07 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Everyone's Got An Idea In Their Head

Song Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Ricky: Well, I know that must be some peoples' favourite record, Steve.

Steve: Certainly one of mine.

Ricky: Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen

Steve: I don't want a bad word said against the Boss.

Ricky: No.

Steve: People dismissed him in the past as some kind of stadium rocker, but if you can't listen to a song like that and not be moved, surely, Karl?

Karl: It's alright, yeah

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: A passionate man.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: What?

Ricky: So, Karl.

Steve: No,no. It's alright.

Ricky: So..?

Karl: It's certain songs I like, that was--that was alright.

Ricky: Yeah..

Karl: If it wasn't Bruce Springsteen, if someone new came out sounding like that, I'd go: Yes, it's alright.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: You're a regular Simon Cowell, aren't you?

Steve laughs

Karl: I--I don't know if I like music as much as I used to now. That's what happens when you work in it. There was-Dani Minogue's on tour in the week-

Ricky: Is it like when you work in a sweet factory, and you don't--don't nick the Mars bars after a couple of months?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Dani Minogue was in the telly in the week, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ..and..she was doing a medley.

Ricky: Yep

Karl: Why do people do them?

Ricky: Well, to try and get in all the hits. I know-I know what you mean, yeah.

Karl: But who is so busy that they haven't got time to listen to the full album, or..

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It's like a Meal in pill form.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, I like most of Dani Minogue's hits, but I don't like the whole song.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So if you would just pop the best bits down, 30 seconds, put all together..

Steve: I've got a-uh-Stars on forty-five record, from the seventies. Do you remember those?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (singing)Stars on forty-five! But it started like you say, I mean, this one had a kind of..It would be a snap to Stevie Wonder, followed by the M.A.S.H. theme, followed by Leyla, just the intro.It's sort of-it's not music

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we do a bit of that, don't we. Is what DJ-ing is, isn't it. It's a bit of everything. But we play the whole song, don't we often?

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: We're better, aren't we, Karl? So what do you want to talk about today?

Karl: Uh---wanna look at the list?

Ricky: Well, it's got a described look. It's our list we've brought. This is our very amusing, sort of, link. Of how described the look

Steve: I don't remember this.

Karl: No, I was just thinking like, you know, everyone's got an idea in their head?

Steve and Ricky: Well...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Careful, Karl. Don't open yourself up to criticism. Go on, yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean, everyone's got an idea of-what they look like an' stuff. Uhm-if someone wanted to know what I look like, or what Ricky look like, or what you look like, Steve

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhm-what would you use to describe yourself. D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Words.

Steve: Not really, I don't understand. What would-

Karl: Well, like-uh-

Ricky: Someone who doesn't know us, we've gotta describe, and we- what's the gain to hopefully get some, sort of, interpersonal language going. So, you know they've got the same image as you. To a certain extent.

Karl: Well, I was thinking if I was to meet Steve in a restaurant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, I-I-

Steve: Nothing untoward going on, we're just hanging out.

Karl: No, just having a chat. A night out.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah

Karl: Uhm--

Steve: Who's paying? Cause I mean, is it expensive?

Ricky: Go Dutch. Go Dutch. I mean..

Karl: Right. So, I say to you I'll see you at eight, right, in this restaurant.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I turn up at the door, it's a bit of a posh place.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Uhm.Is Steve Merchant in?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the waiter sort of goes:(with accent) I don't know, what's he look like, right?

Steve: Yeah...where's he from?

Karl: And--he's a little French fella.

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Karl: And--(without accent) What's he look like?. The thing I pick up on first: He's tall. Tall lad.

Steve: Tall, yeah.

Karl: And then he goes,(with accent) oh,you know, we got loads of tall people in, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I go: Big eyes?

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Big eyes?

Karl: And then he'd go:Yeah, he's over there.

Ricky laughing louder

Steve: I'll be honest with you. I mean, you can have dinner, you can buy me dinner, but I'm not sure you're getting anywhere with me. You're slagging me off.

Karl: No, no! I'm not slagging you off, though. That's what I'm saying.

Steve and Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just using-using what comes to mind.

Ricky: And could I-

Steve: Tall and big eyes.

Ricky: ..can I assume that they know, like, could I say, like, the easiest for more I'd say-uhm- looks like Reg Varney for On the buses. Would they understand that, could I use, sort of, like, crepances.

Karl: Yeah, it's thirty-odd this waiter, so he'll-

Ricky: So,(with accent) Yes, Reg Varney is zitting over there, yeah. Went to German towards the end.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Huh! I'd describe you more, I think, as..I would imagine--I'd say--have you ever seen that Johnny Vegas on the telly?

Ricky: (laughing)Yeah.

Steve: Imagine he was inflateable, and you just let out a bit of air...

Ricky: Well, at least..

Steve: ..that's what Ricky would look like.

