07 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Everyone's Got An Idea In Their Head

Song: Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Ricky: Well, I know that must be some peoples' favourite record, Steve.

Steve: Certainly one of mine.

Ricky: Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen

Steve: I don't want a bad word said against the Boss.

Ricky: No.

Steve: People dismissed him in the past as some kind of stadium rocker, but if you can't listen to a song like that and not be moved, surely, Karl?

Karl: It's alright, yeah

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: A passionate man.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: What?

Ricky: So, Karl.

Steve: No,no. It's alright.

Ricky: So..?

Karl: It's certain songs I like, that was--that was alright.

Ricky: Yeah..

Karl: If it wasn't Bruce Springsteen, if someone new came out sounding like that, I'd go: Yes, it's alright.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: You're a regular Simon Cowell, aren't you?

Steve laughs

Karl: I--I don't know if I like music as much as I used to now. That's what happens when you work in it. There was-Dani Minogue's on tour in the week-

Ricky: Is it like when you work in a sweet factory, and you don't--don't nick the Mars bars after a couple of months?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Dani Minogue was in the telly in the week, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ..and..she was doing a medley.

Ricky: Yep

Karl: Why do people do them?

Ricky: Well, to try and get in all the hits. I know-I know what you mean, yeah.

Karl: But who is so busy that they haven't got time to listen to the full album, or..

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It's like a Meal in pill form.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, I like most of Dani Minogue's hits, but I don't like the whole song.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So if you would just pop the best bits down, 30 seconds, put all together..

Steve: I've got a-uh-Stars on forty-five record, from the seventies. Do you remember those?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (singing)Stars on forty-five! But it started like you say, I mean, this one had a kind of..It would be a snap to Stevie Wonder, followed by the M.A.S.H. theme, followed by Leyla, just the intro.It's sort of-it's not music

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we do a bit of that, don't we. Is what DJ-ing is, isn't it. It's a bit of everything. But we play the whole song, don't we often?

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: We're better, aren't we, Karl? So what do you want to talk about today?

Karl: Uh---wanna look at the list?

Ricky: Well, it's got a described look. It's our list we've brought. This is our very amusing, sort of, link. Of how described the look

Steve: I don't remember this.

Karl: No, I was just thinking like, you know, everyone's got an idea in their head?

Steve and Ricky: Well...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Careful, Karl. Don't open yourself up to criticism. Go on, yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean, everyone's got an idea of-what they look like an' stuff. Uhm-if someone wanted to know what I look like, or what Ricky look like, or what you look like, Steve

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhm-what would you use to describe yourself. D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Words.

Steve: Not really, I don't understand. What would-

Karl: Well, like-uh-

Ricky: Someone who doesn't know us, we've gotta describe, and we- what's the gain to hopefully get some, sort of, interpersonal language going. So, you know they've got the same image as you. To a certain extent.

Karl: Well, I was thinking if I was to meet Steve in a restaurant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, I-I-

Steve: Nothing untoward going on, we're just hanging out.

Karl: No, just having a chat. A night out.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah

Karl: Uhm--

Steve: Who's paying? Cause I mean, is it expensive?

Ricky: Go Dutch. Go Dutch. I mean..

Karl: Right. So, I say to you I'll see you at eight, right, in this restaurant.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I turn up at the door, it's a bit of a posh place.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Uhm.Is Steve Merchant in?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the waiter sort of goes:(with accent) I don't know, what's he look like, right?

Steve: Yeah...where's he from?

Karl: And--he's a little French fella.

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Karl: And--(without accent) What's he look like?. The thing I pick up on first: He's tall. Tall lad.

Steve: Tall, yeah.

Karl: And then he goes,(with accent) oh,you know, we got loads of tall people in, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I go: Big eyes?

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Big eyes?

Karl: And then he'd go:Yeah, he's over there.

Ricky laughing louder

Steve: I'll be honest with you. I mean, you can have dinner, you can buy me dinner, but I'm not sure you're getting anywhere with me. You're slagging me off.

Karl: No, no! I'm not slagging you off, though. That's what I'm saying.

Steve and Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Just using-using what comes to mind.

Ricky: And could I-

Steve: Tall and big eyes.

Ricky: ..can I assume that they know, like, could I say, like, the easiest for more I'd say-uhm- looks like Reg Varney for On the buses. Would they understand that, could I use, sort of, like, crepances.

