he’s turned ‘em against us, Karl! What do you think, Karl? What do you think of Steve’s attitude there?
Karl: It’s alright.
Ricky laughs
Steve: More insight like that coming later.
Song: Black Grape- Kelly’s Heroes
Do You Still Do Prescriptions?
Ricky: Black Grape, “Kelly’s Heroes” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Okay? Proper, proper radio. As you know, we’re a bit gutted that we won nothing at the Sony Awards. We found out that, uh, on the panel was Dr. Fox. Probably one of the-the greatest, um, DJs in the world.
Steve: One of the great living broadcasters.
Ricky: I-I… I certainly think that he’s up there.
Steve: Yep.
Ricky: Um, with, uh, w-with Tarrant, Jono Coleman. Um, and so--
Steve: And Chris Moyles.
Ricky: We have- great Chris Moyles. We asked him to- he’s also on the, uh, Pop, you know, Pop Idol panel, so he-he can make and break people, so. We asked him basically to explain himself. Why did we win nothing? Why were we so bad? This is what he had to say.
Dr. Neil Fox: The award, guys, was called “The Entertainment Award.” Right? Now in itself, I think that should probably tell you something about what should be on the tape. There should be some entertainment. And, uh, it just wasn’t very entertaining, actually. I don’t mean- that sounds quite horrible, sitting here in front of you now, but it-it just wasn’t very entertaining.
Steve: But fundamentally what-what elements did you not find entertaining?
Dr. Neil Fox: Uh, the fact that it didn’t seem to entertain me at all.
Steve: Uh-huh.
Dr. Neil Fox: Was part of it. I mean, it’s-it’s a bit of, like, how long is a piece of string, isn’t it? What is entertaining?
Ricky: But we have talked about string on the show before, though.
Dr. Neil Fox: Uh, then there were loads of people I’ve never heard of in my life and some of those were perhaps a bit more entertaining than you. The people that got silver, I think they were called Joe and Twiggy. They worked for a station in the Midlands. Uh, I think Trent FM. They were actually pretty funny.
Ricky: Funnier than our stuff?
Dr. Neil Fox: Yeah, what- yeah, they were, actually. Yeah, they were funny and they seemed to say, seemed to, sort of, understand their loc- seemed to understand their market a bit more.
Steve: Yeah.
Dr. Neil Fox: Then I got on to yours. I’m thinking, “Oh, great! Ricky Gervais, yeah. He‘s really funny in that program, isn‘t he? I must watch that. I’m gonna absolutely die laughing here.” And, uh- oh, God, it was painful.
Steve: How would you'd improved it, just listening?
Dr. Fox sighs
Dr. Neil Fox: Bit of humour.
Steve: Right.
Dr. Neil Fox: Be quite good. Bit of humour, essential, I would think, to an entertainment show. Um, a bit of prep, you know--
Steve: Right.
Dr. Neil Fox: A bit- get in there early and actually think about what it’s going to do, perhaps.
Steve: Well, right, okay.
Ricky: Um, well, thank you, Dr. Fox for your honesty. We got to the bot- whi-while you’re here, can I just show you this?
Sound of pants unzipping
Ricky: That lump. Do you still do prescriptions? Well.
Steve: Dr. Fox there.
Ricky: He was, you know.
Steve: He was honest. He was blunt.
Ricky: He was blunt. I know he- I know that--
Steve: I'd like a second opinion! I’m only joking. He’s not actually a doctor.
Ricky laughs
Steve: Well, he used to be called Dr. Fox and now he just calls himself Neil Fox. I think he’s been struck off.
Ricky: No, he’s Neil Fox, M.D.
Steve: (chuckling) Right!
Ricky: He’s just- yeah.
Steve: I wondered if there was some malpractice that- something happened.
Ricky: They- I mean, we can’t--
Steve: Someone was under and he, sort of, you know, went a little bit crazy.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Let’s leave it there!
Steve: (laughing) Yeah.
Ricky: Because Froggy will not take that lightly.
Steve: Who?
Ricky: Froggy.
Steve: What do you mean, “Froggy?”
Ricky: He’s Dr. Frog now. He’s changed it. He didn’t like Fox.
Steve: Oh, right.
Ricky: He hated Fox.
Steve: But, uh, are we going to heed his-his criticism? Because it was about there was no preparation--
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: We weren’t funny; fair enough.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Um, there was just really no content.
Ricky: We didn’t care about our--
Steve: Didn’t care about the show.
Ricky: The demographic we’re meant to be aiming at.
Steve: Um--
Ricky: Um.
Steve: Just sounds like a lot of work, all that.
Ricky: Uh…well, I-I think what we can do is we-we can take all on board and immediately forget it and carry on.
Steve: Brilliant!
Ricky: Cause it’s easier. What about that?
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: I tell ya what we could do, though. Play some bloody great tunes.
Steve: Well, thanks very much.
