17 November 2001/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 17 November 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.

Mystic Mug

RG Xfm 104.9, Dandy Warhols, Bohemian Like You, it's the Ricky Gervais show
SM With Steve Merchant.
RG Yeah! Exactly, and Karl, whose turned our microphones on.
SM Whay! Good to see you Karl, good to see you Ricky.
RG Cheers, now, in a fun filled and music filled show, we've got music and fun.
SM Yes, looking forward to that.
RG Two hours, solid two hours, there's no gaps.
SM ...There's nothing...
SM/RG There'll be no dead air.
SM There will be adverts sometimes..
RG The adverts, yer, but i mean you know, that's what pays our wages innit really.
SM Certainly.
RG and some of the adverts i think are quite amusing!
SM Yer, i particularly like the ones that you're on.
RG ...Yer...Err, we've got um... our hip-hop challenge, we've got song for the lovers, song for the ladies, we've got a film review, so...
SM Magnificent, had any calls about that rick? had any, maybe channel 5 onto you?
RG No, there haven't no.
SM That's strange, that's wierd....
RG No, but it's, i think it's a bit ahead of itself, because it's very unique. It's a bit out there. Anything cuaght yuor eye this week steve?.
SM Well rick, i know that both you and i, err... are kinda obsessed with these people who beleive in people who believe in, people who can predict the future, or have got contact with the dead..
RG Yer.
SM Or whatever, and, i know mystic meg is a bit of a nonsense, but people do take her seriously, and on the cover of The Sun today: Mystic meg won me 15 million quid..
RG Wow!.
SM Right, and you're thinking, that's a pretty amazing claim, i know that Karl believes in mystic meg and all that rubbish, you know. You're thinking, wow, here at last is proof that she has got powers, and you're wondering to yourself, well maybe she predicted the numbers specifically, you know that would be a hell of a....
RG Just to him..
SM Yer, which is incredible, absolutely incredible. So there's this guy, err "Lottery Mad Tom Nailer", he's a lorry driver, right, he won 15 million quid. He says, um, "I always read my horoscope in The Sun and follow the advice". Err, basically, what meg said was: "Keep a lottery ticket in a yellow mug, to add luck". So you're thinking, right ok, so he's kept his ticket in a yellow mug, that's still pretty extraordinary...
RG Yer.
SM Hmm, "I didnt have a yellow mug" says Tom, "So I put it in the pages of my mapbook"... sorry, "I put the ticket in the pages of my map book, which is yellow."!
RG Right... He's used the yellow, no, he's used the yellow!
SM Yer, now see i don't know much about how mystic meg works, I'm assuming maybe there's some kind of psuedo science that she applies...
RG Yer.
SM I think if she'd said put it near anything yellow: Fine. She said put it in a yellow mug, that's pretty specific, from that he's thought, well i'll ignore meg's advice, i always do what she says...
RG She's had two sort of like, you know, points of reference there: the descriptive, the yellowness of the object and the object itself and that should be a mug. What's missing in the yellow book is the mugness - it's got lots of bookness, but it wasnt the book that gave him the 15 million.
SM Exactly, exactly.
RG I reckon, i reckon mystic meg won me 7 and a half million
SM Right.
RG Would have been a more accurate...
SM Sure, sure, yer. So, i dont know, Karl, Karl, do you think that's pretty spooky? and weird, unnatural stuff?
KP Im just a bit livid today, i wasn't really listenin' to what you were saying.
SM Not paying attention?
KP Yer, sorry.
SM Ok... Do you wanna notify us, before we ask you a question?
RG Yer, go on.
KP No, it would have just been nice if had, like, warned me you were gonna ask me about it... I'm just a bit livid.
RG Go on, what about?
KP (mumbles)... dont wanna talk about it.
SM Have i done something?
KP No, no, just... just a bit livid.
RG (short silence) Eh... Xfm 104.9
SM (Laughs into add break)

