Stephen Merchant Quotes By Topic

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This a collection of opinions and quotes from Stephen Merchant listed by topic.

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Karl Pilkington

"I remember the days when Karl didn't even want to be on the air, I remember the days when he was told by the establishment that he wasn't allowed to talk on the air, and now, it's like, as far as he's concerned, he's a third member of the team!"
-Xfm series 1, 01 December 2001

"Unless you've heard him, you can never really appreciate .. but he's like a real life Homer Simpson. The things he comes out with are extraordinary." (About Karl, on This Morning 11 December 2006)

Ricky Gervais

"You are so annoying. Have you been with him trying to have lunch with Ricky? It's the hardest thing. You wander around for hours .. he has a tolerance level ... it's extraordinary. He is irritated by a car honking it's horn in the street... He gets annoyed by police sirens, by rain, wind, birds in the air, other people in the steet, children particularly .. This is the thing! You are most irritating man I've ever met, without a shadow of a doubt." (Talking to Ricky and Karl, Xfm show 09 February 2003)

"What was so bizarre was that, having never acted, the whole character of David Brent just came out, fully formed. It was extraordinary. I'd never seen anything like it." (About Ricky, on This Morning 11 December 2006)

Women

"What are girls for?! Girls are for, em, great conversation. They're for enlightening men on all those aspects of life they don't really understand. They're for balancing up the human race. They're for making jokes about in regard to driving." (Chris Evans radio show)

"What do girls want? They want to... have fun? They want to have a good time. If they're Miss World they just want to change the planet and wish there was an end to injustice. What do girls want? If I knew that Chris I wouldn't be here with two blokes! I would not be here on a Saturday afternoon if I knew what girls wanted, believe me." (Chris Evans radio show)

"I had to say 'You're all my ho's, but I can't choose between you. So I'm taking Karl'." (On taking Karl as his date to the BAFTAs in 2002; Xfm show, 20 April 02)

"I thought it was worth getting some condoms, because ... you know ... it's Christmas party season, and you never know when you're gonna run out of balloons." (Christmas podcast 2006)

Money

"If you invite a girl out to dinner, I don't see why she should expect a pudding- 1 Leicester Sq interview with Russell Brand (15 September 06)

Music

"To me, you know what new music is? It's music you've not heard before" - 1st radio show on 6Music (14 January 07)

Acting

"I can speak in this voice, I can look like this, and that's about it.... I can't learn lines for love nor money. I have to have them pasted up around the set, that's why I'm largely sat down, so I can have it in a drawer or on the computer screen." (11 December 2006 on This Morning.)