Song: Athlete- You’ve Got the Style
You Can Have Your Cake and Eat Tit
Ricky: Athlete. “You’ve Got the Style” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Innit?
Steve chuckles
Ricky: Alright?
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: Well, you know, the funny thing was the, uh, the day of the Sonys the Rajar figures came out. That’s the body that tells exactly how many listeners you’ve got, etc. And, uh, um…XFM went down a little bit across the board. Except one show, Steve, that went up thirty-four percent.
Steve: Keep talking.
Ricky: Well, what show d’you think that was?
Steve: Well, I’m trying to think. Would it be Zoe Ball?
Ricky and Steve: Nooooo!
Steve: Would it be Christian O’Connell breakfast show?
Ricky and Steve: Nooooo!
Ricky: It was this little mother of a show.
Steve: Really?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Up thirty-four percent?
Ricky: Yeah. Everything else went down, we went up thirty-four percent.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: So maybe Dr. Fox should be listening to those figures.
Steve laughs
Steve: Indeed!
Ricky: Yeah, will we get a pay rise? Will we get a thirty-four percent pay rise, Karl?
Steve: Ooh! Up to eighty quid a month!
Ricky laughs
Karl: You’ve just worked, like, for the last two years. There’s been nothing there. You’d still be getting the same money, haven’t ya? That’s the way it works.
Steve: There’s been what there?
Karl: It’s- you’re not paid per listener, are you? It’s just… you know what I mean?
Steve: It seems like it!
Ricky laughs
Ricky: I think they-they’ve each given us five pence!
Steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly!
Ricky: Um, I went along to, uh- I came in for the presenter’s meetings this- I've never been before.
Steve: A what?
Ricky: A presenter’s meeting. I didn’t know they existed. And I just came in to annoy Karl. It was about five to six, um, so I was going to get him as he knocked off. We were--
Steve: Sorry, and a presenter’s meeting is what? That’s where the dish out which amusing news stories they’re going to read out, is it?
Ricky: Yeah? Or the- no, no, what order they’re going to play, um, uh, Athlete, Coldplay--
Steve: Right.
Ricky: Uh, The Vines.
Steve chuckles
Ricky: Um, and, uh, went upstairs. There’s all sort of people there. And, um, quite interesting, wasn’t it? Karl?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: You know why the figures went down a little bit?
Steve: Go on.
Ricky: The war.
Steve: Is that what they said?
Ricky: The war, yeah. At one, at one point, I said to Karl, “Just how many listeners died in this war?”
Steve laughs
Ricky: Cause I thought he was saying that they were, they were at the front.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Or-or-or Xfm listeners went, “Well, I’m going.”
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: “I’m going to Iraq.”
Steve: Well, the reason our listeners--
Ricky: “Tell Zoe to tape it for me!”
Steve chuckles
Steve: The reason our listenership went up- that-that just tells you who’s listening to us. Cowards!
Ricky laughs
Steve: Yellow-bellies. Children. Women.
Ricky: People with falling arches.
Steve: Yeah. Terrorists!
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Oh, dear. Yeah, I didn’t, I didn’t, I- it was quite a good meeting, though. I saw some--
Steve: So what exactly? Was there anything I missed out on? Is there--
Ricky: No, no. They just, you know, it went, it went down a little bit, except our show, which went up thirty-four percent!
Steve: Up thirty-four percent.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: But no awards for that.
Ricky: Remember that. And then you went out- you went out afterwards, didn’t ya?
Karl: Uh, yeah. We went to, uh, went to a bar to have a coupla drinks an’ that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And then, uh, few of ‘em…went on to, uh, on to Stringfellows.
Ricky: No they didn’t.
Karl: Well, some of ‘em did. Zoe did.
Ricky: Who?
Karl: Zoe and a, you know, a few of the office people an’ that. I-I went home.
Ricky: Stringfellows?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: To-to what? To watch lap dancing? To be- what?
Karl: Yeah, that’s-that’s goes on there, innit? I know. It’s mad, innit?
Steve: Have you- I’ve never been to Stringfellows. I don’t know what happens there.
Ricky: N- I-I-I-I- but…no. I- what- why-why would they--
Karl: I don’t know! I don’t know. I mean, I was talking to people about it the day after and said, “Oh, you missed out.” I said, “Well, did I?” I said, “What- how’s it work?” They said, “Well, you know, you pay--”
Ricky: Never quite understood lap dancing. Never quite understood it. What is it? It’s-it’s basically… someone dancing naked, rubbing their…arse in your face.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: That’s basically the gist of it, is it?
Karl: But you, but you can’t…the rules is you can’t touch.
Steve: Do they do a, um, a home service?
Ricky laughs
Ricky: I just think it’s just- it’s nearly- I-I-I’ve got to be careful what I say here, but it's, sort of…you know, I’m not dissing Stringfellows or anything, but is that not, sort of, like one step down from prostitution?