Karl: Yeah, it's thirty-odd this waiter, so he'll-

Ricky: So,(with accent) Yes, Reg Varney is zitting over there, yeah. Went to German towards the end.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Huh! I'd describe you more, I think, as..I would imagine--I'd say--have you ever seen that Johnny Vegas on the telly?

Ricky: (laughing)Yeah.

Steve: Imagine he was inflateable, and you just let out a bit of air...

Ricky: Well, at least..

Steve: ..that's what Ricky would look like.

Ricky: As opposed to like, you know, pumping harder.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Uhm, Okay. Uhm, what describes--Karl I'll describe as--you would those red monkeys that you seen on wildlife programmes. They're little, in the trees and scream when they see a leopard or something.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Shave that. Just shave one of those little red monkeys. And put some, sort of, uhm--you know--old sort of Manchester gear on it, maybe.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'ya know what I mean?

Steve: (enthusiastically) Yeah, yeah!

Ricky: An anorak and some baggy jeans...

Steve: I'd like to see the way he'd react to that!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He's got a picture of a monkey. Then he's got a picture of a shaved--got no hair, dressed like some kind of Manc scally.

Ricky: Then goes: He's over there.Yeah, he's over there, Karl's over there. That's what I'd do.

Karl: Brilliant.

Ricky: So,uhm--now coming up: The Verve, after that: An amusing link about gay handkerchiefs!

Steve: Huh, really? Looking forward to this.

Song: The Verve - Lucky Man

Apparently Bruce Is An Armpit Freak

Ricky: Lucky Man by The Verve on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl? What's the problem with gay hankies?

Karl: (long pause) You were-- we played Bruce Springsteen last week, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you said he'd got a--uhm-- lot of trouble on his hands. He had-uhm-had a hanky in his back pocket.

Ricky: Did i say that on air, or-

Steve: There is a saying that famously on the cover of Born to run-uhm-Born in the USA album, it's just him, isn't it, with a--uhm--his backside and a red handkerchief-

Ricky: I wasn't looking, I just...

Steve: (slight laugh) I did it for research purposes--

Ricky sniggers

Steve: --for this amazing link.

Ricky: (laughter increasing)God,yeah.

Steve: He,he.So, he had a red handkerchief, I think in his right back pocket. Apparently that signifies homosexuality, apparently, I don't know.

Ricky: Ah, I thought it was which way you...take--I don't know, though. Those myths, I--

Steve: I don't even know, I dunno if there's--

Karl: No, I read up about it.

Steve: Okay?

Karl: Aight?

Ricky: Just research.

Karl: --and it's all sorta, you know, it's all different coloured hankies.

Ricky: Are they?

Karl: Yeah. Right, it depends what pocket you put it in--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --as well, you got different colours, different pockets

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --and--

Ricky: Sorry, how many variations are there, different pockets are what? What's it --

Karl: Your back pocket, your right back pocket--

Ricky: What do they mean?

Karl: What d'ya mean?

Ricky: Well, what do they signify? You can't just tell us they signify summit. What do they signify?

Karl: Well, some stuff we don't really wanna talk about, to be honest

Ricky: (impatiently)What?

Karl: Wha-- stuff that gays are into.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Right! What sort-

Karl: That sorta--

Ricky: What sort d'ya mean?

Steve: Barbra Streisand records?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Eurovision?

Karl: No, like...a couple of things that were there I know we can mention. It said something about-

Steve: But-

Ricky: I love that he thinks he can't mention-

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: -I love it!

Steve: Yeah..

Ricky: Do you see? What is this? 1956?

Karl: No, no. But I mean, it isn't just having it away, sorta-

Ricky: (exclaiming laughingly )Why I love him! 'aving it away!

Karl: They get up to some weird stuff

Ricky bursts

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that he didn't wanna offend, but he's offended a lot more people--

Steve: Yeah,yeah

Ricky: --by saying they--

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: --get up to some weird stuff. Right!

Steve: In your opinion.

Ricky: Yeah! What d'ya mean. No--but--don't--don't--if--i-it's research about summit I don't know about--it's like you can't say on the radio--

Karl: Yeah, I-I'd rather not.

Ricky: But what d'ya mean, weird stuff?

Karl: Well, one of them, right? If you got a red 'anky, right?

Ricky: (sniggering)Yeah.