Song: Adam F. and MOP - Stand Clear

Birds With Knobs

RG Stand clear, Adam f. MOP. We all know who's Dad Adam F. is.
SM (Who was it again?)
RG No... We all know who's Adam F.'s Dad of. We all of know Dads. Do we?
SM Rick, can you keep it, keep filling, cuz i've realised i've left my mobile phone on, and the kind of calls im gonna be getting on a saturday afternoon... (laughs)
RG Yer, i'll just. Er, no one'll notice, just... Oh, that was: Adam F. and MOP - Stand clear. We all knnow Adam F.'s got a Dad... (silence) (sighs) Oh i did it again. Do you remember the trivia quiz?
KP Forgot it.
RG Whose Dad is Adam F.?
KP Elvin Stardust?
RG Yes, shane thenton, that's what the F must be for. You back?
SM That's done, yer.
RG Yer, we wouldn't wanna, argh. All the people that are calling you all the time.
SM Ho HO! The ladies!
RG Oh God. Anyway, Xfm 104.9.
SM Rick...
RG We're gonna start now, we're gonna start now, this proper radio, from now. Go Go.
SM (laughs) Oh, there's a lot of pressure on me now
RG Yer.
SM Im gonna muck it up. Now i know you're a big trivia fan, i know you're obsessed with trivia.
RG Love it.
SM And i thought to myself, how can i entertain rick on saturday?
RG Go on.
SM So i was wondering around on the web looking for um, trivia basically, that could entertain you. And you're a big animal trivia fan.
RG I love animal facts.
SM And there's not much you dson't know about animals. But here's something.
RG You're gonna catch me out now aren't you?
SM Oh well, i dont know. Here's one, i dont know if you've heard this one before: Ants never sleep.
RG No, I know.
SM "Ooh I know"!
RG And they have alcohol in their blood, so they dont freeze in winter, that's why you never see a lazy ant. It's always working... It's drunk, but it's always working.
SM They never sleep but they do take a lot of fag breaks.
RG Yeah! I know, yeah, I think it's because they cant sleep, because it's like, noisey neighbours, there's about a million of them, living sometimes in a room. And it must be a real... But you see 'em carrying a leaf and you see someone else, and they say "Do want a hand with that?" and they say "Don't be silly, you're carrying something 8 times your bodyweight as it is." He goes, "Oh, you know, i've got another pair of hands free, i'll give you a hand.", yeah they're great, ants.
SM Yeah, they're incredible.
RG Ok, knew that one, next.
SM Right, this is one im throwing right at you Karl, err. There's only one bird that has a penis. Which bird is it?
RG It's not a joke?
SM No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. It's a genuine trivia question.
RG Ok, i'd say. (silence) i'll say, i think i've seen one on this, er, is it an osterich?
SM Right, you're going for osterich, karl?
KP I'll go for osterich aswell.
SM Right... Did you come up with that yourself?
KP Yep, i was gonna way that before he said it.
SM Right. Well guys you went for (KP Chicken?) osterich, you're both wrong. It's actually the swan.
RG (laughs) Chicken! (repeating Karl)
SM (laughs) Yer!
RG That's a biut worrying then, because i thought i saw an osterich penis, so hat was i looking at?
SM I dont know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo?
RG No, i was just, i was just...
SM It was probably a strapon.
RG It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.
SM Exactly.
RG And that's how it can influence, things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can...
SM Confuse a child, if he's at the zoo, and he doesnt know.
RG A swan's got a...? That's really anoying, i'd never give a swan a knob.
SM Hmm.
RG It's the puffiest of all birds.
SM It is the puffiest of all birds.
RG "Oh, i'm protected by the Queens, but i need a knob."I'd give, if i had to give a knob to any bird, um...
SM (laughs) Good question.
RG (No! )
SM No, i wish i'd posed that myself: If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in.
RG Vulture!
SM Well of course a Vulture.
RG They need a cock.
SM What about yourself Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude!
RG It's gotta be a bird of prey or something like that hasn't it?
KP Just a robin, really.
SM (laughs) That would have been amazing!...
RG (laughs) Yer!
KP Christmas cards would be like...
RG/KP (LAUGH)
RG Yer, but it's a normal human sized knob... on a robin. That would be great wouldn't it.
SM That would be genius.
RG And the other thing anoyying about this, this is ironic, right, now, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called the cock...
SM Yes.
RG ...But the only bird with a cock...
SM Yep.
RG ...Is called a "cob"!
SM Is that what a swan's called?
RG Yer, their cob and pen, not cock and hen!
SM Right.
RG And he's isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!
SM Yer, yer, quick query there rick...
RG Go on...
SM When you then cock, presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.
RG Yer.
SM The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?
RG Well, you're showing off the whole farse of radio broadcasting...
SM Because you're not really allowed to say cock when you mean penis.
RG Exactly, no. One cock would cause great offence...
SM Yer...
RG The other cock's fine.
SM (laughs) Exactly.
RG It's wierd isn't it?
SM It is strange, it is strange! So if i said now to you now, "Ooh, i like cocks"...
RG Yer...
SM ...Meaning birds...
RG Yer, that's fine.
SM But if it meant penises it weould be a problem.
RG If you like...
SM Right, Karl do you like cocks? (silence) Do you like cocks?
KP No.
SM Right, ok, no that's fine, that's fine, i was asking if you liked...
RG No, i like you know...
SM Well i mean, im a big fan of, um, tits...
RG ...The small birds that come down and peck at your...
SM ...Yer.
RG Yer, you like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with... Karl, don't worry.
There's nothing wrong with saying tits and cocks.
SM Because when i said "tits" i meant the little birds.
RG Yer.
SM And when i say cocks i mean the big birds.
RG Yer. Do you know, when um... (breaks into laughter)
SM Go on, no, go on...
RG No, it's just that when you were talking about tits...
SM Yer?
RG You know, at the milk... do you... they... i like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.
KP Argh, come on!
RG What?
SM What you talking about? What are you tlaking about? No, when the milkman's coming... (fades out)