Ricky: As opposed to like, you know, pumping harder.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Uhm, Okay. Uhm, what describes--Karl I'll describe as--you would those red monkeys that you seen on wildlife programmes. They're little, in the trees and scream when they see a leopard or something.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Shave that. Just shave one of those little red monkeys. And put some, sort of, uhm--you know--old sort of Manchester gear on it, maybe.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: (enthusiastically) Yeah, yeah!

Ricky: An anorak and some baggy jeans...

Steve: I'd like to see the way he'd react to that!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He's got a picture of a monkey. Then he's got a picture of a shaved--got no hair, dressed like some kind of Manc scally.

Ricky: Then goes: He's over there.Yeah, he's over there, Karl's over there. That's what I'd do.

Karl: Brilliant.

Ricky: So,uhm--now coming up: The Verve, after that: An amusing link about gay handkerchieves!

Steve: Huh, really? Looking forward to this.

Song: The Verve - Lucky Man

Sleight of Hand Linguistically

Steve: I didn't really appreciated The Stones when I was younger, I was always a Beatles fan, but now I can't really listen to the Beatles..

Ricky: No..

Steve: ..it's like I've used them up.

Ricky: It's about five tracks I like.

Steve: Yea, but The Stones just get better and better

Ricky: And now it's brilliant. The video's so good

Steve: Ah, amazing.1981.That was 'Waiting on a friend. With the Rolling Stones.

Ricky: (softly) Alright

Steve: What we got?We got more fun coming up, I imagine

Ricky: Yeah. Cheeky Freak of the Week: An amusing story about inflatable testicles

Steve: We've already given you half an hour talking about gay people.Who knows what else will be coming up.

Ricky: Yeah, big market

XFM-jingle

Ricky: Out of time by Blur. On XFM 104.9. Alright, Karl? What are you thinking?

Karl: Thinking..about stuff

Steve howls

Ricky: You're an enigma, aren't you?

Karl: (very weakly) Yep

Steve: I would just say hello...We've got an American listener, apparently. Karen...anyway.

Steve and Ricky laughing

Steve: Think that'll might fill up four seconds

Ricky: We're not struggling, are we? I mean..

Steve: No,no!Well, just consult the list of Dr. Fox-esque amusing (unclear word))

Ricky: Wife, wet ones, screwball, shop train, cheeky freak, Ronan..What's that?

Steve: What's Ronan?

Karl: Ronan. I just was, uh, telling you the other day about,you know, that song that he does. Uh(singing)Loving every day as if it's your last one

Steve: Right

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I was just thinking was he saying that as if like; oh, have a good day? But I reckon if he knew it was your last day I don't think you'd been in the mood to do anything

Ricky laughing

Steve howling

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: But why

Ricky: ...that's true. I think the point is live everyday like it's your last.Imagine if every day was your last: Let's go mental. And the good thing is:We got tomorrow.So he's got the best of both worlds. That's what Ronan's saying. He's saying: Cram it in.It might be your last. It's more like...It's the not knowing. Live every day...See.I'd been ob..happy..if,if I never knew..(Karl interrupts)) when I was gonna die.

Karl: Yea

Ricky: ..and I was definantly die in my sleep. What a brilliant life you'd have. D'ya know what I mean?

Karl: What, so you don't get any illness, but one night you go to bed..?

Ricky: I know that if you know you were gonna die in your sleep, and never knew when you were gonna die. Didn't matter if it's tomorrow or thirty years time. It wouldn't matter, would it?

Karl: (absentminded)Yeah..

Ricky: I've lost you, haven't I? I've lost you somewhere. I can't, I can't work out..see..I thought it was pretty easy all that.I said:Die in your sleep, and not know when you died. There were no high concepts there. No sleight of hand linguistically. Where did I lose you?

Steve: I think you lost him on sleight of hand linguistically

Ricky bursts into laughter

Steve: You've lost him again

Karl: I think that's the way I wanna go.I don't wanna know about it. That's why I don't go the doctor's or anything

Steve howls

Steve: That's a good approach

Ricky: Brilliant.Any, eh, do you remember him saying: He's gonna die of cancer, cause he doesn't check his balls, he doesn't like the feel.

Steve: Of course

Ricky: What do they feel like, your balls?

Karl: Like a wet shammy leather

Ricky bursts

Ricky: With two marbles..two kumquats in a shammy leather

Karl: No, but...I just

Ricky: Why are they wet?Sweaty?

Karl: No, they're not. I'm saying just smooth

Ricky: Are they smooth?

Karl: Yeah, cause shammy leather's smooth.

Ricky: Do you shave'em?

Karl: No, I don't

Uninteligible

Ricky: In case a fireman pops round when you're undressed, it looks like your head. Fireman pops around, there you are, and he goes: Oh, nice smooth..

Steve: So you never go to the doctor's?

Karl: I don't like it

Steve: Even if you found some bubos under your arm or something

Karl: I'd wait for a bit and I'd say to Suzanne: What do you think?