Karl: In your right pocket--

Steve: Like Bruce. That's exactly what Bruce had.

Karl: Well, apparently then is an armpit freak.

Ricky sniggering

Steve: (surprised)An armpit freak?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Really??

Ricky: No.No.Karl--

Steve: But that's very specific!

Ricky: Karl--

Karl: Seriously.

Ricky: Wo--Wha--Okay.Right,okay. What else it there then?

Steve: Sorry, is there some kind of homosexual body that sat down and came up with this at some point. Well, so we got, this is getting crazy, we got, like, a blue handkerchief in your top breast pocket, I don't know what that means. You need to sit down at so kind of summit, figure out what it means.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I-it just that, you might not be free from it either, so if you were to got into, like, a--a gay bar--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --which you know, you might to if you're straight anyway, cause they're, you know, good places, I think?

Steve: Uh-mm.

Ricky snickering

Karl: Uhm--You can't actually go in there if you've got a cold, because every coloured hanky represents something.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So if I was to go in, had a bit of a sniffle, I could get into all sorts of trouble.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What? Mark's and Spencer's white linen hanky, that means--you like to be tied up and whipped.

Karl: Yeah. There was another one--uhm--armpit freak we've covered

Ricky snickers

Steve: Yeah, armpit freak is done.

Ricky: (laughing)..we've covered!

Steve: Armpit freak! I don't even know what that means!

Ricky: No.Right,okay. Yeah.

Karl: There's just another thing, a blue and white one is if you're into sailors.

Steve: To sailors?

Karl: Yeah. If you have a little blue and white hanky that's in your left pocket--

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: --uhm--blue and white equals sailor. That's ho-

Ricky: I wanted to ask you something. You know--and we gotta be careful here--you know when you wouldn't leave the building that was on fire, because --uhm--uh--you...were--you were standing proud.

Steve: Hang on.We need-- some people don't know what you're talking about.You--Karl, you're on holiday--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: On holiday in Tenerife, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've had a moment of intimacy with your girlfriend.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: A knock on the door, you had to stop and get up. You peeked around the door, it was a fireman saying: Get out! But you didn't want to leave, because you 'ad a-- yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: It was a little--Yeah?--but. Why--I--what I don't understand is you maintained that while looking at a Spanish man dressed as a fireman.

Steve: (laughing)Yeah.

Ricky: Is that true? Is that the fact? You maintained--I'm sorry to say--you maintained a--uhm--you know--arousal whilst looking at a gentleman dressed as a fireman?

Karl: Yeah, but--

Ricky: (intensely)Is that--these are the facts, they aren't disputed.What-

Karl: But I'm not a machine, though. D'ya what I mean.(snapping fingers) I can't turn it on, turn it off.Right?

Ricky: I-I-I was just thought you--talking to a fireman, you'd have probably lost it, I dunno, but tou didn't

Karl: No, but the thing--

Ricky: You--

Karl: --was, I mean, I was talking to Suzanne about it again,right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: She was: What are you talking about that for?, right?

Ricky laughing

Karl: Oh, it cropped up, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the dilemma was I wanted to make sure, cause that was the last proper condom we had, right?

Ricky: Oh, God.

Karl: So it would have ruined the night, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I was--I didn't wanna like--it was like: What's going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is it .. do we need to get out?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Was it a proper fire?

Ricky: Yeah? And you --but-- talking--

Karl: So--

Ricky: --to this man in uniform, what did he look like. Was he quiet--was he good looking?

Steve: Did he look like Ricky Martin?

Ricky: Was he good looking? In his uniform.

Karl: I can't remember.Can't remember.

Steve: Did he have moustache?

Ricky sniggering.

Ricky: Play a record, don't we? Is this bringing it back?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You look uncomfortable. Wh-what?

Steve: Did you just... switch on the song with your hands?

Ricky bursts into laughter. Claps his hands

Song - The Flaming Lips - The Fight Test

Sleight of Hand Linguistically

Steve: I didn't really appreciated The Stones when I was younger, I was always a Beatles fan, but now I can't really listen to the Beatles..

Ricky: No..

Steve: ..it's like I've used them up.

Ricky: It's about five tracks I like.

Steve: Yea, but The Stones just get better and better

Ricky: And now it's brilliant. The video's so good

Steve: Ah, amazing.1981.That was 'Waiting on a friend. With the Rolling Stones.