Steve: That’s such an antiquated--
Ricky: You know what I mean?
Steve: What, are you from the nineteenth century?
Ricky: No, but I mean what-what- it’s like it’s…wha- I-I don’t, I don’t quite understand it. I-I-I…have you--
Karl: I don’t get it! I don’t get it. Cause the thing is, they- I said, “How does it work?” They said, uh, “You pay twenty quid.”
Ricky giggles
Karl: “You-you get some clean money, sort of, like little vouchers that you stick in their knickers or whatever.
Ricky: Oh, God!
Steve: Clean money?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Disinfected money, okay.
Karl: Well, just like vouchers.
Steve: Can you put loose change in there?
Ricky chuckles
Steve: Cause I got a lotto letter.
Karl: But, um--
Ricky: IOU!
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, go on.
Karl: Twenty quid, it is.
Steve: Right.
Karl: And, um, I-I just don’t get it cause, I mean, I’m not, I’m not tight with money or anything, but--
Steve: No.
Karl: You pay twenty quid. They dance in front of you, but you’re not allowed to touch, which to me is like…going to a restaurant, ordering a nice, big, warm dinner and they put it in front of you and it’s like, “Well, you can’t eat it!” And you say, “But it’s going cold!”
Ricky: HAA!
Steve laughs
Ricky: I love the idea of some bloke sitting in Stringfellows. Business man, right? Paid twenty pounds. There’s an arse waving in his face and he’s going, “Can I not just--” They go, “Don’t touch--” He goes, “It’s going cold!”
Steve laughs
Ricky: “Look at it! It’s going cold!”
Steve laughs
Ricky: Oh, that is brilliant. “It’s going cold.” That is- I-I mean- see, Karl, in the week, was saying that he doesn’t like sayings and phrases and metaphor and analogy and I was going- you know, an-and he thinks it’s, sort of like, you know, one step away from poetry. But he comes out with the most evocative phrases.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: That-that-that is a straightforward analogy. “Lap dancing is like being given a meal that you can’t eat.” See, that-that’s-that’s great.
Karl: Hmm.
Ricky: That’s how you saw it and that-that-that’s so much better than saying, “It’s-it’s mad you can’t touch” or “It’s a waste” or- d’you see what I mean? I was, I was trying- we were trying to inflame his, um, enthusiasm in the week and, uh, I said about, um, different phrases an’ that. He goes, “Well, why not just say the actual words?” I was going, “Well, it’s more poetic!” And I told him the Issac Newton one, um, uh, “If I have seen further than any other man, it’s because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.” And I said, “Well, that’s because, you know, he’s saying, um, uh, you know, “I’m getting lauded for being this great scientist and all these discoveries and being a genius, but I’m saying, you know, if it wasn’t for those scholars before me that had come up with what they’ve come up with, you know, I wouldn’t have got this far.” Karl went…what’d you say?
Karl: I just said, “Well, I’d-I prefer him to give me a name check.”
Steve laughs
Karl: D’you know what I mean, though? If you're stood there and he’s saying how good everything is, don’t just class me- don’t, like- don’t, sort of, put me in with a load of other people. Give me a mention!
Ricky: If you were one of the other scholars?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah, I think there are probably people that died, sort of, years before him. I think he’s saying more that he’s thanking the body of work these scientists and these great men had-had handed down, you know, through either books, material, teachings--
Steve: He’s not giving a big shout-out to the collective science posse.
Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. “Ya know, fank you. Actually, I copied Nigel’s.”
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He’s not saying that. “I-I was, I was, like, Huygens. I heard what Nigel said about it, about the third law.” D’you know what I mean?
Karl: Yeah. I mean, I look into sayings an’ stuff.
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: A lot more, see if they work. Well, one-one that, um, happened a couple weeks ago, right? You were talking about it. The, uh- "you can’t, you can’t have your cake and eat it."
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Is that what it says?
Ricky: Well, I never understood that cause I thought well, what's the point of having your cake and not eating it, rather like your lap dancing analogy. But it actually means you can’t have eaten your cake and still have it there, obviously.
Steve: Yes, exactly.
Karl: Well, the-the time that I saw that same work, right? I was in, I was in ASDA with Suzanne.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And d’you know those big…binders you get with nice cakes in ‘em?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: For birthdays an’ that. You can get one with, like, David Beckham on the front of it.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: You can have one with, you know, Thomas the Tank Engine if you want.
Steve: Ricky Gervais.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: You can have one of them. And I saw one of those comedy ones where it is, like, a big pair of breasts.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And that is when, you know, you can have your cake and eat tit.
Ricky stifles a laugh
Steve laughs
Ricky: Play a record.
Karl: No, but--
Ricky: Play a record.
Karl: You see what I’m saying?
Ricky: Play a record. Play a record. I want to talk to you about it. About puns.
Karl: Just…
Song: Placebo- This Picture