Song: Ash - Sometimes

Look At Karl's Face

RG Ash and Sometimes, lovely song. Gotta apologise to our producer there, because he was worried about... there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden...
KP It's just i think you're better than that.
RG I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, i like tits, or i like (cocks), so we're gonna be a bit more literary now, one of my favorite things is "Fanny by Gas Light".
SM Really?
RG Yes.
SM That's interesting, im a big fan of "Moby Dick".
RG Oh, the, o yer, the book, "Moby Dick", not the medical condition, there's nothing inuendal, no it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow (sea men). No I, in the winter steve...
SM Yer...
RG Steve... There's nothing i like more than to keep my hands warm in a muff.
SM No, sure, sure, you mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have...
RG Yer, posh ladies, often put the'ir hands in... You know when you a nice, like party...
SM A winter party, yer.
RG And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing i like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs, and they're going, "Oh, this must be yours"!
SM Yer, that is always funny.
RG Yer,um, but, seriously, stop this, i've got a philosiphy degree...
SM I've just rememberd that my favorite beatle's song is "Come Together".
RG Yer, now, we're gonna stop this now Karl because it's childish, yoiu're right, i've got a philosiphy degree, for christ sake, and it's about time...
SM Who's your favorite philosiphor, do you mind me askin'?
RG Well, i would tell you, except, when i ever talk about it i always go into a cockney accent, it it can be like "My favorite philosiphor, i like a bit of Kant".
SM Right... Is that Emanuel Kant? The philosipher.
RG Yer.
SM That's strange.
RG Yer.
SM What's his surname again?
RG "Kant"
SM Oh yer, yer, that can be wierd, can be strange.
RG Look at Karl's face...
SM Look at his face...
RG Look at his face!
SM Join in Karl, undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.
RG We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.
SM Yeah!
RG We won't do local radio again for 10 years.

Song: Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys

Wayne King

RG Ian Brown - Dolphins Were Monkeys, before that, don't know what that was. Um, i'm still pissed off that swans have got cocks.
SM Yer.
RG It's a waste, it's a waste of a knob with a swan (SM I know what you mean) And they don't know what they're doing with it half the time. Now, we've got some great, do you remember, we've stopped all the silly inuednos now, but do you remember...
KP I think it's because they've got a long neck, and to balance them properly in the water...(RG (laughs))... what are those things that boats have underneath?
SM A rudder?
KP No...
RG No, the big thing...
KP It might be, do you know what i mean?
RG Yer, it might be, you might be right. Yer.
SM But ducks would need one aswell wouldn't they?
KP No, cause they've got short necks.
SM Oh, i see what you mean, it's the necks, yer.
RG So, hold on, do you think that's, so long necks - long knob?
SM Don't look at me Gervais (KP Ask Steve)
RG I know, no, Sandie (Unsure of spelling of this name)'s got a tiny cock hasn't she?
SM But she has got one, which is strange...
RG That's libelous, i'd jsut like to say that Sandie (and here) has never had a knob.
SM No, she's not.
KP But you're not lieing about the neck...
RG No, she's got a little neck, that's fine, that's clear for all to see. I just remember um, a bloke i saw on oppurtinity knocks once, it was a pianist, and this is true, and his name was "Wayne King", do you like Wayne King?
SM Arl what's your opinion on Wayne King?
KP (Silence) I don't know his work.
SM You're not a fan of his work, ok, no, no, that's fine, Karl, we asked you're opinion mate, and you've given it. And that's all we can ask for...
RG No opinion on Wayne King, at all
SM If you're a fan of Wayne King at home, please get in touch, the email address i had, um, ricky.gervais-at-xfm.co.uk. What was the number again, 08700 800 ****, you know, if you like Wayne King or you know
KP (sighs)
RG No!
SM Karl what are you talking about, we're asking someone's music opinion, it's a music station...
KP Is it gonna be like this all day?
SM/RG (laugh)
KP Let's talk about you and your grlfriends again, i think people enjoy that more
SM/RG ooooohhh!
RG You are grumpy, why are you grumpy? some on tell us?
KP I think i've got SAD.
RG What's that mean?
KP You know when it's dark outside and you feel depressed (RG Oh, yer) I think i've got that.
SM But you're from manchester aren't you, isnt it pitch black there alll the time? Which country is it, Iceland? Where it's dark all year.
RG The land of the mole people.
KP I was telling steve before, in fact, im not gonna bore you with it, go on, what were you saying about wanking?
SM Well you bored me with it earlier, can't you bore him with it?
RG Yer it's only fair... What were you saying about what?
KP Wayne King (breaks into laughter)
RG Oh Karl, play a record!
SM Oh karl, that's a disgusting Karl, you're a pervert.