Ricky: (softly) Alright

Steve: What we got?We got more fun coming up, I imagine

Ricky: Yeah. Cheeky Freak of the Week: An amusing story about inflatable testicles

Steve: We've already given you half an hour talking about gay people.Who knows what else will be coming up.

Ricky: Yeah, big market

XFM-jingle

Ricky: Out of time by Blur. On XFM 104.9. Alright, Karl? What are you thinking?

Karl: Thinking..about stuff

Steve howls

Ricky: You're an enigma, aren't you?

Karl: (very weakly) Yep

Steve: I would just say hello...We've got an American listener, apparently. Karen...anyway.

Steve and Ricky laughing

Steve: Think that'll might fill up four seconds

Ricky: We're not struggling, are we? I mean..

Steve: No,no!Well, just consult the list of Dr. Fox-esque amusing (unclear word))

Ricky: Wife, wet ones, screwball, shop train, cheeky freak, Ronan..What's that?

Steve: What's Ronan?

Karl: Ronan. I just was, uh, telling you the other day about,you know, that song that he does. Uh(singing)Loving every day as if it's your last one

Steve: Right

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: I was just thinking was he saying that as if like; oh, have a good day? But I reckon if he knew it was your last day I don't think you'd been in the mood to do anything

Ricky laughing

Steve howling

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: But why

Ricky: ...that's true. I think the point is live everyday like it's your last.Imagine if every day was your last: Let's go mental. And the good thing is:We got tomorrow.So he's got the best of both worlds. That's what Ronan's saying. He's saying: Cram it in.It might be your last. It's more like...It's the not knowing. Live every day...See.I'd been ob..happy..if,if I never knew..(Karl interrupts)) when I was gonna die.

Karl: Yea

Ricky: ..and I was definantly die in my sleep. What a brilliant life you'd have. D'ya know what I mean?

Karl: What, so you don't get any illness, but one night you go to bed..?

Ricky: I know that if you know you were gonna die in your sleep, and never knew when you were gonna die. Didn't matter if it's tomorrow or thirty years time. It wouldn't matter, would it?

Karl: (absentminded)Yeah..

Ricky: I've lost you, haven't I? I've lost you somewhere. I can't, I can't work out..see..I thought it was pretty easy all that.I said:Die in your sleep, and not know when you died. There were no high concepts there. No sleight of hand linguistically. Where did I lose you?

Steve: I think you lost him on sleight of hand linguistically

Ricky bursts into laughter

Steve: You've lost him again

Karl: I think that's the way I wanna go.I don't wanna know about it. That's why I don't go the doctor's or anything

Steve howls

Steve: That's a good approach

Ricky: Brilliant.Any, eh, do you remember him saying: He's gonna die of cancer, cause he doesn't check his balls, he doesn't like the feel.

Steve: Of course

Ricky: What do they feel like, your balls?

Karl: Like a wet shammy leather

Ricky bursts

Ricky: With two marbles..two kumquats in a shammy leather

Karl: No, but...I just

Ricky: Why are they wet?Sweaty?

Karl: No, they're not. I'm saying just smooth

Ricky: Are they smooth?

Karl: Yeah, cause shammy leather's smooth.

Ricky: Do you shave'em?

Karl: No, I don't

Uninteligible

Ricky: In case a fireman pops round when you're undressed, it looks like your head. Fireman pops around, there you are, and he goes: Oh, nice smooth..

Steve: So you never go to the doctor's?

Karl: I don't like it

Steve: Even if you found some bubos under your arm or something

Karl: I'd wait for a bit and I'd say to Suzanne: What do you think?

Steve: To see if it develops into plague

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Well, yeah. Cause you know, don't you

Ricky: Old bandages around your head, and a bell.Suzanne, can you get me a bell?

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: Brilliant

Karl: I don't..

Ricky: There was this kid at our school, we took the piss out of for the, basically, rest of the time there. It was when we were about eleven, someone say: How would you wanna die?Right...drowning, fire all that. He said I wanna of old age in my mother's arms.

Steve laughs loudly

Ricky laughs

Steve: How old was he?

Ricky: About eleven

Steve: Loser!

Ricky continues laughter

Steve: In my mother's arms?What, and get off with her?