Steve: To see if it develops into plague

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Well, yeah. Cause you know, don't you

Ricky: Old bandages around your head, and a bell.Suzanne, can you get me a bell?

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: Brilliant

Karl: I don't..

Ricky: There was this kid at our school, we took the piss out of for the, basically, rest of the time there. It was when we were about eleven, someone say: How would you wanna die?Right...drowning, fire all that. He said I wanna of old age in my mother's arms.

Steve laughs loudly

Ricky laughs

Steve: How old was he?

Ricky: About eleven

Steve: Loser!

Ricky continues laughter

Steve: In my mother's arms?What, and get off with her?

Ricky: No, die of old age, how old was she? Brilliant, the age of my nan

Steve: Yeah, all in the same bed

Ricky: Oh. Oh,dear.

Steve: So, if you..if it was the last day, you've got one day to life. What would you do with your day?Now, let's assume that, uhm, you're not in a state of ill health

Karl: There's not that much you can do, though

Steve: It's just the end of the world, and you've..

Ricky interrupts

Ricky: What do you mean it's not much you could do? It's what we're asking you

Steve: It's the last day in your life

Ricky: It depends, doesn't it. If we're all in the same boat, if someone says: Oh, unlucky, uh-without bitterness. We've accidentaly exposed you to some radiation poisoning and you've got a day. Or, if there's like, meteor coming this way, we're all in the same boat, I think it would be different. It depends whether it's you or the rest of the world. No?

Steve: I'd do the same thing. I'd steal a car and go joy-riding. Like go mental smashing stuff, I'd be knocking people over for a laugh. I'd be crazy, it'd be like Grand Theft Auto.

Ricky: Right, ok. Brilliant

Steve: It'd be extraordinary. Driving through a park

Ricky: Driving? the get-away. I'm trying to play it seriously and within about ten minutes I would just go round areas (..) people over

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...I-I don't think I would do that much.Seriously. You couldn't watch telly, cause you might not know how the thing ends.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sure.Yeah.Be a waste of time

Ricky: You could watch 24, couldn't you? The whole day.

Steve and Karl: Yep

Ricky: On DVD

Karl: Do that then, do that

Laughing

Ricky: Do that, yeah?

Steve: Wha- But let's be honest. Let's say, you know, you could take all your money out of your bank account. You could fly anywhere in the world, you could do whatever you want.

Ricky: Well, not a long flight. You couldn't..

Steve: Well, no.

Ricky: Australia, you wouldn't make it, would you

Steve: No..

Ricky: Why do you- what- why wouldn't you go to the monkey sanctuary down in Cornwall, and just roam round cuddling as many monkeys as you can?

Karl: I'm gonna tell you something now

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I'm going down there next week

Ricky scoffs

Steve: Are you?

Karl: Yea

Ricky giggles

Karl: Taking me mum and dad away.Cause like Suzanne's mum and dad..

Steve: What? Are you donating them?

Ricky: Most people put them in a home.Well, it's-.How - monkey sanctuary cheaper?

Karl: Taking them down, yea, taking them down to Cornwall.

Ricky: Hold on. I thought you said you'd never go away with your parents again?

Karl: No, no. That was Suzanne's mum and dad.

Ricky: Oh, is this to get even or something?

Karl: So, yeah. So we'll do that, and then we'll can it, then

Ricky bursts into laughter

Ricky: That was your outing. Your phoning your both sets of parents, and you go, right: You won't be seeing us ever again on holiday. We're taking you away, we're taking you away.

Steve: Be careful that the monkey people don't buy you off your parents.

Ricky: Yeah. Make sure-make sure they don't leave any of the monkeys' food in a telephone box, cause your dad will have that away.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Oh. I was talking to them about that the other day. About the nicking in phone boxes. And he-

Steve: Should we just explain that?

Ricky: They live in a small village in Wales. And- uh- it's like one, sort of, utility store, and when it's shut they leave your shopping in the telephone box across the road. And Karl's dad found out about this, and now (..} helps himself.

Steve: Yeah. To other peoples' shopping

Ricky: That's terrible.Yea, go on.

Karl: And-uh-I was talking to him about that. Saying, you know: Have you picked up any surprises, you found in the box. And, he said no. We're talking about other stuff he used to do. One of them used to be going to this supermarket,right, in Manchester-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Needs a new pair of shoes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Go in, take a new pair off the shelves, pop them on, leave his old ones there

Ricky: Really?

Steve: And what (unclear)

Karl: Yeah. Brilliant

Ricky: Unless you go in after him and buy his old ones back, like an idiot

Steve: Yeah. You go in the next day. Hey, they look nice. My mates got a pair just like them. I've always wanted some.

Music starts playing

Steve: Incidentally, we don't advocate the stealing of shoes from shops.

Ricky: Or, the joy-riding and killing people.

Steve: Unless you got one day left

Ricky: Okey.

Karl: Or phone boxes.

Ricky laughs

Song - TBA