Song: Liquido - Play Some Rock

Children In Need

RG Liquido - play some rock, that's what we're doing steve!
SM We are indeed!
RG Before that, weaser, island in the sun.
SM Can i just ask Karl a quick question?
RG Yer, why does he swear so much on radio?
SM Karl did you see that film last night, "Gay lords say no"?
KP (long silence) ummm, yes.
SM (sighs)
RG What were you watching that for?
SM Yer, wierdo. OH! you're always gonna lose with that one. did you see that film last night "gay lords say no"?
RG No... Ah, no! (SM That means you're a gaylord)
SM That is, actually, the official way of finding out if someone's gay.
RG That's how oscar wilde got caught.
SM that's exactly how he got caught.
RG They went "well we've got evidence, oh before you go oscar, did you watch that film last night "Gaylords say no?", "No", "Take him away".
SM Yep, take that bender downstairs.
RG Take him out of my sight.
SM That is how they got him, that's the official way.
RG Yep.
SM Children in need last night rick
RG argh! I watched a bit of it.
SM Did you watch a little bit karl? It's awful isn't it? It's the worst thing ever, i mean it just, i've said this before, the thing about children in need, it makes the whole country and bbc 1 for one day into just one big school fete.(RG Yer) It's so perfetic, the entertainment is ill thought out, it's just boring.
KP I'd prefer it if the just made everyone pay a pound.
SM That'd be fine, yer.
KP And they'd make more money, and we wouldnt have to sit through it.
SM Just add it to the license fee.
RG But surely that's, exactly, surely that's just a taxation that we should...
SM But that's fine.
RG As opposed to going through this nonsense of people from west-end musicals who aren't selling come out and do a song. ('SM Yer, ofcourse).
SM They may aswell, because there was Terry Wogan at one point gioing round the audience with a bucket just rattling it, getting people, members of the audience to put lose change in a bucket! It's national television, they've already had to sit through 3 hours of rubbish, now you're making them pay for it.
RG Does he get paid?
SM I dont know, if he's doing it for charity. You notice that all the pop acts that go on there are all plugging a new single.
RG Of course, but that's...
SM It's like there's this mask, this charade of charity, but they're all plugging a single.
RG Yer.
SM It's just pathetic, it's utterly pathetic, they may as well bring on a big tombola and guess how many pennies are in the jar...
RG How did pudsey lose his eye aswell?
SM Well, he'll get another one out if he's not careful. And um, I was watching it quite late, we just had it on in the corner while we were chatting and stuff, and um... About 1 O'Clock in the morning, ok, they'd been promising this for ages; it was a couple of, sort of Hollyoaks stars or something, (RG Yer) male stars were gonna be part of a male striptease Full Monty type thing.
RG Yeah, I turned that off. (SM Yeh) I didn't wanna watch that, Steve.
KP Do you notice how he said they'd been promising it for ages (RG Yeh), it was on at 1 in the morning and he was staying up.
RG Yes, Karl's got you!
SM Well you've got the measure of me Karl (RG (laugh)).
KP It's a bit weird, Steve!
RG Yeah!
SM Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?
RG (laugh)
SM No but the point was right, the thing about the um... Are you a gaylord tape tied to a tree?
RG Yeah.
KP Yes.
SM/RG There you are then.
RG Done ya.
KP Have you really done me?
SM No but seriously, so they bring on... this male stripper gang come on, y'know, firemen or whatever, and they come on, and then it cuts to the audience, and there was one woman just putting her glasses on. (RG (laugh)) I like the fact, a 40 year old woman, it's like it was 1 in the morning, she'd fallen asleep and her friend must've gone "Agnes, Agnes quick put your glasses on, wake up, they're getting their cocks out." And I mean cocks.
RG Yeah, yeah.
SM They did this striptease right, they did this striptease, and I have to swear, right, they went right down to their underwear and they were just flashing their arses, they were just... It was... And I was thinking, this is for kiddies! And it was obscene, it was utterly obscene, I was actually appauled.
RG Not at 1 in the morning it's not!
SM What're you talking about, it was appauling, for Children In Need!
RG Well the charity is.
SM No but it was just... It was offensive, I was offended by it, it was the BBC, it was charity, and there were blokes with their todgers almost out.
RG (laughing) Yeah but it's post-watershed, you can have any event and give it to anything can't ya?
SM No, that's not right, it's for children! 'Cause a lot of children will stay up and watch that, their parents will sort of go "Yeah, it's fine," y'know, "you can stay up and watch Children In Need, that's for kids."
RG Yeah... Then arses aren't... Y'know.
SM But it wasn't just arses, they gave the impression they were fully nude. I mean thankfully they weren't, I made a close inspection. RG (laughs)
SM It was obscene!
RG Yeah, me and Karl, Karl's got the measure of ya, me and Karl are looking at eachother.
SM Yeah, you're looking at eachother? (RG (laugh)) Gazing into eachother's eyes?
RG What's happened to us, just for one week only we're back at school ok, there's innuendos, we laugh when we say the word bender, cock, tits meaning birds...
SM #Karl and Ricky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Rick, have you been enjoying Bubba Spark's current hit, #Ugly, you're ugly, oh I'm ugly, ugly. A song which means nothing to me actually, (RG (laugh)) I can't relate to it at all.
RG I am, yeah, I am, yeah.
SM What do you make of Bubba?
RG I like Bubba.
SM He's a sort of down-south kinda rapper...
RG I know where this is going. I bet you've got a little bit of Bubba in your Hip Hop Challenge.
SM Oh ho ho, well, we did have the Hip Hop Challenge a couple of weeks ago, but I lost, so basically we're just playing a favourite hip hop track of ours aren't we? (RG Yeah.) Each week. And this is my selection, it's from Bubba's current album, it's not the hit "Ugly", it's er, the album's actually called "Dark Days, Bright Nights" and I believe this song presumably comes from that title 'cause it's called "Dark Days, Bright Nights", enjoy it Rick.
RG I will.

Song: Bubba Sparks - Dark Days, Bright Nights.