Ricky: No, die of old age, how old was she? Brilliant, the age of my nan

Steve: Yeah, all in the same bed

Ricky: Oh. Oh,dear.

Steve: So, if you..if it was the last day, you've got one day to life. What would you do with your day?Now, let's assume that, uhm, you're not in a state of ill health

Karl: There's not that much you can do, though

Steve: It's just the end of the world, and you've..

Ricky interrupts

Ricky: What do you mean it's not much you could do? It's what we're asking you

Steve: It's the last day in your life

Ricky: It depends, doesn't it. If we're all in the same boat, if someone says: Oh, unlucky, uh-without bitterness. We've accidentaly exposed you to some radiation poisoning and you've got a day. Or, if there's like, meteor coming this way, we're all in the same boat, I think it would be different. It depends whether it's you or the rest of the world. No?

Steve: I'd do the same thing. I'd steal a car and go joy-riding. Like go mental smashing stuff, I'd be knocking people over for a laugh. I'd be crazy, it'd be like Grand Theft Auto.

Ricky: Right, ok. Brilliant

Steve: It'd be extraordinary. Driving through a park

Ricky: Driving? the get-away. I'm trying to play it seriously and within about ten minutes I would just go round areas (..) people over

Ricky chuckles

Steve laughs

Karl: Yeah...I-I don't think I would do that much.Seriously. You couldn't watch telly, cause you might not know how the thing ends.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Sure.Yeah.Be a waste of time

Ricky: You could watch 24, couldn't you? The whole day.

Steve and Karl: Yep

Ricky: On DVD

Karl: Do that then, do that

Laughing

Ricky: Do that, yeah?

Steve: Wha- But let's be honest. Let's say, you know, you could take all your money out of your bank account. You could fly anywhere in the world, you could do whatever you want.

Ricky: Well, not a long flight. You couldn't..

Steve: Well, no.

Ricky: Australia, you wouldn't make it, would you

Steve: No..

Ricky: Why do you- what- why wouldn't you go to the monkey sanctuary down in Cornwall, and just roam round cuddling as many monkeys as you can?

Karl: I'm gonna tell you something now

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I'm going down there next week

Ricky scoffs

Steve: Are you?

Karl: Yea

Ricky giggles

Karl: Taking me mum and dad away.Cause like Suzanne's mum and dad..

Steve: What? Are you donating them?

Ricky: Most people put them in a home.Well, it's-.How - monkey sanctuary cheaper?

Karl: Taking them down, yea, taking them down to Cornwall.

Ricky: Hold on. I thought you said you'd never go away with your parents again?

Karl: No, no. That was Suzanne's mum and dad.

Ricky: Oh, is this to get even or something?

Karl: So, yeah. So we'll do that, and then we'll can it, then

Ricky bursts into laughter

Ricky: That was your outing. Your phoning your both sets of parents, and you go, right: You won't be seeing us ever again on holiday. We're taking you away, we're taking you away.

Steve: Be careful that the monkey people don't buy you off your parents.

Ricky: Yeah. Make sure-make sure they don't leave any of the monkeys' food in a telephone box, cause your dad will have that away.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Oh. I was talking to them about that the other day. About the nicking in phone boxes. And he-

Steve: Should we just explain that?

Ricky: They live in a small village in Wales. And- uh- it's like one, sort of, utility store, and when it's shut they leave your shopping in the telephone box across the road. And Karl's dad found out about this, and now (..} helps himself.

Steve: Yeah. To other peoples' shopping

Ricky: That's terrible.Yea, go on.

Karl: And-uh-I was talking to him about that. Saying, you know: Have you picked up any surprises, you found in the box. And, he said no. We're talking about other stuff he used to do. One of them used to be going to this supermarket,right, in Manchester-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Needs a new pair of shoes.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Go in, take a new pair off the shelves, pop them on, leave his old ones there

Ricky: Really?

Steve: And what (unclear)

Karl: Yeah. Brilliant

Ricky: Unless you go in after him and buy his old ones back, like an idiot

Steve: Yeah. You go in the next day. Hey, they look nice. My mates got a pair just like them. I've always wanted some.

Music starts playing

Steve: Incidentally, we don't advocate the stealing of shoes from shops.

Ricky: Or, the joy-riding and killing people.

Steve: Unless you got one day left

Ricky: Okey.

Karl: Or phone boxes.

Ricky laughs

Song - TBA