Those Sparky Bubb Boys

SM Bubba Sparks - Dark Days, Bright Nights, title track of his current album, Rick, what do you make of it?
RG I love it, it's great, it's hypnotic... The chorus, is that... It sounds like Stevie Wonder or...
SM It does sound like Stevie, I don't know, I haven't got the inlay sleeve to hand, I can't tell you.
RG Does anyone know? Maybe they could call in.
SM Rick, I'd love to give out the number, in fact I will; 08700 800 ****, ricky.gervais-at-xfm.co.uk, who is providing the chorus for Bubba Sparks' Dark Days, Bright Nights. 104.9 XFM.
RG Well, from Bubba Sparks, to... Sparky Bubbs... Those... Sparky Bubb boys, Suede.
SM Heyyy, slick.

Song: Suede - Beautiful Ones.
Song: Strokes - Last Night.

I Seem To Have Run Out of Words

RG Strokes - Last Night on XFM 104.9 before that, Suede (SM Absolutely) - Beautiful Ones. Fella just phoned up and said "You were talking about waterfoul before," the only bird with a penis is the swan, and he said we'd worried him about the ugly duckling, about, oh he turned into a swan, but a duckling's... Are not called ducklings, they're called signets. I pointed out that the swan in question didn't understand, 'cause he thought he was a duckling, and all the other ducks sorta laughed at him 'cause he was all gangly and everything, then he turned into a swan and he realised "Oh, I was a swan all along..."
SM Yeah, the ugly duckling story got me through so many bleak nights as a child.
RG You couldn't wait to one day turn into a swan.
SM Still waiting for it.
RG So you could have a knob! Yeah, 'cause er, so er... Look, Karl, look don't worry, this is a nice little, no one's gonna complain about this (!), this is lovely (SM It's kids stuff) childish, lovely little innuendos, there's nothing nasty or vicious there's no hate.
SM And anyway, off-air you're a different kettle of fish, you were trying to get us with the gaylords joke.
RG Yes he was, he tried to do this, this was, we'd done the gaylord joke, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?" Karl, trying to get his own back, went "Did you watch Gaylords last night?" Brilliant.
SM It's gotta be, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords say no?", and then you say "No", and we all point and laugh.
RG Oh! I was gonna ask you, is it true he's leaving Friday?

--- silence ---

RG (laughing) Robinson Crusoe.
SM Nice one, high five Rick. Oh he got you the right one there. I dunno what that means, but he did.
RG Anyway.
SM Um, we were talking about Children In Need Rick, (RG Oh yeah, yeah) and um... Karl what's wrong with you?
RG He's just got it, he's just got it, go on. Yeah.
SM Talking about Children In Need earlier, and er, as I say, I'm not a fan of it; this was a couple of years ago, I was working um... And we had to drive up to er... To Blackpool.
RG Oh yeah.
SM And so, it was Comic Relief night, it was a Friday night, and we were listening to all the different kinda BBC radio stations 'cause they all cover Comic Relief, they all sort of link up as one big thing (RG Yeah) and er... I think this was maybe like sort of, I dunno, BBC Sollyhull or something, and er... They've always got like, they've got this one guy in the studio doing all the DJing, and um there's some bloke who's sort of outside the BBC with some kids and whatever else, and doing a kind of live linkup. The guy outside was Steve Baxter, I forget the name of the DJ inside---
RG I love the fact that you remember the man's name.
SM Well it's important because, er, we were listening and the guy in the studio he's there and he's chatting away, going "Got a signed picture here of er, The Spice Girls, all the girls have signed that, and so the highest bidder gets to win that, and you'll have that, and er... Um... I seem to have run out of words."
RG (laughs)
SM He just said, "I seem to have run out of words." And we were like listening like... Ok... And he just went, "I seem to have run out of words... I wonder if Steve Baxter's got any for me.
RG (laughs again)
SM And Steve Baxter's just outside like obviously not, not ready, just going...
RG Didn't have any words either? Well who's got all the words then?
SM (laughing) It was wordless! RG I don't believe it, he's probably used up too many words in the first hour...
SM Exactly, he's just used all the words up.
RG And he didn't want to repeat himself...
SM Exactly.
RG So he just thought that, that's it, I've...
SM It was a hiddeous blunder, so we were um... We were enjoying that, and the work of Steve Baxter, and er, we were driving along, and then, we were driving along, and we got stuck in this jam on the way up to Blackpool, and I saw this kind of white Mercedes like a couple... And I thought, that looks quite swank, y'know, and um... Swank (RG (laugh))... and I drove up, we were driving up behind it, and the number plate was something, I can't remember exactly, but I think it was something like "ORV 1"... I'm thinking, interesting, "ORV 1", y'know... So we were driving alongside; who is driving, no actually is wasn't the driver, it was, there was a guy driving it, in the front seat, asleep...
KP Green duck.
SM Keith Harris.
RG Really?
SM Keith Harris was there, Orville, as I recall, on the back seat.
RG Oh no!
SM I couldn't believe it, yeah.
RG Was he asleep, or...?
SM (laughing) I think he was asleep.
RG Just knackered.
SM I didn't see Cuddles, the crazy monkey, I suspect, I imagine he would've popped up at some point just kind of annoying the driver's hair, going crazy.
RG Yeah, you've gotta, I think Cuddles has to go in the boot.
SM He's gotta go in the boot 'cause he'll cause havoc.
RG Yeah, and he, knowing Cuddles he'd put his hands over the driver's eyes mucking around.
SM Exactly, causing all kinds of trouble.
RG But then the thing is, he doesn't understand road safety to be, to be fair.
SM (laughing) Well he's a monkey.
RG Yeah, yeah.
SM He's a monkey and he's got a lisp.
RG (laughing) Not even a real one at that. The thing is, what worries me about, um, Orville, is that that argument raged for years between him and Harris, and Orville's right; he can't fly.
SM He can't fly, yeah.
RG So, I'm worried that Harris will lull him into a false sense of security, (SM "But you can fly!") yeah, and then when Harris is out, Orville'll climb onto a chair, onto a windowsill, basically think he can fly and just plummet... (SM Yeah...) to his death.
SM Just a quick point about Orville... I'm surprised he's still not potty trained.
RG (laughs)
SM 'Cause he's been wearing that nappy of his for years!
RG I know!
SM He can talk, he's mastered the power of speech... (RG Yeah, yeah) Still crapping everywhere I assume.
RG I assume so...
SM Flying around, terrible mess.
RG Yeah, and has... Definately no... Hasn't... He's a duck so he hasn't got a cock.
SM He has not got a penis.
RG Penis, sorry. That was a mistake, there I did say cock meaning...
SM Did you mean penis there?
RG Yeah...
SM You shouldn't've said that Rick.
RG I'm really sorry.
SM You should've pretended you meant bird.
RG Oh... I'm really sorry... Put your, put your fingers in your mouth like this Karl, right, pull it apart, like that...(muffled) Like that... Now just say "bucket and spade".
SM No, with your fingers in your mouth.
RG No, pull your fingers like that and jut say "bucket and spade".
KP (muffled) Bucket and spade.
SM/RG No...
RG Don't do that...
SM Keep your fingers in your mouth when you say it.
KP (muffled) Fuckit.
RG Oh, Karl, play a record!
SM Oh that's outrageous Karl!

Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled.

Steve The Geek

RG Smashing Pumpkins - Untitled on XFM 104.9, I just gotta tell you something Steve, remember, erm, er, at my birthday party, er, my girlfriend had bought me one of those, um, er, arcade games you put money in in a pub.
SM Oh it's a quiz machine though isn't it.
RG Quiz machine, yeah, touch the screen right... And we were all playing, but Steve, with his general film knowledge... People were getting like 100,000 points and getting through right, Steve got something like 8 million.
SM Right listen, I got the top score on a movie trivia quiz game, right, who's the geek now?
RG (laughs)
SM Alright Karl? Hello!
RG No but it was impossible, and I tried it, and for like months I thought, I just thought I've just gotta knock him off the top... And I did it with all the other catagories, and I was best at Rock, I was best at Rock, let's say that, but by no means as, y'know... The gap between right... A friend of mine and a friend of yours, Johnny Candon, the lovely Irish comedian came round last night, (SM Yeah) had a couple of goes; he got something like 30 million.
SM That's mental. That's madness.
RG Yeah. In fact, he's... You're right, 'cause um, Johnny bought this comic right, he loves Doctor Who, and he bought this comic, and Steve, he left it there, and Steve go a post-it note and on every page wrote "GEEK". Johnny gets it home, reads this, reading it on the tube, and there's "GEEK" written everywhere, on every page. That's the sort of vicious man Steve is. He can hand it out, d'you know what I mean? Imagine him calling you a geek, what could that, what must that feel like, to be called a geek by Steve Merchant? What do you think Karl?
KP Every week he has a go at me anyway.
RG Yeah.
SM What're you talking about I haven't had a go at you! You're having a go at me every week!
KP You have, for the last... 3 weeks...
SM What?
KP You've been having a go at me.
SM I have not had a go at you, you've always had a go at me!
KP No, you've always said to me, "What do I look like?", and what do you expect me to do, lie?
RG Ooooh he's done you again Steve!
KP No I'm not getting into this...
RG He's done you again!
KP A young lad called up before and said "Oh, have a go at Steve again and his looks," and it's not like a game, I'm not like, coming in here every week and wanting to make you look... Y'know, come across as an ugly bloke... I don't need to do that...
RG He's done you again! He's done you up.
SM What... I can't... Is this 'cause of the gaylord stuff?
KP No, it's just...
SM That you're having a go at me?
KP It's just that you, you had a go at me before I started with you...
SM I didn't have a go at you at all I was talking to Ricky! I haven't had a word, haven't spoken a word to you!
KP It's in your eyes... SM Is this why you're in an ugly mood, a bad mood a generally grim mood? Is it 'cause, like, you just think I'm gonna have a go at you?
KP I dunno what it is, when I get here you're alright, and then soon as you come in here you change.
SM I don't... Haven't done anything! What're you talking about, you're paranoid! I haven't said anything mate! (RG I'm keeping out of it...) I've drawn a little picture of you here but I'm not...
RG I tell you what, what we need now is a song for the lovers. I tell you now, this has been one of my favourite songs for about 20 years, it's by David Bowie; now David Bowie's had his phases, and I liked his glam stuff, and, y'know, Tin Machine, went off, and y'know, he... He's always sort of... There, on and off right, but this song is off Space Oddity, it's called Letter To Hermione, and I don't know why he stopped writing songs like this, 'cause this is probably one of the most beautiful songs... Ever recorded, and I know Steve agrees with me on this.
SM I do indeed, Rick, can I just kiss and make up with Karl?
RG No, that is...
SM No lemme just, lemme just give him a kiss.
KP Yeah but it doesn't... Next... Then next week you'll be the same again!
SM What're you talking about?
KP It doesn't mean anything!
SM Let's kiss on the lips.
KP Like saying sorry.
RG Oh...
SM Kiss on the lips?
RG Go on, look he's, look...
SM (distant) Karl... Karl...!
KP (struggling, distant) Get... Off... Me...!
RG (laughs) I have never... Karl has gone a absolute shade of purple straining not to have Merchant's...
KP There's no point, Steve.
RG No...
KP There's no point.
RG No just shake, just shake and make up.
SM (laughing) Shake what Rick?
RG There ya go, all friends, sit down. This, that's lovely, that's a lovely moment. Er, it's XFM 104.9, and this is Letter To Hermione by David Bowie, it's beautiful.

Song: David Bowie - Letter To Hermione.

Karl the Poet

RG Letter To Hermione by David Bowie. Well, after that I think he wrote The Laughing Gnome.
SM I know, it's just... The thing about David Bowie, I feel the same way, it's like he's clearly a great, y'know, rock musician, great, y'know, great fun records, y'know, I saw him at Glastonbury, absolutely fantastic entertainer, but his songs have never gripped me, they've never got me at heart, y'know.
RG Except that one.
SM Except that one, (RG Yeah, yeah) that's the first one I've ever heard of his which has really got me in the gut... Amazing lyrics. Brilliant. Karl what're your thoughts?
KP S'alright.
SM Yeah... You're a poet, Karl. RG (laughs)
SM Play something else then...

Song: Radiohead - True Love Waits
Song: Blur - Coffee and TV.

Ricky Gervais Film Review - Rainman

RG Blur - Coffee and TV, good to hear that one again.
SM Yeah, it's good.
RG Before that, Radiohead - True Love Waits, well Steve, it's time for my world-famous film review.
SM People love it.
RG Yeah.
SM Yeah.
RG Yeah.
SM How, can I just ask (RG Go on) before you crack on with the film review, I notice you often do films that... People have already seen.
RG Well you see, that's what I mean, that's why I think your film review failed, because people didn't know what film you were talking about, they hadn't seen it.
SM Yes...
RG See, whereas mine, I pick ones they've seen, y'know, that...
SM Well a lot of people would say that, that the benefit of a film review, was the fact that they hadn't seen it yet so they were gonna make up their mind based on that.
RG I dunno, I dunno who'd say that.
KP I prefer Ricky's.
SM Ok.
RG See?
SM Alright Karl, see there you are again, being nasty to me---
RG NO, he's got a choice!
SM Alright anyway, so my point is that, how would you hope people would use your reviews?
RG Whatever they, however they want, really.
SM Ok...
RG So...
SM Would you hope that they'd maybe seen the film but they hadn't yet made up their mind?
RG Whether they liked it or not?
SM Whether they liked it or not.
RG Well this is up, again, this is up to them, this is, y'know, this is for everyone; it's easy...
SM So if someone say had seen, 'cause I think, was it, you did er, one of your most famous ones I think was er, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.
RG Yeah.
SM Now that came out I think in 1975, so maybe some people saw it in 1975, haven't yet made up their mind as to what they thought of the film...
RG Yeah, now this is, this'll put 'em straight in what to look for next time maybe. Um, I've just, well, ok, ready? #Ricky Gervais Film Review (SM Sure)... Review.# Right? Chosen Rain Man.
SM Rain Man? Ok now this has been on TV quite a few times and it was a multiple Oscar winner.
RG Exactly!
SM Ok...
RG So... Ok. Right. Rain Man, it's got... Tom Cruise in it, and he's alright, he's normal, but he finds out he's got a brother who's a bit mad, Dustin Hoffman is doing it, right, and he's meant to be, he's all weird but he's meant to be, so it's good acting. Now, he... Oh, God... He needs to keep his brother, but they don't want him to have a brother, and... He doesn't remember a lot, but he dropped him in the bath and burned him when he was little, clumsy idiot. But then he finds out he can make a bit of money so they get the same suits, and they go "Bet 2 for good," well because he's got special powers, so he can know what the, the roulette. And he wins that, and he drops them toothpicks 'cause he knows how many there are, and he recognises the waitress he saw through the book. He's got all his football cards, don't put them out of order, don't go in the telephone box with him he smells, and get him back in time for Jeopardy or watch it. Anyway, then he'll slap his head and get worried, Quantas don't crash, so he's got a... All that, and in the end he doesn't, I don't think, but they'll... At least they've met eachother.
SM Yeah, yeah. Course, Rain Man, a film about autism, which is strangely appropriate, I think, when you're reviewing it.
RG Anyway...
SM What would you give it out of er, 10?
RG Oh a 9.
SM Ok. Thanks very much for that. Useful? Yeah? Have you seen the film before?
KP No, but I, I will now.
SM Ok, jolly good, well excellent.

Song: New Order - 60 Miles an Hour

Under The Covers

RG New Order - 60 Miles an Hour on XFM 104.9. Well about quater of an hour to go.
SM Yup.
RG Still got your song for the ladies.
SM Song for the ladies, coming up. Time now though, Rick, for Under the Covers! You've Got Me Covered! Cover Me Bad! (RG (laugh)) Um, which is when we play a cover version (RG Yeah) of er, a well known hit.
RG Just see the sort of effort that goes into this show.
SM There's a lot of work.
RG We've learned something, we've learned the only bird with a, um, a penis is the swan; we've had an interesting anecdote where he saw Orville.
SM (laughing) I saw Orville; Keith Harris and Orville.
RG We've had a film review, Rain Man.
SM Informative.
RG Award-winning, an award-winning film I reviewed today.
SM (laughing) Yeah, yes.
RG So...
SM That was an Oscar-winner, Karl.
RG Ants, there's been things about ants.
SM Ants never sleep.
RG Yeah.
SM If you missed the beginning you won't know that fact.
RG We've had various songs, (SM Music) and that.
SM Beautiful.
RG So... Carry on Steve.
SM Cover Me Up. Erm, The White Stripes, everyone's raving about them Rick, (RG Sure) er, they are an exciting band, and this is their cover of the Dolly Parton classic, Jolene.
RG Love it already.

Song: The White Stripes - Jolene.

Karl and the Lyrics

SM White Stripes, and their version of Jolene. What did you make of it Rick?
RG Loved it. Loved it. I wanna ask Karl a question though. 'Cause Karl, sometimes in awe of this new-fangled world we live in... What, er, what do of the scenario, what do you think's going on there, 'cause it's a bloke singing to a woman begging her not to take his man. What, what do you think's going on there?
KP Say again?
RG Well, that's a bloke there, singing, innit.
KP Yeah, to his, to his er... To his wife, Jolene.
RG (laughs)
SM Right, were you listening to the lyrics, or...?
KP Y'see, I, I got mixed up there, I thought it was about that, that one about the person who chucked themself off a bridge. So I was thinking more about that than listening to that one.
RG Right, listen.
KP Well go on.
RG Right; "Jolene Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Your flaming locks of aubern hair, even though you can, don't, he's all I've got, you're a beautiful woman, don't take my man, 'cause I can't compete with you." Right?
KP Yep.
RG What do you think's going on there though, 'cause y'know it's Dolly Parton singing it, we know what's going on, they're fighting over the same man aren't we?
KP Yeah.
RG What do you think's going on when a bloke's singing it to Jolene, what do you think of the scenario there?
KP It's one of them names innit, that could be a bloke's name, it's like Leslie.
RG (under breath) Oh Christ... Ok sorry, it was a...
SM I don't, I wish you'd not asked him that question, (RG (laugh)) so exhausting.
RG (laughing) I love him. I love Karl.
SM Do ants sleep Karl?
RG (laughs)
SM Which, which bird's got a cock?
KP Swan.
SM The swan, ok, nice one. Listen, I wanna play that song for various people who've emailed and phoned in saying they want requests, we don't really play requests on the show; we like to mention them anyway, er, Matt Bar, Magicthighs... Er... That's not Matt Bar's Magicthighs, that's Matt Bar and Magicthighs. Kieran in Dublin, Stewart in Hackney, Lisa and Alison in Crouchend, and Glen in Crystal Palace who was phoning up with a nice message earlier, all of you thanks for listening, and er, thanks for enjoying it, sorry we didn't play your requests but er, tune in next time, it'll be fun. Um, anyway, that's just all I wanted to say really.
KP It's... It is tragic.
SM What's tragic?
KP What, what did you want me to say about that song?
RG Just your opinion, your own opinion is fine, in fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for. Without doubt; whenever I ask you a question...
SM You constantly surprise us, Karl.
RG Yeah. You're... It's... It's wonderful so only ever, carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind, and I think this could become a great---
SM You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era and has been reawoken, and is kinda discovering the world; some things make sense, other things don't, it's beautiful.
RG Yeah, as opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.
SM Oh that's just...
RG Ahh, I've joined it with Karl...
SM I can't believe it Rick, (RG I'm sorry) I thought you were on my side.
RG Yeah, no, it was irresistable though wasn't it? I'm really sorry. Shall we play a record?

Song: Unknown.

Cums With a Smile

RG Right, I'm afraid that is about it from us.
SM Absolutely, um, I always leave the ladies with a song Rick, as you know, and the song for the ladies this week, again it comes from the free giveaway CD that comes with this excellent little magasine called "Comes With a Smile." And er, there's always something interesting and I played---
RG How're you spelling that?
SM Heh, I've played er The Mull Historical Society before, this is a track, it says it's just a demo, which is, I dunno why, if they haven't been picked up, it's outrageous. They're called Sloan and this is called Pretty Together, see you next time.
RG Goodbye!